There have been some spirited attempts to keep the game alive, but it looks like this is it. It has been a while since anything particularly noteworthy has happened during the game — the games this decade have been mostly sideshows — but the best game might have been in 1961, when the birth of Brooks Robinson's son was announced over the loudspeakers while he was on the field, and a light-hitting outfielder named Whitey Herzog hit a home run on a rooftop across the street.

We haven't been to Cooperstown in more than 20 years, but we kind of wish we were there today.

Save The Fame Game [Official Site]

What you missed while making the jump into academia...

"I still use that line today. I just changed it up, but I tell the kids you can't play with a tight booty. There's nothing you can do in the game with a tight booty. You can't run, you can't pitch, you can't hit, you can't do anything."

The Padres struck out 14 times on Thursday, (after whiffing 15 times the night before), creating a breeze in a place that doesn't need the extra wind. The San Diego Union Tribune points out that that's 29 strikeouts in a span of 54 outs and 20 hours. Chicago's Ryan Dempster set a career high with 12 strikeouts Thursday (his previous high this season was seven). On Wednesday, Ted Lilly struck out 11 over six innings.

Over two games, 41 percent of the Padres who stepped into the batter's box walked away without putting the ball in play. Not that they were working the count. Only three Padres drew walks over the course of 18 innings.

The Padres, who have been shut out four times this season, are last in the league in runs scored (140, 3.3 per game) and hitting (.233). Tadahito Iguchi struck out five times in the two games. Greg Maddux gave up 11 hits over 4 1/3 innings, leaving in the fifth following Derrek Lee's two-run double. The Wrigley Field crowd gave the former Cub a standing ovation. Thanks to Gaslamp Ball for pointing out that Gwynn quote.

• Brandon Webb Is Probably A Robot. Or a Replicant, whatever they call things that look like us but are three times as powerful. Webb went 9-for-9 for the season, becoming the majors' first nine-game winner in Arizona's 8-5 triumph over Colorado. Of course it helps to have offensive support, as Stephen Drew had two doubles, a triple and a single. No one has won his first 10 starts since San Diego's Andy Hawkins in 1985, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Webb has won 11 straight starts dating to this past September. The Diamondbacks are 8-1 against the Rockies this season.

• Introducing Your Last-Place New York Yankees. I really didn't mean to dwell on the negative today, but I've praised the Rays two or three times already this season, and the Yankees would have slipped silently into last place in the AL East had I not pointed it out. Scott Kazmir's first start since agreeing to a $28.5 million contract extension was a winner, and Akinori Iwamura and Shawn Riggans each had homers as first-place Tampa Bay won 5-2. It may be time for George "Little Enos" Steinbrenner to give another pep talk.

• Gimme A Big Wet One. Top of the ninth, tie game. Catcher gives a target low and outside to the Astros' Lance Berkman. Giants' reliever Vinnie Chulk throws it inside at the belt. What happened? You freakin' guess!

• The Dance, She Is Over. The Indians had to try really hard to break their scoreless innings streak, but they did it. Aaron Laffey gave up an unearned run on his own throwing error which ended the team's streak of scoreless innings by starters at 44 1/3. Howevah, Cleveland won 4-2.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Play Of The Day. Wizard Cat is outraged at those fans who claim that Willie Harris' diving catch in the bottom of the ninth may have been a trapped ball. The catch, which robbed the Mets' Ryan Church of extra bases and probably saved the game for the Nationals, was clearly legal, and anyone who says otherwise will deal with a furious cat who is not above using your penis as a scratching post. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Six wands. And now it's time for ...

Wizard Cat's mailbag! (Wizard Cat is a cat, and therefore cannot reply to email. He also cannot read. Email will not be read to him).

• You shouldn't make fun of cats. — Cindy Lehr, Miramar, Calif.

• Are Wizard Cat's abilities limited to rating individual defensive plays, or can it also provide general life advice? Because I've got this upstairs neighbour who is constantly vacuuming, and I'm at my wit's end. — Gourmet Spud

• For a nominal fee, Wizard Cat will sneak into your neighbor's home, claw-up their furniture and shit in their shoes. — Weed Against Speed

• Come back to mommy. I have new poems, and several new outfits for you to try. — Dee Mirich

• Wizard Cat: What do you think of the Jim Edmonds deal? — zebra66

Contact Wizard Cat at WizardCat@live.com

This writer was not fortunate enough to have been at Marathon as Pheidippides ran his final 26, nor with the GIs at Bataan, nor in New Orleans for the infamous 77-round fight between Burke and Bowen (I was supposed to be, but got drunk on the Crescent City Limited and woke up in Nacogdoches, Texas wearing only my underwear — but that's a tale for a different time, dear reader). However, yours truly can safely claim to be an expert on endlessness, for I have witnessed 22 innings of base ball at its most benumbing. 22 innings of ineptitude, farce and lack of imagination one hoped could no longer be summoned by today's "professionals."

And it was all so you, the prized reader, could concentrate your limited energy and resources on matters of more import; goldfish swallowing, perhaps, or flagpole sitting. I suffered so you wouldn't have to.

The pertinent details are thus — the Mountain Men from Denver, last season's Senior Circuit Surprise Squad, triumphed over the Holy Nine from San Diego, 2-1. The winning tally advanced the required 360 feet in the tourist half of the 22nd frame, and the determinative pitched ball came six hours and sixteen minutes after festivities were commenced at Roscoe and Mittens Memorial Park. But any interest had been vacuumed from the affair eons before, in an affront to this beautiful Mission City and its proud German heritage. It was the type of contest that confirms the worst approbations from those who call for the banning of the sport on grounds that impressionable youth are being sidetracked from their classical educations by a game that dulls the senses and narcotizes the synapses.

To those cynics I say, Fie! Remember with me the Homeric duel contested only last autumn, in the shadow of the Continental Divide. The eliminator game decided by the width of a mountain goat's whisker that propelled the Coloradans to the Fall Classic. The mere fact that these exact same squadrons of base ballers could engage in two such disparate examples of Our Game is testament to the utter perfection and uniqueness of it. Would you prefer the paper doll sameness of baskets, or the grunting metronomy that is gridiron? Methinks not.

This contest's victorious rally came, fittingly, as the result of maladroitness. Batsman Willy The Weakling Tavares should have been retired on his tenth appearance of the evening, but a toss by Kahlil "BMOC" Greene was too tall for even Pterodactyl Tony Clark to reel in. Tavares is a Django of the Banjoes, and like most of his ilk he can run like a lynx. He pilfered second, and went to third on another throw that appeared the result of a miscalculated sextant, this one by Ignorance Tool-wearer Josh Bard. The anchor leg in Willy's 4 x 90 foot relay came at a trot, after a scorched shot to left by Troy "Cooperstown" Tulowitzski. The Left Coast Fathers were unable to match this outburst of scoring, having managed only a single tally over 21 prior innings, and when Robert "Kip" Wells blew an adjudged backwards K past fellow slabber Glendon "Lungs" Rusch, the few hardy souls left nibbling kibble in the grandstand were rendered disappointed as well as exhausted.

