Deadspin: sports on tv

Worst Golf Scores Or Worst Video Game? You Decide

Matt Sussman — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 12:00:00 EDT

There's no doubt in my mind today's recommendation should be the world's worst video game, Cheetahmen II, because if you decide to play video games instead of finding out what happens in the British Open, you deserve to play something horrible. The story behind this is that 1,500 copies of the unreleased game were found in a warehouse in 1997 then sold, only to find out the game had hardly been debugged. The only redemption, it seems in its cult following, is its music. So there. Watch golf instead.

• In Progress — Golf: British Open, final round. Singpore's Chih-Bing Lam, in last place with +31, should make a last-minute push to convert the scores to Modified Stableford. [ABC]

• In Progress — Boxing: US Olympic trials. You'd imagine, rather than fighting each other, you'd see which American can beat up foreigners the best. [MSNBC]

• 1:00 p.m. — Baseball: Oakland A's at New York Yankees. Another walk off hit-by-pitch (known henceforth as a "stumble off") would be grand. [TBS]

• 1:30 p.m. — Racing: IRL Honda Indy 200, Lexington, Ohio. When chicanery is a good thing. [ABC]

• 2:30 p.m. — Beach Volleyball: Womens AVP Brooklyn Open final. If "womens beach volleyball" doesn't close the deal, no amount of hucksterism is going to get you into watching this one. [NBC]

• 3:00 p.m. — LPGA: State Farm Classic, final round. In solidarity, I think nobody should sign their scorecards. [ESPN2]

TV Or Command Line Baseball? You Make The Call

Matt Sussman — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Aside from the British Open, you're probably best not watching TV unless your son/cousin/girlfriend is playing in any of the televised games. Instead, here are your marching orders: find a copy of the old DOS game Major League Manager, plug in any of your successful fantasy teams from this year, start a league that includes the 1927 New York Yankees, and play a seven game series. Then watch a bunch of "graphics" and computer blips simulate a baseball game. Oh wow, that asterisk went above that horizontal line! Home run!! Then, after each game, you can print out the box scores on dot matrix paper, then kick back with a cool, refreshing Crystal Pepsi. That in itself is a full day.

(Anecdote: I remember buying this game at Media Play for five dollars. New.)

• In Progress — Golf: British Open, third round, Southport, England. Please pair up David Duval and Jean Van de Velde on Sunday. PLEASE. [ABC]

• 1 p.m. — LPGA: State Farm Classic, third round, Springfield, Illinois. If they fail to hit it past the mens tees, do they play the rest of the hole clam out? [ESPN2]

• 2:30 p.m. — Beach Volleyball: AVP Brooklyn Open final. Hell, just finishing the tournament without one's pants full of sand should earn one a medal. [NBC]

• 3:00 p.m. — Womens tennis: Bank of the West Classic semifinals, Palo Alto, California. I have no idea if Ashley Harkleroad is in this tournament, but merely saying her name caused eight more people to read this sentence, and that's what really counts.

• 3:30 p.m. — MLB. Damn near everyone gets Red Sox-Angels, others get Phillies-Marlins or Padres-Cardinals. Here, you look. Maybe they can get 13-year baseball veteran and broadcaster Eric Karros to give some insight on what it's like to play in the All-Star G... oh. [FOX]

• 4:00 p.m. — Action Sports Tour: Right Guard Open, Cleveland. After playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater and manualing all the way across the course, I'm just going to be disappointed by anything less than that.

The TV Selection Today, It's the Pits

Matt Sussman — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 11:15:00 EDT

What I really need to know, like, soon, is why in Kid Icarus, you die if you go off the screen, even though ten freakin' seconds ago you had just scrolled up from there. Is that a Greek thing? Does the Eggplant Wizard douse the out-of-screen platforms in poisonous ouzo? Or was Pit merely training for his triumphant return, 22 years later, in "Super Smash Brothers Brawl," when everyone dies when they go off screen? These are great questions on which to ruminate, because buddy, there isn't a lot going on in terms of TV today, unless you're into that "Gyro 2008" tournament or whatever it's called. I mean, I like lamb meat as much as the next fellow, but this is ridiculous. But don't worry, it's only 86 more days until Game 5 of the NBA Finals.

