Here's an excerpt from his 1984 piece on Jack Lambert:

The painting hangs on the wall outside the office of Art Rooney Jr., the coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers' scouting operations. It's not the kind of thing you'd want your mother or your wife to see. It's what Attila must have looked like while he was sacking a village, or the way a Viking chieftain was with his blood lust up. Only this Viking wears No. 58 and he's dressed out in the gold and black of the Steelers, eyes flashing in a maniacal frenzy; blood flecking his nose; his mouth, minus three front teeth, bared in a hideous leer. Jack Lambert's portrait epitomizes the viciousness and cruelty of our national game. The portrait was done by Merv Corning. It was one of two he submitted to the Steelers' publicity director, Joe Gordon, for possible use as a program cover, and it was rejected immediately. Too scary. Rooney saw it. He called Corning. 'Can I buy the original?' he said. The deal was made, and Rooney hung it outside his office.

Get well soon, sir.

Dr. Z is best football writer of our time [SI]
(Some good reader anecdotes about Dr. Z here, as well.)

It's no surprise that Deford assigned himself to this important story; he's the only sports journalist I know who has a reputation for making out with himself in dark, secluded booths at Manhattan clubs. A friend of mine says he actually travels with a full-length mirror. And back in March of 1975, he made the most daring fashion statement of all.

"I put on a thong. To be generous, I will say that it is only as uncomfortable as it appears. On the other hand, it is ugly. Nonetheless I pay tribute to Rudi Gernreich, the designer of the thong; he was also creator of the topless bathing suit a decade ago.

Gernreich's topless bathing suit managed somehow to make bare breasts unbecoming and, in the bargain, did equal esthetic violence to those portions of the body it covered. The thong is no less incompatible with the human form and is also frightfully painful. Wearing one feels rather like being held up on a meat hook, and to spare you the necessity of going through any hasty anatomical speculation, I have been assured that the thong is every bit as excruciating for chicks as it is for us fellas. There is some solace, perhaps, in that Gernreich has thus reduced unisex to a painful absurdity."

Remember, back when he wrote this, Deford resembled not so much the man in the photo above, but more like this, with that very special Lil' Abner meets Ashton Kutcher thing going on. Still, it doesn't make the story any more palatable.

But instead of cursing SI for this rather large helping of nightmare fuel, I choose to count my blessings. It could have been much worse; for 1975 was also about the time that the streaking craze began.

A Daring Reporter Tries On A Thong, And Tells The Naked Truth About It [SI Vault]

You, like Mr. Daulerio over here, are a graduate of La Salle. How about that football team?

They don’t have a team now. They weren’t very good. It’s probably for the best.

I remember a piece you wrote about the home run chase in 1998 that I loved, though history hasn’t served that time too well. You usually don’t write stories that are that timely.

That was a nice change of pace, though everyone feels differently about that time now. That’s the other side of me, having fun, doesn’t have to be all serious. That was throwing a change up. Not everything has to be all high-falutin.

Your work seems decidedly removed from the day-to-day rigors of the world of sports. Do you watch a lot of day-to-day coverage of sports? Do you watch Around The Horn?

I catch a piece of “SportsCenter” here or there, and keep my hand in a bit, but I think a certain amount of distance. I kind of have one foot in pretty deeply, and one foot out of it. I’m much more interested in the person involved than what’s actually going on. My subjects just happen to be in sports.

So much of sports reporting anymore seems based around the notion of reporters just trying to build up their own brand. (I am guilty of this as well.) But it’s rare anyone ever hears from you, and you’re never on TV. Is what you do a refutation of that?

That has its place. All this stuff has its place. Hopefully enough people will want to sit back and think and chew on something and make a connection in a more human way through what I do. But to just get on a laptop and riff on something, that has its place too. I do consider that journalism. Working in sports is a contradiction anyway, with the triviality and meaninglessness of it, reveling in that, but also be able to step away from it all and realize these people are human beings. There’s a whole palate of stuff that they go through that are the same things you and I go through every day, going through the same hopes and dreams and insecurities and anxieties. I try to touch both with my writing.

I usually hate interviewing athletes. They’re either impossibly dull, or so media coached that they just say nothing. We want athletes to say something interesting, and when they do, we punish them for it.

It’s a bizarre cyclical effect there. You can understand why they’re gunshy.

How do you get the teams to go along with your stories? You get unprecedented amounts of access.

It’s 90 percent of the battle sometimes. Everyone has to be consenting adults. Everyone has to be on board to do one of these things. I try to explain to them ahead of time that it’s going to be a lot more time-consuming than anything else you’ve done, and it’s going to be detail-driven. I try to make sure that everybody knows what they’re in for.

How often do people beg out?

It happens here and there. As soon as I feel that static, I pretty much pull away. The person has to want to be in Sports Illustrated in depth.

Particularly when you’re one of the few people who do this anymore. Have you seen Sports Illustrated recently? You’re kind of the only one. How involved are you with what goes on over there?

I pretty much operate in my own orbit. The magazine has been so good to me. I’m just lost in each of these successive worlds, the four worlds I dive into a year.

