The Argentines needed six points in their last two qualifying games to grab a World Cup spot for 2010 and after Wednesday's 1-0 victory over Uruguay sealed the deal, Diego Maradona decided that would be excellent opportunity to tell everyone who criticized his coaching ability to get bent. His postgame press conference began with "You lot take it up the arse" and only got better from there.

"I also want to dedicate this to the whole of Argentina, to my family too, but there is one group who do not deserve this because they have treated me like rubbish.

"I don't usually read the newspapers or listen to sports programmes but my daughters do and they told me what had been said about me. So, I repeat, to all those that said anything against me, keep eating your words.

"But certain people who have not supported me, and you know who you are ... they can suck it and carry on sucking it.

"This is for all Argentines, minus the journalists.

The only downside to this rant is that he did not cross his hand and gesture toward his crotch in the customary "suck it" manner, but other than that it was a thing of beauty. It really comes to life in the original Spanish, but I think the translation suits just fine.

Can any actual Spanish speakers confirm that's what he's really saying?

Diego Maradona to face disciplinary action from Fifa for obscene tirade [Guardian]
Diego Maradona Tells Press To 'Suck It' After Argentina Triumph Over Uruguay [Yahoo! Sports]
Classless Maradona unloads on media after Argentina qualify [Examiner]

Just to explain what we're dealing with here, the 77-year-old boxing promoter held a press conference at Yankee Stadium today to announce a fight that's taking place in Las Vegas. So that gives you some insight into his living in the past mentality. Arum wants to bring fights back to the Bronx—but not if they involve Floyd Mayweather, who Arum thinks is not entertaining because he fights "scared." So that's a good start.

Then his one-on-one interview with Fanhouse's Ariel Helwani got really uncomfortable, when Helwani asked Arum about UFC and if its head-to-head matchup with the Mayweather-Marquez fight would hurt either pay-per-view haul.

For me, I look at the UFC audience and the boxing audience as being two different audiences entirely. Our audience in boxing is ethnic. Hispanic, Filipino, Puerto Rican, Mexican, and the hardcore boxing fan who can't watch ... like me ... can't watch UFC. UFC are a bunch of skinhead white guys watching people in the ring who also look like skinhead white guys.

Naturally, Helwani (a white guy!) took offense and tried to point out his feelings on the matter—but Arum helpfully set him straight.

And you don't have any tattoos. Ninety percent of the people in the audience wear tattoos. I don't care. That's up to them. But those aren't people that would have any interest, at any time, in boxing.

For me, and people like me, it is not something they ever care to see. They've watched it. It's horrible. Guys rolling around like homosexuals on the ground. It is not a sport that shows great, great talent.

And he says that like it's a bad thing! Arum went on to further explain how MMA is "garbarge and junk" and if you have any interest in it at all, you're probably garbage too. Oh, and UFC lies about their revenue figures. (But they're great businessmen! Some of his best friends are MMA promoters!) But Bob Arum's generation—and the Mexicans!—aren't buying it.

You should really watch the whole thing, because when it comes to angry old man rants, they just don't make them like this anymore.

Bob Arum Blasts Floyd Mayweather, MMA [Fanhouse]

Okay, maybe they aren't all SEC fans, but this kind of passion does seems to run a little deeper below the Mason-Dixon, doesn't it? This is "Ricky." He is angry. Fortunately, he has a steel chair handy so he can smash things when necessary. When he threatens to drive to Atlanta and shoot a referee in the head over a personal foul penalty—after he fucks the ref's mother, of course—I sort of believe he might do it. Oh, and there's the n-word! Racism, misogyny, and broken furniture? I think that covers everything.

I hate to imagine what would have happened if the Crimson Tide had actually lost this game. Maybe Ricky should not be allowed to watch football anymore. Even though he always dresses nattily for the occasion, I think he has some deeper issues to work out first.

Ricky's Rant [YouTube]
Ricky Is Excited About Alabama Football [EDSBS]

Pitino lashed out at the media for interrupting Ted Kennedy Day to report "lies" about him. Everything is a lie except for the stuff that Rick Pitino said, so why don't you print that in your pinko commie rags?

