For years, sports teams at W&M were known as the Indians, and later the Tribe, which is actually fair because the first iteration of the school was destroyed by angry Native Americans. A mere 400 years later, in a fit of poetic justice, the NCAA declared such nicknames to be wrong, so the school is taking suggestions for a new giant-headed foam costume to rally all the troops around. (The Tribe nickname will actually stay, but the feathered Indian logo has to go.)

The best suggestion so far: Asparagus, because when you cover it with cheese it matches the school colors. It also makes your pee smell funny, which should help the swimming and diving teams tremendously. Other, less interesting suggestions include: a beech tree, jester, Spartan (taken!), a sad bumble bee, and the mythical Phoenix. I guess a swishy, inbred monarch and his boring wife just don't inspire people anymore.

The deadline for submissions is tomorrow, which is also when athletic director Terry Driscoll will appear on First Take, presumably so Skip Bayless can yell at him about mascot enhancing headgear.

A Mascot for William & Mary [W&M]
William & Mary to change mascot…considering certain vegetable side dishes [Steady Burn]
Asparagus among nominations for William & Mary's new mascot [SI]

While bloviating about the Dallas/Denver/La La situation on "First Take" yesterday morning, Bayless chastised certain Mavericks fans for their "Philly-style rude, crude, dangerous" behavior. Missanelli, a homer who's easily irked when a national media person decides to lazily bash Philly, invites Bayless to call in to his afternoon radio show (on 950 AM, an ESPN affiliate station, no less) to discuss his comments. The "discussion" goes from zero-to-no-my-cock-is-bigger! in quite a hurry. SRI has the transcript:

MM: It's real easy for journalists who live outside Philadelphia to throw these barbs when you really don't have any information at all:

SB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Did you say I have no information at all?

MM: Yeah, I'm asking you for the information. I'm asking you to produce it. In the last ten years, what have you heard about this rude, crude dangerous behavior in the stands?

SB: "Well, ok I'm going to have to go back to my 18 years of going to the Vet."

MM: (Missanelli interrupts) Oh, so let's go back to the Vet. So we're never going to live that down in Philadelphia because of nitwits like you who rip us and make it a modern day thing:

SB: "Ok, if you're going to insult me I'm going to hang up."

MM: Do you want to hang up or do you wan t to spar? I'm not like these lightweights you spar with on First Take. Let's get into a little sparring here if you've got information.

And then it gets worse. Bayless does the whole "Who are you?"-routine with predictable, pompous Bayless-ness and Missanelli counters with the equally wince-worthy "GOOGLE ME!" retort. Listen to the whole thing. You won't hear a better battle between two misguided egomaniacs the rest of the year.

But Missanelli is wrong to accuse Bayless of battling lightweights on "First Take." Remember, Mike — Bayless took on Lil' Wayne. You couldn't suck out his flu.

Mike Missanelli Takes On Skip Bayless [The 700 Level]
I wonder how Skip Bayless likes the taste of his own medicine [SRI]

Blame it on Jeff Kent. Oh, and Rick Reilly.

Starting Five:

•

[I]n April of 2001, Rick Reilly…then the columnist at Sports Illustrated…wrote his back of the magazine column on what bad of a guy Barry Bonds was and it featured numerous quotes from Jeff Kent. Jeff Kent…and I can speak to this because I was there…was the real Barry Bonds! He was the real bad guy in the clubhouse. He was the one who was moody, volatile, quick tempered and difficult for his teammates.

•

"Jeff Kent took Rick Reilly under his wing and filled his notebook. He gave him scathing quotes about Barry Bonds. You can just look these up, but that was the turning point because Rick's columns were powerful in that they set the national tone....This is before the onslaught of the Internet–slightly pre-Internet explosion. Sports Illustrated was still the Bible of sports. He creamed Barry…just creamed him. It set a tone of that's it…it's in stone...he's a bad guy!"

