The cleverly titled "What happened to our teams?" lets Duff engage his inner W.C. Heinz and spout off about the Seahawks (Jim Mora is a rocker! Kinda cool!); the Washington Huskies (None of the top high-school kids want to come here); the Sonics (Gone forever! Bullshit!).When he talks about the Mariners, though, is when it really gets interesting. He shares this amusing anecdote about a little run-in he had at one of his concerts:

I ran into Tony LaRussa at one of my gigs last spring and he was dismayed that the Mariners had passed him over a few months earlier.

“They passed you over?!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s too bad, I would have loved the gig.”

Tony LaRussa had just won a World Series with the Cardinals! We need some good management, and I hope they do the right thing this off-season. If not, I suggest we all boycott. Shit, Sweet Lou left because management wasn’t allowing him to do his thing as he saw fit.

So, what's more alarming out of this conversation:That Tony LaRussa really wanted the Mariners job, that LaRussa uses the word "gig", or that he's at a Velvet Revolver concert striking up a conversation with Duff? Nothing is processing.

What Happened To Our Teams? [Seattle Weekly]

And it was a clubhouse in need of some direction, given the problems engulfing it as the season came undone. When it came to Ichiro, who got off to a typically slow start in April and part of May, the internal turmoil nearly hit its boiling point. "I just can't believe the number of guys who really dislike him," said one clubhouse insider. "It got to a point early on when I thought they were going to get together and go after him." The coaching staff and then-manager John McLaren intervened when one player was overheard talking — in reference to Ichiro — about wanting to "knock him out." A team meeting was called to clear the air.

That's from part II of a series on rebuilding the Mariners by Geoff Baker of the Seattle Times, who also points out that the Ms are the first franchise in major league history to lose 100 games with a $100 million payroll. At 58-100, the Mariners have quietly built the worst record in baseball, outstinking even the Padres (61-97) and Nationals (59-99). With four games left, the Mariners have a chance tie the franchise record of 104 losses set in 1978, the second year of their existence. More reachable: 1980’s 59-103, or 1983’s 60-102. And those three teams combined probably didn't have a payroll of $100 million.

And with team president Chuck Armstrong already ruling out high-priced free-agent acquisitions this winter, the pending free agency of main power threat Raul Ibanez and trade talk involving Adrian Beltre, it doesn't look good for 2009.

It's all been a strain even on the irrepressibly optimistic U.S.S. Mariner, who had this to say today:

I know I’ve tried to skate through the year a little, not spending too much time staring into the abyss, looking for bright spots like Morrow’s progression, or Ichiro’s play, but I paused after the game tonight and thought about the scope of this disaster for a while. The more I think about it, comparing how the team fell this far that it’s competing with those early expansion years, the more I wonder what I’m doing following this idiocy.

The Sonics are gone, the Seahawks don't look so hot ... even Frasier Crane is no longer around to talk residents down from the ledge. Not a great year to be a Seattleite.

It was Sept. 17, 1920, to be exact, when Bobby Veach of the Detroit Tigers and George Burns of the New York Giants did it, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. I'll give you a minute to dig out both of those baseball cards from your collection before I continue.

Beltre homered in the second, had a run-scoring single in the fourth, doubled in the seventh and tripled in the eighth. He also had another single, missing a six-hit game when he grounded out in the ninth. Seattle beat Texas 12-6. Drew singled in the first, tripled in the third, homered in the fifth and had a ground rule double in the seventh. He also finished with five hits. It was the first-ever cycle at Chase Field.

And, of course, only Drew's really meant anything. Arizona beat St. Louis 8-6, keeping the Diamondbacks 2 1/2 games ahead of the Dodgers in the NL West. LA beat San Diego 5-2 on Monday. Seattle, meanwhile, is 29 1/2 games behind the Angels in the AL West; not quite mathematically eliminated, but close.

How rare was Hernandez' slam? He says it was his first home run since Little League; which I guess they have in Venezuela? And did I mention that it came off of Johan Santana? (the grand slam, not the Little League homer).

“My approach? Just swing. I closed my eyes,” said Hernandez. “I was happy and I was thinking that’s all I need — four runs.”

More fun facts: It was the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history, and the first grand slam by an AL pitcher since Cleveland’s Steve Dunning did it against Oakland’s Diego Segui on May 11, 1971, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Hernandez sprained his left ankle while covering home plate on a run-scoring wild pitch. Carlos Beltran slid hard into his feet, and caught him with his spikes. X-Rays were negative and Hernandez should make his next start.

• Snakes ... Why'd It Have To Be, Snakes? Arizona's Dan Haren won his duel with Josh Beckett, throwing seven shutout innings and striking out five to win his fifth straight start, 2-1 over Boston. Chris Young's double and Chris Snyder's groundout each brought in a run for the Diamondbacks.

• Expect A Beanball War! Don't forget that the Yankees play in Pittsburgh tonight for the first time since the 1960 World Series, and Bill Mazeroski will be throwing out the first pitch. Very cool.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Dan Haren, Arizona Diamondbacks. Using catlike reflexes — rare for a pitcher — Haren serves notice to Boston's Coco Crisp not to attempt a bunt in his jurisdiction. Of course he enjoys the luxurious feel of the lawn a little too long, and cannot double off the runner at second. Oh well, Wizard Cat still gives this play: Four wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Andrew Miller went seven strong innings to earn the win for Florida; the Mariners' eighth loss in a row. Before the game, McLaren moved Ichiro Suzuki to right field, where he hasn't played since 2006. This left Wladimir Balentien out of the mix, and he was sent to the minors; Seattle calling up catcher Jeff Clement to take his place. McLaren's quote on all this: "We needed some pop in our lineup." Some pop? Isn't that something you say when you're three games out of first in August? The Mariners need the nuclear explosion from the current Indiana Jones movie. This all has to look really appealing to Ken Griffey Jr., doesn't it?

• Phillies Phite Back. Ryan Howard had two homers, Jimmy Rollins had one and Cole Hamels (7-4) went seven innings for the win as Philadelphia beat Boston 8-2.

• Rant On, Hank. Rant On. The word on Chien-Ming Wang isn't good; the Yankees' pitcher is going to be out until at least September after suffering a sprained foot while running the bases on Sunday. Hank Steinbrenner's reaction? He of course blamed the National League. "My only message is simple. The National League needs to join the 21st century,” Steinbrenner said in Tampa, Fla. “They need to grow up and join the 21st century. Am I (mad) about it? Yes. I’ve got my pitchers running the bases, and one of them gets hurt. He’s going to be out. I don’t like that, and it’s about time they address it. That was a rule from the 1800s.”

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Jose Lopez, Seattle Mariners. Diving stop, throwing out the runner from one knee; these are things that make Wizard Cat smile. Or would, if cats could smile. They can't. Wizard Cat gives this play: Three wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

I defy anyone to watch this and not say, "Reminds me exactly of my dad that time he had to bail me out of jail when I was a sophomore high school."

