Ouch. Come on, Briere, don't bother starting a fight if you're not going to throw some punches. If all two players are going to do is grapple, fall on the ice and wait for the referees to separate them, what's the point? NHL fans should not have to be subjected to this kind of rubbish. Don't we have to put up with enough already?

Obviously, this is all Gary Bettman's fault. Screw that guy.

For the second time in four years, the winner of the President's Trophy has been bounced from the Stanley Cup Playoffs in the first round. This time it's a six-game defeat by the no-longer-Mighty Ducks, and Sharks fans are probably none too pleased. It's a second straight postseason disappointment for San Jose and the only solution seems to be breaking up the team and starting over.

Or lots of alcohol and bitter tears. If you happen to know any Northern California hockey fans, try not to make any sudden movements around them today.

To ask a man to recap tonight is akin to watching Mr. T punch your significant other in the face while you are getting teabagged by Gilbert Brown.

I'm not really sure what that means, but that sounds bad. On the bright side, you still get to live in San Jose!

The sounds of silence after yet another post-season flameout [Working the Corners]
Sharks again all talk, no playoff substance [Yahoo]
.... [Fear The Fin]

P.S. The Flames were also eliminated by Chicago last night and there are two Game 7s on tap this evening, so buy popcorn.

Actually, Detroit is still chasing San Jose for the top spot in the Western Conference and since this is the last time they will face each other in the regular season, it actually is a critical game in the fight for home-ice advantage. But the real story, the one that I and many old Red Wing fans won't let go of, is Claude Lemieux's first appearance in Joe Louis Arena in six years.

The Sharks inexplicably added the 43-year-old retiree back in January, and he has contributed so little it seems clear that he was picked up simply to annoy Hockeytown. However, Kris Draper says he's over that face-re arranging Claude gave him all those years ago ... and that is just unacceptable. ("I'll try to work on my cliches for you guys over the next couple of days," he says.) Is that any way to fire up an irrationally angry fan base?

Where's the trash talk? The bounties? The tinfoil on the knuckles?

Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios was Lemieux's teammate with the Montreal Canadiens in the 1980s and said he still is an effective pest....

"Whether it was him cheating at cards or (ticking) someone off,'' Chelios said. "But he was young, he'll be the first to admit he got under people's skin on other teams as well as his own team, coaches and everybody. Not the most pleasant guy to be around ...

Thank you, Chris! That's all I'm aski....

... but he had a big heart. I talked to him over the past few years. I like him a lot more than I did back then.''

Oh, come on! You guys are no fun at all!

Old enemy Claude Lemieux ready for Red Wings [MLive]
Draper is over Lemieux, if Red Wings fans aren't [San Jose Mercury News]
Claude Lemieux, back to being Detroit's Public Enemy No. 1 [Puck Daddy]
After 13 Years…Lemieux Is Still Garbage [Abel to Yzerman]
Lemieux back in familiar villain role vs. Red Wings [Detroit News]

Lemieux retired after the 2003 season, but decided last fall that it was time for him to get back in the game. His comeback started in China (seriously) before signing on with the Sharks Worcester affiliate in November. Then yesterday he got the call every young player dreams of. He was going to The Show.

Interesting, isn't it that he joins the Sharks as they suddenly find themselves in the midst of a budding rivalry with the Detroit Red Wings. The teams are separated by three points in the conference standings, but will play only one more regular season game (at Detroit on February 25th.) It's hard to imagine what skills Lemieux has left, besides his ability to agitate and annoy, but does that ever really go away?

So will he stick with the club through February, or better yet, the playoffs? And will the Wings remember—specifically Kris Draper, who got his face rearranged by Claude all the way back in 1996 and Darren McCarty who took his revenge a year later? Both are still on the Wings roster. (McCarty is on IR.)

"I don't blame the guy for trying to make a comeback," Detroit's Kris Draper said Monday. "You're gonna play this game as long as you can. The older you get, the more you realize you just try to stay in as long as you can. He's back. I wish him luck.

"I understand. It was big. The whole city rallied around it. I know as soon as the game gets close, there's going to be a lot of people who want to talk about it again. I guess I'll get my cliches ready for that one as well."

Kirk Maltby was equally unimpressed.

"I think a lot of fans in general hold on to things a lot longer than the players do."

Yes. Yes, we do. But certainly someone on the team must be aggrieved after all this time....

It was a long time ago," Draper said. "I've played a lot of hockey since then."

Drat. You guys are no fun.

Claude Lemieux joins Sharks' lineup [Mercury News]
Draper remains a class-act in discussing Lemieux's comeback [Snap Shots]

After talking up the ferocious Sharks yesterday, they promptly went out and swallowed the explosive oxygen canister known as the Detroit Red Wings. The Wings scored six even-strength goals and used their 1A goalie to shutout the visiting fish in a rather decisive manner. Figures.

