Twitter is aflame with rumors of an impending deal between the disgraced quarterback and the semi-disgraced team. He's been seen at the airport! He's at a hospital in Rochester! He's at One Bills Drive! He's in the back seat of your car! RadarOnline, that treasure trove NFL insider news has confirmed it .... EXCLUSIVE. Why won't you listen to me?

Is it because the Bills have said six times today that they are not interested in signing Vick? Or because there is no evidence that Vick is anywhere near any stop on the Erie Canal? Maybe you're just a puppet for The Man, because I get my news from the internet. Specifically, Rich Eisen.

That is crazy! Who would even hint at such a thing!

Oh. Right. (P.S. This is exactly the kind of thing ESPN's much-aligned "social media policy" is intended to avoid. This is why broadcasters can't have nice things.)

Anyway, all the rumors appear to be false—but that doesn't mean they won't someday be true! Give it enough time and anything can become a reality. At the very least Adam Schefter's brain might explode.

Bills say they are not in the Vick sweepstakes [AP]
Rich Eisen (richeisen) [Twitter]
Michael Vick: Bills call press conference, Vick related? [RotoWorld]
Rumors fly of Vick to Buffalo [PFT]
Could it really be? [KSK]

Rich Eisen of the NFL Network is probably having a tougher Friday morning than most. It appears a vicious Twitter gremlin broke into his account last night. A Twitter gremlin with a massive erection. No, I don't believe that Rich Eisen drunkenly left the Twitter universe this update purposely or accidentally while poking around to see what comes up when he searched for "I am so horny." But he's solved the problem and taken control, obviously, so I'm sure nobody will give him a hard time while he's on set today. Oh darn. I just saw what I did there.

Please stay 100 yards away from the interns today, Rich — you do not want a sexual harassment suit.

(Thanks to the dozens of people who left us this tip. Dammit. Again.)

*****

Good morning. It's a Very Special Friday. Speaking of uncontrollable horniness, Yoni Brenner will be sea-captaining this place very soon.

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Lane exploded onto the front page of the Post in May 2007 with a story headlined "Bikin-e-mails rattle TV wife." Lane says in the suit that she and Eisen were talking on the phone about a vacation she had taken with a mutual acquaintance. The suit says Eisen had asked her to e-mail photos but Lane had "felt embarrassed" because some were beach photos and because "they were taken without makeup, her hair was a mess, and she did not view the pictures as flattering."

Eisen reminded Lane of their friendship and "the level of comfort," so she sent them, she says. In a lighthearted response, the suit says, Eisen e-mailed Lane a photo of Baywatch's David Hasselhoff.

Oh, Rich. You cad. Regardless of how innocent the whole thing was, let's remember that Eisen's wife, Suzy Shuster, didn't think it was:

"Boy, do you look amazing in a bikini . . . congrats! Whatever you're doing, (Pilates? yoga?) keep doing it - it's working for you. Anyway, sorry but those seven e-mails you sent to my husband, Rich, well, oops, they came to the e-mail address we both use from time to time, but no worries, I'll forward the beach shots as well as the ones of you dancing with your friends on to his main address. Do you have it?"

She then provides her hubby's private e-mail, "since you surely are trying so hard to get his attention. I mean, what better way to get a guy's attention than with skin! Best - Suzy Shuster Eisen

Suzy Shuster will not be tussled with.Neither will Alycia Lane, apparently.

About the lawsuit allegations, however, Eisen, "respectfully declines comment." Can't say I blame him.

Alycia Lane Sues CBS3 [Inquirer]

Bikini emails rattle TV wife [NY Post]

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

Alycia Lane's been a godsend to Philadelphia newspapers starving for gossip. In the pantheon of 215 celebrity, sadly, athletes and newscasters are almost on equal footing. That's how it is here in sixth-borough land, so when Lane came here a few years ago from Miami — a monster free agent signing of the tits and glitz variety — there was considerable buzz around her. She had a semi-high profile relationship which ended in a quick divorce, and a sweeps week visit to Dr. Phil to hyperventilate about it. So when a tinderbox concerning Ms. Lane, semi-famous sportscaster Rich Eisen, her sending him random bikini pictures, and the semi-famous sportscaster's angry wife intercepting them in the email — and then relaying the whole mess to Page Six — her legend grows stronger. And, of course, there's a Bin Laden-like bounty out for those bikini photos. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if What Would Tyler Durden Do becomes deputized by the National Press Corps to track them down.

But that's enough talk about Ms. Lane. Strangely enough, Rich Eisen is just background noise in this story, behind the phantom vacation photos and his pissed off wife, Suzy "You have a whore living in 2R!" Shuster. Today is Eisen's lucky day, as this column will, in effect, come to his defense for all of those still jaw-dropped by the notion that, yes, Rich Fucking Eisen is married and yet still has an incredibly attractive anchorwoman desperate to show off her Miami-shined body to him. Although he's no longer a member of the WWL, Deadspinners, more so than most other sports media ogglers, are well aware the power and swordsmanship that fraternity yields. And an incident like this only makes Eisen stock uptick a little more as this type of salacious publicity and notoriety annoints him with a gilded cock. Women now have to look at Rich Eisen differently than they did before; he's transformed from khaki-clad white guy jock sniffer to a mysterious, possibly reckless, lothario. I'll bet the day after all of this went down, he walked through the NFL Network offices and encountered a reception much like Eddie Murphy did in Boomerang the day after he banged Robin Givens.

