-The ESPY Awards went down last night. LeBron topped Kobe, Phelps topped everyone, and Samuel L. Jackson collected another easy paycheck.

-Yao Ming becomes sole owner of the Shanghai Sharks. Houston collectively craps its pants over the prospect of him making post-playing career plans.

-The world's longest golf course, stretching 850 miles across the Australian Outback, will open in October. John Daly has already promised to reach the green in two.

-Because no one told the feds that we're all kind of over this whole steroids thing, they subpoena the owner of Roger Clemens's gym.

-Islanders ink first overall pick John Tavares to a 3-year contract. To bad by the time the Nassau Coliseum lease expires in 2015, he'll have skipped town in 2012.

-Dana White says Shaq wants to fight Brock Lesnar. That would never happen. It's not like MMA is some kind of freak show or anything.

-Amazingly SFW video of the world's strongest vagina in action. It's like a Bond villain come to life.

Las Vegas golf-course developer, Ken Jowdy, is accused of taking more than $25 million from investors to build a resort in Mexico, only instead of actually building anything, they guy just spent the money on parties for him and his friends. Oh, and his friends are Joe Morgan, Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson and Pete Rose.

The losers in this scenario included many ex-Rangers, Islanders and Devils including Bryan Berard, Michael Peca, Mattias Norstrom, Chris Simon, Steve Rucchin, and Rem Murray, and current Cup carrier Sergei Gonchar. The winners? The friends who got six-figure no-show construction jobs and anyone who likes to stick stuff in Roger Clemens' ass. According to the lawsuit, Jowdy gave Brian McNamee a job as a personal trainer and put "a Clemens gal pal named Adrian Moore, described as a 'regular party attendee who was close to Clemens,' on his payroll 'as a personal favor'" to the Rocket. (That's New York Post-speak for "they were doing it.")

Other winners included the "porn stars, escorts, strippers [and] party girls" who were flown for the lavish "bacchanalian revelry" that Jowdy used to woo his baseball party pals. The hockey goons weren't invited.

From one angle it makes sense: If you want to throw crazy sex parties to impress your famous "friends," you can't be stealing from those friends. So you have to target a different group of gullible millionaires to finance your orgies with the first group. On the other hand, if you're going to steal money from rich athletes, why would you go after NHL players? You don't see jewel thieves breaking into trailer parks, do you?

Plus, why would anyone want to impress Joe Morgan? (For the record, Joe says: "It's unethical to use my name when I never went to any of those parties, nor was I involved in any other activities." (His name came up in the lawsuit, but so noted.)

According to the filings, Jowdy lavished attention on the baseball players "under the guise that these individuals would eventually purchase real estate" in the planned resorts, called Diamante Del Mar and Diamante Cabo San Lucas. But, the ex-major leaguers never expressed any interest, according to the suit.

Specifically, the suit states, "Clemens and even his wife were vocal and adamant that they would never purchase" the property.

"Nevertheless, Jowdy continued to provide - and these individuals all continued to accept - gratuitous, extravagant private air travel, five-star hotel accommodations, luxury home rentals, unlimited food and beverage expenses, golf tournaments and lavish parties several times a year over a three-year period," the suits allege.

Baseball players: "We may not like you, but we'll take your free stuff."

NHLers: Our Cash Was Blown on MLB Porn Party [TMZ]
GOLF RESORT DEVELOPER BILKED NHL STARS: SUIT [New York Post]

Okay, now, the editor of the site, Jason Bargas, has assured me that the email he received from "Roger Clemens" was legit (email address @rogerclemensonline.com, which is his Houston foundation URL) and he had called someone over there to verify its legitimacy. They did. So this is what the alleged Clemens email reach-out stated:

The fans and the folks in Houston have always been great to Deb, the kids and me and we're grateful for the support.

I know a lot of baseball fans read the Houstonist and that they have asked questions about the false allegations against me. I welcome the chance to answer the questions of your readers.

