This poor woman had her face rearranged after an off-target (or on, depending upon your perspective) relay throw from the outfield plunked her. The sunglasses she was wearing did not provide adequate protection. She did not like softball before. Now she hates it: "I still don't like softball, and will really never play again!"

This is what this man gets for trying to do a "fancy slide" to take out the female second baseman: 25 stitches and a "juicy scar."

And remember poor Mike, who was pegged in the leg by an errant throw and ended up with this ugly pus bubble on his leg a couple days later. After a week with this jellyfish-looking thing on his ankle, he finally went to the hospital to get it checked out. The bubble's gone but the scar remains.

Here's poor Tim, who took an outfield fence to the shnozz that left him with this bloody mess and "exposed cartilage."

Ah, the beginning. This is Jarrett Crader, who is some sort of semi-famous person in Columbia, MO because his inclusion into Softball Failures somehow became newsworthy. Still haven't figured out how they made that tennis ball float.

Here's another ankle sprain that caused foot-swelling so bad, I mistakenly identified this person as a man in the original post. I feel terrible. But her foot has returned to normal size, which should lessen anymore gender identification problems for her.

And then there's this brave soldier, who took a screaming line drive to the forehead that fractured his sinus bone. He was kind enough to not only send us two different angles of his black-eyed face but also the disgusting (but mesmerizing) surgery photo, which would serve as the perfect photo insert for a menu at the Zombie Diner.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Would Everyone Please Stop Sliding?

You have to wear sliding shorts if you're going to slide. Have to. A must. Especially if you're wearing shorts.

I got this nice raspberry sliding into second in low level coed playoffs last year. Well, it was more of a flop/bounce than a slide. It's 12 months later and I still have a grapefruit sized lump on my ass cheek. Horseshoe used for comparison's sake.

Hamstrings Are The First To Go

Attached is photos from a guy on our softball team that tore his hamstring just one week ago. He usually plays 2B but our 3B was out so he wanted to play on the hot corner. He actually had a great game. He tore it while catching a foul ball near LF. He took off down the foul line, took his hat off and made a Jim Edmonds like catch. Little did he know though he received a 3rd degree hamstring as well according to a doctor. Hope this makes it.

This Guy Completely Deserves This

Dear Sirs,

Longtime reader, first time submitter. My buddy, let's call him Frankie S. Valenzuela Jr., didn't even slid to render his leg into the likeness of ground hamburger. He slipped rounding 1st base. Luckily, our team managed two runs for his heroics earning us a final score of 20-2. Yup, we were the team that sacrificed our limbs to avoid the shutout.

No, It's Not Softball, But You Should Be Proud

Hey Deadspin...

Big fan of the site, actually all of us here @ the Boomer and Carton Morning Show on WFAN in NY are (Will Leitch was actually a guest on our program back in Feburary). When I saw the picture of the broken ankle on your page it brought back some not so pleasent memories. I broke my ankle back in January of 2007 playing basketball (not softball full disclosure) and here are a couple of nice pictures. On a side note, my wife was 8 months pregnant with our first child at the time, needless to say she was less than thrilled. I currently have a screw and pin holding it together...Good Times...

Again, Not Softball, But His Ingenuity Is Commendable

It is a picture of my right arm in a splint whose purpose is to protect my recently surgically repaired pinkie. And for what reason would I need my pinkie surgically repaired, you might ask? That is simple: I severed two tendons in my pinkie by shattering a glass with my hand following Detroit's third goal in Game 1 of the finals. I went to hit my living room table in frustration, but failing to look before I leaped so to speak, I ended up bringing my fist down on the lip of a glass of water. And I did so with just enough force, at just the right angle, and hit the glass at just the right spot to shatter the glass into a thousand pieces, including the 1 1/2 inch shard that embedded in my hand and severed my tendons.

The whole thing sucks, but I'll tell you, it would almost have seemed worth it if the Pen's had just won the game.

LET'S GO PENS!

Robbie

p.s. Yes, what you are seeing in the picture is a rubber band, two safety pins, and some fishing line that is connected to my pinkie by being looped through my fingernail. This MacGyver shit is supposed to maintain traction (whatever that is) on my pinkie to prevent 'active flexion.' Enjoy!

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Miraculously, It Survived

Playoffs for my co-rec team in the Fall of '06. I am a spotty hitter at best and probably had not gotten a hit all night. I hit a great ball to dead center that almost rolled to the fence. I am probably the slowest girl alive and tried to leg out a triple. Having never learned how to slide, I slid with my right leg straight into the non-breakaway bag causing a spiral fracture high on my ankle. I don't know why I even slid, the third baseman hadn't caught anything all night. I was safe and obviously couldn't run, but wanted to stay cause I thought it was just a sprain. We were playing against the local hospital's team, they braced my ankle and told me to go to the emergency room, which was probably a good idea because my teammates said they heard a loud pop. We lost and I was in a cast for four months.

