I don't think anyone will ever quite quantify, or even understand, just how much Rick Chandler has meant to this site. Remember, back in the early days of Deadspin, posts were not bylined, and everyone thought one of two things:

1. Posts were automatically generated from the Internet's rotting underbelly, boiled up from a cauldron of dying puppies and bleeding babies.
2. I wrote everything.

Neither one of these theories was true, but No. 1 was a lot closer than No. 2. Rick has been a vital part of Deadspin since long before Deadspin existed, or even had a name. Originally, even though I'd pitched the Deadspin idea to the Gawker Media brass, they wanted someone else to run the site, a bigger name than me; I was going to be this person's assistant. Fortunately for me, this person ultimately turned down the gig, and they let me run the site the way I deemed fit. The first person I went to was Rick.

I'd worked with Rick at Ironminds, my old site from way back in the day, back before even The Black Table, and I'd always looked up to him. He was naturally funny in a way I wasn't: He was funny without having to sweat at it. He also came at the world in a way I appreciated, and in a way I thought the site would need: He liked to poke fun at humans, but he didn't like to mock them. Rick was incapable of being mean; he was always too busy giggling. I wanted that for the site – because I knew, no matter how nice we were, people were going to accuse us of being cruel Internet scum, so I wanted someone who was the literal opposite – but mostly I just wanted to be a part of something Rick was doing. Rick makes me laugh very, very hard. Those are nice people to have around.

Rick has been there since May 2005, four months before Deadspin actually launched, back when we were writing six posts a day each at $8 a pop, knowing that no one was going to see them and thus just trying to amuse each other. Deadspin could have crashed and burned within a month of launching, and it still would have been worth it. It was disorienting to watch Deadspin grow quicker than I could have imagined, morphing and coagulating in front of my eyes every day; I found myself often just strapping in, hanging on and trying not to throw up out the window. Only one guy understood how bizarre this whole experience has been, because only one guy was there from the beginning. Rick. A great Rick post had a certain innocence to it, a playful, dreamy, aggressively silly take on the ludicrousness of everything. I could never pull that off. I was never good at pretending to write like Rick, no matter how hard I tried.

And now Rick is leaving Deadspin, and we'll all miss him. (Though there's no way you've heard the last from Rick, that's for sure.) It is been an honor and a unique pleasure reading his work over the last decade, and I can't wait to read some more. But mostly, I just want to thank him: There is no way on earth this site would exist without him. As he said himself , he'll leave Deadspin the same way he came in: Crawling through the ductwork.

What is this, Slap Boris Day? It is. It's Slap Boris Day. Good luck, Rick. And seriously: Thank you.

******

Ed. Note: Hi. This is A.J. Without getting too maudlin, I just wanted to thank Rick for as many things as possible in a very limited space. I've also had the pleasure of working within the Rick Chandler orbit for close to 40 million internet years. Thank you, Rick, for publishing me on Ironminds, for letting me disgrace Nine Planets and for providing The Black Table with its first true breakout story. And, of course, for supporting Deadspin when it needed you most. For all of this, I'm eternally grateful.

We'll talk about things/changes/etc. at a later date but, for now, we'll just stick to the usual routine. And, no, Moe will not be hired full-time. Sorry about that.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Onward.

And so Barry Lamar Bonds is a Giant no longer. He made his final appearance at AT&T Park on Wednesday, making three unremarkable outs and then departing a bit prematurely in the seventh inning, like Professor Marvel in his hot air balloon. Barry! You were supposed to take us with you! Sigh. All that's left is Eugenio Velez in left field and an ache in our hearts. And Barry now heads off to that place where all creaky, formerly great players go ... the Yankees.

Willie Mays and Willie McCovey were in attendance on Wednesday, and Bonds fans milled about like excited munchkins, holding enormous signs and cheering their hero. Meanwhile, at the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, Calif., it was Unlimited Dessert Night, and Greg Anderson had three helpings of lime jello. It is unknown whether Bonds' former trainer was allowed to watch the game, which the Padres won 11-3. Sometimes they only let you watch one channel in the TV room, from what I understand. I just hope it wasn't the Democratic debate.

Anderson is in the slammer for refusing to answer grand jury questions on Bonds and steroids; a scene that they omitted from the Bonds tribute video that was shown in the stadium following the game. To me, the real fitting tribute would have been a montage of times that Barry failed to run out ground balls, but I realize that there were time constraints. Whew. Was it really 15 years ago that Bonds arrived at Candlestick Park, comparing his talents as an entertainer to those of Michael Jackson, and wearing a size 7 1/3 cap? From a business standpoint, Bonds may have saved baseball in San Francisco. From a moral and practical perspective, he may have destroyed it for years to come. Yes, when it comes to Barry, "You have my statement." Even though I'm a lifelong Giants fan, I've never liked the guy. Put that in your syringe and smoke it.

But now what? I think that for many of us, we've lost our archenemy. Who is Holmes without Moriarty? Luke without Vader? The Meeces without Mr. Jinx? I have all of this cardboard and paint around the house and no one to mock via signage! I feel a little empty inside, and it's not the Colonblow. Goodbye, Barry. I hated you, and loved every minute of it.