And the first red flag that this is not the "real" Roger Clemens is the obvious lack of spelling mistakes in the e-mail. (Here's visual evidence of Roger's McNamee e-mail conversation in all of its un-[Sic'd] goodness, for those who forget.) But, hey, mending fences can motivate a man to use spell-check. The second one is the choice of "Houstonist" as his next line of defense. Yes, first "Mike & Mike," then the Houstonist. This is the second stop on the Roger Clemens image makeover tour. Gene Grabowski is a genius, man.

Granted, this post could be given a strike-through line update five minutes after it goes up but I'll take my chances for now. If not? We'll have more of Roger Clemens' delusional rantings to dissect. Congratulations to Houstonist for the get — for now.

Roger Clemens Wants Your Questions, Houston [Houstonist]

Predictably this was a PR move orchestrated by Team Clemens (which, thankfully, Greenberg and Golic didn't pretend it wasn't) done to defuse any of the renewed interest in Clemens' case thanks to today's release of "American Icon." If this wasn't obvious during Clemens' interview, the 20 minute warm-up act with Gene Grabowski, The Rocket's new well-paid "crisis communications expert," sealed it. Grabowski is not only an expert at damage-controlling celebrities, but has also done wonders for many inanimate objects, such as spinach, pet food, and toys. Greenberg and Golic asked Grabowski, given all the evidence against Clemens, how he knows he's telling the truth?

"I looked him in the eye," the Crisis Communications Expert said.

Brilliant. Clemens probably paid six figures for that. But, hey, this man saved the spinach industry so he knows what he's doing.

Here are some of the highlights from the Clemens interview:

• On McNamee: He "never injected me with HGH or steroids." Why? "Common sense — "my family has a history of heart conditions." Clemens notes that both his brother and stepdad had heart attacks and it would be "suicidal" for him to take any of these drugs. He also finds these allegations "dishearting" (sic).

• On Andy Pettitte admitting that he was injected by McNamee and that he had a conversation with Clemens about HGH: Clemens reiterates: "Andy misremembers."

• On Manny: Surprised, you know, because, as Roger's stated many, many times before MLB has great testing: "We have great testing." Oh, did you know Roger Clemens passed all of his tests? No? You didn't. WELL HE DID. Move on please. Want to know how committed to the testing he was? He asked testing people come to his house and they went to his personal gym so he could show his son how "evasive"(sic) it was. "I think the program works!"

• On A-Rod: "I hope none of the things he took do damage to his body and ruin his career."

• "How do you defend against the negative?": Skew positive! "Steroids are bad for these kids — but again, I can't defend the negative, when you've got somebody out there who's just crawling up your back to make a buck..." Mentions his charities, golfing, foundations, charities, fundraising, his foundations, charities, banquets, and all of the good he's done for people since 1991, and "I know how tough it is raising money for charity these days..." and HOW COULD I TAKE STEROIDS WHEN I'M DOING ALL OF THIS GODDAMN CHARITY WORK? (I'm paraphrasing there, by the way.)

• On "American Icon": "Garbage," "not true," "skimmed it."

• He was friendly, though: Clemens kept referring to Greenberg as "Greeny" and Mike Golic as (ha) "Goli."

Full Clemens Interview Transcript Here [Sports Radio Interviews]

ESPN's already been accused of blackballing Selena Roberts (which the WWL dismisses as a bit of an overstatement) during her Whitlock-torpedoed book tour, but unless Roger Clemens has changed his approach to how he's handling his own steroid/lady-loving rumors publicly, he's probably not going to be commending Selena on her anonymous-sourcing when he talks to Golic and Greenberg. Unfortunately, this interview won't be done in-studio, so ESPN 2 early morning viewers (oh, and radio listeners) won't be able to see how The Rocket's new highlights are holding up.

ESPN Bans Selena Roberts From Appearing On Network [Page Six]

That's just one of the modest nuggets from "American Icon," the new Clemens book by New York Daily News editor Teri Thompson and reporters Nathaniel Vinton and Michael O'Keeffe. The book claims to "brush back" the former Yankees hurler with details on his steroid use and other shenanigans. Excerpts of the book are available today at SI.com.

