Okay, not quite. Her parents were hippie drifters who occasionally did some light hoboing. But that's good enough for me. Selena and I also talk about the criticism her book has received, particularly from Murray Chass and Jason Whitlock. Roberts believes that Whitlock's criticism of her as a "hardcore feminist" could be a not-so-subtle dig at her homosexuality.

As for Chass, Roberts defends her use of anonymous sources. She also defends what she called "the omniscient voice" she uses in the book, which states facts about A-Rod without attribution (Example from page 145: "Alex was believed to have moved from Deca to Primo (two types of steroids) during the spring"), though she says she probably could have been more specific and mentioned that various sources corroborated the information. And, as a paragon of journalistic virtue myself, I agree. FIX YO SOURCES.

She also recounts the time, during her tenure at the NYT, when Chass sent her a long-winded email castigating her for sitting in his chair. Because he's a cranky old sack of shit, you see.

I also ask Roberts about the voluminous criticism she continues to get from Duke lacrosse supporters. She argues it's her job as a columnist to take hard stances, and she accepts any criticism she gets in return. She also says she wasn't the only one to criticize the Duke program right from the outset (she's right), but that people have made her the face of the enemy.

Finally, we get into her "ban" from ESPN, and then I subject Selena to a round of stupid questions. All in all, a decent way to spend 45 minutes in your car. In the meantime, since I read the whole damn book for this interview, here are some choice quotes and factoids from "A-Rod":

Page 87 – Former Mariner teammate: "He'd put one of those self-help books in front of his locker. He wanted us to see it: Look, I'm improving myself."

Page 95 – "Alex can't stand fat people," one friend says, "he really can't be around them." (Better not introduce him to KOGOD, then.)

Page 127 – "A clubhouse attendant was required to place toothpaste on Alex's toothbrush after every game." (See, this is the last thing I'd make a lackey do. There's no easier way for your toothbrush to end up inside someone's asshole than by making them paste it for you.)

Page 142 – "He came to me after the wedding and asked, ‘What do married people do?" a former teammate recalls." (Alex, I have no fucking idea.)

Page 165 – A-Rod's pickup line to women out clubbing: "Who's hotter: me or Derek Jeter?" (Jeter! Definitely!)

Page 172 – "Alex was known to venture into Iniquity – a swinger's club in Dallas."

Page 173 - "He would use corny pickup lines on a (teammate's) wife."

Page 185 – "Some (Yankee) teammates began to privately call him Bitch Tits"

Page 196 – "He is so infatuated with (Tom) Brady that buddies would joke about their bromance" (GAH!)

Finally, A-Rod was known to recite self-help haikus to himself. I found some online. Here's one:

Analyzing my
want, I found it was wanting.
But not wanting me.

Well, that's just fucking retarded.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I try and get Selena to make fun of Mitch Albom's ears.

PHOTO: NYMag.com

A sampling (everything sic'd):

kjenfan (United States): Rather, as in her DESERVEDLY maligned handling of the Duke lacrosse team story, she comes across as someone with an agenda that has little to do with the facts.

J. Wells (Hartford, CO): This is the woman who convicted the Duke lacrosse team in column after column and when it came out that she had used a column in one of the world's most prominent newspapers to heap scorn on three innocent college kid's, she couldn't even admit she was wrong, much less issue an apology.

Justin B (Monterey, CA United States): One can only "speculate" that Ms. Roberts has some kind of personal grudge, either against Mr. Rodriguez or successful male athletes in general, given her irresponsible coverage of the Duke lacrosse team.

O. B. Jective "OBJ" (Memphis, TN): If she is shown to be a liar several years from now, I hope she provides a better defense than when she was taken to task over her unconscionable handling of the Duke Lacrosse incident.

