How To Make A Baked Egg--Yes, Goddammit, A Baked Egg

You say "baked egg" and people look at you like they're concerned for your wellbeing and go, "...baked egg?" And you go, "Yeah, y'know, like a shirred egg, only more Italian," and they go, "What in the damn hell is a 'shirred egg'?" And then you say, "Oh, goddammit, now I'm gonna have to write about this in my… » 9/13/14 12:32pm Saturday 12:32pm

How To Make Creamy Polenta, Which Puts The "Gruel" Back In "Grueling"

There's no way around it: Making real, from-scratch creamy polenta is a pain in the ass. Right from the jump: You have to find the right kind of cornmeal, and it's annoying; then you have to cook it for a long time, and that is also annoying; and god, what if you fuck it up, after all that, won't that just be the… » 9/06/14 10:24am 9/06/14 10:24am

How To Grill A Skirt Steak, A Mere 11 Minutes Of Worthwhile Labor

Grilling skirt steak is the easiest, fastest way to get steak into multiple people at the same time. This makes it well suited to Labor Day's two traditions: the notion of a holiday from work, and the often contradictory practice of throwing a big exciting cookout on this day when you're supposed to be taking a break… » 8/30/14 9:40am 8/30/14 9:40am

How To Make Hushpuppies, Which Are Man's Second-Best Friend

You may already know one of the many (likely apocryphal) hushpuppy origin stories, in some form or another. A familiar one has an old-timey Deep South cook (possibly a slave, depending on the storyteller's willingness to acknowledge the foundational crime of American history) preparing food for some form of large,… » 8/09/14 10:22am 8/09/14 10:22am

How To Ditch The Pillsbury Dough-Log And Make Your Own Cookies

Ah, the chocolate-chip cookie. Many a confectionery addiction kicked off the moment an impressionable youngster watched a vulgar blue puppet shovel platefuls of these things into his gaping, vacant mouth-hole. This obsession probably also explains why the Sexy Cookie Monster costume exists. (Related: I'm still… » 7/22/14 2:09pm 7/22/14 2:09pm

How To Make Seafood Paella, Whether It's Traditional Or Not

Picture the scene! An early summer evening in Valencia, Spain, in the mid-19th century; an aromatic open fire of orange and pine branches, and pine cones, crackles happily in an orchard clearing. A wide, flat pan, enormous, two feet across, sits suspended over the flames. The men, their olde-thymey pants hitched to… » 7/12/14 1:02pm 7/12/14 1:02pm

How To Make Macaroni Salad, The Very Least You Can Do

"Hey guys, we're having a [variety of outdoor cookout-y shindig] on [date] at [place], and we'd love for you to come! We'll have beer and [variety of greasy meat], and [dude] has agreed to whip up a batch of his famous [really fatty and gross but also kind of delicious side, probably with little pieces of bacon in… » 7/05/14 2:42pm 7/05/14 2:42pm

How To Make Pancakes, A Marvel Of Labor And Science

The pancake—the notion of the pancake as a breakfast food—comes to us from an older time, a slower time, a time before boxed cereal. A time when your breakfast choices included grinding wheat into flour, mixing it with liquid, and cooking it, or else just chewing on some un-ground wheat like an asshole. Nobody… » 6/14/14 12:31pm 6/14/14 12:31pm

How To Cook A Pork Shoulder On The Grill: A Good Day's Work, For Once

A truth of the modern workplace is that you do a lot of tedious bullshit—meetings and reports and conference calls, spreadsheets and data entry and friggin' change-controls, office politicking and ass-kissing and -covering, long hours and long commutes and long/haggard/grey faces and exhaustion—for the production of… » 5/31/14 1:44pm 5/31/14 1:44pm

How To Make Hummus For Yourself, Like A Real Friggin' Human Would

If you live on earth, your local supermarket has a lot of packaged hummus in it. Different brands and varieties, different accompanying flavors and garnishes—roasted red peppers! pine nuts! roasted garlic! spinach and artichoke hearts! XXXtreme Buffalo-Ranch Frito-Blast Flavor Dirt!—and so on. This is because people… » 5/17/14 1:46pm 5/17/14 1:46pm

How To Cook And Eat Whole Shrimp (Yes, Even Their Heads)

Generally speaking, we like shrimp. Your local supermarket testifies to this: Multiple sizes of shrimp of various provenance on display at the seafood counter; shrimp prepared and flash-frozen in wild variety (OK, maybe not wild variety, but anyway Captain Gorton breads them at least a couple of different ways) over… » 5/10/14 1:05pm 5/10/14 1:05pm

How To Hard-Boil Eggs, For Godly Or Ungodly Purposes

Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly) (I mean, we are talking about boiled eggs, and we are gonna have to calibrate our "interesting" scale pretty generously here), hard-boiled eggs, when made properly, receive a much softer boiling than soft-boiled eggs. The "-boiled" is what confuses things: It makes you think… » 4/19/14 1:09pm 4/19/14 1:09pm

How To Grill A Flank Steak, The Steak For Socialists

We are Americans (no, not you, Canadians) (OK, you too, c'mon over here ya big galoots), and we like big hunks of steak*. To be precise, we like our own big hunks of steak: We like to saunter into Bob's House of Steak all bowlegged and gimlet-eyed like John Wayne and order for ourselves some great obscene wad of… » 4/12/14 1:32pm 4/12/14 1:32pm

How To Fry Brussels Sprouts, And Learn To Love Them At Last

You think of Brussels sprouts and you think of misery. When you were a kid, some damn do-gooder grownup nuked a frozen bag of them in the microwave , and scooped a bunch of them onto your plate next to your delicious SpaghettiOs, and laid some bullshit on you about how eating them would make you grow up big and strong… » 3/29/14 1:59pm 3/29/14 1:59pm