When the investigators questioned Jose Canseco in April 2008, they pressed the scandal-stained slugger about a passage in his 2005 book "Juiced" that claimed Clemens never cheated on his wife. The feds, according to a source, told Canseco they were aware of apartments in more than a dozen major league cities that Clemens kept to rendezvous with girlfriends.

And of course we can never get enough news about Clemens' ass.

Even to a former New York City cop, the question was jarring. "Can you help me?" Roger Clemens asked. "I can't inject in my booty."

This is how Brian McNamee, then the Toronto Blue Jays' new strength and conditioning coordinator, remembers it all starting. He glanced up at Clemens, whose broad frame blocked most of McNamee's view of the rest of the SkyDome clubhouse. A few other players milled about the room, preparing for the upcoming series against the Baltimore Orioles. Toronto designated hitter and occasional outfielder Jose Canseco was picking through his stall nearby, his back to Clemens and McNamee.

The trainer, who had come to baseball from the NYPD, was slumped in his own stall. Why, he wondered, was arguably the greatest pitcher of his era asking for help in sticking a hypodermic needle in his ass?

One thing I didn't know: McNamee, a former cop, was one of the officers dispatched to the scene of a 1991 accident in which Conor Clapton, the 4 1/2-year-old son of Eric Clapton, was killed after falling out the window of a fourth-story Manhattan apartment.

So, let the guessing game begin. In which AL cities did Clemens not have a pad? I've got dibs on Oakland.

Ex-Yankees Ace Roger Clemens Brushed Back In Book 'American Icon' By News' Sports I-Team [New York Daily News]
Fall From Grace [SI.com]

Now, don't mince words, Cito. Tell me what you think about Roger?

"He's a complete asshole."

Now, you're just saying that to me, though, right, Cito? You wouldn't say that to his face. Not loudly, at least!

"And I'll say that loud, right in his face. It was all about him. Ain't about nobody else but him."

You're fiery! But did he at least support his teammates?

When he's pitching, everyone's in the dugout pulling for him, but when he's not pitching he's not in the dugout.

But DID HE support his teammates?

I didn't feel like he supported his teammates as much as he wanted support.

But did he ever confront you?

"He wouldn't (confront me)."

Hmm. Strange. How about an ass whupin'? Did you ever consider giving him an ass whupin'?

"One of us would have had an ass whuppin' that day..."

Yeah, but Roger's a big dude. And you're — well, you're Cito! Cuddly Cito!

"It might have been me..."

Heavens to Betsy!

"...but he still would have known I was there."

Fucking right, Cito!

Cito Gaston Has Sharp Words For Roger Clemens [The Star.com]

"Salon Francaise" is located in Houston, Texas but the exact time of when this photo was taken is unknown. If it's recent, well, Roger seems to have hair that grows like squirrel-tail grass since his head is shaved in most of the court photos of him. But maybe Roger's looking to go back to those by-gone days of lore when he was still the Greatest Living Pitcher Of Our Generation and not the man accused of steroids/infidelity/dushbaggery that we've come to know in the last year. Hey, if a new set of highlights is all it takes to get Roger's head right these days, then God bless him. I've known plenty of women who do something drastic with their hair when they've been through breakups too. It's cathartic.

******

Thank you for your continued support of Jeff Pearlman. And Deadspin. Let's not forget that old broad.

The following excerpt talks about Roger's former sister-in-law, Kathy Huston Clemens, who was killed in a drug-related shooting incident at her home in 1999. Even though they were only bonded by Clemens' drug-addicted brother Randy, her former husband, Kathy was one of the most influential people in Roger's life growing up.

This is when the happiness is supposed to begin.

Roger Clemens was, at long last, a world champion. On October 29, 1999, he rode in the Yankees' confetti­ coated victory parade down Manhattan's Canyon of Heroes. He looked up at the tall buildings that lined Broadway and marveled at his good fortune. He was fitted for a three­ carat diamond ring, featuring a blue stone shaped in the interlocking NY symbol in the middle and a 14­ carat white gold NY covered with round diamonds on top. He was lauded for his "gutsy" performance in game four of the World Series, when he had finally pitched like the Rocket of old.

