Therefore, we ask: Just how much money is SI.com paying "The Hot Read' author Arash Markazi for all his trips, and what are they getting for their money? Other than stories the suddenly everywhere "journalist" can tell his friends about he was hanging out with Matt Leinart/Wayne Gretzky/Reggie Bush/ad nauseum.

Just look at some of these trips, prior to this summer, in which he was, of course, in Germany for the World Cup.

• 6/29/06: Was in New York, and did a column on the NBA draft party — which consisted mostly of an account of Ricky Terrell and Paul Pierce playing pool.
• 6/12/06: In New York for Belmont stakes. Also covered wrestling.
• 5/19/06: London, covering the Henry Theirry signing. It seems that all he did for this column was attend the press conference.
• 5/18/06: Paris, writing on the Champions League final.
• 4/3/06: Chicago for Wrestlemania, also visited Rosemont, Ill.!
• 1/3/06: Tempe, Ariz., as part of a five-bowl-game swing. This one is the Fiesta Bowl.

Also, do not miss his 1/20/05 column in which he interviews the city of Philadelphia.

The Hot Read is neither hot nor much of a read; it seems to be a vehicle for SI to get as many sports celebrity names as possible onto the site, without actually offending anyone or breaking any news. There seems to be little reason to send our protagonist out of the LA area, which means, of course, SI does it all the time. Ironically, when a field trip is justified — such as the Nathan's hot dog eating contest in NY (which could have been really funny and offbeat in the right hands) — Markazi stays at home and writes a pedestrian column off of the TV coverage (7/7/05).

Unless, of course, he's independently wealthy and is paying for all this himself. Which would just be kind of sad.

On The Scene [SI.com]
Markazi's Pretty Obviously Self-Penned Wikipedia Page [Wikipedia]

Our personal favorite Markazi paragraph, as a bonus, is after the jump.

(UPDATE: Several people have informed us that Markazi is, in fact, self-financed. Which explains a lot. By the way, we also hear, from all accounts, that Markazi is a very nice guy. Which also explains a lot.)

"Before heading to Kaiserslautern, I walk down old town Cologne and grab a quick lunch from one of the dozens of cafes and restaurants that line the cobble stoned streets. It's interesting that the large bratwursts, knockwursts, liverwursts and any other kind of wursts you can think of are heated and placed tiny rolls so both ends stick out. It's almost as if the bread is simply there so you don't burn your hands holding the meet. The piping hot sausages are so tasty though that the lack of accompanying bread quickly becomes a non-factor. It is also interesting to note that when ordering beer in most German establishments you simply ask for a beer instead of requesting a specific brand as most places only serve their own local beer as opposed to having a dozen different types of brew on tap."

But that's not the fun part. It's the fine print, with its strange requirements of our neighbors to the north, that gave us pause.

"Any Canadian winner will also be required to correctly answer, unaided, a time-limited mathematical skill-testing question in order to receive a prize.

Uh, what? Wethinks someone in the Time Warner promotions department was a little bored this week. Either that, or Canadian golf fans need to finally get off the Metric system.

(UPDATE: Amazingly, there's a logical answer to this. Canadians are so weird.)

We know it goes. You've worked a late night, and your editor — who told this job had all kinds of writing possibilities, that it was Sports Illustrated, before you realized the job was just writing taglines and editing Jenn Sterger's copy — is on your case to do one last photo gallery. You're bleary. You're tired. You just want to go home.

So you come across a photo of Matt Leinart and Nick Lachey that you're supposed to file in the database. God, you just can't ... do ... one ... more. You save the photo ... but you can't help yourself ... so you name it "douche.jpg."

It's a small protest, but still: It's yours. Besides ... no one will ever find out.

Oddball Photos Of The Year [SI.com] (Just right click on the picture and go to properties, then read the picture title ... until they change it, anyway.)

(UPDATE: They just changed it to "lachey.jpg." Darn. Here's what it looked like, though, in case you don't believe us. Plus, you can find it here.)

We had two thoughts. First, you are all officially implored to read Gary Smith's feature on broadcaster Max Kellerman and the murder of his brother Sam by boxer James Butler. That's pretty much it for serious reads, so our second point comes from a quote from Diamondbacks shortstop Orlando Hudson, who was asked, in another example of the SI ethical, upstanding and intellectual standards that separate them from the beasts, "Your favorite off-day activity?" Hudson replied:

"I'll wash a few clothes, get that out of the way. I like a movie. I'll watch a scary movie, then come back, watch Lifetime [TV Network] and chill."

