Bonds' legal team objected to technical flaws in the original indictment. By law, the government can accuse a defendant of only one crime per count of an indictment. Bonds lawyer Dennis Riordan contended that the indictment accused Bonds of telling as many as five lies in a single perjury count. Judge Susan Illston agreed, and ordered the government to rewrite the document. The new indictment broke each of the old perjury charges into multiple new ones.

This actually changes nothing, really. Bonds still faces a maximum of 30 months in jail if found guilty on all counts, same as before. It's just that now, all the counts are proportioned in smaller, bite-sized pieces.

You know, it really frosts me. Why would a major league team not offer a contract to an aging outfielder with no speed and bad knees who has a reputation as a clubhouse cancer, probably took cattle steroids for several years and has criminal counts that seemingly multiply like rabbits? Must be collusion.

Now Bonds Faces 14 BALCO Perjury Counts [SFGate]

This shift in anger (or interest) is no more apparent than when Barry ridiculously popped up in rapper David Banner's video for "Get Like Me," showing off his swing and sporting a nondescript baseball hat straight out of a Tom Emanski video. Banner did his best to put it out there as a positive addition for his new video, not grasping how kind of bizarre it is :

"Barry Bonds came out!" Banner said with pride. "You know how y'all like to have your rappers' friends — Barry Bonds is here. Barry came fresh out of court to come holla at me. That's real."

Fresh out of court? Surreal, maybe. Bonds appears in the video at the 49 second mark. Maybe this is the only way he can attempt to generate interest from any teams looking for a big left handed bat in their lineup.

David Banner "Get Like Me" [On Smash]
David Banner Gets A List Of Support For 'Get Like Me' Video [MTV News]

After all, considering the considerable steroid haze surrounding Bonds and (to a somewhat lesser extent) Sosa, one could make the argument that Griffey is the first "legitimate" player to reach the mark since Mays. And when you consider how much time Griffey has missed because of injury — injuries that, theoretically, could have been avoided a bit if he had bothered to use steroids — he probably should have reached this mark years ago.

But there's not much rigmarole or pomp for Griffey, and it's likely he'll be traded not long after he hits 600 anyway. People can say all they want about the "horrors" of steroids. We still focus more on users' accomplishments than of those who never touched the stuff, and paid the price.

Where's All The Hoopla For Ken Griffey Jr.'s 600th Homer? [Sportaphile]

Saunooke seems a bit bewildered by the firing ... and more than a little relieved.

"What's percolating is I don't represent him anymore. I terminated my relationship with him," said Saunooke. "Just moving on. It's a number of things. Irreconcilable differences, disagreement on some issues. I just don't need the hassle anymore."

Here's perhaps our favorite section on Canseco and Saunooke from the story:

Over the last few years, Rob has negotiated prospective deals for Jose worth almost $2 million. Rob got Taco Bell to ante up $25,000, plus residuals, for Jose to star in a TV commercial in which Jose would hold up a huge burrito and say, "This thing's gotta be on something." Jose demanded $50,000 instead and Taco Bell walked. Rob also got Jose an offer of $100,000 from GoldenPalace.com, which would require Jose simply to wear that company's t-shirt and cap whenever he was on TV. Jose demanded $200,000 and Golden Palace walked. Then, Rob got Jose an offer of $75,000 from a reality TV show that wanted to film Jose in a wheelchair for thirty days. Jose demanded more, and the TV show vanished. Finally, Rob got Jose an offer of $500,000 for a movie based on his life, but Jose demanded $1.5 million and the offer vanished. "I told him, 'You're not Bill Clinton, Jose!'" said Rob.

Rob, we congratulate you on your return to the world of the sane.

Jose Canseco Parts Ways With His Longtime Agent [New York Daily News]
Chasing Jose, By Pat Jordan [Deadspin]

Yep, big heads, ripped muscles, imperceptible testicles ... those look like steroid users to us.

And hey, all you Pirates fans who have been frustrated that Barry Bonds waited until after he left your team to take steroids — and become pretty much the greatest hitter of all time — can take heed: In these cards, Barry's all roided up in the Pittsburgh uniform. So you have that.

