Robert Weintraub, who you'll recognize for his mastery of turn-of-the-century sports writing, knows a little something about the 21st century too. In the latest issue of the Columbia Journalism Review(yes, I'm one of those), Weintraub makes the case that the establishment in sports media has done a better job than anyone of self-preservation, and they've done it by beating the blogs at their own game.

To wit: the bloggers themselves coming under the corporate umbrellas. The True Hoop crew at ESPN, Pro Football Talk at NBC, and everybody under the sun at AOL Fanhouse.

This programming strategy isn't just an attempt to monetize audience participation - it's a canny co-opting of the enemy.

...

Recognizing an unwinnable war when they see one...the mainstream sports media have decided to keep these guerrillas close. Sportscasters seldom deride bloggers as people writing from their mothers' basments anymore—theirs is a more symbiotic relationship now.

Then what of the anti-blog crusaders like Bissinger and Cowherd, whose impression of an "anti-establishment" blogger is someone who would jump at the chance to take a job at say, New York Magazine(his example, not mine)?

They're not as at-odds with each other as they appear. Each side, in their own way, makes the point that when it comes to sports media, the outside that's looking in isn't so far from the mainstream. The blogosphere never wanted to set itself apart from the MSM, except for perhaps covering more tabloid-y subjects than the big boys will touch. It's just a explosion of new outlets, a natural flowering made possible by new technology.

And like any good conglomerate, the big names snapped up the best content. Abbott, Florio, Leitch and others aren't doing anything different content-wise than they were before, but all of a sudden they're mainstream? Blogging is just a word. It encompasses everything from reporting to humor, from analysis to aggregation, from live commentary to finding attractive female athletes. None of these are anything the establishment hasn't done before with, like blogging, varying degrees of success.

If the line between blogs and the MSM appears to be getting blurrier, it's because there never really was a line in the first place.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Tomorrow: business as usual. Also, this happened.

Slate's Robert Weintraub, like many of us, loves the old purple prose of early 1900s sportswriting, the Grantland Rices, the men who painted epic tales of warriors, grizzled combatants and lardywarks too manly to wear gloves. In an occasional series, Weintraub writes about the week's best baseball game in the style of the vaunted sportswriters of yesteryear. This week: He bids farewell. Yes, sadly, this will be Mr. Weintraub's last "Purple Prose" column for Deadspin. But he will write for this site again. For now, please say goodbye to Mr. Weintraub in the comments below and thank him for this column. He wrote this one, just for you.

Your faithful reporter tried. Honestly, he did. But the happenings at the Continental Divide Bandbox bore little resemblance to The Pastime as we know and love it. A toxic combination of altitude and ineptitude made for a ridiculous affair that rivaled Custer’s Charge for simple-minded wrong-headedness.

The Mountain Men wound up with the left-columner, outlasting a muscular school of Sunshine State Swordfish, the scoreboard frozen for posterity, and for those in the grandstand equipped with stereoscopes, reading 18-17. 18-17!! Imagine plating nearly a score of tallies, and shuffling out of the dressing room and into the Bar & Spittoon defeated! This wasn’t base ball, it was table tennis, or one of those games the Mongol hordes played with the skulls of vanquished opponents.

So your reporter departed the ground long before the Independence Day Combustibles exploded in earnest. Aimlessly wandering the Mint City downtown, I stumbled upon a Touring Fair that displayed the latest possibilities for the future utopian society promised by our finest writers of science fiction. Among the various models of rocket-propelled transport vehicles and stick-mounted edibles, I was introduced to something called the Comp-U-Ter. Intrigued, I began tapping the keys, awaiting the satisfying thwock of the typeset and ribbon tool I had left back at Adolph’s Abomination.

Disappointment on that note. Instead, to my horror, was encountered a far different “sound”—that of rabid barracking and insufferable insults aimed at (Egads!) this reporter!! The solid, ancient Anglo-Saxon name of Weintraub was being dragged through the tar, then enshrouded with feathers! The masses were repeatedly hiding yours truly with the dueling glove. The calls for this reporter’s head could be “heard” across the Plains.

“Too many words!” cybershouted the rabble.

“Pointless waste of time!” clattered the salivating pack of Hellhounds.

“No scantily-clad femmes!” hooted the Intelligent Designers.

Graphs, religious slurs, invitations to graphic, self-induced acts of violence—why, it’s enough to make a Knoble Knight of the Keyboard attempt to drown himself in his own inkwell. Had this reporter been more aware of the Villagers and their collective Torches marching to demand the WeinMonster be slain (instead of concentrating on his five-month old child), he would have not let his good name (and that of Weintrauben everywhere) be lumped together with those of Lenin or Bissinger.

Fortunately for you, this reporter is made of stern stuff. And he refuses to be sent out of town on a rail by some agoraphobic office drones with an axe to grind and mayhem on their mind (a distressing number of whom seem to be affiliated with the Steel City). But the new constable of this particular village, A.J. “The Whiskered Wizard” Daulerio, seeks to commingle the names Pipp and Leitch, and therefore has in mind other responsibilities for the much-vilified reporter who humbles himself before you today. I bow to all of you in recognition of your “victory” over my attempt to import some refinement and nostalgia into this unsightly, ominous world.

I must beg of you, however, to do me the honor of turning your bestiality upon others more worthy of abuse. This reporter’s goal, aside from a nod in the direction of a more flowery and interesting period in the annals of language, has been to provide a gentle satiric smack upside my typing colleagues’ brow for their laziness in covering our beloved base ball, particularly when it comes to bestowing alternate monikers upon those who grace our Great Nation’s playing fields. Not for this reporter the dullard A-Rod, I-Rod, K-Rod trope. It demeans the process and the players—can we not be bothered to dig at least a little into their backgrounds and performing styles to conjure a more sibilant and pleasing alter ego?

As this foray into a new form of mass communication has proven, the sporting fandom collective can be used for good as well as Weintraub-brutalizing. Surely, said hive intelligence can come up with something more interesting than “HanRam.” After all, you brave and righteous “commenters” hide behind a virtual speakeasy full of aliases, most of them creative and designed to amuse. Shouldn’t we demand the same of our punditry, those paid (often handsomely) to comment?

Alas, the marine layer has been lifted from my optical orbs. You the reader, corpuscle to my bloodstream, whale oil to my lantern, prefer the simpleton nickname, the tales of ribaldry instead of on-field glory, the 18-17 burlesque. It is this reporter who is out of place in this modernized, top-volume, I-want-it-now, opinions-are-like-elbows society.

Who woulda thunk it?

PREVIOUS SSW

Lovable Brownies have division title within their grasp, thanks to pluck, luck, and Pittsburgh folding like an accordion.

NEW SSW

The Derek Anderson Experience begins and ends with the Bengals.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Cincy, typically, did everything they could to hand a miracle comeback to the Browns, with an incompetence bordering on criminality in the second half. But Derek and his Falling Dominoes wouldn't take it. Even the charmed Phil Dawson couldn't make good on a botched snap, an early indicator a brutal day was in the offing.

PREVIOUS SSW

Imported Tuna plus foul weather plus win over Ravens plus 1972 karma equals Miami being given a puncher's chance at the mighy Pats.