I don't know if would've gone with "creamed" right there, but Bayless makes his point: If Rick Reilly were not such a popular and influential columnist at the time, and Jeff Kent was not feeding him negative quotes about Bonds, America would've have fully embraced him as a misunderstood anti-hero and baseball sycophants wouldn't have crucified him for breaking one of the most sacred records in sports.

One person Bayless won't ever, ever, EVER feel sorry for is Michael Vick:

•

I'm coming down hard on Michael Vick because I think he deserves it. He does have some thug in him....I'm with you on the small percentage of Black athletes that get into trouble but is there some thug in Michael? Yes! He was raised that way and that's part of his makeup. That wasn't the first nefarious incident where he was involved.

Ha. Excellent.

Skip Bayless Interview Part II [The Starting Five]

I've never hid my pure enjoyment in of Lil' Wayne's ESPN the mag blogs and often wondered how long it would take for his profile to further expand at ESPN. His columns have been honest, goofy, and surprisingly insightful. He's also an unabashed sports fanatic and a bigger fanatic of ESPN. So today was a special, as Weezy finally got to fulfill a dream and go head-to-head with Skip Bayless on today's First Take.

Interestingly enough, Bayless has a huge hip-hop following. According to Bayless insiders (I assure you they do exist) he's buddies with Nelly, plus 50 Cent has also expressed interest in a spirited confrontation with Skip. But even though Skip may have some odd street cred, that still doesn't make up for this. Still? The Bayless rap video is less ridiculous than Dana Jacobson asking about his grill.

Lil' Wayne v. Bayless [MTV News Room]

Come on, really? I corroborated with another current ESPN staffer. This is what they had to say: "Yes, Bayless is completely ripped. He doesn't drink. Doesn't smoke. Eats healthy as hell. His idea of "cheating" is drinking a Mountain Dew every day. But he works out twice a day."

New Year's resolution for 2009: when naked, look better than 57-year-old Skip Bayless. Christ.

********

Thank you for your continued support Deadspin. SKEETS is talking to a man in a shark suit.

Now Bayless doesn't write at all, instead just playing fake contrarian on television. As we've put it, Tiger Woods could win every golf tournament for the next 10 years, and Skip Bayless would say, "yes, but why can't he fly?

We wonder if Bayless ever looks at what he's become and wondered how that could have possibly happened. We doubt it.

So: Do you like the Skip Bayless? Do you not like the Skip Bayless? Fire.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Crawford, who's a perfectly serviceable talking head who is a part of that whole sexual harassment lawsuit, ended up speaking to a group of college students last evening, and he claims that Skip Bayless is, of all things, an intense studier of game film.

At staff parties celebrating the show's anniversary, Bayless would often lock himself in a room by himself and watch games instead of hanging out with his co-workers, according to Crawford. Also, if Bayless came across a great game, he would TiVo it and watch the game, play-by-play, the next day.

This is a terrifying notion. We always assumed Bayless' histrionics were the result of ignorance. But if he actually has studied and believes all this crap ... Lord a heavens, his brain is an even scarier place that we imagined.

Jay Crawford: Skip Bayless Is Bizarre [Scott Proctor's Arm]
Propelled Forward, And Into The Air [Deadspin]

All quotes are directly taken from columns written within the first four days after 9/11.

• Woody Paige, Denver Post. "Miss Liberty bowed her head. From on high and nigh, she witnessed the horrifying cataclysm. There were tears in her eyes. And the nation cries with her. Denver was not torched, but it has been touched."

• Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times. "Our local baseball managers have addressed the idea of a white-flag mentality and suggested players might not be inspired to resume the season, a folly when you consider firefighters and rescue teams are working around the clock and risking their lives."

• Skip Bayless, San Jose Mercury News. "To my disgust, I spent Wednesday and Thursday hearing outrageously paid athletes tell us how irrelevant sports are and how they just didn't feel like playing. Will these eight-figure whiners tell us how 'truly unimportant' sports are before the next work stoppage? Do they think any of us felt like going to work Wednesday? Many in this country needed baseball and football to be played as soon as possible — baseball by Thursday or Friday, college football by Saturday, the NFL by today. This was the least sports could have done for us after all we've done for them."