Topps Pretty Much Predicted The Steroid Era In 1992 [FanIQ]

We can't say it was necessarily "enlightened discourse," but hey, it's radio. As you'd probably guess, Canseco is not pleased about the story, which means, of course, it's a pack of lies. After all, it's Jose Canseco, a beacon of truth and justice. You can hear the Jordan-Canseco clip right here.

boomp3.com

And if you want to hear the whole interview, here's the whole thing in five parts:

boomp3.com
boomp3.com
boomp3.com
boomp3.com
boomp3.com

So, as it turns out, the Nationals have removed Paul LoDuca from his duties, which was a surprise to him, and MLB.com. Poor guy, sure.

The White House said it played no role in determining who would catch the pitch. "Whatever the decision the Nationals make is up to them," White House spokesman Tony Fratto said by telephone Thursday. "In no way did we, or would we, raise any issues."

Lo Duca said after Thursday's final Grapefruit League game that he had no animosity about the situation. Lo Duca declined to speculate as to whether his role in the Mitchell report had anything to do with the decision.

By the way, boy, do we ever love that picture.

Nationals Replace LoDuca To Catch Bush's First Pitch [Think Progress]

A-Rod's reaction is no reaction. How Zen.

When first told Tuesday morning that Canseco had leveled accusations against him, Rodriguez asked what more Canseco had said than in previous accusations. Told that Canseco had written about introducing him to a known supplier of steroids, Rodriguez said, "I really have absolutely no reaction."



Lavin, who posted his findings on his blog, joelavin.com, also reported that Canseco accused A-Rod of pursuing Canseco's wife, the reason for Canseco's clear animosity toward the Yankees' third baseman. When Rodriguez was told about that, he raised his eyebrows and asked, "He said that in his book?", then said, "I have absolutely no comment."

It's a pity that, if Lavin's findings are true, A-Rod is about to get pilloried because of allegations from Jose Canseco. Though, to be fair, if we were a young up-and-coming star, the minute we saw an aged, shriveling Jose Canseco sauntering toward us in the locker room, we'd hightail it in the opposite. Fast.

Canseco Goes After A-Rod In New Book [Newsday]
Source: Canseco Accuses A-Rod Of Steroid Abuse, Wife Coveting, In New Book [Deadspin]

This is Jose Canseco, of course, which means all accusations are based on personal animosity, surrounded in Canseco's typical shadiness ... and probably true. According to Levin's account of the book, Canseco wanted to include Clemens in Juiced, but his publishers said no. As for Ordonez, you might remember Maggs as the guy Canseco allegedly demanded invest in one of Jose's movies or else he would include him in his next book. (Apparently, he didn't invest in the movie.)

But A-Rod will be the real story, and even though everyone in baseball will ignore it because it's Canseco, well, as much as an idiot as Canseco is, the guy was the one guy who was right about this last time. We all know that past performance is no indicator of future results, but it's worth noting.

Here's what Lavin reports him saying about A-Rod:

As for Alex Rodriguez, Canseco says he didn't inject Rodriguez, but that he "introduced Alex to a known supplier of steroids." Canseco didn't mention Rodriguez in the first book because he "hated the bastard." He was worried that people would have "questioned [his] motives" had he included Rodriguez.

Why all the hatred, you ask. Well, Canseco claims that A-Rod was trying to sleep with Canseco's wife. Apparently, even after Canseco had been nice enough to help A-Rod find a friendly steroids supplier, A-Rod kept calling Canseco's wife.

And, in case there's any further confusion about Canseco's true feelings, he ends the chapter by saying:

So A-Rod, if you're reading this book, and if I'm not getting through to you, let's get clear on one thing: I hate your fucking guts.

So, yeah, everybody: Welcome back, baseball!

Jose Canseco Reviewed: With Spoilers [JoeLavin.com]
Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball [Amazon]

In an open letter (PDF) to Clemens, they offer them a position as team mascot. Well, backup team mascot, actually.

We have already designed a new logo for the Huntsville Stars that now includes a rocket. Since everybody this side of Venus knows you as the 'Rocket,' we would like to offer you the position of our team's official secondary mascot, 'Rocket.' As 'Rocket,' you will dress as an astronaut and simply interact with fans and assist in on-field promotions during our 70-game home schedule when the primary mascot, Homer the Polecat, is not available.

We firmly believe that you would be a great addition to our organization and are willing to move forward in the negotiation process as soon as possible. Although the position isn't the most lucrative in Minor League Baseball, we will guarantee that you'll have the most fun of any team with which you've been employed. In addition to your $25 per game, you will receive meal vouchers redeemable at the concession stands for one hotdog and one soft drink each night, and a 15% employee discount at our team's souvenir store, The Backstop Shop.