NEW SSW

Perfect (regular) season a foregone conclusion, just as it has been since Colts game. But 16-0 only makes a playoff loss that much sweeter for all who despise them.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Parcells will have a lot of talent to import, but the Fish who remain behind have guts aplenty.

PREVIOUS SSW

Choking Giants realize you can't spell Coughlin without 'cough."

NEW SSW

Big Blue can't wait for playoff game at Tampa, where Eli can chillax and play without Vinny from Hackensack screaming for his entrails after ever incomplete pass.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Forget the pouring rain—as Jason Peters goes, so goes the Bills offense. Once he went out, Buffalo spun its wheels on the wet ground. Not a problem for Ahmad Bradshaw, who called his shot in the huddle before the 88-yard sprint that iced the game.

PREVIOUS SSW

Tony Romo seen pricing mink coats for Jess, prepping for the trip to Lambeau that Dallas suddenly might face for the NFC Title game.

NEW SSW

After icy debacle in Chi, Pack happy to play anywhere outside winter wonderland.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Not since Sean Landeta's whiff of a attempted punt in '85 (also in the Windy City) has a punting game been so tragicomic.

PREVIOUS SSW

Tragedy and confusion mark Joe Gibbs' (mercifully) last season as head man in D.C.

NEW SSW

Only a coach who sat in the front row of the old school like Gibbs could have his club playing better after a star player is murdered.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Todd Collins doing the best job of replacing an injured QB and reinvigorating his team since a guy named Brady did it in 2001. OK, that's hyperbole, but this isn't—all neutral fans should be happy at Washington's renaissance, as the Vikings would make for an unwatchable playoff participant.

PREVIOUS SSW

San Diego finally back to being the team that can look forward to disappointing everyone in the playoffs.

NEW SSW

The pride of Santa Claus, Indiana takes a beating on X-mas Eve. Does that mean the Chargers are part of Bill O'Reilly's War On Christmas™?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Good to see the hatred flowing out there, instead of the kissy-face and prayer circles and "we're all one big union out there." On the other hand, Rivers taunting anybody is like Jamie Lynn calling your girlfriend a skank.

PREVIOUS SSW

Tony Romo can't wait until tomorrow, because he gets better looking every day.

NEW SSW

Injured thumb, underperforming team, a plenitude of horse collars, and a potential January trip to Lambeau looming as a giant cockblock. Relax—there's always Ashlee.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Once Andre Girode went out with the injury, the Eagles attacked the middle of the Cowboys line with blitzes and stunts, and the Dallas offense was on skates. Maybe one day, somebody will write about the importance of the center in the NFL.

PREVIOUS SSW

Wind and rain will cause the Patriots pain, cause they can't hardly make a gain, as their running game is on the wane.

NEW SSW

Who needs Brady? Maroney will carry the Pats past the opposition when the Nor'easters come to Foxborough.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

It's one thing to get 100+ against the Jets, although David Harris is some player. But they'll be sweating any game when they cannot throw it unabated. Just like they sweated this one, only to make a couple of plays at winning time. Unfortunately, the Jets need a new battery for their watch.

PREVIOUS SSW

Ravens defense is so emotionally exhausted (and morally bankrupt) they barely have the strength to get pissed at their own offense anymore.

NEW SSW

Miami's first win comes on a long catch-and-run by a white receiver? I thought they dealt Wes Welker. I guess that's why Huizenga was weeping in the owner's box.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Perhaps Garo Yepremian put the whammy on the usually reliable Matt Stover in OT. Happiest over this result are the Bengals, who are spared the pressure of facing the 0-15 Fish in Florida on the season's final week.

PREVIOUS SSW

After drooling buildup over potential foul weather, only conditions that would daunt Shackleton enough for Bills-Browns tilt.

NEW SSW

Jamal "4 Months" Lewis no stranger to dealing with large amounts of snow, so it's not surprising he was effective in polar atmosphere.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Actually, the most astounding weather-affected game was in Charlotte, where the Panthers', playing with a lineup that wouldn't scare Independence High, took down the red-hot 'Hawks. Matt Moore, the Panthers QB, couldn't even start at UCLA, yet he could cost Seattle the three seed.

PREVIOUS SSW

God is doing the get-up-right-when-he-sits-down diss LT pulled on Rivers to Jon Kitna.

NEW SSW

Norv overheard cackling "Marty Who?" post-game. Remember when it seemed Marinelli was a much better coach, and Millen a better G.M. than A.J.?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Lions hauled it a whole nine times. "We didn't earn the opportunity to run the ball more," quoth Rod Marinelli. Ahh, now it makes sense—letting Kitna throw and throw is a punishment for the team.

PREVIOUS SSW

Vikings behind 1-2 running punch are the third-best team in the NFC, regardless of who is "managing game" behind center.

NEW SSW

If the third-best team needs a fluke broken play to beat a whipped Bears team led by a guy who hasn't played in two years, than how fugly is the fourth-best team?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Vikings should be Jacksonville-lite, with the same strengths and weaknesses. Can Gerrard be that much better than Tarvaris? Perhaps. Minny will be a trendy playoff upset pick, but they'd best tighten up the ship in coverage and on the offensive line if they are to make some noise in January.

PREVIOUS SSW

Patriots suddenly vulnerable, yet in no way does it make them more attractive or likeable. Giselle doesn't go for that doe-eyed crap anyway—she's a frontrunner.

NEW SSW

Only way to slow Patriots is for opposing team to declare, "We have no chance" en masse to media in build up to game.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

New England closing in on another unheard of feat—going through an entire game without calling a running play.

PREVIOUS SSW

D-Nabb is back behind center—let the winning return! Well, the limping, anyway.

NEW SSW

Philly fans will doubtlessly send Donovan off in his final few games as an Eagle with the class for which they are known.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

Terrible pass interference non-call helps G-men to rare key wintertime win. No word on whether ref called Jason Avant "boy" after the play.

PREVIOUS SSW

Cue up that "San Diego Super Chargers" theme in SoCal, cause the Bolts are back in MartyBall form.

NEW SSW

LT asks Fisher for his money back after bounty hit mistakenly goes on Merriman and not Rivers, as requested.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

If Tomlinson can somehow get through the next three weeks without taking a dump in his quarterback's locker, San Diego can still steal the three seed. That could be big if the Chargers thus avoid the Jags, who would give them trouble with their powerful lines.

PREVIOUS SSW

Visit by the midnight-moving Colts can whip Baltimore into an even angrier passion than the Patriots did.

NEW SSW

"Next Man Up" was written about the Ravens, but it's the Colts that embody the principle. A few minutes against the Pats and a missed chip shot FG, and they are the ones with their own "Pursuit of Perfection" category on the bottom line.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

Brian Billick assures fans he will be back for another season of 3rd and 1 passes. Greater Bal-mer pleads for Omar Little to "take care" of that punk bitch before he re-ups.

PREVIOUS SSW

The only running going on in Motown will be when Millen and Martz are run out of town on a rail.

