Question: My child attends Whiz Kids Daycare, which is right next to where the new generator building is going. I know our generator building now can be loud and give off smoke. Will this new building have any negative affect on the daycare?

Answer: The construction of the second generator facility and all of its operating features, including the generators themselves, comply fully with Connecticut Department of Environmental Protection and the US EPA's regulations governing emissions and public safety.

In other words ... get your kid a gas mask, cross your fingers and, seriously, if you were a good parent, you'd stay at home with the child anyway.

(We've officially milked this thing until it was spitting blood. We'll stop now.)

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]

Question: Is there or could there be an option to receive a pay check once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live pay check to pay check. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.

Answer: All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.

First off, we feel obliged to point out that receiving a check once a week rather than once every two weeks does not, in fact, "help tremendously," unless, of course, you are a drug addict. (We agree: Irvin!) Of all the questions, this is the one that John Skipper must have been biting his knuckles to force himself not to be sarcastic. Being able to answer this question with a straight face? That, friends, is the mark of a true leader.

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]

Question: Can employees keep the trees that ESPN throws away when doing new construction?

Answer: No, employees cannot keep the trees. ESPN analyzes all trees and shrubs that are scheduled to be displaced. Once it is determined which trees and shrubs can survive the move we have them bagged, tagged and relocated. Anything left is then the possession of the contractor. Many of the trees and shrubs at the cafe project have been transplanted at building 4 and other locations on the campus.

As the memo demonstrates, John Skipper is very careful to parse his words when answering employee concerns. But there is one response in which he ditches the doublespeak and lays the company's position out bluntly; let the damn chips fall where they may.

"No. Employees cannot keep the trees."

Is that clear enough for you, Tirico? Exit your vehicle and hand over the sapling, or you will be tasered. We're not telling you again.

It's nice to know that, even though Chris Mortensen got the Michael Vick indictment story completely wrong, ESPN shows careful concern over analyzing its trees and shrubs. The company does not take its environmental stewardship lightly. For, as Woody Allen said: "Only God can make a tree. Probably because it's so hard to get the bark on."

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]

Question: With the switch to Verizon for ESPN phone content, will our company phones, (Treos), be switched to Verizon?

Answer:There are no plans to switch to Verizon. Verizon does not offer international coverage and it would be a lot of work to constantly swap a Verizon phone for a Cingular phone based on international travel. It also would require two processes to manage the phones, one for each vendor. Currently our rates are the same, if not better, with Cingular.

As most of you know, Verizon is the carrier for the new revamped ESPN Mobile; you need a Verizon plan to get the service. ESPN employees, logically, wonder if this means they have to switch. Skipper informs that not only do they not have to switch, but that the Verizon competitor ESPN regularly uses has cheaper rates that the company ESPN has a multi-million-dollar deal with.

We're sure Verizon is just doing backflips to learn that the head of ESPN is openly telling his employees that their phone service is inferior.

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]

Question: What qualities do you feel a Leader should possess?

Answer: For guidance, please review the Leadership Competencies in Performance Connection on the intranet for information on what is expected of a leader. Another good source for guidance is your department's HR generalist.

Honestly, this is exactly what Winston Churchill answered when he was asked what made a leader: Consult the employee handbook!

This is truly the greatest, most valuable quality a Leader could possible possess: The ability to dodge your question and refer you to someone in the HR department. Lead on, Mr. Skipper! We'll follow you into Hell!

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]