But you’ve noticed how different the magazine is now.

Definitely.

You’re pretty lucky to not have to deal with how dramatically sports coverage has changed in the last few years. You’ve at least seen what's happened.

It’s a shame. I don’t know how to stop it. Obviously, the economy is a factor, and the habits of people. I’m lucky enough, for now, to not have that effect what I do. I hope what I do, in some ways, can be more valued because there’s a need for someone to sit down with something, and feel something, rather than just the quick hits all the time. I see it happening. It’s sad. I think the interchange of what I do just wouldn’t work as well on the Web. You go to the Web for information, and quick opinion, but you’ve got your trigger finger on the scroll-down button. That’s not the place for the interchange that I’m trying to partake in.

Do you fear you’re the last of your kind, sports-wise, in a sense?

Oh, sure, it’s a fear. There are young people coming up who want to do what I do, and it’s so much harder to find a forum for it. There’s no way around that, and it’s a real shame. I feel bad that the opportunities to do this are shrinking. I think something’s being lost. I’m not detached from it.

Do you read blogs? You’ve been talking to me for 20 minutes and you haven’t gone Bissinger on me yet.

I don’t read them. If I’m researching something that takes me there, that’s when I end up looking at them. But to go and peruse them, I don’t. But I have no ax to grind with blogs. I read about the Bissinger thing, but I haven’t seen it. Actually, I just now realized that was you.

Do you think your work loses impact when it’s on the Web?

Well, what do you think? Do you think long pieces can work well on the Web? You have more experience in it than I do.

I think ESPN’s E-Ticket does a pretty good job. The Atlantic Online made David Foster Wallace’s footnotes easier to follow. But a lot of that is based in multimedia and distraction, making it easier to get through and hop around.

Yeah, that seems like it would work against what I’m trying to do. It has its place, don’t get me wrong. But for what I’m trying to do, I’m trying to keep my reader right here. Every word choice I make involves keeping the reader on a short leash, right in front of me. Anything that mitigates against that is eroding or undermining what I’m trying to do. I don’t think online is the ideal place for what I’m trying to do.

OK, last question: What did you think of the movie Radio, which was based off one of your stories?

I thought there was a danger of it being too sentimental, but when you see what becomes of most mainstream movies, having seen it, I felt somewhat relieved. It could have been a lot worse.

I think in the interest of full disclosure, I want to report that my daughter, Mary Beth King, has taken a PR internship with the Seattle Seahawks for the season. It's going to sound hollow to say I had nothing to do with it, but I didn't. She applied without telling me. New family rule: Mary Beth does not share conversations with Matt Hasselbeck or Mike Holmgren with her father.

That's refreshing that King didn't have anything to do with landing his daughter a job but isn't there a conflict of interest, at some level, still there? And does a "new family rule" precluding any Seahawk talk around the King family dinner table really eliminate it?

What's left out of this column is what exactly Mary Beth will be doing in the PR department. If she's refilling water jugs and doing other mindless work, it's probably not a big deal. But if she's mailing out press releases or involved in promotional events directly related to the Seahawks organization, it's a bit slippery, especially given that Mary Beth is central figure in many of King's columns. Granted, King will be smart enough not to slyly sneak in a little blurb about Lofa Totupu's Adopt-A-Kitten drive or whatever, but, in some ways, it'd probably be best to keep Mary Beth's daily activities out of MMQB until after she's completed her internship.

Peter King: MMQB [SI]

Taken aback by this development, the Cubs began their inevitable fall from grace with a 10-7 loss to the Brewers, who collected 17 hits off of five Chicago pitchers (Jason Marquis started and went five innings, taking the loss). Mike Cameron, Corey Hart, Bill Hall and JJ "Kid Dyn-o-mite" Hardy all had three hits for the Brewers. With Alfonso Soriano returning from the DL on Thursday, the Cubs will get about beating this jinx business. But just in case, I'm learning how to say Epic Fail in Japanese.

• The Yankees Have Jumped The Shark. Alex Rodriguez has been placed on the 15-day DL, a development that has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Bronx, but at least Jorge Posada now has some company. The Yankees celebrated this news by losing 6-4 to the resurgent Tigers, as Gary Sheffield and Curtis Granderson had homers and Kenny Rogers earned the win. Detroit (12-15) has won six of its past eight.

• The Sky Is Falling On Roy Halladay. If you've got kids, you've probably seen the movie Chicken Little, and the baseball scene therein. In that scene Chicken hits a home run to win the game, and takes about an hour rounding the bases, with all manner of comical missteps along the way. Such was the scene on Tuesday with David Ortiz, who scored from second on Kevin Youkilis' single in the ninth to give the Red Sox a 1-0 win over the Blue Jays. Vernon Wells helped by butchering the ball in center as Ortiz chugged around third. Jon Lester threw a one-hitter over eight innings for the win, and Roy Halladay went all the way for the loss; his fourth straight complete game, and third loss. Damn.

• The Joe Saunders Show. This Angels-Athletics rivalry is getting to be an entertaining thing. Joe Saunders went to 5-0 as LA/Anaheim/Fullerton beat Oakland 2-0, moving into a first-place tie with the Athletics in the West.