The Sharks still lead the western conference standings by seven points, but I think we all know who is in charge here.

WHEEEEE *raises hands* [Front Of The Net]
The Empire Strikes Back; Sharks Lose 6-0. [Fear The Fin]

While everyone is busy drooling over the near perfect records of the Celtics and Lakers, the Sharks are eating up the Western Conference like it's a tiny, screaming Robert Shaw. They are 25-3-3 and have more points at this stage of the season—53 through 31 games—than any team in NHL history. They actually made headlines by losing last night, in overtime, but that just sets the stage for their monster matchup in Detroit against the defending champion Red Wings this evening.

It's as big as a regular season game can get in this day and age and you can watch the action on ... let me see ... oh, right ... nowhere. If you live in one of those markets or have some fancy futuristic satellite device, you can probably find it on the TV tonight, but the rest of us will sit still hoping someone loses an eye* so that game clips will end up on YouTube.

San Jose (25-3-3) at Detroit (20-6-4) [Yahoo]
[Open Thread] Sharks Gameday: Detroit. [Fear The Fin]
Twenty-five stunning numbers from the San Jose juggernaut [Puck Daddy]
Another Hot Goalie Adds a Loss to San Jose's Record [SJ Sharks Blog]
Roundtable for Sharks-Detroit Thursday night game, interview with Sharkspage [SharksPage]

*I really hope no one loses an eye now.

No. 2 San Jose Sharks (49-23-10, 108 Points; Imploded against the Wings in the second round) vs. No. 7 Calgary Flames (42-30-10, 94 Points; Punked out against Detroit in Round One last season)

There are a few reasons to advocate for a Calgary Flames upset of the San Jose Sharks. There's the epitome of class and underrated artistry that is Jarome Iginla. The potential for a violent Phaneuf'ing of a future playoff foe — Lord knows a few of the Ducks could use one. And, if 2004 is any indication, the more Calgary wins in the postseason, the less Flames Girls seem to wear. This is a good thing. Unfortunately, the Flames are playing the Sharks; and the Sharks and going to win the Stanley Cup.

Uh-oh! What, no spoiler warning? Sorry to kill the drama, but the Sharks have been our pick since the start of the season and there's no reason to take a dusty tumble off the bandwagon now. They've only gotten better, as indicated by that streak that saw them escape a regulation loss for the entire month of March. The addition of Brian Campbell at the trade deadline solidified this team's championship credentials, giving it not only a dependable defenseman but one whose mobility has activated the Sharks' offense. Oh, and his sick NHL '94-esque spin-o-rama goals don't hurt, either. The New York Times said Campbell "has been to the Sharks what Ringo Starr was to his new bandmates, the Beatles." Whatever the fuck that quasi-Buccigrossian nonsense means...maybe they're trying to tell us Campbell's never getting into the Hall of Fame as a solo artist.

But there are reasons for concern for San Jose. Like the fact that Joe Thornton is laid-back to the point of near-catatonia and scored one goal in 11 playoff games last year, giving him just nine in 57 career postseason contests. Like the fact that the Sharks went out like a bitch last season, with Coach Ron Wilson publicly placing captain Patrick Marleau under the driver's side tire for blown defensive assignments and general ineffectiveness. And because Calgary has taken three of four games from San Jose this season.

Key Match-Up for San Jose: Evgeni Nabokov vs. Miikka Kiprusoff. After coming into camp as tons-of-fun, Kipper has played well over the last two months and has a career 2.06 GAA in the postseason. Nabokov has also been good (2.17 GAA) in the playoffs; if Calgary is going to have a chance in this series, it needs a couple of clunkers from him.

Key Match-Up for Calgary: Ex-Sharks vs. Current Sharks. Owen Nolan, Wayne Primeau, center Mark Smith and especially Kiprusoff all previously played for San Jose. I believe it was Khan Noonien Singh who once said: "Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold...in spaaaaaace." Of course, there's simply no way Khan could have learned a Klingon proverb while stranded on Ceti Alpha V. (Sorts while laughing, pushes up glasses.)

Worst Case Scenario for San Jose: The Sharks lose inspirational leader Jeremy Roenick for the rest of the playoffs after he begins speaking in a TV interview following Game 1 and then never stops.

Worst Case Scenario for Calgary: Overcome by playoff intensity, Coach Mike Keenan seeks to motivate his team by impaling Kristian Huselius with his own stick.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Sharks in six. Could be one of those series where the Flames win Game 1, everyone gasps, and then San Jose lays the smack down the rest of the way.

Vital YouTubeage: They love them some Craig Conroy up in Calgary, to the point where they croon a sappy love song to him to the tune of "Moon River."

No. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins (47-27-8, 102 Points; Dominated by Ottawa in Round One) vs. No. 7 Ottawa Senators (43-31-8, 94 Points; Allowed a team named the Ducks to place its name on Lord Stanley's Chalice)

There's pregame motivation, and then there's just being stupid.