11:50 a.m. — Euro 2008: Spain vs. Sweden. A rematch of the classic 1154 war for Gaul. [ESPN2]

2:00 p.m. — College World Series: Florida State vs. Stanford. For the CWS, the Stanford mascot is, appropriately so, made of aluminum. [ESPN]

2:30 p.m. — Euro 2008: Greece vs. Russia. One brought us Yakov Smirnoff, the other Debbie Matenopoulos. Whatever the opposite of "tie" is, I hope they suffer that fate. [ESPN2]

3:00 p.m. — U.S. Olympic Boxing Invitational. You are cordially invited to beat the festering shit out some other dudes. RSVP. [NBC]

3:00 p.m. — Movie: Wayne's World [Comedy]

3:30 p.m. — MLB: Teams depending on your zip code. And sorry, MLB.TV subscribers! Should have thought ahead! [FOX]

3:30 p.m. — WNBA: Detroit Shock at Phoenix Mercury. Are all womens basketball team mascots supposed to be named after rejected Mega Man boss names? [ABC]

4:00 p.m. — NCAA track and field championships, Des Moines, Iowa. Aside from quantum physics, this is the only college-rank entity which recognizes the metric system as something useful. [CBS]

4:00 p.m. — U.S. Open, third round. Everyone point and laugh at Niclas Fasth's second-round 86. Unimpressive. I could do that playing just half the course. [NBC]

When The Simpsons Were Edgy, But Not Funny

sussman — Sun, 25 May 2008 12:50:00 EDT

There've been a lot of Simpsons games throughout the years, few of them any good. The one that stands the test of time was probably the original arcade game. I recommend it today as you watch the Indy 500. So I know what you're asking. "Where am I going to find the original arcade machine?" That really isn't my problem. I just make the recommendations. But when you find it, and you get stuck, Progressive Boink has a walkthrough.

• In Progress — French Open, first round. Half the womens field is retiring after this tournament. [ESPN2]

• 1:00 p.m. — Indy 500. Really? There's a driver named Will Power? [ABC]

• 1:00 p.m. — NCAA softball: Virginia Tech at Michigan. Braylon Edwards can't be happy with Megan Gregory for wearing No. 1, since she's an outfielder and not a wide receiver. [ESPN]

• 1:00 p.m. — Baseball: Mariners at Yankees. The winner of this game will go on to be asked what they think about the Braves. [TBS]

• 3:00 p.m. — Golf: PGA Crowne Plaza Invitational, Fort Worth, Texas. Good practice for Phil Mickelson on losing third round leads. [CBS]

• 3:00 p.m. — Golf: U.S. Senior PGA Championship. In the event of a tie, the winner will be who can yell at 13-25-year-olds the loudest, getting them off the fairway. [NBC]

At Least One Jew Went On To Become A Video Game Superhero

sussman — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:00:00 EDT

There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation behind my false sense of superiority. I blame today's retro video game pick, Solomon's Key. You see, every five levels or so were grouped together by a sign of the Zodiac. It started with Aries and moved forward. Aquarius, my birth mascot, was one of the last series of levels to play in this puzzle game. It's just a dude with a bucket of water. In retrospect, I had nothing to brag about. But it's a valid reason on which to blame the shortcomings of myself and of what's on TV today. Hope you like softball and lacrosse!

• 12 p.m. — NCAA softball: Virginia Tech at Michigan. Just like baseball, only the thing they use to pitch is softer, and more absorbent. [ESPN]

• 12 p.m. — NCAA lacrosse: Syracuse at Virginia. In lacrosse terms, Syracuse is one of those overlooked West coast teams. [ESPN2]

• 1 p.m. — Movie: Groundhog Day. The one time a Turner-owned station decides not to play a movie more than once in a row, and it happens to be this one. [TBS]

• 2 p.m. — NCAA softball, Super regional. Windmill punch > roundhouse. [ESPN]

• 2 p.m. — NCAA lacrosse: Duke vs. Johns Hopkins. The winning players will become CEOs. The losing players will be relegated to COOs. [ESPN2]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: PGA Crowne Plaza Invitational, Fort Worth, Texas. A tradition unlike 24½ others. [CBS]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: Champions Tour Senior PGA Championship, third round, Rochester, N.Y. They will also resume the end of any second day rounds which were suspended due to robot attacks. [NBC]

• 3:30 p.m. — WNBA: Seattle Storm at San Antonio Silver Stars. Sufferin' succotash. [ABC]

• 3:30 p.m. — MLB: Coverage Table. It's refreshing to see they're picking the Rockies as one of the games of the week, based solely on their World Series appearance and in no way being that they're playing the Mets. [FOX]

• 4:30 p.m. — NCAA softball. You will get your fill of Taryne Mowatt and like it. [ESPN]

"The Red Sword" Didn't Have The Same Kick

sussman — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 13:25:00 EDT

Since we're working under a closer-based economy, a lot of stuff is already in progress, so let's not dilly dally. Okay, a little bit of sloth is in order. After all, it is Sunday, and I'm by no means a slave driver. As everyone knows, the slaves drive me! Ah, plantation humor. Oh, crud, there go my chances for winning the 1868 election. Your recommended retro video game for today will be the Genesis's Sword of Vermillion, which for some reason always gets left out of discussions of great RPGs. It moves like Dragon Warrior and battles like Legend of Zelda. But it tastes terrible, so for God's sakes, please don't eat the cartridge.