• Torre On A Roll? The offensive stylings of Jeff Kent — a two-out single in the ninth — broke a tie and gave the Dodgers their fourth straight win, 7-6, over your still-in-first-place Florida Marlins.

• Your Padres Update For Today. Maddux gives up, will skip over win No. 350 and go directly to No. 351.

Right now, it seems like either the Celtics or the Lakers could be poised for a glorious return to SI's creatively-stunted cover stories. Or maybe if the Yankees win the AL East this year, they will reclaim their faded glory in the eyes of SI editors? Or how about them Cowboys? Probably.

But the next time it's used, it should be more appropriate. Like these:

• Seattle Sonics: Return To Glory
• Duke Lacrosse: Return To Glory
• Eddie Griffin: Return To Glory
• Bad Newz Kennels: Return To Glory

Please lend a helping hand and suggest some more in the comments. Thank you.

A handy reminder to national magazine copy editors: "U before A, just about every day, except after P, which works for Gasol, or in 'FAU,' which will probably brawl."

Yep, that's it down at the bottom.

Kevin Love can sense that something is amiss.

Levin blames the influence of ESPN: The Magazine, which is probably true, which is depressing, if you've ever tried to make it through an issue of ESPN: The Magazine. (Mostly.)

Sports Illustrated is allowing market research to masquerade as editorial judgment. Perhaps it's effective from a business standpoint—the mag has maintained its huge circulation lead over ESPN the Magazine, and a recent industry survey showed an increase of 14 percent in readers between ages 18 and 24 the last two years—but it's making the magazine an inferior product.

We can't think of a more damning critique of SI in recent years than to say that it saw ESPN: The Magazine and thought, "Jeez ... look at those guys! We have to get hip like those guys!"

What's Wrong With Sports Illustrated? [Slate]

The Sports Illustrated staff was recently informed that Reilly would be leaving SI at the end of his contract in November (and you thought it was aggravating to be CC'ed on e-mails that didn't involve you) and start working for ESPN. Because of his non-compete clause, Reilly will have to wait until June to start in Bristol. From what these cats are saying, he won't just be a magazine columnist (although how fitting would it be if he took ESPN The Magazine's back page?) but rather appear on the television and say things.

Growing up I read Reilly's SI column almost religiously, but that was before the Internet had videos of monkeys playing drums, and I don't think I've read a Reilly-penned article in over four years. As for his TV schtick, he just doesn't have that same gravitas on the moving picture, and it was for that reason that I always felt he and Dave Barry should stick to the written word.

But if Reilly does have this insatiable desire to be on TV, here's my idea for the show: write a weekly column, and have ESPN film it nonstop for 60 minutes. Name of show: "The Rick Reilly Microfiche Hour." Make it happen, Norb.

Rick Reilly Leaving Sports Illustrated At End Of November [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
That Was Fast: Rick Reilly Goes to ESPN, Starts in June 2008* [The Big Lead]
Rick Reilly to Leave Sports Illustrated for ESPN [New York Times]

SI announced today that Patrick is being brought into the fold, joining the magazine after the new year and doing work for SI.com after the Super Bowl. The site will stream his radio show and host DanPatrick.com.

We think Patrick's a logical fit for SI, though we wonder how the Gary Smiths will handle yet another move toward "personality" over there. But mostly: We wonder how Rick Reilly's gonna handle not being the big dog over there. We imagine him in his foyer, writing standup comedy material and slowly, meticulously, planning Patrick's demise.

Others have pointed out the resemblance of King's MMQB ramblings to Larry King's old USA Today column, but we'd never noticed, until Food Court Lunch pointed it out to us, that he more closely resembles The Onion society columnist Jackie Harvey.

Here's a King and a Harvey, side-by-side.

Awesomeness, Billy Joel's
[At the Superbowl]: "Great combo of anthem (Billy Joel) and flyover. The four fighter jets appeared to be about 20 yards over the top of the stadium. Amazing. Prince, Schmince."

"Congratulations to piano man Billy Joel for his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Billy, with such classic records as The Nylon Curtain, Storm Front and River Of Dreams under your belt, when it comes to rocking and rolling, you're far from an 'innocent man.'"

They've got a lot more examples; it's really quite striking.

Peter King Is Jackie Harvey [Food Court Lunch]

Turns out, media reporter Richard Deitsch — with whom, in the interest of full disclosure, we once shared a drink ourselves — is a big fan of FJM and set up the whole deal. It was an excellent column by an excellent writer ... in Sports Illustrated, of all places!

ecause FJM occasionally takes other media outlets to task besides the ones that pay a salary to Morgan, Tremendous decided to donate the money SI paid him to the Jimmy Fund "so we don't feel monetarily indebted to a potential source of material." Tremendous jokes that the fact that he got to write for SI while his friends continue to toil away at FJM has created a "post-Yoko Beatles type situation." But he thinks that the fact that the magazine deigned to include his site's URL at the end of his column will ultimately help them all. "I would imagine that we will [see an uptick in traffic]," he tells Gelf, "but that it will be gradual, over the next week to ten years."