Another Bullshit Night In Staple City

I've played centerfield most of my life because I'm fast (like the wind). Sometimes when you're that fast you can only half hear teammates scream fence!! while running backwards full speed, head tilted back, cross bar of chain link fence meet head at full speed. Ball was about 10 ft. over a 12ft. fence. I'm told (by my mom who was way in the stands) that my head made a good tone on the fence. Reached up touched blood, felt flesh, ran in to shortstop who was an EMT and asked how it looked. He replied, "it does not look good." Mommy take me to the ER. Staple city.
Ed
injury on Long Island

Save The Girl, Ruin The Leg

I was on 1st base after a single. The batter grounded to short, so I slid at 2nd as to not kill the girl playing second. However, I was wearing shorts, because, shit, I'm playing beer league softball. The ensuing scab took about 14 days to heal, and at around the first week the plasma dripping down from it was epic.

(first picture is immediately after...)

(Then the second week in...)

Rule One Of Company Softball: Do Not Maim The CEO's 12-Year-Old Son

Alright, I held back from writing in this story because it's old and there's no pictures, but what the hell.

I played baseball up through college, taking a couple years off to recover from leg injuries. However I never lost my over-competetive spirit.

When I was young, I had a job with a small company back home; part-time on the weekends, full-time every summer. Usually, right after I got back to full-time there was the annual company "outing" at a summer camp in the area with a cookout, pool and a company slow-pitch softball game. The very first season I worked for the company, I showed up for the outing ready to play some softball. I hadn't played any organized sports in a little over two years, and I couldn't wait to get back. Keep in mind - this is a family event...

Early in the game, I was in right field because nobody really knew me and they needed somebody to play out there. The teams were picked by President of the company vs. CEO, and I was on the President's team. I'm out in right field with a couple runners on base and a guy flips a fly ball deep to right. I camp out under it and get ready to throw home to catch the kid tagging up at third. Yes, the "kid" - also known as the CEO's 12-year old son. The CEO was playing catcher and not really paying attention to my throw coming towards home plate; he was too busy goofing with his son like he was going to tackle him so he couldn't score. Unfortunately, my throw went up the third baseline about three feet... and hit the kid square in the shoulder, bounced off and clipped him in the head. He started crying, and I felt sick. I had only been with the company for like a month, and I thought I'd get fired for it. The kid came off the field after touching home plate, and he was fine on the bench. Until three innings later.

I was batting - I'm a lefty - and the same kid was playing second base. He was more interested in staring at the bugs crawling around on the ground... so he wasn't really paying attention when I smoked a one-hopper directly at him, and off of his knee. Broke his kneecap. This time, I was certain I was getting fired by the CEO on the spot. He came out to check on his kid and stare daggers at me, then they left for the hospital.

The next Monday morning, there was a note on my desk from the President of the company - "You're on my team from now on". That's all it said. I stayed with the company for five years, coming back every summer up through my junior year of college and playing in the company game and a couple of local rec-league tournaments. The CEO rarely spoke to me from that day on, and with good reason. I never saw his kid at the company outing again. But at least I always had a spot on the "roster" if I wanted it.

No, He Did Not Get Attacked By A Shark

Hey guys,

I have a pic to submit of my own softball fail injury. This gash required 25 stitches (though many of them are hidden under the skin now).

First inning of the game, I'm on first base and my girlfriend is up to bat with two outs. She hits a weak grounder to the SS, and I feel like Mr. Big Shot and try to take out the second base girl with a stylish slide.

Not only was I out by a country mile, but when I got up, I looked down to notice a monster gash on my lower left leg and blood all over my shoe! The cut was about 1.5 inches wide and a good 7 inches long.

So instead of a good hustle play getting me pats on the back, I get a ride to the hospital and juicy scar. All this for the lowest level co-ed rec league in the city :(

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

One For The Thumb

Let me start by saying that I've played and been around the game of baseball almost all 24 years of my life, and I've never sustained anything more than a cut or scratch. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I suffered this injury playing SOFTBALL. You know, the game that out of shape 50+ year olds play in their company's rec-league.

I must've been reminiscing of my glory days playing for a district championship when I laid out for a pop-fly foul and landed awkwardly on my glove hand. I knew right away that my thumb was broke when I couldn't even get the glove back on my hand and there was a noticeable deformity, but of course there was the one asshole on my team that had to chime in, "It just popped out of place, you need to pull it out, I'll do it"...FUCK THAT!