You know, that's a pretty good deal. The question hangs there, unanswered: Drug testing, or no?

Stars Letter To Clemens (PDF)

By our count, the following folks have had some sort of connection with this whole steroid business:

• Rick Ankiel.
• Ryan Franklin.
• Troy Glaus.
• Juan Gonzalez.
• Ron Villone.

And Tony La Russa was interested in Barry Bonds, remember. (And boy, what could have possibly gone wrong there?)

We've been asked if we have some problem with this, if we are some sort of Tony La Russa apologist, the same way he has been an apologist for all the steroid abusers he's managed over the years. We're not sure why this is; LaRussa is one of the most fun people to make fun of in sports. (He does it to himself.)

Our issue is not with LaRussa, who's just a guy who wants to win some games after all. (Is it a manager's job to kick guys off his team for doing steroids? That would seem like the exact opposite of what a manager should do.) It's our general exhaustion with the whole steroid business, which, we suspect, most of you share. Juan Gonzalez did steroids, Paul LoDuca did, Shawne Merriman did ... at the risk of sounding "cynical," how does this affect the price of butter in Egypt again?

The joy of being a sports fan, rather than someone involved in the echo chamber of sports as profession (ahem), is that sports doesn't have to be this big morality play for us. We can all hope that our favorite players are not on steroids, and we can boo those on other teams who are (or at least rumored to be), but we don't have to carry this stupid weight on our shoulders, as if our games have been ruined. This is not our life, this sports; this is something we enjoy to get away from our worldly woes. We didn't grow up worshiping Mickey Mantle; we grew up worshiping Michael Jordan, who probably got kicked out of the NBA for a year for gambling. We have no illusions about our heroes. They are flawed people who probably took some drugs to get ahead because it's really stressful and difficult to be a successful athlete and sometimes you feel like you need some help to stay in the game. It doesn't excuse it. It just makes the whole issue so tangled and so overwhelming that eventually you have to just say, "Aw, fuck it ... just play ball already." Boo, cheer, hiss, whatever: Just win, team, would ya?

This is the healthiest attitude we can imagine a sports fan mustering, and it's why when we boo Tony LaRussa this year, it'll be for starting Aaron Miles, and not for starting Juan Gonzalez. Though we suspect we'll probably end up doing that too.

Cards Reject Portrayal As Lax On Drug Use [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

(Throughout the upcoming baseball season, we'll be doing occasional Cardinals-centric posts that the millions of humans unfortunate enough not to be Cardinals fans won't care about. We'll label them accordingly and try to keep them out of your way. Consider this the first one.)

FBI agents in Washington opened the case a little more than two weeks after both Clemens and McNamee appeared at the same House hearing on Feb. 13, each accusing the other of lying. "The request to open an investigation on the congressional testimony of Roger Clemens has been turned over to the FBI and will receive appropriate investigative action by the Washington Field Office," said FBI spokeswoman Debra Weierman.

Meanwhile, the Astros are distancing themselves. This is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better.

FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]
Congress Decides That It's Time ... For The Comfy Chair! [Deadspin]
Astros Owner Might Reconsider Clemens Deal [MSNBC]

Here's a portion of LaRussa's conversation with Brian Burwell of the St. Louis Post Dispatch on Monday. Question: Did McGwire take steroids?

"Well, that's what you believe and you're probably right according to testimony, but that's not what I believe," La Russa said. "I watched Mark McGwire work."

I interrupted him.

"Wait a minute, Tony. You still don't believe McGwire used performance-enhancing drugs?"

"Absolutely not."

"Come on."

"Absolutely not," he said. "If you see Mark today, he still looks like he did then."

"No, he doesn't," I said.

"Yes, he does," La Russa said.

"No, he doesn't," I repeated.

La Russa tossed his hands in the air and looked at me in frustration. "Are you asking for my opinion or yours?" he said.

"I'm asking your opinion," I said. "But we're having a conversation, and I'm disagreeing with you."