We find it incredibly admirable that Tremendous gave his pay for the piece to The Jimmy Fund; uh, we don't do that.

Getting The Call Up [Gelf Magazine]

The rules were simple: Stay in a sauna as long as you can. It must have been pretty hot in there, because the winner stayed in for ... 12 minutes.

Reilly was not the winner of the event, but you'll surely be reading about it in SI's pages sometime in the next month. (On second thought, you probably won't, unless you're desperate to hear that Robert Fick's summer reading is Playboy magazine and that he's "dying" to hang out with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.)

In any case, expect many riffs!

Competitors Flock To Finland To See How Long They Can Stand Being In A Sauna With Rick Reilly [FanIQ]

Ian Thomsen of SI.com used a fictitious P. Diddy quote about late-second-round draft pick Giorgos Printezis's wardrobe, and included it in his article with a straight face. I'm sure there are other examples of using quotes, some without attribution, where the underlying farcical humor is amplified because it bypasses a journalist's head. But I only have 40 minutes to write each post, and don't have the time for such superfluous "research."

What I do have time for, however, is a case study. I'm going to make up a quote, and prep all of you that it is, indeed, made up and wasn't actually said by anybody. Then we'll see if the quote hits any notes columns. Remember: The following is not a real quote. Okay, ready?

Detroit Tigers designated hitter Gary Sheffield has a theory on why Barry Bonds isn't participating in the All-Star Game. "It's because the MLB doesn't want a another black player in the Home Run Derby," Sheffield said in an interview. "Magglio Ordonez, Vladimir Guerrero, Miguel Cabrera ... all in the Derby. Why do you think that is? Baseball wants to make the Home Run Derby to be a racial issue."

Reporters, seriously, that's a completely accurate quote. Gary Sheffield said it. I verified it. Come on, this is a huge lead! Why would I lie about this? Use it!

...Suckers.

Sports Illustrated Steals From FanHouse and Gets Punk'd [FanHouse]

We understand Verducci's instinct; playing baseball was one of the most pleasurable things we've ever done, and we miss it, pretty much every day. But after a while, it really does just become a vanity project; yes, yes, Tom, we understand that you are in better shape than just about everybody else who covers baseball. But it might be time to let it go. To quote On The Show:

Josh Lyman in the West Wing (Brad Whitford's character) had a terrific line, saying "There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes he won't be playing professional baseball." That time in your life is now. You're a lot like that weird guy in Happy Gilmore following around Shooter McGavin, a man would do anything to be closer to the sport. It's beneath you, and it's embarrassing. Journalist's forays have often yielded disastrous, though hilarious, results, and before you know it, your wife is going to have the ass because you're spending all your time in the batting cages getting ready for your next "story", in the utterly insane notion that some team, somewhere, will actually give you a shot. Madness, I tell you.

We understand the notion; believe us, Tom, we do. But it's probably time to move on now. Every athlete scoffs that all sports reporters are just frustrated athletes. You're not doing much to prove them wrong. We know it hurts. We know. But time to put the spikes away.

Cooperstown Calling [SI.com]
Tommy Can You Hear Me? [On The Show]

Guests at Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue party on Feb. 14 and a dozen other events may have been exposed to Hepatitis A, which was diagnosed in an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering, authorities said Tuesday.

The Los Angeles County Department of Public Health urged anyone who ate raw food at the Sports Illustrated event, held at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, to receive an immune globulin shot by Wednesday.

Anyone with symptoms — hepatitis A has the best symptoms, by the way: Vomiting, diarrhea, darkened urine, jaundice — is ordered to contact their doctor immediately, and anyone who was there should probably get a shot anyway. Sports Illustrated released a statement saying they are taking the situation very seriously and that in no way will Jenn Sterger's columns be affected.

By the way, we're fairly certain Steve Rushin poisoned the food.

Hepatitis A Warning For SI Party [SI.com]

Which is why, of course, noted Sports Illustrated writer Franz Lidz — whose work we generally admire, by the way — decided to nominate Richardson for his Sportsman of the Year award. At first, we thought: Wait, Lidz is nominating him because he's the doctor who allowed thousands of sad, lonely souls (and Deadspin commenters ... as if there's a difference!) to send letters to the still-breathing Barbaro; that's lame.

But no, Lidz appears to be nominated him because Dr. Richardson took care of Lidz's pet llama.

Well, we'll ask it then: Franz Lidz has a llama? Do they just pass out exotic animals at the door over there? What kind of animal did they give Zimmerman? Peter King? We imagine Verducci having a giraffe, for some reason. And don't get us started on Jenn Sterger.

My Sportsman: Dr. Dean Richardson [SI.com]

Why? Because they're much more cultured than ESPN.

"They're a TV network," [Sports Illustrated Group editorTerry] McDonell said dismissively. "We're playing in a completely different league. We've always been about more than the score. We're more nuanced than other Web sites."

This is absolutely true: SI.com is all about the nuance.