Well played, guys: Words of which to be proud.

(To be fair, we all went a little overboard if we wrote too early after 9/11.)

Because "ESPN First Take" is a revolutionary step in the world of sports programming, Skip Bayless and whoever the other person forced to sit across from him was were discussing who should win ... the ESPYs. (Television at its finest!) Anyway, Bayless did little but drool over Arizona softball star Taryne Mowatt. Learning that Skip Bayless has sexual urges is terrifying, and caused the Futon Report to come up with this face-melting PhotoShop that we share with you, because, well, we don't want you to sleep tonight either.

Skip Bayless, Stop Talking About Taryne Mowatt Like That [The Futon Report]

Anyway, when the show "relaunches" May 7 — though it's staying in its oh-so-desirable 10 a.m. ET on ESPN2 time slot — it's going to try something "new." It's going to pit several different "personalities" in the unenviable position of facing off with Skip Bayless in an intellectual death match.

Patrick McEnroe, ESPN's Stephen A. Smith and ESPN.com columnist Jemele Hill will square off against Bayless, and each other, on the new ESPN First Take morning show, says Norby Williamson, ESPN's executive vice president of studio and remote production. Cold Pizza co-hosts Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson will continue with the show. Bayless, McEnroe, Smith and Hill will headline a rotating group who'll debate during the 1st and 10 segments.

"We tried out a lot of people for the last three months or so," Williamson says. "The goal is to have a group the audience can identify with."

We appreciate what Norby — Norby! — is going for here; Jemele Hill is a new hire who needs to cut her TV teeth somewhere, Patrick McEnroe needs a job and Stephen A., well, they have to find something for him to do. Heck, 10 a.m. on a Tuesday afternoon is about to become can't-miss sports television, we are sure.

ESPN Shooting For Better A.M. Debates [USA Today]

It's prime time for Spring Break, and who deserves a wild weekend, meet-and-greet with some of its fans more than the staff of ESPN? That's right, Orlando, lock up your daughters: It's ESPN the Weekend. This is year four of the event that takes a bunch of current athletes, former athletes and ESPN personalities and unleashes them upon Disney's landscape. And, you, YOU, lucky fan and admirer of the WWL can interact with these people in a Magical Kingdom, within groping distance of all of these sports luminaries and dimly lit sports reporting personalities.

Notables from the sports world scheduled to appear include: Ben Roethlisberger, David Robinson, Drew Brees, Roger Clemens, Devin Hester, Roy Oswalt and, amazingly, former Dodgers manager Swirly Lasorda. Mangia!

The ESPNers scheduled include: Peter Gammons, Mike Golic, Dan Patrick, Lemme Know, Linda Cohn, Karl Ravech and El Wingo.

Noticeably absent from the ESPN promo team? Salisbury and Berman. Salisbury, well, he knows Orlando is Cougar central, and he likes them a bit younger, so he's probably going lone wolf in Bristol this weekend, maybe taking in a matinee of Wild Hogs. But Berman? He's emceed a bunch of these things, but you're telling me that the man who is arguably the most recognizable face on the Network is unavailable to attend a meet-and-greet with a delirious family-friendly fan base? Really. He's not into that sort of thing? Weekender in Florida with all of his buddies and hanging out doing the New Year's Eve countdown at Pleasure Island every night? Yeah, I'm sure he voluntarily sat that one out.

As most of us know, any kind of work trip or class trip usually has its own little cliques. And most of the fans this week who've plunked down their hard-earned cash to, hopefully, ride Space Mountain with Chris McKendry (not a euphemism — well, maybe it is) will naturally gravitate toward the athletes/ESPN personalities they find most recognizable and appealing. That'll result in very lonely moments for some of the lesser known, lesser liked personalities who will find themselves sitting in the Mad Teacups all by themselves this weekend as Stu Scott fights off the boo-yahing hordes and Dan Patrick tries to close the deal with Snow White.