And now here's LaRussa, on his reputation of harboring steroid users:

One way I was taught to survive is my No. 1 accountability factor is myself. This is my 30th year doing this at the major league level. There isn't anybody — the commissioner, our owner, the fans, you — there isn't any person, man or woman, who can make me any more accountable than I am now right now because of myself. And I know there isn't anything we've done in all those years that was — with one small exception where we stole signs, a little hiccup — there isn't anything else that has happened on our ballclubs in Oakland or St. Louis that there's a hint of illegality. There isn't anything that we didn't actively and proactively attempt to do it right."

Now to new business: The Great Scott Spiezio Experiment is over. The Cardinals on Wednesday released the infielder after learning that and arrest warrant had been issued on him by the Irvine Police Department on six charges stemming from a crash in late December.

The warrant alleges driving under the influence, driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of .08 percent or more, hit and run, aggravated assault, assault and battery.

Yikes. However, Paul S. Meyer, Spiezio's lawyer in Irvine, released a brief statement saying, "We anticipate a successful resolution to this misdemeanor matter." OK, then.

This has been your St. Louis Cardinals roundup for today. By tomorrow I expect to be fired, or possibly bludgeoned with a circus mallet. Goodbye.

LaRussa On McGwire, Others In The Mitchell Report [St. Louis Post Dispatch]
Cards Relesae Spiezio After Arrest Warrant Issued [St. Louis Post Dispatch[

In a letter sent Wednesday to Attorney General Michael Mukasey, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chairman Henry Waxman and ranking Republican Tom Davis said Clemens' testimony that he "never used anabolic steroids or human growth hormone warrants further investigation."

Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, who claimed under oath that he injected the pitcher with HGH, is not expected to undergo further investigation.

"We didn't think Roger Clemens was telling the truth," Waxman said. "We feel it's important for (the Justice Department) to take a special look at this (and) see if any laws were violated. It's going to be up to them" whether Clemens will be prosecuted.

So, this is a long way from being over, kids. And despite your protests, you know you want it.

UPDATE: The FBI has officially opened an investigation into Clemens' testimony. Uh oh.

Congress Wants Justice To Investigate Clemens [MSNBC]
Hey Federal Government, Can I Just Burn My Money Instead? [Cousins Of Ron Mexico]
Steroids and the Government — The KB High Horse Rides Again [The KB]
Congress Removes Cushions, Sends Dogs After Clemens [Mind Rite Sports]
FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]

Roger Clemens arrived at the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse on Tuesday and walked straight to a fenced-in bullpen to greet his oldest son, Koby, a catcher in the Astros' system. He snapped at a photographer who started clicking pictures. "This isn't a zoo!'' Clemens barked.

That's a great quote. Of course, Clemens is wrong: Baseball is the ultimate zoo, steroids or no. You watch exotic creatures in an enclosed grotto, and occasionally one gets loose and mauls a spectator.

Clemens refused to respond to any questions concerning steroids or his recent appearance before Congress, and said he has no plans to play this season, but still wants to stay in shape for some reason.

The 45-year-old Clemens also dodged a question about whether he would consider playing again. He said he's still staying in shape, running and lifting weights regularly. He's running in a charity race in Houston on Saturday. ``I don't want to get put in that situation,'' he said. ``At this point, I don't plan on playing. But I've said that for three years. Next thing I know, I'm tying up my cleats for real.''

But a real reason that Clemens is welcomed with open arms at Astros camp? Both he and Astros owner Drayton McLane Jr. are big-time Republicans and GW Bush supporters.

Roger Clemens Arrives At Astros Camp, Says He's Moving Forward [Comcast]

The ad is a reminder that as much as we might get our panties in a bunch about steroids, in the bodybuilding world, that weird sculpting freak planet, a guy like Jose Canseco is a brand name. The more they're hated in the baseball world, the more they're loved there. We fully expect to see Roger Clemens' wife on the cover of one of these magazines in a matter of months.

Jose Canseco Selling HGH [Mop Up Duty]

That's exactly what happened yesterday, though; papers filed by U.S. prosecutors yesterday listed that Barry Bonds has tested positive for steroids in November 2001, which would have been a mere month after the broke the single season home run record. If you're into the whole steroids thing being a big story, well, then that's a big story. Everyone went crazy, and ESPN trotted out Roger Cossack to do that Roger Cossack thing. (Apparently, Roger Cossack is the only guy there who knows how to read government filings.)

And then the news came out, amended: There was a typo. It was supposed to read November 2000, which was news everybody had already. They stuffed Roger Cossack back in his hyperbaric chamber, and everyone went back to their business. But for two hours ... boy! What a story there theoretically was!

