According to ESPN.com, via Schefter, Edwards has been traded to the Jets. This is a somewhat surprising move for several reasons—one of which is that the Jets are actually kind of good and handing a headcase to their rookie quarterback will certainly not help his poise. Also, the NFL is still investigating whether Edwards violated their conduct policy by punching a friend of LeBron James, so that's another headache they don't need.

ALSO: Michael Crabtree is finally a 49er, but he's pretty much already squandered his rookie year and will likely be playing catchup for his entire career so we don't have to think about him anymore.

Source: Braylon Edwards of Cleveland Browns traded to New York Jets [ESPN]
San Francisco 49ers, Michael Crabtree agree to contract [ESPN]
Braylon heads to Broadway [PFT]

Wha' Happen? [Randball]

Filmed by Gawker video wizard Mike Byhoff

Mike Ornstein is not part of the wide receiver's football negotiations, but he says Crabtree is "not under the gun" to sign a football contract any time soon, thanks to $750,000 in endorsements that Ornstein and his partner have already secured. I sure hope those are guaranteed dollars because commercial endorsements don't carry much weight when they come from unemployed people. Crabtree has deals with Subway, Jordan Brand, Upper Deck and Topps-although again, you generally don't get to be on trading cards when you don't own a football uniform.

Only in the last sentence of this article does Ornstein admit that Crabtree would have significantly more endorsement dollars had he already signed—yet another reason why rookie holdouts are extremely counterproductive. Of course, this is after he declares Crabtree "the Reggie Bush of this draft." Is that because he has such a marketable personality, he likes curvy reality stars, or because Bush fired Ornstein after his rookie year?

Ornstein: Marketing cash keeps pressure off holdout Crabtree [Sports Business Journal]

Game Notes:

• Frog played better defense, but had eyes covered by helmet most of game.

• Gerbil bit videographer Mike Byhoff and drew blood.

• Frog urinated close to own end zone and at mid-field.

• Gerbil chewed through face mask of 49ers helmet.

• Frog leaped out of stadium.

Filmed by Gawker video guru Mike Byhoff

49ers over Seahawks [49ers.com]

Nate has a learning disability similar to dyslexia, which impedes his reading skills and overall comprehension. So despite dominating MAC competition at Ball St, Davis fell to the 5th round of this year's draft because pro scouts deemed him-like Vince Young-too stupid to play in the NFL.

To those scouts, Nate says suck it in his own simple words:

I know that every team was a little hesitant taking me because of my learning disability. You know what? I came off and I was honest during the (NFL Scouting) combine. I came out and the first thing I told them was, 'Listen, I have a learning disability.' I wasn't going to hide nothing. I wanted them to know, and that I can overcome it, too.

No problem. Nate's been tearing it up in preseason thanks to a special, Dr. Seussified playbook replete with pictures instead of all that wacky play-calling lingo (RED 76 SELENIUM!) liable to confuse Stephen Hawking.

And since Alex Smith and Shaun Hill — the QBs ahead of Nate on the roster — have disabilities of their own (throwing disabilities), don't be surprised to see Nate start much, much sooner than any of those nay saying scouts could've ever predicted.

Despite Learning Disability, 49ers QB Nate Davis Earns NFL Job [Fanhouse]

The Cowboys insane video scoreboard and it's special teams abilities will be a hot topic of broadcaster conversation at every Dallas home game (and some away games) this year, so bloggers—as is their wont—have been forced to invent a drinking game. A brief selection from the rules:

6. One shot if the broadcast cuts to Jerry Jones' uneasy face after Andy Lee punts the ball into his scoreboard.

7. Two shots if Coach Mike Singletary looks amused with Andy Lee punting the ball into the scoreboard.

8. One shot if any broadcaster makes an analogy between the new Cowboy Stadium and the Death Star.

It might not be that fun, but I guarantee you'll be passed out before halftime.

