Friar's club: Miguel Joseph Serra was born in Mallorca in 1713, and a scant 16 years later, he fetched up with the Franciscans, whereupon he took the first name Junípero, which is how the world knows him today. He soon entered the priesthood, and it was as Father Junípero Serra that he sailed to the colonies of New Spain in 1749, where he converted a lot of Indians into Christians, founded a handful of missions and generally did enough of the Lord's work in the New World that many years later people began calling him the "Apostle of California."

He was also a prick. No one much liked Serra, it seemed, at least not until he croaked. The Spanish army resented his authority. The captain of the bark that brought him to the New World damn near knifed him. He was grim and exacting, a onetime comisario of the Inquisition. As president of nine missions in California, he oversaw what we'd now call the extraordinary rendition of thousands of Indians who were pressed into labor and tortured if they didn't die of malaria first. He didn't treat his own person much better. Serra was an enthusiastic exponent of religion-as-masochism. Thin, gimpy, asthmatic and scurvy-ridden, he nevertheless favored heavy shirts full of wires that pointed inward, used candles to burn the flesh on his chest and whipped himself until he bled. It is said that during one sermon, he lashed himself with chains so fiercely that a congregant felt moved to do likewise, killing himself in the process.

Father Junípero Serra died in 1784. He was beatified by Pope John Paul II two centuries later. In the 1950s, a professional baseball team that played its home games in the town where Serra founded California's first mission began using for a mascot something named the Swinging Friar. The team was called the Padres. The mascot was a "whimsical takeoff" on Serra, a man who wouldn't know whimsy if it walked up to him and lashed him with a chain:

So this was the Padres' mascot: The engineer of a massive American pogrom, as rendered by Hanna-Barbera. (At least he was scaring only children now, rather than large populations of indigenous people.) And the bitch of it is that it's all so appropriate. Serra is, in retrospect, the perfect symbol for a Southern California ballclub — and in particular for the Padres. The main reason he has a reputation as anything but some 18th century imperial Pol Pot is because a passel of civic boosters undertook a large-scale restoration of the Franciscans' image in the late 1800s and early 1900s, creating a myth of sweet, gentle, mission-era California that they could sell to prospective homeowners around the United States. It was nothing but real-estate promotion, as the historian Kevin Starr has argued; Serra was the mascot. In 1934, two years before the Padres were born as a PCL team, the Catholic Church agreed to look at Serra's candidacy for beatification. Some 70 years later, another group of Southern Californians would try to snow the public: The Padres, who, waving around the prospect of a downtown renaissance, persuaded taxpayers to cover fully two-thirds of the cost of building scenic Petco Park, a deal that may have played a role in Standard & Poor's decision to suspend San Diego's bond rating. Once again, Serra was the mascot.

The view from the stands (everything sic'd):

Because very few people in San Diego are actually from here and San Diego fans are apathetic at best, the stadium has very few real Padres fans in attendance. Instead it is populated with transplants rooting for their visiting team, clueless tourists looking for something do after visiting the Zoo or Sea World and irritating douchebags ready to get their sleaze on in the Gaslamp Quarter after the game (applies to both locals and visitors).

This leads to overhearing cringe-worthy exchanges like the following:

Clueless tourist #1: "how many home games versus away games do teams play?"
Clueless tourist #2: "I don't know, I think 1/3 of their games are at home and 2/3 are away"

Different clueless tourist #1: "How long has this stadium been here?"
Different clueless tourist #2: "I think they've been playing here for 7 or 8 years. They brought that in (referring to Western Metal building) to make it look older."

This was 2 years after the park opened. Apparently they were unaware that the declaration of the 100-year old building as a historical landmark complicated ballpark construction and the building's exterior was incorporated into the ballpark design.

You also get mind-numbingly idiotic encounters like this with a popped-collar douchebag wearing a brand new Yankees hat:

Douchebag, to his date, as Mike Cameron comes within inches of catching a deep drive at the wall in the right-center gap (a hit very few centerfielders would have even come anywhere near): "Yeah, that guy's not really very good"

Me, incredulous: "Are you kidding me?! He's one of the top 5 centerfielders in baseball! He's won gold gloves!" Douchebag, again to his date, with an air of condescension: "You gotta love how these hometown fans support their players" (Jeff H.)

Petco Park sucks because it's the least-friendly hitter's park in baseball. Basically, it's the anti-Coors Field, pre-humidor from the mid-ninety's when jackoffs like Dante Bichette turned into Babe Ruth. They built the park downtown near the ocean and apparently didn't account for the very thick marine air that keeps the ball from traveling. They then designed the dimensions to be reasonably fair down both lines and to straight-center, but decided to make both alleys over 400 feet. As far as I know, it's the only stadium where both left-center and right-center are deeper than the center field wall. For five years now, both Padre players and opponents have routinely crushed balls to either of these alleys, only to be standing on second base, pissed-off and dumb-founded as to why on earth they didn't just hit a home run. It makes for boring fucking baseball. (Mark M.)

Your average game experience goes something like this: Park 20 blocks away, walk past all the homeless people in the East Village area, get to the game, hang out with the other 10,000 people that bothered to show up. Drink the 4.4% Budweiser in a plastic bottle- for that touch of class, put up with all the Charger jerseys, Meth addicts from El Cajon, Gaslamp douchebags, the hat races on the jumbo tron, the dancing groundskeeper guy, the kid announcing the first batter in the 3rd inning, the gigantic mascot Friar walking around- that's right they don't even have the San Diego Chicken here anymore. Word is that Tony Gwynn thought the Chicken was taking away from him, so he had him run out of town. Oh, and never every get a seat in Right field, every seat is obstructed. And so are the seats on top of the Western Metal building. (Robert P.)

Without getting into a long-winded rant at the tragic futility of being a Padres fan, Petco Park sucks for two overwhelming reasons (besides being named after a pet shop, being sold to the public on a series of lies, and of course housing a joke of a team).