NEW SSW

Talented, deep, powerful, and now lucky too? All they need in Dallas are the spy cameras and you got the Patriots with a smoky BBQ flavor.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

Detroit emptied the bucket as surely as the Ravens did against New England, and came up just as agonizingly (and predictably) short. It's enough to drive Kitna back to the bottle.

PREVIOUS SSW

The 23 months given to MV7 just enough time for Arthur Blank to line up a sucker to take this lemon franchise off his hands, just in time for the big release.

NEW SSW

If only Chris Redman had sold some draft insurance to the Saints, they might be able to profit off the Bush bust.

BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS

When Deuce went down, a lot of people thought Stecker would be a better call as every down back than Reggie. New Orleans would have been better off not trying to force plays onto Bush that he is ill-suited for, especially with Stecker around to run between the tackles.

PREVIOUS SSW

Pats had their wake-up call, now it's look out 19-0.

NEW SSW

Is it not enough they are the best team, they have to get every break, too? A dumb timeout, a penalty that goes against the Pats saves their bacon, a couple of tipped balls fall to the turf, BS 4th down holding call—and then they convert when they absolutely have to. Every single time. It just makes you sick.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Rare game when Pats were dominated on both lines, thanks to players like Haloti Ngata and Mike Flynn, guys who get little pub. Yet when the game is on the line, Brady gets all day, and Ravens couldn't get first downs.

PREVIOUS SSW

Giants don't have to kick to Hester, but unfortunately for Big Blue, they can't keep the ball away from Manning.

NEW SSW

Antonio Pierce says Eli was "bred for this," and incredibly, ravenous tabloids agree.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Instead of saying "spike the ball" in late-game situations when the QB grounds it intentionally, Buck and Aikman have been using the odious terminology "clock the ball." They're so insidery! Please refrain immediately. They did take proper notice of the great play by rookie safety Michael Johnson to stop a screen that could have been six in the final minute.

PREVIOUS SSW

Emotional Skins unlikely to run off five in a row for Sean, but woe be the punchless Bills this week.

NEW SSW

Any other time, Gibbs' Boner with the timeouts would be a sackable offense. But he gets to be doddering on this day.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Everyone makes a big deal about how unfair it is for the team to have to turn around and play Thursday, but isn't getting out there and hitting better than sitting around being asked how tough it is to have to play?

PREVIOUS SSW

Crushed Cards sinking in the West after second loss to feckless Forty Niners.

NEW SSW

Lost in the shuffle Edge rises like Phoenix to remind club they can win by running—and a bunch of opposition blunders.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Kellen "F-in" Soldier" Winslow makes an incredible catch, and refs job him. Does this mean the stripes don't support the troops? Seems to me that if a guy can get one foot down while getting clocked, it's reasonable to assume he might have gotten both down. But the "you can't let that call decide the game" codicil applies.

PREVIOUS SSW

Who needs Adrian Peterson with that studly offensive line? Even Tarvaris can look decent with Brady-like time to throw.

NEW SSW

Canny made-up injury (LCL? Whoever heard of that, anyway?) allows Peterson and Vikings to stay fresh for stretch run.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

C'mon, seven rushes the whole game? The Lions were a physical team on both lines for much of the season. Now they are getting whipped at the point of attack. Detroit played Damien Woody at right tackle Sunday, the third starter at the position this season, and the first time since high school Woody played tackle. Both tackle and guard were weakened. Now Roy Williams, their best offensive player, is out for the season. The ship be sinking.

PREVIOUS SSW

Garcia's injury keeps hope alive for Saints, who only have to beat LaTech Luke to get within a game of the division.

NEW SSW

Way to underthink, Sean. After all, it's been a while since anyone brought up Reggie's bonehead lateral in the college title game against Texas. Dust off that video, people.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

"Backporch Condom" Jerramy Stevens gets the winning TD. How is it Sheriff Goodell is allowing him to play, exactly?

PREVIOUS SSW

Record-setting 24 point line not nearly high enough—get those bets down on the Pats, the only sure thing in gambling.

NEW SSW

Once again, a nation is bamboozled by A.J. Feeley. First came the news he was dating soccer hottie Heather Mitts, now he almost pulls off an all-time upset. Up until that idiotic last decision, he was in full-blown QB controversy land.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Not buying into the "blueprint" talk—something tells me they will fall out of Greg's bag before he can deliver them to Mr. Brady's client. Still, the last time architects featured prominently in NFL analysis, it was after the Chargers supposedly showed everybody how to beat the unbeatable Colts in '05. Sure enough, Bill Cowher, Ben Roethlisberger, and Art Vandelay followed the instructions and whipped them in the playoffs. Not seeing it this time around, however, although hope springs eternal.

PREVIOUS SSW

The Vikings without Adrian Peterson are like the Beatles without Stu Sutcliffe—addition by subtraction.

NEW SSW

Looks like Mort was right back when he said Eli would miss a month with the bad shoulder—unfortunately for the Giants, he stubbornly insists on playing the games.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Even worse for Eli, Ole Miss, where he hid comfortably in the old man's shadow for four years, blew a 14-0 lead in the 4th quarter and choked the Egg Bowl to arch-rival Mississippi State. The Bulldogs QB, Brent Schaefer, is stunningly reminiscent of Tarvaris Jackson as well.

PREVIOUS SSW

Steroids didn't make Todd Sauerbrun a macho punter. But defying logic and kicking to Hester will make the ladies take notice.

NEW SSW

Kick returners have become more reliable game breakers than injury-plagued quarterbacks and interchangeable running backs.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Chicago-Denver thriller perfectly encapsulates why the NFL is a dictatorship in modern sports—a meaningless game in the big picture, but one filled with big plays, enough drama to give Morbidly Obese Bill Conlin a coronary, played in the Windy City gloaming, before passionate fans, involving teams with basic dark blue and white unis, that totally popped off the TV screen. Sure the Super Bowl sucks every year, but games like these keep us riveted.

PREVIOUS SSW

Redskins beat the bad teams (Miami, Jets), lose to the good teams (Pats, Dallas). Team unsure how to prepare for Bucs, as they fall into neither category.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Tampa had zero first downs in the second half, and gave up 300 yards. And still pulled it out. I know the sharp guys on my teevee keep telling us Jason Campbell is going to be A Great One, but to me he's a more athletic Jon Kitna, without the Holy Water. Kitna too can pile up some numbers, but can be counted on to make the killer turnover when you least need it. JC is showing the same disturbing tendency.

PREVIOUS SSW

Genius doesn't work according to your puny mortal "schedules"—if it takes half the season for the Jets to start to dazzle, then that's how it is. Don't rush Eric, he's being brilliant!

NEW SSW

Suddenly, Rich Kotite is looking pretty good in retrospect.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Even vegetarians fell asleep watching the Jets on Tryptophan Day. Had this one been on NFL Network, Rich Eisen would have murdered Deion by halftime.

PREVIOUS SSW

Ricky's back! The 1976 Bucs should ready to crack their annual celebratory Everclear for when the last 0-fer team gets a W.

