We don't even know who will be on the rosters when the great superpowers collide in the most important fight between former (friends and enemies) since the Trent Affair, but we do have six full months of crumpet-flavored trash talk to keep us occupied. We could spend that time studying game film and actually learning how soccer is played, but we rather talk some uneducated, cross-Atlantic shit.

So what's everyone's first take?

UK's The Sun:

Yanks a lot! Fab draw glee ....ENGLAND are dreaming of World Cup glory after landing a plum draw for next year's finals."

Meow!

U.S. Captain Landon Donovan:

It could have been worse."

Oh, snap!

English Captain John Terry:

It's obviously very exciting with some great fixtures. As far as England are concerned we are familiar with two of our opponents - USA and Slovenia - and know their players well. Hopefully this will help us prepare for those games."

No, he dinnit!

U.S. Coach Bob Bradley:

We feel that this is a group that gives us a real fair chance to move on."

Face!

UK bookmaker Paddy Power:

"Fans genuinely believe England have a chance."

UH-UH!

George Vecsey, New York Times:

This means the United States has a decent chance to advance to the second round."

OH, POW! How's it taste, England?! Are you ready for this heat, 'cause it don't stop till June! If you just want to forfeit now, we'll understand. You don't want another Saratoga on your hands, do you?

Remember the good old days of 2003 when Freedom Fries and frog hating where always on the menu? Then they got a new president (with a certified babe for a first lady), Zinedine Zidane turned out to be a psycho badass, and suddenly France didn't seem so terrible for a while. Now their "back-alley tactics" have once again reminded the world how much we love spitting on their flag and calling them sissies. It just feels right.

Even French newspapers had to admit that their team sucks and doesn't really deserve to go to the World Cup. Franco-bashing is so popular, even the French can get behind it.

Seriously, look at these guys. Those aren't just fans—the dude with the baguette on his hat is their secretary of defense!

Henry's handball sparks media storm against 'Les Bleus' [France24]

Honorable Mention: Dirk Nowitzki: Oh, good. He's still alive. [Dallas Morning News]

LeBron James: Remember when you were 12 and you thought that it would be sweet to be able to dunk so frequently and so hard that you could actually tell people you hurt yourself dunking? Okay, maybe that was last week, but congrats LeBron James. You're a hero to 5'6" guys everywhere. [AFP]

First, make the decision for yourself:

Now, let's see how they're handling it among headline writers across Ireland (and the UK, no friend of France). With their customary grace and subtlety, I'm sure.

Irish Times: "Handy Henry Ends Ireland Dream In Paris"

Evening Echo: "Handball Cost Us Our Dreams"

The Sun: "Le Hand Of God: Cheat Henry Does A Maradona"

Irish Independent: "We Played Like Lions, But South Africa Will Miss A Hell Of A Guest"

Daily Mail: "Hand Of God II: Thierry Henry Confesses He Cheated To Rob Irish Of World Cup Place

The Independent: "Hand Gaul! Ireland Furious As Henry Snatches Victory"

Looks like we've got a full-blown controversy on our hands. Could this be the meltdown that finally leads UEFA to consider instant replay? Who's UEFA's president again? Michel Platini? Never mind.

Lambert wisely chose the Times over say, Maxim or (worse) Newsweek, to give her first interview since being suspended over rough play against BYU. There were basically three messages she wanted to get across. One, rough play is a part of soccer life. Two, even though she temporarily lost her mind, she is not a she-devil. Three, you're all a bunch of sicko pervs.

She is absolutely right when she claims that the public reaction was mostly a result of her being a girl. Lambert says was most upset that people assumed that because she plays the game a little dirty, she must be some kind of bi-curious S&M freak. (No, she will not go on a date with you, anonymous loser.) It doesn't really help that the Times photographer turned her into a J. Crew model for a story that is essentially about sports, but as far as image rehabilitation projects go, I'd say this one is pretty successful.

Lambert—who only received two yellow cards in her career before the BYU game—was suspended indefinitely, but New Mexico's season is done anyway, so who knows how or if this will affect her senior year. I think that the sector of the population that is not a bunch of stuck-up worrywarts (or sexually frustrated trolls) is already on Team Elizabeth anyway, so I predict next year's Lobo home games to be the best attended matches ever.

Those Soccer Plays, in Context [New York Times]
A Soccer Mom's Response to Rough Play: 'This Is Appalling!' [Politics Daily]
The dirtiest players in football [Belfast Telegraph]

The Rhode Island state soccer championships were apparently played in the Thunderdome yesterday, as the final between Tolman and Woonsocket ended a bit earlier than scheduled after a bench-clearing, hair-pulling brawl broke out on the field. Woonsocket was leading five to zip when Kristen Cahill got into a little dustup with Tolman's Maria Lopera and things just went down hill from there. Even better, there was another brawl during the post-game medal ceremony, this time involving the fans of the two schools up in the bleachers. Now that's fucking soccer!

