KKOB-AM has the story, and appropriately enough, it's rendered in SHIRT-RIPPINGLY SUPER-INTENSE WATER-SKI-READY ALL-CAPS:

UNM'S HEAD FOOTBALL COACH IS BEING ACCUSED OF BATTERY BY ANOTHER COACH. THE TEAM'S WIDE RECEIVER COACH JONATHAN "JB" GERALD TOLD ALBUQUERQUE POLICE COACH MICHAEL LOCKSLEY HIT HIM DURING A "HEATED" COACHES MEETING ON SEPTEMBER 20TH. 770 KKOB OBTAINED A COPY OF THE POLICE REPORT. GERALD TOLD OFFICERS THAT AFTER LOCKSLEY GRABBED HIM BY THE COLLAR SEVERAL COACHES TRIED TO INTERVENE, BUT ACCORDING TO GERALD, LOCKSLEY PUNCHED HIM IN THE MOUTH — CUTTING HIS LIP. UNM'S VP OF ATHLETICS PAUL KREBS SAYS HE'S STILL SORTING IT OUT. GERALD HAS NOT RETURNED TO THE TEAM. EARLIER IN THE YEAR, A FORMER OFFICE ASSISTANT SUED LOCKSLEY AND UNM FOR FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT. THAT CASE IS STILL PENDING.

That last bit refers to a former administrative assistant's accusations that Locksley fired her because she wasn't "a younger gal" who might lure recruits. This at least served to momentarily distract Lobos fans from the fact that the prize of Locksley's first recruiting class had left school for family reasons. And now he's allegedly punching his coaches in the mouth. Awesome. He's the perfect Ron Zook disciple, right down to that 0-4 record. He pisses intensity and incompetence.

COACH-PUNCHING, MOUNTAIN WEST STYLE [With Leather]
LOBO COACH ACCUSED OF BATTERY [770 KKOB]
UNM Head Football Coach Accused of Battery [What's The Word with Peter St. Cyr]

But Zook isn't the only sports figure to haunt a trading floor recently. On Tuesday, BTIG in New York invited Eli Manning, Johnny Damon, Reggie Jackson and a group of other luminaries to witness the firm donate equity and derivative trading commission (yeah, that) to a stable of nonprofits. Charity!

The kicker of Zook's tweet ("Unbelievable intensity," if you managed to get lost in a 123-character message) speaks to one commonality between stock exchanges and locker rooms, and it's not the only shared trait. Go back and read Liar's Poker, Michael Lewis' seminal account of working as a bond salesman in the 1980s, and you will meet the studliest salesman on the floor, the ones who raked in millions of dollars and earned the obvious envy of everyone in the Salomon Brothers training program.

Their nickname on the floor, according to Lewis, isn't so different from what these guys are called in the clubhouse: Big Swinging Dicks.

Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to tips@deadspin.com . Subject : Morning crap
Unfortunately, all the gnashing, in-your-face, R.Lee Ermey-ness of this Zook moment wasn't enough to motivate his Illini squad on Saturday. The alma mater of the former floppy-haired editor dropped the game 23-17 to Western Michigan. Yes, Western Michigan.

With this ugly loss Zooook's squad may have cost themselves a bowl berth this season. Let's be happy for Western Michigan head coach Bill Cubit, who was elated with his team's inspiring underdog victory.

"I'm going to say it's the best (win) since I've been around at Western," the Broncos head coach said.

Western Michigan, 'Better team' in frustrating loss [Daily Illini]
Illinois Photo Gallery [Chicago Tribune]

ANYWAY. I do check out the Illinois page on BigTenNetwork.com, which occasionally gives me updates on the team and the show. Which is why I was able to catch this:

Fast-forward to the 9:20 mark, and you will see ... Ron Zook water skiing. Go watch it. See his imposing body armor. Watch his air wave slowly through the breeze. Stand in awe of the guns, man.

He is Zook. ZOOOOOOOOOK. The man truly does piss intensity.