Ooops [The Odds And Sods]

As the quite amusing 236.com updates its Dickipedia entry on Clemens, we sit back and wonder why Clemens put himself through all this. He's the one who fought the Mitchell Report charges so vehemently, and those denials are the real reason he was up there yesterday anyway. And yesterday only made him look like more of a liar.

Clemens spoke haltingly, answered evasively, contradicted himself, and whispered with his lawyers when asked to explain these contradictions. Perhaps, like Sammy Sosa in 2005, he would've been better off claiming he didn't speak English.

So where does Clemens go from here? Is there anything he can do? We don't think so; we think this was the final step. What more can the man say about steroids at this point? It's over for him.

This is yet another reason why most baseball players shouldn't talk.

The Rocket Under Fire [Slate]

(UPDATE: Here's a great rundown from The Atlantic Monthly.)

That's not to say we couldn't all take considerable enjoyment out of the whole thing. Yahoo has a compendium of enjoyable one-liners, including the soon-to-be-classic "Those little band-aids for his butt, if it bled."

The real fun to be had, though, is from the political pundit folk, who actually watch C-SPAN all the time. They've gleefully awarded Clemens the Best Testimonial Trainwreck award for 2008. They call out this great pretzel quote, about Andy Pettitte:

"Once again, Mr. Congressman, I think [Pettitte] misremembers the conversation that we had. Andy and I's relationship was close enough to know that if I would have known that he had done HGH, which I now know, if he was knowingly knowing that I had taken HGH, we would have talked about the subject. He'd have come to me to ask me about the effects of it."

So, when's that old-people-on-HGH television show coming out? We're in.

He seems fired up about "the misinformed writings of an ESPN.com journalist," which is odd, since he's referring to a wire story on ESPN.com. But alas. Here we go:

What I will attempt to do now is cut through the mind-numbing, irrelevant fluff the media loves to fill their airtime and articles with and give you the simple facts that I know and believe to be true, as I have lived them and can explain them much better than some pen jockey who has never spoken to me personally and lives 3000 miles away. Here are the facts using the simplest terms with the most convenient definitions:

Rocker is, in fact, quite simple in his explanations, we'll give him that. And he picked a good day to draw all the attention to him on the matters of steroids. Nothing else going on steroid-wise today, nope.

JohnRocker.net

• Rep. Elijah Cummings pretty much accusing Clemens of lying about everything.

• Clemens claiming his wife did HGH (for her SI photo shoot), but not him. Which is nice, and should go over well.

• Brian McNamee looks a lot like Zelig.

• Clemens is very angry. Grrr. Roger smash.

(UPDATE: Nothing will ever beat this:

Congressman: "Mr. Clemens, do you recall bleeding through your pants in 2001?"
Clemens: "I do not."

Well, that's a relief.)

Here's some video, if you want it:

The session is just starting right now, and you can watch it on C-SPAN3, and we find it hilarious that C-SPAN has more compelling programming on its first two channels. Howard Bryant, who certainly knows his steroid writing, has a great tale of the tape preview of the big showdown.

We were going to live blog it, but the notion of having a job that would require us to live blog something off C-SPAN3 scared us off. Sorry.

Congressional Hearing Just As Much About Mitchell As Clemens [ESPN]
Steroid Hearings [CSPAN3]

(By the way, don't forget the testimony drinking game. And Jayson Stark is doing a great live blog.)

Not that we have a major problem with this; it's Roger Clemens, after all. But we're not sure the public good is served by dragging out a big name every few years and making him sweat under the harsh interrogation of Orrin Hatch. Clemens is going to say he's innocent, Brian McNamee is going to say he's guilty and hopefully someone will crush a beer can against their head. Everyone's talking about this as if it's some sort of showdown. It isn't. It's just the only time in your life that you'll watch CSPAN. And then only for a few minutes.

One thing is clear, though: We will, without question, miss Rusty Hardin. He's the yokel Johnnie Cochran, that guy.

Clemens Saga, Past, Present And Future [East Coast Bias]
Getting To Know Rusty Hardin [The Sports Hernia]

Fortunately, Rocker is being the lovable galoot that he is, confessing to steroid use in the third person.

He also said that "Bud Selig is a clown and should do the entire world a favor and kill himself." Rocker, no stranger to controversy, made those comments on Atlanta radio station Rock 100.5.