NEW SSW

How come a guy so find of the sticky stuff fumbles so often?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Can Pittsburgh be traumatized by a hellacious beating the Patriots haven't even administered yet? Whither the Steelers' once formidable offensive line? Big Ben is getting his appendix beaten out of him back there. Meanwhile, mushy field reminiscent of '82 AFC title game, when Don "Asterisk" Shula purposely left tarp off Orange Bowl field so resulting quagmire would slow speedy Jets. A.J. Duhe, where are you?

PREVIOUS SSW

Pittsburgh holds the inside lane for the #2 seed and the right to be obliterated in the AFC title game by New England.

NEW SSW

This is the high point of Kellen Clemens' career—too bad the team plays again on Thursday.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Jets laid a physical beating on the Steelers like few teams have in recent memory. Forget the ManGenius—let's see more of this ManGNC.

PREVIOUS SSW

Fired-up Buffalo crowd peacock-flexed into drinking hot wing frappes mixed with vodka all day will allow overmatched Bills to give Pats a test.

NEW SSW

Desperate media to continue search for any sliver of hope that Pats will play a game that isn't over by halftime.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Just imagine the difference in this season if Moss was dealt to Green Bay, as almost happened, instead of to Foxborough. Perhaps the Pack would be unbeaten, and the media group grope of Favre would be so nauseating that we would all be longing for some character-free rival (Marinelli has the requisite "asked to kill for his country once too often" look) to steal their signals and whip them.

PREVIOUS SSW

League is so godawful that the Falcons still have a fairly legit shot at the division title.

NEW SSW

Vick overheard asking judge to let hours spent watching Sunday's game count as time served when he is sentenced.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

GADome fans were screaming hard for Joey to enter the game. Joey! Obviously, their brains have been seared by the Atlanta-area drought. Meanwhile, most area residents so turned off by Falcons they plan to stay with their families on Thanksgiving Day, instead of getting the hell out of the house and down to the Dome for the Colts game.

PREVIOUS SSW

In a league lousy with lousy QBs, the worst of them all is, sadly, the once proud and mighty McNair. And he still keeps Boller on the bench.

NEW SSW

New winning tactic—get player prayer circle going, pray for divine intervention, await miracle.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

This ending reminds me of the Dwayne Rudd game, for some reason, if only because that was one where fate treated the Brownies like the franchise just stole its woman. Remember that one, when Rudd ripped his helmet off in celebration, thinking the game was done, when in fact there were a few ticks left, and the ensuing penalty yardage gave the Chiefs the game-winning field goal? Those are things that used to happen to Cleveland before the Brady Quinn era began.

PREVIOUS SSW

Mike Martz's ignore the run style a strategic crown of thorns for the Jesus Bunch.

NEW SSW

Never rile a gap-toothed media hound playing for a contract when coming off an expensive divorce.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Giants fell apart last season after Tennessee game, which felt similar to this one, except that this time, the G-Men managed to make a game-sealing defensive play, rather than choke away a big lead. This team just might be destined to...lose a first round playoff game.

PREVIOUS SSW

"Is he a real QB?" versus "Plug in any RB for a thousand yard season." Two utterly uninteresting and overplayed media memes collide—tonight at Invesco!

NEW SSW

Broncos have their noses in front of Bolts for AFC West, though SD destroyed Denver once and should do it again in Week 16.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Mile High fans don't get to chant "In-Com-Plete" at Vince as much as hoped for—actually, VY played a strong game. But the Titans without Haynesworth just couldn't slow Cutler, who was so Elwayesque, he sold a dozen cars at halftime.

PREVIOUS SSW

They lost to the Pats, but Indy was better than the Greatest Team Ever for 50+ minutes, so they're still in good shape.

NEW SSW

Fugly loss feels like either a Pyrrhic victory, or a moral loss, or some combination that means nothing in the standings and everything to 24/7 NFL talk shows.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Remember last year, after the Pats lost to Denver and everyone read ill omens into Brady's bad body language? Thought not. He and his team turned out OK, as will Manning and the Colts. Will need Freeney and OL healthy by AFC title game is all (although it would behoove Indy to finish ahead of Pitt and not play divisional round at Ketchup Field).

PREVIOUS SSW

Eli finally living up to #1 draft status, and by outplaying Romo, will get fans to stop lumping him in with A-Rod as "guys who just can't make it New York."

NEW SSW

Eli just can't make it in New York. As my stepfather said in his thick Brooklyn accent at the final gun—"Bawbby, we need a new quarterback."

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Eli not responsible for the two killer holding penalties, or the tragicomic attempt to cover T.O., or the fact that his best receiver and fave target was less than 50%. But he probably can't make it New York.

PREVIOUS SSW

All those Saints ads featuring Reggie, Drew and happy New Orleanians scrubbed free of toxic mold for the day can be watched unironically once more—the ship is buoyant again.

NEW SSW

If Steven Jax, T-Holt, and Bulger stay upright and ambulatory, the Rams can still finish ahead of the Saints.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Rams blitzed an amazing 16 of 18 plays to start the game, en route to a 34-7 lead. Brees is a precision passer, but seems to struggle in hot route situations. Forget the Cover Two shell when playing Nawlins, and bring everyone you got.

PREVIOUS SSW

Vince still searching for elixir that will improve his accuracy, but he's Bart Starr compared with Quinn Gray.

NEW SSW

Forget the InVinceable One—Fat Albert Haynesworth is the key cog to the Titans.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

VY has rushed for over fifty yards twice this season, Sunday and against Indy. Tennessee lost both of them. Lesson—stop at 49 yards, even if it requires a screeching 90-degree turn and sprint out of bounds.

PREVIOUS SSW

Dawg Pound finally has a reason to slobber and pee excitedly on the rug, but 34-7 smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper by masters in black and gold on Opening Day still fresh in everyone's minds.

NEW SSW

Brownies are a year away, but loaded in all three phases with ballers. All they need is a coach with a clue—and better red flag technique.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Joshua Cribbs and Antwan Peek were both fantastic, but while Cribbs is good, let's not forget that this so-called "golden age of returners" is more a function of weak cover units than anything else. Heavy turnover and injury potential prevents cover units from building any sort of cohesion, and Cribbs, Hester, et al, take advantage. It's damn exciting though, so who cares?

PREVIOUS SSW

Seattle mediocrity chalked up to Hasselbeck family tension after revelation Hawks QB is much more than "Uncle Matt" to Elizabeth and new bambino.

NEW SSW

New Seattle MLS franchise likely to score more often than Niners.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Game predictably unwatchable, but seeing Kornheiser freeze his Tonys off during PTI live from blustery Qwest Field comedy gold.

PREVIOUS SSW

Super Bowl champs (who, incidentally, started last season 9-0, yet title was considered a surprise) utterly subsumed by Pats' run at unbeaten season. Which is proper, since no one can keep BeliCheat's boys under 38 points.

NEW SSW

Outhit, outthought, outraged, but still unbeaten. Pats won't have to find a way in last seven games—16-0 is a foregone conclusion.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

OK, it was a big game, but let's not make it out to be the Tehran Derby between Persepolis and Esteghlal at the Azadi Stadium. Now that's a rivalry, usually one that involves stoning the losing team's bus. Also, RCA Dome unlikely to be carpet bombed by the USAF anytime soon. As for the Colts, had Antoine Bethea held on to sure pick one play before bomb to Moss turned the game, Indy is still celebrating.