• In Progress — American Le Mans, in Long Beach, California. No, you Le Mans. [ABC]

• In Progress — LPGA: Ginn Open, final round, Reunion, Florida. Those first few rounds just blew right by, didn't they? [CBS]

• In Progress — Champions Tour: Outback Steakhouse Pro-Am, final round. My money's on the old guy. [NBC]

• In Progress — Women's Tennis: Family Circle Tour, Charleston, South Carolina. If it's a family event, then why all the grunting?

• In Progress — NBA Playoffs: Raptors at Magic, Game 1. Magic brought the Raptors back to life in Jurassic Park. Just giving the headline writers an idea in case Orlando chokes. [TNT]

• 1:30 p.m. — MLB: Dodgers at Braves. It's one of those days where TBS looks at the general baseball schedule, sees the game they get, and jump in the air with glee. [TBS]

• 2:00 p.m. — NASCAR Nationwide Series: Corono Mexico 200, from Mexico City. The only difference between this race and races in the USA is that the horns play something completely different. [ESPN]

• 2:00 p.m. — Movie: Napoleon Dynamite. You just know, since it's TV, they're gonna bleep out all the "gosh" exclamations with "golly," making it unrealistic. [Comedy Central]

• 3:00 p.m. — NBA Playoffs: Nuggets at Lakers, Game 1. Remember that one time when Denver was the 8-seed and they won their first round series? Yeah? Think that can happen again? No? Me neither. [ABC]

• 3:00 p.m. — PGA: The Heritage, Hilton Head, South Carolina. I saw the video and, trust me, Hilton Head is nothing you want these days. [CBS]

• 3:00 p.m. — NHL Playoffs; Red Wings at Predators, Game 6. Detroit's playing well. Odd that the only thing the Predators can do now is ... pray. [NBC]

NBA Playoffs ... Or Video Game Baseball?

sussman — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 11:40:00 EDT

Well, my fellow Americans, we've got... HEY! Stop putting misspelled captions underneath pictures of cats for ONE SECOND and pay attention here. We've got basketball playoffs for you, and if you don't pay attention to the regular season, you at least start becoming aware of pro hoops around this time. There are two games this afternoon, as well as hockey, tennis, racing ... something for everyone. There's also baseball, but if you need some guaranteed quality baseball, try NES's Legends of the Diamond. Sandlot baseball for Hall of Famers. It's Field Of Dreams without corn.

Now for today's listings:

• 12:30 p.m. — NBA Playoffs: Wizards at Cavaliers, Game 1. Which team wants to lose to Boston in five games more? [ESPN]

• 1:00 p.m. — NHL Playoffs: Flyers at Capitals, Game 5. NBC? But my TV only gets Versus and the Lifetime Movie Channel. [NBC]

• 1:00 p.m. — Women's Tennis: Family Circle Cup, Charleston, South Carolina. I wasn't aware the WTA allowed comic strips to sponsor tournaments. [ESPN2]

• 1:30 p.m. — Women's Golf: LPGA Ginn Open, second round, Reunion, Florida. It won't be safe to drink if you leave the gin open all weekend. [CBS]

• 3:00 p.m. — NBA Playoffs: Suns at Spurs, Game 1. I've heard these two teams have played before, and are not fans of one another. Can someone fact-check this for me? [ABC]

• 3:00 p.m. — GOlf: PGA The Heritage, third round, Hilton Head, South Carolina. A Tradition Unlike A Few Others. [CBS]

• 3:00 p.m. — IRL: Indy Japan 300, Motegi. Losers of the race, per Japanese game show rules, will be kicked in the balls. (Or vagina.) [ESPN]

• 3:30 p.m. — MLB: Depends on your place of residence. [FOX]

• 4:00 p.m. — Golf: Champions Tour, Outback Steakhouse Pro-Am, Lutz, Florida. No ratings, just right. [NBC]

TV Listings (With Proper Timestampery)

sussman — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 12:00:00 EDT

Quite exciting, this web log magic. For once the TV listings will show up on the correct date, unless of course I'm merely being preemptively presumptuous and the TV listings for today appear sometime next Thursday on Jalopnik. So let's see where the time-o-meter takes us, so in the meantime, please take some time for StarTropics II: Zoda's Revenge, a game loosely based on Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure — the movie, not the video game.