For example:

• The cheerleader of the week contest.
• Jenn Sterger on Britney Spears.
• Oh, and, yeah, whatever the hell they're making Dr. Z do with that swimsuit model.

Delicate, subtle, almost imperceptible nuance, absolutely.

SI.com Tries To Top ESPN.com [CBS MarketWatch]

It's a rather compelling read, actually; whatever your thoughts on King, he has always known his football. Here's a couple fascinating tidbits from the story, including his 10 things that would fix the league (he's always liked his top 10 lists):

Problem #10: The game has no character and almost no color.
Solution: Do a better job marketing the players.

Comments: Here's the actual first line of Peter's final solution for the NFL..."Follow the NBA's lead." When's the last time you heard that advice? Yikes. But that's as good a line to end with as any. The NFL is king of the hill now. 13 years ago? "Be more like the NBA." Classic.

It's a fascinating read, and not just for the lack of references to King's colonoscopy.

Old SI Review: December 6, 1993 [10 Cent Freeze Pops]

Sports Illustrated will launch later this month "various video programs exclusively on SI.com," according to Terry Lefton in this week's SportsBusiness Journal. SI Managing Editor Terry McDonell said, "Our programming has to go deeper than just personalities. Our charge is to take the magazine experience and making it an every day/every hour thing on SI.com." Peter King will have an NFL-insider segment on "King's Corner;" Bob Costas and Jeff MacGregor will host "Jump The Q," which will "showcase the two in an informal setting discussing the sports issues of the day;" and Paul Zimmerman will be featured in "She Says, Z Says," where he will "offer his weekly NFL picks with SI swimsuit models who are avowed football fans." King and Costas will also star in a yet-untitled webcast on the "lighter side of sports."

First off, we can all agree that Bob Costas and Peter King just don't get enough camera time. But more to the point: Dr. Z and swimsuit models??!! Wha? We're not quite sure what to do with that. Probably cry a little.

Until this week, when Smith tackles a subject that's truly complex enough for and worthy of his eye: Pat Tillman. Smith's mammoth piece on the slain former NFL star, the circumstances of his death, the military's misguided posterization of him, the haunted members of his platoon and his family's dogged, almost compulsive persistance is as outstanding as anything you will read anywhere. It's online, too, so go to it. It's a Friday, you're not that busy.

Remember His Name [Sports Illustrated]

"Here's the deal, Peter King: we're tired of you writing about the details of your life in your otherwise very enjoyable NFL column. ... Honestly, your column has become an insufferable, scattershot, imperious bore. Regular readers of Monday Morning Quarterback have now been subjected to your coffee habit, your green tea habit, your TV show preferences, your massive airport bowel movements, your torch-carrying for post-Katrina New Orleans, your complaints about coach seating on airlines, your correspondence with deployed servicemen and the goings-on of your family, most notably your athletic daughter Mary Beth."

(UPDATE: Apparently, King missed the deadline.)

(SECOND UPDATE: The KSK guys have caved; they've taken down the two posts. Probably for the best.)

Well, this week, Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly, who never met a wacky conceit he couldn't accompany with googly-eyed photos, heading to a Dodgers game wearing the device. That's amusing enough, of course — his column has a few chuckles — but what's priceless are the absolute ridiculous photo gallery shots that accompany the story. We certainly hope these are all staged shots, because if they're not, the notion having a conversation with Reilly would be too scary to undertake.

Neverminding the fact that the gallery has several closeup shots of Reilly's crotch. Oh well: At least he's not wearing a dress.

Beer Belly Photo Gallery [SI.com]
If You're Willing To To Go This Far [Deadspin]

Anyway, apparently Reilly has made the next logical step in his career path: Stand up comedy. Via True Hoop, we discovered a review of Reilly's first standup performance at a club in Denver. Don't worry: He's not making it into a new career or anything. He just did it as practice for being the opening act for Sinbad. We're not kidding, by the way; Rick Reilly is working at a charity event as an opening act for Sinbad. And they said print was dead.

Reilly Stands Up To The Pressure [Rocky Mountain News]
Rick Reilly Is Big; It's The Screens That Got Small [Deadspin]

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated, 3 April 2006

"We stand now on the cusp of not just another season but of another era, as vulnerable as lovers on the rebound. ... A glowering Barry Bonds, closing in on Babe Ruth while under review of the commissioner's office for alleged steroid use, is our daily reminder — like the ex who works a few cubicles away — of the betrayal. And you know what? It doesn't hurt one bit. We are so over it. In fact, now we're falling hard for a game that is cleaner, more nuanced and more competitive than it has been in a generation. It's a young man's game, belonging to new stars who, certified by the sport's tougher drug policy, have replaced their juiced-up, broken-down elders who aged so ungracefully. It is baseball as it ought to be. A fresh start."

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated, 15 May 2006

"It will be a long time, if ever, before the kind of happy delusion that was 1998 can take us on a blissful, unquestioning joyride again. We know and suspect too much now. ... [B]aseball can't be the same anymore, not when Bonds can hit his 715th home run and it superiority to 714 lacks absolute clarity. No wonder so many people are booing."