H. Parks (Seattle, WA): Her bogus coverage of the Duke Lacrosse case is prime example of her 'journalism'.

B. Sanford: First the Duke scandal and now this. Selena Roberts is a joke!

B. Smith (Dubai, UAE): It is shameful, just like her reporting on the Duke Lacrosse Team.

Jason Luu (Washington, DC): Lets not forget that Selena Roberts wrote a malicious piece that trounced the real victims in the Duke La Cross case, acting as if she knew beyond a matter of fact they were guilty before they were cleared of all wrong doing and has refused to apologize or retract her erroneous statement.

Herman Cost (New York, New York): Any reader of Selena Robert's journalism in the Duke lacrosse team matter, had more than an inkling what to expect here: innuendo, anonymous "sources", a preconceived agenda without any objectivity at all, and witless sensationalism.

RALPH R. CARRIERI (ST. JAMES, NY USA): Remember, this is the same author whoe helped ruin the lives of the Duke Lacrosse players by her using "one-sided journalism", causing death threats to these young men who were ultimately exonerated.

West Villager (New York, NY United States): Remember: Selena Roberts is the reporter who presumed guilt of the Duke lacrosse players a few years ago.

psychguru (Jersey Shore): It should also be added that the author's journalistic integrity/reputation is also tainted because of her misguided unapologetic coverage of the Duke lacrosse team rape allegations.

Phaedrus: To accept such sources one has to believe the author has a history of credibility. She obviously doesn't as evidenced by her published work on the Duke lacrosse case.

F. Bluhm: Sorry, but any respect I had for Selena Roberts as a credible journalist faded long ago with her writings/rantings in the New York Times depicting the innocent Duke lacrosse players as liars and cowards, and much worse.

BOTH RULE (New York, NY): After the whole Duke Lacrosse team mess, I can't believe so many people are willing to believe everything she writes.

Brian Lemaresquier "BeatleBriL" (NY USA): This is a reporter who led a smear campaign against The Duke Lacrosse team with false allegations far more serious than anything she implies on Rodriguez making it plausible she wouldn't have an issue writing a book that dubbed someone an egotistical doper.

In the face of such (suspiciously) uniform derision, perhaps one of her former Times colleagues might like to rush to her defense. How about you, cryptoblogger Murray Chass?

"Roberts has written a book about Alex Rodriguez, and it is a journalistic abomination. ... Roberts has been a newspaper and magazine reporter and columnist and as such has practiced the craft of journalism. Based on the book, however, she needs a lot more practice. ... She also didn't strike me as being a top-flight reporter. ... I should also disclose that after Roberts became a columnist for the Times I found her baseball columns to be shallow and superficial, and she demonstrates her lack of baseball knowledge in the book."

Oh, well. At least he didn't mention the Duke lacrosse case.

ESPN's already been accused of blackballing Selena Roberts (which the WWL dismisses as a bit of an overstatement) during her Whitlock-torpedoed book tour, but unless Roger Clemens has changed his approach to how he's handling his own steroid/lady-loving rumors publicly, he's probably not going to be commending Selena on her anonymous-sourcing when he talks to Golic and Greenberg. Unfortunately, this interview won't be done in-studio, so ESPN 2 early morning viewers (oh, and radio listeners) won't be able to see how The Rocket's new highlights are holding up.

ESPN Bans Selena Roberts From Appearing On Network [Page Six]

Whitlock took his legitimate concern about her book's sourcing and then, once again, turned the conversation back toward the arena where he's most comfortable: Unhinged lunacy. In the span of a ten minute interview, Whitlock characterized Roberts as a person who "does not understand men that well" and then haphazardly likens her to Al Sharpton, for reasons I still don't quite understand, all stemming from the idea that she's written a book that used some not-so-journalism-y practices.

Whitlock's main contention is that Selena's book shouldn't be discussed by the likes of Patrick and Costas and that "she needs to be on 1st and 10 with Skip Bayless" instead, due to the gossipy nature of "The Many Lives Of Alex Rodriguez."

Plus? She has a hidden agenda. And people with hardcore agendas should not be trusted. Hmmm.

"We're being asked to trust someone who is hardcore feminist. [T]o me she's almost no different than Al Sharpton."