Zook visited the USS John C. Stennis and, we presume, took over our nations' maritime defense force. We expect Zook to be named Secretary Of Intensity PIssing no matter who our next commander-in-chief might be.

Ron Zook On The USS John C. Stennis [FightingIllini.com]

The whole series is actually called Design For Chunks, and it exactly what we'd want to be looking at if we were feeling nauseous on a plane.

Clearly, we know what photo should really be on these bags:

The Motivator. Facing Indiana for the first time in Eric Gordon's career after the superfrosh spurned Illinois to play for the Hoosiers, the Illini pulled out all the stops. That included the return of ZOOOK!!! The man who pisses intensity paid a surprise visit to the Illinois locker room before the game, urging Bruce Weber's charges to bring the hammer down on Gordon and the Hoosiers. "I want you to go out there and play like animals!" Zook spat at the mesmerized players. "The first one of you who knocks down that Gordon kid gets free waterskiing lessons and a copy of the Rose Bowl video, edited to show us kicking USC's ass and doing unspeakable things to Traveler. Now get out there and bite their heads off!!!"

OK, this never happened. And neither did an Illini win. Illinois ran out to a 34-30 lead as Indiana struggled early with their shooting. But Gordon scored 11 of his 17 points in the second half, and the Hoosiers came back to claim a 62-58 win. The loss left the Illini 0-4 in the conference, and Will in full spring training countdown mode. (Ed. Note: GLAUS!)

"He put a rock in his sling and swung the sling around by its straps..." OK, Oregon's 71-66 win over No. 23 over Stanford wasn't exactly a huge upset given the Ducks' talent and track record. But 5'6" Tajuan Porter's big steal and four points in the final two minutes of the game overcame a combined 35 points, 14 rebounds and five blocks by Brook Lopez and his twin 7-foot brother Robin, creating some serious David vs. Goliath overtones. Tune in next week for another installment of Old Testament Hoops, when Jerry Tarkanian's reign at UNLV ends with him playing the role of Job.

David Padgett is walking through that door... Juan Palacios is walking through that door...Derrick Caracter is walking through that door: Louisville's improving health, including the return of its top three big men, has helped the Cardinals start to live up to expectations. Rick Pitino's squad rolled to an easy 64-49 win over Rutgers in Piscataway, as Padgett, Palacios and Caracter combined for 25 points in 58 minutes. Louisville gets a big test Thursday at home against Marquette, before returning to Jersey Saturday night for a Newark Pants Party showdown with Seton Hall at the Rock. I've got 10-to-1 odds on Daulerio shaving his mustache and dropping it in Pitino's pre-game coffee.

Predictions. I picked Niagara over Siena by 11 and Vanderbilt over Kentucky by 14. Siena took out Niagara 94-84 at Niagara, while Kentucky claimed a 79-73 double overtime win at Rupp Arena. In the case of the MAAC battle, Niagara may have the conference's best player (and the nation's leading scorer) in Charron Fisher. But Siena looks like the cream of the conference right now, getting balanced production from multiple sources—including 18 points each from Tay Fisher and Ronald Moore and 28 from Edwin Ubiles against Niagara.

Meanwhile, Kentucky's win was a case of a rebuilding team starting to come together. Freshman big man Patrick Patterson gave the Commodores match-up problems all day, springing for 23 points and 12 rebounds and outplaying Vandy's combination of Shan Foster and A.J. Ogilvy. When making my prediction, I noted that picking from the gut can often be a bad idea. But in retrospect, taking the Cats could've been a good percentage play: No major U.S. team sport shows a bigger home team advantage than college basketball. When asked about the crowd of 23,965 fans at Rupp, Ogilvy said: "I think we got taken out of our game a little bit at the start," Ogilvy said. "We just tried to recover, but never could."

No. 8 Georgetown 70, No. 18 Pittsburgh 60. DeJuan Blair is averaging a virtual double-double as a freshman, forming a potent combination up front with Sam Young and keeping the Panthers afloat while they cope with the losses of Mike Cook and Levance Fields. But the 6'7" Blair and 6'6" Young figure to have no answer for the Hoyas' deep front line of Patrick Ewing Jr., DaJuan Summers and 7'2" center Roy Hibbert. Not just around the rim either.