Quiet End To An Era [SF Gate]

On seeing this photo, my first reaction was to dive in and rescue the little girl from the terrifying, giant rat. But no, evidently it's a squirrel. This is how the Visalia Oaks (Class-A California League) described their mascot, when they were advertising for someone to wear the suit:

"Chatter, a lovable squirrel is the face of the Oaks in the ballpark and at many community events around Visalia. The Oaks' #1 squirrel, Chatter hangs out with kids, fans and likes baseball. What will your personality add?"

Um, lawsuits?

But thankfully I was not chosen. Whoever is in there is now delighting fans with his loveable antics, which must be a pure joy to watch. Hmm, I wonder ... how many people do you suppose Chatter has murdered? Wait, what's that sound? "Chatter? Chatter ... NO!"

Following the jump: You, too, can win a red Swingline Stapler ... and the thrill of mustache competition!

Fun promotions this week:

• Case Of The Mondays. Monday, July 30. Brevard County Manatees (Class-A Florida State League). In what I believe to be a stroke of pure genius, every Monday at Space Coast Stadium is Case Of The Mondays, in which one lucky fan wins not only a case of delicious Coca-Cola, but also treasured items from the film Office Space. Included will be a miniature red Swingline Stapler, an Initech Coffee Mug, a 'PC Load Letter' sticker for your office's printer, some 'flair' and other stuff. So if you could just go ahead and come on down to the park on Monday, that would be greeaaat.

• Syracuse's Best Moustache. Sunday, July 29. Syracuse Chiefs (Class-AAA International League). Chiefs staff will scour the stands for awesome mustaches, and four finalists will be chosen for a mustache face-off during the eighth inning. Plus, Sal Fasano autographed bats, and $1 moustaches painted onto your child's face! It all culminates with the crowning of the Finest Mustache In All Of Syracuse winner, whom Bush will then try to appoint to the Supreme Court.

• Awful Night V. Tuesday, July 31. Altoona Curve (Class-AA Eastern League). Among the awful events this night are the mascot race which has no finish; a dry slip-'n-slide, and the ever-popular and frustrating helium balloon toss. And be sure to stop by the snack bar for a liverwurst-and-whipped cream sandwich. Plus, sporks will be given away, and there will be a post-game "Laaser Show" which will consist of Altoona Curve staffer Jon Laaser dancing with glow sticks. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Best Of Borat Night. Wednesday, Aug. 1. Fort Myers Miracle (Class-A Florida State League). This seems somewhat late to me (you may as well have a Salute to Anchorman Night), but what the heck, I'll play along. "I like sex! Is nice!"

• Simpsons Night. Thursday, Aug. 2. Lake Elsinore Storm (Class-A California League). Not only is it Simpsons Night, but it's also Thirsty Thursday (Woo Hoo!). One beer per customer (DOH!).

• Bobblebelly Of The Moment. El Guapo Night. Nashua Pride (Independent Can-Am League). A reader reports from the heart of the action: "Here's what the Rich Garces "Bobble Belly" looks like. It was given away to Nashua Pride fans as part of "El Guapo Night." Garces came in to close the game with his team up 7-5 in the ninth, gave up a home run on the first pitch, and allowed two more runs to blow the game, which kind of put a damper on things." [Thanks to Mortimer Zeising]

• Bobblefoot Of The Moment. Tuesday, July 31. West Michigan Whitecaps (Class-A Midwest League). Of all his body parts, the great Ty Cobb was most proud of his feet; which he used to spike his opponents with apparent impunity. Now you can recreate the bloody basepath havoc in your own home, if, that is, you are one of the first 1,000 lucky fans to arrive at Tuesday's game against the Peoria Chiefs, where you will receive your very own Ty Cobb Bobble Foot doll.

We need your Minor League tips! Send any photos, game reports, promotion news or notes on squirrel activity to RickChand@GMail.com. And thanks!

Today is the 38th anniversary of the first manned lunar landing; a fact that is not lost on the Kansas City T-Bones of the Independent Midwest League. The team is celebrating just a day late with Moon Night on Saturday. "Yeah, but plenty of professional baseball teams have honored the moon," you're probably saying. "What makes this so special?" Well for one thing, the T-Bones will be giving away actual acres of moon real estate as prizes during between-inning contests. These moon deeds will be completely legal and documented, according to the team, and winners will even get a picture of their plot! Also, geologist, astronaut, and former U.S. Senator Harrison Schmitt — the 12th man to walk on the moon — will be on hand to throw out the first pitch and have a brief press conference. No shoving, girls, there's plenty of Sen. Schmitt to go around!

Tom Brady Baby Shower Night, a gala Salute to Cheese and more, after the jump.

• Bode Miller Night. Tuesday, July 24. Nashua Pride (Independent Canadian-American League). Yes that's Bode Miller making a leaping grab for the Pride in 2006, and he'll be suiting up again on Tuesday, for whatever reason, in the team's game against the New Haven County Cutters. He'll probably be hung over, and if you have a problem with that then just step off, dude.