Andy Lee Drinking Game [Niners Nation]

1. Because I'm still enjoying their fall from grace. Lest you have any sympathy for the 49ers during their prolonged run of shittiness this decade, please do take the time to remember just how fucking obnoxious this franchise was in the 80's and 90's. This was the franchise that tried to give Chris fucking Berman a Super Bowl ring. This was the franchise that was run by a convicted asshole racketeer who continually forced the idea that the 49ers were the NFL's classiest franchise down your throat. This was the franchise that invented winning titles with as little personality as humanly possible, well before Bill Belichick ever thought of it. This was the franchise that paid players under the table. This was the franchise that taught John Madden how to suck dick. Long before Brett Favre came into the league, Madden was privy to working the 49ers' shaft like he was being paid in platinum bars for it. This was the franchise that gave us Brent Jones, who was Dallas Fucking Clark before Dallas Fucking Clark was Dallas Fucking Clark. This was the franchise that always carried the air of being above the rest of the NFL, acting like their farts smelled like rose petals and honeysuckle.

Well, the tide has turned, you fucks. You thought you were so highfalutin. You thought you were the only franchise that did things "the right way". Well, look at you now. You're homecoming fodder, and you play in a windswept port-a-potty of a shithole stadium. There's no precious Bill Walsh to make you feel all crazy smart, 49er fans. He's been replaced by a trou-dropping lunatic. And you have one of the worst ownership situations in all of sport. You fucking suck, and you deserve to suck for as long as you have, if not much longer. This is what you get when you act all high and mighty, you fucking pieces of shit. I'd say more mean thing about the 49ers fans, but they probably stopped following the team sometime around 1999.

2. Look who's replaced the Cardinals as the most hilariously inept team in the NFC West. Let's go back to November 10th of last year, shall we? The 49ers loss to the Cardinals that night was the kind of loss the Cardinals used to suffer from. Alas, now it's your turn, 49ers. It was your team that took 30 seconds to spike the ball at the 1 with 56 seconds left. It was your team that elected to run the ball on second down when they had no timeouts left and clearly should have passed. It was your team that got a break from the refs to review the play and then used the opportunity to call a failed dive play for Michael fucking Robinson on the game's final play. That's a downright Lionish fate. And while Mike Martz is gone, the man in charge that day remains. Enjoy.

3. Nothing beats drafting a wideout high, failing to sign him, and failing to provide a decent QB for him to work with. From Montana to Young to Garcia, no team was able to transition to new quarterbacks like the 49ers did. Now they have the delightful Alex Smith-Shaun Hill diarrhea combo plate. You people are going to RUIN Frank Gore and Glen Coffee, you know that?

4. Most overrated city ever? Most overrated city ever. Talk to anyone who lives in San Francisco and they'll adopt that uniquely arrogant, only-in-California attitude that they live in the most perfect place on fucking Earth. "We go mountain biking! And we only eat locally grown produce! We could ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon if we ever tried!" Fuck right off, San Franciscans. I've been to your supposedly flawless little burg. It's dirty. There are methadone clinics every five feet. You need to wear a fucking sweater there during July. Homeless people litter the streets and shit in the alleyways. And visiting Napa Valley is like visiting a really shrubby desert populated with fucktard wine snobs and rich liberal hedge fund owners. Fuck you, fuck your seafood, and fuck your shitty team.

Although I do love saying the name San Francisco. Say it really fast and with a Spanish accent. SANFRANSEESSSSSCO! It's a fun name to pronounce, like Hebert.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Crabtree's cousin/advisor/miscellaneous hanger-on, David Wells, has been advising the 49ers draftee to hold out, all season if need be. Here's an article Crabtree needs to read.

The first thing you need to know about Wells is that he made his name as a bail bondsman. But if a man whose company's motto is "U Ring, We Spring," isn't enough to turn you off, back in 2002 the Dallas Observer did a story that makes you wonder why he isn't in jail, let alone advising a top young athlete.

A partial list of curious episodes before and during Wells's time as head of David's Bail Bonds:

•Arrested for stealing boxing gloves from the Dallas Police Athletic League.

•Banned for life by USA Boxing over allegations of misuse of funds.

•Served as the omnipresent bodyguard shoving reporters out of the way for Michael Irvin after his arrest for possession.

•Indicted for serving as a private investigator with a license that had lapsed four years earlier, but exonerated after a dubious receipt appeared showing he had renewed it.