So I'm putting on my Captain Neo glasses, maxing out my Dick's Sporting Goods gift cards and placing odds on the ESPN personalities who'll be the least popular at the WWL's Disney Weekend.

Let's pants Mike Greenberg in the Hall of Presidents, after this jump ...

Eric Karabell: 2/1

When he's not being mistaken for John Clayton's son, Karabell will most likely be spending a lot of his time trapped in his hotel room because, unfortunately, he's got his Northeast Regional 5x5 Elite baseball draft this weekend and he's determined not to let Howie Kendrick slip past round six this time. So, he might catch up with some of the guys later on Saturday night, but he has to get up at the crack of dawn Sunday morning to drive down to Clearwater because Cole Hamels is supposed to be throwing BP. And how could he possibly miss that?

Orestes Destrade: 3/1

Even though he's become a major contributor to "Baseball Tonight," Destrade is kind of caught in the middle between unmemorable major league baseball player and not-so-recognizable ESPN personality. Plus, it doesn't help that he's probably the nerdiest looking Cuban ex-baseball player on the planet. So, in order to not feel out of place all weekend, he'll most likely spend a lot of time with his family, standing in line at EPCOT Center and spending thousands of dollars to get his wife and children matching leather Universal Studios jackets. You're a stud, Orestes. A big fucking Cuban stud.

John Seibel: 2/1

You may not recognize John Seibel, but you'll be able to pick him out by the "I'm sorry, who are you again?" responses he gets when he attempts to get special treatment at all Disney events this weekend. It won't help that Steve Phillips still think he's the summer intern and keeps asking him to call the front desk at his hotel to make sure he's got enough pillows.

Skip Bayless: 1/1

"Hi. My name's Skip. I work for Cold Pizza. Do you want a picture with me?" His enormous ego will get the best of him, and Bayless will find it unconscionable that some of the fans down here for The Weekend wouldn't want him to accompany them in the Haunted House. Look for Skip to follow around a bunch of the better known ESPNers, inserting himself into pictures and chastising people who don't know who he is. I'm Skip. Skip Bayless. Cold Pizza?

Howie Schwab: 1/4

Ugh. Is there ever a situation in life where this guy would ever be a welcome addition to your social circle? I'm sure Stu Scott will be trying to shake Howie all weekend, or else he'll spend his after hours at 8 Trax trying to lasso Orlando ponies with a wingman who'll try to seduce women with his ability to name every Hartford Whaler from the 80s in alphabetical order — backwards. If you're heading down to Orlando, expect to find Schwab spending a lot of his downtime wandering around Tomorrowland by himself after he was told that "everybody was meeting up there around 9 p.m." Plus, when he does get recognized, it'll be by a bunch of meatheads, grabbing their crotches and yelling "Hey Schwab! Stump this!".

In the most exciting bit of pregame Super Bowl XLI hype yet, Duncan and Bayless got into it after Duncan accused Bayless of being a poor analyst, and then Bayless accused Duncan of being a bandwagon jumper. Then, Duncan put his hand on Bayless's junk and cured a bladder infection.

You can download the audio right here. That last part might not have really happened.

While you're trying to process the visual image of Skip Bayless and Michael Clarke Duncan hanging out together at the pool ... it's hard to call a winner in this one. In Bayless's favor, it really didn't seem like Duncan could name a non-Grossman or non-Urlacher Bear. In Duncan's favor, Skip Bayless is Skip Bayless.

But then again, if that "Ron Grossman" thing is true ... well, game, set, match to Skip Bayless. If it's not true, though, then Skip Bayless is just a gigantic asshole.