Other promotions this week:

• David Eckstein Stepstool Night. Friday, July 20. Lowell Spinners (Class-A, New York-Penn League). According to the National Center for Health Statistics, average height for a male in the U.S. is 5-foot-9.2 inches. At 5-6, the Cardinals' shortstop may be slightly below average, but never fails to measure up in our hearts. If you are one of the first 1,500 fans in attendance, you get to take home a nifty Eckstein World Series MVP Step Stool. "If you're short like me, it's useful," said Eckstein, matter-of-factly.

• Salute To Tom Seaver. Friday, July 20. Fresno Grizzlies (Class-AAA, Pacific Coast League). Seaver beat out Trent Dilfer, Bruce Bowen, David Carr and Ickey Woods in fan voting for the most famous Fresno native athlete. In April, Cher won the celebrity edition of the event. Now there's a pitching battery.

• Tom Brady Baby Shower Night. Monday, July 23. Nashua Pride (Independent Canadian-American League). Come celebrate the Patriot quarterback's new bundle of joy, as the first 1,250 fans will receive a free baby bib. Also, a special mystery gift for selected women in attendance, which is how all of this happened in the first place. From reader Laura Dyer: "I personally am planning on skipping the baby shower and going to the game on Thursday, July 26 when special edition Rich "El Guapo" Garces Bobble-Bellies will be distributed to the first 2,000 fans."

• Salute To Cheese. Monday, July 23. West Virginia Power (Class-A South Atlantic League). Cheese-related games and trivia are the order of the day as the Power honor the tasty comestible.

• Sculpture Of The Week. This fine work of art has recently been installed at Hadlock Field, home of the Portland Sea Dogs (Class-AA Eastern League). It represents all that is good about baseball at the grass roots level; depicting a loving father, scalping the family's tickets despite objections from his son. And mom, apparently a former offensive lineman for the Jets, is reflecting on why her dress is three sizes too small. The wild child she is holding most definatley has several forms of ADD, and has been sedated heavily. And we suspect that the bear is real.

• Headline Of The Week. Ha. I'm still giggling (yes, I'm 12).

• Report From Bowie Baysox Bad Breath Night. In addition to causing physical damages to the young man's sinuses, we're sure that this assignment also took a large portion of his soul.

We want your minor league tips! Send any photos, game reports or descriptions of your breath to RickChand@GMail.com. And thanks!

Monday is the West Michigan Whitecaps' gigantic, festive Salute to Bubbles, and not a moment too soon. The night will feature two giant bubble machines that will produce more than a million bubbles per hour, and there will be special bubble giveaways before and during the game.

But the main attraction will be an appearance by the clown team of Mr. and Mrs. Bubbles, shown here preparing to drop their pants and fire a rocket, as they say. We've discovered that Mr. and Mrs. Bubbles, who have been entertaining Michigan residents for years with their delightful antics, are members of the Fellowship of Christian Magicians, who describe themselves on their Web site as follows:

We teach how to use the visual illustrations and develop talent for Gospel presentation using sleight of hand, optical illusion, ventriloquism, puppets, balloons, clowning, juggling, storytelling, and other visual arts as they develop for this one cause, visually promoting the Word of God.

The part of the Sermon on the Mount they don't tell you about:

JESUS: So how is school treating you, Billy?
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: Not so good. I have to walk 10 blocks to get there.
JESUS: When I was a kid, I didn't think anything of walking several miles to school.
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: Well I don't think too much of it either. (Laughter).

Other promotions, the leaders in the Worst Song in the World voting, and a woman who sees dead people, after the jump.

• Worst Music Of All Time Night. Tuesday, June 26. Long Beach Armada (Independent, Golden Baseball League). Though a winner will not be announced until game time, the race for the worst song of all time is coming down to the wire in Long Beach. Voting has been heavy for We Built This City by Jefferson Starship, Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus, Mmmm Bop by Hanson, Gerrardo by Rico Suave, Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice, Too Legit to Quit by MC Hammer and Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy, any of whom could win this thing. Get your vote in now!

• Petrol-Palooza Gas Giveaway. Monday, June 25. Birmingham Barons (Class-AA Southern League). On this day ticket prices will be identical to the price of a gallon of gas (general admission = regular unleaded), and one lucky fan will get a $250 gas card courtsey of Napa Auto Parts. Fill 'er up with excitement! Offer not good for Tony LaRussa!

• Nothing Night . Monday, June 25. Lake Elsinore Storm (Class-A California League). The team's staff honored this promotion last season by doing absolutely nothing at the ballpark, so I assume that this year's event will be the same. No PA announcer, no mascot, no concessions, nada. Enjoy.

• Garrett Fahrmann Tribute Night. Wednesday, June 27. Fresno Grizzlies (Class-AAA Pacific Coast League). Tired of honoring celebrities such as Bob Barker, Kevin Federline and Cher, the Grizzlies will instead pay tribute their own VP of operations. The game will include a special behind the scenes look at Fahrmann's rapid ascent from humble beginnings as a farm kid from rural Iowa to a position of power with a Class-AAA team. Also, anyone with an Iowa ID will be admitted free.