•Let off the hook for $50,000 when one of his clients skipped town, after a dubious document appeared showing he had warned the county.

•Started a security company with a court bailiff, which is illegal due to conflict-of-interest rules.

So, Michael Crabtree, when this man tells you $23 million guaranteed isn't enough money for you, you really ought to get a second opinion.

Bail Me [Dallas Observer]

Crabtree was picked No. 10 overall by San Francisco this year, but has not signed a contract. The 49ers have offered him what tradition says that a No. 10 pick should make, yet his agent wants more. Way more. However, according to ProFootballTalk, he hasn't even made a counteroffer. So now they're going to sit and stare at each other until someone blinks.

The sticking point seems to be Maryland receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey. (Isn't it always?) He already signed a contract with the Oakland Raiders for $38 million ($23 guaranteed) and Crabtree wants to make more than that, because he thinks he's a better wideout. That may or may not be true, but Heyward-Bey was picked seventh by the Oakland Raiders and then grossly overpaid. So Crabtree's agent is now holding him out and attempting to "blow up" the prearranged "slotting" system for draft negotiations, simply because Al Davis is insane.

Now David Wells, an "adviser" to Crabtree who is also his cousin, is telling ESPN that Crabtree is ready to sit out the entire 2009 season and re-enter the draft just to prove his point. A point that would ruin Crabtree's entire career. He already missed all of the 49ers offseason workouts with an injury and has missed the first 10 days of camp. He can't go back to school, and when has a year of no football ever improved someone's career? (See: Mike Williams.) A holdout during a rookie season creates a chain reaction of setbacks that most players who attempt it never recover from. If he doesn't get to camp soon, this one big contract will probably be the only one he gets.

Of course, if agent Eugene Parker can somehow get No. 6 money for his No. 10 player, that would destroy the unwritten rules of rookie contracts that keep the NFL from imploding each fall. It would also make Eugene Parker extremely rich, not only now, but especially in future years. Oh, wait! Eugene Parker is already extremely rich! (Some of the rules in place to control rookie salaries are there because of him.) I think Crabtree needs a solid start to his rookie season more than Eugene Parker needs another house.

Source: Parker tells Niners that Crabtree will re-enter draft [PFT]
Adviser: San Francisco 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree ready to sit out, re-enter draft in 2010 [ESPN]
Agent's need for a big payday could be misleading Crabtree [Sacramento Bee, via Yahoo]

Amusingly, about half of the SI story centers around Brodie's quasi-hippie-philosophical leadership and how Scientology provided him with the foundation for his success after an arm injury almost cost him his career. Obviously, this story predates any Tom Cruise furniture hopping antics but there's no question that Brodie was heavily devoted and determined to follow-through with his quest for The Clear. The author of the piece, Robert F. Jones, can't help but snicker when describing the role of Scientology in Brodie's comeback:

The hierophant in question is L. Ron Hubbard, a reformed science-fiction writer and the founding prophet of Scientology. And what, you might ask, is Scientology? Gather around the Sacred Computer, heathens, and harken to the Holy Bleep.

After going into explicit details about this newfangled "California" religion, Jones relies upon Brodie to fill in the blanks about how L.Ron Hubbard saved him. Brodie is a little less heavy on the Thetan-speak than some of the more vocal celebrity Scientologists we see popping up today, but he was definitely hooked on L.Ron's gospel:

"Early last season my arm was bothering me. Ever since I broke it in 1963, it hadn't been completely right. A friend of mine suggested that I take a crack at Scientology, just to see if I couldn't clear it up. Maybe it was psychosomatic-a 'service facsimile' that I called up from the past to justify my failure or, in fact, to set up another failure and another gratifying session of self-pity. Well, I know it's hard to believe, but after just two hour-long sessions my arm got better and it's been right ever since. I've gone a long way since then-I'm just a step short of 'clear.' For the first four months of my preclear, I didn't say a word to my wife or kids. But Susan could tell that something was going on. Finally she asked me what I was doing, what was changing me. Now she and the four kids are into Scientology, too. In fact, Susan will probably beat me to clear."