Well, 3 1/2 weeks later and nearly $6k in medical bills- here I am, drugged up on percocets (which btw makes you extremely constipated), 7 titanium screws in my thumb and a cast on my hand for the next 6-8 weeks...asking myself, "WHY THE FUCK WAS I DIVING FOR A FOUL BALL IN A REC SOFTBALL LEAGUE"? I would say that I've learned my lesson.

New Job, New Eye

So I started a new job recently and had my first game with my new company this week. I'm a decent infielder and we needed a shortstop, so I volunteered. Things were going well for a while, made some nice plays in the field, team was winning. Then in the 5th inning, disaster struck. I ranged to my right for a hard hit grounder which thanks to the completely competent groundskeeping operation at Central Park took a bad hop and nail me right in the eye (Yes, I'm throwing the city of NY under the bus here...I'm like the Omar Vizquel of corporate softball, there's no way it was my fault).

My only regret is that I didn't get a picture with the Daffy Duck band-aid that we had to get from the Little League game going on at the adjacent field. Well, actually, I also regret getting hit in the face with a ball, that kind of sucked.

The Good News Is...Vicodin Sex Is Awesome

So about a month ago, my team was playing in our 3rd game of the season. We were 1-1 so far and I was having a pretty good season so far so I invited my girlfriend and buddy to watch the game. Even better, my house is about 2 minutes from the field we play on so my mom came to watch the game too. It's the top of the 2nd inning and I'm playing right-center field. A guy on the other team crushes a ball to straight-away center field. I start taking off towards the fence because I know it's either going to be a homerun or right at the fence. I briefly look ahead and see the fence, which is about a 3-foot high chain-link fence (pretty standard for rec softball). What happened next can only be described as sheer stupidity combined with unbelievably dumb instincts. I can tell that the ball is barely going to clear the fence. Unfortunately I didn't have the time to position myself by the fence to try and jump and snag it, so, on the run, I hurdle the fence while looking up at the ball in an attempt to catch it. I came up just a few feet short of catching it. But, because I was looking up at the ball while mid-air instead of looking at the ground, I didn't see that there was a small hill right behind the fence. So, my left leg landed softly on flat ground, while my right leg (fully extended) landed on the incline of the hill. Immediately, I feel a snap in my right knee. As I could still walk (albeit with a limp), I thought I might have just sprained or dislocated my knee. However, within about 15 seconds, it started throbbing and swelling up. Turns out that I completely tore my ACL. The best part is what happened after the injury. They don't stop the game…don't even pause it. My team just throws another outfielder out there and the game keeps going. Even better, is that my mom (after seeing me go down in pain) drives her car out past the outfield and helps me into the car to take me back to my house.

Alright, You're Just A Pussy

Not grotesque, but stings like a mofo.

So, our "All World Shortstop" in our Co-Ed Social league was out of town for some bachelor party mayhem, so I filled in. Not only am I still recovering from getting a golf cart flipped on me, I did this to myself Sunday. I dove for a ball to my right and was gonna pull a nice sliding stop with a flip to third for the out. Not only was the ball out of my reach, I also jacked up my leg. I went off the field and gave it a nice tending to by pouring ice cold Bud Light on it and went back out for the rest of the game. This picture was taken after the beer bath and garden hose when I got home.

Even Wiffle Ball Can Be Injurious

Full speed collision, going for a fly ball during an intense wiffleball game. Neither one of us caught the ball. Went to the ER, diagnosed me with a sprained knee. Apprently they don't know how to read x-rays in Philadelphia, because when I got back to NY and got it checked out, I also had a fracture in my tibia. On crutches/wheelchair for 4 to 6 weeks.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

This Is Why You Shouldn't Wear Sunglasses

It was July 8th, 2008. I don't like softball, I don't play, I wasn't on the team. My friends were short a girl on their co-ed team and begged me to play so they wouldn't have to forfeit. Regretfully, I gave in and said "just this one time, I really don't want to do, but I'll do it." It was my second time around the bases, I was safe at second, turned to look for the ball and the right fielder threw a fast pitch to get me out, the ball hit me centered in my right eye socket and knocked me right over. I had sunglasses on which shattered and caused the stitches. I broke my nose in two places and cracked my orbital floor down the center. I still don't like softball, and will really never play again!

Yaaaaaaaaay!