Don't forget that he's the victim here! Yes, the news reporters have pointed out that Pitino has been charged with nothing, while Karen Sypher will go on trial for extortion. (Hopefully! He needs this trial and her craziness is really inconvenient for him.) But that's not what's important here. The economy is. So is Ted Kennedy. And basketball. And recruiting, which is going just fine by the way. Because Rick Pitino is not a liar like the media is. He apologized to his family six years ago! He's a New Yorker! What more do you want?

He was so mad he even forgot to work in a 9/11 reference. His lawyers told him to keep quiet—probably because they know that angry, hyper-defensive rants generally don't win you sympathy points—but Rick Pitino doesn't care what lawyers think. He cares about Ted Kennedy. When you're in a scandal, you won't find a finer role model to turn to.

Full Press Conference [The Courier-Journal]
Pitino lashes out at media for reporting ‘lies' [The Courier-Journal]
Fox 41 obtains copy of Sypher police interview [Fox41]
Metro Police Release Sypher Tapes [WLKY Louisville]

Okay, once a quarter is pushing it. But it is grossly underused. Why is it that most pro offenses average 1-2 end-arounds a game, but maybe 0.3 flea-flickers? Sure there's risk involved, but how much more risky than a toss-sweep, or a reverse, or any of this Wildcat crap. You're telling me that asking Rex Grossman or JP Losman to throw over the middle is less risky than a flea-flicker?

Is everyone so traumatized by Joe Theismann that the play is still kind of taboo 25 years after the fact? (NB: I'm sure that if Lawrence Taylor knew that his hit was going to propel Theismann into the broadcast booth-where he would exact a slow and painful revenge upon all of us—he never would have crossed the line of scrimmage.)

Obviously the success rate would decrease the more frequently the flea is flicked or the flick is flea-d or whatever. But if "failure" is reconceptualized as an incomplete pass rather than a fumbled lateral or a compound fracture, the flea flicker can be reshuffled from "trick play" column to the "play action" column; where coaches can use it 4-5 times a game instead of 4-5 times a season. And why not?

It works, goddammit! It really works!

Now I would never get all Grumpy McOldschool and tell people how they can and can't enjoy their sports ... but these people need to stop. We all know the tale of the Happy Youngster and his hardball negotiating tactics, but he is not alone. There's Zack Hample (who you've also met before), who charges other people $500 to attend games with him and learn his ballhawking secrets. (He has 4,000+ baseballs from 46 different stadiums.) There's Tom Snyder who asked for a jersey and two signed bats in exchange for Carlos Gonzalez's first career home run and when that offer was refused, asked for the totally reasonable sum of $10,000. I don't think that's how negotiation works.

Ballhawking is now its own sport and people are flying around the country, competing with each other to nab more (and more lucrative) home run balls. It's not about catching a souvenir—it's about catching that valuable milestone that you can ransom back to a big leaguer for swag. Teams are now leery of these folks, knowing that whenever one of their players does something meaningful they have to enter into complex negotiations with some punk in the bleachers. The man who caught Ken Griffey's 600th home run sold it at auction for $42,000, but not before asking for "a few things that were out of hand," according to Griffey.

All you need to know about Hample is that he brings a hat and shirt for both the home and away teams to every game, so that he can change clothes to match whichever team happens to be taking practice. Pretending to be a fan so you can get someone to throw you a batting practice ball isn't a hobby, it's a sickness. Plus, there's a lesson to be learned in the fan who gave Adam Dunn his 300th home run ball back for free. Dunn gave him more goodies—a signed jersey, three signed balls and tickets—than anyone.

Fans Play Hardball After Snagging Even Obscure Milestone Home Runs [Wall Street Journal]

Boggs was at a sports bar autograph session meet-and-greet in the suburbs of Boston last night, when someone asked if he thought our latest generation of steroid freaks belonged in the Hall of Fame with him. Yeah, he doesn't think so.

"You're cheating the game, you're cheating yourself, you're cheating your family, you're cheating your friends, you're cheating your fans, and you're cheating Americana and apple pie, baby. Because if you can't do it at 60 feet, 6 inches, you shouldn't be playing the game."

When Wade Boggs turn into a professional wrestling manager? You're also cheating those poor helpless owners, like you're Zorro and they're ruthless Mexican land barons. Or something. Anyway, I'm not sure how much the bucket of tasty Miller longnecks that's sitting in front of Wade played into his demeanor that night, but here's another video from later in the evening that may give you some indication.