It was a struggle out of Shaw, whose "Arms and the Man" was penned after a similar battle in Piccadilly Circus some time ago. The Moccasin of the Mound, Mr. Peavy, was untouched for an octet of innings, and his replacements kept a clean sheet for five more. That Baker's Dozen proved a lucky number across the field, as Centennial State tossers spackled opposing batsmen for an equivalent number of run-free slates. In the fourteenth (early days in this Joycian game), the Rocks finally got rolling, scoring an actual run, courtesy of a free pass with no room at the Inn to Hawppy Brad Hawpe. Naturally, with a chance to rivet the game shut, the boys from Pikes Peak surrendered meekly — a foul pop from the ash of Clint "Venison" Barmes traveled thirty feet backwards, and was caught to give the side the gold watch.

The Celibate Crew, their Blessed Backs against the wall, fought back to prolong the agony. They too filled the sacks with clergy, and Stratford-Upon-Josh Bard lined a safety to balance the abacus at one. But alas, the game could not be concluded at an hour fit for Gentlemen. Tall Tony Clark was forced out at the pentagon, and Colt Morton harmlessly rolled one to third, meaning the fight would continue, like the Battle of the Marne, on and on and on.

The game's two squatters, The Bard and Yorman Victor Torrealba, deserve an exclamatory note, having caught all score plus two innings, a Shackletonian feat of endurance not seen since Double Duty Radcliffe pitched the first game of a doubleheader and caught the second every day for two weeks straight. Their knees and hip flexor muscles should be the centerpieces of a traveling Medicine Show in the off-season, hawking the benefits of the snake liniment oil the two used to make it through this memorable tug-of-war.

See, your normal draft beer is usually 4% alcohol, while the light beer is typically 3.4% alc... aw hell, you probably already know this. You probably had the poster in your dorm room or fishing shanty. Consumer advocates are not amused:

"Wow, $8.50 for low-octane beer," said Michael Shames, a consumer advocate who heads the Utility Consumers' Action Network in San Diego. He compared the move to that of oil companies, which have been accused of reducing octane in gas.

For It's 1, 2, 3.2 At The Old Ballgame [San Diego Union-Tribune]

He continued to pitch, with the embarrassment of giving up six runs after the first inning, and actually made it all the way to the seventh inning, allowing his bullpen to pitch just one inning. If there was a category of respect you never gave Greg Maddux before ("Well, sure, he's great at defense, pitching, pitching in the playoffs ... but how does he handle getting his ass beat the day after his team plays a 22 inning game? Heh?!), then consider your Bingo card completely filled.

Also, credit goes to Arizona's Conor Jackson, who could have batted for the cycle in the fifth inning by casually strolling to second for his double, but he stretched that into his second triple of the night.

It's Always Those Last 12 Runs That Getcha. Kansas City was looking to steal a game in Oakland behind Brian Bannister, but Mr. Staircase Support didn't get a lot of run support. And his 2-1 lead evaporated in the sixth inning behind four Oakland runs. Then the game got all nutty with eight more in the eighth for a 13-2 demolishing of the Royales with cheese. Bobby Crosby had two doubles and a 3-run home run for 5 RBI in all, and Chad Gaudin pitched seven, struck out eight, and allowed just six baserunners.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say "It's Only April?" The Baltimore Orioles still have a better record than the Yankees. Certainly that'll change once they start playing th.. oh. Baltimore welcomed in N'yawk and then rickrolled them by roughing up Phil Hughes en route to an 8-2 victory. The only guy who knocked in runs for the Yankees was — good thing you didn't place bets on this one — Chad Moeller. Daniel Cabrera was good enough in his start, walking just two batters, far lower than the manager's pre-game target number of 18 walks for the control-stricken hurler.

So, They're Awesome Again, Until Further Beatdowns, Correct? I can't keep track of all these large-margin games for the Tigers. Either they're "in trouble" or "World Series contenders." There can't possibly be any middle ground here. Last night Kenny Rogers found enough magic thumb solvent to stifle the Jays for just four runs over 6 1/3 innings, then prayed that the Tigers brought their wooden bats and not the delicious tubes of cotton candy. Edgar Renteria had a two-run home run and the Tigers lineup had 7 doubles in their 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Wooden bats.

Mommy, The Weekday Editors Are Fighting Again. With the Cardinals taking it to the Metaphorically-Sized Giants 11-1 last night, I have to wonder if Will's team beating Rick's team will have any lingering effects once they return to the writing grounds on Monday. I don't want any awkward posts between them. Matt Cain couldn't escape the fourth inning, where Albert Pujols layethed the "run of home" into the stands, and Todd Wellemeyer is now 2-0 after an impressive start against the Giants lineup. Because if you look closely, there a couple of baseball players in that Giants lineup. No, don't go searching for them now. You've got chores to do, young man.

It was the ninth game in major league history to go 22 or more innings; the last one being Minnesota's 5-4 win over Cleveland in 22 innings on Aug. 31, 1993. Thursday's game had been a scoreless tie for 14 innings, with starters Jeff Francis and Jake Peavy going seven and eight innings, respectively. Here's the box score. Taveras had 10 at-bats for the Rockies, and scored both of their runs. A few minutes after it was over, a disgruntled fan checked in on the Union-Tribune's comments page: "This game should have been over by nine innings. What the heck is Glenn Hoffman thinking waving in MacAnulty for a triple with no outs...Like a true Padre fan, I watched the whole game. Can I get 3.5 hours of my life back.." — By 619cali on 04/18/2008 at 2:00 a.m.

• Stupid Angelos? There were actually four extra-inning games on Thursday totaling 56 innings ... 10 of them styled by the Orioles and White Sox. Adam Jones singled in the winning run for Baltimore, which is a half-game behind first-place Boston in the East. The impressive part was that the Orioles scored two in the ninth off of Bobby Jenks — who was 7-for-7 in save opportunities — to tie it.

• Coste Plus. Brett Myers went seven innings for the win and Chris Coste had four hits as the Phillies beat the Astros 10-2. Meanwhile, Jimmy Rollins had an MRI on his ankle and could be ready to go by this weekend. Grow hoof grow!

• Tigers Revert To Form. Ryan Garko and Travis Hafner hit two-run homers and Jason Michaels drove in three runs to help the Indians snap the Tigers; three-game win streak, 11-1. Detroit is 5-11.

• That 90's Show. John Smoltz pitched five shutout innings and struck out 10, and Chipper Jones went 4-for-4 with two homers and three RBI to lead the Braves over your first-place Marlins 8-0.

• Does Jake Throw A Spitter? See, to me... the spitter is like a lost dark art. It's against the rules to be sure, but if it were really such a terrible thing, they wouldn't have grandfathered in all of the guys who openly threw spitters after the pitch was banned. And even now, it lives on in the hearts of slightly evil pitchers. Jake Peavy harnessing the unholy powers of hell to do the holy work of defeating the Dodgers. He's like Ghostrider or Hellblazer or Spawn or something. Carry on, young Jake! Work your dastardly magic! [Gaslamp Ball]

• Is He Cheating?. Is he cheating? Is it just a coincidence that the 3 fingers that grip the ball have a mysterious substance on them? Or does Jake Peavy wipe with his pitching hand? YOU decide. I clipped video of the final out of the game and subsequent poopy-finger shot. It seems Peavy still has an awful lot of movement on his last pitch. [Bugs and Cranks]

• Padres' Peavy Denies Using Pine Tar On Hand. "It's just dirt," said Peavy as he looked at copies of the pictures. "I pick up dirt. I mean, come on. I mean, seriously. That's funny to me, seriously." He later added, "If anybody wants to check me for anything I'm doing at any time, they're more than welcome to. I promise you that." [Los Angeles Times]

Sunday's games:

• Royals' Road Rules. Hear ye, the Royals are 4-2! Brett Tomko pitched five shutout innings and Alex Gordon had a two-run single as KC beat Minnesota 3-1 to finish their road trip 4-2. The Royals won only three road trips all of last season.