Sad to see the Mariners falling apart like this; on Wednesday morning team president Chuck Armstrong called a coaches meeting and reportedly ripped them all new ones. Then following the game, general manager Bill Bavasi ordered all players to stay by their lockers and answer reporters' questions on the loss (a mandate that Richie Sexson ignored). It's all because of the lesbian kiss, I tell you!

Torii Hunter's two-run single in the first helped send Los Angeles a season-best 13 games over .500, and to first place in the AL West.

• Change We Can Believe In. The Democratic primary season may be over, but the hotly-contested AL East race is just getting going (oddly, Mike Gravel is still alive in the latter). Josh Beckett gave up one run over six innings and Coco Crisp singled twice and had a stolen base as Boston beat Tampa Bay 5-1 to take a half-game lead over the Rays. It was the Red Sox's 12th straight home win.

• The Dance, She Is Over. So when did the Cubs losing a game become big news? When Greg Maddux breaks a nine-game winning streak, thats when. Maddux combined with two relievers on a four-hitter and Kevin Kouzmanoff broke a tie with a sacrifice fly in the eighth as San Diego won, 2-1.

• Edinson Provides Electricity. Ken Griffey Jr. was out of the starting lineup again with "general soreness," and is still at 599 homers, as the Reds beat the Phillies 2-0. Edinson Volquez (8-2) allowed two hits, struck out eight and walked two over seven innings, lowering his ERA to a major league best 1.32. Joey Votto's two-out, run-scoring double in the seventh broke up Brett Myers' no-hitter.

• Von Ryan Express. Just when you though the Indians wouldn't score another run this season, Ryan Garko had six RBI and David Dellucci had a three-run homer to lead a 15-9 win over the Rangers.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Alex Gordon, Kansas City Royals. Sometimes to get Nick Swisher out, you have to go over the rolled-up tarp and into the stands, and no one knows this better than Wizard Cat. Gordon eats floor here but holds onto the ball for an excellent catch. Of course had this been Wrigley, that fan there would have kneed Gordon out of the way and caught the ball himself. Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

The offended lez, Sirbrina Guerrero, a Tia Tequila cast-off, as pointed out by another man who's most likely made out with a Seattle lady or two , tells Seattle's KOMO (rhymes with...) news that she wasn't making out, just pecking, "And he (the security guard) goes 'there's a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.' And I said 'well, we weren't making out, but we were kissing and I'm not going to stop.'"

Well, they had to stop the offending girl-on-girl peck-fest, or they would, according to the security guard, "have to leave."

Guerrero and her ladyfriend stopped, but then proceeded to photograph hetero couples pecking away in the stands without any hassle.

Safeco didn't comment on the story, but did send the KOMO news their stadium policy which specifically states "displays of affection are not appropriate in a public family setting."

Hmm, looks like Safeco's going to have to have one of them there "diversity" nights in order to keep the pink triangle protest posse from showing up the next home game.

The Mariners Hate The Gays [The Slanch Report]

We know, we know: This is not exactly Beckett-level humor here. But we're talking about a Major League Baseball clubhouse. You should take what you can get.

Anyway, Griffey owed Fogg $1,500 for some reason or another, and he paid it in pennies.

“I’m a man of my word,” said Griffey. “And when you owe a man $1,500, you pay him. And I’d like to thank the lovely people at National City Bank for helping me with this joke. There isn’t a whole lot you can do with pennies. Just think, each box weighs 16 pounds, so the man has 60 bowling balls in his locker.”

We've asked everyone to appreciate Griffey before, and this seems as good a time as any to remind. He's still that kid with his hat backwards; soon he'll be in Seattle again, and we'll all relive it again. Can we get Randy Johnson, Edgar Martinez and A-Rod back there too?

150,000 Pennies For Your Thoughts [Dayton Daily News]Ken Griffey Jr. Knows How To Deal With Hecklers [Deadspin]

Of course all of this didn't stop the Mariners' scoreless streak from reaching 22 innings in a 5-0 loss. Texas used five pitchers in the shutout, and Ramon Vazquez had four hits, including a run-scoring double. Seattle starter Felix Hernandez had hit both Gerald Laird and Ian Kinsler with pitches earlier in the game.

I'll tell you though, in my opinion Sexson deserves to get brushed back, and here's why. There's nothing lower than someone who taunts fans with the old ball-on-a-string trick.

• Another Webb Gem. It's nice for Diamondbacks fielders to get an extra day off once a week. Brandon Webb is becoming completely monotonous and predictable, now 8-0 after eight starts. His first complete game of the season was an 8-3 win over the Phillies. He hit one batter, Eric Bruntlett, who was not aware that Thursday was Charge the Mound Day, and simply walked to first base.

• It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter! Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Robinson Cano and Wilson Betemit all hit home runs as the Yankees beat the Indians 6-3. Yet the guys at Camp Mohawk still get all the women.

• Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea? First the good news, Florida Marlins fans. You're still in first, one game ahead of the Phillies. Now the bad news ... a scorpion has just crawled into your pants! Also, you're done playing the Brewers for this year. Matt Treanor had a three-run homer as Florida beat Milwaukee 7-2, completing a three-game sweep. This now frees the Brewers to head home to play the Cardinals, where a Mr. Will Leitch is waiting in the parking lot reviewing the Miller Park alcohol policy.

• Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood! Boston's Josh Beckett beat Detroit's Justin ZooVerlander in a battle of aces, 5-1, as the former recorded the 1,000th strikeout of his career (huzzah!). Kevin Youkilis had a two-run homer in the fifth and Jason Varitek a two-run single in the second. By the way, when your ace is 1-6, that usually spells big trouble.

Today, Luke Burbank, the host of "Too Beautiful To Live" on 710 KIRO in Seattle, tells the tale of his career-changing run-in with Lou Piniella and the 1996 Seattle Mariners.

I was a really nervous, still-pimply 20 year-old trying to pretend I was some kind of real sports reporter.

My internship at the college NPR station was enough to get me press access to the Mariners' locker room, but that non-laminated day pass with "NBR" written on it wasn't exactly blowing Lou Piniella's mind-grapes the way I'd thought it would. It was August 1996, and the M's were locked in a tight division race with The Rangers. They'd come home for a make-or-break nine game stand. Somehow, I'd conned my way into an assignment doing a story about the insane breakout year A-Rod was having. This was going to be easy, just get some quotes from Piniella, and Griffey and Buhner and A-Rod and be on my way. Why wouldn't they want to talk about his awesome season? Well, because theirs was about to go to complete shit, that's why.

During the home stand, the M's managed to go 1-8 and fall completely and utterly out of the race. Every day I would go to the locker room hoping that they would not be in a super-pissed mood, and every day it would get worse. Baseball players (more than any other athletes, in my opinion) are total fucking babies when they lose.

Finally the last game arrived. The clubhouse was like a morgue. I was determined to get that goddamn tape no matter what. Here is a minute by minute account of that night:

6:02 pm (Pregame): In the trainer's office I can see A-Rod getting a rubdown or something. This is great. The clubhouse is totally empty and I am going to get my quote as soon as he emerges. There's only one problem. For some reason, my peeking into that room infuriates Mike Jackson. He runs up to me and starts screaming at the top of his lungs, 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!?' 'THE MAN IS GETTING TREATMENT!!' "I'm I'm just trying to to get my my quote" I stammer (literally holding back tears). 'GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AFTER THE GAME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!"