No. 3 Kansas 81, Oklahoma 68. I'm going to start picking more upsets soon, I swear. Just not here. Oklahoma's coming off a draining 84-82 home loss to Kansas State Saturday. Out of the frying pan, into the fire at Phog Allen Fieldhouse, where the undefeated Jayhawks are firing on all cylinders, including a healthy Brandon Rush looking most of the way back from knee surgery. Tune in to watch Kansas' cavalcade of stars, but also Oklahoma freshman Blake Griffin, who's got the talent to play well at the next level.

Record: 4-3
Results within five points: 1-6

The last time Illinois made the Rose Bowl, in 1984, they were destroyed by UCLA. (They should have made the Rose Bowl in 2002, actually, but they were using Pasadena to host the national title game that year. Instead, they were destroyed by LSU in the Sugar Bowl.) We will always remember that game. We remember that game, and that achievement, far more vividly than Jeff George's vivisection of Virginia in the 1990 Citrus Bowl. The Rose Bowl does mean something more, even if it's just, for the layperson, a prime-time beating of your team on national television.

There was a brief second, right before wide receiver Jacob Willis fumbled deep in USC's zone, that the Illini looked like they were going to make a game of it. After that play, it was over. But that was a moment of genuine excitement, in the Rose Bowl. When it got out of hand after that, it was easy to turn it off; that "Twilight Zone" marathon was still on.

The power of Zook, nevertheless, continues to compel us. So, for the last time until September ...

Tough Lesson, But A Necessary One [Decatur Herald And Review]
Why God Why? [Foul Balls]

Like, at all.

We're fully aware that Illinois doesn't particularly deserve to play in the Grandaddy, and that they're probably gonna get killed. No matter! We like to pretend that the bowls still have any segment of legitimacy and tradition, so the Big Ten vs. the Pac-10, that's what we get. Which means in a season where a slot in the Motor City Bowl would have made us happy ends up in Pasadena. Ron Zook truly pisses intensity.

By the way, we're not making the trip to Pasadena, but for the first time in recent memory, we might actually be up on New Year's Day by 5 p.m.

At this point, nearly every major bowl projection has Illinois in either the Capital One Bowl or the Outback Bowl — both New Years Day games — playing ... Florida! (There is one rather shocking exception.) That's right, the Zook Bowl is imminent. The game has no downside for Illini fans (taking on the defending champs — and presumed Heisman Trophy winner? — on January 1? Whoa!), but for Florida fans, a loss to Zook on New Years Day has to be the nightmare scenario. If we're a Gators fan, we use every bit of praying power we have to sneak us into a BCS game. That's a comparison none of them would like made.

That said, Florida would kill the Illini. We're not there yet. But hey: The Zook Water Skiing Photo!

College Bowl Predictions [CBS Sportsline]
Illini Roll [Decatur Herald & Review]

Fortunately, we were coming all the way from the Pacific Time Zone, so our JetBlue flight, coinciding perfectly with ESPN's coverage of Ohio State-Illinois, allowed us to watch the whole game while strapped into our seat, eating Terra Chips. Needless to say, it's difficult to witness your team pulling off its biggest win in decades in complete silence. You have no idea how hard it was not to scream, but we couldn't: We're pretty certain they would have thrown us off the plane. This is the wrong century to be yelling on airplanes.

As for the win itself, it reveals that Illinois is farther along than people (including us) have realized ... and Ohio State had zero business ever being a No. 1 team. But you knew this. We are just amazed that we have a frighteningly real chance at the Capital One Bowl against ... Florida! That should be awfully entertaining. We hope we can watch it in a place where we can make noise.

Illini Come Of Age Upsetting No. 1 [Decatur Herald & Review]

It's worth noting that the Illini lost because of poor quarterback play, but they really lost because of a disastrous muffed punt by returner/wide receiver Kyle Hudson late in the game which led to the winning touchdown. We sadly report that Hudson ... is from Mattoon. This is what happens when you have white punt returners.

