Madonna Needs A Nap

Madonna needs a friend who will grab her by the shoulders and ask the hard questions, like, "Are you sure this is such a good idea?" She has needed a friend like this for many, many years, and no, the help does not count. Sure, I know she has a new album out and all that, but she really needs to drink some tea, chill… » 3/20/15 10:18am 3/20/15 10:18am

The USMNT Should Boycott The 2022 World Cup

Today FIFA announced that they are formally moving ahead with plans to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar in November and December of that year, with the final being played a week before Christmas. As you may already know, Qatar's World Cup infrastructure is being built using Moses-era slavery practices. One of the… » 3/19/15 3:40pm 3/19/15 3:40pm

How to Cash Out Your Change

It's around 3 p.m., and I'm starting to run out of gas. My brain just has no juice. I'm a writer, and I work best in the mornings, so I try to be typing by 7:45 a.m., and with any luck I make it till 4 before the gears start to grind and the works gum up. But not today. Today, by like 3:15, the work feels grueling,… » 3/19/15 1:22pm 3/19/15 1:22pm

This Is Probably The Worst Beer In The World

From 1973 until 2011, Carlsberg Lager marketed itself as "Probably the best beer in the world." That bald-assed lie made it the shame of Copenhagen, and it led all discerning citizens of the beer-drinking world to question if any Dane could ever be trusted under any circumstance. Of course, sales were always fine,… » 3/12/15 4:28pm 3/12/15 4:28pm

Moron USA Today Columnist Thinks The Cardinals Poop Vanilla Sprinkles

You know, we usually wait until October here to dump on the Cardinals and have the entire city of St. Louis send us polite death threats. But Bob Nightengale … oh, Bob Nightengale … you forced my hand early, you abominable fucking hack. I guarantee, right now, that there won't be a worse piece of sportswriting this… » 3/05/15 11:25am 3/05/15 11:25am

NHRA Cracks Down On The Dumbest Fake Street Racing Show On Television

Several National Hot Rod Asscoation drag racers who appeared on the worst idea for a show ever, Street Outlaws, have been warned that their competition license may be suspended for going on the show. Problem is, several members are still booked to appear on the show and this sudden change in policy enforcement comes… » 2/28/15 1:33pm 2/28/15 1:33pm

After Making Game-Winner, DeMarcus Cousins Goes Off

The Sacramento Kings have been a prominent subject of the NBA rumor mill lately because of reports that they are considering firing head coach Ty Corbin and hiring George Karl to replace him. DeMarcus Cousins has gotten roped into these stories, with multiple reports that he is against the Karl hiring. For instance,… » 2/09/15 1:05am 2/09/15 1:05am

The NBA Pulled Some Silly Shit With Its Player Of The Month Award

Ordinarily, the NBA's Player of the Month awards aren't worth talking or writing about, even among people who talk and write about NBA stuff. Oh no—Player X didn't win Western Conference Player of the Month for November, even though his PER was a smidge higher than some other dude's! Winning one probably is a nice… » 2/05/15 11:28am 2/05/15 11:28am

Hey, Get A Load Of This Evil Doctor

The Washington Post has a profile today of Dr. Jack Wolfson, an Arizona cardiologist and holistic medicine, uh, doer or whatever, who's made something of a name for himself by providing a flimsy, fraudulent rime of expertish cover to the reprehensible, morally criminal anti-vaccination crowd in the U.S. It's really… » 1/30/15 3:58pm 1/30/15 3:58pm

Your Fake, Zany Craigslist Ad Is Stupid And Annoying

In 2015, the only people out there who have any real use for Craigslist are hookers and serial murderers. Personally speaking, I haven't used the site since 2009, when my wife and I bought an outdoor playhouse from a lady nearby. Turned out the playhouse had a colony of yellowjackets inside of it. Craigslist is… » 1/30/15 3:43pm 1/30/15 3:43pm

The Ballghazi Takes Are Here, And They Are Fucking Insane

You knew they were coming, America. The second the Patriots got busted for doctoring footballs, you knew the TAKENAMI would rush in. And VERILY IT HAS COME TO PASS. Oh, people. Oh, this is my Christmas. These takes are so pure in their stridency, so firm in their conviction that ROGER GOODELL MUST ACT… I feel… » 1/21/15 11:22am 1/21/15 11:22am

Funkmaster Flex Ethers Jay Z In Epic, Endless, Bomb-Laden Rant

DJ Funkmaster Flex—one of NYC's premier hip-hop DJs, putting in work at radio-station oracle HOT 97 for more than 20 years now—was in inspired, incessantly bomb-dropping form last night, unloading a rambling, 10-minutes-plus diatribe against everyone and everything surrounding Jay Z. » 1/16/15 6:13pm 1/16/15 6:13pm