Brodie continued to practice Scientology for the next the next 11 years and was one of the first celebrity members to reach OTVII, one of the highest levels of Scientology super-advancement, a level recently held by Cruise, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman and other wacky celebs. But Brodie soured on it around 1982 after some Scientology henchmen were overly-aggressive with some of his friends and he denounced Scientology's methods by saying The Church "didn't treat certain members fairly."

I'm kind of amazed more popular athletes aren't practicing Scientlogists, given how malleable (and super rich) these guys are coming out of college. And most athletes are already hard-wired to process various self-help and motivational techniques, so this would seem like a logical extension of their professional m.o. You know, the tenets of "Live Strong" and Dianetics aren't that different.

But how would the public react if they find out that, say, Tom Brady's remarkable comeback was partially from aggressive rehabilitation, but also helped along by a thorough self-auditing? Orif Brett Favre's resistance to retirement wasn't motivated by a desire to keep wining, but because he needs to maintain his public appearances in order to achieve OTVII. Coincidentally, the first person Favre did an on-air interview with was Greta Van Susteren — a practicing Scientologist. Dun..dun..dun...

The Prime Of Mr. John Brodie [SI]

Just how did Crabtree fall into Mike Singletary's lap at No. 10, when Mel Kiper and the ESPN Super Friends had him locked in as a Top 5 pick?

Factor No. 1: Al Davis, still quite insane. Still living in some bizarre, Austin Powers 1960s world where the Fred Biletnikoff Award is given to the actual Fred Biletnikoff, Davis passed on Crabtree and instead used the Raiders' hard-earned No. 7 pick on something called a Darrius Heyward-Bey. The Maryland receiver, North America's fastest land mammal, is proof that Tom Cable is no more in charge than any of his predecessors. Davis thinks the West Coast Offense is for pantywaists and doily enthusiasts, and that will never change. He wants to stretch the field, the Raider way. Hey, why mess with a philosophy that's worked only sporadically since 1985?

Factor No. 2: Crabtree is, evidentally, a dick. From Tony Grossi's blog in the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

The Texas Tech receiver brought a diva attitude on his visit to the club facility last week and did not impress coach Eric Mangini and others, the source said. In fact, Crabtree was described by some in the building as "not nice."

Not nice? Oh heavens, I do believe I've got the vapors. You Browns fans be sure to pick some nice wildflowers to give to Brady Quinn before each home game this year.

Factor No. 3: His foot sets off airport metal detectors. OK, this may be a legitimate concern. Crabtree was found to have a stress fracture in his left foot at the scouting combine in February. The injury was surgically repaired when a screw was inserted to permanently strengthen the area on March 4. He has been cleared to run and is expected to be back to full strength by the start of training camp. Of Crabtree's speed, Singletary said: "I don't know how fast he is. I just know when he catches the ball, there's separation there." The Rams passed on Crabtree at No. 2, even though they needed a receiver, and that may have been why. Or perhaps they suck.

Anyway, Crabtree's father, also named Michael, is not amused.

"It's their loss," he said of the Raiders. "It was the same way with Adrian Peterson (No. 7 overall to the Vikings in 2007). He proved them wrong. It's Michael's time to prove them wrong."

So, Michael Crabtree: The next Jerry Rice or JJ Stokes? If it's the latter, you can be assured that he'll be on my fantasy team..

The Case For Darrius-Heyward Bey [SFGate]
Davis Draft Doctrine Lords Over Selections [San Francisco Chronicle]
Crabtree Says He's 'Still The Top Receiver' Despite Slide To No. 10 [USA Today]

Photo: National Post (which has since fixed it).

This definitely is a sign of the times. It was only four years ago that Smith, the No. 1 overall pick by the 49ers, signed a six-year, $49.5 million contract. But injuries and general suckitude led to career numbers of 19 touchdown passes and 31 interceptions in 32 games, leading the Niners to let him go last season.

Smith, however, has seen the life story of Ryan Leaf, and does not intend to participate in a sequel. The 49ers announced today that they've restructured his contract, and while the exact salary isn't known, Pro Football Talk estimates that it's in the $2 million-to-$3 million range. Smith would have made $9.625 million this season under his old deal.

"Alex expressed a deep desire to remain with the team and that feeling was mutual," general manager Scot McCloughan said in a statement.