• Mike Tyson Ear Night. Thursday, June 28. Fort Myers Miracle (Class-A Florida State League). Free facial tattoos? Discount admission for those with partially missing ears? I have no idea. If you go, please write and tell me what happens.

• Salute To The Pickle. Tuesday, June 26. Mahoning Valley Scrappers (Class-A New York-Penn League). On this magical night, the first 1,000 fans to enter Eastwood Field will receive their own pickle. Plus, there will be pickle-related activities before and during the Scrappers' game with the Jamestown Jammers. Could any event be more truly American? The terrorists hate us for our pickles.

• Connection Beyond With A Real Medium. Thursday, June 28. Trenton Thunder (Class-AA Eastern League). Teresa Liza Pell sees dead people ... and for $68 she will let you talk to them. "The Thunder will welcome acclaimed spiritual medium, Marisa Pell, to Waterfront Park for an evening of communicating with spirits from beyond. The Thunder will host this special Connection Beyond Gallery Event in the Yankee Club and Conference Center at Waterfront Park." Gerald Ford? Is that you? [Thanks to Ted Kerwin]

• Player Of The Week. Deik Scram, West Michigan Whitecaps (Class-A Midwest League). Scram was the MVP of Sunday's Midwest League All-Star Game, but I picked him because I like his name. A close second was Robert Moron, GCL Phillies (Class-Rookie, Gulf Coast League).

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. James Whistler Bobblehead. Lowell Spinners (Class-A New York-Penn League). Lowell-born James Whistler, the world-renown painter and etcher, received many accolades during his lifetime. But the artist perhaps best-known for the painting Whistler's Mother now has his biggest tribute of all; a bobblehead doll in his honor. On Thursday, June 21, 1,500 fortunate fans at LeLacheur Park received one of these beauties. If you have one, we'd appreciate a photo that is larger than this.

And speaking of the Spinners, don't forget that Laces Out With Stephen Gostkowski Day is Sunday!

We want your minor league tips! Send info on upcoming events, photos, or messages from the beyond to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

You've had June 15 circled on that calendar in the bathroom for months, and finally the big night is here. So pull up your pants and get on down to Municipal Stadium, as the Hagerstown Suns proudly present their gala Salute to Toilet Paper. The significance of this date in history may have escaped most of us, but the Suns, of the Class-A South Atlantic League, are not ones to let the 150th anniversary of toilet paper go by without a celebration.

Fans will have the opportunity to learn about the illustrious history of toilet paper, and participate in toilet paper related on-field contests and trivia. Following the game, select fans will receive a free roll of toilet paper autographed by Suns pitcher Chris Lugo.

Of course, singer Sheryl Crow will be banned from attending tonight's game for anti-toilet paper comments she made early this year.

As if this wasn't enough, the Suns' weekend homestand against the Lexington Legends also features the third annual National Egg Toss Championships on Sunday, which is also Dog Day, presented by Park Circle Animal Hospital and Smithsburg Veterinary Clinic. And according to the press release, "thirty minutes prior to the first pitch a Suns player will be on hand to read a story to all children ages 1-7." Thirty minutes? I hope it's not a long story.

More minor league promotional goodness, plus a shocking mascot throw-down and yes, boobs, after the jump.

• Bridget Marquardt Manages The California League All-Stars. Tuesday, June 19. Stockton Ports (Class-A California League). Well OK, she's the honorary manager, as the Ports play host to the California League-Carolina League All-Star Game at Banner Island Ballpark. Marquardt, a native of nearby Lodi, Calif., is one of the stars of the TV reality show The Girls Next Door in addition to being a Playboy Playmate and one of Hugh Hefner's three main girlfriends. For those either too young or too old to get excited about that, former All-Pro Oakland Raiders wide receiver Fred Biletnikoff will also be on hand.

• Coke And A Poke. Ongoing. Brevard County Manatees (Class-A Florida State League). Unfortunately not associated with the promotion above, Coke and a Poke provides Manatees fans the chance to buy cases of Coca-Cola at discount prices, and possibly win some batting practice swings against Manatees pitchers. And that's all.

• Dan Marino Appearance. Tonight. Greenville Drive (Class-A South Atlantic League). NFL superstar Dan Marino signs autographs, offers sage advice and tries to get you to buy a timeshare at his Cherokee Valley Golf Community. And once again it's time to hide dad's checkbook before piling into the car.

• Billy Donovan Night. Wednesday, June 20. Fort Myers Miracle (Class-A Florida State League). As detailed yesterday, Miracle fans will have the opportunity to back out of their ticket purchase during the game in similar fashion to the way Donovan u-turned on his $27.5 million deal with the Orlando Magic. Bring your glove, and your attorney!

• Insignificant Events Night. Thursday, June 21. West Virginia Power (Class-A South Atlantic League). Settle back and enjoy stadium announcements and pre-game activities centered on the most trivial subjects in world history. Included, presumably, will be a reading of the Cleveland Cavaliers' starting lineup.