• Yankees Celebrate Diversity. Chien-Ming Wang threw a four-hitter through six innings, Hideki Matsui had a two-run homer and Joba Chamberlain and Mariano Rivera closed out the win as the Yankees prevailed over the Formerly-Known-As-Devil Rays, 2-0.

• John Smoltz Is Back, Kids! John Smoltz returned from a back injury and went five scoreless innings, with Mark Teixeira getting a two-run homer, as the Braves beat Johan Santana and the Mets 3-1. Although only 3-3, Atlanta has scored 40 runs over its first six games.

• Your Giants Update. Reliever Keiichi Yabu is out with blurry vision and corneal abrasions after the rubber tube he was using to do arm exercises became unhooked from his locker and snapped back, hitting him in the face. Outfielder Randy Winn is also out with a bruised right ankle, which he injured with his bat on a backswing. Meanwhile, the team has discontinued recorded music between innings and will instead use a laugh track. Oh, on Sunday it was Brewers 7, Giants 0. Today is Opening Day at AT&T Park!

• Your Dodgers Update. Brad Penny had a not-so-great first inning on Saturday against the Padres (giving up four runs on six hits), and Rockin' The Ravine thinks it knows why: "Taking another look at Dodgers.com, apparently Penny went to warm up in the bullpen a half-hour before the game started, but there wasn't a catcher there. So he tried to get an usher and then a member of the grounds crew to warm him up, but they both declined. He finally found a Dodgers fan in the stands who played catch with him from the fifth row. Are you kidding me!? Is this little league?" [Rockin' The Ravine]

In all fairness, Klondike bars are a messy ordeal. But after Kenny Rogers' mysterious shmootz in the 2006 postseason which magically enabled him to be the only Tigers pitcher to effectively throw the ball to any base, one has to wonder if Peavy's getting performance-enhancing stains from the same dealer. Then again, it's April.

If you need a closer look:

I'm going with turkey gravy. It's just too delicious to not be the alibi.

Anyway, off to the NL West.

1. Arizona Diamondbacks. We don't think the Pythagorean people are going to have a problem with them this year.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers. This should be the one year in his contract in which Torre stays awake.
3. Colorado Rockies. We know it seems strange to say a team that just went to the World Series is one year away, but ... we think they're a year away.
4. San Diego Padres. We will always love the guy, but ... Jim Edmonds is the impact offseason bat? Really?
5. San Francisco Giants: Easiest pick in all of baseball. Oh, and don't ask about Bonds.

That's ours; jumbled division. Yours?

Tomorrow: The National League East.

• Rockies Celebrate ... But He Still Has Not Touched Home Plate! Matt Holliday never touched the plate and Tim McClellan knows it. He absolutely knows it. He stood back and did not make a call because he knew it. A thought process happened, and then he made the call in slow motion. They are interviewing Matt Holliday on TBS at this very moment and even he won't say he touched the plate. Quote, "The umpire said I did, so..."

What's more, I am flat out, right now accusing Tim McClellan of making a call that, if not downright influenced by a desire to punish Sandy Alderson and the Padres, was at the very least a call that ended a ball game which he had no evidence to make. A call that ended a team's season. I can't prove that it was consciously or subconsciously influenced by any bias. But I believe it. See, the non-call was already a call. It was saying he did not touch the plate. Never seen an umpire reverse a call? Guess what? You just did. [San Diego Spotlight]

• An Epic Game Of Inches. Tonight's game was the poster child for how the fate of a baseball season can rest on the smallest of margins. From Garrett Atkins' "double" that struck a suspiciously solid object behind the yellow padding to Matt Holliday's "to score or not to score?" slide, this cruel game toyed with the Rockies and Padres, leaving their fates twisting in the late October night until the dust had settled on Holliday's final dive. Ultimately, the Rox were rewarded for busting their asses all night even when the breaks weren't falling their way and it's that exact drive and determination that sets this team apart. [Up In The Rockies]

• Defeat. And then I can tell you that Hoffy came to the mound. This is where the lack of a picture makes sense. A picture can be worth a thousand words — and in this day and age, a link may well be worth a million — but I can be sure, within a zillionth of an inch, that the pain is these words will be worth far more than any image you may lay your feeble eyes upon. For when Trevor Hoffman came in, and gave up a double to Kaz Matsui ... I'm going to say this slow, just so you understand . . . K-a-z M-a-t-s-u-i . . . I knew it was over. A two-strike gapper? To Kaz Matsui? [And Here Come The Pretzels]

• Le Sigh. Not a whole lot else to say. Good luck, Colorado. Have fun in the post season. I'll save my Trevor Hoffman Needs to Retire post for another night. If you're a non-Padres fan and you're thinking about trolling, just know that the Ban Button is coming down quick and without mercy. [Gaslamp Ball]

• Matt Holliday's Face Pain Brings Joy To Colorado. Technically it was a "tiebreaker" game, and part of the regular season, and the expanded roster is still in play. Um, bullshit. Call it the "National League Wild Card semifinal." They earned the right to play an extra game, and it's played in October, broadcast on TBS, and they don't drag Cal Ripken from the sofa into the studio to talk about a regular season game, now do they? [Blogcritics.org]

• The Rockies Are God's Team. Remember that article about the Colorado Rockies that came out in USA Today last summer? "Baseball's Rockies Seek Revival On Two Levels," it was titled, and detailed their quest to bring themselves up from the NL West's gutter. But it also described an organization guided not by Moneyball, but by Christianity. [Lion In Oil]

• Meanwhile, In New York ... As The Rockies were beating the Padres, Mr. Met was attempting suicide ... and failing pathetically. Late Night With Conan O'Brien has the exclusive footage. With a cameo appearance by the Phillie Phanatic, who evidently has had a gastric bypass.

Forgive us for quoting, uh, the most recent post, but we think Rick sums it up well; if one of the Padres can find out where Matt Holliday lives, he can still drive over there with a ball and tag him. We think it's pretty clear that Tim McClellan made the right call — that is to say, no call — and then was swept up in the drama of the moment and backed away. You can tell by the way he so casually gives the safe sign; it's as if he's trying to act like, "Hey, duh, he was safe along, obviously." Umpiring's a tough job, but we think he did every single thing wrong there.

One thing we can't get behind, though, is instant replay. Maybe we can support instant replay to tell whether a ball went over a wall, but we don't think we're being out-of-touch purists to believe in the sanctity of the umpire. No game is more human than baseball, and its traditions are what make it what it is. It would be no fun whatsoever to see Lou Piniella arguing with a camera.

Regardless; We congratulate the Colorado Rockies on their postseason appearance. No offense to the Padres, who have to be just dying over having this happen to Trevor Hoffman ... but it's kind of fun having these Rockies here.

