How To Make Hollandaise Sauce, And Defy The Brunch-Industrial Complex

Hollandaise sauce is the lifeblood of the brunch-industrial complex. You want brunch—which is to say, you want eggs Benedict, the totemic brunchstuff, and maybe like some strawberries or quiche or whatever else goes with brunch? I dunno, I just really want some eggs Benedict, and it’s 11:30 already—but don’t know how… » 4/18/15 10:59am Saturday 10:59am

How To Make An Adequate Rye Old Fashioned

I go on runs with cocktails. I'm like a child who gets a new toy, obsesses over the toy for a full week, and then wants nothing to do with it. I went through a whole summer of drinking greyhounds and throwing up those greyhounds into the bushes. I drank a lot of rum & Diet Cokes when I was trying to drop weight,… » 4/08/15 11:17am 4/08/15 11:17am

How To Smoke Salmon: Mystical Alchemy From The Majestic West

Pity the poor East Coast rat racer. Look at him, pouring out of the subway with his sooty, bedraggled kin, lurching through ill-lit corridors, past dripping pipes and glaring widows just missing him with the splash of their chamberpots. There he is, spending $12 on a substandard turkey sub. Here he goes, hat brim… » 3/27/15 2:16pm 3/27/15 2:16pm

How To Cook Some Tasty (For Once!) Cabbage, For St. Patrick's Day

I love St. Patrick's Day. I know it's terribly unfashionable to admit so, but I love it all: I love the wearing of the green, I love the dogs in costume, I love the KISS ME I'M IRISH buttons. Give me a pair of glittered, bobbly shamrocks affixed to a headband and I'm one bonny Irish lass. The green beer? Hell yes.… » 3/17/15 1:54pm 3/17/15 1:54pm

How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great

This article originally appeared on October 12, 2013. I'm republishing it today because I went on an insane cauliflower kick this week, and also for the lesser reason that I couldn't find good ingredients for what I wanted to cook. If you're looking for something especially St. Patrick's Day-ish, put some chopped… » 3/14/15 1:11pm 3/14/15 1:11pm

How To Make Arrabbiata Sauce, The Angriest, Loveliest Sauce Of All

Picture, in your mind, a mundane interaction between any two regular, essentially happy Italian people. One purchasing a packet of chewing gum from the other, for example. Can you picture it? The screaming, the wild gesticulating, the red faces, the flashing whites of crazed eyes and bared teeth, the elaborate… » 2/28/15 12:31pm 2/28/15 12:31pm

How To Make Soft-Boiled Eggs: A Minute To Learn, Two Minutes To Master

The weird thing about soft-boiled eggs is the widespread misconception that they're so much trickier to make than their hard-boiled brethren. Done right, they're really not much trickier at all. Easier than stuffing 1,200 words of padding into an instructional blog post about making them, that's for damn sure! » 2/21/15 12:03pm 2/21/15 12:03pm

How To Cook Valentine's Day Dinner, Like You Damn Well Should

The first thing to know about cooking for Valentine's Day is that the list of occasion-appropriate food preparations you'll find below was made in consultation with a woman, the only blemish on whose otherwise immaculate record of good taste and judgment is her baffling and indefensible decision to marry an unkempt… » 2/14/15 1:10pm 2/14/15 1:10pm

How To Cook Broccoli, On Purpose, And Enjoy It, Which Is Possible

Broccoli is good. No, it is! Good for you, sure, yes, high in fiber and vitamin C and some things called carotenoids that I'm pretty sure were the bad guys in The Fifth Element? But also they are supposed to have antioxidant properties, which means they make you immune to rust. » 2/07/15 2:34pm 2/07/15 2:34pm

How To Cook A Bunch Of Good Food For The Super Bowl Party

So the Super™ Bowl® is here, and that means some sucker—maybe even you!—will be hosting a Super™ Bowl® party which they will feel weirdly obligated to refer to as a "Big Game" party, because the NFL likes to sue people for liking it. You will have to bring something to this shindig—especially if you are hosting… » 1/31/15 12:40pm 1/31/15 12:40pm

How To Make Sausage And Peppers: A Guide For The Stir Crazy

This column originally ran on February 16, 2013. However, I've been laid up with strep throat for the past few days, so I'm resurrecting it, both because I haven't been able to cook at all this week, and also because this is what I will cook and eat as soon as I am able to swallow things again. » 1/17/15 11:46am 1/17/15 11:46am

How To Roast Butternut Squash, Which Is Phallic And Fantastic

There's the versatility of, say, a boneless, skinless chicken breast—it tastes bland and uninteresting pretty much no matter what you do with it, so it "goes" with everything, like gustatory khaki—and then there's the versatility of the butternut squash, which is so outrageously goddamn good that you could wrap it in… » 1/03/15 1:50pm 1/03/15 1:50pm

How To Make Eggnog, The Festive Holiday Booze-Shake

In the abstract, the notion that some people don't want to drink eggnog makes sense: diabetics, say, or the lactose-intolerant or egg-allergic, or those principled self-denying oddballs who prefer not to replace their entire body mass gradually with dietary fat and cholesterol until they resemble nothing so much as… » 12/20/14 1:51pm 12/20/14 1:51pm

How To Sear Some White Fish, Now That You "Care" About Your "Health"

A recurring rite of adulthood, for the harried and haggard and sad, is feeling ugh so terrible all the time, I'm like a sweaty, gross walrus, it hurts when I do things and my chest makes sounds like a dehumidifier, bluhhhhhh, and making a half-assed resolution to start doin' the right things, dammit, start takin'… » 12/06/14 12:52pm 12/06/14 12:52pm

How To Stir-Fry Beef, The Most Harrowing And Wonderful Thing

The problem with stir-frying is the common perception that it's this simple, quick way of throwing together a good dinner. I don't really know what to make, and I'm running late getting home from work, so I guess I'll just whip up some stir-fry is the thought process that leads, inexorably, to the 5,973,221st… » 11/08/14 1:01pm 11/08/14 1:01pm