1. The stadium is so representative of San Diego's attempt to try and be something more than a military town with great weather. "Look at us, we've got a brick building just like in Baltimore!" "How crazy is it that we have a beach in right-center?! It's because we have beaches in San Diego, get it?" "It's located in the historic [read oldest building from the '40s and was inhabited by sailors and prostitutes until the pathetic SD club crowd tried taking over in the late 90s] Gaslamp District. The most embarrassing symptom of this disease is that the Padres have retired no fewer than 4 numbers (five if you include Jackie Robinson's), all displayed over center field. Included among these are Steve Garvey (I assume for one hit in the 1984 NLCS) despite having played the majority of his career with the rival Dodgers, and Randy Jones (for a whopping total of one Cy Young, two All Star appearances, one Comeback Player of the Year Award, and a line of barbecue sauce). Pathetic.

2. The stands aren't just filled with a majority of fans from any opposing team in the National League, but about one in ten of these community college dropouts are sporting their DBacks or Mets jersey despite the fact that their team isn't playing. These cockroach transplants will pretend to learn how to surf, call everyone "bro", and generally destroy everything that native San Diegans love about their city, but none of them can be bothered to embrace the home team. If you're reading this with and own an Ed Hardy shirt, a trucker cap that's never been worn straight on your head, and have a surfboard that's gathering dust in the corner of your piss-soaked Pacific Beach hovel, do the entire region a favor and apply for welfare back in New Jersey. (Chris R.)

We drove to San Diego a few Labor Days ago to watch the Dodgers play. We payed around $30-40 per ticket to sit in this outfield section called "The Beach". We were sorta intrigued until we actually got to this section. It was literally a playpen. There was a large sandbox in the front where children made sandcastles. Overlooking the sand is the most uncomfortable bleachers in the world, covered in sand nonetheless. At one point, a home run was hit right our way, and we were practically praying that it would hit one of the children in the head and knock them out cold. We were so bitter that we had to drive 3 hours to sit in a sandbox. Who would they even put this area where children can play in potential home run territory?? We wanted to get outta there two innings later but thought we should make it fun, so we walked up on the sand to the outfield fence, lit cigarettes, and hollered obscenities at Mike Cameron until security came over. And what'd they tell us? That we can't smoke? We can't yell obscenities? No. They told us we cannot be in the sand because it was exclusively for the children. Go fuck yourself San Diego. (Daniel S.)

My work has season tickets in a great section - just off the third base line. There is a guy who works this section who may be the biggest asshole in San Diego, which is saying something. He carefully looks at every ticket when you leave and go back to your seat. If you are young or not white he spends at least a minute "checking your ticket." To say he is power-mad is an understatement. At one game recently between the Mets and Padres, he threatened to throw out a kid for walking down to "his" section to have a photo taken. This was after the kid asked another usher whether it was ok. There were less than 10000 people in the stands and this guy spends most of his time yelling at kids.

The guy has a stupid mustache and wears a gay hat, too. (Xan B.)

This park caused one of the greatest disappointments of my life.

While attending a bachelor party weekend Cubbies - Padres game several years ago, my group was in the left-field pavillion ALLLLL the way up, in the sports bar area. Waiting in an interminable line to get out on the deck so I could actually, I don't know, WATCH THE GAME, I needed to use the restroom.

So, I headed to the head, only to find an equally ridiculous line. I really had to go, so I dropped down a level to the top level of suites, pulled the casual walk-by while not showing my ticket move, and slipped into the totally un-busy suite-level john to take care of business.

Having crashed security, I figured I'd see the view from the suites. When I found a big suite full of people who didn't seem to know each other, I ate some of their wings, grabbed a beer, and perched up on a stool behind the 2/3 full rows of seats.

Within minutes, Sammy Sosa crushes a towering homerun that curves inside the foul pole, and lands 6 inches from my foot, spinning like a dervish. I clamor off of the stool, wrap my hands around the crazily spinning ball (seeing the blue writing on the ball, and feeling the raised seams), and try to grab it. But it is spinning too much, I'm a few drinks in, and some asshole who was actually invited to the suite and had any right to be there reaches back from the 2nd to last row and nabs the homer. I jump up and down cursing my own incompetence and then get back to my beer.

Sucks, right? But wait, it gets worse. Some guy from the Cubs shows up asking who caught the ball, and can he trade a basket of signed Cubs/Sosa gear, including jersey, bat, other signed balls and whatnot, because Mr. Sosa would really like to have that ball - AS IT IS THE ONE WITH WHICH HE PASSED ERNIE FUCKING BANKS ON THE ALL TIME HOME RUNS LIST!!!!!!!! Easily a 5-figure baseball, right?

Sucks, right? But wait, it gets worse/better.

Later that night, as we are lingering around the hotel waiting for the bachelor party "in-room entertainment" to arrive, we're watching Sportscenter. I had told my buddies about my near miss with the home run ball. They kind of didn't believe me. But then Sportscenter counts down plays of the day, highlights Sosa's record donger, and shows the clip, which CLEARLY features me, in the same red tshirt I'm still wearing, jumping up and down and cursing myself.

So, lost homerun ball. Won good story. Got my buddy's bachelor party on ESPN.

That is why PETCO Park sucks. (Todd B.)

Photo via Matt Pasant's Flickr account.

Next up: The Atlanta Braves' Turner Field. Got any horrible experiences to share? Send them to craggs@deadspin.com.

A San Diego without Tony Gwynn and Trevor Hoffman is fairly unthinkable — you may as well remove the zoo and the homeless population — but there it is above in black and white. Or color, actually. Here's the text,.

Although Hoffman and the Padres' front office did not exactly leave on the best of terms, the Hall of Fame-bound relief pitcher saw no reason to take it out on San Diegans, with whom he's had a love-love relationship since boarding the ship in 1994. 902 games later he's a Milwaukee Brewer, and that's going to take some getting used to. That 902 games, by the way, is a major league record for games pitched with one team. All in all the ad was a fine gesture ... does anyone know how difficult it is to get a bulldog to sit still?

But before you go getting all sentimental, Hoffman had this to say to ESPN:

"I appreciated the forum to say my piece, but it's time to not talk about it anymore," Hoffman says. "I know where I stand, but nobody wants to keep hearing me whine about that crap. You know what I mean? The Padres have gone in a different direction."