Never mind that MLB requires teams to open their locker rooms before games so that reporters can get quotes. Apparently Mike Jackson takes a dim view of this rule. One other problem, it wasn't even A-Rod in there. It was Rafael Carmona. His back was to me and they look like the same guy. I'm racist and I don't have a quote and Mike Jackson wants to rape me. Awesome.

7:15 (Game time): Terrified by my encounter with MJ, I figure I'll just lay low and hope to Jobu that they win. Then they'll have to be in a better mood. I leave a bucket of KFC in front of my Jobu shrine. It totally works. They win.

10:13 (Post Game): The Seattle Mariners are more pissed than ever. Pissed like Blazer fans in 1986 realizing Jordan was going to be Jordan just as Sam Bowie picks up another three in the key. I still don't know why this was. Probably residual anger from the previous eight games or something.

10:14: Ken Griffey Jr. is sitting, fully reclined, in a barca lounger in front of his locker. This is a bad spot for this huge-ass chair, because his locker is also right next to the only narrow hall out to the field. This means everyone trying to go play in the baseball game has to hug the wall to try to get around his chair. He is playing Nintendo on a flat screen TV (very, very fancy for 1996) and eating a chocolate bar. Five different times I try to ask him a few questions. Not only does he not respond, he is totally unaware that another human being is trying to talk to him. I am basically Bill Murray during the ghosty part of Scrooged. I finally give up.

10:16: Still terrified of a "Mike Jacksoning," I cower behind a huge empty couch. Apparently I also accidentally lean on it, because from across the room Chris Bosio starts hollering. "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!" "GET OFF THAT COUCH!!" I stumble, dazed, towards a completely naked Jay Buhner.

10:18: During his time as a Mariner, Jay Buhner was known as quite the prankster. Of course, as me and my friend Bill often discussed the line between "prankster" and "total asshole who purposefully vomits into your work hat" is kind of a fuzzy one. So anyway, Buhner is completely completely naked. No towel. No undies. Nothing. And that's not even the creepy part. He agrees to talk to me (jackpot!) but during the entire interview he refuses to look at me. Instead, he goes to work on, and is completely fixated with, an ingrown hair literally ONE MICRON from his dong. If I want to interview Jay Buhner, I will also be interviewing his dong. That is just how he rolls. Desperate, I do the interview. It actually goes OK.

10:23: Wonder of Wonders! A-Rod is clean, showered, not Rafael Carmona, and walking out of the locker room by himself. I run out to talk to him. He is totally polite, and professional, and cardboard. But he's not yelling at me, or ignoring me, or naked, so I consider the interview a big success.

10:37: I'm just one interview away from having my story: Sweet Lou.

10:48 : All hyperbole aside, Lou Piniella is the most terrifying man ever in history ever. And he really needs to buy some new underwear. He's sitting in his office behind his desk. No shirt (what is this with the nakedness?), just some tattered tighty whities, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. The office is very small. The beat reporters (these dudes are plenty grizzled themselves and have interviewed him a thousand times) seem terrified of him. They stand with their backs up against the wall and nervously call him 'Skip.' He's like a tiger that you raised from when it was a little cub. You feel mostly certain he remembers that you two are cool, but on the other hand, he might bite your face off out of sheer boredom.

After everyone else has asked their questions, I finally summon the nerve to squeak mine out.
"Um Skip?" I say meekly. "Could you um, talk about the amazing season Alex is having?"

'Huh?' Piniella asks, his head cocked, perfectly angled for a face-biting.

"Um, could you talk about how well Alex Rodriguez has been playing this season?"

Piniella gets up slowly, and comes around from behind the desk. The rest of the reporters scramble to get out of his way. He's heading right for me. He gets up right next to me, I can see his balls through a hole in his underwear. He puts his arm around my shoulders, pulls me in so close I can count each individual whisker, and says... "Not tonight kid, not tonight."

"Perfect," I think. "That's the final memory of my sportswriting career: Lou Piniella's balls."

I never went back there again.

So, here goes:

1. Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim: We actually never like picking these guys, and not just because of their name. But they still seem to be the class of this division over here.
2. Oakland Athletics. We will always, always pick these guys one spot higher than they actually should be. Damn you, Michael Lewis!
3. Seattle Mariners: Put us in the camp that believes last year was an overperformance, rather than the start of something exciting, Bedard or no.
4. Texas Rangers: Hopefully they'll be able to overcome the loss of Sammy Sosa. We're not sure we have, not yet.

We would love to hear justifications as to how a team other than the Angels win this division. Tomorrow, the National League Central.

He's pretty relaxed about it, though, in that laid-back, Zen sort of way that's, as always, probably part of a joke by the translator.

"To tell you the truth, some of this is kind of fun," Ichiro said. "To be in a situation this early in Spring Training and have this kind of a bit of intense environment is something that I couldn't experience before. Basically, it's a situation where I need to battle within myself, mentally. That's something that I haven't experienced at this time of year, and I get to experience that right now, and that is great for me. Once I get a hit it might actually make me sad that this experience isn't going to be here any more. But at the same time, I understand I need results."

We love the idea of Ichiro, after finally reaching first on a single, taking off his helmet and looking skyward as a solitary tear slows falls down his cheek. What he has lost can never be recovered, and he must trudge onward, brave, stoic, strong.

Ichiro Hitless In Spring, Still Not Excited About the Cleve [Walk Off Walk]

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

Put away your Goonies lunchbox and your Trapper Keeper. It's algebra time.

Review this equation:

2008 Mariners = 2007 Mariners - (Jeff Weaver) - (Horacio Ramirez) + (Erik Bedard) + (Carlos Silva).

Notice that on the right side of the equation, we have four constants. Jeff Weaver and Horacio Ramirez constantly suck. They get subtracted from the Mariner roster. Cy-Young candidate Erik Bedard and innings-chomper Carlos Silva take their places.

This is not Fermat's Last Theorem, people. The 2008 Mariners, who replace two shitty starting pitchers with two good ones, will be better than the 2007 Mariners.

Question is — and it's a question Mariner fans have been arguing all offseason — were the 2007 Mariners any good?

Last year's standings show that the 2007 M's won 88 games and finished six games back of the Angels. Measuring by wins and losses, the 2007 M's were pennant contenders.

But the raw numbers tell a different story: The 2007 Mariners allowed more runs (813) than they scored (794). The data says the M's were a sub-.500 team.

Hence the argument. You can probably already envision the battle lines.

On one side, the traditional baseball men (a.k.a. stuffed shirts, a.k.a. troglodytes, a.k.a. Joe Morgan), in whose minds the W/L record reigns preeminent.

On the other, the statheads (a.k.a. stat nerds, a.k.a. Moneyball types, a.k.a. my cousin Levi), who believe their calculators.