Later Monday, he told Atlanta sports talk radio station 680 The Fan that "between 40 to 50 percent of baseball players are on steroids" and "in 2000 Bud Selig knew John Rocker was taking the juice."

It's sad, really, to see a guy we very much enjoy reduced to following the irrefutably foolproof career path paved by Jose Canseco. Sheesh, he's even dressing like the guy.

John, call us: We know some people. And by "people," we mean, well, we pretty much just know you. But not Biblically.

John Rocker Was On Steroids. Shocker. [UmpBump]

So do not let us take the news that the Coop Bowl has been tainted by the scourge that is performance enhancers. It is time for moral outrage.

More than 32 people were arrested and more than $4,000 in cash plus about 30 roosters seized Sunday morning in northwest York County in a multijurisdictional raid that officers called "Coop Bowl."

Officers believe they raided the fight during the second or third fight at about 11 a.m. The found one dead rooster and two injured. The roosters had spurs fixed to their talons and had been injected with a stimulant to enhance their aggression, Wells said.

It is time for this poison to be expelled from our national pastime. Let us not forget about the little chickies; what about the chickies?

Mike Lupica is certainly preparing an indignant column as we speak. Unless of course Lisa Olson is working on one, in which case he'll just take it.

York County Cockfight Raid Leads To 32 Arrests [The Rock Hill Herald]

Roger was the older girl who taught Andy how to be popular, and they were totally BFF. Then they both got in trouble for drinking on campus with alcohol that Roger had bought — he always wants to drink more than Andy; Andy is worried about upsetting her parents — and when faced with punishment by her strict, Fundamentalist parents, Andy sells out Roger, who was behind the whole thing in the first place.

The analogy holds even during the "What's Happening To My Body" phrase.

Ward and Emery said they believed that Pettitte, who has acknowledged receiving H.G.H. from McNamee in 2002, will provide the first account of contemporaneous conversations with McNamee about Clemens's use of performance-enhancing drugs in earlier years.

You SLUT! That was our secret!

The Honeymoon Is Over [Metroville]
Discussing Clemens [Baseball Musings]

Anyway, Mr. Hero is apparently being investigated for trying to extort players into investing in his "new film" so he won't mention them in his next book.

José Canseco, the former major league slugger and admitted steroid user who exposed other players in his 2005 best-selling book "Juiced," offered to keep Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez "clear" in his next book if the player invested money in a film project Canseco was promoting, according to a person in baseball with knowledge of the situation.

We have no doubt that his happened with Juiced ... it just turned out that everyone was on drugs anyway! Of course, it's worth noting that this film project would be totally freaking awesome.

Canseco Is Said To Seek Favor To Omit Name [New York Times]
Jose Canseco, Master Thespian [Deadspin]

Esquire has the definitive timeline of Roger Clemens' ridiculous public statements. Prepare to get your bile up. A good example:

1990
"If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn't like me. The days in between, I'm the goodest guy you can find," states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney ("I'm gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter"). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: "Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk." Ah, Roger at his goodest.

Honestly, not since Simmons' epic Clemens Is The AntiChrist column — which ran in freaking 2001, if you don't feel old enough yet — has anything gone into so much detail proving what we already knew: Roger Clemens is a douche of historic proportions.

The Wonderful, Despicable Life Of Roger Clemens [Esquire]

Something showed up on his bottom, and as you can imagine, it wasn't pretty:

Brian McNamee told federal authorities last summer that Roger Clemens developed an abscess on his buttocks about the same time that McNamee said he was giving him steroid injections during the 1998 season, according to a lawyer with knowledge of details of the case.

For McNamee And Clemens, A New Dispute [New York Times]
Controversy Over Clemens's Steroid Use Becomes Pain in the Butt [Steroid Nation]

It turns out Sunday's "60 Minutes" interview was just the beginning of this whole business; Clemens is now recording phone calls, holding press conferences and suing Brian McNamee for all he's worth. We're still not quite sure we believe him, but that's not really the point; it's a bizarre public drama, unfolding for a slightly bored, but still curious, nation to groggily absorb.

The thing Clemens doesn't realize is that it's already over for him. No matter what he does, the majority of fans are going to consider him a steroid user from now on, and that includes people who vote on him for the Hall of Fame. He can yell all he want, but the die is cast. Sorry, man: This is what happens when, you know, do a lot of steroids.

