After finishing 75 and 74 on the weekend, Garcia complained that the course is "too tricky" and not "fair" and something about mudballs in the fairway. Garcia was complaining before he even got to Augusta, he complained during the tournament and now he's complaining after, even trashing the sacred land of the Masters course. (As Padrig Harrington helpfully points out, it was one the easiest Masters setups in years.)

I find it hilarious whenever professional golfers cry that a course is "not fair." (You hear this a lot at the U.S. Open, which will often go to great lengths to baffle players.) First of all: you're all playing the same course, so every tournament is technically fair. Second: Aren't you supposed to be a professional? Third: Now you know how the rest of us feel, you big baby.

Golf is supposed to be a frustrating and obnoxious sport. You only do it to get out of the house and drink beer outside and drive those little carts around. The game itself is designed to crush your spirit and drive you mad. Ask any golfer—if it was easy, it wouldn't be fun.

So quite whining or go be an accountant. You know what really isn't fair? That fact no one got a free golf club this year because Sergio Garcia can't putt at Augusta.

Sergio Garcia is a Whiny Bitch [Legend OF Cecilio Guante]
No free drivers thanks to Sergio's sad finish [Examiner]

TaylorMade Will Give You Free Golf Clubs (If Sergio Wins the Masters) [Dogs Chasing Cars]

Holy crap, this has been some crazy golf, if in fact you believe that golf can ever be classified as such. Sergio and Paddy have alternated between brilliant and befuddled, while Curtis, the only man who can keep the Euro's 77-year tournament winless streak alive, has remained equal one hole behind.

What an incredible trip down the 18th hole for the tournaments penultimate pairing. After picking up a birdie on the par 3 17th Paddy's layup attempt on found deep rough, but the ball sat up, albeit against the thick grain. However Sergio also struggled with the course's toughest hole, leaving himself with an awkward second shot on the bank of a fairway bunker. His approach found the bunker, and Harrington put himself in a position to win with a par. When the pressure was on, Harrington nailed another crucial putt to at least assure himself of a playoff if Curtis could somehow hole out.

Needless to say, Sergio missed his par putt and everybody had a fun little flashback to the '07 British Open. You know, the one where Sergio totally fucking blew it. No not that one, the other one. Yeah, that's the one.

Honestly, I was kind of hoping Sergio would finally get off the schneid when it comes to the majors, but it looks like Harrington will win his second in a row after successfully defending that Open title. Players like Paddy show exactly why golf doesn't always need Tiger for thrilling fan-friendly competition, but the galleries were a bit sparse.

And it's officially over for Ben Curtis, leaving Padraig Harrington the winner of his third major. Just don't tell this guy...

Players to Watch: I’ll tell you who’s not going to win it…Paddy Harrington. Why? Because he’s not really THAT good, how’s that for starters? Sure, he’s a multiple major champion and a genuinely cool dude... but he doesn’t have the overall game of other Euro’s like Sergio and Lee Westwood.

Dagger.

In all seriousness, and fairness to Sergio, he is a hell of a golfer who will win that major one day. In the meantime, he remains the best player in the world without one.

Bad MS Paint by Flubby

Fresh off his one-stroke 18 hole playoff loss to Tiger, the man, the myth, the legend, Rocco Mediate clocked in his first round at -1. So if you had a dream that man boobs were going to own the British Open and you rushed to Vegas to lay your money on Phil, you picked the wrong tits.

Only three players were able to break par. One guy who finished even? 53 year old Greg Norman. Norman last won a major in 1993. Of course he collapsed in the 1996 Masters and later threw a party where President Clinton tore his ACL, but other than that he's been out of the news. Also, Norman doesn't look 53. I'm pretty sure he could still kick most of our asses.

Like a guy not quite certain if he wants to be a part of the gangbang, Sergio Garcia is lurking at +2.

British Open Leaderboard [CBS]

Apparently Garcia picked up a young girl that attended The Memorial and went on a date with this girl and her hopefully equally attractive friend. Afterward, he took one of the girls home and they proceeded to ... um, play Skip-Bo? I don't really know what a guy and girl do when they're alone at night. Hopefully they didn't go back to her place, because afterward he likely would have been chased around by Judge Smails with a golf club.

But perhaps this explains Garcia's mind wandering as he signed the wrong scorecard yesterday. If I may conjure up a rumor out of nowhere: Garcia had a tawdry fling with an Oklahoma State University co-ed he met during a practice round. Days later, the OSU student in question had just broken up with Boo Weekley. It all makes sense.