It's an important question. If the '07 Mariners stunk, you wouldn't want to, say, trade four of your best prospects to Baltimore for a starting pitcher who's 19 months away from free agency. Such a deal only makes sense if you think you've got a contending team that needs a nudge to put them over the top.

The Mariner front office, being traditional baseball men, looked at those 88 wins and made the deal.

Erik Bedard, comes to the Mariners in exchange for stud CF prospect Adam Jones, who falls somewhere between Jim Edmonds and Preston Wilson on the career possibilities chart, bullpen stalwart George Sherrill, and three minor league pitchers who are supposedly hot shit.

Bedard, who was 3-0 with a 2.07 ERA in five starts against the Yankees and Red Sox last year, will pair with Felix Hernandez to give the M's the best one-two punch in the American League.

Silva, Jarrod Washburn and Miguel Batista round out the rotation. (Each of them, in one of the great economic injustices of our time, will make more than Bedard and Hernandez combined. I think John Edwards may have used this in a campaign speech. "Yesterday, while eating corned beef hash at a local diner, I met Felix Hernandez, a legal immigrant from Venezuela, who makes 1/20th the salary of his less-qualified co-worker.")

Along with the solid rotation, the M's have 6-foot-6 J.J. Putz and his hellacious splitter in the bullpen. You probably only know Putz from his shaky appearance in last year's All-Star Game (though he would've had a 1-2-3 inning if Baltimore's rangeless Brian Roberts could've managed to field a routine groundball in time to throw out noted speed merchant Dmitri Young. Sorry, I digress. But still, fuck you Brian Roberts). F-Rod bailed Putz out in that game, but the goateed Michiganiteian needed no help in the regular season, saving 40 games and blowing only two. Let's leave it at this: Putz had a 1.38 ERA last year.

The pitching staff could be the best in baseball. But, as my late grandfather would've said, a good pitching staff and $13.76 will get you a 3 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel at Starbucks. To win, the M's need runs.

The nine men the Mariners will rely upon to produce 2008 offense fall into three neat categories. I'll give each category a nautically themed name because I hate myself.

1) The Ironclads: CF Ichiro, C Kenji Johjima, 3B Adrian Beltre. Each has been predictably steady offensive contributors the last few years. We fans hold out hope that Beltre — who's only 28 — will repeat his mega-boffo performance of 2004. But we'll all be happy with 25 homers and his Gold Glove defense.

2) The Bathyscaphes: SS Yuniesky Betancourt, 2B Jose Lopez. You're probably as likely to have heard of a bathyscaphe (it's a deep-sea diving vessel) as you are to have heard of the M's keystone combination. That'll change if either matches their promise. Each have shown signs of superior offensive prowess — Lopez made the '06 All-Star team after posting 58 ribbies before the break, and Betancourt had only one less double than Derek Jeter last year. If either of these guys post a breakout year, the M's could win 100 games.

3) The Steamboats: 1B Richie Sexson, LF Raul Ibanez, DH Jose Vidro, RF Brad Wilkerson. The M's front office knows these players are verging on obsolescence, but they're hoping for one final run up Pennant Race River. Sexson may be the key to the M's season. After consecutive 30-homer seasons for last place Mariner teams, Sexson hit .205 last year, just when the M's actually needed him. Still, at age 33, it hardly seems likely that Sexson is finished. The M's will pay him $14 million this year; if he can earn half of that, they'll rejoice.

By the end of September, the argument will be settled. If the M's get back to the postseason, we'll know the Joe Morgans were correct. If they finish out of the race, or regress, it'll be my cousin Levi saying I told you so.

The idol of this poet is not Emily Dickinson, or Robert Frost, or even Dr. Seuss. Nope: It's Kenny G.

"He played for me," Batista said. "It was my favorite song, 'Alone.' Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete."

Batista's "thriller novel" is called The Avenger Of Blood, which is kind of confusing and sounds like an early '90s Sharon Stone movie. We eagerly await his next novel, which will surely feature blurbs by Sandy Koufax, Kenny G and God.

Fan Batista Meets His Idol Kenny G [Seattle Times]

Richie Sexson just wants to make it clear that he wouldn't be being booed so much if he were making a piddly $1 million a year.

"The money has a lot to do with it," said Sexson, who will make $14 million this year. "If I was making a million, people wouldn't care."

Blog Hotdog & Friends points out, "while the quote masterfully demonstrates how clueless Sexson is as to the value of money, let me state that I will boo up and until he is making around $50,000.00 a year ( roughly the median household income in Seattle). At $50,000.00 a year, Sexson becomes an average Joe and I will not hate on an average Joe for a subpar work performance."

When we were in Seattle, someone told us about a beer special at a bar in which pints of lousy domestic beer costs whatever Sexson's batting average was at the time. Needless to say, it was the bestselling, cheapest beer around.

So, Sexson: Screw off, would ya?

Sexson Should Probably Stop Doing Interviews [Hotdog And Friends]

August 22

"Vinny (New York): With a gun to your head, still Seatle over the Yanks for the Wild Card? Yankees are looking pretty impressive, just taking care of most people's "best team in baseball."

SportsNation Steve Phillips: The Yanks looked good beating an undermanned Tigers team, I agree with you. But I think the Mariners will hold on and win the Wild Card. Their starting pitching is just good enough and their bullpen in unreal. They have one of the best defenses in babseball, and they are starting to produce on offense. I think it is too little too late for the Yankees to make the playoffs."

We know. It's cheating and easy to make fun of a guy for wrong predictions. But this was just three weeks ago, and now the Mariners are 6 1/2 out of the wild card. Just saying.

Steve Phillips: Not Smart [Vegas Watch]

If you're interested in attending Friday night's Pants Party At Safeco, there are still tickets available. We're very much looking forward to it, and not just because we're going to be hanging around anyplace Kurt Cobain ever so much as ate a sandwich. Hope to see some of you there.

Seattle Pants Party [Deadspin Pants Party]

What game did you do this at?

Mariners at Yankees last Wednesday. The game where A-Rod hit two home runs in the seventh inning. Streeter would have seen a great ending!

Explain how the pranks progressed to this point of insanity.

It's hard to say... I think the biggest jump actually occurred from the first prank, where Streeter makes me listen to a sex tape of his, to the second prank, where I set him up on a fake date. Since then it's just been about finding a way to top the last one. I try to make sure the next one is either more embarrassing, on a grander scale, or in this case... BOTH!

That slap was what made us think it might have been faked. Slapping seems like something that only happens on Dynasty. We've seen the other pranks, so we know how it has escalated. But we have to ask: It's all definitely real, right?

Yeah, they are real. The funny part about the slap is, I have the raw footage of it from the close angle and I can't imagine why people accuse it of being fake. It was more of an open palm hit to Streeters face, but she actually connects with his neck pretty hard and he has no idea it's coming. It made a great sound.

As for why she did it, right before she swung at him, Streeter said, "I don't wanna fucking marry you!" If you watch the video again you can clearly hear it. It was a moment of great passion, and I was thrilled to catch it from two angles.

How well do you know their relationship? Did you think she'd be handle it OK? How long had they been dating?

