In July, Ryan Howard became the fastest to 200 home runs. That ball went out at Land Shark Stadium, where it was caught by 12-year-old Jennifer Valdivia. At the time, Phillies officials traded an autographed ball to the family in exchange for the historic one, as Howard wanted it for sentimental value.

I'm not sure if it's better described as indian giving or buyer's remorse, but the Valdivias decided they wanted it back. So they retained a lawyer, and filed a suit on Monday. Rather than go through that hassle, the Phils returned the ball.

You might be saying to yourself, "Self! How can they bring a lawsuit when they traded the ball away?" Well, according to the suit,

A Phillies team rep took her daughter aside without an adult guardian, plied her with candy, and got her to exchange the historic ball for a replacement.

Good job, Valdivia family. Simply by letting a stranger claiming to work for the team take your daughter god knows where, you earned a ball that's probably not worth the cost of bringing a lawsuit.

Ryan Howard might end up having the last laugh, however. I'd like to see the Valdivias prove the ball given to them is the real one.

Jennifer Valdivia Gets Ryan Howard HR Ball [Fort Worth Weekly]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Erin Andrews Is The Angel Of New Jersey

Seeing that photo of Erin on the gave me the idea to share the following story, along with attached photo...

Last Thursday, Ms. Andrews was working the Rutgers-Louisville game at Rutgers Stadium. I happen to work for a Rutgers media outlet and was to be at the game, so I was obviously going to be on Erin Andrews watch.

Ahead to the fourth quarter...Rutgers is completely teabagging Louisville, so I decided to hang out on the field until the end of the game. My two friends came down as well. I'm looking all around for Erin. We then realize that she's standing no more than ten feet away. For twenty minutes, we stand there, trying to figure out what to do. Someone has to have the balls to talk to her. I didn't. I'm far too gay, apparently. But, one of the other guys I was with said fuck this, I'm gonna do it. So he goes up to Erin, small talks her for a little bit (I'm such a big fan!) and asks for a photo. Now, it's still the fourth quarter, so she responds by saying "I can't right now, but I absolutely PROMISE I will do it after the game."

It's senior night at Rutgers. The best quarterback in the program's history (Mike Teel) just threw for 450 yards and seven touchdown passes during his final home game. After the game, Teel conducted the band playing the alma-mater with "the sword," which is carried by the "real" Scarlet Knight. Anyway, instead of walking to the other side of the field and basking in this absolutely glorious moment, we stand on the field, trying to figure out how to go about this Erin situation. She did her postgame interview with Teel, and then walked into the ESPN tent on the sideline. She's in there for at least twenty minutes. We wait. We stalk. We get nervous. SHE PROMISED. If Erin Andrews breaks her promise...well I don't know what I would have done. Probably cry.

But, alas, she comes out. She's all done up, looking great. I like to think it was for us. Don't ruin it for me. She kept her promise. Says something like "I appreciate you guys for waiting." She then asks for a camera and summons a cop to take the picture. After the photo is taken, she says "Thank you guys so much," smiles, thanks the cop, and walks away. I was amazed at how nice and sweet she was. I mean, yeah, she's a real person. Kind of. Actually, she's not a real person. Erin Andrews is an angel among us mere mortals.
Ryan Howard Loves The MANG! (Redux)



Ryan howard with a girl I know...not sure why she changed outfits but im positive that she did everything she could to fuck him. No idea if she was successful though.
Pantsless Panda Party!

So this just came across my inbox. It's a picture (though two years old) of a quartet of University of Alberta Pandas basketball players doing a little skinny dipping on a beach somewhere. Apparently it was pulled off someone's facebook. Anyways, the players from left to right are Meghan Knowles, Ashley Wigg, Kara Stevens (no longer with the team), and Alysia Rissling.

Kenard Lang Loves To Drop Towels Too

I realize that I can't top the Hugh Douglas interview, but I thought I'd drop you a line to let you know that when I briefly covered the NFL for my college newspaper, defensive end Kenard Lang (then with the Browns; also played with Washington and Denver) loved him some naked-time.