It has been eight years since we had one of these fun playoff games, and we love it, not just because we get to watch two teams play their guts out for the right to take a trip to Philadelphia. It's Jake Peavy, strategically held for tonight's game, against Josh Fogg, who's exactly whom you want in this game. The winner goes crazy, the loser twiddles its thumbs for a few months. This rarely happens, now we get it before the playoffs even start.

We recommend checking out how the fans of each team are hanging in at Purple Row and Gaslamp Ball. We suspect the mood will be "tense."

Oh, and the game's on TBS, so if you're curious how they're gonna work out this postseason, here's a preview.

Yes, I speak of course of John Denver, who is obviously guiding the Rockies' fortunes from above. This is the 10-year anniversary of the month that Denver died in a plane crash, leaving little doubt that the Rockies would reach October. One could hear Denver singing the strains of I Guess He'd Rather Be In Colorado as San Diego was losing to the Brewers, 11-6, to force the playoff. The Rockies have been to the postseason just once, in 1995. Colorado went 71-46 after May 22, when they were 8½ games back in the wild card race. That record was second only to the Yankees (74-45). Peavy is 0-0 with a 1.29 ERA in two starts against the Rockies this season. He is 4-4 lifetime against the Rockies, 3-3 with a 3.96 ERA at Coors Field. Colorado will counter with Josh Fogg, aka Dragonslayer, for his propensity to beat the other team's ace. Fogg is 1-1 with a 6.28 ERA in three starts against the Padres in this season. So anyway, this should be fun.

• The Philadelphia Story. We'll have more on this later — including detailed analysis from the Mets' perspective — but may I just say how happy I am that players from the winning team in the NL East celebrated by dousing their fans with a fire hose? You so rarely see that in sports anymore. Shane Victorino and Antonio Alfonseca did the honors after the Phillies beat the Nationals 6-1 on Sunday, which coupled with New York's 8-1 loss to the Marlins, allowed the Phillie Phanatic to climb those Rocky Balboa steps and dance a victory dance. The Phillies advance to the postseason for only the 10th time in their history, and will play host in Game 1 on Wednesday against the winner of today's wild-card tiebreaker between San Diego and Colorado.

This means the Phillies are your National League East champions as Jamie Moyer essentially bored the Nationals to death with war stories in a 6-1 victory. Gee, I sure hope the New York tab-sheet newspaper — I forget which one it is — can think of something catchy for their back page about this.

San Diego is also about to suffer a collapse not as cataclysmic as that of the Mets, so we won't use a Jenga analogy. How about Ker-Plunk? That was slightly less popular than Jenga. Their magic number was at 1 with two games left to play, so it is noteworthy. They're losing to the Brewers in the final innings, whereas the Rockies are currently tied with the complacent Diamondbacks in the — oh, let's say the seventh — inning. Barring a miracle comeback for the Padres, all the Rockies have to do is eke out a win over Arizona and they secure a one-game playoff with the Padres for the NL Wild Card.

And since we know the Wild Card won't come out of the East, the Cubs will officially play the Diamondbacks in the first round. At least those tickets can be printed.

The great Baseball Prospectus Postseason Odds report gives the following percentage chances on surviving the weekend:

• Chicago Cubs: 92.9 percent.
• Arizona Diamondbacks: 82.9 percent.
• San Diego Padres: 65.6 percent.
• Philadelphia Phillies: 59. 1 percent.
• New York Mets: 58.5 percent.
• Colorado Rockies: 34.0 percent.
• Milwaukee Brewers: 7.1 percent.

The series to watch are Washington at Philadelphia, Florida at NY Mets, Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati, San Diego at Milwaukee and Arizona at Colorado. Playoffs? Who needs playoffs?

Not only that, but San Diego must also worry about Colorado, just a game back in the wild card. The Padres are three games behind NL West-leading Arizona. All have six games remaining. On Monday the Padres lost to Barry Zito, of all people, who even singled in a run as he earned his first career win in seven tries against the Padres. Earlier in the day, the Padres learned they will be without left fielder Bradley for the rest of the season because of a knee injury that will require surgery. Bradley was hurt after being spun to the ground by manager Bud Black, who was keeping him from going after umpire Mark Winters. If you have to ask, just skip it.

• Judge Judy, Prepare For Your Most Baffling Case Yet. Barry Bonds promised that he would release the hounds on anyone who defamed him, and on Monday he has, evidently, chosen his first target. Curt Schilling! Prepare to be roughly sued about the head and shoulders, Mr. Schilling! "This is directed at Schilling more than anybody," Bonds' attorney Michael Rains told the San Jose Mercury News. "Schilling said some things that were inappropriate and potentially defamatory." As the story goes on to say, we're all sure that Bonds wants this to go to trial. Yes. Totally.

• Why, Mr. Met? Why? The Mets' so-called magic number remained at five on Monday as the Nationals spanked them 13-4, New York dropping to two games ahead of idle Philadelphia in the East. The Mets play the Nationals again Tuesday while the Phillies play host to Atlanta in the opener of a three-game series.

• Turn Those Machines Back On! Well, after a 2-0 loss to Minnesota on Monday, Detroit is 5 1/2 games behind the Yankees in the AL wild-card race, with six to play. Carlos Silva (7 2/3 innings) got the win.

"It's terrible. And now, because of him, my knee's hurt," said Bradley, whose Padres lost to the Rockies 7-3. "If this costs me my season because of that, he needs to be reprimanded. I'm taking some action. I'm not going to stand pat and accept this because I didn't do nothing wrong." The Padres were swept by the Rockies and are now only a half game ahead of the Phillies in the NL wild-card scramble. San Diego is 2 1/2 games behind the Diamondbacks in the NL West. Garrett Atkins hit an inside-the-park home run and Brad Hawpe homered for the second time in three games for the Rockies, who are 1 1/2 games back in the wild-card race.

• We Want Joba! Even though Joe Torre didn't want to use him, the Yankees' manager gave in to the entreaties of the mob and used Joba Chamberlain in relief in the eighth. Toronto had two men on and was two runs back when Chamberlain came in at the behest of the crowd and threw five pitches to strike out Adam Lind, then followed with a perfect ninth. New York won 7-5. And it was Joba's birthday! Did you get him anything? New York is 1 1/2 games back of Boston in the East.

• Bust In The Dust. Chad Billingsley (12-5) got the win as the Dodgers beat the Diamondbacks 7-1, leaving Arizona 2 1/2 games ahead of the Padres in the NL West with six games remaining; three at Pittsburgh and three in Colorado. Oh, the suspense!

• Cubs Are Smelling Division Title! Derek Lee homered and Carlos Zambrano got his career-best 17th win as the Cubs beat the Pirates 8-0. Coupled with Milwaukee's 7-4 loss to Atlanta, Chicago is looking pretty, pretty, pretty, pre-tay good at 3 1/2 games ahead of the second-place Brewers in the NL Central.

After the current four-game series at Petco, the teams move to Phoenix for three beginning next Monday. Milton Bradley also homered for San Diego, and to a lot of Padres fans he's been the difference lately. San Diego can come off as a pretty laid-back group of players emotionally; and Bradley is a jalapeno in that recipe. Peavy improved to 15-5 and became the Padres' all-time strikeouts leader. San Diego has a three-game lead in the wild-card race over Philadelphia, which beat the New York Mets 9-2 behind the return of Chase Utley (three hits, including a homer).