Nothing like a little karaoke of "Friends In Low Places" to round out a successful evening in Seekonk, Mass. By they way, he'll be doing another Miller promotion at the Lowell Spinners game on Saturday so bring your FlipCams.

Beer me, Wade [The Names Blog]
Wade Boggs Is Everywhere! [Barstool Sports]
[Video via SportsCenter. Don't bother going to DirtyWaterTV.com. They don't have it.]

Jimmy Raviele just spent four years living in the pressure cooker of University of Houston baseball and its mad overseer, head coach Rayner Noble (pictured). Jimmy's dad, Vinny, is none too pleased about the treatment his son received over his tenure on the Cougars pitching staff. According to the large fonts in multiple colors, Jimmy was passed over in favor Noble's preferred golden boys, even though said golden boys were not as good as Jimmy. Jimmy only got to pitch out of the bullpen and Jimmy was never allowed on the hill for longer than an inning, because every time Jimmy walked a hitter or gave up a run, Jimmy got pulled, even as other pitchers who were not as good as Jimmy got to give up way more runs than Jimmy, but still somehow got more starts than Jimmy even though they really should have been more like Jimmy. JIMMY!

If you attempt to read the whole thing, be prepared to learn more about Houston baseball than anyone has any right to know. Even the guys at Fourth and Fifty couldn't get through it and they run a blog about Houston athletics. However, I did pull out a few parts that seemed exceptionally shouty. (They were easily to identify by their blue fonts and XXL text size.)

This story is about a University of Houston baseball player whose college baseball career (2006 - 2009) was destroyed by the head baseball coach (Rayner Noble) at the University of Houston. ...

Any player or parent who reads this and even has the slightest inclination about playing baseball for Rayner Noble at University of Houston or wherever he is coaching, should really rethink their options. Please don't make the same mistake that we did. Sadly, we were told this same thing, but we did not listen. ...

Jimmy was just simply not one of Noble's Showcase Players or "Special Favorite Players." PLEASE TAKE NOTE* That being one of Noble's favorites (SFP's) has nothing to do with a players skill level. If someone is fortunate enough to be one of Noble's SFP's you are all set. They will get numerous chances to fail and still feel secure because they know they will be right back in the line up and play again the very next game or right back in the pitching rotation. ...

I honestly love every pitcher on the team and no offense to any of them, but every single one of them including my son Jimmy has been shelled at one time or another this past year. Just like all pitchers, they have had times when they pitched lights out and they had times when they got shelled. All of them!! The pitchers that ended up doing better this past 2009 season were the ones that Noble pitched more. Look at the stats. Most of these guys started off awful but were continually used and naturally they got better! ...

Why is there a different set of rules for Jimmy? ...

Still to this day, I understand that Jimmy was one of the fastest players on the Cougars. I know in his freshman year at U of H, Jimmy broke a college record by 22 seconds for the mile and a half. ...

Jimmy was doomed from day one!...

Once again they said "when Jimmy was not pitching, he will be at 1st base." BIG LIE!! (Jimmy never even stepped on first base - let alone play it) The only time Jimmy ever stepped on first base was when they used him two times (his senior year only) to pinch run! ...

TRYING TO SET JIMMY UP FOR FAILURE

After reviewing all of Jimmy's appearances above, one would think that without a doubt Noble was trying to set Jimmy up for failure. It could not be a coincidence that out of 12 appearances Jimmy just happened to face the TOP or the MEAT of the order 7 times! Jimmy only pitched part of or only 1 inning at a time! It wasn't like Jimmy was pitching numerous innings. It seems really strange that this just happened to be this way! NOBLE DID THIS ON PURPOSE SO JIMMY WOULD FAIL . . . JUST LIKE NOBLE DID TO JIMMY AT LAST YEARS FINAL GAME IN COLLEGE STATION, but Jimmy DID NOT! This year (2009) Jimmy was allowed to pitch in only 3 Conference games . . . What is the reason for this? Jimmy's ERA in Conference is 0.00 ! WHY DIDN'T NOBLE PITCH JIMMY MORE? ...

Note* Jimmy asked Noble if he could get #8 for his Junior year and Noble told Jimmy "OK." ... Much to Jimmy's surprise on the first day of school, Jimmy noticed that #8 had been assigned to another new player. Jimmy went to Coach Noble and asked why he wasn't able to get #8? Noble said that Jimmy could have it but it would cost $100.00 (which Jimmy paid him in cash)! How could Noble do this to Jimmy and live with himself?