I actually submitted this story (and several others) to Will in 2005 when Deadspin was doing its "Athlete Run-Ins" series. The gist is that my buddy's girlfriend was the paper's editor, so I convinced her to issue us press passes and we got ourselves into the Browns' lockerroom in 2003. We had a fake dictaphone and everything. After visiting running backs and the offensive line (where we discussed their favorite orders at McDonald's and Taco Bell), we made our way over to the defensive line and joined a group of about six (real) reporters interviewing DT Orpheus Roye. When my turn came up to ask I said "Orpheus, I have you rated as the number two defensive tackle in my fantasy draft, behind only Marcus Stroud. What do you think about that?" The reporters all chuckled, but I don't think Orpheus got the joke. Fortunately the "interview" was disrupted by a very big, very wet, very hairy, very naked Kenard Lang. He just jumped right into the circle and started cracking jokes and asking questions of his own, sans towel. From what I gather, Lang doing naked interviews of teammates was a regular occurrence during his tenure with the Browns. Good times.

John Clayton Says He Wasn't Even Near The Building At The Time

Yesterday on NFL countdown around 12:10 PM EST, I think I heard someone pass gas loudly on air. I can't remember exactly what they were talking about, but Chris Berman was talking and I could have sworn that I heard someone pass gas on air. About 30-60 seconds afterwards, I saw Cris Carter make a funny face. Please investigate because I am driving myself crazy thinking that I heard this.

Somebody Get One Of These

Hey, I found this bizarre Craigslist posting for a block of cheese with a portrait of Andy Reid carved into it, thought you might be interested.

Are You There God? It's Me Crazy-Ass

Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorized personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way! Her close friend Serge G. P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION. H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and Germany, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

Don't underestimate the work done by Rollins here. He's providing the beat in that way somebody in sixth grade always would, by banging on a desk. His knuckles have to be sore by the end of the song but you can't even tell. That's heart.

Anyway, not that you care, but this is evidently associated with some stupid promotion that major league baseball was running.

Ryan Howard and J-Roll- "Take me out to the ballgame" (Remix) [The Fightins']

Today's story comes courtesy of Barry Petchesky, a young buck freelancer who gives us this wonderful little diddy about his first experience with the mesmerizing, intimidating largeness of Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.

They say players never forget their first major league game. The same goes for reporters because, believe it or not, we were fans before watching baseball became a job. It was 2005, and I was a senior at Temple University, interning at the sports section of the Philadelphia Metro, which you may recognize as the newspaper that closes so early it doesn't have time to run anything other than the AP story for night games. But it was the Sunday afternoon before the All-Star break, the Phillies beat reporter was out of town, and the editor decided it would be nice to send the intern to cover the game as a way to make up for the fact that they weren't paying me.

I pretty much shat myself with excitement. I didn't know the dress code for the press box, so I went with a long-sleeve button down, slacks and dress shoes. On a hundred-degree day. I wanted to be respectable, and I suppose it worked, since the Daily News reporter asked me if I was coming from a wedding. It was when I noticed that he was wearing jorts and a t-shirt with an ice cream stain that I first felt out of place.

It was a great game: extra innings, a win for the home team. But the real story was Ryan Howard's game-tying home run. Jim Thome had gone down with a season-ending injury the week before, and heir apparent Howard had stepped into the starting lineup with the overblown expectations of a hope-starved city on his shoulders. If you don't remember the hype from his rookie season, picture Jesus walking across the Schuylkill.

I had only one thought in my mind: I was so focused on being a professional reporter and not seeming star-struck, I got lost making my way from the press box to the locker room. When I finally made it the press was already surrounding Howard's locker, so I elbowed my way to the front. That's when I had an entirely new thought dominating my mind: oh, look, it's Ryan Howard's cock.

The locker room at Citizen's Bank Park is right off the showers, so most players were milling about in towels, or changing into street clothes. Not Howard. He was chatting with the press, smiling that man-child smile that makes him so endearing, and – oh yeah, waving his Louisville Slugger around like he was in the batting cage.

