A couple Lions fans celebrated their team's historic victory with a spot of lower-bowl grab-ass that ended with the two of them re-enacting the Ned Beatty piggy scene from Deliverance. And Detroit was happy once again.

Jerry Jones sold 30,000 "party passes" for the regular-season debut of his new football palace, where, in a standing-room section, every passholder was treated to great views of 29,999 other passholders. The scene turned briefly into something out of Lord of the Flies. Sucks to your pass mar!

This lass had a message for Jesus Christ Football Star, and she wore it on her shirt. It's tough to see here, but please note the gray-haired lady in back, looking on in slowly dawning horror.

Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested for allegedly choking his girlfriend, Internet creature Tila Tequila. The case against Merriman was eventually dropped, but he was nonetheless tried and convicted in the high court of Tila Tequila's Twitter account.

A day after LeGarrette Blount decked Byron Hout, Dash made the persuasive argument that the smirking jackass who started it all got exactly what was coming to him.

The bold-face-type enthusiasts of Fire Joe Morgan reunited for one glorious day on our site and, afterward all that was left of poor Allen Barra was a couple mindlessly contrarian opinions and some hair.

Someone dug up an ancient video of a skeevy Cris Collinsworth in which he declared, absurdly: "I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit...high school girls love me. Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them." And then, even more absurdly, he apologized — and not for that Cosby sweater.

Football, as choreographed by Bob Fosse.

In a handicapped stall at Cowboy Stadium, a guy in a Michael Irvin jersey decided to do to a woman what Jerry Jones did to 30,000 fans with Party Passes. We got the video.

And, lastly, there are the Salisbury-Daulerio Letters, a correspondence that stretched across three batshit posts. It was, as AJ noted, the meltiest media meltdown of them all. Sean has not been heard from since. Nor have we heard from his attorneys and "powerful Pr firm .. from NYC." He is out there, though. Somewhere. I like to imagine him on a beach on South Padre, sipping a tall, fruity drink and pecking away at his ESPN tell-all, espn exposed. He nears the end of the book. He thinks for a moment. He considers a passing cloud. And then he taps out the last line, a line to rival them all — Fitzgerald, Hamlet, Bogie to Claude Rains. Sean Salisbury looks at the screen and smiles wryly. "Sent," it reads, "from my iPhone."

In a statement on the matter, Judge Bonnie Dumanis said the following:

After a thorough review of the investigation into the September 6, 2009 incident at the Poway home of Shawne Merriman, our office has determined there is insufficient evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that any crime was committed. This case is now closed. No further comment will be made.

Meanwhile, it's still utterly baffling to me that Tila Tequila actually called the cops on a man who'd bound and gagged her.

[Washington Post]

As you know, Merriman was arrested on Sunday morning after Tequila accused him of choking her and restraining her from leaving his house. Everyone went to their Twitter feeds to get the rest of the story and the couple delivered. For awhile. She temporarily went into hiding, but when Merriman quietly linked to his official prepared lawyer statement, she unleashed a flurry of accusations and defenses (before going back underground again.)

He says he was simply trying to keep her from driving drunk. She retorts that she is "allergic to alcohol" and doesn't drink. (The owner of the club where she was photographed grinding on Merriman earlier that evening says she is lying and was "visibly intoxicated." He added, "It sounds like she's allergic to the truth." Meow!) She helpfully pointed that steroids make Hulk angry and linked to an old USA Today article about Merriman's drug troubles. Merriman responded by asking for funny YouTube videos because he "needs to laugh." He even accepted moral support from a Bronco fan, so you know it's serious.

What does all this mean? Besides the fact that you shouldn't try to fight your legal and/or relationship battles on Twitter? Actually, that might be the only lesson here. I can't decide if these two should never speak again or if they should get married and broadcast their honeymoon on UStream. They are both perfect and terrible for each other.

Tila Tequila Speaks On Merriman via Twitter [BlackSportsOnline]
Tila Tequila's Twitter Attacks Not Best Idea [Gawker]
After arrest, San Diego Chargers' Shawne Merriman says he was protecting girlfriend Tila Tequila [NY Daily News]
Related: Denver Broncos' tight end Richard Quinn faces harassment charges [ESPN]

Merriman, who missed all but one game last season with knee problems, was arrested in front of his own home about 3:45 a.m. this morning after Tequila (sigh) accused him of choking her and restraining her when she tried to leave the house. She went to the hospital, he went to jail. Both have apparently been released.

The possibly roid-raged linebacker recently expressed admiration for Oregon's LeGarrette Blount and his sucker punching ways, stating "I want to punch a bunch of guys but i would never risk getting suspended and fined i love my $." Apparently, Merriman has not read the NFL's collective bargaining agreement, because the strictures against guy punching also include women. If you think drunk driving, shooting yourself in the leg, and dog murder are frowned upon, I'm sure Roger Goodell has been itching to take a very strong stand against domestic violence. Maybe Shawne is trying to see just how many games he can miss and still make the Pro Bowl.

Because Tequila and Merriman are both lunatics who are obsessed with Twitter, you can probably find more updates there in the near future. (Update: He posted a link to his statement, hers has been set to private.)

Chargers Star Accused of Choking Tila "Tequila" [NBC San Diego]
Chargers' Merriman arrested; battery of girlfriend alleged [San Diego Union-Tribune]
Shawne Merriman Popped For Choking Tila Tequila [Brooks]
NFL Star Accused of Choking Tila Tequila [TMZ]

UPDATE: TMZ has some crappy photos of them taken at a bar earlier in the evening. So that proves they know each other!