• Seller's Remorse? The Padres may be having second thoughts about dumping David Wells, who was signed by the Dodgers and pitched well for them in his debut. From Glaslamp Ball: "Would we have been better off insulting David Wells over and over again before each start? It seems to me that when he's offended, back to the wall, he steps up. I blame Bud Black for not calling him out for being fat and useless before gametime."

• Yankees Make History. You'd have to go to 1907 to find worse road loss for the Yankees, who were paddled 16-0 by the Tigers on Monday. Justin Verlander (14-5) earned the win, striking out six over seven innings. Detroit had 20 hits, roughing up Mike Mussina, who gave up six runs on nine hits in only three innings. Placido Polanco was 3-for-5 including a home run. Among players on that '07 Yankees (Highlanders, actually) squad, by the way, were Wid Conroy, Baldy Louden and a young center fielder named Branch Rickey.

• First Alberto Gonzales, Now This. Wasn't it just two years ago that the Astros were in the World Series? Anyone? Anyone? Manager Phil Garner and general manager Tim Purpura got them there, and now they're out; fired by owner Drayton McLane, who said the team "needed a fresh start" after a becoming one with the bottom of the NL Central (58-73, nine games behind the first-place Cubs). Astros bench coach Cecil Cooper was appointed interim manager, and team president Tal Smith will serve as interim general manager.

• Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero. Poor Mariners. they always seem to get John Lackey. The Angels beat Seattle 6-0, Lackey throwing the seven-hit shutout despite a case of strep throat.

Wells continued to hang around, though, even making a postseason start last year for the Padres. But now, the pilot light might have finally died out: The Padres cut Wells this morning after the Cardinals banged him around for seven runs in an inning earlier this week.

"I think Father Time caught up with him," Padres general manager Kevin Towers said. "At times, he showed good stuff, but he was a little more inconsistent. He might have a good outing, but then he'd struggle for three or four. I think the velocity was still there, but the curveball was a little more inconsistent and he was struggling with his cutter. He didn't have a pitch to command the inside part of the plate."

If Wells is indeed done, we feel we must properly salute a baseball original. Before there was El Guapo, there was Wells, the late-night drunken phone calls, the perfect games, the odd obsession with Babe Ruth. Only in baseball could David Wells have ever thrived, and if he's done, we will miss him.

Wouldn't surprise us if the Cardinals signed him, though.

Oh, and of course: The Dugout.

Time Finally Caught Up For Wells [San Diego Union Tribune]
Bottom Of The Wells [Yahoo Sports]

According to the Los Angeles Times, Gwynn, as recently as 12 weeks ago, could only bench press 40 pounds.

Before his induction into the Hall of Fame on Sunday, Gwynn publicly signed up to try to shape up, consenting to have his progress documented in the Wheaties "Fit to Win Challenge." Over a 12-week period, Gwynn lost 19 pounds, along with a total of 17.25 inches off his waist, arms and chest. Other statistics released by a spokeswoman for Wheaties: Gwynn reduced his body-fat percentage by 9.8%, increased his bench press from 40 pounds to 200 pounds and went from five push-ups to 25. His flexibility rating went from poor to above average, and his cardiovascular efficiency improved dramatically.

This man was a professional athlete, and apparently he couldn't bench press the bar. This is what happens when you don't do steroids, people.

Tony Gwynn Is A Greek God - Gwynn Could Bench Press 40 Pounds, Do 5 Push Ups [SportsWrap BeRecruited]

The San Diego Padres ended the first half of the season in style on July 8, as they held Gay Pride Night at Petco Park on the same night as their Floppy Hat Giveaway for kids. Of course, Christian groups were thrilled and hilarity ensued.

"The Padres are playing the part of the Pied Piper, leading unsuspecting children into the homosexual lifestyle as normal," Richard Thompson, director of the Ann Arbor-based Christian law center, said.

There were protests outside the stadium by Christian groups, and anti-protests by gay rights groups. Some Petco vendors walked out of the game, played against the Atlanta Braves. (Bill O'Reilly didn't handle it well either.)

A Padres spokesman said that the team welcomes all fans to boost attendance, and that the team hosts more than 5,000 groups for special events each season, everyone from knitters to bowlers.

But that's nothing. When Thompson discovers the giant penis that is being built downtown, his bow tie will never stop spinning.

Gay Rights, Religious Groups Clash At Petco Park [KFMB San Diego]
Designer Will 'Tone Down' Tower Over Criticism [San Diego Union Tribune]

• The Padres Will Beat Your Ass. The Padres beat the Dodgers and no one get their ass kicked ... I only mention this because the Padres yesterday traded to bring Milton Bradley to a team that also recently acquired Michael Barrett. So this might not happen too often. Trevor Hoffman picked up the save after the Padres let the Dodgers cut a 7-2 lead down to 7-6 in the ninth.

• Troy Percival Is The Natural. Troy Percival, who hadn't thrown a major league pitch in two years, threw a scoreless seventh inning for the Cards yesterday against the Reds, and ended up getting the win in a 4-2 decision. Manager Tony LaRussa is more excited about it than I am. "It's a dream come true. He gets three outs and gets the winning decision. That's movie material," he said. Tony LaRussa must watch some really boring movies.

• Fat Guys Can Hit For Cycles, Too. Aubrey Huff's words, not mine. "As a 235-pound fat guy, you get a triple out of the way, that's something. After I got the double, it kind of snuck in my mind." The triple was his 1,000th hit, and the double was his 200th double. It's all very symmetrical and tidy. Except the O's lost 9-7 when Howie Kendrick put the Angels ahead with a home run in the 9th.

As noted in an earlier threadjack, Cubs' slugger Derrek Lee got into it with 6'10" Padres pitcher Chris Young. Lee, as angry baseball players are apt to do, swung wildly, and Young did not back down. Had this one not been broken up, I'd like Young's chances.

I don't think any actual punches landed, being that this was a baseball fight and all. But at least they tried ... you've got to like the signs of life from the Cubbies. And I might be wrong at this, but when Young is pushed back by a teammate, it looks like Lee takes a little bit of a detour on the way to get back at Young.

Oh, and Carlos Zambrano also has a no-hitter going in the 7th.

(UPDATE: No no-hitter for Carlos Zambrano. Or shutout. Or win. Russ Branyan is hung like a bull-moose.)

Whew, last one. We'd like to point out a couple of the pictures above. First, we enjoyed choosing a picture of Tony Clark for the D-Backs one, considering he's the opposite of a Diamondback this year. Second: Steve Finley is on the Rockies? Wow!

Anyway, the picks:

1. Arizona Diamondbacks. If Randy Johnson is even slightly healthy, they could have the best record in the National League.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers. Boy, love that Juan Pierre. Really.
3. San Diego Padres. Nothing is better than when they wear the camo uniforms.
4. Colorado Rockies. Another of our perpetual sleeper teams that never comes through.
5. San Francisco Giants. Bonds will end his career — maybe — on a last place team. Makes sense.

All right, can you fire yourself up for one more round of predictions? Come on, we know you can!