Hoffman, 41, signed a one-year, $6 million deal with the Brewers, after turning down nearly as much with the Dodgers (why does no one seem to want to play there? Is it because Alyssa Milano is now engaged?). He's 46 saves short of 600.

Hoffman Says 'See Ya' In Full Page Ad [NBC San Diego]
Hoffman Looking Ahead, Not Back [ESPN]

It's the story you've heard so often before: Talented shortstop is chosen No. 1 in the draft; never rises above Single-A level; is released after getting drunk at a high school lacrosse match, assaulting several players and yelling "Fuck East County!" as he speeds off in his Mercedes.

Even Ryan Leaf is calling that unwise.

From the San Diego Union Tribune:

A witness, who requested his name not be used because of the ongoing police investigation, said Bush was drunk, threw a golf club into the dirt, picked up and threw a freshman lacrosse player and hit another one. Bush also yelled "I'm Matt (expletive) Bush," and "(expletive) East County," before driving over a curb in his Mercedes when leaving the Granite Hills High campus, according to the witness.

Bush couldn't be reached for comment. The Padres have 10 days to arrange a trade for him before he goes on release waivers.

In case you're not familiar, Bush was a hot shortstop prospect out of San Diego's Mission High when he was drafted by the Padres in 2004. Things haven't exactly worked out. From the Washington Post:

To sum up his Padres career: It included three off-field altercations (including one that occurred just days after he was drafted), one failed position switch (he was drafted as a shortstop, but was switched to pitcher) and zero major league service time (he has yet to play above Class A).

At the time of the draft, the Padres were thought to prefer shortstop Stephen Drew and pitcher Jered Weaver but were worried about the high signing bonuses they were seeking (both were represented by Scott Boras), and ultimately went the cheaper route by selecting Bush, who also happened to be a local San Diego kid.

Bush has been called by some the worst draft pick in the history of baseball; with one writer, the Post's Dave Sheinin, contending that he may be the worst pick in the history of American sports, period. That's a bold claim, considering the existence of Steve Chilcott and Kwame Brown. But Sheinin makes a compelling case. Pitchers and catchers report one week from today, and it will be interesting to see if Bush hooks on somewhere to try and turn this thing around (put down that phone, Brian Sabean).

I'm actually in San Diego as I write this, but I don't expect to see Bush collecting shopping carts at Von's. He did get a $3.1 million signing bonus after all. The San Diego Padres: Doing their part to stimulate the nation's economy since 1969.

The Worst Draft Pick In History [Washington Post]
Padres Cut Ties With Matt Bush [San Diego Union Tribune]

Peavy isn't the only pitcher who prefers the NL, which exempts the designated hitter. Greg Maddux, a friend and mentor of Peavy's, often has quipped that he stayed in the NL for his entire career because he's “not stupid.”

Meanwhile, Peavy has decided to toy with the affections of vulnerable Astros fans as he waits for this thing to play out. He told the Houston Chronicle, while on a hunting trip with Roy Oswalt , and while apparently using Roy Oswalt's cell phone (OMG!) , that he "certainly" would waive his no-trade clause to come to Houston.

That brings to mind two obvious questions: what does a Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt hunting trip involve? And do they wear Padres unis?

Update: Don't start planning the World Series parade (for 2009, not 2008) yet, 'Stros fans. Apparently, the Cards are also very much in the mix.

Organization feeling out trade offers for Padres staff ace Peavy [San Diego Union-Tribune]

Peavy says he'd waive no-trade clause to be an Astro [Houston Chronicle]

“We're not best of friends at all. We don’t really have a lot of contact with each other, you know, it’s become a nice rivalry," Cutler said. "We’re both younger guys and both on pretty good teams in the same division and get to see each other twice. I’m just not that big of a fan of the guy.” Cutler continued, “I don’t like how he carries himself. I don’t like some of the stuff he does on the field.”

Here's some video.

This comes about a week after Cutler compared himself to John Elway in an interview with the Sporting News, saying that he had a stronger arm than Elway's.

“I have a stronger arm than John, hands down. I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre’s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.”

Well yeah, maybe now. But Elway is 48. Is it my imagination, or are quarterbacks mouthing off more than ever lately? I prefered it when they just went out and got drunk six nights a week, then showed up on Sunday and played.

Jay Cutler: I Have 'A Stronger Arm' Than Elway [The Sporting News]
Jay Cutler Calls Out Philip Rivers [Bronco Talk]

So can anyone provide names here? Otherwise how will we mock them in the future?

San Diego: Bad baseball team, but top-notch Aussie Rules football squad.

UPDATE: Oh God, it gets worse.

More Sanctioned Hazing [The Slanch Report]

* * *

Okay, so nobody saw that. But the fly buzzing around this hotel room sure did enjoy the puns and observations.

Bottom 9th

2 1

10:55 — And ... three pitch strikeout. That didn't take too long. You know how a soccer team will win 2-1 and they'll say the winning team dominated, even though they only won by a single goal? This is kind of how this game felt. Philadelphia was always in control.

10:53 — A two-out walk by someone named Brian Myrow, and Sean Kazmar is pinch running. I learned two new words today.

10:52 — AH, DAMMIT. Miller slips with a "slide piece."

10:50 — Joe Morgan has a little consecutive streak of saying "slider." Redemption. Strike three on an unchecked swing. I like how the side-view camera, they claim, is the view the first base umpire has. If that's the case, how come the camera isn't on the umpire, or the umpire would obstruct the camera's view? Two out.

10:49 — Woof. Strike three without swinging. That's the least fun kind of strike three!

10:47 — There you are, Brad Lidge. You are in a Sri Lankan immigrant boat. You have zero wiggle room. Enjoy!

Top 9th

2 1

10:44 — Eric Bruntlett pinches the hit for Cole Hamels. His at bat is effective as Hamels batting, as the fielders choice ends the inning, giving Brad Lidge just the one widdle run to work with in the bottom half of the inning.

10:41 — Joe Morgan pines for Little League. If he wants that, he could just watch any of the Tigers games from here on out.

10:38 — Falkenborg, which I believe is some kind of German android, continues to hurl to the Philbins.

2 1

10:34 — And another fly ball to center, which does zero damage. Hamels is through eight.