Clemens reported to spring training in the best shape of his career, aided by Brian McNamee, whom the Yankees had hired as an assistant strength and conditioning coach. He pitched relatively well to open the season, helping the Yankees jump out to a 22­12 start. He had his trainer, he had his fastball and he had his ring.

And, then, silence.

The phone call came on May 18, 2000. The words hit Roger Clemens hard, like one of his very own 98­ mph fastballs to the head.

"Roger, Kathy has been killed."

"Kathy" was Katherine Huston Clemens, Roger's former sister­-in­-law and the woman largely responsible for turning the baseball player from an awkward, uncomfortable boy into a confident, successful man. When Roger had moved from Ohio to Houston as a teenager to live with Kathy and Randy, his older brother and childhood hero, she had been the one who made certain he did his homework; who talked to him about everything, from girls to college to careers; who saw him as more than a vehicle to fortune and fame.

"She loved Roger," says Carolyn Gray, Kathy's sister. "And Roger really loved her."

The once­ upon­ a­ time Vandalia­ Butler High School prom king and queen had been divorced for more than a decade, yet Kathy was still tormented by Randy and his alleged drug abuse. He often asked her for money and had been in and out of rehab oh, how many times? Two? Three? "It hurt Kathy so bad," says Gray. "You could have no idea." A popular third­ grade teacher at Holmsley Elementary School in Houston, "Mrs. Clemens" was known for making up stories about the cursive letters and arriving at school with rollers in her hair.

In short, Kathy wanted nothing to do with the world her ex­husband had subjected the family to. Yes, she was once married to a junkie. But why should that ruin her life? Why did it have to haunt her all these years later? Most troubling was what Randy's addiction had done to their two children, Marcus and Jessica. In particular, it was her 19­ year­ old son who warranted the concern. Coated in tattoos and piercings, Marcus- like Randy- turned to dealing and using drugs in his late teenage years. Once, Marcus had come to visit his uncle in Houston, only to be stopped at the front door. "Son, you can come in," Roger said. "But first you've gotta take all those metal things out of your body. I don't want my kids seeing you looking like that."

On the night of May 17, Marcus Clemens, now 19, was sick in bed with the flu, and his mother had stayed home at their apartment to care for him. There was a knock on the back door. Kathy looked through the peephole and, not recognizing the men standing there, returned upstairs to her boy. Marcus asked his mother for some Sprite, and as Kathy walked back down to the kitchen, she heard another knock. This time, for a reason that has never been determined, she opened the door.

Five men, ranging in age from 18 to 26, barged into the apartment, demanding to see Marcus. They had come to steal what they were certain would be a large amount of money and Marcus' stash of Ecstacy. Her son still upstairs, Kathy ordered the intruders to leave.

Justin Gore, a 20­ year­ old wayward drug dealer, whipped out a gun and pointed it at the woman who had once been named Houston's Teacher of the Year. Kathy let out a terrified scream.

Then Gore squeezed the trigger.

"I jumped up as fast as I could and went to the top of the stairs," Marcus later said. "There were two more shots, and I saw her fall." As the intruders ran off, Marcus dashed downstairs, dragging his mother's body into the living room. She had been hit in the head, neck and chest and wasn't breathing. Blood streamed across the floor. The ambulance came within minutes but nothing could be done. Kathy died en route by Life Flight to Memorial Hermann Hospital.

She was 46 years old.

At approximately the same time Kathy's life was ending, Roger Cle­mens' night was thriving. As she was staring down a gunman, he was facing the Chicago White Sox at Yankee Stadium. As she was being pronounced dead, he was being pronounced alive, having won his fourth game with a beautiful seven­ inning, two­ run, nine­ strikeout masterpiece. As Marcus was describing to Houston police what had transpired in his apartment, Clemens was describing to the Times, the News and the Post what had transpired on his home field. "When we're right as a team swinging the bats, there are not too many holes in our lineup," he said. "That was evident tonight."