"Hey Greg, I've got one for you," Brian Giles said to new Padres teammate Greg Maddux last month. "Why was the mathematics book depressed?" Giles said. After the 333-game winner pondered the question for a few seconds, Giles slowly delivered the punch line. "Because it had a lot of problems inside."



Giles laughed as if he were the second coming of Robin Williams, slapped Maddux in the left arm and walked away. Maddux, appearing perplexed, resumed answering questions from a reporter. Giles returned a few second later, speaking slowly, like an athlete who took too many shots to the helmet. He stared into Maddux's bemused face. "Greg, here's another one. What kind of waves are the really small ones in the ocean?" Pause. "Micro waves."



Giles giggled and walked back to his dressing stall. A trace of a grin appeared on Maddux's face. Then Maddux resumed the interview. Giles returned in about 30 seconds - naked - and said, "Greg, what kind of language does a porcupine use? "Spine language." Maddux belly-laughed. Giles roared and, now content, the right fielder made a triumphant return to his clubhouse stall. "I guess it's funnier when he tells the joke without wearing any clothes," Maddux said.

We don't want overstate this, but it's very likely that Brian Giles has a serious mental disability and needs professional help.

Clubhouse Chemistry Winning Formula? [San Diego Union Tribune] (via The Smittblog),

Well, we're just more than a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The San Diego Padres. Your author is The Mighty MJD.

The Mighty MJD is the weekend editor of Deadspin, rocks it over at The Fanhouse and does his own thing at TheMightyMJD.com. His words are after the jump.

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They don't have the biggest payroll, and they don't have the most star-studded line-up, but you know what the Padres do have? The only mascot in sports who can club your ass with a bat, touch himself under his robe without anyone knowing it and then absolve himself of all sins back in his confessional. This is why I've always been drawn to the Padres.

The strategy for the Pads this year is the same as always: assemble a solid pitching staff, view offensive output as purely optional and just count on the Dodgers and Giants to screw the pooch. In recent years, this strategy has been enormously successful.

The Dodgers spent a bazillion dollars on Jason Schmidt and the Giants spent a bazillion and a half on Barry Zito, while the Padres biggest offseason move was to sign a 41-year-old pitcher who ranked 23rd in the NL last year in ERA. And still, San Diego will still probably have the best pitching staff in the division next year, provided that Jake Peavy bounces back a little bit. He hasn't been the same since he did this. Neither has his wife.

Offensively, the Padres have a chance to go from "incredibly weak" to "marginally weak." Marcus Giles replaces Josh Barfield at second base, and Kevin Kouzmanoff (.656 slugging percentage in the minors last year) replaces the collection of dickbags the Padres used at third base last year. It's an improvement, but it still leaves Adrian Gonzalez, Brian Giles and Khalil Greene as your best bats.

You know what, though? Fuck offense. We don't need it. Give us two outs per inning, and make us use Wiffle Ball bats, and we'll still win the division. True, we can't hit ... but in Petco Park, against Peavy, Maddux, and Chris Young, neither can anyone else.

One concern is the loss of Bruce Bochy as manager. GM Kevin Towers let him walk to San Francisco without even putting up a fight, and replaced him with some character named Bud Black. I know just two things about Bud Black: One, he can't be worse than Norv Turner. And two, I used to get his baseball cards when I was a child, and his mustache scared me. He had a classic molester 'stache. It was the mustache of a man with something to hide.

I'm expecting nothing less than the NL West championship, which will probably then be followed by a quick flameout in the playoffs. I'm OK with that, though, provided that the Giants or Dodgers don't get that far.

New Padres second baseman Marcus Giles was handcuffed, detained and escorted from Qualcomm Stadium during Sunday's Chargers playoff game after getting involved in a fight on the stadium's club level, according to police. Police said Giles and a friend were involved in a fight with at least one other person, who slipped away before being caught.

So maybe THIS is why LaDainian Tomlinson was so angry after the game. Or maybe someone said, "Hey, look, that's Shawne Merriman, he does steroids, what a tool," and then Giles attacked him.

Marcus Giles Detained After Fight At Qualcomm [San Diego Union-Tribune]

Nothing wrong with this picture — save for the shirt, of course — but we really were due for one of these, lest we forget our mission to infect the sports world with a nasty case of the Voyeurs.

By the way, we think this would be cooler if Peavy were wearing the Padres camouflage uniforms.

Peavy Hits The Bottle [HotFoot]

• 6-4-2, A Dodgers-Angels Double Play. Grittle Me This: Mets 4, Dodgers 1. "Why wasn't James Loney brought in, instead of Julio Lugo and moving Jeff Kent to first? Why are Mark Hendrickson and Brett Tomko on the team? After this outrageous postseason, will Kenny Lofton find a job on a major league team again? (You could ask the same question of Tomko and Hendrickson.) How in the h-e-double-toothpicks did this team even get into the postseason? Not much longer now. Don't they look peaceful in there?"

• Baseball Toaster: Dodger Thoughts. "Sorry, not giving up. Been through too much. The odds have gone downhill — so be it. I've lived through 1981, 1988. I lived through September 2006. It's rough, but I like being in the playoffs too much to turn my back on the Dodgers. Saturday's game has been set for 4:35 p.m. See you there."

• Gaslamp Ball. "This is not the Padres team of 2005. This is not the Padres team of 1996. The feelings that most of us are having right now are more like 1984 feelings. We were optimistic of the post-season back then. Then the Cubs smacked the Padres in the mouth ... twice! We were depressed. We were mad. And do you think we just rolled over? NO! Dammit. We BELIEVED! So, for all you youngsters out there with your iPods and your myspace and your TRL do not despair. There is no Cardinal mystique. There will be a Game 3 and a Game 4 and there sure as hell will be a Game 5 and then a Game 1 again! This franchise has done it once before and they can do it again."

• San Diego Spotlight. "All the talk is going to be about Pujols ... How can you let him beat you? You should have walked him...You botched the rundown, etc. It is true that Albert Pujols should be the one person that the San Diego Padres should know better than to mess with at this point. But to concentrate on Prince Albert the Pompous is silly. If you hold a lineup with the street cred of the St. Louis Cardinals to 2 runs, you should win the game. Period. I don't CARE who scored the runs, or who drove them in...If you would have told me at noon that the Cardinals were going to score two measley runs I would have been planning the victory dance. It's gonna take a miracle or Robin Williams doing stand up in the on-deck circle for us to see game five."

• Ducksnorts. "Okay, so what are some good things that happened on Thursday at Petco Park? It was tough, but I managed to find a few: Navy SEALS parachuting onto the field before the game; Trevor Hoffman receiving a guitar autographed by AC/DC's Angus Young before the game; Trevor Hoffman catching the ceremonial first pitch from Lee Smith; Ryan Klesko lining a sharp pinch single to left in what might have been his final home at-bat as a member of the San Diego Padres; Tremendous crowd support throughout the game even when the team was busy sucking eggs; Not having to watch the Cardinals celebrate in our house this year."

So, we're to Game 2 of this NLDS, and we're still not ready. You can say the Cardinals have a 1-0 lead, but not only is Jeff Weaver pitching today, but if the series goes the full five games, he will also start Game 5 ... on three days rest! So yeah: This probably needs to be taken care of in four.

