Yesterday morning, Jimmy Fallon went head-to-head with Tiger Woods in Times Square to promote EA's Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 and, amazingly, Bag Of Hair finished three under to defeat Eldrick at his own game. SVP's almost too big for the stage and I have no idea why Kid Rock is there wearing a blouse.

PHOTO H/T: R. Pederson

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Good morning. It's Friday. Vamanos.

He hasn't necessarily backed away from it, joking about it in graduation speeches and even inviting us on his show. But we're already putting too much of our own opinion on this one; we'll let you, the judges, decide.

Do you like the Scott Van Pelt? Do you not like the Scott Van Pelt? Let us know.

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Not only did he praise Madison — which, we agree, is a wonderful city — but he even referenced that famous voice mail message.

This hourglass will serve several purposes here. First of all, it's my reminder to be brief. I might have left a voice mail message for a young lady that made it's way on to the Internet. If you're familiar, you know it's proof that I do get a little long-winded. And as a side note to the fellas, when in doubt, maybe a text message is nice...I'm just saying.

The more important purpose of this is that it is symbolic. When I was where you now are, I gave no thought to the passage of time, no thought to the sand in my hourglass, so to speak. But as I stand here today, I am painfully aware of how much sand is in the bottom and how quickly it piles up there. And if you believe nothing else that I tell you today, believe me that a year will become five, will become 10 and you wake up one morning and you don't recognize the bald-headed guy looking back at you in the mirror. For the ladies that analogy doesn't work quite so well, unless you marry a bald-headed guy, and you'll probably find him quite charming, because really we have no other option.

Van Pelt continues to be our favorite "SportsCenter" anchor, and not just because he constantly references "Flight Of The Conchords." (Though that helps.) We might find it strange that a major American university would ask a "SportsCenter" anchor to address their graduates, but if they had to pick one, they picked the right one.

Scott Van Pelt, Charge to the Graduates, Winter 2007 Commencement [University of Wisconsin]

That's right: The charming Mike Tirico is taking over two hours of Patrick's show, with the last hour filled in by SOME GUY WHOSE NAME WE CAN'T REMEMBER. We've never heard Tirico much on the radio, but we expect the same bland, competent work he always gives us. (Along with, you know, love talk.) We still feel bad for Van Pelt; we suspect he would have been good, as long as nobody talked about Maryland.

Mike Him Up [ESPN]
Here Are Those Tirico Stories We Hinted At Last Week [Deadspin]

Apparently, Van Pelt posts regularly on Terrapin Times, and, like has happened to so many of us, he ended up in a flame war that he later regretted.

SVanPelt, Saturday, 9:21 pm
Title: You Are So Weak

so far today you have trashed....one of our feature backs...and a kid whose dad frequents the board...and someone else in a thread that got pulled.


You are the worst thing about internet sites...an idiot with 10 bucks a month.

You claim (in caps no less) to love UM football and basketball.

Really?
You are a piece of garbage and I loathe you and all your kind.

Heavens! Van Pelt, reached by DC Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg about the incident, said that fans shouldn't rip college scholarship athletes if they're struggling, which we find a highly questionable sentiment. But regardless: Van Pelt, to make sure he doesn't have any public outbursts like this, tells Steinberg that he'll change his Terps board name so that it's more anonymous. In the same breath, though: "I think it's incredibly pathetic for a guy just to anonymously rip on a scholarship athlete who's doing the best he can. And by the way, I think I'm right.... It's fascinating to read what fans say. The Internet gives all these people a voice. What's the old saying, freedom of speech just makes it easier to identify the idiots? That's never been more true than in an Internet chat room."

See, Scott, we think you'd just be happier if you'd embraced it: Let your Web freak flag fly. We know you want to scream anonymously across the Web and call people "garbage." Just do it. It feels good. Let it go ... let it gooooo.

On Message Boards, Scott Van Pelt And Fandom [DC Sports Bog]

That said, we're not sure sports radio is the best place to have some sort of Socratic debate about ESPN's slow destruction of the sports landscape. We had a quick, fleeting moment inside the Leader's castle, and felt the best way for us to spend that moment would be to use our signature brand of "satire," which is to say, we made some jokes while talking very, very fast. That's what we do. We prefer our revolutions to be quiet, stealth, ideally while wearing a funny hat.

If you're looking for longform, considered, sober discussions of what's wrong with ESPN, you can either start pre-ordering books or check out Sports By Brooks' detailed dissertation. Or, you know, just read the site everyday. It's a lot easier than trying to fit in an entire treatise in a three-minute radio sound bite.

No matter what, we think our days on ESPN Radio are probably over. Thankfully.

