David Stern insists with robotic regularity that his ballers are the "best athletes in the world". (Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly saucy, he goes with "most extraordinarily gifted".)

Apparently he's been doing this for awhile:

"Messrs. Jordan, Johnson, Bird, et al., made it clear that the NBA really does have — as Commissioner David Stern so often claims — "the best athletes in the world."

That, in an article about the original Dream Team. Written in 1992. Jesus, at least the man's on message!

In the past few weeks alone, though, several players have gotten this idea implanted a little too deeply in their minds. First Big Baby Davis informed the world that upon reaching NBA All-Star status he would like to return to football, although he did not "have a specific position in mind in the NFL."

Then LeBron James, a All-Ohio wide receiver in his youth, mused that "If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on."

NFL players were skeptical. As Jeremy Shockey made the case on his Twitter :

If anyone was up to the task, I guess, it would be LeBron, modern marvel of mankind. No less an authority than former Cleveland Brown coach Eric Mangini even invited him to "come on down" before undermining that "he'd probably be good at baseball or soccer or swimming." Hmm. Two out of three ain't bad! And he's got this going for him, which is nice:

As for Rondo, this isn't the first time he has demonstrated a high regard for his speed. Last year he needled noted fast person Usain Bolt, informing him that the two would meet in 2012. This time, he set his sights slightly lower: Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 forty at the NFL Combine, the fastest recorded combine time ever.

So does Rondo have a chance to win the $2k purse? Probably not. The Sporting News' Bethlehem Shoals broke down the duel and, using complicated math equations, concluded that Rondo's forty time would clock in at something like a 5.15. That wouldn't even beat LeBron!

But with Johnson's recent counter that he could beat Rondo in a game of one-on-one, this is shaping up to be the most exciting competitive cross-pollination since Shaquille O'Neal challenged luminaries like Misty May-Treanor and Oscar de la Hoya in their native sports.

Stern can't be too happy: so far Shaq is 0-5.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

•Three TDs for Ricky Williams? I'd say this is the start of an epic inspirational story in Miami. You know, if the Dolphins weren't 5-5 and going nowhere.

•Keep talking, Mangino. It'll only make things better to say you're giving these kids the parenting their real parents failed at. Maybe, if that parenting includes emotional, verbal and physical abuse, plus eating the entire Thanksgiving dinner before the kids even get a bite.

•Obviously we'll need a few years for perspective, but the Hand of Gaul already places number three on this list of the top ten handballs of all time. Unsurprisingly, Braylon Edwards is nowhere to be found on the list. (Also, it's soccer. I know. Shut up.)

•In more serious soccer news, an English Sunday league player received a yellow card for farting in the referee's face. Had it been another player, he would have gone down like he'd been shot.

•Curtis Granderson is shopping what sounds like the most boring reality show of all time, in which he'd take viewers on tours of stadiums. The "let's explore Comerica Park's outfield" show is a 5-parter.

•Shaq is going to curate an art show. Is there anything the man can't do? Besides play basketball anymore...

•Finally, Georgia's beloved bulldog passed away suddenly at the age of four from heart disease. I'm filing that sentence away in case we need to use it for Baby Mangino.

•••••

Good morning, and TGIFF. Try not to work too hard.

In January 2006 in New York, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of this man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never watched Kazaam in her life.

So begins the descent into madness that is "Ever Dream This Man?," a bizarre web site that claims to tackle the issue of why thousands of people the world over see Shaq Diesel in their dreams each night.

There are theories ("According to this theory this man is the image of the Creator, I believe this theory to be true."), descriptions of the dreams ("I have never had homosexual relationships or even fantasies. But I dream about having sexing with this man all the time. I must admit he has a lot of imagination and he pleases me. Sometimes when I wake up I discover I too have a wig on."), and, of course, a CafePress shop.

So, is this a harmless prank? Or are we dealing with forces far beyond human understanding? If you've dreamt of Shaquille O'Neal, please relate it in the comments.

UPDATE: As pointed out, it's a Shaqcentric parody of this web site. This still raises more questions than it answers.

The franchisee of a chain pizza restaurant in St. Catharines, Ontario, has started an online campaign to get Shaquille O'Neal to visit his restaurant. That's it; pretty simple, right? They've started a Facebook group and a Twitter campaign to enlist as many people as possible in the hopes that O'Neal will catch wind and decide to pay a visit to Boston Pizza at the Pen Centre mall. They'll buy him a meal, and 10 percent of the day's sales go to a local children's rehabilitation center (absolutely a good cause). Here's the press release.

Presumably any appearance by O'Neal would be hyped up, and the increased sales that day would more than cover the 10 percent donation, making the restaurant the clear winners (with the charity coming second). But what's in it for Shaq? It's more than an hour's drive to the nearest NBA city, making this no easy appearance. But knowing how he loves goofy stunts like this, I wouldn't put it past him.

But here's my question for the folks at Boston Pizza: who do you think you are?