10:32 — The second out comes courtesy of Kevin Kouzmanoff. Gesundheit.

Hamels is still in there. A great night so far, even if — given the competition — these numbers will technically go under his PCL stats.

Top 8th

10:25 — There's another game Monday night on ESPN — the Brewers and Astros. That sounds 15 percent better than this one. I wonder if the ESPN telecast will not air for the first three hours, then at some arbitrary point in the future, all the pictures and sounds will finally simultaneously air, thereby blowing the minds of everyone watching.

10:22 — Lefty-cine Wilfredo walks Utley but opposite-of-walks Ryan Howard. Going by the book on the left-on-left violence matchups, manager Bud Black yanks him in lieu of Brian Falkenborg.

Ledezma stands in. He is not crafty. Do not mark that.

Bottom 7th

2 1

10:18 — Ah, a double play. That'll kill the rally.

10:15 — Jody Gerut still plays baseball and nobody told me? When does Bill Selby start getting pinch hit opportunities too?

10:13 — Joe Morgan loves how the statue of Tony Gwynn was an exact replica of Tony Gwynn's batting stance. That was quite clever of the sculptor not to just start molding clay by memory. Or by not using a Nigel Tufnel napkin-sketched rendition.

10:12 — You can put a fistful of chips on the Tony Gwynn space by now. If they spill onto other squares, all the better.

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

You've probably seen this before, which means you can brace for the sudden impact of nausea:

Top 7th

2 1

10:08 — Werth-less! Haha! GET IT!? He strikes out looking.

10:07 — Wilfredo Ledezma is warming up in the bullpen, which is something I highly recommend ordering if you ever go to Olive Garden.

10:05 — He quickly corrected himself, but Jon Miller called catcher Luke Carlin "Larkin." And yet it's still more poignant than Joe Morgan's "you're in a situation where you have to score some runs." Well, this is the middle of a baseball game, so I would agree.

10:02 — That's all for Baek. Quite a nice evening for him, actually, going six innings and allowing two. The SaBasementricians call that a quality start. In comes Get Smart's Mike Adams.

I don't know what it is about cell phone commercials that triples my age and raises my belt to navel level. How do I hate something so much when I actually have no quarrels with the one I own?

Bottom 6th

2 1

9:58 — Actually that's all they'll get and like it.

9:56 — With dudes on first and second, Chase Headley (Minus World Utley) singles over Rollins glove, and there's a run for the Parental Guardians.

9:54 — Joe Morgan doesn't know who to root for in the Cal-Stanford game, since he has family ties to both. I gotta say, I don't think he'd know which one to pick even if he had zero emotional ties in the game.

9:52 — Jon Miller slightly bashes Stanford, where Joe's daughter is going.

9:50 — I have to say, this game hasn't been bad to date. Looks like it'll get over by 11, allowing me to watch the replay of Saget's roast. (Spoiler: I hear Jeffrey Ross is going to tell us who he wouldn't fuck using someone else's dick.)

Top 6th

2 0

9:48 — Joe Morgan stops staying "slide piece," and the inning ends.

9:43:30 — STOP SAYING "SLIDE PIECE" OVER THERE.

9:43 — Burrell doubles the lead. By himself! What a feat.

9:40 — Ryan Howard has the most home runs, RBIs, and strikeouts since 2006 than anyone else. I like how strikeouts are counted as bad things, but weak groundballs and pop flies are hardly mentioned on the back of a baseball card.

Bottom 5th

9:38 — Glad that inning's over. T'was a silly one.

9:34 — Luke Carlin is up to bat. I didn't have "Jon Miller says 'Luke Feel The Force' " on my bingo sheet. I probably should have.

9:32 — They gave me the one room in the hotel where the TV will, after an hour of untouched viewing, will "blink" every five seconds, and if I don't change the volume or channel, will turn off on its own. The reason, legend has it, is this TV is possessed by the ghosts of unborn fetuses.

So, a practical question. How come Cha Seung Baek is pitching effectively?

Top 5th

1 0

9:29 — Utley doesn't touch the changeup at all. Then again, it touched the ground, and there's no 5-millisecond rule in San Diego. You don't know where that dirt has been.

9:26 — Baek's wild pitch, or "crazy piece," enables Werth to scoot up into scoring position. (Oh, Werth was on first, by the way. I'm not really worrying about the specifics here.)

9:23 — Gaaaaah. Fuckin' "slide piece." I don't know what the hell that is. MARK IT DOWN WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. Joe Morgan says that's the official term. It's actually not. He now has Jon Miller speaking it. Or Jon Miller is speaking in tongues. I don't know which, but you will have blood plasma to pay for this, Morgan.

9:23 — A quick promo on tomorrow's Little League games. One of them is "Guam vs. Mexico." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Guam not a foreign country or territory?

9:21 — Cole Hamels gets out with little pain, proving he would probably make a poor AL pitcher.

9:19 — There's Only One October™. The other thing you thought was October is actually March.

Bottom 4th

1 0

9:18 — Now Edgar Gonzalez bats. Oh, my God, could he drive in his brother? (Answer: newp.)

9:16 — Adrian Gonzalez gets hit on his body. That's one free base.

9:15 — Kevin Kouzmanoff hits a deep fly to left-center, where the fence extends ever far. Just another warning track out.

9:13 — While ESPN sits down with Hamels on how he developed his changeup, let's get down to the real scouting report:

Name: Cole Hamels
Born: December 27, 1983
Throws: Left
Bats: Left
What Two Wrongs Make: Right
WHIP: 1.07
HANDCUFFS: N/A (wife not into that)
Gets Batters Out When: Curveball dips down below knees
Doesn't Get Batters Out When: Curveball dips down below left field scoreboard

Top 4th

1 0

9:11 — They're going to keep saying that Edgar Gonzalez and Alex Gonzalez are brothers, every time they throw from second to first, aren't they? Although maybe it's good they do that, because otherwise people are just going to assume that the baseball world is frought with Gonzalezeses.

9:09 — Melky Cabrera and Richie Sexson were demoted and released, respectively, for the Yankees. That's teetering ever close to the "are they done or not" square. One more outburst like that, and it's so covered with a red dot.