And now for the moving picture listings. There's actually some watchable junk in here:

• 12:30 p.m. — NHL: Chicago Blackhawks at Detroit Red Wings. Bill Wirtz has blacked out the game in most purgatory neighborhoods. [NBC]

• 1 p.m. — NBA: Golden State Warriors at New Orleans Hornets. Hey Chris Paul, I love your mom's fishsticks! No, that's a compliment, don't... *whack* [ABC]

• 1 p.m. — Tennis: Sony Ericsson Open, Rafael Nadal vs. Nikolay Davydenko. Or perhaps it's Novak Djokovic wearing Rafael Nadal's skin. [CBS]

• 1 p.m. — MLB: Boston Red Sox at Toronto Blue Jays. Thanks to the exchange rate, Kevin Youkilis needs only 3.9 pitches for a walk. [TBS]

• 2:10 p.m. — MLB: Houston Astros at Chicago Cubs. Those who had April 5 in the "Kerry Wood DL" pool, you've already lost. Nice effort, though. [WGN]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: LPGA Kraft Nabisco Championship, final round. The ladies tees are closer to the greens, but it's merely a coincidence. They were intended to be closer to shoe sales. [CBS]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: Houston Open, final round. Can Chad Campbell overtake Johnson Wagner's insurmountable four-shot lead? You're crazy! [NBC]

• 3:30 p.m. — NBA: Dallas Mavericks at Phoenix Suns. A riveting matchup of teans who won't be in the Western Conference final. [ABC]

Buzzsaw Girl Is Not Who You Think

sussman — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 12:10:00 EDT

The telly selection this afternoon is mediocre. And I can say that with a streak of honesty because the TV companies aren't paying me. Now the Internet, on the other hand ... has TONS of great stuff you can read. And a lot of it can be found on this website! Don't question it. Your retro video game for the day will be Nintendo's Defenders of Dynatron City, which was either adapted from a comic book, or from an animated series, or spun off into one. It's hard to tell, the game kind of "lacked interesting things."

• 12 noon — Women's Tennis: Sony Ericsson Open. More women with last names ending in -ova than you can possibly fathom. [CBS]

• 1 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Skills Competition. It's too bad kids these days leave college early to participate in professional skills competitions. [ESPN]

• 1:30 p.m. — Auto Racing: American Le Mans, St. Petersburg, Florida. Not a lot of people know this, but last year it was called the American Le Devil Mans. [ABC]

• 2 p.m. — PGA: Houston Open, third round. Johnson Wagner has a three-stroke lead after 36 holes, but perhaps because he's the aggregate score of two surnames. [NBC]

• 2 p.m. — Movie: Scary Movie [Telemundo] (Just in case you need a cultural relativist perspective on a Wayans Bros. movie. You look like you do.)

• 3 p.m. — NBA: Orlando Magic at Cleveland Cavaliers. Why is there a sticker of Dwight Howard in Ben Wallace's dreads? [ESPN]

• 3 p.m. — NASCAR: Nationwide Series, O'Reilly 300, Texas Motor Speedway. Wherein the Sprint Cup drivers actually pull down the pants of the regular Nationwide drivers on yellow flag laps. [ESPN2]

• 3:30 p.m. — MLB: This one team vs. some other team. All game are blacked out in Barbados. [FOX]

It's TV or Nerd SimCity, Your Choice

sussman — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 12:00:00 EDT

One wonders if Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax was a big sports guy — we're gonna assume "no" until his estate can prove otherwise — but even he would admit there's a hell of a lot of actual worthwhile games today. The Rockets try to continue their winning streak against the Lakers. The SEC championship somehow became Georgia vs. Arkansas. And a car race with no inclement weather! That's new. And with all of that, he'd probably rather play the old school Stronghold, which is basically Sim-City with saving throws.

• 12 noon — NHL: Philadelphia Flyers at Pittsburgh Penguins. Way to rub it into the entire species that being able to fly is something mutually exclusive from being a penguin. [NBC]

• 1:00 p.m. — NBA: New Orleans Hornets at Detroit Pistons. Chris Paul? I love his fishsticks! [ABC]

• 1:00 p.m. — NCAA basketball: ACC Championship, Clemson vs. North Carolina. Winner actually does play the Charlotte Bobcats. [ESPN]

• ~~1:00 p.m.~~ — NCAA basketball: SEC Championship, Georgia vs. Arkansas. Bubble teams were last seen trying to disable the Bulldogs' alarm clocks. ~~[CBS]~~ (It's 3:30 on ESPN2 now.)