My cousin and I were sitting on the asphalt baseball field in Thompkins Square Park one afternoon smoking a joint. Just as we finished the field filled with a large group of guys warming up for a softball game. They were playing barehand with one of those big mushy balls. Without realizing it we kind of got sucked in and joined the game. We must have been incredibly high because it wasn't until we warmed up for a while and split into teams that we realized we were playing with a bunch of retards. Literally. They weren't completely spastic, but they were definitely a little off. I guess what you call high functioning.

We split up and each of us took one team. The game was pretty good, actually, as the mushy ball and powerful skunk evened the playing field a bit. The best part, though was the bench chatter. I called out "C'mon, just make contact!" to one of my hitters. One of the kids next to me heard that and started repeating it. Again and again. Soon the whole bench picked it up and everyone started yelling it at the hitter. And the next hitter. My team was still yelling for the hitter to "just make contact" when they were playing the field. They made up for any real grasp of the game with their enthusiasm. Later we all had fun when I introduced them to such classics as "Pitcher has a rubber arm" and "Hitter takes the short bus", both of which they chanted enthusiastically.

This Girl's A Gamer

It was the end of the fourth inning and we were tied with the apposing team. I was catcher as always because I am possibly the worst softball player to have ever attempted this game. With ever ball that came my way I would jump out of the way and run to get the rolling ball that passed me. Unfortunately this time there was no moving out of the way. The batter swung and the ball ricocheted of off the bat making a b-line for me face. Not really knowing what had just happened I went, picked up the ball and threw it back to the pitcher and got back in my "catching" stance. At this point I started bleeding from where the stitches had broken the skin above my eyebrow. Everyone was frozen in place by what had just happened and that I was oblivious to it. One of the guys in outfield said that the sound it made when it hit my face was the same as when the ball hit the bat. Although a few advised me to sit out the rest of the game I played until the end. After all I wanted to make sure that I played a part (although minor) in winning. We ended up winning the game along with the championship that night. The next day I ended up going to the ER where I was told that I had a concussion and would need surgery. I am still waiting for my surgery
date (it's not life or death, just a few fractured bones) but they say it will be a 6 hour procedure. At least we won... right?

Stretch Out More Next Time

I handled running from the bar to the softball fields with 2 mins to spare with no problem. Leading off and trying to beat out a throw to first was a bit more of an issue. 4-Days after a pulled hammy attached.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

You Take Your Life In Your Hands When You Play Third Base

Here is my softball injury that I am hoping you will add for the pleasure of your reading audience. . .

This happened last July. I was playing even with the bag at 3rd base for my company's mens softball team in Birmingham, AL. The batter smoked a line drive my direction. I did not even have time to react. I had only enough time to get my glove up to my mouth but obviously that was not high enough. The ball hit me square in the forehead (I was told by my teammates that the ball landed near second base in the air after being deflected off my forehead). It did not knock me out but it did knock me to the ground, my nose started bleeding immediately and I could feel the indention in my forehead. By the time I reached the ER my forehead was swollen to the size of the softball. After having a CAT scan done, I was told my sinus bone in my forehead was fractured and would need surgery to prevent my forehead from having a softball size indention after the swelling went down. Luckily my brain was fine the sinus bone stopped the ball from fracturing my skull. I had about a three hour surgery on July 29th (my birthday), they had to insert about 15 mini-metal plates to put the bone back together. I have attached three pictures. The first two are after the injury before my surgery. The third one was taken by my doctor before he closed me up on the surgery table. You can see the metal plates he had to attach. Needless to say no more third base.

Knees Are The First To Go

Most expensive softball season ever.

New composite bat, check. Position on our grad student/faculty/significant other co-ed team, check. All was in place for another exciting league of coed recreational league slow-pitch softball last August. We were just hoping to win a game this season. Sadly, my season ended as quickly as it began.

In the first game, I got my first base hit and was feeling pretty good. Standing at first, I trotted off the base as the next batter hit a fly. Fly was caught and I tagged back on first... as simple as a task as it gets in softball... right? WRONG! As I reached the bag, my leg planted funny on the edge and quickly locked. My momentum carried me around and my knee twisted with a large POP. I instantly fell to the ground and tried to access what the heck just happened. Meanwhile, the wife is laughing at me because she thought I got hit in the nuts. Helped off the field, that was the end of the season for me.

To make a long story short, the $30 softball season turned into the most expensive in both time and monet ever after numerous Dr. visits, a MRI, ACL reconstruction surgery, and P.T. that I'm still working at. At the current pace, I'm still plan on being back on the diamond for the upcoming season in the fall, however.