Actually that's not total spin; Smith, now presumably recovered from a shoulder injury, probably could have made a bit more signing with another team. But what other team would give him the opportunity to compete for a starting spot with Shaun Hill?

Niners Restructure QB Smith's Contract [National Post]
Smith, 49ers Agree To New Deal [San Francisco Chronicle]
Alex Smith Does A New Deal [Pro Football Talk]

Warner said that he "definitely" was interested in the 49ers, and that the trip to San Francisco on Monday was not merely a ploy for contract leverage. (People in the Bay Area feel differently). He said that San Francisco wasn't "a good football fit." And then, of course, there was The Big Guy.

"As you guys know, our faith is the most important thing, so we went into it with the idea, ‘Where does God want us? That's where we're going to be,'" Warner said. "No matter what the money is or the situation, that's where we want to be. Very early in the process in San Francisco, as many good things that are out there and what they're building and coach [Mike] Singletary — I had a great time with him and I like what they're building — I just knew very quickly, this [Arizona] is where I was supposed to be.

"I told my wife probably 45 minutes into it that I just felt God say, ‘You're supposed to be in Arizona.' And I told her that. She tried to tell me to stay open [minded] but He just continued to confirm it and that's why on the way back, I called Mark and said, ‘Hey, let's get this thing done.'"

There's Warner in a private jet on the way home, his wife seated next to him saying one thing, God on the other side saying another, and a flight attendant in there asking if he wants a beverage ... what a zoo. I would have been wearing headphones and pretending I was asleep.

Oh, and the idea of visiting the 49ers in the first place? It wasn't God's. Warner said he got the notion from visiting the team's web site.

Warner Says He Was 'Definitely' Serious About Joining 49ers [Pro Football Talk]
Warner Plays 49ers In Free Agency Move [San Francisco Chronicle]
Desert Storm: Cards Break 50-Year Trend, Do Right Thing For Once, Re-Sign Kurt Warner [Radio Interviews.com]

Why the 49ers would want to pay multiple millions for someone to hand off to Frank Gore is beyond me, but they flew Warner in on a private jet on Monday, drove him around in a stretch Range Rover limo, and generally engaged in other ass-kissing activities (weather permitting). This had the desired effect on the Cardinals.

In response, the Cardinals have raised their two-year contract offer from $20 million to $23 million, the NFL Network reported on Monday. Warner led the Cardinals to the Super Bowl last season, but became a free agent when he didn't re-sign with the club. Warner is apparently seeking a deal worth at least $14 million per season.

That's a good start, now let the haggling begin. Warner wants $29 million, and none of this deferred payment silliness that Manny Ramirez is having to deal with in Los Angeles.

Meanwhile, 49ers quarterback Shaun Hill, who went 5-2 as a starter at the end of last season to help head coach Mike Singletary lose the interim designation, drove himself to Taco Bell in a 2003 Hyundai Sonata.

Warner Arrives For Visit With 49ers [San Francisco Chronicle]
Nervous Cardinals Raise Offer To Warner [NBCSports]

I mean, just look at the photo. Does this look like a man who would toy with my team's emotions just to gain a couple of extra bargaining chips? His agent, Mark Bartelstein, would like to point out that there is an invisible halo hovering above Warner at all times.

"People assume things are being done to create leverage and that's not true," Bartelstein said. "Anyone who knows Kurt Warner knows that's not the moral plane he operates under. He would never do something to create leverage."

However, "some feelings have been hurt," according to Bartelstein, who said that Warner was disappointed that he has to go through free agency. He's seeking a two-year contract for $29 million, and the Cardinals offered $20 million over the two years. WWJD?

The 49ers are taking this seriously, even if Warner may not be. The team flew him to San Jose on a private jet, where he and wife Brenda then transferred to a black limo for the ride to the Santa Clara practice facility.

My vote? Negotiating ploy. Why would Warner go to the 49ers, who got rid of Mike Martz so that they could give more emphasis to the running game? Sorry Will.

Let's Not Get Too Excited About Warner [San Francisco Chronicle]
Warner Comes Calling [San Francisco Chronicle]
Warner Watch Begins [Sacramento Bee]