PREVIOUS SSW

Jesus doesn't take kindly to mocking the less fortunate. He thought Kitna's Halloween costume was pretty funny, though.

NEW SSW

"FIRE MILLEN!" T-shirts still selling well, but only on Eight Mile, for $5 a throw.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

OK, so they beat the Bears twice, Oakland, Minnesota, Tampa, and a sliding Denver. Not exactly the Fab Five, but Detroit's physical dominance not to be ignored.

PREVIOUS SSW

Bolts have overcome Nonsensical Norv and are back in the AFC playoff conversation.

NEW SSW

Playoff advancement problematic, as San Diego is unable to win away from the smoky confines of home.
Meanwhile, here's the 2008 fantasy draft order—
1. Peterson
2. Brady
3. Moss
4. Tomlinson
5. Manning
6-150 Inconsequential
151. Rivers

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Remember that huge offer sheet the Vikes used to lure Steve Hutchinson from Seattle? Worth every dime. He and left tackle Bryant McKinnie erased a banged-up but formidable Chargers D. Even more impressive given the guys calling signals in purple.

PREVIOUS SSW

Bengals bitched out against Pittsburgh, and Buffalo is a house of horror for Cincinnati. Yet Cincy is favored by one in Vegas. Maybe the smart guys don't know anything about this league either.

NEW SSW

The QB situation is unsettled, the D is a bunch of no-names, and Methuseleh Marv is still working out the salary cap over daily bowls of tomato soup. But Buffalo is a ridiculous loss to Dallas away from a 5-game winning streak.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Coughing clunker ambulance at Ralph Wilson Stadium actually broke down in tunnel transporting Ocho Cinco to hospital after fearsome hit. Now there's a handy metaphor for Cincy's collapsed season. How did Kevin Everett get to emergency surgery, anyway—Marshawn Lynch's injury cart?

PREVIOUS SSW

Put those tarps over the passing section of the Jaguars' playbook.

NEW SSW

Brees had a fantastic preseason, then a rusty first four games, now he's back in midseason form. Forget all that voodoo burial stuff, and buy the QB a dayplanner.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Saints are back to semi-feelgood status, but Sean Payton has one of those insipid coach mantras—"Don't eat the cheese." Pass the Lactaid. Can't anyone just win with a little dignity anymore?

PREVIOUS SSW

Last chance for Ray Lewis and supposedly badass Ravens D to show national audience they still have some bite.

NEW SSW

Bal-mer almost as disappointing as the Bengals. Brownies, with talent reminiscent of Cincinnati circa 2004, only team keeping AFC North interesting.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Joey Vegas waves goodbye, James Harrison takes over as dominant force off the corner. Pittsburgh has unending chain of stud linebackers, while multiple teams haven't had one in years. Must be something in the water created by the confluence of the Three Rivers.

PREVIOUS SSW

Bears reduced to hoping opposition foolish enough to kick to Hester; can't win otherwise.

NEW SSW

Rex Grossman's last-gasp ploy, dumping Gatorade on Griese's helmet receiver, backfires.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Proof Papa Bear's ghost prefers Griese—fourth quarter bad snap goes through Griese's legs. Had it hit his leg, or had Griese been in the shotgun, it would have been a fumble, and Eagles set up to deliver the bullet to the back of the head. But as it didn't touch Griese, and went beyond the QB, it was only a 5-yard penalty, allowing Bears to kick a key figgie.

PREVIOUS SSW

Giants at their worst when prospering, as they have a tendency to believe they crap gold nuggets.

NEW SSW

Nothing like the Falcons and Niners back-to-back to make playing for Tom Coughlin a delight. At current exchange rate, beating Dolphins in Blighty will be worth only half a W.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Trent Dilfer a corrective to old, washed-up QB craze sweeping the league, as his two self-inflicted turnovers on consecutive plays eliminate any hope for SF.

PREVIOUS SSW

Fish D always gives Tom Brady fits, and Jason Taylor good for at least one killshot per game.

NEW SSW

Time for someone to step up and Save Our Sundays by taking a cheap shot at Brady and/or Moss.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Hey, a Matt Cassell sighting! The dude who got Palmer and Leinart's leftovers at SC (but no playing time) has always been whispered about in New England as Brady-esque. Maybe he knocked up his ex, but otherwise any similarities are off-base. Still — putting Brady back into a 42-21 game?

PREVIOUS SSW

Big Ben has eliminated the SteveO from his game, leaving only a smart, decisive player. Cutler is still running the streets with Trishelle.

NEW SSW

Endless break between NLCS and World Series allows Broncs to slurp from Rockies feel-good well to every reporter in country.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Not having Champ Bailey a blessing in disguise as D-line suddenly feels some urgency to get to the quarterback. Does having a shutdown corner lull D-coordinators into complacent pass rush schemes?

PREVIOUS SSW

Rumors abound Bengals ready to trade Ocho Cinco for the dude in those "NFL Latino" ads.

NEW SSW

Best way to get mouthy receiver to shut hole is by winning with a punishing ground game.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Pigskin egghead Bill Walsh once identified 4th quarter pass rush
as the most important element to winning games. Two late-game
sacks from the Bengals, and numerous hurries, means team could
overindulge on victory brews afterward.

PREVIOUS SSW

Kerry vs. Sage a late-night pillowfight at Southern Mississippi sorority house, not NFL QB matchup.

NEW SSW

Commit five turnovers vs. Falcons and win, give up 29 4th quarter points and win—next week, Titans to attempt to beat Raiders with only nine men on the field.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Don't forget—Craig Hentrich set new NFL record with 8 holds of field goals in a single game. An unappreciated field of endeavor—just ask Tony Romo.

PREVIOUS SSW

Rare sellout crowd, rediscovered running game, Russell Crowe in the house—Jags poised to make a run at the Colts in tough division.

NEW SSW

Bad loss, tough sked, QB depth chart selected by Al Sharpton—Jags in a tough position in a tough division.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Hunter Smith had punted less than anyone else entering game, but clearly kept his leg loose—kick killed inside Jags 5 set up safety that snuffed out J-ville's hopes.

PREVIOUS SSW

Romo & Co. have a puncher's chance at handing the Pats their first loss. And then we can speculate if the Cowboys will go undefeated!

NEW SSW

Patriots = Georgia Tech
Rest of NFL = Cumberland College

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Barring a Brady broken leg, it would be an upset if the Pats didn't go unbeaten. But are they better than the '03-04 squads that won 21 straight and 32 of 34, counting the playoffs? Perhaps not—they are not nearly as scary defensively (although their best player, Richard Seymour, might be back this week). But the league is infinitely worse than just a couple of years ago, so 19-0 looks promising.

PREVIOUS SSW

Old, crappy, and color-blind, Vinny's comeback makes for some good fantasy waiver wire jokes.

NEW SSW

Cue the George Blanda references. Meanwhile, John Shaffer tosses some balls through his backyard tire swing and waits for the call from Arizona.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Steve Smith deserves all the hosannas he receives. But it was Rod Hood's botched coverage that made the decisive play a success for the Panthers. One moment of mental midgetry, and Vinny's a national hero, while the Cards are, well, the Cards. And Arizona's "he's still playing?!" QB was knocked out in the first quarter.