Streeter and Sharon have been dating since college, so they've been together for about... three years. They made it through Prank War 2 (Streeter basically attempting to go on a date with another girl), so I'm sure they'll make it through Prank War 6. It's Prank War 8 I'm worried about. Just kidding.

Here's the $64,000 question: Are they still together? Did the guy kick your ass?

Yeah, they're still together. Since the prank, Sharon has been hating Streeter less and less and hating me more and more. But that's understandable; the prank was almost as much on her as it was on Streeter. I kinda felt bad about that.

Would you recommend someone else do this? Can this be topped?

It's funny, every single prank we release people are like "Oh man! This cannot be topped! This is the ultimate! The only way you can top this is if you kill so and so, or plan a fake funeral!" But I have always found a way to top the last one, and Streeter has as well. What makes it exceedingly difficult is that the more we prank each other, the more cautious/paranoid we become. That's why Streeter pranked me in May (Prank War 5), and I had to wait this long to get him back. I also had to wait for the Mariners to come into town, so it worked out particularly well.

After a few months you let your guard down... and then, just like that... you're done.

The Mariners are auctioning off life-sized — bigger than life-sized, actually — bobblehead dolls of Ibanez, Kenji Johjima, Felix Hernandez and Ichiro Suzuki. Bidding begins at $2,500 on the Mariners' home page.

Just for the sake of discussion — and to help you with your decision whether or not to buy — if you were to purchase a Real Doll, it could cost you $6,500. So this thing could pay for itself!

Supersized Mariners Bobbleheads [Home Run Derby]
Real Doll [Official Site] (NSFW)

(By the way ... commence "they need a Rick Ankiel lifesize bobblehead for Leitch ... NOW.)

For five bucks, Mariners fans can download software that will allow them to order food from their seats. That's not all, either; you can also play networked games — it's through Nintendo — if you, per chance, don't want to watch the game that's right in front of you.

This seems awfully indulgent and catering to the easily distracted to us, but that's all right: It's not working anyway.

The midday sun made it extraordinarily difficult to see my screen, which is a major problem for something designed for baseball games...Coupled with the service fee, ordering food from the DS just isn't worth it when the vendors are so close to basically any seat...Instead of providing an 'instant replay' option, the video is a live feed about five seconds behind the actual game. It's also tiny— I could see the action better from my seat, which was basically outside the Earth's atmosphere. Unfortunately, the video is also overcompressed and blurry— it is impossible to read any of the text that appears on screen, all of which renders as jagged blocks.

We think it's brilliant that you can be at a game at watch a feed of the live action that's five seconds behind. Something about that feature makes our brains implode.

Nintendo Helps Baseball Fans Get Drunk [Epic Carnival]

Rather than establish his fastball by throwing it a ton, Hernandez mixed in a few breaking balls against the Oakland A's en route to an eight-inning, two-hit, zero-run effort. The A's won 4-0.

What this means for Hernandez is that he can now learn to pitch, rather than just try to throw right by opposing batters. What this means for the rest of us, however, is that through the majesty of the Internet, we have rejuvenated hope in getting our advice through to our favorite athletes, in the hope that they will no longer suck.

• "Dear Rafael Betancourt, when you get the signal from the catcher, try to throw the ball as soon as possible, rather than trying to remember all the words to 'Werewolves of London.' "
• "Dear Greg Oden, you know how when you reach your arm into the ballhandler's torso? Yeah, that's a foul."
• "Dear Carl Edwards, we're not at all impressed that you're leading the points in the NASCAR Busch Series. Just concentrate on the Nextel Cup, wouldya?"
• "Dear Vince Young, you still have a lot to learn about being a quarterback."

Hey! Merril Hoge, how did you get into my post?

Bloggers Are Coaching The Mariners [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
An Open Letter To Rafael Chaves [U.S.S. Mariner]

The Mariners sent Grover into the ether on the crest of an eight-game winning streak. Still no viable theories on the real reason that Hargrove is calling it quits, although there have been a couple of half-hearted attempts to claim that he was forced out by the front office. "Definitely a weird day. Strange. Sad," Raul Ibanez said. "I've never been through something like that." Guillen hit a tying homer in the eighth and a game-ending single off third baseman Troy Glaus' glove in the ninth. Jeff Weaver got the win. Thanks to A League of Her Own for reminding us of that Rosie Grier gem, by the way.

• Well, The Lizard Does Draw A Lot Of Walks. Surviving Grady presents its list of people they'd rather see at the plate with a game on the line instead of Julio Lugo; among the choices are Art Garfunkle, the late Ivan Calderon and a lizard. And among those added in the comments section are Edgar Renteria, and "a magic potato." People, if you're not going to take the list seriously, why bother? I mean, Edgar Renteria? The Red Sox lost to the Rangers 2-1, on Sunday but you could hardly blame that on Lugo; he was out of the starting lineup for the third straight game. Kameron Loe won his fourth consecutive start, which should astound anyone who saw him pitch in April or May.

• When Smurfs Attack. Big excitement in Chicago, as Jason Marquis gave up only four hits over seven innings to win for the first time in almost two months, giving the Cubs a 5-1 win over the Brewers. Chicago has won eight of nine and trail first-place Milwaukee by 6 1/2 in the Central. But never fear, Cubs fans will always find something to complain about.

• Bonderman. Jeremy Bonderman. It's sweeps month for Jeremy Bonderman, who scattered six hits over eight innings with seven strikeouts to lead Detroit over the Twins 1-0. Bonderman (9-1) is among five AL players on the Internet ballot for the final roster spot on the All-Star team, with voting to take place this week.

• Couldn't They Have Waited Until The All-Star Break? It's official: The Reds are on a pace to lose 100 games for the first time since 1982 (Rafael Landestoy! Clint Hurdle!), which is apparently too much for the front office to bear: Manager Jerry Narron was fired following an 11-7 loss to the Cardinals. Ryan Ludwick had two homers for St. Louis, which was helped by three Cincinnati errors. Oh, and No. 585 for Griffey, who is officially a starter in the outfield for the All-Star Game.

The Mariners are just four games back of the Angels in the AL West, and 1 game behind Detroit in the wildcard race ... which makes the timing of this weird. Some are speculating that there's something wrong with his health, but Enjoy the Enjoyment heard on KOMO that Hargrove's decision is "not health-related." I won't believe this is true until I see that the prostate exams in the Mariners dugout are as thorough as the ones given in the Cubs dugout.

In other baseball news, Jeremy Guthrie's perfect game bid was broken up after three innings. Sorry, UM.

Hargrove Stepping Down, McLaren is New Manager [Enjoy the Enjoyment]
Report: M's manager Hargrove to resign [ESPN]

OK, we didn't actually see the live version of the play in this photo here, so it's possible that Ramirez had no chance at this 11th-inning Jose Lopez double to left-center that drove in the winning run in Seattle's 2-1 victory over Boston. But we've seen enough of Manny's defensive stylings to wonder aloud how bad of a fielder David Ortiz has to be in order to keep Manny from the DH spot. The answers are shrouded in mystery. For the record, when Manny himself was asked if he thought he was going to catch the Lopez hit, his response was: "I had no idea, man.'' Say hey, Manny.