Aaron

Aw, Lay Off The Lil' Feller

I played in a typical beer league for about 6 weeks. All the other dudes were overweight beer drinking louses whereas I am 5'4 and about 145 lbs. Also, most of these guys hit massive home runs and all i did was spray it around the outfield like an even shittier version of David Eckstein. Anyways no one on the team could catch the damn ball so i decided to play first base. Obviously i made a super shitty target but i could jump and usually didnt let the ball go by me. Well our third basemen made a very high throw towards me so i backed off the bag so i could prevent the kid who hit it from going to second on an error. Maybe i wasnt paying attention but the guy hit my arm and right side while running through the bag and spun me around, dropping me pretty damn hard. I played the rest of the game but i had some trouble breathing. After the game I pondered whether or not to go to the hospital. None the less I had 3 broken ribs. Also, everyone thought i was a pussy since i didnt play the next week.

Sir, I Find This Story Very Questionable

POSSIBLE FABULIST: I play softball in Chicago. One of my teams did not have the required 8 people to start the game. There was a homeless guy watching the games so we asked him to play with us. The latecomers showed and we eventually had 10 including the homeless guy.

We were down one run in the bottom of the 7th with bases loaded, two outs and the homeless guy at bat. The homeless guy hit the ball just over the woman playing 2B. The runners from third and second made it home. The homeless guy ran to first, but his false teeth fell out so he stopped to pick them up. Left centerfielder threw the ball to 1B for the force. Game over.

ME: Get out of here. Naw uh. I don't believe it.

POSSIBLE FABULIST: It happened almost 10 years ago and the worst part is the guy just rubbed the dentures on his pants and put them right back in his mouth!

Now, That's A Scrape

I wasn't going to share this, but after seeing the sorry excuse for a 'leg injury' that someone sent in on 5/20, I feel that I have to. We played in a men's league in Denver last year at a park that was pathetic at best, with a gravel infield that made a parking lot look soft. My buddy tried to stretch a single into a double, and when it turned out to be a close play, his baseball instincts took over. He slid into second, even though he was wearing shorts. He got this beauty to show for it. The wound got infected, and his leg swelled up to twice it's normal size, so he had to go to the hospital. I haven't seen him slide since. Enjoy.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Because 16 Inches Is Just Too Much To Handle

As a sub for my cousin's 12-inch team a few summers ago, I came across a sharp grounder off the bat of a large, black man. I had it read until a conveniently-placed rock decided my face was looking far too pretty.I stick to 16-inch now; besides, it's more fun. If anything, the chicks dug the black eye, which I had for about six months during my senior year of college at Tony Romo U.

Sometimes You Feel Like A...

I play in a beer league, neighborhood, slow pitch softball league. I was in left center, when the batter hit a hard line drive. I go flying towards it and right as I am about to dive for it, I realize that I have misjudged it and it is hooking toward me. But it is too late and I end up getting my glove past it as it hooks straight into my nuts. It caught the tip of the frank, but the brunt of it was on my left bean. The end result was me writhing in pain for the next few minutes. I stayed in the game and about 2 innings later I am on first. The guy up after me is a lefty who hits absolute pills. He hits one right at me about nut high. All I could do was turn away from it and it hit me on my thigh. Had I not turned, it would have hit me right in the nuts again. I now have a swollen nut and huge softball shaped welt on my thigh. Despite all this I went 5-5 and we won, but the beers after were much needed.

Put Some Tussin On It

After playing years of softball in either long pants or high socks to salvage skin when sliding, I suddenly got the bright idea in our Boston softball league that just wearing shorts would be fine. Bad choice...