The most enlightening aspect of the whole "case" we've read in recent days is Pat Jordan's remembrance of McNamee and Clemens in a story he wrote for The New York Times Magazine a few years ago.

But the point of my profile of Mr. Clemens was less about his parsimoniousness than it was his strange relationship with Mr. McNamee. During the dinner at the steakhouse Mr. Clemens asked Mr. McNamee for his permission to have a steak (McNamee nodded) and a baked potato (McNamee nodded again, but added a caveat, "Only dry."). The same scenario played itself out at the Mexican Restaurant. Clemens pointed to an item on the menu and Mr. McNamee either nodded, or shook his head, no.

During the three days I followed Mr. Clemens around Houston, he seemed like a child beholden to the whims of the sour, suspicious, and taciturn McNamee. It seemed as if Mr. Clemens would not do anything to his body, or ingest anything into it that Mr. McNamee hadn't approved.

We love the idea of Roger Clemens pointing at food, having his whims rejected, and then stomping his feet and pouting. That would make us sue a guy too.

Friends [Baseball Analysts]
Clemens Vs. McNamee Lawsuit [The Smoking Gun]

Here's the transcript:

When asked by Wallace if McNamee had ever injected him with any drugs, Clemens responds: "Lidocaine and B-12. It's for my joints, and B-12 I still take today."

Clemens calls the accusation "ridiculous" and says he "never" used any banned substances.

"Swear?" asks Wallace.
"[I] swear," says Clemens.

See, now this is how you become a legend in the world of journalism: By asking probing questions like that one. We respect Wallace's ability to resist following up with "pinkie swear?"

Clemens: Trainer Only Injected Legal Drug [CBS News]

McNamee's lawyer says, if Clemens accuses him of lying, he will definitely sue. This, however, could be exactly what Clemens wants.

Best case for Clemens: McNamee, even if he is telling the truth, fails to carry his considerable burden of proof or, even worse, ends up losing his legal team over financial issues and the case just melts away. If that happens, Clemens declares victory, the national media does an about-face, and the Rocket is voted into Cooperstown in his first year of eligibility.

We're not so sure it's gonna be that easy for Clemens, but nevertheless, it'll be fun to see Mike Wallace attempt to stay awake through all his questions. We also like the idea of Wallace saying, "Is it true, Mr. Clemens, that you took shots in the ass?" It's nice to see ancient journalists keeping their dignity.

Clemens' Brinksmanship [ShysterBall]
Clemens's Interview Could Lead To Lawsuit [New York Times]

Our immediate observations, mostly of a hopefully amusing nature:

• He has a few weird facial ticks, and stumbles a lot, which is odd, considering the video is edited and could have been re-filmed.

• Thankfully, he doesn't have the streaks in his hair anymore.

• He's appropriately forceful and unequivocal, we think, and it's worth pointing out, like he does, that the Los Angeles Times story from last year about his appearance in the Jason Grimsley document, the one he vehemently denied, turned out to be false after all. He's denying even more fiercely here.

• Our favorite mental image, by far, is of one of Roger's children attempting to teach him how to use YouTube. WRClemens, "age 45," just joined on Saturday, and this is the only video. We're fairly certain this is the first time Clemens has ever heard of YouTube, and he's probably spent the last 48 hours getting caught up on Peanut Butter Jelly Time, the Star Wars kid and all the other Internet memes of the last five years. It's probably been a fun few days.

Hey, whatever works.

"You know, to be honest, I probably should stay away from it, so I'll have no comment, but to me I don't think it's really an issue. You know, all this stuff that's been going on for the last three years, the probing [of] guys, doing this and that, it's the kind of thing—Ooh, whoa, I'm driving, I almost got hit by a car!"

We have no better joke than Dan Steinberg's: "Upon receiving a follow-up question, Lo Duca did not change the topic by claiming he was in the middle of an asteroid attack."