• But We Kid The Red Sox. Even though it suffered its first sweeping of the season, Boston is still in first in the AL East, a comfortable and luxurious nine games ahead of the Blue Jays. If we had to be any team in baseball — with or without Manny in the outfield — we'd still pick Boston. And the Mariners aren't doing too shabby themselves, five games behind the first-place Angels in the West, and 7-3 in their past 10 games. Boston has lost eight straight at Safeco Field.

• Happy Valentin Day. On Wednesday Reds manager Jerry Narron said of reliever David Weathers: "He's like Rollie Fingers and Goose Gossage." First of all, it has to be one or the other ... we can't think to two more opposing images. Second, what? And third, gee, no pressure there. Javier Valentin's double in the eighth broke a tie and ended up winning it for the Reds, 9-6, over the Phillies, as Weathers got the final six outs. Philadelphia's Ryan Howard had his 100th career homer, in his 325th game, becoming the fastest player to reach 100 in major league history.

• One Score And Seven Years Ago ... History will little note nor long remember Kansas City's three-game sweep of the Angels, which culminated with a 1-0 win on Wednesday. But Mike Scioscia certainly is pissed. Jorge De La Rosa won for the first time since May 13 and Mark Teahen singled home the only run in the third.

• Hey! They Prefer To Be Called Little People! Carlos Zambrano is like your drunk uncle at any family gathering. After Mike Fontenot went 3-for-4 with a homer in Chicago's 6-4 win over Colorado, Zambrano said of his teammate: "I didn't know short men could hit the ball like that. He hits the ball like a man. I feel happy for him.'' We were still reeling from that when manager Lou Pineilla followed with: "Winning is like a massage. It's like a relaxer. You start playing with more confidence.'' He's 5-foot-8! And don't touch me!

The tide has turned — it helps that he's healthy and, you know, not much of a steroid user — and now he's talking about returning to Seattle as a hero.

Would I [come back]? Yeah. For the simple reason that this is the place where I grew up. And I think I owe it to the people of Seattle and to myself to retire as a Mariner.

We're not sure this will happen in any way other than one of those "sign him up as a Mariner for one day so he can hold his press conference and retire" things that you see every once in a while, but after the guy passed Mark McGwire in homers yesterday, it's pleasant to go back to loving Ken Griffey again, like we used to, way back in the day. Even if he throws jock straps to fans.

Griffey: "I Owe It To The People Of Seattle To Retire As A Mariner" [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
Ken Griffey Jr. Knows How To Deal With Hecklers [Deadspin]

Notes from a day in baseball ...

• You've Got Some Red On You. Tackling the stories no one else dare touch, Lookout Landing goes in-depth this morning on the curious attire of the Indians' TV broadcast team of Matt Underwood and Rick Manning of Sportstime Ohio (above, right). Enjoy: "When I think of two people deliberately wearing the same outfit, the images that come to mind are a father and son, friends during Twin Day in elementary school, or maybe a totally whipped husband with his short-haired controlling wife. An image that doesn't come to mind is that of two fully-grown men who spend several hours sitting beside and talking to each other 162 times a year. Maybe this is something they always do, I dunno, but it seems peculiar. I mean, they have to know that they'll be on camera, right? And it couldn't just be a coincidence, meaning this is something they talked about and planned to do ahead of time. Is it a show of solidarity? Do they think that matching get-ups will make the home viewer more comfortable and less likely to change the channel? Maybe instead of coordinating their wardrobes the announcers could use that time to learn that our center fielder goes by Ichiro, not Suzuki. But hey, whatever keeps them interested."

• Oh Yeah, About The Game. Raul Ibanez went all He-Man on the Indians Monday, collecting two homers, a triple and a double to lead the Mariners to their fourth straight win, 8-7. Jose Lopez also homered for Seattle, which had a 7-0 lead by the fourth inning. After the makeup game at Jacobs Field, the Mariners had to hustle to Chicago, where they begin a series with the Cubs tonight. It will be the first time ever that the Mariners have played at Wrigley Field.

• The Mark Of The Z. This time there was no grapplin' with his catcher, which we find kind of disappointing. But Carlos Zambrano did hit a home run, and the Cubs topped the Astros 2-1. It was Zambrano's first game at Wrigley since he fought with teammate Michael Barrett 10 days ago, and he pitched well, giving up three hits and an unearned run over eight innings. Of course, his catcher this time out was Koyie Hill. Woody Williams took the loss.

• That Storied, Age-Old Giants-Blue Jays Rivalry. Barry Bonds hit his second homer since May 8 and first of the month, No. 747, as the Giants beat the Blue Jays 4-3. This caused manager Bruce Bochy to actually say: "He tied that game for us. That was huge. We needed a shot in the arm and he gave it to us. ..." Yeah. Let's just move on.

• More Double Vision. Luis Gonzalez clubbed a pair of doubles — to the chagrin of his hitting coach — to lead the Dodgers to a 4-3 win over the Mets. With 561 career doubles, Gonzalez tied and passed LA hitting coach Eddie Murray for No. 19 on the all-time list.

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

OK then! Well, they'd rather have Grady Sizemore anyway, thank you very much.

At Least We Know Ichiro Won't Sign With The Indians [Enjoy The Enjoyment]

Be warned, rowdy baseball fans: If you act up at Seattle's Safeco Field, you're just liable to get a red card. Yep. Seattle Weekly is all over the story of the latest trend among Major League Baseball teams; cracking down on rude, loutish behavior in the stands (nothing yet on stifling Gary Sheffield). These days, if you heckle the opposition a little too loudly, and someone complains, it just could get you ejected from the premises. What is this, Russia? It isn't Russia, is it?

Infractions that could get you booted from Safeco, as printed on their red cards:

• Foul/abusive language or obscene gestures
• Intoxication or other signs of impairment related to alcohol consumption
• Displays of affection not appropriate in a public, family setting
• Obscene or indecent clothing
• Any disruption of a game or event, including throwing of objects or trespassing on the playing field or other restricted areas
• Sitting in a location other than the guest's ticketed seat
• Fighting, taunting or making threatening remarks or gestures
• Smoking or the use of tobacco products, in any form

Personally, if we can't shout drunken expletives at Curt Schilling while inappropriately hugging our date who is wearing a Ruck The Fed Sox t-shirt and throwing objects onto the playing field, both of us having sneaked into field level box seats and then flipping off the ushers when we're caught while smoking cigars, then it's hardly worth going to a game at all. Also, a couple of potential red card infractions that the Mariners missed:

• Declaring your row a "pants-free zone"
• Assaulting any costumed mascot with barbequed meat
• Trying to start The Wave.
• Actually attending a Mariners game.

Ballpark Bleachers Are No Longer A Heckler's Paradise, Especially At Safeco [Seattle Weekly]

"The ball became the same color as the sky,'' he said, through interpreter Ken Barron. "So, I wasn't able to see it ... I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area.'

"Usually, I don't send mental signals," Ichiro replied. "So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don't come my way."