This Story Could Really Use A Picture

What up...So about 6 years ago I'm playing with a bunch of older guys (50's) in an older league (I was 24 at the time) and I'm on 1st with the bases loaded when the oldest guy on the team comes up to bat (lefty) and proceeds to hit a floater JUST over the 2nd baseman's head. Base hit right? All runners move up right? Nope. I knew who was hitting so just before the pitch he hit was thrown I scoped the outfielders out to see where they were and sure enough they moved in…ALOT! I was sorta in no man's land when the ball was hit thinking that the 2nd baseman would catch it so not wanting to get doubled off of 1st (the old guys would never let me live it down) I only took a step or 2 off…watching the ball the whole way. Yep…he missed it. It went a foot over his glove so I take off! I must have taken only 2 more steps before I could see the right fielder ALREADY coming up with the ball so I'm thinking its gonna be a pretty close play at 2nd if he tries to get me (he was literally 20 feet away from 2nd with the ball) or maybe he'll get greedy and try to get the force at home or 3rd since the other base runners were OLD. Nope – he's going to 2nd. I can see him scooping the ball and lining up his throw to 2nd as I'm running so knowing it's gonna be close I dive head first into 2nd. PING! The guy fires the ball into 2nd JUST as I'm sliding and it pegs me in the back side of my head and ricochets straight toward 3rd base and goes over the bleachers on that side of the field without ever touching the ground. I'm laying on the ground now…right hand on the bag and my left hand trying to push myself up enough to shake the cobwebs off and clear the instant headache I got when I hear a voice ask if "I'm ok" to which I respond "sure". When I looked up to see who asked how I was doing I couldn't tell who it was because both teams had surrounded me on the field so I just put my head back down – spit out the mouthful of chaw I had in and proceeded to try to stand up. When I split my chaw out I heard one guy say – "man that's the weirdest blood I've ever seen" – to which everybody laughed and then that provoked another guy to say – "did you hear how loud that was when it hit his head?" – to which there was more laughter….then as I'm still trying to get up (hand on the bag mind you) I hear someone say "Ummm Yeah…you can take your hand off the base James…you were safe ace". Haha – good one – all that stuff I hear from the guys as I'm collecting myself when finally one last guy says "wow – I can see the stitches from the ball on your head…that's probably not good" (I had a Marine haircut) So I say "yeah yeah – get away from me – I'm fine – leave me alone – play ball!" Next guy up smokes one to left so I'm thankful I get to trot around the bases and was going to score easily - that was until I hit 3rd base and must have had my equilibrium all sorts of off cuz I flaked on stepping flat on the bag and rolled my ankle so I had to crawl home where I was safe by about 2 feet. I never took a picture of my head but you could see the laces from the ball for about 4 days after this happened…oh and I went into shock the same night I got drilled.

Hey, Doug Ludwig — You Fucking Suck

OK, so this isn't a gruesome injury story. But it must be told. Last week we were in the top of the 7th inning down a few runs. I'm on third base, and a rally is on the way. Then, the guy up at the plate for us took the first pitch. OK, cool. Being selective. It was a good pitch, but whatever. Then, the second pitch, probably the prettiest slow-pitch you'll ever see, goes RIGHT BY the batter and falls for strike three (we start with a 1-1 count). I know, hard to believe, but this dude STRUCK OUT LOOKING IN D-LEAGUE SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IN A CRUCIAL MOMENT. A grown man. Never took the bat off his shoulders. Struck out looking. That's it to the story. But that's as damn gruesome as someone losing an eye or getting hit in the junk with a bat. His name is Doug Ludwig, and I have attached his picture. I hope this makes the cut, because I want to be able to rag on him for this and have official deadspin proof that he did what 99 of 100 people who have ever played softball would castrate themselves for letting happen.
Thanks - Dan in Columbia, MO

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Tim's Nose Is Also A Gamer

Here's some pics of my buddy Tim after he took on an outfield fence and lost. Tim is what the softball community will call a "gamer", a softball junkie. He lied to the park district about his age so he could play when he was 16 and has been playing year-round for 20 years since(Dekalb has an indoor softball park). He can wear a different pair of softball pants for every game of the season. Tim is also the player that is not afraid to crash into a wall to make a catch.

Thursday night is mens 12" slow-pitch softball in Dekalb, IL. Last night was just the second game of the season. It was a deep fly to left-center and Tim goes back on it. He makes the nice catch and immediately crashes face first into the eight foot high chain-link fence. He held on to the ball until he hit the ground. Your move, Rick Ankiel. The pics are from the morning after the trip to the ER, complete with stitches and exposed cartilage. As I'm typing this the doctor is checking the x-rays to see if anything is broken. Oh yeah, no alcohol was involved, just nicotine. He has some pics on his phone that are from before the trip to the ER. I am anxiously awaiting those and will send them along as soon as I get them. I haven't talked to Tim yet but I imagine he's whistling through his nose while he talks, a la Jim Carrey from Me Myself and Irene. Enjoy!

The Smallest Victory

A few years ago some buddies and I started a softball team called the "Fuckin A's" and god did we ever suck. As a matter of fact we only managed one victory for the season. We arrived at the field and started warming up when the league commissioner showed up and informed us that our opponents would be forfeiting the game because they were attending a funeral. See, it turned out that a couple of the guys on the team were killed in a tragic boating accident and the rest of their teammates were mourning them at the wake. This was an awful way to get a win, and now we feel bad about it, but at the time it was our first victory of an already long season so we celebrated like we had just won the World Series.

At Least You Kept Your Glove Down

I have actually played ball all my life.. I was playing shortstop and took bad hop.. A really bad hop. This was the result.. Small concussion and lots of blood!