DOES NOBLE NEED MONEY THIS BAD? - - - HE IS A SNAKE! ...

NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO PUT THEIR FUTURE IN THE HANDS OF THIS MADMAN. IF NOBLE DECIDES NOT TO PITCH OR PLAY YOU, WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? NOTHING AND NOBLE KNOWS THIS. THE SCOUTS TOLD JIMMY THAT THEY CANNOT DRAFT SOMEONE IF THEY NEVER SEE THEM PLAY MORE THAN A FEW INNINGS ALL YEAR.

RECRUITS: TAKE IT FROM US, YOU DO NOT WANT NOBLE CONTROLLING YOUR FUTURE.

I am not just ranting, these are facts, records and stats. Please check them out yourself.

Note* Remember it is not SLANDER if it's TRUE!

NO ONE ON THIS EARTH IS GOING TO DO WHAT NOBLE DID TO MY SON AND GET AWAY WITH IT!

Sincerely,

Vinny Raviele

Emphasis not added. (I just wish I could do the font changes justice.) Anyway, I have no idea whether JIMMY! was set up to fail or what kind of coach Rayner Noble is, but actually watching someone's angry brain melt via internet rant never gets old. Also, extorting money from players for jersey numbers is an awesome kind of evil.

WHY RAYNER NOBLE NEEDS TO BE FIRED! [Houston Cougar Baseball]
Rayner Noble is the Devil or Baseball Parents Gone Wild! [Fourth and Fifty]

James' Cavaliers lost Saturday to the Magic, and 24 hours later, the game was yesterday's news, disappearing from headlines quicker than James stormed out of Amway Arena. James avoided the customary post-series handshakes and declined to answer dais questions about his future, which made him easy prey for any columnist. Journalists were going to write about James anyway. He's the story. Given James' magic on the basketball court — the fact that, for two rounds, he conned people into thinking a one-man team could make the playoffs look like exhibitions against Akron U. — the press was going to be positive, no matter the outcome of the series. There was nothing to criticize.

But James' refusal to shake hands with the Magic proved that he is not, in fact, above criticism. Columnists have pounced on the blatant lack of sportsmanship, contrasting James' post-game demeanor with that of the superstars before him. The irony here, though, is that it wasn't leaving the floor that has doomed James. What's drawn the preachy lectures and fleeting controversy was his defense of it the next day:

"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them. I mean, I'm a winner. That's not being a poor sport or anything like that. Somebody beat you up, you're not going to congratulate them on beating you up. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It don't make sense to me to go up and shake somebody's hand."

Yes, after the game, James should have done what columnists have retrospectively advised. But none of that would have mattered if he had woken up Sunday morning and texted one reporter that he regretted his actions, that he was wrong to act like a prissy Little Leaguer. Doesn't matter if he meant it, nor does it matter if he felt no remorse. Athletes say a lot of things they don't mean.

The moral of the story isn't to be gracious in losing, even though that's fine and dandy. It's that James should learn to stop the PR blaze before it gets really hot — that's when he was burned.

LeBron didn't shake hands; so what? [Newsday]
Hey LeBron, it's time to grow up [Fox Sports]
LeBron needs to take a lesson from another Cleveland icon [NBA.com]
LeBron should know respect is not a one-way street [Associated Press]

"Chef" over at SportsJournalists.com knows Todd Tichenor. Todd Tichenor is a friend of Chef's. (Maybe.) You, sir, are no Todd Tichenor. Simply titled "A Note," the message is reprinted here in its entirety because its important, dammit. (Is that "America The Beautiful" I hear playing softy in the background?)

This may get me banned, suspended.......whatever.

Doesn't matter much to me.

The people who are bashing the umpire today, have obviously never umpired in any sport in their life.

If you knew anything about Tichenor, you would know that he is married and has 2 young boys, which he sees only for a day at a time very very rarely.

If you knew anything about Tichenor, you would know that he was analyzed (without him knowing) during his first MLB game behind the plate. Out of every pitch thrown, he missed 2 ball/strike pitches. 2 out of over 280.