And why did she write the book?

"I think she write the book to be make money. [She's] playing by celebrity gossip book rules, we're reacting to it like it's Woodward and Bernstein but it's not," Whitlock said.

Then, mysteriously, the conversation veered off into what-about-Dan territory where Whitlock hypothesized that since Patrick (and Olbermann) were "big fish on campus" (ha) at ESPN, that if a book were ever written about some of the conjecture and hearsay surrounding their time at Bristol, they wouldn't like it too much. Then the show mysteriously cuts off.

Yeah. That would suck if something like that was in the works.

Jason Whitlock Discusses Selena Roberts' A-Rod Book [SI]

So why the sudden shift? Joe Girardi has an excuse because Bitch Tits plays for him and , regardless of how wretched he thinks Bitch Tits is, he can't say that in public. Some of the main disputes of the book are that anonymous sources and hearsay are used to prove once and for all that Bitch Tits is the most Deplorable Human Being To Ever Play Professional Baseball. And one of the other issues gnawing at people is that Roberts was part of the New York Times smear campaign against the Duke lacrosse players falsely accused of rape. Our best friend Jason Whitlock does a fine job isolating this fact.

But one of the writers most upset about the publishing of her book — calling it a 272-page blog post — is young Kyle Munzenrieder of the Miami New Times. Unlike the other journalists and bloggers picking at Roberts, Munzenrieder actually does have a personal problem with her. You see, Munzenrieder was the heroic blogger who introduced the world to the infamous "7th Floor Crew" back in 2005. Roberts, still untarnished by the lure of gossip-heavy journalism at that point, harshly criticized Kyle and "college sports' growing Internet paparazzi" in a column for the NY Times.

Here's the lede paragraph from that piece:

FORGIVE the Miami student blogger named Kyle, as his eyelids are as heavy as a convertible's ragtop. Controversy creationism is exhausting.

It's somewhat ironic that Roberts is being accused of the same "controversy creationism" that she was so appalled by back in 2005. No word on how heavy her eyelids are at this point into her whirlwind media tour.

A-Rod Tells Of PEDs, Relationships [MLB.com]

Tonight, Roberts joins Bob Costas on MLB Network at 7:00 PM ET for a chat to discuss all things A-Rod. Will we learn anything new about the purple-lipped one? At this point, is there anything she could say about Rodriguez that would actually surprise anyone? If we find out he's a high-ranking member of the Church of Scientology, or that he has a clown fetish, would anyone be shocked? Tune in and find out anyway, then report back.

****

Another weekend in the books. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Seacrest out.

The difference between yesterday's revelations and today's are that this batch of "bombshells" actually make Alex Rodriguez look like a stand up guy. For starters, he brushes his teeth after every game. What's not to admire about that? Yes, he made a clubhouse attendant put the toothpaste on his toothbrush for him, but that's just a time-saving measure.

The book also claims that A-Rod used to brag about "wild nights with strippers," which sounds like every locker room (or office conference room, for that matter) that I've ever been in, and that he would make awkward passes at teammates' wives and girlfriends. Hey, if you're going to be a swinger you've got to take a few swings and misses, am I right?

The News also reiterates the tired story that Rodriguez is "obsessed" with Derek Jeter. Who isn't!? Approaching women in clubs and asking them if you're more attractive than the Jeet Dog is an excellent way to gauge your standing in the world. You have to set the bar for yourself.

Besides, who else is he going to look up to? Doug Mientkiewicz? (Who by the way, was a high school teammate of A-Rod's and says the steroid accusations are bunk. Actually, maybe he's not a bad role model either.)

New book: A-Rod demanded food, toothbrush be prepared; Yankees teammates viewed him as phony [NY Daily News]
Doug Mientkiewicz never saw Alex Rodriguez use steroids in high school - Los Angeles Times [LA Times]

We did learn, however, that HarperCollins is moving up the release date of Selena Roberts' book by a full week as a result of the Daily News and their apparently unauthorized leaking shenanigans. It will now drop on May 4. Oh, and the actual title of the book is ... wait for it ... "A-Rod." I guess "Bitch Tits" was already taken.