• Mascot Of The Week. Violence mars the Fresh Produce Races. Greenville Drive (Class-A South Atlantic League). As you can see, banana has taken a substantial lead over apple before deciding to stop and do the Peanut Butter Jelly Time dance, with tragic results. Front-running broccoli, of course, wants no part of the sectarian violence. Our favorite part: When an observer remarks "Broccoli's gone, man."

• Blog Of The Week. Robert Lintott, a 21-year old music major at George Washington University, has started a blog dedicated to the Bowie Baysox (Class-AA Eastern League). A worthy subject, as it was the Baysox who gave us Office Space Night, as you'll recall. Check out his blog right here. Live blogging from the press box, with no NCAA interference! You go, America!

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Kevin Costner Bobblehead Giveaway. Saturday, June 16. Inland Empire 66ers (Class-A California League). A treasured item for any collector, your Kevin Costner bobblehead is ready to provide endless fun in the pool (Waterworld) or on land (The Postman). He was in a couple of baseball movies also, I hear.

We want your minor league tips! Send any photos, info on upcoming promotions or empty toilet paper rolls to RickChand@GMail.com.

From time to time someone will try to get me to listen to Christian Rock. "It's just like any other form of music," they'll say. "The only difference is that when they're singing about love, it's for their love of the Lord." Fine, but I've always thought that really good music examines life in a more universal sense; not just the times when things are going well. The best love songs come from heartache. And as far as I'm aware, I've never come home to find that the Lord has thrown all of my belongings onto the front lawn with a note in my catcher's mitt that says "Don't ever call me."

The Indianapolis Indians don't find this argument valid, evidently. That's because the best Christian Rock band you will ever hear with an AFC punter singing lead vocals, Connersvine, is set to entertain Victory Stadium on Saturday. Hunter Smith, the Indianapolis Colts' veteran punter, and guitarist Chris Wilson will rock the masses in a "pre-game Christian concert" before the Indians take on the Charlotte Knights. And be advised: God knows how to party!

As [Connersvine] continue to write new songs and challenge themselves in worship leading, God has poured out his creativity through them. They believe that God, the Greatest Artist, is the inventor of creativity and as believers we have direct access to the Father of creativity through worship.

And ... exciting bonus! Fans in attendance will also be treated to the musical stylings of Colts' tight end Ben Utecht! Plus, Saturday is Mascot Mania, so you really can't go wrong. But if none of this appeals to you, why not stay home and get a jump on growing your back hair, because the Indians' Hairiest Back Contest will be here before you know it.

Other promotions, other lands, after the jump:

• 24 Hours Of Baseball. Saturday, June 2. Brooklyn Cyclones (Class-A New York-Penn League). Beginning at 4:30 p.m., the Cyclones front office staff will play baseball for 24 straight hours, in an effort to raise money and awareness for local Brooklyn food shelters. The staff, according to their web site, "will take on teams consisting of the Borough President's office, T-ballers, circus clowns, Coney Island freaks, The Old Boys of Summer, mimes, surviving members of The Village People, various dogs, cats and other pets, the infirm, the incontinent, and the New York Yankees (some of those may be ours). There is no charge, but fans will be asked to make donations toward the charities.

• Adam West Appearance. Tuesday, June 5. Myrtle Beach Pelicans (Class-A Carolina League). Batman always shows up when you least expect him. Also, apparently, he fails to show up when you most expect him. According to Benjamin Hill over at MiLB.com, West has been booked to appear at Altoona's Blair County Park on three separate occasions, and has canceled each time. Well, of course: Altoona doesn't have a bat-signal.

• Toga Party. Tuesday, June 5. Lake Elsinore Storm (Class-A California League). All fans who sing I Gave My Love A Cherry will be admitted free, although their guitars will be violently smashed by Lake Elsinore staff.

• Mr. Celery T-Shirt Giveaway. Tuesday, June 5. Wilmington Blue Rocks (Class-A Carolina League). My Mr. Celery memorabilia collection is now shy one very desirable item. But considering that the Blue Rocks are only giving out these shirts to kids, it should be very easy to steal one.

• Mascot Of the Week. Buster, Lakewood BlueClaws (Class-A South Atlantic League), Saturday, May 26. It's not every mascot who can say that he was manhandled by the great King Kong Bundy. (Also, the kid seems a little too into the abuse, if you ask me). Funny what happens to pro wrestlers when they get older; these days Bundy is almost a perfect sphere. If he were to fall over he might never stop rolling.

• Bulletin! From the Danville Braves web site: Calvin Funkhouser has left the Danville Braves staff. His last official day was Sunday, May 20. He will be helping run the speed pitch for the Braves at Festival in the Park.

• Confusing Photo Of The Week. Delmarva Shorebirds (Class-A South Atlantic League). Well, the catcher is obviously covering second base because ... and the runner is starting his slide so early, due to ... wait, wha-?

We want your tips! Send any minor league photos, interesting stories or guitar shards to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

It's the type of photo you've seen a million times: Proud owners showing off their weiner dog after a first-place triumph at the weiner races on Community Basket Day at the home field of the Burlington Bees. Um, what's Miss Iowa Preteen got to do with it again? Is that a tub of Turtle Wax? Christ, I'm losing it ...