If you knew anything about Tichenor, you would know that he went to umpiring academy in Florida right out of JUCO, and that when he comes back home during the winter, he substitute teaches at a local grade school.

If you knew anything about Tichenor, you would know that his dad died of cancer at a very early age, and that there is a Fred Tichenor Memorial Softball Tournament that is played every year out here.

If you knew anything about Tichenor, you would know that when he was on the bench playing JUCO baseball, when an ump didn't show up, he would be the first in line to strap on the gear and go.

But......none of you know anything about him.

But I tell you what......if you want it, i'll gladly im you his cell phone number, his personal address where his wife and two young boys are, and you by God give him the riot act, tell him what a horrible umpire he is, how much he sucks, anything that a lot of you gutless, spineless bastards don't have the nerve to tell him, instead ripping him a new one on an anonymous message board.

Yes, he should definitely be banned for that ... the way Rosa Parks was banned from riding buses. That'll do, Chef. That'll do.

A note [Sports Journalists]
Earlier: Todd Tichenor Got His Money's Worth Last Night

All I really meant to imply with my original comment was that central (I guess?) Alabama is not a particularly hot tourist destination. I should have been more clear. The place is a blight on America. It serves no purpose other than to make people in Wyoming feel good about themselves.

One young fella named Tony wrote me this message:

You could go far in this town with a name like Dashiell.

Is that a threat? Because the last thing I want is to go far in Birmingham. Or short, for that matter!

Most people just assumed, because of my statement, that I have never been to Birmingham. They are, of course, correct. Why would I do that? To see the Vulcan statue? Oooh, neato. Someone needs to tell these people that Star Trek was just a TV show.

Someone else—who I assume works for the Tourism Board, if they even have one—sent me this lecture about the charms of the "Magic City." I re-post it here in full, because you wouldn't believe me otherwise.

As a native of Birmingham, I am led to comment about your recent post that was referenced by the Birmingham News article in today's edition titled "Papa John's Bowl fans express surprise at Birmingham's amenities."

It is sad that you probably had little information given to you about the city or the bowl. Have you spent any time in Birmingham to assess what the city has to offer? The most significant civil rights museum in the country is located in Birmingham, the Civil Rights Institute. More information can be located at: www.bcri.org. Both teams visited the Institute and found it very meaningful. Birmingham has consistently ranked as a top city for fine dining. Highlands Bar & Grill in Birmingham's Southside neighborhood was ranked by Gourmet Magazine as the #5 restaurant in America, October, 2001. Birmingham is full of culture and the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival was named one of "ten fantastic film festival vacations" along with New Orleans, Austin and San Diego, in Film Festival Today, Spring, 2003.

Maybe you are only interested in top-40 music and retail pop culture. If that is the case, then Birmingham may not be for you.

Lastly, it is not a bowl sponsored by a web site. Rather it is a bowl sponsored by an international company, Papa John's International, Inc. The title of the bowl game reflects the company's marketing strategy of driving customers to its web site to place an order. Surprisingly, you did not figure this out. As a disclaimer, I do not have any stock or have any connections to Papa John's, other than enjoying its pizza occasionally. As a note, the bowl game generated its largest crowd in its 3-year history, so I guess all of those football fans do not see Birmingham and the bowl game in the same uninformed light you do. After all, would so many Rutgers fan travel so far if the city and the bowl combined to make such a dismal offering, as you claim? Also, the great majority of the bowl games are not on a holiday, including the BCS championship. Your comments are silly, and reflect that you wrote the piece in about 5 minutes.

I realize you do not write for the Times or the Washington Post, but next time, do a little research. Go to Birmingham and check out Five-Points South, eat at Highlands or Bottega, and listen to some good independent music at Workplay. You will see the city in an informed light, and maybe appreciate it a bit more.

I think the only true statement in there is that I did write the post in about five minutes. I didn't do my research because I don't have to. On a windy day, I can smell Birmingham from my apartment. However, I do take issue with the claim that I know nothing about Papa John's pizza. I have eaten so much of that stuff my blood is 30% garlic butter. Nobody loves Papa John's more than me. I love it almost as much as I hate Birmingham.

Oh, and I got news for you. Those Rutgers fans were just looking for an excuse to get out of New Jersey. So don't flatter yourself.

Papa John's Bowl fans express surprise at Birmingham's amenities [Birmingham News]