•Tony Gonzalez (and a strategically placed Mrs. Gonzalez) go naked for a PETA ad. Think it's ironic someone on the Falcons, of all teams, to do an anti-fur ad? Well, it's not; Michael Vick never wore fur.

•The Raiders are actively cooperating with the NFL of Tom Cable's Punch-Out!! because they hope to be able to fire Cable "with cause," and not have to pay him. Or they could keep him on staff, and not have to pay any assistants whose careers he ends.

•A Notre Dame assistant called out Navy's head coach for his postgame comments and repeated chop blocks. Never mind the fact that it was Veterans Day; any team who tries to cripple the Fighting Irish will always have the public's sympathy.

•Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino win Gold Gloves. They're obviously not talking about batting gloves.

•In a battle of teams named after primary colors, the Red Wings demolish the Blue Jackets 9-1. But if they could somehow combine forces, they would blend into the Purple Parrots, the absolute best team on Legends Of The Hidden Temple.

•Jim Riggleman "wins" the hotly contested Nationals manager sweepstakes, and will sign a one-year contract. Second prize, obviously, was a two-year deal.

•Finally, we've got Duke recruit Kyrie Irving starring in his high school production of High School Musical:

A lot people complain about the excessive celebrations these days for something as minor as a first-round playoff victory. But as the unbridled joy on Shane Victorino's face will tell you, some boys will do absolutely anything for a champagne bath.

It feels so good on the skin, you know?

[Photo: Getty]

* * * * *

I didn't realize that yesterday was Canadian Thanksgiving, so a belated Happy Northern Turkey Day to our upstairs neighbors. Does this mean they get a 7-day weekend now?

And by "mess with the bull," I mean "shake hands with children after a match." (Watch the video here.) The woman—a Brisbane fan who "holds a Victorian-based Lions Membership with AFL entry rights," which I assume is Australian for "season tickets"—has already apologized for hurling the frosty beverage at Brad Johnson of the Western Bulldogs. Like the Cubs fan, she was hunted down by the media and quickly surrendered, but has not been identified by name.

However, she is "extremely remorseful" and prays that she can make restitution and/or not lose her seats. She feels terrible about getting caught, but still has no regrets about refusing to put her phone call on hold. The beer wasn't that good anyway.

So will this trend sweep the globe? What sports are next? Badminton? Curling? Beer league softball? (That would be a real tragedy.) It's good to see that so many people can afford to throw away expensive beverages in this economy, but let's throw them into our stomachs instead.

Woman sorry for throwing beer Bulldogs captain Brad Johnson [The Courier-Mail]
Aussie Rules Football Player Gets Beer Thrown On Him By Fan: Video [Sports Rubbish]

* * * * *

Get some sleep tonight. The Erin Andrews GQ issue drops in A.M. and you'll need all your strength.

Chicago Police confirmed to Deadspin that they're questioning the suspect, who called them earlier this afternoon and was picked up by detectives. They're currently questioning him, and won't be releasing his identity until they decide to press charges.

But there will be charges pressed, make no mistake. Especially after the Cubs and Shane Victorino filed an official complaint with the CPD today.

He is conforming well to our stereotypes thus far. He's a 21-year-old from the suburbs (Bartlett, Ill.) — but no word if he was wearing his stunna shades when he turned himself in.

By no means is this good old-fashioned witch hunt over. If you've got any info, you know where to send it.

Beer-Throwing Fan Turns Himself In, Police Report [Sun-Times]


UPDATE: Hello, Johnny Macchione, student at SIU Carbondale something called Loras College.

UPDATE: According to one patron at Haray Caray's, Macchione was in there after fleeing Wrigley, "running his mouth about it." And the fall guy? One of his buddies. Way to shift the blame to a friend, broseph.

UPDATE:

One tipster claims that the man seen in the above photo — his "friend" — is the culprit but he's not ready to snitch yet as he waits to see if he'll come forward on his own. Or, hey, it might not be him and it's just another sinewy Cubs fan with manicured facial hair. The longer this individual remains unidentified, the more aggravated the police will become. Not the dude.

If he's caught, he'll be charged with assault, after Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino filed charges after last night's game.

However, always the feisty Hawaiian,Victorino would seem to prefer street justice for his assailant:

"He's probably at home thinking 'I got away with it,'" Victorino said."I hope he gets the understanding, hey, you can't do stuff like that. I mean, if it happened in the streets, I don't think you'd be walking too far (without a reprisal). It's just not something you do."

Yes, in Victorino's hometown of Wailuku, thoughtless beer-tossers are dragged by the hair to the top of a volcano and pelted with coconuts. But we have rules here, hondo!

If anyone else has information on the identification of this dastardly individual, please feel free to drop a line to the Deadspin I-team..

UPDATE: A 21-year-old man has reportedly turned himself in. Details to come later tonight.

Search Is On For Wrigley Beer-Tosser [Hardball/Trib]

Shane Victorino got a beer dumped on him during the fifth inning of a blowout loss, and Wrigley security clearly tossed the wrong guy - who was pointed out to them by the real douchebag. Deadspin posse, saddle up, we've got a man's life to ruin.


Shane Victorino Gets Unwelcome Shower From Fan At Wrigley [Sun-Times]

[Illustrated screengrab courtesy of reader Mike]

UPDATE: Beer-thrower escaped the ballpark without being fingered, but Chicago PD are asking anyone who has info to contact them. Start snitching!

Manny Ramirez tried to make a game of it with a 3-run shot that barely cleared the wall, but the team ended up succumbing to the mighty Phillies bullpen, managing only a pair of hits in the final four innings. If you turned off your TV after the 4th inning, you didn’t miss much. The Dodgers take the series back to LA on Sunday, when Randy Newman will collect another $6 million in royalty checks for that shitty song.

