What Serena apparently said to the line judge after odd foot-fault call was some variation of this fuckin'-filled tirade:

I swear to God, I'm fuckin' takin' this ball and shovin' it in(?) your fuckin' throat… I swear to God."

Now is that two snaps or three?

Serena's outburst and her sassified post-match press conference will receive the appropriate level of finger-wagging tomorrow. Hopefully, Whitlock will chime in.

The premise of this Whitlockian screed was to, I guess, provide ample evidence about how Serena falls short of being an enduring icon because she consistently underachieves: "With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks." There were many ways to construct this column but, Whitlock, God bless his feisty little heart, decided to once again let his id grab the wheel.

Let's parse:

• "She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands...[S]eriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?"

• "And you probably think I don't like Serena. You're wrong. I love her. She's the main reason I watch tennis. She's fascinating. Her power and skill are breathtaking. And when she's in shape, she's every bit as sexy as Beyonce."

• "During this year's Wimbledon, Serena and Safina played Court 2 while hot, lesser stars battled on Centre Court. Safina can blame genetics for her fate. Serena only has herself to blame. God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks...She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round. "

• "Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton. I know that's harsh. Serena's accomplishments are far more substantive than Hilton's. But Paris Hilton doesn't have one discernible skill (that I can publish in this column without earning it an R rating). Hilton's monumental overachievement is her accomplishment of becoming a celebrity."

So he went down that blubbery road and it was quicklinked on Jezebel yesterday so, obviously, theircommenters were not too supportive of his opinion::

•" I know I should come up with something intelligent or thoughtful in response to this piece of shit's article, but I'd rather just punch him in the face. HARD!

Hold me back, y'all, HOLD ME THE FUCK BACK!!!"

•"The only thing he is provoking is me having an aneurysm.

I suspect he has a very tiny penis. "

• "I just read it and I'm almost sick. He should be fired. Nasty fat fuck."

• "OK, so aside from all the other idiocy in the article, I am a bit confused about how either "stuffed onion," or "oozing pumpkin" are apt descriptions of a round butt? Maybe he needs to work on his metaphors before he complains about how other people do their jobs?"

And we're off! Anyway, his point is this: you cannot be the best ever and Rosa Parks with an oozing-pumpkin butt. The end.

Serena could be the best ever, but...[Fox Sports]

Venus is going for her third straight (and sixth career) Wimbledon singles title, while Serena is trying to up her Grand Slam finals record against big sis to 6-2 (and she's got two Wimbledon titles herself). The sisters have met 20 times previously on tour; they've each won 10 of 'em.

But does this sibling rivalry manifest itself away from tennis? Not really, says Venus: "We're not that competitive off court, she just tricks me a lot. But I'm getting hip to that now. We'll be in the store, I'll try something on and she'll say 'that doesn't look good'. As soon as I put it down, she'll put it on".

Said an eye-rolling Wladimir Klitschko: "Tell me about it, sister."

Venus and Serena are currently in a tiebreak in the first set.

UPDATE: Serena wins. That last game was kind of exciting...I guess.

I won't show sister Serena any mercy in Wimbledon final, says Venus [Daily Record]

The men's game relegates the Centre Court to top competitors, but fans of the women's game may have noticed the lassies trotting out there on Friday were none other than Victoria Azarenka of Belarus battling against Romania's Sorana Cirstea. Cirstea was seeded 28 while Azarenka is ranked and seeded eighth. Oh and who was shoved over to Court 2? Serena Williams and Italian Roberta Vinci.

The move to put the sexpottier gals on Centre Court is supposedly being done to keep BBC viewers happy — even the ones who don't like tennis, but may enjoy watching buxom 19-year-old girls in mini-skirts knocking around yellow balls.

The network denies any involvement in the court selection. They'll take it though:

'It's the Wimbledon play committee, not us who decides on the order of play.But obviously it's advantageous to us if there are good-looking women players on Centre Court.

And to make matters worse, The Daily Mail has included a delightful photo spread indicating which ladies are Centre Court-caliber players and the Marla Hooches doomed to the side courts. This seems like the type of story that may upset a few people.