Lester the dog, shown here, shall now celebrate his victory with a barnstorming tour through several other minor league parks. That's because there's a plethora of canine-related events scheduled for this weekend and next week. First, Lester can attend Bark at the Park on Saturday, when the host Dunedin Blue Jays (Class-A Florida State League) take on the St. Lucie Mets at 7 p.m. Dogs will be admitted for $1 and "will be invited on the field for a pre-game parade." But do dogs really need an invitation for something like that? Next, Lester will fly to beautiful Altoona, Pa., for Bark in the Park/Karoake Night with the Altoona Curve (Class-AA Eastern League) on Tuesday, May 29. Frankly I found it a little hard to believe that my dog could get into a game free of charge, and be allowed to sing into a microphone. But I examined my ticket carefully and it's true. I haven't been this excited for a sporting event since the Puppy Bowl.

After the jump, other upcoming minor league promotions:

• Illini Night With Bruce Weber. Tonight, Peoria Chiefs (Class-A Midwest League). Sorry if you don't see any further posting today: Will's rental car is speeding toward Peoria at this very moment, Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight blaring on the CD and a variety of empty liquor bottles rattling around in the back seat. Hopefully he'll be there in time to obtain one of the autographed jerseys being auctioned at the Second Annual Illini Night with basketball coach Bruce Weber — and assistant coach Wayne McClain — as the Chiefs take on the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers at 6:30. The legendary Zooperstars will also be there, so Will just may get to meet his two greatest heroes: Coach Weber and Clammy Sosa. Godspeed!

• World Record Yo-Yo Attempt . Saturday, May 26, Bowie Baysox (Class-AA Eastern League). It was a proud moment for America when Baysox fans in 2005 broke Japan's record for simultaneous Whoopee-cushion sitting. The Baysox got 4,439 fans to make loud noises of flatulence, to ... wait, but they only handed out 3,800 Whoopee cushions. Oh, gross! Anyway, now they'll go for the Guinness World Record for most people simultaneously yo-yoing, handing out 1,500 yo-yos before their game with the Altoona Curve. And if anyone wants to fart, well, feel free.

• King Kong Bundy Appearance. Lakewood Blue Claws (Class-A South Atlantic League). One of my favorite '80s wrestlers, The Atlantic City Annihilator feuded with both Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. We wonder what he weighs now? It would be kind of a letdown if he's only, like, 195.

• Laces Out With Stephen Gostkowski. Saturday, June 24, Lowell Spinners (Class-A New York Penn League). Make your plans now for this magical event, when the Patriots placekicker will boot autographed footballs into the stands; hopefully knocking off the head of one the team's three annoying mascots. It's all part of New England Patriots Night at LeLacheur Park, which for a couple of shining hours will be the hub of Patriots football on the eastern seaboard. [Thanks to TJ Doyle]

• Minor League Poo Toss: A Look Back. Our pal Dan Steinberg of D.C. Sports Bog checks in with this: "I realize you have already covered the Salute to Indoor Plumbing, but I feel like the poo toss really ought to be memorialized in some way. What I wouldn't give for a photo." I couldn't agree more. And as you relive the glory of this event through Dan's report, don't skip over the part where the very same West Virginia Power is planning a gala Salute to Cheese, on July 23. See you there!

• Cap Of The Week. Lake Elsinore Storm (Class-A Advanced, California League). It has been rumored that Storm players are given their positions by the team sorting hat, seen above. Not true. All the same, if we're a kid and we own this hat, we're turning the logo toward the wall when we go to sleep. "Matt Buschmann? Hufflepuff!"

• Bobblehead of the Moment. The Portland Beavers (Class-AAA Pacific Coast League) wanted to have a bobblehead promotion, and what better way than to find someone whose actual name is Bob L. Head? The problem is, the Beavers found a bunch of them. So now it's up to you to vote for the ultimate winner. Don't delay; the deadline is May 31! [Thanks to Michael Howell]

We want your minor league tips! Send photos, info on upcoming promotions and any fun squeeky toys to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

What's coming up in the world of minor league baseball ... we proudly present you with Rick Chandler's Minor Enterprise!

Dude, I have a Little League game to pitch later this afternoon and I am SO WASTED. Ha. Tossing back a few cold ones next to a costumed freak; welcome to just about every day of Macaulay Culkin's childhood. Intrepid reader Matt Theil of KQCH/KEZO radio in Omaha snapped this photo during an Omaha Royals Thirsty Thursday promotion last season, and upon discovering Minor Enterprise recently, dug through his files and sent it to us. He included this report:

I took this picture last year at Rosenblatt. I didn't notice the kid with the Miller Lite bottle until I got home to upload the picture. I was pretty faced myself at Thirsty Thursday (also the same game where Donovan Osbourne signed my '92 Cardinals Anniversary ball to complete my day), and I was probably just taking a picture of the dumbass mascot, Casey. Enjoy!