So this week, I'm digging out my Beg, Borrow, and Deall tapes, running the 40-yard dash in a dorky three-pieced suit and placing odds on the next newscaster to send Rich Eisen inappropriate photos.

Let's find the next batch of Janice Rossis, after this jump.

Sharon Reed: 1/4

This Cleveland anchor woman has no qualms about taking off her clothes on television, as she famously did in 2003, while participating in a Spencer Tunick shoot in downtown Cleveland. She claims it was a "story about art", but that kind of dud doesn't fly during sweeps week. But what better way to make an art story 467 percent more compelling than by stripping down while the cameras rolling. Plus, Reed was also a former Philadelphia newswoman who left the station after a publicized catty-tat with another news woman Alicia Taylor (reportedly over then Sixer Aaron McKie) that resulted in an email threat that stated "You ever had a street fight, bitch?" Eisen should probably warn his wife about sending any exchanges between himself and Sharon Reed to Page Six or else she may wind up dead.

Melissa Theuriau: 2/1

In the eyes of many, this French news journalist is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Yet most people over here only know her as the "hot French news chick" — if they know her at all. Emboldened by Lane's newfound national status, Theauriau could see Monsieur Eesen as the perfect shlub to use to catapult her into the hearts of American men everywhere. And, unlike Lane, Theauriau has bikini photos readily available for NSFW consumption.

Renee Chenault-Fattah: 5/1

She's also a local news anchorwoman in Philadelphia — and married to Congressman Chakah Fattah who's currently losing ground on a Mayoral bid. What better way to keep him in the public consciousness than to ship off a few bikini photos to give her husband a talking point that everybody's willing to listen to? What else is there? Guns? Murder? Budget deficits? Bah. Let's talk about your wife's workout routine, Congressman. Think of all the face time and money saved in campaign advertising he could save that way and think how beneficial a thumbs up from Rich Eisen could be at this point in the race.

Katie Couric: 3/1

Those ratings aren't going to spike themselves. And with all of the chatter about Couric's job potentially being on the block, this is the perfect opportunity for her to show off if she's used any of her gazillions to take a few rings off the tree trunk. It's time to press, Katie, and if that whole May-September thing isn't giving the positive image results you hoped for, maybe it's time to polish up the saggies and send along some photos to Eisen. The only problem is that Suzy Shuster most likely idolizes Katie Couric and won't be as quick to go to the press with her pics. So, Katie better be in a thong, sucking on a zucchini and riding a mechanical bull named "Big Rich" in her photos in order to make her jealous enough.

You can do a lot with $25,000. You can provide food for starving Africans before Sally Struthers eats them first. You can buy 1,518 copies of Bill Simmons new book (not counting shipping, which is probably a bitch). You can even join 2,500,000 of those record clubs where you get 11 CDs for a penny.

You can also hire ESPN anchor Stuart Scott to come speak at your corporate function. The site HireSportsSpeakers.com allows you to bring your favorite ESPN personalities to come talk to you and your fellow corporate drones about leadership, teamwork or, you know, just how to read off a Teleprompter. The site serves as a broker between corporations and sports personalities, negotiating their fees and putting together their schedules.

One would think that paying Stuart Scott $25,000 plus "travel is almost always on top of the fees, usually something like first class for two, ground transportation and hotel" to do anything other than promise never to use the terms "pillow," "cool," "boo" or "yah" again would be somewhat excessive. But Scott isn t even the most expensive anchor on his own network. In fact, he s not even close.

Full list of top ESPN anchors/sports personalities and their speakers fees after the jump. Start saving those pennies for Tom Tolbert now!

The appearance fees for major "sports personalities."

$15,000 and below
Mitch Gaylord - $10,000
Greg Gumbel - $15,000
Ron Jaworski - $10,000
Tony Kornheiser - $15,000
Tom Tolbert - $15,000

For a guy who has a sitcom based on his life — albeit a pretty unwatchable one — we think that's a pretty good price. Well, relatively speaking. By the way ... Mitch Gaylord! Still alive, we guess. Good for him.

$20,000-$30,000
James Brown - $30,000
Rich Eisen - $25,000
Roy Firestone - $22,000
Marion Jones - $20,000
Jim Nantz - $25,000
Dan Patrick - $30,000
Rick Reilly - $25,000
Stuart Scott — $25,000

We don't know how much Dan Patrick made for his Hair Care For Men ads, or, for that matter, how much Rick Reilly got for encouraging his readers to become drunken idiots, but it couldn't have been too far from this amount. By the way, Reilly's amount is probably around the starting salary for entry-level print journalists in this country, if you were wondering what that collective "pounding-head-against-desk" sound was.

$40,000-$50,000
Mitch Albom - $40,000
Chris Berman - $50,000
Jim Rome - $40,000

You know, we wonder if Mitch Albom actually has to be there giving the speech to collect his cash, or if he can just say he was there.

$50,000 and above
Bob Costas - $60,500
Al Michaels - $75,000

For an extra 10 grand, Bob Costas will promise not to lecture you about your lack of class and decorum. Don't worry, though; he brings his own stepstool for the podium.

Just For Fun
Leslie Nielsen - $70,000

Enrico! Pallazzo! Enrico! Pallazzo!

HireSportsSpeakers.com [Official Site]