It's the St. Louis Cardinals at the San Diego Padres. Your starters are Weaver for the Cards and David Wells for the Padres. It's a Yankees fan's dream matchup.

The live blog is after the jump. Feel free to taunt us in the comments and email Rick with your input.

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Pregame:

Karl Ravich: "The Cardinals do some high-fiving as they prepare to meet the Cardinals in Game Two." No stone will be left unturned in this one.

And our first commenter is ... Jen P. "violent spams? I'm sorry I wasn't here to see that ..."

Actually, we did receive a couple of those.

Welcome to The Show, and hello to all of you Tampa Bay Devil Rays fans who are here on the orders of Tommy Lasorda. Only 25 outs to go.

Top of the First:

Boomer, set loose on the gals of San Diego! You're with me, top of the first.

"You do not want to be diving into the bag with Albert Pujols running right at you." Thanks Boomer.

Bottom of the First

Poker? Norman Chad? Am I dreaming?

Oh, the game switched to ESPN. Whew!

Adrian Gonzalez = stud.

OUT! at the plate. ... and ... oh no! J.D. Drew is following him to home!

Top of the Second

I haven't seen quite enough replays of that play at the plate. Hey, what are those ripples on the top of the Padres' batting helmets? Also, we admire parents who name their children Geoff. Jeff just not quite good enough ... and there's a homer ... back, back, back ... foul! So our first "back, back, back!" comes early.

Bottom of the Second

Tommy Lasorda ... preaching to the choir. For these commercial spots to be effective, shouldn't they be running during "Crossing Jordan" on A&E?

David Wells' curve kind of reminds you of a rainbow after a nice storm? Wha ...?

Top of the Third

Seeing an old photo of a skinny David Wells is actually quite frightening.

"We'll be right back with an interview with Padres' manager Bruce Bochy" ... followed by an Lunesta ad. "Do you lie awak at night, unable to sleep?" ...

Top of the Fourth

We're not sure what we think about these live interviews of coaches. Among other things, the double over Preston Roberts' head occurs during the interview. What's next? Interviews of players in the field?

Pujols comes through, as Will knew he would. Oh man, a scoring nightmare on this one. Safe at second? You cannot be serious! Where was everyone?

So Boomer pretty much jinxed the Padres with that Bochy interview, I think we can all agree. "Wells in playoff form" indeed.

Will Leitch Update: Currently hanging from revolving fan, which is set to "medium".

That was one sweet catch by Dave Roberts. Boomer calls them "Redbirds." That seems wrong, somehow.

An inning called by Chris Berman, followed by a Taco Bell ad, kind of synchs rather nicely. "I'm full!"

Even better: An inning called by Chris Berman followed by an ad for "Jackass II." Sorry. That was mean.

Bottom of the Fourth

I'm kind of freezing my hinder off right now, and I don't really apprecaite watching all those "sun-drenched" Padres fans in shirtsleeves calling for the beer vendor. Hey, one of 'em is entering the Padres dugout, and Wells is pulling a five out of his wallet.

Top of the Fifth

Was that a pickoff of Molina, or simply the slowest steal attempt ever? And now we have Wells giving up a single to Weaver, which is always fun. He's now hitting .139. You know this bodes well for the Cardinals. Oops, Eckstein double play.

"We'll talk to Tony LaRussa after we return." Uh oh. Sorry, Will.

After seeing that FLOMAX commercial, I long for those Applebee's guys.

Jerry checks in, with a good point: "I didn't read Tuesday's blog, so I don't know if you noticed that Berman
"literally pulled the string" on his curveball. Today he said the Padres might "appeal to a higher power...literally". What the ... ? It's torture enough watching my teams decade long mental block with the Cardinals, in which a 2-0 deficit feels like 15-0, but to have to listen to Berman butcher the word "literally" and become obsessed with shadows is more than I can bear. Kill me now."

Bottom of the Fifth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0

All right, THE WIND IS GOING OUT TO RIGHT FIELD. We get it.

After that play by Scott Rolen at third, we just kind of get the feeling that the Cardinals are destined for good things here. The Cardinals and Padres have played 69 post-season innings, Boomer tells us, and San Diego has held leads in just four of them.

Now Klesko gets things going with a single. Two on, two out. So long, David Wells.

No, Jeff Weaver has not pulled a switcheroo with his brother. Strikeout ends the inning.

Top of the Sixth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Another hit (single) for Pujols. To right. Pujols 4x7 in series. And now Cards have just grounded into sixth double play of the series. Will sets ceiling fan to "high", revolves nervously.

Bottom of the Sixth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Weaver is out, and we have our first Boomerism. Now pitching, Randy "Linoleum" Flores. That's so 1970s.

Brian Giles grounds out, Barfield strikes out.

Adrian Gonzalez single, prompting LaRussa to go to the bullpen. A righty? Really? Josh Kinney.

Josh Bard did not like that call for a second strike. Jawing at umpire. Um, again with the "shadows"?

Bard K. Padres gone.

Top of the Seventh, Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Run, you %$^&*#@ brownie! Run!

Juan Encarnacion grounds out to second for first out. Looper up in the bullpen. We hope Meredith sticks around a bit, because we love that sidearm mojo. (submarine)?

Edmonds K. Belliard up. Another K.

Bottom of the Seventh, Cardinals 2, Padres 0..

Josh Kinney to pitch to Mike Cameron, who has one of SD's two hits.

Another closeup of Mike Piazza, just watching. Cameron flies out to left for the first out.

It's Russell Branyan time! Ah, he grounds out to first for the second out. If you're a Padres fan, that sinking feeling must be settling in about now.

Geoff Blum will rock your world, St. Louis. Things we'd like to not hear about for the rest of the game: Shadows. That's about it, really.

Blum walks, bringing us ... Piazza!

Piazza lines out to right. Good night, sweet Padres.

Top of the Eighth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Clay Hensely to the mound. Molina pops out weakly to center. Is it just us, or has this game slipped from exciting to catatonic? Rodriguez flies out to the warning track, brining up Eckstein.

Eckstein fans. But ... apparently not. Evidently he got a piece of the pitch. Padre suffering prolonged. We like the closeup of the guy wearing the old Padre brown jersey. Eckstein grounds out to short.

Bottom of the (yawwwwn) Eighth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

What can you say about Albert Pujols? Never enough, according to ESPN. As much as we love seeing him in the playoffs, we get the feeling that he is going to be the next NCAA Chevy Trucks commercial ... ominpresent, to the point of madness. Get used to Pujols closeups after every out. You will be seeing him in your sleep.

Tyler Johnson, Columbia, Missouri native, will now pitch to Dave Roberts. Yow ... struck out looking. 1 out.

Time for the hitting stylings of Brian Giles. Another K, looking. We've never really noticed Johnson this year, but he looks pretty nasty here. That curve is pretty much unhittable. Two out.

Padres have nine hits and one run in series ... make that 10 hits, as Barfield doubles down the line in left. Adam Wainwright is pitching, by the way. We would never take Johnson out of a game, ever. Gonzalez hitting. The Padres' season may be hanging on this.

Gonzalez grounds out to second. This is over.

Will Leitch update:. Will is telling everyone within earshot, "This is not over."