PREVIOUS SSW

Reggie Bush since Heisman Trophy acceptance speech: Bonehead lateral that cost USC third straight title, dubious housing deal in LA, passed over as No. 1 pick, sporadic rookie season, now full on bust.

NEW SSW

In lameass NFC, even 0-4 start doesn't eliminate Saints from the playoffs, not with Reggie B. juking and jiving.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Write off the Seahawks at your own peril—the schedule is ludicrously easy the rest of the way, so long as Hasselbeck isn't conked by a falling camera. But Alexander is nothing without lead blocker Mack Strong.

PREVIOUS SSW

Levi Jones vs. four dudes in Vegas? No sweat.

NEW SSW

Levi Jones vs. Jared Allen at Arrowhead? No chance.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Bengals gave huge money in the last couple of years to the perennially injured Jones and their opposite tackle, standard-bearer but aged Willie Anderson. Meanwhile, stud guard Eric Steinbach was allowed to walk to the Browns. And the Bengals offensive brilliance has gone with him.

PREVIOUS SSW

Bears and Vikings have played approximately 38 straight unwatchable games, and Griese-Jackson QB matchup promises to make it 39.

NEW SSW

Peterson -Hester slugfest most scintillating game of season, and lone contest worth watching on blahfest Sunday.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Boy, the Bears miss Tank Johnson—Chet Taylor got 83 yards on top of A.P.'s 224. But those Peterson runs will be the ones shown when he is announced as Rookie of the Year. Fantasy football magazines are already planning covers featuring Peterson as consensus number one pick in 2008. Enjoy him before the inevitable injury.

PREVIOUS SSW

Fantasy stampede to reacquire Jones-Drew not seen since Costner was shaken out of whiskey-induced sleep by tatonka rumbling across Dakota Plains. But will MJD be successful against Jags bete noire, Houston?

NEW SSW

J-ville prime candidate to ruin CBS wet dream of unbeaten Colts-Pats showdown.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

The Jags took beating the Texans seriously—they onside-kicked in the second quarter, up 7-6, and recovered. More teams should pull the OK out of the shocker bag when least expected—it almost always works when not done out of desperation.

PREVIOUS SSW

Eli-to-Plexiglass, the two guys most responsible for last season's collapse, suddenly most lethal combo in league.

NEW SSW

With weak schedule ahead, Giants extremely capable of taking the division, making playoffs, and foisting Coughlin on fans with WFAN on speed dial for another season.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Falcons are awful, but not as bad as Atlanta mass transit, which is incapable of getting people home from events at Georgia Dome without pissing them off. Meanwhile, in comedian news, on ESPN Jimmy Kimmel slays Joey T. in absentia, while TBS airs 17th and final postseason baseball game—one over the minimum (they had four sweeps and a four-game series). Frank Caliendo weeps.

PREVIOUS SSW

Kitna and his band of disciples have Jesus on their side, and thus a chance at ending Detroit's endless futility in the nation's capital.

NEW SSW

The least-heralded part of Auburn's Salary Cap Backfield of 2004, Jason Campbell, looks like he'll be the keeper at the pro level.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Detroit's a good team to play when down a top wideout (as the Skins were without Moss)—according to Football Outsiders, the Lions excel at stopping the opponent's #1 receiver (6th in the NFL), but can't stop the dude on the other side (30th in the NFL). In this case, everyone was #2, as Campbell hit 8 different receivers.

PREVIOUS SSW

New York should shift easily from baseball drama to basketball soap opera without stopping to pay attention to football.

NEW SSW

If NFL truly was all-powerful, it would have scheduled Jets-Giants game after annual Yankees collapse.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Whither the Mangenius? Last season, the Jets came up with enough trick defenses and big plays to sneak into playoffs. Sunday, Jets D-line was simply manhandled. As a great New Yorker, Oscar Madison, put it, "Brains, without brute force, in football leaves a lot of cleat marks on the back of your head."

PREVIOUS SSW

Cardinals playing well even though presumed franchise quarterback can't outplay presumed dead backup last effective pre-9/11.

NEW SSW

Cards receiving corps (not dissimilar to Greatest Show On Turf in skill) seen paying off reward to Rams lineman responsible for snapping Curly's collarbone.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Easy to make fun of the Rams, but they almost won with Slappy Frerotte (presumed even deader than Warner) and no Stephen Jax. The refs handed the Cards this one with Donaghy-like efficiency.

PREVIOUS SSW

Don't look now, but Joey Joe Joe Harrington isn't half-bad.

NEW SSW

He's all bad. But Leftwich should be cut again. He's as awful as Tony Gwynn is fat.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Crumpler is only half right when he says "when we get inside the 50, we're the worst team in the NFL." Uh, lose that qualifier, Algernon.

PREVIOUS SSW

Vince Young, outdoing Reggie Bush again. Damn, that Heisman vote just keeps on giving.

NEW SSW

Vinnie, you're engaging, but let's get another take on that tattoo commercial. And while you're at it, another time through the playbook—that was a lucky win and a half-assed performance.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Titans unfurled some nifty pirouette plays to take advantage of Young's mobility, including a fake handoff, spin out to a bootleg, then spin back toward the original thrust of play, then look downfield. Not particularly effective, but it sure was purty.

PREVIOUS SSW

Canning Marty Schottenheimer worst decision since Papa Dolan told his wife to leave the diaphragm in her purse.

NEW SSW

Norvelous!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

41-3 looks grand, but it's more a statement of how woeful Denver has become. What's more arrogant—assuming crappy coaches can take over the Chargers with no slippage, or the "I know better" approach of Shanahan? Who else would draft Clarett, sign a bunch of Browns d-linemen, pop in a rookie at QB with the playoffs in view, and pick up a deadbeat dad with a penchant for the sticky stuff? Then scoff at those who question the moves? Suddenly, the Raiders are the model franchise of the AFC West.

PREVIOUS SSW

Cue the hype for the Cowboys-Patriots showdown midway through the second quarter.

NEW SSW

OK, you can cue it now. And note to NFL suits: Let's not wait another 13 years before returning to Buffalo for Monday Night Football.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS

Game eerily reminiscent of return of MNF to Cincy after a decade-plus of ignoring the town—led by former Bronco Deltha O'Neal, the Bengals swiped a bunch of Denver passes and shocked Shanny's boys. Until it was eerily reminiscent of Bears-Cardinals Monday night game last year.

PREVIOUS SSW

Finally, Romeo sees the light, and the City of the Big Shoulders unclenches its collective fists.

NEW SSW

Can Hope Solo throw a spiral? How about defend the onside kick return? Flash ahead a month, when Rex is back in as QB for the 3-6 Bears.

PREVIOUS SSW

Brett Favre, playing not a day over 35.

NEW SSW

Those who were quickest to bury Favre and call for his ouster (anyone remember the name "Aaron Rodgers") will be first to cast a vote for Favre as MVP. The only Aaron that mattered all along is Kampman.

PREVIOUS SSW

Jeff Garcia's game is as ugly as his wife is delicious, but he wins games.