Hudson failed to add," See, yo, first I grab me some 'Nanny,' working in a little 'Golden Girls,' the old standby. Then it's Tuesday, and you know what time that is! You're in Meredith Baxter-Birney country. That man's cheatin' on you, dawg! Don't just sit there and take it!"

Sports Illustrated: April 10 Issue [SI.com]
O-Dawg Enjoys Strong Medicine [Premature Adjudication]

ESPN is reporting that Bonds has left camp in Arizona to "attend to personal matters" in Los Angeles; the Giants emphasized that it was a previously scheduled trip and had nothing to do with the Sports Illustrated bombshell that was dropped yesterday. ESPN's coverage of this story has been curious, to say the least; the Bonds story was the second story on the CBS Evening News last night, which, strangely, was the exact same position it held on SportsCenter.

The issue has been raised, of course, whether we should really care about all of this, whether it really matters if someone uses steroids. We think it's a good point — the whole dewy-eyed business of "purity of the game" seems an insistance from a generation earlier than ours — but Bonds, still, seems like an extreme case. In fact, there's something almost Shakespearean about Bonds. Blessed with otherworldly talent, relentless self-regard and a destructive need to dominate everyone at everything, Bonds has never done anything than simply be Barry Bonds. That was what made him great, and that was what could do him in. Though we don't think that's what made him dress up like Paula Abdul; we have no idea what made him do that.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]

(By the way, this whole thing could help stave off the apocalypse.)

Specifically:

1. The producers of the ESPN Original Entertainment reality show. Needless to say, you're not gonna see Bonds dressing up as Paula Abdul anytime soon.
2. Pedro Gomez. Honestly. This guy has done everything but live in Barry Bonds' rectal cavity for the last three years; this guy didn't have this story? What the hell has he been doing out there? The guy's lone job for three years has been to follow Barry Bonds around. And all he's gonna have to contribute to this story is a "Bonds had no comment to the press" on the 6 p.m. SportsCenter. Let's just say we'd be surprised if he gets a raise.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to see if we can get some of this "Mexican Beans" steroid we just read so much about. We thought you just get that at White Castle.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]

In addition to clear documentation of not only the types of steroids uses by Bonds, it includes the dosages, levels and schedules of the different types of injections/ingestions/spreading-of-clear. It also points out that Bonds was renowned for violent mood swings and, yes, sexual dysfunction. The story could not be more devastating to Bonds than if he had confessed on the spot. In fact, it's probably worse.

We think it's clear right now that this is baseball's Watergate, and the reporters — Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams — are as close to Woodward and Bernstein as we're gonna get. They have followed this story relentlessly for years, and not enough people noticed. But this is what we all wanted: Definitive proof that Barry Bonds was using steroids. It's match point; game over.

But seriously: Go read the story. There can no longer be any doubt.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]
Who Put The Chron On Steroids? [San Francisco Magazine]

The bombshell has officially dropped: Sports Illustrated says it has definitive proof that Barry Bonds used steroids. The story — we just finished it — is damning ... to say the least. In case you don't want to dig through the whole thing.

• In 2001: "Bonds was using two designer steroids referred to as the Cream and the Clear, as well as insulin, human growth hormone, testosterone decanoate (a fast-acting steroid known as Mexican beans) and trenbolone, a steroid created to improve the muscle quality of cattle."
• Bonds actually went off-cycle to take as many steroids as possible, injesting (or injecting) far before his regular schedule required him to.
• He started taking the higher-grade steroids because he was "jealous of Mark McGwire."

You know ... there's just too much here. And if you're wary of their sourcing, don't be. The documentation is exhaustive, to say the least. This is damning, damning, damning. James Frey-The Smoking Gun level damning.

Uh, this might stay in the news for a while. Stay tuned. And we're never going to lunch again.

Bonds Exposed [SI.com]

Rushin's columns are famous for finding the delectable hilarity of the similarity of the word "Johannesburger" to the world "Roethlisberger." Rushin has single-handedly brought back the pun to American sportswriting, and for that, uh ... well thanks, we guess.

Rushin also proves that the best way to win a national sportswriter of the year award is never actually have an opinion, but be a big fan of jokes about Viagra and sand traps. Steve Rushin: America's youngest Borscht Belt comic. Congrats!

Honestly, we'll never understand awards. Maybe we'll understand them when we're 80. It's like the voters were saying, "We give it to Rick Reilly all the time ... let's thing young, hip ... hmm ... young ... hip ... RUSHIN!"

Rushin Named Top Sportswriter [ESPN]
A Billion People Can't Be Wrong [SI.com]