Well, it has been a month.

15 May 2006, Sports Illustrated [SI.com]

The five players in the shot, taken back in February 1997, are Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Gonzalez, Rey Ordonez and Edgar Renteria. We imagine the poor photographer, being told he was in charge of the swimsuit shoot this year, then realizing that he had suddenly, tragically, been reassigned.

Seriously, though, how did this photo shoot start? "OK, everyone, you're the biggest, most up-and-coming shortstops in the game today, so we wanted to get a shot of all of you together. Now ... off with those shirts, people. Come on, come on, we're all adults here."

Sports Illustrated's Landmark Moment in Homoeroticism [PaulKatcher.com]

The main target was, of course, Billy Packer, whom Simmons slammed twice. Monitoring the chat at the time, we thought, "Aw, bet that doesn't make the final transcript. ESPN will take those out." Sure enough, out they went. Fortunately, we swiped 'em, and they're after the jump.

As for the SI story, which we've been asked about a few times since we're a part of it, we'll say it seemed somewhat reasonable, at least for your typical print magazine story about Web sites. (We thought it would be a bit more embarrassing than it was.) It still has that Andy Rooney-talking-about-grunge feel, a little big media tsk-tsking to those Wild, Wild West folks of the Interweb who aren't as Serious as They are. And as for the experience of physically picking up a copy of Sports Illustrated and reading a story that has a picture of you in it? We wouldn't know how that works; we'd already read the story online.

Chat: Bill Simmons [ESPN]
Sports Illustrated [SI.com]

Bill Simmons: I think they use [Jim Nantz] for cliches and bad puns. But I'm delighted how this whole thing turned out - everyone forgets, Billy packer has been pulling this crap since the late-70's. During the '79 Tournament, he ranted and raved that Indiana State didn't deserve to be a high seed and they made the Finals. I even have the games on tape where they talk about it. My question is this - he's not funny, and he's not more or less insightful than anyone else. So why keep him on the air when he seems to have an innate tendency to piss people off and interject himself into storylines over and over again? We can't do better than this as the lead analyst on CBS?

Bill Simmons: I'd like to eliminate that Mike mancuso guy... no, that's not his name. It's Mike M. and he has a goatee, he calls himself Mike the Mouth. That guy is the anti-Christ. When Billy packer finally leaves CBS, that's who they will replace him with - Mike the Mouth. it's really the only logical move.

In his latest column over at SI.com, the poor man's Denis Leary takes a poke at Little League baseball, trotting out the weary, cliched premise that kids' leagues which don't keep score are somehow preparing our youth for pea coats and collective farming. Mohr complains that his Godson, who plays in a T-ball league for 6- and 7-year-olds, hit two home runs that were limited to doubles because of the league's no-homer rule. Also, the game was declared a tie even though his team won. Says Mohr:

I am so sick and tired of all the coddling that goes on in kids' sports these days. If your child feels bad when he gives up a home run, then help him get over it. Why not teach kids at a young, impressionable age that there are winners and losers? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. That's what the game — and life — is all about.

We agree with Mohr that life isn't fair sometimes — like that time we had to sit through Crash, for instance. But while Mohr the neo-journalist is at that impressionable young age, he needs to be made aware of two things: First, the "Kids these days are too soft and parents are too overprotective" angle ceased to be fresh many years ago ... in fact, French archeologists have found cave paintings dealing with the subject as far back as 18,000 B.C. Second, no Little League in our wide and wonderful land implements hitting restrictions such as these all the way through every age division. It's only in some T-ball leagues — for 6- and 7-year-olds — that home runs are not allowed, and if you ask the typical child of that age how he feels about it, he won't care; he'd rather be at home playing in mud anyway.

Mohr, by the way, is a devout Yankees fan who claims that his team's traditional success has nothing to do with payroll — making him one of the last members of baseball's version of the Flat Earth Society.

Eye-Opening Experience [SI.com]

Here's the timeline of Barry Bonds' steroid "revelations:"

• March 7. Sports Illustrated publishes an excerpt from "Game Of Shadows." Revelation: Bonds took steroids at a dangerous, not-even-advised-by-his-own-doctors rate for a period of several years, including the season he hit 73 home runs. The documentation is impeccable and exhaustingly comprehensive.

• March 9: After two days of light coverage — including the great moment when the "CBS Evening News" led with the Bonds' steroids story and "SportsCenter" didn't — ESPN continues to frame the debate not about whether or not Bonds should be punished for steroid abuse, but instead whether Bonds is lying or the book is lying. Pedro Gomez pops up occasionally to inform us that Bonds has no comment at this time. Revelation: ESPN is protecting its investment in the Bonds' reality show; much sturm und drang between ESPN's news division and its Original Entertainment division.

• March 14: With the "Game Of Shadows" story already in danger of falling prey to the 24-hour news cycle — and props to several Deadspin commenters for predicting that would happen — ESPN suddenly discovers that Bonds might have done steroids ... and you can read about it in this week's ESPN: The Magazine. ESPN buys an excerpt from Jeff Pearlman's new biography of Bonds and runs it as their own big scoop. Revelation: Bonds had a conversation one time where someone — not Ken Griffey Jr. — heard him tell Ken Griffey Jr. that he was planning on someday maybe thinking of considering the possibility of doing steroids, perhaps.