9:08 — I looked it up. The active leader is Matt Stairs. I retract the previous statement.

9:05 — Pat Burrell has the second most career home runs of any active player not to make the All-Star game. They say that's preposterous. You know what's more preposterous? The guy with the first most home runs of any career player not to make the All-Star game.

Bottom 3rd

1 0

9:03 — American League pitchers are also great at futilely legging out Brian Giles' inning-ending groundouts. They just don't get the chance.

9:01 — A bigger turn-on than pitchers hitting? Pitchers trying to steal. Baek wasn't being held, and the jump was restaurant quality.

8:58 — Joe Morgan is pretty sure all AL pitchers are good hitters. A backhanded compliment at the American League, telling them to get rid of the DH. (Hey, the Reds didn't need it.)

8:58 — Baek fends off a pitch the other way between Howard and the first baseman for a hit. Commotion! Helping his own cause!

8:56 — Ah, what a time for the hotel wi-fi to force me to renew my 24-hour voucher and restart my laptop. Maybe it's a sign.

8:55 — Maurice Jones-Drew loves his Madden games. If I were paid to do a commercial for it, I would too.

Top 3rd

8:52 — Ryan Howard strikes out to finish off that inning. How many times have we said that?

8:50 — Right field is what Joe Morgan says Tony Perez called "big man territory." Anecdotal enough? Sure. Mark it.

8:47 — Brian Giles can't get to that foul ball short of the foul pole, and as a result barrels into the padded door. Proving he wasn't raised in a barn, Giles kindly tries to close the door.

8:43 — So, they're still on the "This Is Our Country" TV spots, aren't they? When do they get Christina Aguilera to lip-synch to it?

Bottom 2nd

1 0

8:42 — Inning over. They got bored with it, probably.

8:40 — There's a 90-year-old man in Baltimore who watches SNB every week, but Jon Miller points out that because he's getting older, he doesn't always stay up for the entire game. Morgan replied with something about the East Coast/West Coast. I really hope he wasn't implying that because this game is played on the West Coast, he can stay up for it.

8:39 — The one thing I will trust Analyst Joe Morgan on is how to turn a double play. Not in 2008, though.

8:38 — Chase Headley and Chase Utley. Which one's the evil twin? Headley flies out to left.

8:35 — OK, commercials for "back to school" cell phones just irritates the problem further. I am a big-time advocate for corporal punishment on those who can't silence their cell phones during classes.

1 0

8:33 — See, this is why you listen to the scouting reports. Quickly Baek finishes his 2nd inning of work.

8:31 — With one quick out, Let's take a look at the scouting report on the Padres' hurler:

Name: Cha Seung Baek
Born: May 29, 1980, Pusan, South Korea
Throws: Right
Bats: Right
Scratches: Left
Years in MLB: 3
Memorable years in MLB: 0
Pitches: Fastball, curveball, change-up, slider
Snitches: When he was 10, told his teacher that the kid behind him was an international arms dealer
How To Approach Baek: He doesn't have a strong out pitch and doesn't always go deep in a game, so be patient
How To Approach Baek If You're Jon Miller: As an over-enunciating Hispanic announcer trying to over-enunciate a Korean name

Bottom 1st

1 0

8:28 — Wait ... what happened? That was it? Did Hamels throw three baseballs, all of them strikes? Because I thought you could only do that in Baseball Simulator 1.000.

8:27 — Working quick, Hamels already has two out.

Top 1st

1 0

8:23 — Shane Victorino, he grounds out. Just the one run for now, thankyouverymuch.

8:21 — After walking Ryan Howard, Baek gives Pat Burrell the gift of first base, which might be the gift that keeps on giving this inning. Another tree visits the mound to speak with Baek.

8:19 — A ray of sunlight peeks through the clouds onto Baek and his uniform. He's been spotted.

I'd have loved to have seen the Phillies come out wearing bright orange vests.

8:16 — Joe Morgan appears visibly distracted. Probably didn't finish his Bejeweled game in time.

8:13 — Jayson Werth sacks the fly and Rollins tags up. Nine runs to Saget.

8:12 — Jimmy Rollins is already at third base. Slow down, tiger.

8:09 — Interesting move by the Padres. They're wearing these:

Apparently they have decided to try and blend in with the field, in hopes the Phillies think they're actually playing in a slightly decimated forest, will give up, and San Diego will win by forfeit.

8:05 — Something about this Yellow Pages commercial bugs me. So the girl wants to remove the tramp stamp with her ex-boyfriend's name. How did she get a new fiancé with that tattoo there the entire time? Maybe she just kept it missionary style while living in sin. Or maybe in the future men aren't allowed to object to their girlfriends' ink.

8:00 — Wow. "Tony Gwynn" in the first sentence of the telecast. Jon Miller has seen the bingo card and is coming out swingin' tonight.

Pregame Babble

It's probably too late to take the cameras and crew down to Texas for the Rays-Rangers game, isn't it?

Because exactly one group of people cares about this one: Phillies fans. The Padres faithful are probably too busy trying to rig their fantasy draft order so they can nab LaDainian Tomlinson. Then there's me. I haven't done a Jon Miller-Joe Morgan Joint yet, and there's not much time left in the year.

Now, this one has the potential to get ugly. Cole Hamels has pitched well — the run support just hasn't been there for him. The Padres' starter, Cha Seung Baek, has an ERA on the wrong side of five. If Howard-Utley-Burrell-whoever-else-they-have wake up (much like my college roommate did, hungover and next to Cha Seung Baek), this one might turn into a 12-2 rout or something like that. So at least there's something to look forward to. If this game gets into a double-digit laugher, I might start live blogging the Bob Saget roast.

And if it goes 15, I have the noose tied up and ready to go. Now for the bingo-age:

By the way, DUAN is the official sanctuary of off-topic discussions. If you want to talk there, go right ahead. Or chat here. It basically comes down to who you respect more: Zerkle or myself.

At least for April, May, June, and July. Which given the Padres start to the season was probably a blessing in disguise. Now John Moores is fighting to regain custody of the box. (Yeah, I know.) But his wife doesn't want to give up the box. (Ditto.) And the attorneys are up in arms trying to equitably distribute access to the box.