UPDATE 2: Merriman released a statement late on Sunday night, denying the accusations and pointing out that he has not been charged with a crime. The gist of his statement is that she was drunk, he was trying to keep her from leaving until a cab could pick her up, he did not actually choke or hurt her, and he was only arrested because of her "citizen's complaint." The implication of last point being that cops would not have arrested him, if she hadn't insisted. We'll see how the criminal case develops (if it does at all), but Merriman will likely play in Week 1 either way.

Shaun Phillips, outside linebacker for the football team in San Diego, was looking for some nighttime entertainment. Of course, professional athletes late night Twittering are not going to escape the watchful eye of Young Andy Hutchins and His Band Of Rookies. But, as Andy notes, Phillips reconsidered.

He must own a PC. In other tawdry Chargers' linebacking news, Shawne Merriman has apparently infuriated a a woman named Gloria Velez to the point where she's questioned his baby mama-making abilities. She also claimed that Merriman has exchanged bodily fluids with that Tila Tequila person which has resulted in the always entertaining "beef." (Thank you, Cici, who I am thrilled to report I do not have beef with.)

*****

Good aftermorning. It's Sunday. Rejoice. Apologies for the delay, but NJ Transit and the F-train are no longer friends of Deadspin. And, no, I was not sent to the hospital after the deadly brawl at McFadden's. Thanks for asking, though.

Sing along.

That's what Shawne Merriman said Sunday, after the Chargers lost to the Carolina Panthers courtesy of a rejuvenated Jake Dellhomme and Rosario Dawson, giving everyone the impression that the All-World linebacker was serious about gimping through the season with two torn ligaments in his left knee. He lied.

Merriman finished the game with two tackles, a couple of hurries and a lot of ice packs, and finally decided yesterday that he's going to have reconstructive surgery on one of his tears, shutting him down for the rest of the season.

Merriman has apparently been playing with a torn Posterior Cruciate Ligament since 2005 and late last season he ripped up the Lateral Collateral Ligament.

The Chargers plan to use second-year linebacker Jyles Tucker in his place for the time being, but are also reportedly looking into ex-Pat Roosevelt Colvin.

"Lights Out", Shuts Off [San Diego Union Tribune]

• Spinal Surgery Is Scheduled for Williams. Harry Williams, a second year receiver for the Houston Texans, has regained "almost normal neurologic function" and he's now awaiting surgery to repair the fractured vertebrae he sustained after colliding with a teammate in last night's pre-season game against the Cowboys. Here's wishing the young man a speedy and full recovery after the scary injury.

• McNasty. Donovan McNabb put together a stellar performance in his most extensive action of the pre-season, and DeSean Jackson continued his eye-opening play. The rookie receiver from Cal returned a punt for a touchdown in addition to leading the Eagles with 67 receiving yards on four catches. Tom Brady sat out the game for the Patriots so that he could continue resting his sore foot while massaging Giselle's aching breasts. Or so I imagine.

No, really: Merriman will be sitting on the dais with:

"'Days of Our Lives' star Kristian Alfonso, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, former *NSYNC member Joey Fatone, 'activist' Heather Mills and comedian Rob Schneider.

Remind us again why steroids are bad for you? We don't see Rafael Palmeiro on that panel ... but we suspect he'll stop by, anyway.

Miss USA 2008 Odds [Vegas Watch]

Pretty much anyone with even a cursory understanding of steroids has debunked Merriman's excuse — as opposed to Guillermo Mota's more stand-up of handling the matter — as complete bullocks, not least of which because Merriman tested positive for Nandrolone, which is an injectible steroid and has no effect when taken orally. Blog Bored At Life lays out the case against Merriman:

The idea that some company is intentionally spiking their products with Nandrolone is pretty far fetched (particularly since you have to INJECT it for it to work). There could be one further reason he tested positive for Nandrolone. Androstene (the stuff Mark McGwire kept in his locker) has variants that can convert to the same chemical compound as nandrolone, when ingested. However, andro and it's derivatives are on the banned list and illegal.

Maybe Merriman truly didn't use steroids and somehow ingested andro. Only he knows what he took. But the bottom line is: He is no victim. The rules are clear. And the responsibility rests solely on the athlete to KNOW what he is putting in his body. The only victim here is personal responsibility.

For the record, we're constantly injecting over-the-counter supplements; it takes care of our rickets and scurvy.

Merriman: I Am No Cheater [Bored At Life]

August 3, 2005: Baseball's Rafael Palmeiro is suspended after testing positive for steroids. From Michael Wilbon: "Oh yes, baseball is facing a crisis. In this current climate of suspicion, is it fair to start looking at any pitcher with biceps with increased skepticism, too? Well, maybe it isn't fair. But that won't stop anyone. And where, exactly, is the commissioner of baseball while such an obvious crisis breaks out? Apparently hiding under his desk."

October 23, 2006: The NFL's Shawne Merriman is suspended after testing positive for steroids. From John Clayton: "The four-game steroid suspension of Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman really comes at a horrible time for the team. Linebacker Shaun Phillips is expected to be out four to six weeks with a calf injury. They've lost linebacker Steve Foley for the season. The only outside linebacker of note is Marques Harris or Nick Speegle, which might the Chargers move Tim Dobbins or Donnie Edwards to the outside."

The NFL, it's like the Teflon Don, really.