When I was a kid, catching a foul ball was all that my friends and I aspired to at a game; it never occurred to us that getting hammered with the team mascot might be fun. (Casey's furry hide comes equipped with a hidden bottle opener, we're told). What the hell; it's not like these kids are going to be driving home, right? OK, if we're guessing, we'd say that the Omaha Royals do not condone serving alcohol to minors. We salute them anyway ... and also for being the only team to have their stadium organist ejected from a game.

Some other upcoming promotions:

• Juan Marichal Appearance. Sunday, May 20, Fresno Grizzlies (Triple-A Pacific Coast League). If you've got a copy of that famous photo of Juan Marichal swinging a bat at Johnny Roseboro's head, now's the time to bring it down to Chukchansi Park to get it autographed by the Dominican Dandy himself! The Hall of Famer and Giants pitching legend will appear courtesy of Bar-S Foods. Mmmm, high leg kick.

• Salute To Indoor Plumbing. Monday, May 21, West Virginia Power (Single-A South Atlantic League). If you can't make it out to this must-see event, don't fret, the Power have other treats in store. On Thursday, May 24, it's the World's Largest Tighty Whitey Race and the World's Fattest Man Contest, which we just pray to God are not won by the same person. Then on May 26 it's Game Show Night featuring a Bob Barker Tribute. But we've got June 21 circled on our calendars, when the Power will present Insignificant Events Night.

• Urban Meyer Appearance. Thursday, May 24, Clearwater Threshers (Single-A Florida State League). Yes, the head coach of the National Champion Florida Gators will join Threshers fans at Bright House Network Field at 6 p.m., and be advised: "This is the only appearance by Coach Meyer in the 5 County area!" Autographs will be available (determined by raffle). Please do not jostle coach Meyer, or ask questions about Miami. He will not sign body parts.

• Bassackwards Night. To Be Determined, Ogden Raptors (Rookie Pioneer League). Things are really getting weird in Utah. From the Raptors' latest press release: "I am often asked what one new thing will we be putting on this season. One new item will be "Bassackwards Night". The players will be wearing shirts with the Raptors name and numbers displayed backwards. All fans will be admitted free but will have to pay to get out. In other words, if you leave in the 1st inning, you will pay $9.00. It will decrease a buck an inning. If we go extra innings, I will give every fan a $1.00 Raptor Buck for each extra inning. Also, the game will start in the 9th inning and work backwards. It should be quite fun!" [Travis Clemens]

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. This week I welcome Mr. Celery into my pantheon of bobbleheads, thanks to the Wilmington Blue Rocks of the Single-A Carolina League. The Blue Rocks held a very successful Mr. Celery Giveaway Night last week, and I received mine in the mail yesterday. Thanks! I am the luckiest boy in the world. The bobbing vegetable mascot statue occupies the top shelf of my collection now, along with the venerable James D. Watson bobblehead. In fact, if any teams are looking for ideas for a promotional giveaway, you really can't go wrong with the likeness of the Nobel Prize-winning molecular biologist who was one of the discoverers of the structure of the DNA molecule. You really can't.

• Mascot Of The Week. Snappy the Turtle, Beloit Snappers (Single-A Midwest League). The Snappers have a promotion in which Snappy wanders around town, and those who spot him are awarded two free Snappers tickets. One catch, though: The person must yell "Snappertastic!" in order to win the prize. But be careful; Snappy doesn't really look all that much like a turtle, so you wouldn't want to make a mistake and yell "Snappertastic!" at some random person at the mall. Oh, that would be unfortunate.

We want your minor league tips! Send photos, info on upcoming promotions and all recyclable bottles to RickChand@gmail.com. And thanks!

Jeremy Hotz is a former staff writer on The Daily Show With John Stewart who has also made several appearances on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, and was in the films Speed II and My Favorite Martian. Mocking him for that is complete bullshit. If you have a nominee for Standing Room Only, email Rick at rick@deadspin.com. And now, after the jump, the "interview."

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Q: Favorite NFL team?

A: I'm a Steelers fan, but we weren't very good this year. I blame Roethlisberger. What an asshole. He gets in a motorcycle accident, and he's not wearing a helmet. What? You wear a helmet in every fucking game. Utter bullshit.

Q: What about baseball?

A: I was a big Montreal Expos fan. Now I like the Washington Nationals. I'm terrified each time they take the field; I have stomach issues anyway. In hockey I like the Toronto Maple Leafs, and they of course didn't make the playoffs. None of my teams win anything. They are an extension of my personality.

Q: Do you work out?

A: Are you fucking kidding? Look at me. I am not an attractive man. These clothes are the only thing holding me together; when I'm nude, my body shoots off in all directions. I'm like a starfish.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Canada and the U.S.?

A: In Canada you can still settle things with your fists. If there's a fight in a bar, no one goes to jail. In America, everyone's arrested because, oh, someone might have a gun. Hockey is our big sport, and if you fight in hockey you get five minutes for it, that's it. So in Canada, everyone is fighting.

Q: Other differences?

A: Your pine cones are much bigger than ours. You have giant fucking pine cones in America. They could kill a person. It's fucking bullshit.