• 1:00 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Southland Championship, UT-Arlington vs. Northwestern State. The Demons, playing on the Sabbath? Well, I never. [ESPN2]

• 1:30 p.m. — NASCAR: Food City 500, Bristol, Tennessee. Darrell Waltrip just drew an exquisite Venn diagram outlying the relationship between rubbin' and racin'. [FOX]

• 2:30 p.m. — Golf: Arnold Palmer Invitational, final round. Tiger Woods and Sean O'Hair in a chip-off. Who ya got? [NBC]

• 3:00 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Big 12 Championship, Kansas vs. Texas. There's so much on the line here. Winner gets taken down perhaps a full notch on their tournament seeding. Duke & Duke have held more expensive bets. [ESPN]

• 3:30 p.m. — NBA: LA Lakers at Houston Rockets. The world needs the dulcet passing of Rafer Alston now more than ever. [ABC]

• 3:30 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Big Ten Championship, Illinois vs. Wisconsin. As is tradition, the Big Ten title game will be played without a shot clock. [CBS]

• 4:00 p.m. — MLB Spring Training: LA Angels at Chicago Cubs. Strangely, nobody wants to sign Felix Pie's cast. [WGN]

Those Are Some Stunning VGA Graphics

sussman — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:10:00 EDT

There should be plenty of college basketball today for everyone. (Even you, Milton. Just pass.) But just in case the amateur hoops circuit isn't your thing, or you just got dumped by one of the Storming The Floor fellas, then perhaps you might want to crack open your old 5¼ floppy and play some Stunts.

Holy polygonal Christ. After that video, it immediately makes me want to quit Deadspin this weekend, fly back home to where my PC laptop lies, buy an external floppy drive, find my Stunts disk, and make a bunch of tracks and race Skid Vicious on every one of them. It seems like a lot of work, but it's potentially worth it.

The College Basketball Stuff

• 11:30 a.m. — CUSA Championship: Tulsa vs. Memphis [CBS]
• 12 noon — America East Championship: Hartford vs. UMBC [ESPN2]
• 1:30 p.m. — ACC Semifinal: Virginia Tech vs. North Carolina [ESPN]
• 2:00 p.m. — Big Ten Semifinal: Michigan State vs. Wisconsin [CBS]
• 2:00 p.m. — Big 12 Semifinal: Oklahoma vs. Texas [ESPN2]
• 3:30 p.m. — ACC Semifinal: Clemson vs. Duke [ESPN]
• 3:45 p.m. — Big Ten Semifinal: Illinois vs. Minnesota [CBS]
• 4:00 p.m. — Big 12 Semifinal: Texas A&M vs. Kansas [ESPN2]
• 4:00 p.m. — Mountain West Women's Championship: New Mexico vs. San Diego State [VS]

The Non College Basketball Stuff

• 2:30 p.m. — NASCAR Nationwide Series: Sharpie Mini 300, Bristol, Tenn. I see what they did there. Mini Sharpie. Mini racetrack. [ABC]

• 2:30 p.m. — Golf: Arnold Palmer Invitational. Half iced tea, half lemonade for everyone! [NBC]

• 2:00 p.m. — Pool: 2006 World Cup of Trick Shots. Always aim for the crotch. [ESPN Classic]

• 3:00 p.m. — Movie: Meatballs Part II. Yep. It's probably best to crack into your own DVD collection instead. [Comedy Central]

• 4:00 p.m. — Spring training: Cubs vs White Sox. Watch Double-A players valiantly hustle to try and make the Triple-A team. [WGN]

The Future Of Baseball, As Told By Japanese Programmers

sussman — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:10:00 EST

Today's TV has some quality games, plus a little bit for everyone. Some hockey, basketball, NASCAR ... but no baseball. So if you need your baseball fix, why not try Super Baseball 2020 for the Genesis or Super Nintendo, where there's no such thing as foul territory beyond the first and third bases. Your other option is to keep staring down the uniform of this graphically-drawn blonde chick. I'm not here to judge.

• 12 noon — NCAA Basketball: Kentucky at Tennessee. Spotting Bruce Pearl is the anti-Where's Waldo. [CBS]

• 12 noon — Curling: Canada Cup Finals. Kevin Martin is curling's Tiger Woods. Only white. (Which you could reasonably assume.) [CBC]

• 12:30 p.m. — NHL: Flyers at Rangers. Philly's hot. Henrik Lundqvist is hot. Everyone's hot. The ice is melting. [NBC]

• 12:30 p.m. — PBA Bowling: Buckeye State Classic. Typifying pretty much the only legal thing high school kids can do in Ohio. [ESPN]

• 12:30 p.m. — National Dance Team Championship. Before broadband Internet, this is what middle-aged men beat off to on Sunday afternoons in the late 80s. [ESPN2]

• 1:00 p.m. — NBA: Bulls at Cavaliers. In case Cleveland fans miss Larry Hughes, perhaps this game will remind them to be happy. [ABC]

• 2:00 p.m. — NCAA Basketball: Indiana at Michigan State. Dan Dakich on national TV again. Isn't that pleasant. [pops Prozac] [CBS]

• 2:00 p.m. — International Speed Pool Challenge. The notion of shooting again after a miss is intriguing. The notion of it being timed? Less so. [ESPN]

• 3:00 p.m. — PGA Golf: Honda Classic, final round. Time to see how the famous Luke Donald-Mark Calcavecchia rivalry plays out. [NBC]