• March 18: We have a conversation with two casual sports fans about Bonds, and they are able to recall the details of Pearlman's scoop about Griffey, but not those involving "Game Of Shadows." Revelation: The average fan still only gets their sports news from ESPN. Also, when you hit your head against concrete, it hurts.

We don't mean to pile on. But when you hear people talk about the ESPN monopoly, this is precisely what they're referring to.

ESPN's Barry Bonds "Scoop" [Deadspin]

We find this an unusual way to look at it; the book is not an argument or an essay: It's hard evidence. (Though it's worth noting that it's evidence leaked by prosecutors because they're likely not going to end up pursuing a case against Bonds after all.) It's like that old story about the husband who is caught cheating by his wife but still denies it: Who are you going to believe: Your lying eyes ... or Me?

But that's the way it's going: Believe in Barry, or side with the haters. (The third option is, "Who gives a crap about steroids?" a position we understand far more than "Bonds didn't do steroids and is just being attacked.") The notion of even having a debate about this seems borderline insane — an argument for Barry against the charges is similar to claiming that, actually, Team USA did beat Canada yesterday — but human beings do not choose to be sports fans because it's rational and logical. Hell, we sure didn't.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]
Baseball Etch-A-Sketches

But, you know, for a lot of people, facts just don't matter. It's a lot easier to ignore reality than it is to change your world view, and for many in the San Francisco Bay Area, Barry Bonds is still a hero — at least. Lying? Cheating? Dishonoring the game? Please.

On Tuesday night, we decided to find out exactly what today's youth thought about this ... the kids, if you will. We headed over to Bonds' old high school, Junipero Serra in San Mateo, to get various takes on the events of the past couple of days. The Padres' varsity basketball team (Serra is an all-boys school) was playing Lowell of San Francisco in the opening round of the state playoffs. We wanted to talk to Serra students to see if their opinion of their hero had changed. We were half expecting downcast looks and a few "Say it ain't so, Joe!" quotes. Man, were we wrong.

"I don't think he did it!" said sophomore Brian Noce, emphatically, hopping up and down for effect. "He wouldn't cheat. It was all weight training. There's no way he took steroids."

But the kids are not alone in their defense of Bonds. On local radio throughout the day, callers aligned with Barry by an estimated 10-1 ratio. The Bay Area is in very deep denial about this, we're sorry to say.

More reaction after the jump.

"He didn't do it. It's not steroids, he just works hard. All the kids here (at Serra) think the same thing."
— Kevin Danille, Serra junior.

"Bonds didn't take steroids. I don't know anyone at school who thinks he cheated."
— Matt Jauregui, Serra sophomore.

"I don't believe it. I think that he works hard and that the power comes from extra training. Besides, you need hand-eye coordination too. Taking steroids does not help you hit .300."
— Kevin McAlinun, Serra sophomore.

"This is a witch hunt. I feel sorry for an athlete like Tiger Woods, because when they're done with Barry, they're going to drag him down next."
— Caller to KNBR-680 AM Sportsphone on Tuesday night.

"It seems peculiar that when the most coveted record in baseball is set to be surpassed yet again by a person of non-European decent, the scrutiny grows. The fact of the matter is that Barry Bonds has never been photographed injecting or swallowing any performance enhancers."
— LStaley [SFGate.com]

"The Bonds story today is scurrilous — and I am contemplating canceling my subscription. ... Is this the way you are celebrating the approach of the baseball season? Shame on you."
— Baseballfan [SFGate.com]

Anyway, our issue just arrived, and we have the same question we have ever year: Whose job is it to strategically sprinkle the sand? We really, really hope it's Dr. Z's. We also enjoy the yearly tradition of assigning a middle aged SI writer hanging out at the photo shoot and desperately trying to write a 4,000-word piece about it without sounding like an asshole. (This time, they get around by having Rick Reilly write about that supermodel who lost her boyfriend in the tsunami disaster.)

But yeah: The SI swimsuit issue always strikes us the same way as those old debates about Barbara Eden's navel on "I Dream Of Jeanie." Wait ... this is what is so "controversial?" You're so risque, SI! What ever are we gonna do with you?

2006 Swimsuit Edition [SI.com]
The Breakthrough [The Black Table]

Whatever your thoughts on Reilly — about once a month we think he's brilliant, and the rest of the time we wonder how he was able to type that many words in half an hour — the video is, well, pretty brutal. Reilly seems visibly uncomfortable with the concept, and his regular-guy schtick works much better in print than in dopey, "George Michael Sports Machine"-'70s-style cutting techniques. Imagine Bill Simmons' cartoon, except with less work put into it. It seems beneath Reilly somehow, like someone whispered, "Hey, another check in the mail this month, just sit still for three minutes" and he said, "OK, it's the Web, I don't understand it anyway!" And we end up with this.