It doesn't quite measure up to our favorite, from when he was discussing why the Mariners were struggling: "If there is a problem, we need to notice what creates the problem. The problem usually isn't just on the cover. You need to look much deeper. For example, if we're talking about a tree and the tree has a problem, you need to look at the root. But you cannot see the root. The mistake is to keep watering the fruit. That's not going to solve anything." Again, we'd love to know his interpreter a little better.

Ichiro And Mental Signals [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
Ichiro Continues To Lose It A Bit [Deadspin]

Notes from a day in baseball:

• Mariner Moose Is Doing The Antler Dance. OK, before we get to the vital statistics, let us just say that Safeco Field has the best food in baseball. Also one of the best views, if you hang out in a certain section of the upper deck at night. This may not even be relevant, considering that the Mariners are in Anaheim. So, anyone have any thoughts on Rally Monkey? The little bugger must have had the day off on Monday, as Adrian Beltre smacked around the Angels a bit, hitting two homers (No. 199, 200 of his career) and two doubles in a 12-5 win. That's nothing to sneeze at; the Angels are 17-6 at home, with a 2.71 ERA. Seattle has 50 runs and 74 hits over its past five games, is 6-2 on its 10-game road trip, has won four straight and is 3 1/2 games behind the front-running Angels in the West. And — get this — Richie Sexson hit a three-run homer and is on the verge of raising his batting average to .200. Your Chris Bootcheck Update: The Angels' reliever retired Beltre on a fly ball in the ninth, preventing him from going 5-for-5.

• Are The Yankees Finished? When the touts begin writing you off, it may be time to panic. The Yankees are now what's called "a fade," terminology which may be familiar to Matthew McConaghey or A.J. Daulerio, but not to us before now. The numbers: New York began a 10-game road trip with a 7-2 loss to the Blue Jays on Monday; Dustin McGowan got his first win of the season and Lyle Overbay homered. The Yankees fell 13 1/2 games behind first-place Boston in the East, its biggest deficit since August 1995. The Yankees are tied with Tampa Bay for last place at 21-28. It looks like the emperor himself may have to make a visit to make sure that the Death Star is finished on schedule.

• Snakes. Why Did It Have To Be ... Snakes. Did You realize that Ryan Howard has three homers since coming off of the DL on Friday? Nice. He hit one on Monday, but it wasn't enough to prevent the Phillies from dropping a 5-4 decison to the Diamondbacks. Starter Doug Davis left with a four-run lead in the ninth, allowing Arizona fans to enjoy the relief stylings of Jose Valverde, who almost gagged it all back.

• Kim Possible. Byung-Hyun Kim went six scoreless innings and Reggie Abercrombie had a home run to lead the Marlins over the Cubs 5-3. Kim, who went from the Rockies to the Marlins on May 14, is 2-0 in three starts for Florida. Spicy cabbage rolls for everyone!

• But Otherwise He's A Sweetheart Of A Guy. Elijah Dukes' two-run single with the bases loaded in the ninth gave the Devil Rays a 6-5 win over the Tigers. Dukes was held out of two games last week following a published report that he made death threats against his estranged wife and kids.

• Clemens, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Us? Despite hearing the booming voice of God on Sunday (who knew that the Lord was from Texas?), the Yankees are not guided by divine forces after all; at least not until June. Seattle beat the Yankees 3-2, with the help of Adrian Beltre's homer in the ninth (off of Mariano Rivera), and a controversial call at second in the eighth. M's pinch runner Willie Bloomquist was called safe on a steal attempt in the eighth (he was out by a wide margin, replays showed), and later scored the tying run on a two-out single. Yankees manager Joe Torre was sitting out a one-game suspension for shenanigans during Sunday's game, so it was up to bench coach Don Mattingly to charge onto the field and rip second base umpire Gerry Davis a new one for mishandling the ... um, never mind. Mattingly never left the bench. "You can't see it. The guys out there didn't really argue," Mattingly told AP. "I didn't have to go out there to protect anybody." Oh. Said Davis after the game: "Oops." Or words to that effect. It all spoiled Matt DeSalvo's strong pitching debut for New York.

• When The Swallows Come Back To Capuano. So how come every Brewers pitcher is throwing BBs except Ben Sheets? Odd. Well, time to meet Chris Capuano, who improved to 5-0 with nine strikeouts over eight-plus innings as Milwaukee beat Washington 3-0. The Brewers are 22-10, 5 1/2 games ahead of Chicago in the NL Central. Before you scoff, aren't the Brewers doing what you're supposed to do: Shut down the weaker teams? Hell, a few weeks ago yout thought Milwaukee was one of the weaker teams. The Nationals (9-23) have lost six straight.

• Roy Came To Play. Here's a fun statistic: Houston's Roy Oswalt is 19-1 in his career against the Reds. He went seven strong innings as the Astros claimed a 5-4 win on Monday; Luke Scott's three-run homer in the eighth being the difference.

• Whiff Of Greatness. Brad Penny struck out 14 over seven innings to beat his former team, as the Dodgers stopped the Marlins 6-1. But then, isn't just about everyone a former Marlin?

• If Loving Fausto Carmona Is Wrong, We Don't Want To Be Right. Travis Hafner grand slam, Carmona seven innings, no earned runs, profit. Indians 10, Orioles 1.

Anyway, yesterday was definitely one of those days for Seattle sports fans. The Sonics probably aren't coming back, they were blown away in their final game and, oh yeah, Felix Hernandez left his start with tightness in his elbow. It's enough to make a guy want to find a empty greenhouse somewhere, a fistload of heroin and write an illegible note to your child and batshit bonkers wife.

But, alas, through the despair is hope! Look at the Bay Area yesterday, for example. It is only when we remember when matters were hopeless that we can appreciate true glory. At least, that's what we're telling ourselves, with the Cardinals two games under .500. That's the plan, and we are sticking to it.

I Give Up [Sportszilla]
What A Day For Bay Area Sports [The Big Picture]

Among the 36,360 screaming souls in attendance was Seth Mnookin, author of Feeding The Monster and Hard News, a longtime Red Sox observer (and main reason A.J. Daulerio once interviewed Jayson Blair).

The game might not have turned out the way Red Sox Nation might have expected or hoped, but it was still a telling evening. After the jump, Mnookin's report from the evening, which makes us glad once again that we weren't born a Red Sox fan. Too much stress.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

I've been to Fenway Park a lot in my life; there've only been four times when the pre-game frenzy was as electric as it is before a playoff game:

• Yaz's final game. ***
• The home opener is 2005.
• Pedro's return to Boston in a Mets uniform.
• Last night

When Yaz retired, he was the arguably the most beloved Red Sox player of all time (don't start jawing off about Williams - Boston only truly embraced him after he'd retired). Two years ago, the orgasmic flush of the Sox's World Series finally crested in the home opener's ring ceremony. And even us crusty old New Englanders knew enough to celebrate the best pitcher ever to play the game, even if he was wearing orange and blue.