You Only Need One Eyebrow

I have been playing on a recreational softball team with a league in Santa Monica for three seasons. I am not very good, but I am friends with the team, so they don't complain too much about my lack of skills. I went to the batting cages, with one of my friends, in order to improve my skills at bat. I was finally hitting the ball consistently when I hit a foul ball straight up into my face. The ball hit my sunglasses, which cut open the area above my eyebrow and the ball gave me a black eye. But I have to say, ever since that day I have been able to hit the ball, which I had never done before. And I got some softball "street cred" if you will.

At Least He Married Her After This

My buddies wife (then GF) decided to play SB with work. No experience, but they needed a catcher. 1st game , 3rd inning, play at the plate.

Did not catch ball with glove, but with nose. Noses are not meant to catch softballs, hence its breaking. Wish I had a pic after a few days, her left eye was red , not just bloodshot, straight up RED.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Sir, Your Foot Appears To Be Dying

I thought you might be interested in this, which I think is grosser than the guy who caught a softball in face. I was covering home, there was a play at the plate. I was set up like a first baseman, glove arm up to make the catch and make the tag when the third baseman, who was about 10 feet away from me, heaved a fastball at my ankle. it made a loud enough sound that people on the next field heard it. It hurt. I continued to play that day, as it was the first game of a tournament, which we won. I resisted going to the dr. for almost a week.

Ed. Note: Amazingly, his foot is fine now. And Mike's team, The Cleavers, won that fateful night. He's a soldier!

When Day-Drinking Goes Horribly Wrong

A few years back, a buddy of mine played softball on Sunday evenings for his work. One particular Sunday, we spent all day on a boat drinking heavily from a keg. He had a game at 7pm that day and we decided to bring the remainder of the beer to the game that night. At the end of the fourth innning he came out for a kegstand. He ended up going 0-5 with 5 K's that day and somehow crapped his pants a little. Heres a couple of pics from that day.

Jose And Ozzie Canseco Will Never Help Your Team Win

we're away, other team is home, it's the top of the third, we're up, and i run over to coach first base. these dudes we're playing look pretty solid, big bats, bunch of athletes, but we got a jump on them in the first with three runs and tacked on two more in the second. so, our first guy up hits a nice liner for a double, and as i'm yelling out some chatter, i see these two sizeable men running up to the other team's dugout with their baseball gear "we got so goddamn lost, those directions were terrible" blah blah blah. wait, these dudes are fucking huge. and, gosh, that one kind of looks like, is that, no, but he looks like jose canseco. wow, so does the other one. but no way, right? who are these guys? i'm sort of tripping out as they walk into the dugout and start stretching a bit when i hear their guy playing first base utter "don't worry about it...jose, ozz, warm up and we'll get you in next inning." yeah, jose, ozz - it's fucking jose canseco and his brother ozzie. these dudes are big, and they're about to play against us, and i'm thinking "is this even legal in our league?" we;re about to play against some former major leaguers and, as if you don't know, some former major juice heads. (note: most of us thought their left fielder was eric davis, but never really got a confirmation on that, but either way, you could tell he played some form of pro ball, he was that good and just natural)

this is cool as shit!

so, jose's first AB - now, our league is slow pitch, but we're in the highest league and the pitchers, for the most part, are really good at throwing moon balls, i mean really high balls that come down and are pretty tricky at times to make solid contact, especially if you're used to hardball - and, we have no fences in our league, so if a ball gets past you, pretty much a homer, but the upside is you can play super deep.

so, keith, our pitcher, throws a sick moonball to jose on the first pitch and jose swung so damn hard he about screwed himself right into the ground...and missed! it was awesome. then second pitch he crushed the crap out of it but our left fielder was smartly playing in pasadena, so was able to catch it. same went for ozzie. next AB ozzie hit a weak little dribbler to thrird and was thrown out. then jose crushed a nice ball in the gap for a double.

they played shortstop and third, jose and ozzie respectively. and yours truly, who was batting cleanup last night (what's up), for my last AB, i hit a damn lazer that was a sure base hit, maybe a double, what i thought was over third's head, but ozzie climbed the ladder and caught it in the top of his glove...nobody else in our league catches that ball, seriously. he's about 6'4' and has some serious hops.

so, as i sit here with said remnants of hangover, just thought i'd share this pretty awesome, pretty surreal night i had last night. i've found myself in and around some funny situations out here in hollywood, but this one was pretty memorable. memorable especially since we beat those dudes, 10-7. chalk it up to stellar defense, and some clutch out-of-the-gate hitting.