In hindsight, it all seemed so . . . vapid. Bernie Williams hit two home runs for New York, Chuck Knoblauch tripled, Jorge Posada stole a base- blah, blah, blah. Who the hell cared? Certainly not Clemens, who was shocked, dismayed, heartbroken by the news.

And furious.

Not merely at the killers, whom police described as transients who "float from one rave party to another rave party." No, he was furious with his older brother, Randy. When Roger learned the details of the case- the drugs, the violence- he blamed Randy. His brother was the one who had made drugs a part of the family's life. Had Randy died in a drug deal gone bad, well, Roger would have been devastated but not surprised. His life had been heading in that direction for many years.

But this was Kathy.

The next day, Roger spoke with Carolyn Gray and her husband, John, who lived in Vandalia, Ohio, near his boyhood home. "Listen, you don't worry about paying for anything involving the funeral or burial," Roger told them. "If it hadn't been for Kathy, I have no idea where I'd be today."

"No," said Carolyn, "she was my sister, and I should . . ."

"Yes," Roger said firmly. "I'm going to handle this. She was your sister, but she was like a mother to me. You have so much to worry about. Let me worry about this."

"As far as I'm concerned," says Carolyn, "Roger can do no wrong in my eyes. I'll always remember the way he was at that time. Always."

On the morning of the viewing, Kathy's family was asked to come to Holmsley Elementary School. Upon arriving, Carolyn began to sob. The sidewalks were coated with farewell messages written in chalk. A banner stretched across a hallway read WE LOVE YOU MRS. CLEMENS and was signed by every student. Carolyn was handed an envelope filled with letters from Kathy's third­ graders.

Dear Mrs. Clemens:
I'm very, very sad that you have a new address. But one good thing is I know where it is- heaven. I'm very, very sorry that your wonderful and beautiful life had to end in pain. I guess God couldn't wait to get you in his arms. Maybe he wants to start a school, up in heaven for the younger angels, and he knew you would be the best. Though I can never see you in this lifetime, I can always have you in my hart [sic] and mind. There are also great memories I wouldn't change a bit. I miss you very much.

Love,
Leslie
PS: See you in heaven.

The funeral was held in the chapel at Waltrip Funeral Directors in Houston. An overflowing crowd of family members, friends and coworkers bid farewell to a woman described by her sister as "loving, adventurous, daring, full of life."

Outside the building, a handful of police officers lined the front steps. They were there at the behest of Roger, with one primary directive: If you see Randy Clemens, do not allow him inside.

Somehow, New York's rapacious press corps missed the news about Kathy Huston Clemens. Not a single article appeared in the local newspapers. Clemens kept the information mostly to himself, confiding only in manager Joe Torre and a handful of teammates when he left for the funeral.

As far as Roger was concerned, the relationship with his brother was irreparably harmed. Though it was Kathy who had passed, Randy Clemens- the man largely responsible for creating the Rocket- was dead to him, too.

Former Yankee trainer Steve Donahue said part of Roger's pregame warm-up was taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest possible temperature, enough to where he'd "come out looking like a lobster." Then there's this little trick, which gave The Rocket the additional competitive edge he needed before Game 2 of the 2000 World Series against the Mets, courtesy of Fan IQ:

Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

That's just terrifying. But it should in no way ruin Roger Clemens chances for Hall of Fame induction.

Joe Torre's Book Includes Story About Roger Clemens And His Testicle Rubdown [Fan IQ]

Radomski, who testified in Washington D.C. last week for the Clemens perjury case, said there's no doubt in his mind that The Rocket is delusional. He tells Jeremy Schapp in an upcoming "Outside The Lines" interview that he personally shipped HGH to Clemens home in Houston and his only regret is that his friend, Clemens' former trainer Brian McNamee, is mixed up in this messy melodrama. And he's furious that Clemens is treating McNamee like this opportunistic hanger-on:

"If Brian was such a bad person why did Andy Pettitte back him? Why did Chuck Knoblauch back him? You let a guy you don't trust and you don't respect stay in your house, and be around your family. And be around your kids.[H]e admits his wife got a shot [of human growth hormone] in the bedroom. Think about this, he let someone go in a bedroom with his wife and inject his wife. And you didn't trust the guy? If he didn't trust the guy, he would have knocked the guy out. That would have been it. But he let him do it. What does that tell you?"