Last night, on the other hand, wasn't a celebration of the past; this was a frenzy fueled by an expectation of what's yet to come. Daisuke Matsuzaka, the baby-faced assassin whose gyroball shrugs off the normal constraints of space and time like yesterday's jock, was making his first start in Fenway Park. On Brookline Ave., vendors were selling Dice-K thunder sticks. Japanese language cheat sheets could be had for a couple of bucks. (Apparently Sox announcer Carl Beane picked one up: When he went through the lineup, he introduced Matsuzaka in his native tongue.) There were so many flashbulbs going off when Matsuzaka pumped in the game's first pitch to Ichiro that third baseman Mike Lowell said he was just glad Ichiro didn't hit a drive down the line because he couldn't see a thing.

As the recently departed Kurt Vonnegut would have said, so it goes. Dice-K pitched well enough - seven innings, three runs, 4 Ks and a walk - and there were many delightful moments when he made the Mariners wave pathetically at the ball. There were also many times when he got hit, and hard. It wasn't a bad performance by any stretch, and if Matsuzaka turns in six years worth of 15-8 ball with a 3.60 ERA, he'll have been well worth his $8 million annual salary. But not bad doesn't cut it when you're expecting transcendent, and by the end of the night, some fans - at least some of the fans sitting near me in Section 17 - were grumbling about how he wasn't worth all the hype.

Boston can be a tough town to play in. Even taking into account the fact that Nomar is batshit insane, he had a legitimate gripe when he complained about the suffocative nature of being a Red Sox hero. David Wells, not exactly one of baseball's shy wallflowers, told me he loved the energy of pitching in Fenway but hated that he couldn't go to a movie with his kid without being mobbed. Even Matt Clement (remember him?) bemoaned the fact that he couldn't bike to the ballpark, as he'd done with the Cubs.

With that level of obsession - an obsession that justifies the highest ticket prices and least comfortable seats in baseball - comes a certain sense of entitlement, an entitlement that was only fueled by the magical postseason run three years ago. Combine that with the vernacularization of impressive sounding statistical terms - OPS, WHIP, etc. - and you've got yourself a frighteningly combustible mix: a small but vocal number of clowns who are convinced they know what they're talking about and feel as if they have the god-given right to share their opinions with the rest of us. (I'm well familiar with this behavior. In my family, we refer to it as N-CAR disease: "never certain, always right.")

To be sure, the N-CAR's are a distinct minority, but in a city like Boston - a city without the distractions of Broadway, or Wall Street, or Bungalow 8 - that minority can suck up a lot of oxygen. On Monday night, I almost drove off the road after hearing a caller on WEEI's "Planet Mikey Show" (does anyone else have an innate distrust of grown men who still use a diminutive nickname?) confidently proclaim that Manny should be traded because "he's done - he has, what, a .200 on-slugging percentage?" There are many good reasons why it makes sense to trade Manny; the fact that, six games into the season, he wasn't crushing the ball isn't one of them. Most players can deal with this type of knee-jerk criticism, just as most players can deal with being booed. But some can't. And some simply don't want to. (Manny - and yes, I know he's also out of his skull - also has cause to complain about the off-field demands of playing in Boston.)

Dice-K could very well end up being one of the game's elite pitchers (just as Beckett could have a great year ... but after only two games, I'm not yet convinced). I've never seen anyone throw four plus pitches as confidently as he does, and that's including Pedro. Thankfully, the language barrier will likely keep him from being subjected to the worst the local populace has to offer. But I couldn't help but notice that while the Mariners were hitting lasers of Matsuzaka, another phenom, Seattle's Felix Hernandez, was pitching an absolute gem of a game. Remember him? King Felix exploded into the baseball universe two years ago. He struggled a bit last year to the tune of a 12-14 and an ERA above the league average. And guess what? Seattle fans didn't try to run him out of town. So far this season, he's 2-0 with a complete game one-hitter under his belt, 18 strikeouts, and a 0.00 ERA. If King Felix pitched for the Sox, they'd be building a shrine on Lansdowne Street. Of course, if King Felix pitched for the Sox, who knows what could have happened last year. Boston can be tough on rookies. Just ask Cla Meredith.

*** Note: there may not have been that much of a frenzy at this game, but I was 11. It felt frenzied to me. Of course, I was also traumatized at that game by needing to pee in one of the blessedly defunct Fenway troughs.

Because we grew up in the middle of a cornfield surrounded by nothing but grain silos and chubby cows, the whole Boston Red Sox/New York Yankees madness sometimes escapes us. But even we can't ignore the inherent excitement of a Dice-K vs. Ichiro matchup tonight at Fenway Park.

If we were having any trouble having our interest nerves rankled, here's a DOUBLE HAPPY SMILEY YOW! quote from Ichiro about the matchup that will stir the souls of even the most placid observer.

"I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul," he says. "I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

Outstanding. Totally reminds us of when Manny Ramirez said something similar about facing Mariano Rivera for the first time.

"You know what would be great right now? A sandwich. Sandwiches are awesome."

They are awesome. They really are.

Dice-K Vs. Ichiro: History To Repeat [Seattle Times]
Our Flag To April's Breeze Unfurled [Soxaholix]

What officially happened was absolutely nothing, and nothing official can happen until today at 1:05.

It snowed fiercely at Jacobs Field yesterday... in the top of the 5th inning, Grady Sizemore used his lightsaber to cut open the belly of a big snow camel, and put his hands inside it for warmth.

Meanwhile, Indians pitcher Paul Byrd had Jose Lopez at a count of 1-2... literally 1 pitch away from this game being official. But the snow picked up even more, and that's when Mike Hargrove came out and started bitching to the ump... and eventually got the game called. They do the whole thing over again today. It never happened. Said Paul Byrd:

"It's just really hard to take, period. After the game, seeing all the guys laughing in the (Seattle) dugout was hard to take as well. It looked like they got away with something, and I think they did."

I think you're onto something there, Paul Byrd.

Snow stops opener as Tribe poised to win [Canton Rep]
Mike Hargrove is a Genius [Seattlest]

From With Leather yesterday: For the Seattle Mariners' home opener, they brought out some great names for Mariners lore. Making an appearance: Jay Buhner, who has been out of the game for a while and is perhaps confused how the whole "ass pat" thing works.

Jay Buhner Still Has The Magic [With Leather]

All right, last one of the day until tomorrow ... we think this is actually the easiest division to pick, which is why, obviously, we're going to have it entirely wrong.

1. Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim. That pitching staff is a little crazy, and hey, look, it's Gary Matthews. Nice to have you here, man!
2. Texas Rangers. If the Rangers win the World Series this year, Showalter's officially hanging himself.
3. Oakland Athletics. We can see things taking a bad turn this year, though we still hope they enjoy all the ghost-riding.
4. Seattle Mariners. It's cute that they keep playing, it really is.

All right, take us home ... big day tomorrow, so play all night and rest up.

Via Seattlest and The Fanhouse, here's a video of some sort of "mind challenge" game show featuring the Mariners' Ichiro Suzuki. He seems to rather serious about the game, and, frankly, we're kind of intimidated, even though, obviously, we have no idea what he's saying.