Of course, we're seeing it outside that 24-hour VCAST exclusive window. Maybe it was really edgy and current when it first ran.

Riffs Of Reilly [SI.com]

(And no, we have no idea why Reilly is wearing that. We just found the picture.)

Actually, it's SI.com's "On Campus" section, which, like every other site on the earth that isn't SI.com, benefits from its lack of Jay Mohr columns. But Jenn isn't just talking about herself. Nope, she's actually going to be taking questions from SI.com readers, advice questions on relationships, friendships and all other concepts that sports fans go to sports Web sites for guidance on.

Oh, and Jenn's official Web site has been redesigned. But why do we have a feeling you knew that already? Pigs.

Dear Cowgirl [SI On Campus]
JenniferSterger.com [Official Site]

We hear that SI assistant managing editor Roy S. Johnson accepted a buyout of his contract today. This had been Johnson's third stint with the magazine. We hear Johnson's buyout is "unconnected" to the other Time Inc. layoffs, which were mostly on the biz side, though it's all very confusing.

We're never pleased to see someone lose their job, so we wish Mr. Johnson much good luck.

Roy S. Johnson Archive [SI.com]

Selections from the most recent Monday Morning Quarterback column:

• Carolina. Weird, unusual. But dominating.
• The CBS in-game football music. It's awful. You guys have to change it. I'll beg if I need to.
• I'm so odd I'm asking for bobbleheads for Christmas, and my kids look at me like I'm a very strange man.
• Charlotte's a nice, growing, comfortable downtown. Very nice. Good walking city too.
• House withdrawal. Missed it last week. Feel my pain?

Honestly, would a single one of those lines be out of place in a Larry King column? We're full expecting a "Look up a picture of 'class' in the dictionary, and you'll see a picture of Kurt Schottenheimer" sentence any day now.

Peter King Archive [SI.com]
I Am Fucking Insane [The Onion]

That said, we do love it when media people become part of the story, and that's what happened last weekend when Sports Illustrated writer Michael Bamberger turned Wie in about a scoring infraction, costing her the first money of her pro career. Bamberger says he had a "sleepless night" deciding whether or not to turn her in, but ultimately he did. The big debate now is whether he's a huge self-promoter (we doubt it) or beacon of light for truth and justice (we doubt that too). He's actually started a little blog feud at TravelGolf.com, and golf blog fights, those are always great.

We're more interested in Bamberger, who, every time we look at him, is hanging out with high schoolers. His last project we saw was the book Wonderland, which details a year in the life of high school students in suburban-area Philadelphia. (It's a pretty good book, though we still love the idea of middle-aged Bamberger peeling "DORK" signs off his back in the lunch room.) Combine this with his career covering golf for SI, we kind of have to think this is pretty much his dream story.

SI Reporter Reports Rules Infraction [SI.com]
Welcome To The Pros, Michelle [Travel Golf]

We don't have much more to say about Romo, except:

1. Anybody else remember the Rick Reilly column in Sports Illustrated — titled "Health Nut" — about how impressive Romo's workout routine is? About how he works harder than any other athlete, and how that's the secret of his longevity? Yeah. That column was written in September 2003; not very long ago. Whoops.
2. We could look at that painting there all day. It's from something called T's Original Art and is definitely the best painting of a linebacker fighting a demon horse from hell to save the castle that we've ever seen.

Health Nut [SI.com]
This Just In: Mexicans In Mexico [The Lumberyard]
T's Original Art [Official Site]

(UPDATE: A reader reminds us that Reilly had no problem with requesting Sammy Sosa pee in a cup, but gave Romo a pass because they're old pals from back in Denver. We had forgotten about that. Wonder if he asked Rebecca Romijn to pee in a cup, while we're thinking about it.)

If you don't remember it, the story — which ultimately cost Price his dream job at Alabama — detailed Price's dalliances with two strippers in a Pensacola, Fla. hotel room. It was written by Don Yeager and featured this damning line:

The woman, who declined comment when asked if she was paid for the evening, said that the threesome engaged "in some pretty aggressive sex." She said that at one point she and her female companion decided to add a little levity to the activity: "We started screaming 'Roll Tide!' and he was yelling back, 'It's rolling, baby, it's rolling.'"

That quote would be classified as "damaging to one's reputation." Here's the thing, though: Yaeger didn't take notes when he interviewed the woman, he didn't tape the interview, his fact-checker disagreed with several parts of the story and, oh, Yaeger paid his source too. (The whole thing is detailed by Football Outsiders' Michael David Smith right here.) Yaeger also has taken heat for his side job as a lobbyist, a job that SI says he doesn't have anymore, an assertion that those he still lobbies take issue with.

So SI's one paragraph statement today, trying to close the issue, serves two masters: SI hopes people don't pry too much more into their shoddy reporting, and Mike Price hopes people forget that, well, he had a threesome (or foursome) with a bunch of strippers. One hand washing the other; that sounds like something a lobbyist might do.

SI Statement On Price Lawsuit [SI.com]
The Tabloidization Of Media [The New Republic] (subscription required)
Lobbyist To Appeal Fine [St. Petersburg Times]