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Sage Kotsenburg Isn't the Lochte We Want. He's the Lochte We Deserve.

The 70's had Mark Spitz, the 80's had Bruce Jenner and Carl Lewis, the 90's had Alberto Tomba, the 2000's had the Australian swim team and Apolo Ohno, and in 2012, the Olympic gods blessed us with Ryan Lochte. But pickings for the Sochi Games' Unofficial Sexy Male Olympian are decidedly more meh. In a post-Lochte era,… » 2/12/14 2:18pm 2/12/14 2:18pm

Here Are the Best Dumb Things Ryan Lochte Said on His Reality Show

Ryan Lochte is a douchebag with gills, George W. Bush without the evil and/or a golden lab turned into a human. His fame, his good looks, his 11 Olympic medals, his seeming good nature, his unending capacity for inanity and the singularity he achieves within his babbling all make him a perfect specimen for reality… » 4/22/13 10:15am 4/22/13 10:15am

Ryan Lochte Is Getting His Own Reality Show

We imagine—we have only the vaguest idea of how television works—that, after the Olympics, broadcasting companies considered hiring Ryan Lochte in some capacity. He was a big star! Everyone loved him! He even beat Michael Phelps that one time. But no one did hire him—aside from bit parts on 30 Rock and 90210 » 1/07/13 5:25pm 1/07/13 5:25pm

We Are Impressed With These Expressions By McKayla Maroney And Barack…

There are some things I would be as an Olympic medalist, you tell yourself. You'd chaperone your medal to kids in hospitals, and perform random feats of strength and speed for strangers who recognized you, smiling for flip-phone camera shots in terrible lighting. You'd make sure to have a funny Lochte anecdote that… » 11/17/12 12:18pm 11/17/12 12:18pm

Ryan Lochte Picked Auburn To Win LSU Vs. Texas A&M On College Gameday

Scintillating! Newly minted college football analyst Ryan Lochte made a cameo on College Gameday today, and provided insight into today's match-up between the Texas A&M Aggies and LSU Tigers as only he can: by mumbling an answer that was not among the two options he was given, and wearing a t-shirt that had his own… » 10/20/12 12:15pm 10/20/12 12:15pm

Thank You For Donating $141 Toward Ryan Lochte's Alleged Cock Shot. We…

Yesterday, we asked you an important question: How badly did you want to see Ryan Lochte's alleged cock? A photo had been offered to us. We had looked it over, and before launching negotiations with our source, we decided to gauge your interest in the photo first, via an Indiegogo pledge drive. Eleven of you… » 8/29/12 7:00pm 8/29/12 7:00pm

How Much Would You Pay To See A Photo Of Ryan Lochte's Alleged Penis?…

Deadspin is presently in negotiations with a person who is in possession of a photograph of a penis. The penis supposedly belongs to Olympic gold/silver/bronze swimming medalist Ryan Lochte. The photograph is a neck-down bathroom-mirror self-portrait, in which the tip of the penis almost but not quite reaches into the… » 8/28/12 2:46pm 8/28/12 2:46pm

Ryan Lochte Had A Tough Time Learning His Lines For His Cameo On 90210

Ryan Lochte, gold-medal-winning aquatic bro. You've heard of him. 90210, so-so CW reboot of iconic 90s teen soap Beverly Hills 90210. It's probably less likely that you've heard of it, especially given that its cast consists of Shenae Grimes and a bunch of afterthoughts. (Grimes ditched the vastly superior Canadian… » 8/16/12 6:50pm 8/16/12 6:50pm

Ryan Lochte Update: Ryan Lochte Is Hanging Out With Ludacris At The…

Here's a photo of Ryan Lochte watching Team USA square off against Argentina (where the referees seem to have placed their chips on "untimely player death" and Team USA is dominating) with famous American rapper/star of 2 Fast 2 Furious Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. The other guy is apparently also a swimmer. » 8/06/12 6:58pm 8/06/12 6:58pm

Call Him "Baby Shoes," ’Cuz Ryan Lochte Just Got Bronzed

First he gets outraced by a 16-year-old Chinese girl who's not even in the pool with him. Now here's Ryan Lochte, in the middle lane above, getting beaten to the wall in the 200-meter breast backstroke by teammate Tyler Clary (in an Olympic record 1:53.41) and Japan's Ryosuke Irie, both of whom passed him down the… » 8/02/12 3:20pm 8/02/12 3:20pm

Phelps And Lochte No Match For Mighty French, Settle For Silver in…

Welp, at least Ryan Lochte has some more silver hardware to add to his grill. The French came back to win the Men's 4x100m relay after the Americans had been leading throughout. France finished strong with a time of 3:9:93 and the U.S. foursome settled for second place with a time of 3:10:38. » 7/29/12 4:50pm 7/29/12 4:50pm