I think someone needs to put a stop to these hyperviolent soccer girls before they make all the soccer-playing boys in this country look like a bunch of weak bitches.

Fights break out at HS soccer game [WPRI]
Let's Get Ready To Rumble [Unprofessional Foul]
Previous: Elizabeth Lambert Is Now America's Greatest Villain

Junior Elizabeth Lambert is the Loco Lobo who cameras caught bringing the pain down on BYU in the Mountain West women's soccer semifinals. She kicked, she punched, she clawed, she yanked and basically slugged her way to global infamy. Not since Zinedine Zidane has the world cared so much about soccer players hurting each other.

We already have the apologies and recriminations—Lambert has been suspended indefinitely by her school—and there's sure to be more handwringing and "WHY ARE OUR LITTLE GIRLS SO OUT OF CONTROL?" editorials, but I suspect that Lambert will get far more grief than she probably deserves. I admit that I'm not a soccer expert, but it seems that she isn't any dirtier than most footballers—just more obvious.

You'll notice that in some of the instances, Lambert is retaliating for chippy play from the Cougars. It was grossly out of proportion retaliation, but retaliation nonetheless. A Cougar throws an elbow, Lambert throws a punch to the shoulder blades. Another pulls her shorts, she pulls her hair. Another steps on her foot, she sends one of their guys to the morgue. That's the New Mexico way.

And you'll also notice that despite all these apparent infractions, all Lambert received was one measly yellow card. The point is that these kinds of "dirty" tactics (elbows, jersey pulling, tripping) are all part of how soccer is played. It's just that its usually a lot more subtle. Clearly she crossed the line, but maybe the problem isn't that Lambert is a rageaholic thug, it's that she just isn't very good at soccer. A more accomplished player would have found a way to de-cleat her tormentors without drawing so much attention to herself. Unlike the usually reliable Zidane, who instead chose to take his revenge during the final minutes of the most important and most watched soccer match imaginable.

Yes, girls play dirty too. I know this is shocking to everyone, but not if you've ever been to a casino with Tim Floyd.

New Mexico Women's Soccer Player Suspended Indefinitely [Go Lobos]
College Soccer Player Turns NCAA Playoff Game Into Hand-to-Hand "Combat" [CBS News]
BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]
New Mexico Women's Soccer: Probably Tougher Than Cristiano Ronaldo [Sporting Blog]

Ok, I guess after watching that girl get her head pulled off this seems pretty tame, but I post this mostly to show solidarity with eye-gougers everywhere like Brandon Spikes. Spikes voluntary suspended himself for all of this Saturday's game, because the only thing worse than only getting to play just one half against Vanderbilt, is having to play a full game against Vanderbilt.

By the way, the official caption on this photo reads, "Hertha BSC player Marc Stein, right, grabs the head of Heerenveen player Oussama Assaidi, left, during their group D Europa League soccer match at Abe Lenstra stadium in Heerenveen, northern Netherlands, Thursday, Nov. 5, 2009." I understood "Thursday" but I think the rest of that is just gibberish.

[AP Photo/Peter Dejong]

* * * * *

No more Halloween posts, so stop sending the pictures now and get some help. I think it's a Loverboy kind of Friday.

And here's the link for when the YouTube inevitably gets pulled.

BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]

Nah, just kidding. The 43-year-old oil tycoon simply turned his nose up, reached into his probably gold-plated wallet, and paid the bill. He even kicked in some extra cash for the tip. Via TMZ:

The check had an automatic gratuity of 20% — $7,328 — but we're told the party threw down an extra $5,000, bringing the tip to 26%.

We're told there were 10 people at the table, who feasted on white truffles, filet mignon and a whole lotta uber-pricey wine.

Sweet fancy Moses! A lunch for 10 people totaling $52,000? I'm not a mathematician, but that comes out to...

...

...

...

$5,200 each!

According to Sports Rubbish, "[t]he group bought several bottles of wine that were $5,000 each. Other items purchased included $36 rigatoni & $15 tiramisu. Oddly, since these are dishes regular folks like us would typically purchase, they are the things that stand out as overpriced."

So I guess you could say, as far as Abramovich is concerned, in capitalist America, Russians eat you!

Wait. That doesn't make any sense. Unless he's a cannibal...nah, that can't be. Or can it?

Russian Billionaire Blows $52,000 on Lunch!!!!!! [TMZ]
Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich spent $52,000 on lunch [Sports Rubbish]