Finally, and most importantly, we did get this important update about the gratuity polices at Hooters on the hotline:

Just read your post about the A-Rod book. While I do not know anything about his alleged steriod use, I do know about his tipping prowess. In case you didnt know, Hooters adds 15 percent to all of their checks, even if you just order a soda. Not a lot of people tip more on included gratuity. However, I work in a restaurant that doesnt add gratuity and have waited on A-Rod a few times. Each time he has left at least 20 bucks, regardless of the bill total.

Well, that's nice. Unless the average total bill in your restaurant is $350, in which case Alex Rodriguez is still a total dick. And by the way, why would Hooters, of all places, enforce mandatory gratuities? Isn't the whole point of scandalously clad barmaids to maximize tip value based on bra size and cleavage parabolas? It seems like enforcing the 15% tip rule would simply discourage extra tipping and result in an artificial cap on your waitresses' earning potential. These are the mysteries of the universe that keep me up at night.

Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod of New York Yankees on steroid allegations [ESPN, autoplay warning]

There's enough scandal and intrigue in just one little newspaper page to fill ... well, a book. Among the tales contained in the forthcoming tome: more accusations of HGH use, this time with the Yankees (and Kevin Brown), A-Rod's nasty poker habit, his "out-of-town floozies", conspiracies with players on opposing teams to pad stats, and allegations from former teammates—and Jose Canseco!—that Alex was on steroids as early as his high school career.

Rodriguez put on 25 pounds of muscle between his sophomore and junior years, and word was that his connection was a dog kennel owner. A former high school teammate told Roberts the future No.1 MLB draft pick was on steroids and his coach knew it. Another student said the son of coach Rich Hofman admitted he saw Rodriguez use steroids.

Hofman said it was news to him. "Whatever he was doing, he was doing it somewhere else," he said.

The Daily News also says the Roberts book "dishes up a highly unflattering portrait of A-Rod as a needy me-firster who had to have his ego constantly stroked." Gee, really? SPOILER ALERT! Did you know he's also bad tipper at Hooters! Plus, he just looks like the kind of guy who would kick puppies for fun.

But the coup de grace of the entire volume has to be the nugget about A-Rod's new nickname, given to him by his Yankee teammates in 2005: "Bitch Tits." Yeah, this is going to be a good two weeks.

A-Rod took steroids while with Yankees, and as teen, claims new book [New York Daily News]

Roberts, of course, is not only the co-author of the SI story that broke the amazing tale of his failed drug test, she is also working on book about A-Rod that is due out this spring. He claims that she has been a bit um ... "unprofessional" in her pursuit of his dirty secrets. In the interview he claimed that she was thrown out of his New York apartment building, kicked off the University of Miami campus by police, and (amazingly) that she tried to break into his house—where his children sleep!—and he has the "paper" to prove it just right here off camera.

Roberts categorically denied all those claims, and explained the incident at his house thusly: "She said the police were called to answer a guard's question about whether the island A-Rod's home is on was public or private property." (Doesn't really seem like something you would call the police for unless things got a little heated, but okay.) Still, it takes pretty tremendous balls to call out someone else's behavior, when you are in the middle of begging the nation for forgiveness. Was he just exaggerating or is he completely bonkers? Or did she really cross a line at some point? If only there was an aggressive national reporter out there willing to do anything to uncover the truth....

Alex Rodriguez takes shots at Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts [Sun Times]
SI's Selena Roberts tells her side of the A-Rod story [Dan Patrick]
Selena Roberts Q&A on A-Rod [SI]
Related?: The Color Purple [NY Mag, 1999, via Gawker]

(P.S. I and my computer accept some of the blame for A-Rods excessive redness. I wasn't intentionally trying make him look like the devil. Honest.)