Paul LoDuca Says Get Over It [DC Sports Bog]

• Die, Baseball, Die. The sport should have been dead for years, and if the Mitchell report surprises anyone, then you, anyone, should be relegated to the salt mines along with people who like Family Guy and those who don't use their turn signals in traffic. OMG, people are suddenly just so much bigger now in like a year! If this shocked anyone after years of stats and norms being established with interminable death-march 162 game seasons...we mean, it would have marked a spurt not just in baseball's evolution, but humanity's. Sammy Sosa should have had Waterworld gills. Mark McGwire should have been telekinetic, and Albert Pujols should have had the ability to levitate (over the border! To Mexico! For illegal steroids!). [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

• Roger Goodell Reacts To The Mitchell Report. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (sighs) (wipes away tears) Oh, God. Oh, God. Can't stop... laughing... Selig... so very dumb... such an amateur... (giggles) (calls Paul Tagliabue) Tags! Tags! Are you watching this?... I know!... That's what I did too!... It's fucking GREAT... Later. (hangs up) Tee hee hee! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• The List. Is it just me, or is Mo Vaughn the only Red Sox player (sans Brendan Donnelly) on the list? Something stinks up there in Beantown, and this time it's not just the Red Sox. [Thurman Munson Should Be In The Hall Of Fame]

• Roger Clemens Got Off Easy. When you line up both Bonds and Clemens, according to the strict letter of the law, neither had ever tested positive for anything at the time these separate instances broke — BALCO and Grimsley's admission. Yet everyone began bashing Bonds incessantly after BALCO, while no one really jumped on Clemens after multiple signs that he too was a user. [100 Percent Injury Rate]

• Fun With The Mitchell Report. A search for Barry Bonds in the pages of the Mitchell report has 91 results. Sammy Sosa has 1. BALCO appears 56 times. Bud Selig and Cocksucker has zero results. Circumstantial does not appear. Carolina Panthers results in zero occurrences. David Eckstein is not named. John Kruk and Donuts has zero results. The word Sex appears 3 times. Buttocks appears 5 times. Ass does not appear. Bud Selig appears 52 times. Correction: Ass appears 52 times. Soccer appears once. Bartolo Colon loves cake does not appear. Zorro does not appear. [Bugs And Cranks]

• Baseball's Mitchell Report A Platter Of Hearsay And Innuendo. The Mitchell Report has served the American public a platter filled with hearsay and innuendo that tarnishes the reputation of dozens of America's finest athletes and the sport they play for our entertainment. As far as we know, none of the players on Mitchell's list ever failed a drug test. Their alleged "crime" was being on someone else's list as a purchaser of performance-enhancing substances. Did they use those substances? Did it affect their performance? We will never know. [Roger Abrams, The Huffington Post]

• The Mitchell Report. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. My head is cloudy. I guess there is good news to be found, if one had to find the silver lining. The good news is that this is finally all out in the open. I also think that there should be another report — we can call it The Milano Report for now, recognizing and celebrating the players of the steroid era that didn't succumb to the pressure of using illegal performance enhancing substances. Please revisit my "Steroid And Botox Era" blog entry for more of my views on this topic. [Touch Em All With Alyssa Milano]

• A Dark Day Ends. I guess I just don't really understand smearing a few players rather than not keeping it more general. Especially if the majority of what you learned came from mostly two sources. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel bad for those named in the report. If they cheated, they should be named, but my feeling is that naming so many prominent players just gives the impression that pretty much everyone was doing it but just didn't happen to use the same supplier. [Athletics Nation]

• Random Thoughts On The Mitchell Report. One question people have been asking me is, "Why does Congress even give a hoot what baseball does?" The answer, objectively, is that major league baseball is a monopoly that gets an exemption from anti-trust law from Congress. That is to say, Congress allows MLB to continue on as a monopoly as long as they're good girls and boys and keep their noses clean. Essentially, this gives them oversight of baseball. Maybe not to the degree that the police have oversight of your driving habits, but definitely to the extent that your parents did when you were sixteen. Sure, it was legal for you to drive...as long as Dad would let you borrow the car. [UmpBump]

How delicious, then, that the pound of flesh belonged to Roger Clemens! Perhaps the most universally loathed baseball player — A-Rod has decades to go to catch up, and one senses his problem is more that he's kind of dopey, rather than a dick like Clemens — has finally gotten the comeuppance many wished upon him. Hating Roger Clemens: It's not just for baseball fans anymore!

As Stark points out, the evidence against Clemens is essentially he said/he said, but, frankly ... WHO CARES? The Mitchell Report was gonna nail someone to the wall and ruin their reputation forever. And it turned out to be Roger Clemens! Bad day for baseball? What? Says who?

Many Legacies Will Be Tarnished Forever [ESPN]