I don't mean that in any disparaging way. On the contrary, I'm impressed. O'Neal has made himself so accessible via technology that we feel justified in reaching out directly to him. Type a few words into Twitter, attach the right hashtag, and Shaquille O'Neal — Shaq, one of the biggest stars on the planet! — will read what you have to say. That still blows my mind.

There was an era when athletes were just people, when you could drink with them in a hotel bar, or send your kid to their front door to ask for an autograph. Then television came along and suddenly the were larger than life, and we as common fans had no hope of interacting with them other than cheering for or booing them from our seats.

Ironically it's technology that's bringing us full circle. Communications are a two-way street now; you could scream at your TV before, but the players inside couldn't hear you. But they're always checking their Twitter.

This can be a good thing or a bad thing. (Though, of course, it's neither. It's just what it is.) Fans have always felt like we're owed something by athletes. They represent us, we pay their salary, etc. But now we can actually ask things of them. A Canadian pizza joint is asking a superstar basketball player to travel to their restaurant, and expects at least a decent chance of success. Says the restaurant's owner:

In the past, people never had the mediums to reach out to these celebrities to ask them to do something. As active social media users ourselves, it seemed like a great idea to reach out to Shaq in this manner."

But here's one of the bad parts about this new paradigm; we forget the old ways. It's nonsense that people never had ways to reach out to celebrities. A quick phone call to O'Neal's agent, inviting him to make a charity appearance, is something that's always been available. And arguably it would have been more effective here, because someone who's as accessible as O'Neal is bombarded with messages throughout the day. There's no guarantee he'll ever hear about Boston Pizza via Twitter, if it's lost in the shuffle of thousands of other Tweets. A call to his agent, which would have been the only way to do this thirty years ago, would have at least guaranteed them an audience.

It's clear that Twitter is permanently changing our relationships with our athletes, but it's happening faster than we can create societal norms for it. Can I invite Shaq to my birthday party? Do I have the right to badmouth him if he refuses? Does he have more of an obligation to answer me than another player who's not as involved on Twitter?

And, more pressing to a dwindling but vocal minority: with this access, where does that leave the press?

BPPenCentre [Twitter]
Get Shaq to visit the Boston Pizza Pen Centre [Facebook]

•Despite MLB.com's merchandise on offer (thanks to reader Nathan for the screencap), the Twins won the right to get swept by the Yankees. If you want more details, I think Dash is still liveblogging the game.

•Shaq and LeBron looked good together in their first game, but call me after Shaq has 80 games on that odometer. And it's not a preseason game. Against the Bobcats.

•At least Miguel Cabrera's drinking led to a humorous police report in addition to what you've already read. In August, Cabrera "taunted an overweight 15-year-old boy" and had to be escorted out.

•A vendor died of a heart attack while servicing the coffeemaker in the Dodger Stadium press box yesterday, which can't bode well for the team. Or at least the media members who want coffee.

•It's Brett Favre news, but don't stop reading. The gunslinger was named the league's most overrated player in an unscientific poll of his peers.

•The Brooklyn Fishing Derby is being held this month, and it's a real thing. So that means the most likely catch, an empty can of StarKist, will not count.

•Courtesy of reader Jeffrey, we have a camerawoman getting a little too caught up in the excitement of the Twins' victory:

Earlier this week, author Todd Gallagher announced his intentions to sue, based on the fact that the premise for "Shaq Vs." bears a passing resemblance to the conceit for his book, "Andy Roddick Beat Me With A Frying Pan." But Todd Gallagher isn't Steve Nash, no one cares.

But since Steve Nash is Steve Nash, when he lawyered up, people listened.

Shortly after O'Neal was traded to the Suns in February 2008, Nash mentioned to his new teammate a reality show he was pursuing. It would feature the Suns point guard taking on professional athletes in their own sport.

The topic didn't come up again until early in the 2008-09 season, when O'Neal boarded the Suns bus and told the team he would be starring in a new reality show in which he would be taking on, you got it, professional athletes in their own sport.

"You mean the idea you stole from me?" one Suns representative said he heard Nash say.

That one had a happy ending, and Nash is now listed as an executive producer on the show. But I'd love to see them work together on something that could better showcase their talents. Say, a buddy cop show featuring Nash and Shaq as hard-boiled detectives who are assigned to partner with the new robot on the force — that, I'd watch.

Now check out O'Neal flailing at Oscar De La Hoya.

Shaq Vs. ... A Man Claiming the Show Is a Rip-Off [TMZ]
Shaq's Behind-The-Back Move [Arizona Republic]

"Hey, want to go down to the Cardinals game tonight? I've got box seats, right next to the dugout. They aren't in the very first row, but still close enough to smell the pine tar. Should be a great night!

"What's that? A giant hulking monster sitting right in front of us? But St. Louis doesn't even have an NBA team! I think that scenario is pretty unlikely, don't you? There is nothing that can ruin this grand time at the ballyard! Nothing, I say!"