"Cold Pizza" Fight [Online Sports Guys]
Michael Clarke Duncan's "Cold Pizza" Rant [OSG Sports Radio]

We were hoping someone would do this, and Awful Announcing has obliged us: A (mostly) complete rundown of the most ridiculous statements Bayless has made, by year. Frankly, there are so many to choose from — we're reminded of the great "if Skip Bayless covered the crucifixion" parody — that any list is going to seem incomplete. You can pretty much pick any Bayless column at any time, choose a line and wonder if this human is actually made of the same bile and blood and piss and shit as the rest of us.

So yeah: Fun game.

Best/Worst Of Skip Bayless: 2004 [Awful Announcing]
It's The End Of A Cranky, Twerpy Era At Page 2 [Deadspin]
If Skip Bayless Covered The Crucifixion [Deadspin]

According to several sources, and now backed up by The Big Lead, this is the final week for everybody's favorite Big Bag of Douche Skip Bayless. He is leaving Page 2 after an ill-considered term there, where his brand of, uh, Contrarian Assholianess never seemed to fit in with jokes about reality shows and "24 College Avenue." No official statement has been made, but don't expe

Alas, Bayless is not leaving the network entirely; he will continue his nasal diatribes at "Cold Pizza," though unless you're the type of person who likes to watch your morning shows at 11 a.m., that shouldn't affect your lives too much.

Bayless schtick, of course, has always been to play a role as "villain," as if taking ridiculous, nonsensical stances on topics and having readers justifiably call him an idiot somehow constituted "debate." We're sure someone will miss him, somewhere. Maybe.

Have We Finally Seen the Last of Skip Bayless on ESPN.com's Page 2? [The Big Lead]
Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks [Deadspin]

And perhaps we should enjoy "Cold Pizza" as much as we can, while we can, because if a recent memo from a "Cold Pizza" coordinating producer fired around the office can be believed, times are even tougher over there than we thought.

Please be judicious with your use of the Cold Pizza index cards. We have used twice as many of these cards in the last couple of months as we have in the past ... and they are expensive. These cards are essentially for on-air talent questions/scripts items and they look good on camera. Please use regular index cards for off-air research, bullet points and production needs.
Thanks.

The memo fails to include: "Also, the post-it notes Woody Paige uses for his slapstick predictions segment are specifically chosen for how well they reflect off Paige's face on camera. They are very expensive. Please use the generic brand Post-It notes ... and try to limit yourself to one. Oh, and all staffers attempting to speak with Mr. Bayless off camera should stop. You are upsetting his concentration."

"Cold Pizza" [ESPN]

• Posted on June 7, 1944.
"...Let me get this straight, we sent how many tanks and planes over there, it s already been one full day and they still haven t made it off of those beaches. Give me a break. How much money is being spent on that army again? Well, I know I won t be cheering for the abolition of fascism in Europe if this continues..."
• Posted on June 8, 36 AD
"...I think people should settle down about this whole resurrection thing. Even if he did rise from his tomb to the heavens, it's not like that makes him Moses all of a sudden. ... Trust me, this is no sacrifice on C's part...."

There are more. Hopefully, later on, they'll make even more.

Columns About Important Events In History By Alternate Universe Skip Bayless [Van Dusen Speaks]

The most damning compilation of complaints is brought to us by Football Outsiders, in their big post-game wrapup. It got so bad that even Skip Bayless, who, as FO puts it, "would rather rip his own balls off with his teeth than say something nice about the city of Seattle," has trashed the officials.

We think the game was poorly officiated too, and it did seem to consistently go against the Seahawks, and though we don't think it was any kind of "fix," it's clear that the "bad officials" storyline is going to stick for a while. Some have said the outcry could lead to changes in the way the NFL structures its officiating, but they said that after the American League Championship Series in baseball too, and everyone's already forgotten about that.

What will be the lasting image of the game? Sadly, you know the NFL Films highlights will burn Jerome Bettis into our brain. We'll forget about the officials, because we'll forget about the game. Penalty flags, they just don't resonate through the decades, you know?

Audibles At The Line: Super Bowl [Football Outsiders]