Effective July 28, John Moores "unilaterally excluded (Becky Moores) from utilizing the owner's box," according to a filing by Becky Moores' attorney, Sandra Morris. As a result, Becky Moores sought relief from the court July 30 for allocation of the box. Judge Lisa Foster denied that request because it was "not an emergency." A hearing on the matter was set for October.

October? I just hope they get this resolved before the playo...never mind. Bigger question, who gets the mandles?

Petco box is bone of contention [Sign on San Diego]

Sign on San Diego has the pertinent details:

Greene said the response was more in reaction to a difficult season than his throbbing shin. He is batting .213 with 10 home runs and 15 doubles.
"I don't know how to put into words the frustration level, how difficult this year has been," Greene said. "For me to do that, it's certainly not commonplace."

Well, at least Padres fans who are in the midst of a 42-67 last place season can take solace that Greene isn't racist against storage chests.

Greene's left hand is fractured [Sign on San Diego]
Padres Khalil Greene taken out by storage chest [SportsbyBrooks]

There have been some spirited attempts to keep the game alive, but it looks like this is it. It has been a while since anything particularly noteworthy has happened during the game — the games this decade have been mostly sideshows — but the best game might have been in 1961, when the birth of Brooks Robinson's son was announced over the loudspeakers while he was on the field, and a light-hitting outfielder named Whitey Herzog hit a home run on a rooftop across the street.

We haven't been to Cooperstown in more than 20 years, but we kind of wish we were there today.

Save The Fame Game [Official Site]

What you missed while making the jump into academia...

• MLB: The Padres become the first team in Major League history to win four consecutive games by a 2-1 score. How delightfully random.
  
• Boxing: "The Ghost" with the most, Kelly Pavlik, scores a third-round knockout over Gary Lockett. Better wash off that ectoplasm, Gary! HEY-O!
  
• New Coaches: Suns to hire Terry Porter, Maple Leafs to hire Ron Wilson. Should've gone with the monkey god.

"I still use that line today. I just changed it up, but I tell the kids you can't play with a tight booty. There's nothing you can do in the game with a tight booty. You can't run, you can't pitch, you can't hit, you can't do anything."

The Padres struck out 14 times on Thursday, (after whiffing 15 times the night before), creating a breeze in a place that doesn't need the extra wind. The San Diego Union Tribune points out that that's 29 strikeouts in a span of 54 outs and 20 hours. Chicago's Ryan Dempster set a career high with 12 strikeouts Thursday (his previous high this season was seven). On Wednesday, Ted Lilly struck out 11 over six innings.

Over two games, 41 percent of the Padres who stepped into the batter's box walked away without putting the ball in play. Not that they were working the count. Only three Padres drew walks over the course of 18 innings.

The Padres, who have been shut out four times this season, are last in the league in runs scored (140, 3.3 per game) and hitting (.233). Tadahito Iguchi struck out five times in the two games. Greg Maddux gave up 11 hits over 4 1/3 innings, leaving in the fifth following Derrek Lee's two-run double. The Wrigley Field crowd gave the former Cub a standing ovation. Thanks to Gaslamp Ball for pointing out that Gwynn quote.

• Brandon Webb Is Probably A Robot. Or a Replicant, whatever they call things that look like us but are three times as powerful. Webb went 9-for-9 for the season, becoming the majors' first nine-game winner in Arizona's 8-5 triumph over Colorado. Of course it helps to have offensive support, as Stephen Drew had two doubles, a triple and a single. No one has won his first 10 starts since San Diego's Andy Hawkins in 1985, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Webb has won 11 straight starts dating to this past September. The Diamondbacks are 8-1 against the Rockies this season.

• Introducing Your Last-Place New York Yankees. I really didn't mean to dwell on the negative today, but I've praised the Rays two or three times already this season, and the Yankees would have slipped silently into last place in the AL East had I not pointed it out. Scott Kazmir's first start since agreeing to a $28.5 million contract extension was a winner, and Akinori Iwamura and Shawn Riggans each had homers as first-place Tampa Bay won 5-2. It may be time for George "Little Enos" Steinbrenner to give another pep talk.

• Gimme A Big Wet One. Top of the ninth, tie game. Catcher gives a target low and outside to the Astros' Lance Berkman. Giants' reliever Vinnie Chulk throws it inside at the belt. What happened? You freakin' guess!

• The Dance, She Is Over. The Indians had to try really hard to break their scoreless innings streak, but they did it. Aaron Laffey gave up an unearned run on his own throwing error which ended the team's streak of scoreless innings by starters at 44 1/3. Howevah, Cleveland won 4-2.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Play Of The Day. Wizard Cat is outraged at those fans who claim that Willie Harris' diving catch in the bottom of the ninth may have been a trapped ball. The catch, which robbed the Mets' Ryan Church of extra bases and probably saved the game for the Nationals, was clearly legal, and anyone who says otherwise will deal with a furious cat who is not above using your penis as a scratching post. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Six wands. And now it's time for ...

Wizard Cat's mailbag! (Wizard Cat is a cat, and therefore cannot reply to email. He also cannot read. Email will not be read to him).

• You shouldn't make fun of cats. — Cindy Lehr, Miramar, Calif.

• Are Wizard Cat's abilities limited to rating individual defensive plays, or can it also provide general life advice? Because I've got this upstairs neighbour who is constantly vacuuming, and I'm at my wit's end. — Gourmet Spud

• For a nominal fee, Wizard Cat will sneak into your neighbor's home, claw-up their furniture and shit in their shoes. — Weed Against Speed

• Come back to mommy. I have new poems, and several new outfits for you to try. — Dee Mirich

• Wizard Cat: What do you think of the Jim Edmonds deal? — zebra66

Contact Wizard Cat at WizardCat@live.com

This writer was not fortunate enough to have been at Marathon as Pheidippides ran his final 26, nor with the GIs at Bataan, nor in New Orleans for the infamous 77-round fight between Burke and Bowen (I was supposed to be, but got drunk on the Crescent City Limited and woke up in Nacogdoches, Texas wearing only my underwear — but that's a tale for a different time, dear reader). However, yours truly can safely claim to be an expert on endlessness, for I have witnessed 22 innings of base ball at its most benumbing. 22 innings of ineptitude, farce and lack of imagination one hoped could no longer be summoned by today's "professionals."