I hope you enjoyed that little play. I wrote it myself.

Sitting Behind Shaq Sucks [Riverfront Times]

* * * * *

Thursday. Shit. I'm still only in Thursday. Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.

•Yankees beat Boston for the first time since Mike Mussina was on the mound and George W. Bush was in the White House. Thanks, Obama, it's the Go-Go '90s all over again!

•Like most decisions in the past 11 years, ESPN's attempt to control Twitter can be traced back to having an ad sales guy, not an editorial guy, in charge. I'm sure after reading this George Bodenheimer will cry himself to sleep atop a giant pile of money.

•One eyed man with two recent shoulder surgeries tries (and fails) to win a million bucks by throwing three strikes before last night's Royals game. On the bright side, he's now their fifth starter.

•Why is everyone reporting that Donte Stallworth will accept the NFL's punishment? Does he have a choice? Is he going to run on to the field to try and play even if he's suspended?

•Julio Castillo, who injured a spectator in a minor league game, is sentenced to 30 days in jail. So if we're going by forced days off, assaulting a fan is half as bad as taking certain supplements from GNC.

•Jeremy Roenick was the face of American hockey for the last 20 years, and a media favorite. To celebrate his retirement, here's his top ten quotes. Only seven of them are J.R. calling out a player/coach/fanbase.

•If Shaq loses a doubles volleyball match to Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor, he'll walk two miles in a pink speedo — "three sizes too small." I've started a fund to pay off Walsh and May-Treanor to take a dive.

Happy Friday. Don't drink and drive until at least 2 a.m.

See:

Here he is with Shaolin monks, "blessed." His words, not mine. And he's learning about hashtags — "Shaqtags," naturally — and photoshopping himself into Men's Fitness covers. He's also doing this.

And it's all because one giant panda reached out to him and made him smile, because that's what pandas are for. That's what Shaq is for. That's what photos of pandas sitting on Shaq's lap are for. Let's not forget it anytime soon. Meanwhile, we'll turn to some more wisdom from Shaq to take us into the evening: "Just because your certified , doesn't mean your qualified."

Blessed, I tell you.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Tomorrow: More mutton-busting.

Shaq's been tooling around China this week, promoting his deal with sneaker company Li-Ning (he's already been wearing their shoes in games, with the logo covered up). Much better than Nixon's ping-pong diplomacy, our state department has apparently sent O'Neal to terrify China's youth into submission. Hence, this image of him feeding one boy, pants no doubt wet with fear, to a giant shark, while Little Buddha looks on serenely.

*****

Good morning. It's Sunday. Shouldn't you be in church, you bunch of choirboys?

-The ESPY Awards went down last night. LeBron topped Kobe, Phelps topped everyone, and Samuel L. Jackson collected another easy paycheck.

-Yao Ming becomes sole owner of the Shanghai Sharks. Houston collectively craps its pants over the prospect of him making post-playing career plans.

-The world's longest golf course, stretching 850 miles across the Australian Outback, will open in October. John Daly has already promised to reach the green in two.

-Because no one told the feds that we're all kind of over this whole steroids thing, they subpoena the owner of Roger Clemens's gym.

-Islanders ink first overall pick John Tavares to a 3-year contract. To bad by the time the Nassau Coliseum lease expires in 2015, he'll have skipped town in 2012.

-Dana White says Shaq wants to fight Brock Lesnar. That would never happen. It's not like MMA is some kind of freak show or anything.

-Amazingly SFW video of the world's strongest vagina in action. It's like a Bond villain come to life.

Five teams for Shaq, and five times his teammate has been one of the best in the league. A swingman, two 2-guards, a point guard, and now a small forward. Four MVPs between them, and Dwyane Wade and Penny both finished as high as third. The image of Shaq in recent years is that of the reliable big man brought in to free up the star and put in a few points and grab a few boards while he's at it.

It wasn't always like this. The Magic built around Shaq. They added Penny to make him better. O'Neal led his team in scoring seven out of his first nine seasons, until someone named Kobe took over the Lakers.

We forget this now, but there was a big debate over who to build the Lakers around. Shaq had an MVP award of his own, and should have had two or three others. As late as 2001-02 — the final year of the Lakers' threepeat — O'Neal led the team in ppg.

It's impossible to judge him by how he'll perform with LeBron. He's 37 years old, with 17 seasons under his belt (and on his knees). But how will history judge Shaquille O'Neal? Will he be the big-man-for-hire, brought in to put teams over the top? Will we remember him drawing defenders and pulling down rebounds, creating more shots for Penny, Kobe, D-Wade, Nash and LeBron? Or will we remember him as a star in his own right?

I'm not sure Shaq really cares. Bill Russell was never the focal point of his own offense, instead playing a support role for Havlicek, Heinsohn and Cousy. If we remember him like we remember Bill Russell, I think that's good enough for Shaq.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Like Ulysses, we made it home.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin, even when others don't. Tomorrow: back to basics.