In other news, everyone’s moms are dying! Charlie Manuel managed the game with a heavy heart after learning that his mom had died that morning, and hero Shane Victorino found out after the game that his grandmama kicked the bucket. Stay tuned to see which Phillies player is going to be the recipient of the dreaded Rule of Three.

• Red Sox 2, Rays 0
Dice-K didn’t look like he’d last long after a 1st inning that saw him walk the bases loaded in roughly 3,923 pitches, but from there the man was dominant, striking out 9 and holding the Rays hitless until a Carl Crawford single in the 7th. Buster Olney described Dice-K’s pitching as “rope-a-dope”, which seems just about right. A lesser reporter would call it “effectively wild”, but when one is Asian, one gets a bit more leniency that they’re being purposefully deceptive. Papelbon closed it out with a perfect inning and presumably did his goofy dance alone in the privacy of his hotel room.

On the Rays side of the game, not much happened. James Shields pitched well enough to win, but Carl Crawford gave the BoSox a gift run when a ball bounced off his mitt. Carlos Pena ended any threat of a comeback by deciding to take Joe Maddon up on his 3-0 green light signal in the 7th, popping into a weak fly ball.

As far as brawls go – this marks our greatest chance for a classic postseason fight, after all – there wasn’t much to get excited about. Grant Balfour hit J.D. Drew in the shoulder which caused Dustin Pedroia to go to the first step of the dugout and do his best Caveman impression, but besides that, peace prevailed.

Last weekend, the Philadelphia Phillies revealed one of their most successful promotions to date with the Shane Victorino Hula Figurine day. It worked on two levels because, for whatever reason, baseball fans plus kitschy dolls equals sellout crowd. (It was also an excuse for fans to bust out their best leis and Hawaiian shirts, harking back to a simpler time full of Gonzo Fridays and pooka shell necklaces.) Plus, they trotted out Danny Devito to throw out the first pitch, who, while not Hawaiian, is the size of a large doll. And all that topped it off with a Shane Victorino walk-off homerun. Everyone was a Hawaiian on that day.

Tonight, Cincinnati fans will be privy to their own geeky promo, as the first 20,000 fans attending tonight's game will get...this. That's a cap. With a synthetic blond hair in the back. For Bronson Arroyo. Brilliant. Luckily, most of the fans in attendance will probably already have similar hairstyles already, so they don't have to worry about some of the latecomers being very upset about not receiving a hair hat.

This reminds me of another promotion that the Phillies did when they unveiled Larry Andersen Halloween masks. It was kind of an odd promotion, given that Andersen was merely a moderately successful setup man at the time. But Andersen was extremely popular in the clubhouse, being the go-to guy for hot foots and shaving cream pies, and the promotions team of the Phillies rewarded him for his levity with a cheap plastic mask. Given that Victorino dolls are going for close to $100 on Craig's List, I'm sure the Andersen mask has appreciated in value tremendously by now. Or not.

So this week, I'm breaking out ... eh, it's too hot.

Don't this shit make a nigga wanna ... JUMP! JUMP!

Antonio Alfonseca Six-Fingered Glove Night: 5/2

Now that he's successfully converted three (three!) saves while filling in for Brett Myers' arm, El Pupo's slowly become a fan favorite. With his rotund belly, his goofy hat and, of course, his 12 digits of pure power. Although Alfonseca's self-conscious about his extra phalanges, the more and more successful he becomes, he'll eventually warm up to the idea. And those gloves make great oven mitts.

Mike Lowell One Nut Night: 6/1

It's always nice to make fans aware of diseases, and testicular cancer — like having six fingers — is something most men are ashamed of. But Fenway Park could be the first stadium to embrace men who may be fearful of going public with their disease. At Fenway, all men missing a testicle get to attend the game for free. They'll also offer half cups of beer and commemorative peanut bags for the rest of the fans — females, and fans with both testicles — so as to not make them feel left out.

Nick Markakis Greek Doll Night: 3/1

Christos anesti! Markakis is well on his way to becoming the swarthy Brady Anderson in Baltimore, and what better way to capitalize than a tiny figurine commemorating his Greek heritage. (As a note Markakis was one of the only notable members of Greece's baseball team in the '04 Summer Olympics.) This doll will be one of a kind because, every day at 5'o clock, the sides of his face darken and grow stubble. This is guaranteed to be an extremely popular promotion, but the Orioles should be wary of a good portion of the crowd throwing plates onto the field or burning goats in the Camden Yards parking lot.

Tom Mastny Indonesian Doll Night: 2/1

Continuing the theme of cultural stereotyping brought forth by the Victorino night, the Cleveland Indians will celebrate the first Indonesian major leaguer with their own Tom Mastny figurine, outfitted in contemporary Javanese dress (baggy pants and a funny little Kool Moe Dee hat), which pretty much resembles something Eddie Murphy would've worn in The Golden Child. (I-I-I-I- Want the Kniiife). This will also be an educational night for most Clevelanders, most of whom have never heard of Indonesia.

Therefore, the Phillies are giving out a figurine of Victorino dressed in a hula skirt and carrying a ukulele. Even better, it comes with its own sticky paper on the bottom so you can put it on your dashboard, and watch a Philadelphia Phillie dance and shake every time you hit one of those patented Philadelphia potholes.

So that's the rub, Shane: You have your own figurine, but you're wearing a skirt. We think it's probably still worth it.

The Flying Hawaiian [UmpBump]