Profiles in Courage: Sergio Garcia [The Sports Elitists]
Sergio Garcia Struggles With Remedial Math [Deadspin]

I've always liked the "sign the wrong scorecard and you're disqualified" rule, even if you certify a worse score. And I've always wondered how the official scorekeeper acts as the golfer comes in the clubhouse, and reviews the scorecard. Maybe he behaves like an expert poker player trying to bait his opponent into calling the raise. Once Sergio finished his second cursive "a," perhaps he suddenly blurted out, "WRONG! IT WAS A PAR! YOU'RE OUTTA HERE, LOSER!" That would have been fantastic television.

Poor Sergio Garcia is quickly filling the bingo card of "ways to lose PGA major championships." Next to "18th hole meltdown" (which is actually a free space in the middle with a picture of Phil Mickelson), he can now stamp "incorrect scorecard." To get the diagonal bingo, he needs "throw the 5-iron at a pregnant lady." We might have to wait until next year's U.S. Open for that one.

Garcia DQ'd For Signing Incorrect Scorecard [CBS Sportsline]

Sergio Garcia, not surprisingly, gets it the worst.

Sergio Garcia needs a fresh diaper. Did you hear him crying about how he got lousy breaks and had to beat more than simply the other guys in the field? I guess God, Mother Nature and the Ghosts of Christmas Past were triple-teaming him or something. Sergio, there's only one reason you didn't win at Carnoustie — you shot 73 on an easy scoring day when everyone who could play dead threw up a 67 or a 68. The belly putter is going to give Sergio's game a makeover and make him a realistic threat to finally win a major. Maybe even this one. Before he can do that, though, he needs an attitude adjustment. Or he needs to grow up.

You know, in the old days — whenever the hell they were — an athlete wouldn't have to be anonymous to speak his mind. We do like the image of Sergio Garcia in a diaper, though. All right, no, actually, we don't.

PGA Championship Confidental [Golf.com] (Sports By Brooks)

A victory tomorrow will change the way everyone thinks about Sergio. His much-maligned performances in previous Championships would be tossed out the window and he might just start to gain back some respect on tour. But let's be real, nobody wants to see that happen. The real story of the tournament is the affable Stricker.

The Wisconsin native is playing about as well as anybody in the world right now and I couldn't be more thrilled to see him back on top. I had a chance to follow Stricker at US Open qualifying back when his game had fallen apart. Even though it was a frustrating time in his career he was about as likable as one could be.

Padraig Harrington, my pick to win, is lumped in a large group at -3 containing other stars such as Ernie Els and one of my personal favorites, Chris DiMarcco. Keep an eye out for those guys tomorrow, DiMarcco's claw style putting grip could get hot and knock off Garcia and his fruity belly putter. Go Gators.

Sergio Garcia shamed the game of golf after last weekend's loogie-hocking incident during the 13th hole of CA Championship. His smug attitude already soured some fans and media since his arrival on the tour, and now even some of his minimal supporters have turned on him. (Could you imagine if Joe Buck was broadcasting? He would've completely lost it on the air. Then gone home, punched his wife, had an aneurysm, and died.) It's a bit ironic, though, that a sport that prides itself on gentlemanly conduct is also a game that, on an amateur level, is one that promotes more public urination than any other sport. Has anyone ever played a round of golf either on a public or private course and not pissed on a tree or the side of their golf cart? But spitting — bad form.

If you look at the replay, the whole action seems rather tame. But because it's on the golf course and not, say, the spit-covered streets of Chinatown, there are more people who furiously object. Spitting in Chinatown is somewhat tolerated because — so I've been told — Chinese people believe it's healthy and, also, shoos away those pesky, demonic Grudge-like disturbances: if you hold onto your spit (or swallow it) don't be surprised to go home and find an undead Asian boy thrashing around in your bathtub. If this was Sergio's thought process, I'm sure the hefty fine he'll pay will have been completely worth it.

The reality is that incidents like Mr. Garcia's putt-and-pwooft are just endemic of the way most of our generation's professional athletes behave. If they're not spitting after a missed shot, they're attacking the fans in the stands. Or they're attacking each other at casinos. Or shooting people. Or taking pictures of their freshly shorn pubis region. Or insulting the Jews. Or forcefully entering a teenage hotel employee from behind in a Colorado resort town. Sergio's spitting, for right now, is nothing compared to what we'll see from other athletes in upcoming months, years, and generations.

So, today, I'm throwing down six bottles of Mucinex, stuffing my bottom lip with Kodiak, and calculating odds on what the next on-field appalling act by an athlete will be.

Let's go shopping for some knockoff Prada handbags and tiny pet turtles, after this jump.