ESPN Finally Embracing Detractors But Bristol Still Burns [Sports By Brooks]
About That Whole ESPN Radio/Scott Van Pelt Thing [Awful Announcing]
God Save The Fan [Amazon]

As I was watching ESPN for all hours this week, trying to get as much information about Terrell Owens as humanly possible, I struggled to construct some semblance of oddsmaking that would feel fresh, exciting and devoid of any references to Daniel Nicole Smith. Then it came to me: There's nothing more to say about this in any capacity. Until next week, of course, when South Philly's finest will do their best to give Mr. Owens a warm welcome, wish him the best of luck and express their concern for his well-being as only Broad Street's finest lovers of chip steak smothered in orange goop can.

As I began to pore over the ethical quandaries abound in joking about suicide, while simultaneously hoping for a glimpse of Suzy Kolber's beloved saddle, I became stricken with a sense of responsibility to a frothing readership fully expecting a thoroughly insensitive angle about this whole terrible mess. And I said "No. I won't do that." Then I began to take a real hard look at Trey Wingo and began to further examine how gay his name is. And then I focused on his ties and his manicured features, which seem overly effeminate even in terms of television-standards, and I came to the conclusion that, yes, this man has, at one point or another in his life, touched another man's testicles.

So, we'll save T.O for next week when it's more appropriate and we give him time to quell his demons.

Instead, I'm finally using this newly purchased Gaydar I bought from Radio Shack, putting on my ascot and placing odds on the first ESPN personality to finally charge out of the closet and reveal himself as the lover of man parts that he is.

Wingo with me, after this skip.

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Pedro Gomez: 2/1

This Taylor Hicks lookalike always has received a lot of facetime after the dreadful assignment of being attached to the hip of Barry Bonds. As we all know, his reporting on the subject has been, mmm, less than stellar so far. In fact, he's missed seemingly everything that's happened with Bonds — though that's his full-time job — as other reporters with less access gleefully pick through the bones. So, that begs the question: What could a man who spends that much time in San Francisco possibly be doing the whole time? That's right: Dudes.

Neil Everett: 3/1

All though he carries himself as a guy's guy and is the least grating of quip-heavy hosts, Everett's wire-rimmed Jewfrocity gives him an appearance that's part Willie Ames and part that dude from Sex and the City who knocked up the ugly chick. Plus, he worked in Hawaii for a long stint and was a Beta in college. And various unnamed sources reveal that Everett was voted "Most Likely To Be the Victim of a Vicious Rumor Involving a Gerbil Getting Lodged in a Tiny Orifice" by other staffers at their annual end of year gala starting...now.

Bob Ley: 4/1

Don't be fooled by the shlumpy facade — behind the weird junior high math teacher hair part and the tiny smile lie the heart of a man longing for dong. Ley's measured interview-style on OTL has all the makings of a man trying very hard to suppress the urge to take his pants off. And who can forget how excited he was to interview Billy Bean during that whole "Gays in Sports" piece a few years back?

Rece Davis: 4/1

Davis is one of the guys most guilty of overdoing his hetero-ness, but failing. Just because he's teamed with Linda Cohn does not mean he likes being close to vagina. Take Exhibit A: Davis' tired old "Not that there's anything wrong with that" joke that comes any time a Rudy Gay clip appears. You know what they say about guys who make those kind of ignorant assumptions about people based on trivial little characteristics.

Oh, wait...

Scott Van Pelt: 1/1

Even though some think he's too tall to be gay, Van Pelt has all the makings of a classic "Power Bottom:" The self-deprecation, his propensity to high-five at bars and, his utter cluelessness on how to appropriately pick up a skank from Dewey Beach. Don't be fooled by that notorious phone call — Van Pelt was actually trying to use that girl to get closer to her friend Steve, whom he found filled out his checklist even better than she did. The most important of which being that he did not have "Bell's Palsy" and "Likes to go swing dancing in the nude."

And his self-effacing manner evidently transfers off-screen; when he's trying to pick up a lady, he turns into Jon Favreau from Swingers. Witness this voice message, apparently left by Van Pelt, for a woman he met at a bar in Dewey Beach, Delaware a couple of weeks ago. (The download takes about a minute or so, but trust us: It's worth it.)

Alternately pleading, self-loathing and quietly rocking out the Bells Palsy references, Van Pelt reveals himself as, well, a dopey, well-meaning fellow who is happy to have talked to a girl.

It's pretty easy to make fun of Van Pelt here, but considering the way people from ESPN are prone to talking to women, we'll consider this a step in the right direction.

Scott Van Pelt Has A Way With The Ladies (WAV File)

Anyway, for proof that Van Pelt is actually funnier off-camera than on, we present a radio interview he gave to radio station 790: The Ticket, in which he brags about his ability to impersonate various ESPN anchors. His Stephen A. Smith is terrifyingly good; we bet Van Pelt impersonating Stephen A. for an hour would actually improve ratings.

Scott Van Pelt Interview [790 The Ticket]
Scott Van Pelt [Wikipedia]