NEW SSW

No more Cadillac, but it looks like even a Yugo can win the sad sack NFC South. Barrett Ruud and Jermaine Phillips are Lexus class, though.

PREVIOUS SSW

Big Ben eager to show he didn't need Whisenhunt to guide him toward great decisions, like riding a crotch rocket without a helmet.

NEW SSW

Revenge is a dish best served in a dry heat. WhizNGrimm have the QB shuffle down—now they need a Slash type player to complete the Iron City Southwest makeover.

PREVIOUS SSW

Dallas Clark is the best non-fullback to wear #44 ever.

NEW SSW

Hey dude, those seats cost about $175—is a souvenir too much to ask?

PREVIOUS SSW

The Dolphins stink, but they usually win September games in sultry Miami, especially against Done-te Culpepper.

NEW SSW

Everyone always says it's the second year that proves a player is back from a serious knee injury. But why be patient when Trent Green is available?

PREVIOUS SSW

If there's one guy in the league Norv can outcoach, it's Herm.

NEW SSW

Maybe the Chargers can talk the Giants into dealing Eli for LaDanian. Does this mean Father Manning was right about the Chargers franchise all along?

PREVIOUS SSW

D-Nabb without the knee brace put up 56 on the Lions. Enter the Big Blue Can't Cover Crew.

NEW SSW

Winston Justice part of grand conspiracy to make McNabb look bad, therefore come under more criticism "because he's black." Wait, Justice is black, too? Bigger Uncle Tom than Clarence Thomas.

PREVIOUS SSW

The Bengals need a whole bunch of pigeon shit to get in Brady's eyes to have any chance against the Pats.

NEW SSW

Wake us up January 20, when the Pats and Colts play for the championship in the AFC Title game.

PREVIOUS SSW

Green Bay is decent, but reality, thy name is Merriman.

NEW SSW

The country dudes Favre practices with in those Wrangler ads have really helped Brylcreem Brett sharpen his game.

PREVIOUS SSW

Donovan McNabb's attempt to change site of Eagles-Lions game to Jena, Louisiana comes up short.

NEW SSW

Superstition is fine, but please don't tell me you'll be wearing those unis ever again. Ever.

PREVIOUS SSW

They run, they hit, they get things done in the crunch—beware the Redskins, the NFC's bounceback team.

NEW SSW

Joe Gibbs is the NFL's Bobby Bowden, looking on helplessly as his team plays on without his (1980's era) input. Next time, try Southeast Jerome on the goal line.

PREVIOUS SSW

Has Jacksonville's offense broken the childproof locks on Jack Del Rio's axe cabinet?

NEW SSW

Nothing like an 18-play, 12-minute drive to get a team choppin' wood.

PREVIOUS SSW

Cincinnati has to have the ball last to prevail, because they sure aren't stopping anybody in crunch time.

NEW SSW

In order to have the ball last, one must not fumble the kickoff. Is it possible it's the Bengals' special teams that are the weakest link?

PREVIOUS SSW

The Giants defense is so awful, the team asked Sam Huff to come down from the Skins' broadcast booth to suit up against Washington.

NEW SSW

Remember Gary Reasons? This goal-line stand was just like that one—except without the Super Bowl caliber team and the dramatic snowy field. Meanwhile, Tom Coughlin remains unkillable with conventional weapons.

PREVIOUS SSW

As long as the Cowboys play teams that can't throw deep, they are tough to beat.

NEW SSW

The only thing holding this super team back last year was Parcells.

PREVIOUS SSW

Cards could be easily 0-2, easily 2-0. Who the hell knows what kind of team they are? At least they have Leinart...

NEW SSW

Long-distance Daddy-dom doesn't mix with studying game film. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner's freaky wife seen brandishing steak knife in Paris Hilton's direction, screaming "keep your sickness away from my Special K!!"

PREVIOUS SSW

Once again, the Bears defense and special teams will be asked to win games in spite of Rex Grossman.

NEW SSW

The Bears defense and special teams main suspects should the brakes fail on Rex's GMC Yukon.

PREVIOUS SSW

The tide may be rising over Norv's head, but his talented team will provide a Mae West.

NEW SSW

Who is laughing harder, Marty Schottenheimer or Jose Mourinho?

PREVIOUS SSW

The Raiders won't win a game until the franchise admits that Al Davis, in fact, died four years ago.

NEW SSW

Once innovators, the Raiders resort to copycat tactics to win the game at the gun. Well played, though not exactly cricket. And it's not like the "iced" kicker choked—the figgie was blocked. Just win, baby!

PREVIOUS SSW

D'Brickashaw Ferguson is an average tackle not living up to hype, draft position, or cool name.

NEW SSW

D'Brickashaw Ferguson let Jason Taylor know life will be much more difficult when Miami plays the Jets twice a year.

PREVIOUS SSW

We are not beholden to the Law of 370, sayeth Kansas City, who will run LJ until his lower extremities are scattered all over Arrowhead Stadium.

NEW SSW

OK, so it's not 1974, we'll throw the ball a little. Hey, looky there, a touchdown!

PREVIOUS SSW

The MNF legions, the Superdome, Spike Lee—cue up the inevitable video of still storm-damaged New Orleans, cause it's time to jerk the tears once again.

NEW SSW

Who says things aren't back to normal in the Crescent City—the Saints are back to being terrible. Oh, and Daunte Culpepper is better than Brees. The Nicktator was right!

PREVIOUS SSW

Super Bowl contender New Orleans will work out its offensive struggles against the Succaneers.

NEW SSW

That "K-Ville" show looks like it might be pretty good, at least.

PREVIOUS SSW

Derek Anderson, c'mon down! You're the next sacrificial lamb to play QB for the Browns.

NEW SSW

Derek Anderson is the latest average QB the Bengals D has turned into John Elway (Elway they turned into Zeus). Enjoy it while it lasts, my man.

PREVIOUS SSW

Eli will miss a month, or a week, or a series — doesn't matter, even with Lummox Lorenzen at the helm, they should beat Green Bay at home.

NEW SSW

Can Eli play defensive back too?

PREVIOUS SSW

Coach Chucky has taken the Bucs from Super Bowl champs to unwatchably awful in a few short years, and won't be smirking on the Tampa sideline in 2008.

NEW SSW

Maybe Gruden woke up at 3:22 AM instead of 3:30 AM this week. Just protect Garcia's spleen and they might be decent.

PREVIOUS SSW

The Houston franchise has been run with all the acumen of the Bush White House, the Rumsfeld Pentagon, and the Rice State Department combined.

NEW SSW

We told you Mario was the right choice over Reggie. Wait, he did nothing Sunday, either? Well, Schaub was a good pickup — give us something here, we're 2-0 for cripes sake! Remember when we beat the Cowboys in our first game ever? We haven't had a reason to shout since! Bunch of killjoys around here...

PREVIOUS SSW

Those Jets fans are callous unfeeling worms for cheering Pennington's injury like that.

NEW SSW

Louts rejoice! Kellen Clemens will be good, and soon.

PREVIOUS SSW

Shanahan was a great coach with No. 7 in charge and T.D. hauling the mail. Now? Just another guy who thinks he invented the buttonhook.