Before the loss, the Illini extended coach Ron Zook's contract though the 2012 season. The money? Ron Zook doesn't care about your money.

"As long as I got my ski boat, I'm good to go," Zook said.

Don't you know it!

Ron Zook sweats intensity!

One-Dimensional Illini Can't End Curse [Decatur Herald And Review]
Zook's Future At Illinois Looks Bright [Chicago Tribune]

Actually, we're not gonna talk too much about it, considering everyone's assuming Illinois is going to beat Iowa this weekend, and as someone who has watched almost every Illinois football game over the last 10-plus years, let us say that it is a mistake to ever concede a defeat to Illinois.

Second, and lastly, we find it amazing that Fox Sports' current bowl projections have Illinois in the Rose Bowl ... playing USC! Can you imagine a scenario coming into the season where anyone could even imagine Illinois and USC playing in a bowl? Our brains reel; we don't understand anything about this college football season.

Next Saturday, we will be at Memorial Stadium for Michigan at Illinois. It's a night game and will be nationally televised. Heavens.

No, really: The Mid-American Conference, thanks to Temple's late addition to the conference, is having serious scheduling issues, to the point that Kent State is scheduled to play both Illinois and Vanderbilt on October 27 of this year. That's just more than seven months from now, and they need to figure this out soon, because the Illini only have so many games they'll be favored to win.

The Wizard Of Odds details all kinds of other scheduling problems the MAC is having, but nothing quite compares with a team having to play two games on the same day. Hey, it can't hurt them in the strength of schedule ratings.

Mid-American's Scheduling Disaster [The Wizard Of Odds]
Don't You Forget About Ron Zook [Deadspin]

"If they had a winning program and all of that, it would be a different deal," said John L. Smith, former Michigan State coach. "If they had the greatest facilities in the world, then maybe they could sell them. But what are they selling? Where there's smoke, there's probably fire."

A recruit who didn't pick Illinois had a theory as to why everyone's so upset by all the Illini recruiting success.

"People are scared of what they don't understand," defensive tackle Marvin Austin said. "And I don't think they understand why kids are going to Illinois."

Most of our friends don't understand it either, Marvin, and we didn't even get a scholarship. The key, of course, is Zook, who is Super Monster In Your Face Cool Guy Who Will Water Ski With His Manly Arms. We mean, look at that guy? Who wouldn't want to play for that guy? Really. Nothing nefarious going on. Nope.

Illinois Has Rivals Fuming About Its Recruiting Coup [New York Times]
Fortunately, It Was To A National Powerhouse Like Rutgers [Deadspin]
Ron Zook, Water Skiing [Deadspin]

The Florida Gators might have overcome a few years of questionable coaching decisions, rugby-style kicks, random substitutions and BALLS OUT INTENSITY to win a national championship ... but rest assured, Ron Zook shall return triumphant! The Zooker's improving! And comin' atcha!

"Florida defensive coordinator Charlie Strong planned to call a key source in about how to beat Ohio State, so I thought I'd beat him to it. I found Ron Zook on the recruiting trail Wednesday and asked him the same general questions Strong will, minus a few dozen X's and O's: How in the world did you come within seven points of the Buckeyes? How did you hold them to only 17 points?"

Ron Zook's noted intensity — that is to say, INTENSITY! — surely should help the Gators, particularly with the inventive new sideways wobbling off the back of a lineman punt play. ZOOK 'em!

OK, Our Money Is Definitely On Ohio State [Bored At Life]

After our Illini's shocking upset victory over Michigan State on Saturday, we felt like we had no choice but to post this picture of coach Ron Zook water skiing. Weeeeee!!!!!

Something about this photo — and we really can't quite put our finger on what it is — just cracks us up. Of course, this is pretty much true of every photo of Zook.

This Begs The Question: How Many Can They Win? [Mark Tupper's Blog]
Ron Zook Rocks It, Dude, Totally [Deadspin]