• 3:30 p.m. — NBA: Mavericks at Lakers. Keep Jason Kidd away from the dancers. [ABC]

• 3:30 p.m. — NASCAR Sprint Cup: UAW-Dodge 400, Las Vegas. Scientists have discovered a correlation between rubbin' and racin', but cannot deduce the two are interchangeable. [FOX]

• 4:00 p.m. — NCAA Basketball: Some game, probably. [CBS]

• 4:00 p.m. — Baseball Tonight. Well, "tonight" for the folks in Boca Raton, perhaps. [ESPN]

You've Picked Up A Mauve TV Guide

sussman — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 12:10:00 EST

Somehow, we were able to escape the February Of Sadness, but this first week of March doesn't seem to yield much excitement beyond the Grapefruit League and the Atlantic Sun basketball tournament. With that in mind, today's video game you oughta play is the obscure Dragon Crystal for the Sega Game Gear. Don't own a Game Gear? Then never mind.

• In Progress — Curling: Canada Cup page playoffs. There's no shame in watching this just for Jennifer Jones. At least I hope. [CBC]

• 12 noon — College basketball: Duke at NC State. The Research Triangle is atwitter. [CBS]

• 12 noon — Pittsburgh at Syracuse. Orangemen fans have tried to concoct a funny Myron Cope jeer, but it just didn't work out. [ESPN]

• 12 noon — 2005 Wheelchair Pool Championship. Tune in to see if whoever won this tournament got a standing ovation. [ESPN Classic]

12 noon — College basketball: Wright State at Valparaiso. Raiders and Crusaders have more in common than one might think. [ESPN2]

1 p.m. — Arena football: Dallas Desperados at Georgia Force. Is she related to Funny Car legend John Force? [ABC]

1 p.m. — Gymnastics: American Cup. Since it's America, the cup will likely be 44 ounces. [NBC]

2 p.m. — College basketball: Texas A&M at Oklahoma. Boomer Sooner, Longar Longar. [ESPN]

2 p.m. — College basketball: Wichita State at Drake. How teams in Iowa and Kansas can be part of a conference called "The Valley" didn't fare so well in topography class. [ESPN2]

3 p.m. — PGA Golf: Honda Classic, third round coverage. I was thinking about the Cadillac, but I'm thinking of going with the 1984 Honda Classic that used to belong to Jon Voight. [NBC]

3:30 p.m. — College basketball: North Carolina Tar Heels at Boston College Nicotine Squares. [ABC]

4 p.m. — College basketball: TBA. Could be anything. Could be meat ... could be cake. [CBS]

4 p.m. — College basketball: Ohio State at Minnesota. I'll take my chances with TBA. [ESPN]

How To Stay "Busy" Until 6:17 p.m.

sussman — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 12:00:00 EST

If you open your window and spit, you'll likely hit a channel with some kind of Super Bowl pregame show. But if you have Final Fantasy Legend III for the original GameBoy lying around, for the love of God don't spit on it, because that's my recommended retro game for the day.

FFL III is the only game of the FFL trilogy that actually makes any goddamn sense, and this is the one where robots can transform to humans just by eating a dead enemy's flesh. That oughta tell you just how much of a shitcartridge FFL I was.

Onto TV listings:

• Noon, which is now — Movie: Mrs. Doubtfire. A heartwarming tale of how one man dresses up as a 70-year-old woman to stop his ex-wife from fucking James Bond. [ABC Family]

• 1 p.m. — Snowboarding: Jeep King of the Mountain. I thought we established the king of the mountain was Sir Edmund Hillary. [CBS]

• 2 p.m. — NHL: New York Rangers at Montreal Canadians. What a coincidence, the collective TV viewership is also nicknamed the Original Six. [NBC]

• 2 p.m. — AMA Supercross, Anaheim, California. Even though it's a viable option around lunchtime, I prefer the Supersalad special. [CBS]

• 2 p.m. — Bowling: PBA Exempt Doubles Classic, Las Vegas. Just because the tournament is exempt doesn't mean you're exempt from watching it. There will be bowling questions on tonight's live blog. [ESPN]

• 2:30 p.m. — NBA: Dallas Mavericks at Detroit Pistons. They're playing this during the day so Lindsey Hunter will be able to make his cribbage tournament tonight. [ABC]

• 3 p.m. — Movie: Ice Age. A heartwarming tale of how one woolly mammoth's PowerPoint presentation convinces a nation of mastodons to raise emission standards. [FX]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: FBR Open, final round, Scottsdale, Arizona. Just like everyone predicted, J.B. Holmes and Charles Warren share the lead after 54. [CBS]

• 4 p.m. — Movie: Fools Rush In. A heartwarming tale of how I try to get you to watch Fools Rush In, then laugh behind your back when you do. [TBS]

Tell Mike To Dip My TV Listings In Water

sussman — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 12:10:00 EST

It's college basketball and college basketball alone day on TV. So if you can't stand hoops without an intricate bracket in hand, your required retro video game playing for the day is NES's StarTropics. It's not quite Legend of Zelda, but ... well, it's not quite Legend of Zelda.