That Roger Clemens doesn't mind others looking at his wife's ass, considering he's had so many other affairs throughout their marriage? It's only fair.

I believe Brian McNamee, Not Roger Clemens [ESPN]

This year there were plenty of ladies who abused their side-project privilege and became more well known then the athletes who patronize their company would probably like. This is the harsh reality of the internet age: if you want to keep a lady on the side, you better make sure she doesn't have a Facebook account or have some career ambitions beyond the bedroom.

• Jose Reyes probably wishes he never met Bentley Mathews.

• Alfonso Soriano also made a friend

• Alicia Marie was accused of being one of A-Rod's many muscular ladies, but quickly set the record straight.

• Roger Clemens just couldn't escape all the women willing to talk about him

• Antonio Pierce's wife was not happy with this video

• Matt Leinart beer-bonged his way to infamy , then became a Jeopardy! question.

• The ladies discussed this phenomenon

What does it take for a man to be considered a douchebag? It's a unique combination of swagger, conceitedness, and an overwhelming odor of self-importance that just knocks people over. Oh, and maybe some hair products. But even the douchiest of douchebags cannot compete with the almighty "Dushbag." And 2008 had some real prizes.

Roger Clemens set the gold standard:

• Lies on "60 Minutes"

• Takes on Congress

• Emails with Brian McNamee, calls writer "Dushbag"

• Wife was also enhanced

• Had some dalliances

• Apologizes — kind of

Brett Favre was a pretty close second:

• Itched

• Scratched

• Competed

• Cockblocked

• Dick

• Headed to Tampa!

• Yay Jets!

• Shared offensive secrets

• Blew it

Sean Avery got sloppy:

• Interned

• Charmed

• Distraction technique

• Sloppy seconded

• Released

Phil Savage emails angry:

• Go root for Buffalo

• Apologizes

Will Clark: • Cackles

McCready was taken to a Nashville-area hospital for treatment of wounds to her wrists, according to the spokeswoman and two people close to the troubled singer. Police and paramedics were called to a Nashville home where McCready was staying and immediately transported her to a hospital.

“We responded to a '10-63,' that's a suicidal person call. Mindy McCready was at the house,” said Kris Mumford, a Nashville Police Department spokeswoman. “Apparently she called the mother of her roommate and said some things that caused the mother concern. She called authorities. We responded with paramedics, who took her to a local hospital.”

The troubles just never seem to end in recent times for the country singer, who reportedly met Clemens when she was 16, the two beginning an affair a couple of years later. She has been in and out of rehab several times in recent years, and just finished serving a 30-day jail sentence for a probation violation stemming from an assault conviction in 2007. This wouldn't be the first time she's attempted suicide, sadly.

Singer Mindy McCready, Who Had Affair With Former Yankee Roger Clemens, Apparently Attempted Suicide [New York Daily News]

The first round goes a lot faster under Daulerio's stewardship than it did under mine; seems like we went into April last year. Anyway, we're ready to start knocking these puppies out. Two old faves battling it out this happy Friday.

First, a look at the bracket to this point. (Thanks, Happy Pants Jim Cooke.)

Voting will remain open through next week ... so let's go. It's No. 2 seed Roger Clemens vs. No. 7 seed Isiah Thomas. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 2 Roger Clemens
Held a press conference, kind of.
Feuded with Andy Pettitte, kind of.
Told Congress about bleeding through his pants.
Gaped as old flames reared their heads, ugly and otherwise.
Got boners.
Sold a car to Bret Michaels.

No. 7 Isiah Thomas
Won 2007 SHOTY.
Presided over the greatest possession in NBA history.
Got fired, somehow.
Earned $18 million for staying away from his team.
Entered Deadspin Hall of Fame.
Tried to kill himself with sleeping pills.
Blamed it on his daughter.

That's the ticket, folks. Vote as if the world will end tomorrow via a hailstorm of rodents.