Herb Brooks's "Dehr time is done...dis is our time!" speech? Pregame motivation at its finest. Jacksonville Jaguars punter Chris Hanson slicing his right leg with an ax during Coach Jack Del Rio's "keep chopping wood" speech in 2003? Fucking idiotic.

The Ottawa Senators' preparations for their first-round series against Pittsburgh fall somewhere in between, but much closer to kicker self-amputation. Forget the new giant photo that hangs near the Ottawa dressing room, one that shows the two teams shaking hands after the Senators' 4-1 win last season; that Penguins team doesn't exist anymore. They're all grows up and they're all grows up and...

The real affront to common sense came when Senators coach Bryan Murray floated the idea that the Penguins intentionally lost their final game of the season to the Flyers because they wanted to play the Senators in the first round. "I knew what was going on. You guys all know — they wanted to play Ottawa," Murray said. "That's fine ... That was fairly obvious from the drop of the puck."

While it's true that Pittsburgh rested Sidney Crosby — who only missed 28 straight games and might like a breather before the playoffs — everyone else saw significant minutes, including starting goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. Can anyone really envision the Penguins preparing to play Game 1 of the Wales Conference Finals in front of a rabid crowd in Montreal, smiling wistfully that they put one over on Ottawa a month earlier?

Besides, we all know the Penguins never throw a hockey game unless it will earn them the No. 1 pick in the draft.

Key Match-Up for Pittsburgh: Time vs. the Knock-Out Punch. The Senators will begin this series missing Daniel Alfredsson, Mike Fisher and Chris Kelly. The longer it goes, the more likely it is they could return to the ice. Pittsburgh should Tyson/McNeely this thing, ASAP.

Key Match-Up for Ottawa: Crappy Goalies vs. Other Crappy Goalies. There isn't another team in the conference (outside of perhaps Philadelphia) whose situation between the pipes negates the nearly automatic disadvantage the Senators have in goal. Fleury was rather awful last season (3.77 GAA) in his first postseason action; Ty Conklin and the playoffs go together about as well as a blowtorch and a Sunoco station. Suddenly, Martin "Sieve" Gerber and that powder keg Ray Emery don't look so bad anymore.

Worst Case Scenario for Pittsburgh: Marian Hossa continues to be a postseason zilch, and Michel Therrien's inherent incompetence as a head coach is too much for the Penguins to overcome.

Worst Case Scenario for Ottawa: The rest of the team's key players get injured, and Ottawa is forced to draft Troy Mallette, Laurie Boschman and Lance Pitlick from the alumni squad to fill in the blanks.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Penguins in five. When the Canadian media is reduced to citing the fact that Ottawa is 3-0 against teams from Pennsylvania in the postseason, it's time to back up the truck.

Vital YouTubeage: Sabres fans offer a musical valentine to Dany Heatley's speed wagon. Stay classy, Buffalo...

They're Going To Need a Bigger Boat. Before we get to this week's Brewmeister Ratings, a few cynical words about the San Jose Sharks. At second overall in the Western Conference, some fans don't believe there's a hell of a lot to bitch about. But last night's 4-3 overtime disintegration against Anaheim spotlighted three of San Jose's lingering migraines: A potentially apocalyptic goaltending situation, defenseman and "Chernobyl's finest living monster" Alexei Semenov, and Jonathan Cheechoo, the biggest tease since Jennifer Love Hewitt — right around "Can't Hardly Wait" and before the pudding ass.

I suppose Ron Wilson has a really well thought-out reason for giving Evgeni Nabokov his first night off in 44 games against the division rival Stanley Cup champions instead of the night before against the expansion Leafs. Especially since it resulted in rookie and boring interview Thomas Greiss giving up four goals on 29 shots to the Ducks, including Doug Weight's lucky deflection with 27.7 left in regulation to tie it and Francois Beauchemin's quick game-winner 33 seconds into OT. The lack of any decent back-up for Nabokov could be a serious deficiency as the postseason nears, leading to talk that an ancient CuJo could land in San Jose - which, according to team sources, ain't gonna happen.

But the game-tying goal was all Semenov's fault, from an inability to clear the puck to it eventually deflecting off of him into the net. Or as Can't Stop the Grier put it: "Standing like a man-made block of lifeless tissue in front of the net with an Abbey-Normal brain in his head - Chernobyl's finest living monster, Semenov, had Doug Weight's shot bounce off his tree-trunk and past Greiss with 28 seconds left, deflating the Sharks and dashing any dreams the team had of pulling off their finest road win of the season. WHY? Why is he on the ice for 17 minutes? Is Ozolinsh dying? Did he hit on Ron Wilson's wife? Did he run off to Mexico with Britney? This turd Semenov is a -8 in 14 games and, for some reason, Ron Wilson continues to run The Monster out there to torture Sharks' fans." Shit, man, don't pussyfoot around on this Semenov thing; how does ye really feel?