And it was all so you, the prized reader, could concentrate your limited energy and resources on matters of more import; goldfish swallowing, perhaps, or flagpole sitting. I suffered so you wouldn't have to.

The pertinent details are thus — the Mountain Men from Denver, last season's Senior Circuit Surprise Squad, triumphed over the Holy Nine from San Diego, 2-1. The winning tally advanced the required 360 feet in the tourist half of the 22nd frame, and the determinative pitched ball came six hours and sixteen minutes after festivities were commenced at Roscoe and Mittens Memorial Park. But any interest had been vacuumed from the affair eons before, in an affront to this beautiful Mission City and its proud German heritage. It was the type of contest that confirms the worst approbations from those who call for the banning of the sport on grounds that impressionable youth are being sidetracked from their classical educations by a game that dulls the senses and narcotizes the synapses.

To those cynics I say, Fie! Remember with me the Homeric duel contested only last autumn, in the shadow of the Continental Divide. The eliminator game decided by the width of a mountain goat's whisker that propelled the Coloradans to the Fall Classic. The mere fact that these exact same squadrons of base ballers could engage in two such disparate examples of Our Game is testament to the utter perfection and uniqueness of it. Would you prefer the paper doll sameness of baskets, or the grunting metronomy that is gridiron? Methinks not.

This contest's victorious rally came, fittingly, as the result of maladroitness. Batsman Willy The Weakling Tavares should have been retired on his tenth appearance of the evening, but a toss by Kahlil "BMOC" Greene was too tall for even Pterodactyl Tony Clark to reel in. Tavares is a Django of the Banjoes, and like most of his ilk he can run like a lynx. He pilfered second, and went to third on another throw that appeared the result of a miscalculated sextant, this one by Ignorance Tool-wearer Josh Bard. The anchor leg in Willy's 4 x 90 foot relay came at a trot, after a scorched shot to left by Troy "Cooperstown" Tulowitzski. The Left Coast Fathers were unable to match this outburst of scoring, having managed only a single tally over 21 prior innings, and when Robert "Kip" Wells blew an adjudged backwards K past fellow slabber Glendon "Lungs" Rusch, the few hardy souls left nibbling kibble in the grandstand were rendered disappointed as well as exhausted.

It was a struggle out of Shaw, whose "Arms and the Man" was penned after a similar battle in Piccadilly Circus some time ago. The Moccasin of the Mound, Mr. Peavy, was untouched for an octet of innings, and his replacements kept a clean sheet for five more. That Baker's Dozen proved a lucky number across the field, as Centennial State tossers spackled opposing batsmen for an equivalent number of run-free slates. In the fourteenth (early days in this Joycian game), the Rocks finally got rolling, scoring an actual run, courtesy of a free pass with no room at the Inn to Hawppy Brad Hawpe. Naturally, with a chance to rivet the game shut, the boys from Pikes Peak surrendered meekly — a foul pop from the ash of Clint "Venison" Barmes traveled thirty feet backwards, and was caught to give the side the gold watch.

The Celibate Crew, their Blessed Backs against the wall, fought back to prolong the agony. They too filled the sacks with clergy, and Stratford-Upon-Josh Bard lined a safety to balance the abacus at one. But alas, the game could not be concluded at an hour fit for Gentlemen. Tall Tony Clark was forced out at the pentagon, and Colt Morton harmlessly rolled one to third, meaning the fight would continue, like the Battle of the Marne, on and on and on.

The game's two squatters, The Bard and Yorman Victor Torrealba, deserve an exclamatory note, having caught all score plus two innings, a Shackletonian feat of endurance not seen since Double Duty Radcliffe pitched the first game of a doubleheader and caught the second every day for two weeks straight. Their knees and hip flexor muscles should be the centerpieces of a traveling Medicine Show in the off-season, hawking the benefits of the snake liniment oil the two used to make it through this memorable tug-of-war.

See, your normal draft beer is usually 4% alcohol, while the light beer is typically 3.4% alc... aw hell, you probably already know this. You probably had the poster in your dorm room or fishing shanty. Consumer advocates are not amused:

"Wow, $8.50 for low-octane beer," said Michael Shames, a consumer advocate who heads the Utility Consumers' Action Network in San Diego. He compared the move to that of oil companies, which have been accused of reducing octane in gas.

For It's 1, 2, 3.2 At The Old Ballgame [San Diego Union-Tribune]

He continued to pitch, with the embarrassment of giving up six runs after the first inning, and actually made it all the way to the seventh inning, allowing his bullpen to pitch just one inning. If there was a category of respect you never gave Greg Maddux before ("Well, sure, he's great at defense, pitching, pitching in the playoffs ... but how does he handle getting his ass beat the day after his team plays a 22 inning game? Heh?!), then consider your Bingo card completely filled.

Also, credit goes to Arizona's Conor Jackson, who could have batted for the cycle in the fifth inning by casually strolling to second for his double, but he stretched that into his second triple of the night.

It's Always Those Last 12 Runs That Getcha. Kansas City was looking to steal a game in Oakland behind Brian Bannister, but Mr. Staircase Support didn't get a lot of run support. And his 2-1 lead evaporated in the sixth inning behind four Oakland runs. Then the game got all nutty with eight more in the eighth for a 13-2 demolishing of the Royales with cheese. Bobby Crosby had two doubles and a 3-run home run for 5 RBI in all, and Chad Gaudin pitched seven, struck out eight, and allowed just six baserunners.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say "It's Only April?" The Baltimore Orioles still have a better record than the Yankees. Certainly that'll change once they start playing th.. oh. Baltimore welcomed in N'yawk and then rickrolled them by roughing up Phil Hughes en route to an 8-2 victory. The only guy who knocked in runs for the Yankees was — good thing you didn't place bets on this one — Chad Moeller. Daniel Cabrera was good enough in his start, walking just two batters, far lower than the manager's pre-game target number of 18 walks for the control-stricken hurler.

