The Ballghazi Takes Are Here, And They Are Fucking Insane

You knew they were coming, America. The second the Patriots got busted for doctoring footballs, you knew the TAKENAMI would rush in. And VERILY IT HAS COME TO PASS. Oh, people. Oh, this is my Christmas. These takes are so pure in their stridency, so firm in their conviction that ROGER GOODELL MUST ACT… I feel… » 1/21/15 11:22am 1/21/15 11:22am

The Internet Has A “Problem” Problem

Hey, you saw "Too Many Cooks," right? That batshit-insane, 11-minute Adult Swim video that lampoons the opening credits of old network sitcoms (or current Disney Channel sitcoms, if you've ever been forced to watch one)? It was funny, right? LOL THE '80S WERE SO DUMB. I know I enjoyed it. » 11/10/14 10:42am 11/10/14 10:42am

Jimbo Fisher Is A Whimpering Penis

Florida State is ranked second overall in the College Football Playoff committee's current rankings, which are determined by a complex mix of computer algorithms and schedule analysis and praying to a magic goldfish for spiritual guidance. And if you're like me, you're hoping that Florida State loses somewhere down… » 10/29/14 2:01pm 10/29/14 2:01pm

Fuck You, Bill Belichick

I was close, Bill Belichick. I was thissss close to spending an entire NFL season free of Tebowmania, or Tebow Time, or whatever fucking brand stamp ESPN decides to put on all its coverage of the Jesusback. I was really looking forward to it, too. I was gonna watch every game safe in the knowledge that Tim Tebow… » 6/11/13 10:03am 6/11/13 10:03am

Michael Wilbon Is A Gutless, Starfucking Crybaby Troll

For the past three decades, Mike Wilbon has earned a living barely disguising his contempt for you, the filthy peasant sports fan. Whether boasting to the world how unsurprised he was about Sean Taylor being murdered, or chastising you for looking to him for gossip from his White House partygoing, or pissing and… » 10/05/12 10:55am 10/05/12 10:55am

The Scab Refs Still Suck, And Roger Goodell Is Still A Hypocritical…

On Aug. 31, just a week or so prior to the kickoff of the new season, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent out a "note" to the public that was essentially a press release, a reminder to you, the NFL viewing public, that the league was going balls-out on player safety: » 9/17/12 10:40am 9/17/12 10:40am

Summer Is The Goddamn Worst

May has started, which means that we're quickly running out of May and I don't want May to end because that means summer is here and OH FUCK GOD PLEASE NOT AGAIN. » 5/10/12 3:15pm 5/10/12 3:15pm

Someone Should Just Blow Up The Orlando Magic At This Point

In the ongoing Dwight Howard-Stan Van Gundy bitchfest, there is only one true solution: just get rid of everyone. Trade Howard. Fire Van Gundy and general manager Otis Smith. Then sell the team. Until then Orlando will have a superstar who does not want to be there being coached by a coach who does not want to be… » 4/08/12 3:00pm 4/08/12 3:00pm

Christmas Hype Will Drive Your Children To Insanity

Christmas is four days away. I know this because my kids have been counting down the days since, I dunno, LAST goddamn Christmas. Children have boring lives. They have to go to school all day. They have to listen to adults tell them what to do. They can't watch porn. It blows. Christmas is one of the few bright spots… » 12/21/11 10:00am 12/21/11 10:00am

People Are Getting Dumber By The Day About The Harbaugh-Schwartz Fight

It must be a slowass week in the NFL, because people are still being idiots about the dustup between Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh. Hey Mark Schlereth, can I count on you for saying something delightfully cliched and stupid? » 10/21/11 1:48pm 10/21/11 1:48pm

Screw You, And Screw Your Man Card

I don't know who invented the phrase "Turn in your man card," but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band. Every Sunday, I'm now subjected to some goddamn Miller Lite ad where the guys in it are like, "ZOMG! You're drinking a generic light beer? YOU'RE… » 9/27/11 4:18pm 9/27/11 4:18pm

Gregggggg Easterbrook Is 5,000 Years Old

The coming return of the NFL means it's time for yet another season of ESPN columnist and Christian Mr. Spock Greggggg Easterbrook writing 50,000 words about how smart he is and how stupid and ungrateful the rest of the world is. And, as a bonus this season, Easterbrook is now really old and out of it! » 8/16/11 4:25pm 8/16/11 4:25pm

LeBron James Is STILL A Cocksucker

If you missed last night's schaudenfreudegasm with LeBron and the Heat getting lane-raped by J.J. Barea for 48 minutes, oh how you missed out. There hasn't been a more gratifying moment for sports haters since the Saints beat Favre and Manning back-to-back in the NFC title game and Super Bowl. It was glorious,… » 6/13/11 1:40pm 6/13/11 1:40pm

I’ll Wear Shorts If I Goddamn Want To

Memorial Day weekend is coming to mark the start of summer, and once again I find myself confronted with assholes all over the place telling me I can't wear shorts. First there's designer Tom Ford: » 5/26/11 10:20am 5/26/11 10:20am

Gregg Easterbrook Puts The Final, Retarded Exclamation Point On Obama's…

You only need to see the headline and the byline to know what you're in for with yesterday's breathtakingly pointless Easterbrook essay about President Obama filling out a March Madness bracket. Yes, some people are still actually debating this. BLACKIEHUSSEINBRACKETGATE! Let's dive in, shall we? » 3/30/11 11:30am 3/30/11 11:30am

They Ruined The Goddamn Bracket

I was ready for the 68-team field to fuck with the process of filling out a bracket for your NCAA office pool. But I didn't quite realize the extent of it until yesterday, when they unveiled just how this retarded new format will work. » 3/14/11 12:00pm 3/14/11 12:00pm

The Real Villains Of The NFL Lockout: A Gentle Reminder

The current collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and its players union ends at 11:59 p.m. this evening. And whether or not there's an official lockout, or the union decertifies, or whatever other bargaining tactic is deployed, the business of football effectively ends tonight regardless. » 3/03/11 12:30pm 3/03/11 12:30pm

Verizon Wireless Store Employees Are The Devil’s Afterbirth

Yesterday I had to go to a Verizon Wireless store to get the numbers from my old phone transferred over to a phone I had just purchased. (Not an iPhone. Fuck you for owning one, Mr. I Can Afford A Data Plan.) And after 15 minutes in that fucking store, I can now say, without hyperbole, that Verizon Wireless store… » 2/24/11 3:00pm 2/24/11 3:00pm

Guns N' Peas Is Where The Trajectory Of Man Began Its Steady Decline

So the Black Eyed Peas covered "Sweet Child O Mine" at the Super Bowl last night, with Slash helping out on guitar. First of all, FUCK YOU SLASH. You just spent the last bit of goodwill you earned from NOT being Axl. Secondly, the journey to our eventual self-extinction has begun. » 2/07/11 2:00pm 2/07/11 2:00pm