NEW SSW

It was sneaky, pushed the envelope of being legal, and not exactly classy — that timeout right as the ball was snapped was pure Mastermind.

PREVIOUS SSW

The Rams can't do anything without Orlando Pace anchoring that left side.

NEW SSW

Almost 400 yards against a decent defense. But special teams rears its ugly head once again. I thought Martz was in Detroit, no?

PREVIOUS SSW

Combination of residual anger over playoff taunting and shutdown of BeliCheat's spyware should give the Chargers and their talented roster the edge.

NEW SSW

LaDanian shouldn't make BeliBixby angry. LaDanian wouldn't like BeliBixby angry. Pats smash! (Wait, does this make Norv Jack McGee?)

PREVIOUS SSW

Jon Kitna is a turnover machine cannily waiting to sabotage any greatness those fab wideouts can muster.

NEW SSW

No head, all heart. Maybe knocking Kitna silly helps slap the stupid out of his play. If he drives naked through the drive through on the way to practice tomorrow, that's just the concussion talking.

PREVIOUS SSW

Bears are the one sure survival pool pick in an insane world.

NEW SSW

But thanks to Rex, not so sure a spread bet. That this game was in doubt in the fourth quarter may have been the weekend's biggest upset.

PREVIOUS SSW

If you don't have LaDanian or Steven Jackson, good luck in your fantasy league.

NEW SSW

You should pick a receiver with your first two picks — the running backs are all interchangeable.

PREVIOUS SSW

Joe Gibbs doesn't like it when Redskins games coincide with NASCAR races—he'd rather watch Fat Tony Stewart than Southeast Jerome.

NEW SSW

That's no problem when the Skins play on Monday Night Football.

Getty Images Photo

The SSW. Or, as it's known in longhand, the Sean Salisbury Wisdom. The SSW represents the I Formation I Ching, the consensus of the football punditocracy, the "Let me tell ya something about this here game" obviousness that the Pigskin Pee-Wee Herman and the rest of the phony-tough, kicker-hating, horse-laughing "experts" who conspire to build the consensus of the SSW bark from the teevee 28 hours or so a day during the week.

Only to be proven wrong on Sunday.

See, the best thing about the NFL is its sheer unpredictability, especially for the nation's bookmakers. Things we take for granted in Week 1 are usually rendered absurd by Week 4, because no league adapts and changes so quickly, thanks to injury, overcoaching and the essential mediocrity of most teams.

Think about the number of iterations the Colts went through in the SSW before winning the Super Bowl and earning Peyton Manning the occasional commercial opportunity. There were the opening night questions about the offense when they struggled to beat the Giants, then the 9-0 start when their ass was essentially crowned, then the stretch when seemingly every fullback dive play went for 60 yards against their porous defense, then the playoff run when they were supposed to be sledgehammered by the Chiefs, then the Ravens, then the Pats. Then came the Big Game™, when they would pass the Bears silly. Of course, none of it turned out as the SSW would have it.

The SSW isn't always entirely wrong — it gets thrown the occasional apatosaurus bone like the one Fred and Wilma dine on at the end of the opening credits. Take the Raiders last season—once the initial SSW (Art Shell is a "real Raider" who will install some discipline to Moss, Porter and the rest of the wild bunch) was shown to be fatally flawed on opening night, the SSW corrected to "they suck," which was an understatement, if anything.

So the mission of this season is to track the whiplash of the SSW as the season progresses, and to ensure those triumphant declarations from Friday aren't flushed down the memory hole on Monday. So without further ado...

PREVIOUS SSW

The Colts Super Bowl win was a mirage; their lack of depth on defense and at running back will cause a Super hangover.

NEW SSW

Hey, how come the Colts defenders get to play with jetpacks? Does Manning have an endorsement deal for those too?

PREVIOUS SSW

Sexy Rexy Grossman is the only thing holding back the Bears from another Super Bowl run.

NEW SSW

Maybe they shouldn't have let Thomas Jones go. At least Mike Brown got in his annual quarter and a half before going back on IR.

PREVIOUS SSW

Drew Brees + Reggie Bush > NFC South + Army Corps of Engineers.

NEW SSW

Did The Man blow a hole in the Saints secondary as well as the 17th Street Canal levee?

PREVIOUS SSW

Vince Young is a Madden cover jinx waiting to detonate.

NEW SSW

Just give VY a few live bodies and he'll get you a W.

PREVIOUS SSW

Tony Romo will be spending a long season looking back fondly at the bobbled PAT in the playoffs as a high point in his career.

NEW SSW

Romo seen intently watching MTV Awards in the locker room to scout next celebrity babe conquest

PREVIOUS SSW

Baby Bro Manning likely to come apart under Cyclops-like intense stare of Tiki Barber and the rest of the NYC media.

NEW SSW

Baby Bro Manning likely to come apart under 300 pounds of brute force on his shoulder.

PREVIOUS SSW

The ManGenius will scheme and study and strain and scarf Skittles on his way back to the playoffs.

NEW SSW

Sure could have used Pete Kendall against that Pats front seven. And didn't you ever practice against a guy returning a kick from eight yards deep?

PREVIOUS SSW

Joey Harrington's manage-the-game style ("white guy") of QBing will prove more effective than the wild freestyling style ("black guy") of Michael Vick, at least enough to get the Falcons 7-9 wins.

NEW SSW

Joey's actually worse than Tarvaris Jackson?

PREVIOUS SSW

Donovan McNabb is healthy, Bryan Westbrook is healthy, Jevon Kearse is healthy — look out, NFC.

NEW SSW

Is Vai Sikahema still active?

PREVIOUS SSW

Brett Favre isn't finished by a long shot — now that he has a solid defense behind him, the Pack are a dark horse in the NFC.

NEW SSW

If the solid Packers defense can overcome Brett Favre, the Pack are a dark horse in the NFC.

PREVIOUS SSW

LaDanian Tomlinson is by far the number one fantasy running back.

NEW SSW

LaDanian Tomlinson is by far the number one fantasy quarterback.

PREVIOUS SSW

Brady Quinn will be the starter in Cleveland by the end of the season, ready or not.

NEW SSW

Brady Quinn might petition the league to head back to Notre Dame.

PREVIOUS SSW

Powerful Bengals were unlucky to miss playoffs last season.

NEW SSW

The Bengals are unbelievably lucky to be 1-0.

PREVIOUS SSW

Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm will bring professionalism and an old school pound it out style to the desert.

NEW SSW

Denny Green couldn't coach worth a damn either, but at least he offered comic relief.

PREVIOUS SSW

The 49ers could make the playoffs in a poor conference.

NEW SSW

Patrick Willis can't do it all himself. At least Mike Nolan looks good in that suit.

PREVIOUS SSW

The Patriots combine the best elements of the 1962 Packers, the 1975 Steelers and the 1989 49ers, all in one supposedly humble, team-oriented mass.

NEW SSW

Bob Griese to Nick Buoniconti: "Uh-oh. Our annual celebratory champagne toast/mutual jerk-off session might not happen this year. Don't worry — we can always say that we didn't have to steal signs to go unbeaten."