Q: Favorite NFL quarterback besides Ben Roethlisberger?

A: Michael Vick. Because I have a dog that loves to fight. It's a border collie, and they fight low to the ground. Other dogs are terrified of my dog, because he gets low and goes for the balls.

Q: Your girlfriend recently left you. Main point of contention?

A: The Super Bowl. Come on, it's the biggest game of the season; we can go antiquing any time! You want to do what? (changes channel on imaginary remote). When I'm watching sports I can't be bothered. So one day she said goodbye, went straight out the door and never stopped walking. The problem was that we lived in a flat area and I had to watch her leave for about 5 1/2 days.

Our own poll was frustratingly inconclusive on their comedic skills, but ESPN thinks enough of the Sklar brothers to be talking with them toward developing a new project with the network. Their previous show, "Cheap Seats," in which the brothers — Randy and Jason — played fictional tape librarians who mock network sports clips, was canceled last year after a three-year run on ESPN Classic.

"We miss the show, yeah," said Randy Sklar. "ESPN gave us a fantastic opportunity for which we're really grateful. It was the best process to be able to create a show and not have to go through 27 different filters to get it on the air. We just met with the producers there, pitched our idea and they're like, 'OK, let's do it.' Anyone who has worked with the studios in Hollywood, as we have, knows that that's really rare. Hollywood gives you so many ways to fail."

So what now? The Sklars can't go into detail about their new ESPN project except to say that it will probably be on ESPN-1, or "the mother ship," as they call it. Until then they wander the countryside, lost and a bit confused, knowing that there are sports stories ripe for mocking for which they have no outlet.

"Every time we see a spelling bee, it makes us sad," said Jason of the former Cheap Seats staple. "And of course professional wrestling. And we really never got around to Barbaro. The people who write him letters, just strange. I just kind of wish that people had the same compassion for people in wars that they have for a horse. Granted, I love animals, but let's get real."

"I've always wanted to see a Barbaro episode of Grey's Anatomy," Randy said. " 'Fuck you, Barbaro! I'm in operating room one!' 'Dr. Wilson wants that horse out of this hospital!' 'No! There'll be letters! Those Barbaro fans are crazy!' 'We've got to save that hoof, Dr. O'Malley!' My God, it's laminitis! We want operating room one, goddamn it!'

"I think that would be great."

The Sklars are also working on a Cheap Seats DVD which should be in stores in the near future. Barbaro, meanwhile, was beaten by Invasor for 3-year-old Horse of the Year at the Eclipse Awards on Monday. Bastards.

Invasor Beats Barbaro For Horse Of Year [MSNBC]
Sklar Brothers Poll Maddeningly Inconclusive [Deadspin]

Vacations are always fun, until someone is mistaken for a wild pig and receives multiple spearings.

Anyway, my name is Rick Chandler, and I will be in command here at Fort Courage for today. A little about myself: I own several attractive ties. I am half English and half Irish, which causes few problems — except that on every April 18th I set off a small pipe bomb in my own pants. It was my real-life story that was the inspiration for the TV show Nanny and the Professor. My personal motto: "Meus pera est absentis" ("Hey! My wallet's missing!"). Favorite athlete: Whammy Douglas. That's about it. Oh, and it's only a half-day today here on Deadspin, due to President's Day. Yes, my parents finally gave me the keys to the family car, and said: "Have it back by noon."

And now, on with the show.

As you may know, your beloved, floppy-haired Midwesterner Will Leitch is gone today, gallavanting across the not-so-frozen tundra to "another goddamn wedding." And I, A.J. Daulerio, have the unenviable task of writing America's most popular sports blog on Will's first full day away from his baby. He's left me an exhaustive list of post-it notes, suggestions, diaper bags, emergency phone numbers and First Aid manuals to make sure everything goes okay. Regardless, he'll still call every ten minutes to check in. I'll probably have to hold the phone up to the computer monitor at one point during the day just so he can make sure the site is still breathing.

So, I'm a mere vessel today. This will probably be my only original post and most of my work is already done for me by either Will or his more than capable cohort Rick Chandler. My only job is not to drop the baby or leave it unattended in a shopping mall some place when I go out for lunch. But hit me up with all your tips anyway. Please. I have no RSS feeder and have gotten used to taking long afternoon naps. And let's hope for Will's sake that there is no breaking news involving lesbian NFL cheerleaders, another Marcus Vick meltdown or a surprise Clinton Portis press conference. He would, for lack of a better phrase, lose his shit.

And, no, I'm not J.J. Jack. At all.

Bring Us Your Finest Beers and Cheeses [Deadspin]

But fret not: Deadspin is not abandoning you just because we're going to be drinking Schlitz until Monday morning. Our fill-in tomorrow is none other than former Oddjack impresario A.J. Daulerio, who will team with associate editor Rick Chandler, who never takes a day off. They'll take you through all the fun playoff previews; be careful not to blame them for the poor predictions, because those are actually ours. And of course MJD will be here all weekend too.

So everybody play nice. We plan on returning with a tattoo of Don Majkowski on a body part not visible to the general public.