Babe, set and match: Why looks count for more than talent when Wimbledon decides which girls will play on Centre Court [Daily Mail]

In addition to the cheating allegations, Williams also suffered a violent coughing fit during her three-set victory that had most of the crowd at Roland Garros confused. Williams says these sort of things just happen to her because she's Serena and being Serena requires a certain amount of patience for inevitable wacky situations:

"I'm like one of those girls on a reality show that has all the drama, and everyone in the house hates them because no matter what they do, like, drama follows them," Williams said. "I don't want to be that girl."

Now back to the "cheating" scandal: Sanchez charged the net, the ball appeared to hit off her arm (an automatic loss of point) and Williams argued with the umpire about it. She also added that Sanchez "better not come to the net again" which seemed to imply that her Spanish opponent would end up with a ball lodged in her thorax if she did. Sanchez dismissed Serena's allegations as "stupid" (or stupida, I guess) and moved on. Serena realizes her comments were out of line though, but blamed her reaction on the neighborhood she grew up in.

"Well, you know, I am from Compton, so, you know..."

Serena also added that when she's called off, she's got a saw-off and she'll squeeze the trigger where bodies will be hauled off.

Drama Follows Serena [LAT]
Serena Williams Is A Drama Queen [Chicago Tribune]

After wiping the floor with Dinara Safina 6-0, 6-3 Saturday to win the Australian Open for her 10th Grand Slam title, Serena took time to pose with her trophy in the most modest way possible.

The victory is Serena's second major win in a row and returns her to her rightful place as the number one-ranked female in the world.

And the Aussies — they love their Serena. So she says.

“I absolutely, clearly, love playing here,” the 27-year-old Williams said. “You guys root for me so much. I don’t get that everywhere. So thank you so much.”

Serena Williams Wins 10th Grand Slam Singles Title [Yahoo!]

PHOTO: ">Yahoo Sports Gallery

Anyway, I guess that's how they figured it was a good idea to play a Grand Slam tennis event in the middle of January, but upon further review, the folks Down Under probably should have waited until what ever month their fall happens. (July? November? Who knows what's going on down there?) It has been unbearably hot in Melbourne this week. It was about 110F during the first set of Serena Williams' Australian Open quarterfinal match against Russia's Svetlana Kuznetsova. A set that Kuznetsova won 7-5 as Serena had "an out-of-body experience." ("I felt I was watching someone play in a blue dress, and it wasn't me, because it was so hot out there," she said. "And I kept trying to tell myself that it's not hot. But it got hotter.")

So tournament officials took a 27-minute break, closed the retractable roof at Rod Laver Arena, the temperature dropped, and Williams rallied from match point—she also had her rackets restrung—to win 5-7, 7-5, 6-1. That pivotal decision to close roof has everyone asking ... shenanigans?

Just a day before, Andy Roddick played four sets on the same court, in nearly the same level of heat, and tournament officials did not close the roof... even after his opponent, defending champ Novak Djokovic, needed a medical timeout due to heat stress. (He eventually retired in the fourth set.) So why close it now? To help the biggest name left in the draw stay alive a little longer?

"I think the guys yesterday, it was the same weather. Everybody was playing with the roof (open). Why today they had to close it? I didn't get it. That was why I was angry."

"Why should I not be?" Kuznetsova said. "Game going my way. I was very comfortable playing outside. It's two different games. One you play inside; one you play outside. Serena was tough. She's playing great. I give her credit. But I don't get this rule."

Kuznetsova admits that she still blew an golden opportunity, but is the tournament playing favorites? Open officials busted out some nonsense about the "Wet Bulb Globe measure," which I think is what they call the giant weather machine that makes it 100 degrees in January. I'm on to you, you Aussie devils!

Serena to play Dementieva in Australian Open semis [AP/Google]
Ousted Kuznetsova left hot and bothered by heat policy [Guardian]

While yesterday's matches featured a bit more off-the-court action than organizers had hoped for, what with the chair-throwing mini-riot and the free-range wang-danglers, today attention was focused back on the tennis. Number one-seeded Nadal dusted off Tammy Haas in straight sets, while the fourth-seeded Murray did the same to Jurgen Melzer. The two are still on track to square off in the semis, in just the latest incarnation of that classic Spanish-Scottish rivalry.