Genital Exposure: 2/1

Obscene gestures are outdated. However, it's crucial to leave a lasting impression to show your frustration or to taunt an opponent. Randy Moss's fake moon ("THAT'S A DISGUSTING ACT...") showed us a new technique of how to infuriate other players, refeerees — and Fox sports broadcasters — beyond the typical endzone dancing or spiking in the face. And in professional football, where one-upsmanship is so pervasive, we're not that far removed from a player taking the 15-yard penalty and a game ejection by celebrating and in-your-facing with various parts of their anatomy. Soon, you'll have players not only grabbing themselves, but actually whipping out their monsters in exultation to show up other teams and referees. Although the fines are stricter, you're telling me if Chad Johnson scores a touchdown on a defensive back that's been killing him all day, he's going to let a fine stand in the way of showing that DB "The Gobbler"? And with defensive celebrations becoming common, we aren't too far away from Derrick Burgess unveiling the "Angry Plums" after a big quarterback sack.

Athletes most likely to engage: Chad Johnson, Warren Sapp, Terrell Owens, Javon Walker, Ray Lewis

Defecation: 4/1

These are long odds because of the amount of time it would take to actually take your pants off and poop on the field/court/ice. I'm thinking the best chance for this to happen would be in baseball — after a horribly called third strike, a close play at home plate that costs the game — where sometimes the arguments can continue for a long period of time. Plus, hockey and football uniforms would take too long to strip off. Also, dumping would be a great way to object to a call if you were on a swimming or water polo team. Just think if Michael Phelps was called for illegally using the wall (or whatever the terminology is for that foul) and been denied his world record-breaking time. Dramatic water splashing and barking obscenities would not accurately convey his displeasure. Not as much as a bobbing piece of crap.

Athletes most likely to engage: Milton Bradley, Frank Francisco, Najeh Davenport, Tara Kirk

Setting Things on Fire: 1/1

We've seen plenty of athletes (and managers) throw things on the field or the court. It doesn't take that long to conjure up a memory of a furious middle reliever pounding his glove on the bench, karate-chopping the water cooler or tearing the bullpen phone off the wall. It happens all the time and, most of the time, it's for showmanship. And who could forget when Tim Hardaway tossed the replay monitor onto the court after a bad call? If he had an incendiary device, something would've been set ablaze — perhaps Marv Albert's hair or, most likely, John Amaechi. But we've seen how far basketball players go and how, when consumed by rage, they completely forget about the safety of others. Chairs on the court, balls thrown into the stands, going after fans — what's keeping a player from heading back to the locker room and then coming back with a Molotov cocktail? If not the pros, then definitely the New York City Public League Basketball Championship.

Athletes most likely to engage: Ron Artest, Carmelo Anthony, Stephen Jackson, Milton Bradley, Kyle Farnsworth, Brett Myers

Breaking Wind: 3/1

In baseball, this supposedly happens all the time — especially if you don't like the catcher. You just step up to the plate, step out of the box, and blast one right in their face. Umpires will give a warning, and the game resumes, usually with a high inside pitch to the ribcage for the batter. In other sports, farting (or queefing) calls for automatic suspension, especially if done on another player's face, or worse, an umpire's. Yet we've gotten so far past this point in other sports that the one place it's left is another gentlemanly (genteladyly) sport, tennis. Think of last weekend's incident involving Serena Williams being mercilessly heckled by a fan in Miami for her sluggish play. At times, throwing rackets, screaming, storming off the court, or accusing fans of being racists are not enough to show frustration — especially if there aren't any calls in their favor. Soon, tennis players will be grabbing the microphone from the judge's stand, and unleashing their roaring sphincters to protest. What do you mean it didn't hit the line? Fwoorrrrrp. (Or in a lady's case: pffffffwiii-pop!)

Athletes most likely to engage: Rafael Nadal, Maria Sharapova, Justine Henin, Mary Pierce

That's just gross. And I'm sorry, Sergio, the velocity at which the spit propelled from your now disgusting-to-me face does not excuse your filth.

It's unfortunate that you can't putt, Serge, but that's no reason to make everyone on the course behind you touch your dirty spit. Who knows where that guy's mouth has been?

SERGIO SPITS (or does he...hmmmmm?) [YouTube]

So Tiger's at -13, and just behind him at -12 are Sergio, Chris DiMarco, and Ernie Els. Jim Furyk and Angel Cabrera are two back at -11. My favorite, S.K. Ho, is at -6. Tiger wasn't able to put together that great of a round today, three-putting on three seperate occasions on the back nine. He finished with at -1 on the day after a birdie on 18.

Here's a handy guide from The Wade Blogs to some of the British golf slang you may hear during the telecast. It'll also help explain the headline there. Coverage starts at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning on TNT, so don't go out tonight.

Woods just ahead of chasing pack [BBC Sport]
Tiger leads through 36? Hand him the jug [ESPN.com]
Wide Open [The Wade Blogs]