Top of the Ninth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Does anyone know, do Padres' fans have the same reputation for leaving the game early as Dodgers fans? We seem to see very few empty seats. Well, a 2-0 score in the playoffs will do that, we suppose.

Preston Wilson pops out, 1 gone.

Your Chevrolet Player of the Game, Albert Pujols, will now take a few swings.

A shot to left, which goes for a double. Shadows can't stop The Poo.

Rolen popout to first. 2 outs. Juan Encarnacion infield single.

Edmonds walks, bringing up Belliard. Bases loaded, folks.

Ladies and gentelmen, the Scott Linebrink Experience. And on his first offering, Belliard pops out to second. Thanks, and drive safely!

Bottom of the Ninth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Dr. Phil would like Dennis to quit staying out late and get a clue. Stupid remote.

Adam Wainwright pitching to The Bard.

Molina throws out Bard on a "little nubber" in front of the plate. No, he wasn't bunting. Althougfh he probably should have been. Cameron at bat now. He was always our favorite Mariner when we lived in Redmond.

Yow, wild pitch to the screen. Is Charlie Sheen pitching?

Cameron strikes out. 2 outs. We never liked Cameron.

But don't lose hope Padres fans, because once again, it's Russell Branyan time!

And San Diegop is down to its last strike ... a term we never really understood, because what if he gets on base? Don't they get three more?

STRIKE THREE.

We hestitate to call this series, because of that whole Red Sox-Yankees thing in '04 (plus, there's the AL Central race this year). But going to St. Louis down 2-0, we suspect that Wells can finally quit worrying about watching his weight.

We miss the skinny high school David Wells.

We appreciate all readers for putting up with our initial live blogging efforts. Thanks for not killing us too much.

Final Will Leitch Update: There is a trail of discarded clothing leading out the front door, and an elderly woman passed out on the sidewalk. See you for Game 3.

So we thought we'd check in with the blogs from the losing teams yesterday and see how they're hanging in.

• The Detroit Tigers Weblog: I'm not saying this loss was bad luck or anything of the sort. The Tigers were beat. But they weren't outslugged. They weren't scared. They weren't playing like a team that was just swept by the Royals. I'm encouraged. The Tigers deserve to be here and they played like it.

• Gas Lamp Ball:I just got back from the game. I think I may try to drink away my troubles and any recollection of today's game. ... Anyways, It was just a frustrating game. Dave Roberts did his best to win the game by himself, but couldn't quite pull it off. I'm very disappointed, but at the same time, this was probably the Cardinals best chance at a win and they got it. Now we just have to show up for the rest of the games.

• Bat-Girl: Ah, no, you didn't expect this to be easy, did you? You didn't expect it to go according to plan. For if you did, then I'm sorry, but you have been watching some other team this season, and for that I am both sorry for you and a wee bit jealous, because sometimes having a plan has real benefits, like keeping your fans from chewing off their own arms. For instance.

All in all, everyone's hanging in OK. Though let's see what happens if anybody falls down 0-2.

Game 1: The Day After [The Detroit Tigers Weblog]
A Post In Which I Question Bruce Bochy's Decisions And Jake Peavy's Lack Of Humility [Gas Lamp Ball]
All Right, If You Want To Be That Way ... [Bat-Girl]

You're goddamned right it is. It might not be healthy, but it's the playoffs, and it's the Cardinals and Padres, and we're going to see the computer through all the blood.

It's the NLDS, and we're absolutely not ready.

It's the St. Louis Cardinals at the San Diego Padres.

The human drama that will be this live blog is after the jump. Feel free to taunt us in the comments and email us with your input. In case we still have some updating problems, we'll be posting each half inning in the comment boxes as well.

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Bottom Of The Ninth Inning

All right. We are about to enter our seventh hour of live blogging. We can't believe we're going to do this again tomorrow. Though if the Cardinals lose here, we probably won't. So root for this to finish up ... or don't, we guess.

Wainwright is kind of cruising. We will say this: We feel about 4,000 times more comfortable with Wainwright closing than if Jason Isringhausen were in right now. Not a Cardinals fan on earth who doesn't think the exact same thing. And hey, it's Ryan Klesko ... alive!

Not for long ... popped to left, and that's the ballgame. That was ... weirdly easy. But don't worry, Padres fans: Did you guys realize that JEFF WEAVER is starting Thursday? Feel better? Because you should.

FINAL SCORE: Cardinals 5, Padres 1.

Top Of The Ninth Inning

Sorry: In a four-run game, the top of the ninth inning is way too early to be giving out players of the game awards. Unacceptable.

Chan Ho "Sometimes When You Have To Make Sure That, If You Have An Automatic Transmission, Your Car Will Not Roll Off The Road, You Have To Shift Into" Park is motoring, but Aaron Miles — a guy who couldn't hit in Denver — singles into right. Tony LaRussa has sex dreams about Miles, we're absolutely certain of it.

Not tonight, though: Miles stupidly gets double off second base on an Eckstein grounder, and we go to the bottom of the ninth. Here we go.

Cardinals 5, Padres 1

Bottom Of The Eighth Inning

Tyler Johnson remains in the game to pitch to Dave Roberts and (presumably) Brian Giles. It's a shame, because Johnson, while a relatively decent pitcher, is neither ole Stinkhat Steve Kline nor the gloriously rotund Ray King. They always added some character to our men in red. Tyler Johnson even has a boring name.

He does fine with Roberts, but Giles plunks — warning: we are starting to run out of verbs — a double into right. Johnson stays in to pitch to this Adrian Gonzalez character, who grounds out to second. Two down. And if that's Tony LaRussa, that's a double switch.

Surprisingly, LaRussa goes to rookie closer — and next year's rotation guy, most likely — Adam Wainwright, who has an extra W in his name, for four outs. And he gets the first one when Piazza grounds out to a diving Pujols, and just three outs to go.

Cardinals 5, Padres 1

Top Of The Eighth Inning

We've got a Chan Ho Park sighting, which is kind of a beautiful thing. Where's Fernando Tatis when we need him? (Oh, that's right, he showed up, strangely, in Baltimore this year.) Rolen takes a plunk in the back, and the sound the thump makes sounds like "Ho" and "Park," but not "Chan."

Belliard takes care of that with a double play, and Chan Ho is ON FIRE.

Cardinals 5, Padres 1

Bottom Of The Seventh Inning

So Taguchi is in the game. Here's something crazy about So Taguchi: He's 37 years old. He's like the Japanese Dick Clark. (Before Dick Clark had, you know, a stroke. You're with us here, yes?) We really wish Berman wouldn't say fuhgedabboutit.

Argh! Branyan drills a triple into the gap ... and Edmonds dives for it! Whaddya doin', Jim? Perhaps he was reacting to a play from half an hour ago; he wasn't actually that close. He stays in the game, but he is twirling an imaginary cane.

By the way, we have NO IDEA what's happening with the site right now. Somehow, we have Defamer and other Gawker Media posts on our site. Look out, it's Fleshbot! Duck! (They're working on it, we're told.)

Carpenter's out of the game, and it's the Cardinals bullpen, where nothing bad ever happens. Tyler Johnson is coming in ... and he immediately hits Josh Bard, and the bases are loaded. And the tying run is at the plate. And ... holy crap.

Mark Bellhorn do