Meanwhile, on the women's side, Serena Williams easily knocked off China's Peng Shuai (U-S-A! U-S-A!) to keep her quest for a tenth Grand Slam title on track. Serena also bravely shared her recollection of the disturbing events from her previous match:

I noticed he didn't have underwear on. I thought, 'OK, I must be seeing things.' Then I just thought, 'my eyes, my innocent eyes'

Friggin' Australians, traumatizing innocent North American athletes. Just for that, I'm deleting Flight of the Conchords from my "Scheduled Recordings" list.

Nadal, Murray dominate at Australian Open [AP]

The second-ranked Jankovic, who was No. 1 for a week last month, might have lost the match but she won over the Arthur Ashe Stadium crowd during the award presentation. She started off by thanking everyone and her drivers. While accepting the runner-up trophy, she said: “I lost my No. 1 ranking. It’s not fair.”

Then, as Williams was being presented with her $1.5 million check, Jankovic asked, “How much did I get?”

The answer, as she would soon find out, was $750,000. “So now I have a lot of money to spend,” she said, laughing, in her news conference. “Tomorrow is my day to go shopping.”

That shopping spree should be interesting. Right now all of the fetish shops in the New York City area are bracing for some big business.

Serena Williams Wins U.S. Open, Returns To No. 1 [NY Times]

• How would you like to be a 41-year-old woman that everyone introduces by saying, "This is 41-year-old Dara Torres." Suck. Torres, who actually did some sideline reporting for NBC in their XFL coverage back in the day, has some experience with being a freak, and nearly capped off her Olympic comeback with gold. She missed Germany's Britta Steffen by 1/100th of a second in the 50-meter freestyle final. The silver is Torres' 11th Olympic medal. Nice going, mom.

• Raphael Nadal won Spain's first-ever gold in men's tennis, beating Fernando Gonzalez of Chile. He will officially dethrone Roger Federer as the world's number one ranked men's player on Monday. Federer lost to James Blake (USA! USA!) in the quarterfinals.

• Oh, and the Willams sisters kicked the shit out of everyone to win gold in women's doubles.

Lucky for London, Richard Williams won't be causing any havoc in the stands, knocking straweberries out of bored spectator's hands. According to ESPN, he'll fly back to the United States on Friday and "doesn't plan to watch a single point of the final on television", because he can't bear to watch. Will Ferrell won't be there either, as far as I know.

Venus Rolls past Dementiva; Serena beats Zheng [ESPN]

Many viewers have expressed their disgust with the comments of analyst Roger Rasheed, but we think the blame rests more with the guy in the production truck who provided the slow motion replay of Serena Williams' buttocks. At a certain point, didn't Rasheed have to say something?

Aussie Open Announcer's Profound Admiration [Sports By Brooks]

Earlier today (or yesterday, or whatever the heck time it is in Australia), Serena Williams lost in the French Open. Fortunately, this video, from our friends at The Fanhouse, reveals that her time in France was anything but a waste. It's cute: She dances like our aunt at a wedding. Of course, our aunt's usually drunk.

We'll be up watching ESPN all night, so, you know, feel free to drop us a line and say hi. Sleep is for the weak.

Serena Departs French Open, Taking Viewing Public With Her [The Fanhouse]

"It was an awesome win, because I had so many critics. So many people ... saying negative things," Williams said. "Saying I wasn't fit, when I felt that I was really fit, and I could last three sets.

"It's always like, tell me no and I'll show you that I can do it. I get the greatest satisfaction just holding up the Grand Slam trophy and proving everyone wrong."

This is all very bad news for every other female on the planet who thinks they can play tennis. Serena missed almost all of last year with a knee injury, and had just three competitive matches under her belt before mowing through a major championship like Maurice Clarett goes through the cookies in the commissary.

The promoters technically won their case, although they weren't awarded any damages. But what's most interesting here is that the promoters said a male vs. female tennis match could have made $45 million. That might be high, but I can honestly say that if I could have one dream tennis match for 2007, it would be one of the top female players against a past-his-prime man. Having Venus or Serena take on John McEnroe would be a ratings bonanza, and I'll personally sign on to promote it, as long as Richard Williams agrees.

In Court, Nothing But Love For Venus And Serena [Roy S. Johnson's Sports Blog]