I'd like to tell you I kept a veneer of professionalism. I'd like to tell you I looked him in the eye and asked the hard-hitting questions. But I was channeling Boon from Animal House: "Is he bigger than me?"

I didn't have it that bad. I'm tall enough to be almost eye level with him, but the poor WIP reporter must've been about 5'2". If he had been a vampire, Howard could have impaled his heart with a quick pelvic thrust.

I don't want you to think I was being homophobic, or prude, or maybe a little turned on. This was more than casual nudity. This was flaunting. For every question, Howard would rotate his body to face the reporter, as if calling on them with his baby arm.

I stammered some stupid question about how he felt to hit his first big homer (note to aspiring journalists: "how does it feel?" is the laziest, least interesting question you can ask someone. So go ahead and ask it, you'll fit right in with the rest of the press). That's when he turned his weapon to bear on me. When you're looking down the barrel of something like that, you're damn straight there's going to be no follow-up question.

The press circle broke up, and, shaken, I went to do a sidebar on the players' All-Star break plans. I, being a goofy, unathletic-looking white guy, naturally sought out the two goofy, unathletic-looking white guys on the team, pitchers Billy Wagner (flying to Detroit for the game) and Jon Lieber (going fishing at home in Mobile).

I had noticed them watching Howard's interview with interest, so I decided to do my first real investigative journalism of the day.

"Is he allergic to towels or something?" I asked.

They cracked up laughing. "You noticed that?" Lieber asked. "You press guys really make this an uncomfortable environment for the team."

That hurt. There I was thinking I was going to be a sportswriter, and my first time in the Big Show I ruined it by not knowing how things were apparently done. If I was going to be thrown off my game by something so insubstantial as a giant black penis, how could I ever make it in this business?

That's when Wagner threw his arm around my shoulders.

"Sorry about that," he said. "He made a bet with Jimmy [Rollins] in Spring Training. Ryan said if he didn't hit 10 home runs by the All-Star break, he'd go naked for the media. Sorry you had to see that."

I've seen athlete dong since then. But you always remember your first.

Like several of the other ads Fogle does with athletes, he and Howard stand beside each other in front of a table laden with a couple of Subway subs and one of the competition's sandwiches. Howard looks like a natural, shooting his fingers at the camera as Fogle introduces him, then at one point feigning a swing as he says that all the meat in the sub "fills me up, so I can hit the long ball."

The ad wraps with Howard flipping the ball underhanded to Fogle, then sheepishly grinning and saying, "That was a terrible toss."

Ryan Howard deserves some endorsement love, and of course, I'd never begrudge a man a chance to make an easy buck. But it would be nice if he could star in a commercial that's a little more manly ... like Stayfree Ultra Thin Overnight Maxi Pads with Wings, for example.

Subway Diet Makes You Weak [The700Level]

Slugging Howard knows how to pitch, too [Philly.com]

In a National League MVP race that was debated repeatedly by anyone who could speak, the Phillies' Ryan Howard won the award today, beating St. Louis' Albert Pujols and the Mets' Carlos Beltran. Howard led the National League in homers and RBIs, and even though the Phillies didn't make the playoffs, they did win more games than the eventual World Champion Cardinals did.

So, last year, St. Louis had the MVP in Pujols and the Cy Young winner in Chris Carpenter, and they lost to the Astros in the NLCS. This year, both Carpenter and Pujols came up short, and they won the World Series. We think we speak for all Cardinals fans in gleefully making that trade.

We're wary of Howard wearing an Eagles jacket there, though; something bad is destined to happen.

Howard Wins NL MVP [Baseball Musings]

• 1. Star 54 Where Are You? We like AP's lead, so here it is: "The Florida Marlins followed up their no-hitter with a 17-hitter." Ha. The big story for us of course is Ryan Howard, who is closing in on the single-season non-steroid home run record — unless, of course, he's using steroids — slugging his 54th on Thursday in the Phillies' 14-8 win over the Long-Nosed Game Fish. The Phillies are 2 1/2 games behind San Diego for the wild card lead. Florida is 3 1/2 back.