As for Cheechoo: 3 shots in about 13 minutes of ice time on the second line, and 5 goals in 37 games. Granted, he scored 28 of his 37 (37? In a row?) goals after Jan. 1 last season, and he's still recovering from off-season double-hernia surgery, so there's hope for the Cheechoo Train to get rolling. But if I'm a Sharks fan, I'm done with this all-or-nothing inconsistency. He's like hockey's answer to Steven Soderbergh.

The Brewmeister Ratings. Power rankings suck. This much, we know. Looking back over the last seven days of NHL action, I've identified the two winners and two losers. And since pseudo-statistical and tedious analysis is the stuff of "power rankings," I describe their fortunes with a form of universal expression: In terms of beer. Welcome to The Brewmeister Ratings...

Winner No. 1: Minnesota Wild. About the only people who aren't thrilled with the Wild's 3-1 week — with wins over Detroit, Chicago and Phoenix — are those who spent a high fantasy draft pick on goalie Niklas Backstrom hoping to trap their way to glory. Josh Harding won all three games, making 93 saves on 97 shots. The Beer They'd Be: A pint of Surly Brewery Brown Ale/Porter/American Pale Ale, held between the glorious Food Network cans of Giada De Laurentiis.

Winner No. 2: Edmonton Oilers. The previously left-for-dead Oilers are back at .500 after beating the Islanders, Coyotes and their Battle of Alberta brothers, Calgary — with wins coming sans their trademarked crutch: A victory in the skills competition. How good are things in Edmonton? Fans are making "Cape Fear"-like tributes to pugilist goon Zach Stortini. The Beer They'd Be: A beat-up bottle of Alley Kat Amber that manages to still taste of malty goodness.

Loser No. 1: Toronto Maple Leafs. The Leafs get a goose egg on a West Coast trip. Stat of the Day: Toronto is 8-13-3 since Tlusty was forced to keep it in his pants. The Beer They'd Be: A flat bottle of Molson Golden with a ripped label — from 1986.

Loser No. 2: Calgary Flames. Three losses, including a blown lead that turned into a shootout loss to the Islanders at home, and a severe case of whiplash as they watched Dion Phaneuf's price tag rise in a post-Ovechkin contract world. The Beer They'd Be: A long-neck of Leinenkugel that Mike Keenan has been yelling at for the last 48 hours straight.

Puck Headlines

* The Rangers want to close out Yankee Stadium with a Winter Classic, and the NY Daily News has the shitty photo illustration to prove it. I don't know; I always figured that the last thing I'd see before Yankee Stadium closes would be Hank Steinbrenner kicking out a television as the fans chant "Bring Back Torre" and the Yankees miss the Wild Card by 3-and-a-half games. [New York's Hometown Paper]

* Evgeni Malkin is teh suck at the shootout. LOL. [FanHouse]

* Alanah Downie checks out 20 minutes of CBC's "MVP" hockey soap and discovers "a bit of violence, a bit of sex, a few broken laws, a couple of jackasses, a girl too-innocent-to-be-of-this-earth, and a touch of evil." It's like "Playmakers" for the puckhead set, minus the strong pimp hand of Paul Tagliabue ready to smack it down after one season. [a href="http://www.kuklaskorner.com/index.php/CandB/comments/running_down_mvp">Canucks and Beyond]

* An Eastern Conference All-Star Team of players that didn't make the Eastern Conference All-Star Team. [Getting Glenergized]

* How to build your own table hockey game, if you're all industrious and shit. Going Five Hole]

* Eight ways to revolutionize the NHL, including the contraction of Carolina, Tampa, Atlanta and Florida. How very Canadian of you. [Cloud 9]

* Finally ... holy fucking shit, Lego Hockey. SPOILER ALERT: The game ends when a dog somehow gets on the ice, steals the puck, all the players die in a massive pile-up, the dog blows a whistle, and all the players are resurrected as ice zombies. And, no, I did not just take a bong hit:

• Sieve. Marty Turco gave up five goals on six shots in the third period as the Stars collapsed down the stretch, handing the Kings an improbable 6-5 overtime win. If this isn't reason enough to decrease the size of the net ... well... then I don't know what is.

• For Moose. Marcel Hossa's decisive shootout goal gave the Rangers a 3-2 victory over the Maple Laughs in Toronto's annual Hockey Hall of Fame game. Astonishingly, Mark Messier, Ron Francis, Al MacInnis and Scott Stevens were all held pointless.

• Try And Figure This One Out. For the third straight game, Satan scored the winning goal ... this one against the Devils. *Scratches head* Is Lucifer turning upon himself? Man ... that God ... He's crafty.