• Began at noon — College basketball: Syracuse at Villanova. An epic battle to decide 37th place team in the Big East. [ESPN]

• Also began at noon — College basketball: Maryland at Georgia Tech. I feel like slamming Greivis Vasquez for turning the ball over too much, if only to see what Scott Van Pelt's reaction is. [ESPN2]

• 1 p.m. — College basketball: Kentucky at Georgia. Uga will appear at the game by proxy. The real one has to be at a ribbon-cutting for a new Krystal. [CBS]

• 1 p.m. — Documentary: Third And A Mile: The History Of The Black Quarterback. Adapted from a book by New York Times writer William C. Rhoden, nowhere does it mention Jarious Jackson, Quincy Carter, or Akili Smith. [ESPN Classic]

• 2 p.m. — College basketball: Oklahoma State at Texas Tech. Bring your game faces, OSU. [ESPN]

• 2 p.m. — College basketball: Rider at Siena. Aanother claassic MAAC gaame. [ESPN2]

• 3 p.m. — Track and Field: Millrose Games. I predict gold medals out of Thomas Calabro and Courtney Thorne-Smith. [NBC]

• 3 p.m. — Golf: FBR Open, Scottsdale, Arizona. "Wow, a lot of sportswriters came out to watch us play." [CBS]

• 3:30 p.m. — College Basketball: Teams TBA. When asked about who the teams were, network spokesman Moblin replied, "It's a secret to everyone." [ABC]

• 4 p.m. — College basketball: South Alabama at Louisiana-Monroe. Really, you want ULM to win? Does that mean you hate USA? [ESPN2]

• 4 p.m. — College Football All-Star Challenge. Today's hottest NCAA stars try to run an obstacle course while dodging Yahoo! Sports investigative writers. [ESPN]

The NFL Playoffs Should Do, But Just In Case...

sussman — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 12:15:00 EST

Truth be told, yesterday's playoff games had some exciting moments, but all of them occurred in the first halves. If these two games today continue that trend, we might be searching for something else to occupy our Sundays. Your other option is to play ActRaiser for the Super Nintendo.

Think how SimCity would be if the mayor of the town was good at swordfighting. You're now thinking of ActRaiser.

• Noon, which is now — Bowling: ConstructionJobs.com Championship. Applying for a construction job online is just lathe-y. [ESPN Classic]

• Also on at noon — Hastily Thrown Together Reality Show: Scott Baio Is 46 ... And Pregnant. But he was just single, like, last year. I forget what show I heard that on. [VH1]

• 1 p.m. — NFL Playoffs: Chargers at Colts. Unable to locate his big toe all week, the Chargers will appear to at least try to play Antonio Gates. [CBS]

• 1 p.m. — Bowling: Earl Anthony Classic, Medford, Oregon. I could live blog this instead, if you guys are up for it. [ESPN]

• 2 p.m. — Movie: Super Troopers. If the playoff game turns out to be a bore, it might not meow be a bad idea to watch some of this. [Comedy]

• 2 p.m. — NBA: Bulls at Hawks. They're actually going to play the last 47 minutes of this game when it's discovered the Bulls didn't use their normal roster but in fact a CYO team from Aurora. [WGN]

• 2:30 p.m. — Pool: World Cup of Trick Shots, Uncasville, Connecticut. This gives David Blaine another idea for a trick. Survive an entire month eating nothing but pool table felt. [ESPN]

• 3 p.m. — NCAA women's basketball: Southern Miss at SMU. I've always been a sucker for a Southern miss. I think it's the accent. [ESPN2]

• 4:30 p.m. — NFL Playoffs: Giants at Cowboys. If New York loses, I'm sure the local media will understand. [FOX]

• 4:30 p.m. — College basketball: It, um, doesn't say which teams, but the only 4:30 games are Illinois at Indiana and Stanford at Oregon. Move forward at your own discretion. [CBS]

Biding Time Until Tonight's NFL Playoffs

sussman — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 12:10:00 EST

Considering the NFL playoffs don't begin until 4:30 and you can't sleep in until 4 on Saturdays anymore (ah, freshman year), the afternoon consists of very little beyond college basketball. So my retro video game recommendation today is Kid Chamelon for the Sega Genesis. Back then it was very meta to play a video game where the premise is that the main character is playing a video game. Back then you also had to blow on cartridges.

