The past was awful. It was a time of choleric ignoramuses flopping around in their own shit and killing each other for entertainment. I feel bad for everyone who lived before today.
About a week ago, I bought a used car and discovered that the previous owner left many wondrous things behind, like a small tube of lip balm covered with hair, half a pencil with no eraser, and four CDs in the six disc CD changer. Here is the long-awaited answer to the question: which left behind album is best?
Hey, Father’s Day is on Sunday! Wait, you are saying, suddenly even more sweaty, confused, and anachronistic than usual—aren’t we in April? Aren’t we in April of 2013? No, we are not in April of 2013. We are in June of ... [fumbles with phone for five embarrassing minutes] oh, wow, 2015! that’s bananas! ... and…
The Simpsons has been a lousy, vaguely depressing hood ornament for FOX for far longer, by now, than it ever was a good TV show, but when it was a good TV show, it was among the greatest television comedies ever made. Harry Shearer, the brilliant comedic and voice actor who announced his departure from the show…
1. Roger Sterling
Many people like to rank things. Many people think that the correct way to present a ranked list is to organize the items on it from worst-to-best, and are wrong. Here is a helpful list of reasons why ranking things best-to-worst is better.
Hey, the hockey playoffs start today! And if you’re like some of the other hockey fans I see online, you’re probably sitting around right now being like DURRRR THE NHL PLAYOFFS ARE THE BEST PLAYOFFS LEBRON WOULDN’T LAST A SECOND ON THE ICE BECAUSE HE AIN’T A REAL MAN DURRRR (drops shot of maple syrup into a…
Does your state have a reputation? Is it unique? Does its own flavor, or is it just another drab and indistinguishable land mass? Does it have real character? Well.
Holy cow bells, what a contest! Voting was neck and neck virtually throughout the entire Finals of our Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs, with Nacho Cheese Doritos maintaining only the barest of leads. In the end, the neon orange chips stayed scrappy and took it all, with 107 more votes than tough competitor…
It comes down to this, a battle of the triangular, compressed corn chip: The final matchup in our Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs pits two number 1 seeds, Nacho Cheese Doritos and Tortilla Chips, against one another.
Rap Instagram is a useful tool, because how else would you know 2 Chainz recently procured a drone or Rick Ross went on vacation with Bun B? It is a place to find out new things about your favorite hip-hop stars and to see their personalities flourish. But some of these guys and gals are better at it than others.
You God-damned animals voted Ridged Chips out? In favor of Kettle Chips??? What kind of perversion is this? Fine, you know what? Go scratch, more Ruffles for me.
Big Peanut took a page out of Big Avocado's playbook, attempting to throw my bracket by ginning up Twitter support. Big Peanut did not succeed.
Cheese & Crackers very nearly pulled off a huge upset. The 8-seed, matched up against football snack staple Nacho Cheese Doritos, was almost left off the bracket entirely because your bracketeer thought it perhaps a touch too bougie for this exercise. Which is insane, when you consider that the same bracketeer…
The Super Bowl is a grand time for food. All those New Year's Resolutions about eating right, getting fit, and drinking less go out the window just in time for nimble fingers to set to work crafting the perfect snack stadium or dialing Dominos.
Hark! The herald bloggers rank the Christmas jams. O come, let us rejoice them.
So the Navy has a laser cannon now. It's cool, I guess, except that it does not shoot any beams of light or make a "pew pew" noise or do any of the cool shit that a laser is supposed to do, really. Fictional lasers are much better. This is a ranking of fictional lasers.