So, They're Awesome Again, Until Further Beatdowns, Correct? I can't keep track of all these large-margin games for the Tigers. Either they're "in trouble" or "World Series contenders." There can't possibly be any middle ground here. Last night Kenny Rogers found enough magic thumb solvent to stifle the Jays for just four runs over 6 1/3 innings, then prayed that the Tigers brought their wooden bats and not the delicious tubes of cotton candy. Edgar Renteria had a two-run home run and the Tigers lineup had 7 doubles in their 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Wooden bats.

Mommy, The Weekday Editors Are Fighting Again. With the Cardinals taking it to the Metaphorically-Sized Giants 11-1 last night, I have to wonder if Will's team beating Rick's team will have any lingering effects once they return to the writing grounds on Monday. I don't want any awkward posts between them. Matt Cain couldn't escape the fourth inning, where Albert Pujols layethed the "run of home" into the stands, and Todd Wellemeyer is now 2-0 after an impressive start against the Giants lineup. Because if you look closely, there a couple of baseball players in that Giants lineup. No, don't go searching for them now. You've got chores to do, young man.

It was the ninth game in major league history to go 22 or more innings; the last one being Minnesota's 5-4 win over Cleveland in 22 innings on Aug. 31, 1993. Thursday's game had been a scoreless tie for 14 innings, with starters Jeff Francis and Jake Peavy going seven and eight innings, respectively. Here's the box score. Taveras had 10 at-bats for the Rockies, and scored both of their runs. A few minutes after it was over, a disgruntled fan checked in on the Union-Tribune's comments page: "This game should have been over by nine innings. What the heck is Glenn Hoffman thinking waving in MacAnulty for a triple with no outs...Like a true Padre fan, I watched the whole game. Can I get 3.5 hours of my life back.." — By 619cali on 04/18/2008 at 2:00 a.m.

• Stupid Angelos? There were actually four extra-inning games on Thursday totaling 56 innings ... 10 of them styled by the Orioles and White Sox. Adam Jones singled in the winning run for Baltimore, which is a half-game behind first-place Boston in the East. The impressive part was that the Orioles scored two in the ninth off of Bobby Jenks — who was 7-for-7 in save opportunities — to tie it.

• Coste Plus. Brett Myers went seven innings for the win and Chris Coste had four hits as the Phillies beat the Astros 10-2. Meanwhile, Jimmy Rollins had an MRI on his ankle and could be ready to go by this weekend. Grow hoof grow!

• Tigers Revert To Form. Ryan Garko and Travis Hafner hit two-run homers and Jason Michaels drove in three runs to help the Indians snap the Tigers; three-game win streak, 11-1. Detroit is 5-11.

• That 90's Show. John Smoltz pitched five shutout innings and struck out 10, and Chipper Jones went 4-for-4 with two homers and three RBI to lead the Braves over your first-place Marlins 8-0.

• Does Jake Throw A Spitter? See, to me... the spitter is like a lost dark art. It's against the rules to be sure, but if it were really such a terrible thing, they wouldn't have grandfathered in all of the guys who openly threw spitters after the pitch was banned. And even now, it lives on in the hearts of slightly evil pitchers. Jake Peavy harnessing the unholy powers of hell to do the holy work of defeating the Dodgers. He's like Ghostrider or Hellblazer or Spawn or something. Carry on, young Jake! Work your dastardly magic! [Gaslamp Ball]

• Is He Cheating?. Is he cheating? Is it just a coincidence that the 3 fingers that grip the ball have a mysterious substance on them? Or does Jake Peavy wipe with his pitching hand? YOU decide. I clipped video of the final out of the game and subsequent poopy-finger shot. It seems Peavy still has an awful lot of movement on his last pitch. [Bugs and Cranks]

• Padres' Peavy Denies Using Pine Tar On Hand. "It's just dirt," said Peavy as he looked at copies of the pictures. "I pick up dirt. I mean, come on. I mean, seriously. That's funny to me, seriously." He later added, "If anybody wants to check me for anything I'm doing at any time, they're more than welcome to. I promise you that." [Los Angeles Times]

Sunday's games:

• Royals' Road Rules. Hear ye, the Royals are 4-2! Brett Tomko pitched five shutout innings and Alex Gordon had a two-run single as KC beat Minnesota 3-1 to finish their road trip 4-2. The Royals won only three road trips all of last season.

• Yankees Celebrate Diversity. Chien-Ming Wang threw a four-hitter through six innings, Hideki Matsui had a two-run homer and Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera closed out the win as the Yankees prevailed over the Formerly-Known-As-Devil Rays, 2-0.

• John Smoltz Is Back, Kids! John Smoltz returned from a back injury and went five scoreless innings, with Mark Teixeira getting a two-run homer, as the Braves beat Johan Santana and the Mets 3-1. Although only 3-3, Atlanta has scored 40 runs over its first six games.

• Your Giants Update. Reliever Keiichi Yabu is out with blurry vision and corneal abrasions after the rubber tube he was using to do arm exercises became unhooked from his locker and snapped back, hitting him in the face. Outfielder Randy Winn is also out with a bruised right ankle, which he injured with his bat on a backswing. Meanwhile, the team has discontinued recorded music between innings and will instead use a laugh track. Oh, on Sunday it was Brewers 7, Giants 0. Today is Opening Day at AT&T Park!

• Your Dodgers Update. Brad Penny had a not-so-great first inning on Saturday against the Padres (giving up four runs on six hits), and Rockin' The Ravine thinks it knows why: "Taking another look at Dodgers.com, apparently Penny went to warm up in the bullpen a half-hour before the game started, but there wasn't a catcher there. So he tried to get an usher and then a member of the grounds crew to warm him up, but they both declined. He finally found a Dodgers fan in the stands who played catch with him from the fifth row. Are you kidding me!? Is this little league?" [Rockin' The Ravine]

In all fairness, Klondike bars are a messy ordeal. But after Kenny Rogers' mysterious shmootz in the 2006 postseason which magically enabled him to be the only Tigers pitcher to effectively throw the ball to any base, one has to wonder if Peavy's getting performance-enhancing stains from the same dealer. Then again, it's April.

If you need a closer look:

I'm going with turkey gravy. It's just too delicious to not be the alibi.