And look how cool he is! Hair gel, sunglasses, leather jacket, and blue jeans with rolled up pant legs. Dude must have, like, a buttload of pogs.

• This Just Started — NCAA basketball: NC State at North Carolina. Tyler ... "Hans-bro" or "Hans-burrow?" We cannot move forward until we clear this up. [ESPN]

• 12:30 p.m. — PGA Tour; Sony Open, second round, Honolulu. Oddly enough, highlights of this tournament will be available on HD DVD. [Golf Channel]

• 1 p.m. — Movie: Orange County. "Why do you feel the need to waste time on TV listing posts?" "Because THAT'S ... what you DO ... after Fridays!" [Comedy]

• 1:30 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Vanderbilt at Kentucky. Vandy center Andrew "A.J." Ogilvy has no middle name. The J is arbitrarily added on. That doesn't seem fair. [CBS]

• 2 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Connecticut at Georgetown. Wow, I don't recognize a name on the UConn men's basketball roster. That hasn't happened since, well, last year. [ESPN]

• 2 p.m. — Made: Zach wants to be a figure skater. He didn't specify if he wanted to be a talented one. We can easily arrange that. [MTV]

• 3 p.m. — NCAA basketball: Arizona at Houston. UH fans are smelling an upset. No, wait... that's just New Orleans. [ESPN2]

• 4 p.m. — Snowboarding: Jeep King of the Mountain, Telluride, Colorado. Since I've built it up in my head that this event consists of snowboarders dodging Jeep Wranglers, I'll change the channel disappointed. [CBS]

• 4:30 p.m. — NFL Playoffs: Seahawks at Packers. Mike Holmgren, in his pregame speech to his team, will stress the importance of Quaker Oatmeal. It's the right thing to do. [FOX]

NBC's Gift To Me Is Curling On Television

sussman — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 13:00:00 EST

• 1:00 p.m. — Pool: Women's 9-Ball Championship, Lincoln City, Oregon. If you go on a date with a girl and she beats you in pool, it's probably a good idea to either never call her again. [ESPN]
• 2:30 p.m. — Curling: Korbel Elite Challenge, Rockefeller Center Ice Rink. Why there's a televised curling event in the U.S. that's not being held in Bemidji, Minnesota, I have no idea. [NBC]
• 3:00 p.m. — Triathlon: St. Croix Half Ironman. Half Iron? So would that be aluminum? [Versus]
• 4:00 p.m. — Golf: Wendy's 3-Tour Challenge. Teams are comprised of one player from the PGA, the LGPA, and the Champions (senior) Tour. Which team gets to play with Bob Barker? [ABC]
• 4:00 p.m. — Figure Skating: ISU Grand Prix Final, Torino, Italy. At first I thought you needed to have engines and wheels to constitute a sport having a "Grand Prix," then I remember that figure skaters use axels. [ESPN]
NFL Distribution Maps
• 1:00 p.m. — Imposing the Cleveland-Cincinnati game on the New York City market. Beautiful. [CBS]
• 4:15ish p.m. — Most of us get Miami-New England. Sorry, Idaho. [CBS]
• 1:00/4:00p.m. — If this site's timestamps differentiate from your own clock, congratulations, you're probably watching Packers-Bears right now. [FOX]

They Don't Snowboard In Bikinis, So Ratings Suffer

sussman — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 11:45:00 EST

• 12 noon — NCAA Basketball: Georgetown at Memphis [ESPN]
• 1:00 p.m. — Papajohns.com Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati [ESPN2]
• 1:00 p.m. — Movie: Planes, Trains And Automobiles [Comedy]
• 2:00 p.m. — NCAA Basketball: UCLA at Michigan [CBS]
• 2:30 p.m. — Movie: Goodfellas [Spike]
• 3:00 p.m. — NCAA Basketball: Tennessee at Xavier [ESPN]
• 3:00 p.m. — U.S. Snowboarding Grand Prix (taped) [NBC]
• 4:00 p.m. — College basketball: Florida at Ohio State [CBS]
• 4:00 p.m. — Golf: Wendy's 3-Tour Challenge [ABC]

It Would Take Your Mother One... No, Two... Hours To Watch Bowling

sussman — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 12:40:00 EST

• 12:30 p.m. — Movie: Napoleon Dynamite [Comedy Central]
• 1:00 p.m. — Bowling: PBA Great Lakes Classic [ESPN]
• 1:00 p.m. — Movie: White Men Can't Jump [A&E]
• 2:00 p.m. — Skiing: FIS World Cup, tape delay [NBC]
• 2:30 p.m. — Golf: V Foundation Celebrity Classic [ESPN2]
• 3:00 p.m. — Golf: Father/Son Challenge [NBC]

NFL Distribution Maps
CBS 1:00 / 4:00
Fox 1:00
Fox 4:15ish