Fing jose and ozzie canseco...

cheers,

michael

It Doesn't Look That Bad

A friend of mine wanted to play softball last season, and he apparently hadn't thrown a softball/baseball since he was a little kid. We brought him out to play on our really, really crappy team, figuring he wouldn't be dragging us down no matter what. Things started off bad when he sent his wife out to buy him a glove. She bought him some tiny, plastic-looking thing that was not going to help his struggling skills. Plus, you just gotta buy your own fargin glove.

So we got down to the fields early so my boy could warm up after a 10-year layoff. We started with a few tosses, then went to pop-ups (since he'd probably be playing outfield). I'm not talking moon shots, either-I was just kinda lobbing it up there, maybe 20 feet high.

I think he caught a few before he fully misjudged one and caught it with his face. I thought it tipped off his tiny glove, but the other guy with us swears it never even touched the glove. Either way, it sounded like someone whacking a slab of beef with a paddle. Our boy went down in a heap, and when he got up I figured he'd be a bloody mess. Instead, there was no blood, and his face looked pretty normal. Then he opened his mouth and we noticed he'd shorn off one of his front teeth. The crazy thing is how clean it was-not jagged or anything, just a clean break, halfway up the tooth, right at the gumline. Awesome.

He took this photo with his iPhone to see how bad it was. I wish I could have taken a photo of his face when he looked at the photo. He was just crushed.

Word is he's not allowed to play softball any more. No word on the fate of that kickass glove. Good news is that he found a dentist who reattached the tooth and you can't even tell it was ever shorn off.

KM

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

I got one- me. Sunday the 26th was our Coed lower level opener. We got rained out the week before. We lost the toss and went down 1-2-3 in the top of the first. Bottom of the second I (pitching) give up an in the park home-run (not as rare as you'd think seeing as how our left fielder weighs 110 pounds and has never tossed a ball in her life before tha evening), a single, and then proceed to catch the next pitch as a comebacker with my face. Attached are two of me in the ER. 30 stitches and I'm swollen like a mutha today. Ah well, we only lost 21-0. Gotta keep up the spirit of last year (last year's record 1-15). I didn't mention we all work at brewpub. Cheers!

John Rocker Is The New Kenny Powers

Last night we had a coed softball game our team is 1-5 and for some reason Ched Smaha thought we needed a spark. We arrive @ Central City and our team now includes a racist former major leaguer, John Rocker. Before the game starts Im standing at the end of the dugout and He and Ched are talking and apparently Rocker wants Ched to soft toss some balls into the side of the fence for him to hit. Ched wouldnt do it and said "its just a coed softball John". He looked @ me and grunted some words..hgolool. softoss ..... I did it and he hammered three into the chainlink fence and grunted a few more times. He then bats 2nd. in the first inning.. you'd thought it was 9th inning World Series 1996 by his intensity in the on deck circle. He STRIKES OUT- Swinging in slow pitch softball. It was great what a fuckchop. He then proceeds to Sit in the stands with the only guy in the stands and the guy is wearing a Crocodile Dundee hat, ponytail and an ole Dale Jarrett Tshirt. Sits their all night except when in the field or @ bat. He later hit a swingin bunt to the pitcher and was out. Also he played left center and dropped a routine popup Julie could've caught. I thought it was great. Couldve been a Great MLB Closer and now he went 0-2 w/ an E for the Shamrock Mudtires. He has to be one of the biggest falls from stardom in the history of all sports. Mare went 3-3 with 2 inside the parkers . Shamrock Mud Tires won 21-11, we are back on track."

Do You Have To Let It Linger?

Back when there were still record companies my cousin and I were the ringers on the Island Records squad. People who work in the music business are not overly coordinated. They're also hampered by the massive amounts of booze and drugs they ingest. The two of us claimed to work in the mailroom so we could play ball for them for several summers. In return we got CD's, concert tickets, and booze and drugs. Excellent trade.

A group called The Cranberries joined us for one game. One of the guys actually made good contact but ran to the pitchers mound instead of first base.

We always hated the pricks from TVT records. Bunch of pasty-skinned metal heads playing a co-ed game way too seriously. Used to kick their asses on the reg anyway. Punks.

Softball Season Brings Out The Best And Worst In Everyone [Deadspin]

Such is the case of the man in this video, Michael Braun, who is part of the mighty JSM Stallions. The team played its first game recently in downtown Manhattan at the Baruch Playground and, according to the emailer who sent us this video, this was Michael's first time picking up a bat. Amazingly, Michael made contact the first time he was at the plate without severely injuring himself or anyone else. Unfortunately, that's where his success ended.

Softball Failures Of America should please send us videos or stories of a comparable quality throughout the year. But, for the love of Christ, be safe out there.

This Is Why You Use A DH In Softball [YouTube]