• 2. Mmmmm, Cake ... It could be the new catch phrase of the millennium, or perhaps not. On the Tigers' once mighty, and now emaciated, lead in the AL Central, manager Jim Leyland said on Thursday: "I'll panic when my kid flunks math.'' Not exactly "Let them eat cake," but it could catch on. Justin Verlander got the win as Detroit topped Minnesota 7-2, upping their lead to five games over the second-place Twins.

• 3. Great Scott. We shall now mention the phrases "Scott Spiezio," "Jeff Weaver" and "Cardinals win" in the same sentence, perhaps a first in the recorded history of the human species.

• 4. Indian Summer. Cliff Lee went six innings to get the win, and Grady Sizemore and Victor Martinez each homered off of Mark Buehrle as Cleveland beat the White Sox 9-1.

• 5. Shake Your Booty. He sounds like the character's name in every movie role John Candy ever had, but in fact Chris Duffy plays for the Pirates ... and homered twice in Pittsburgh's 7-5 win over the Cubs.

• 1. Failure To Launch. In our opinion, nothing in baseball beats the Mighty MJD's minor league potato-throwing story from Sunday. While not as awesome, the majors has its own version of the airborn spud; the Philadelphia Phillies. It's getting dangerously close to the point where we can say "Phillies" and "playoffs" in the same sentence, as Chase Utley and — who else? — Ryan Howard both homered to lead the Sillies to a 3-2 win over Houston in 10 innings on Monday. Three things we love about this game: 1. Utley's home run came with two outs in the 10th to win it; 2. Howard hit his 53rd homer (that's four HRs in two days), meaning that he is utterly unconcious and could do anything, including lifting a school bus; 3. We now have someone named Charlton Jimerson to keep track of (he hit a pinch-hit homer in his first major league at-bat for the Astros). Oh, and Roger Clemens left with a strained right groin. The Phillies ended a 12-game losing streak to Houston that dated to May 18, 2003, which seems hard to believe, so we're disregarding that.

• 2. Doh! If Ramon Ortiz hadn't decided to have a career day on Monday — or, like, got lost on the way to work — the Cardinals would be celebrating a win right now. But Ortiz came within three outs of pitching the majors' first no-hitter this season, and also hit his first career homer in DC's 4-1 win over the Birds.

• 3. Bless Me Father, For I Have Dinged. Rookie Josh Barfield got his first career game-winning homer as the Padres beat the Rockies 7-5, maintaining a 1 1/2 game lead over the Phillies in the wild-card race.

• 4. The Sweet Whiff Of Success. The Yankees had struck out 10 times and trailed 5-1 going into the eighth, but then scored 10 runs in the eighth to beat — you guessed it immediately — the Royals, 12-5.

• 5. Those Surging, Rampaging Giants. Well, that's one way of protecting your NL home run record. Barry Bonds' game-tying homer in the eighth (No. 730) helped San Francisco to a 5-4 win over the Reds, as Ken Griffey Jr. injured himself trying to catch the ball, snagging his cleats in the center field padding and coming up limping.

In this picture, it's Robinson Cano cooling off eventual derby champ Ryan Howard, but it really was anyone within a towel's length. Don't believe us? Here's David Ortiz taking care of David Wright, some guy cooling off Ortiz and Cano doubling up on Howard. In lieu of all this apparent heat, it's kind of amazing Charlie Weis survived the evening.

As for the contest itself ... eh. As always, it was a droning series of home runs and Berman Bluster and athletes just hanging out, yo, only this time with the added bonus of Joe Morgan and John Kruk pretending, about 100 times, to be amazed that baseballs were coming toward the "Baseball Tonight" booth in center field. It's baseball excess, and we were reminded once again that, typically, our favorite day of the All-Star Break is Wednesday, the day they don't do anything at all.