Of course, Stuart Scott took some time away from bass-in-your-facing to meet and greet with some of his fans.

Also, one of Stu Scott's admirers, courtesy of Don Chavez.

Hmm. Wonder if Michelle Beisner was there?

Oh, and also, who's up for pissing the night away with Howie Schwab?

Must have been a good time. Schwab pulled out his sweet Nautica circus peanut-colored polo. He was also so drunk, he thought he was having his picture taken with So Taguchi.

Stuart Scott Is A Man Of The People [Don Chavez]
Stump The Schwab Likes To Party [Don Chavez]

(To make clear, by the way, these photos aren't, in fact, from ESPN: The Weekend. We're told they're even a bit old. That doesn't make them any less enjoyable. And why DOES Mr. Belding show up at all these things?)

Appearances like this give Obama a useful pipeline to white working-class voters. It actually reminds me of a half-cocked theory I've been toying with, which is that younger, edgier sports chatter—most prominently on ESPN, but also on talk-radio stations across the country—seems to be injecting elements of African-American culture into white working-class minds, and in a pretty favorable light. (Who doesn't love Stuart Scott?)

(Emphasis ours.)

As you would probably suspect, the writer (the otherwise awesome Noam Scheiber) watched as commenters gave a collective, "Uh ... we can think of a few people."

Whatever your thoughts about Scott's most famous Deadspin moment, we always found the more indicative Stu Scott moment to be his adminition to fans for booing athletes. We do, to be clear, like everybody, wish Stu all the best in his current health battle. But we're voting on approval ratings here.

So: Do you like the Stuart Scott? Do you not like the Stuart Scott? Lemme know.

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There was a period in my life where I became obsessed with Jim Morrison. I was about 18 at the time, and even though I wasn't a Doors fan, I gravitated toward Morrison because I was an impressionable moron. Mostly, his lyrics. In my ridiculously untapped mind, this guy was handed a megaphone from God. This is something only a dim-witted 18-year-old would think. Because after I started loading up chap-books of my own Morrison-esque rip-offs, I quickly began to realize that, wow, if I keep this up, I am destroying any possibility that I won't grow up to be an asshole.

But for a little while there, I felt a true sense of enlightenment. I grew my hair long. I wore homemade bracelets. I attended coffee house readings and was truly in awe of some of the pretentious cocks standing on stage "riffin'" about life and the pain of being a middle-class college student forced to take a part-time job. Some of them would do traditional rhyme scheme, using stilted merry-go-round metaphors and Tori Amos songs to convey the sense of empowered emptiness they've acquired since the break-up of a long-distance relationship. Other, more serious, kids would get up there, dressed in black, chronically sullen, and pull a napkin out of their back pockets and read their precious dashed-off musings about how life is like a ball of yarn or that the universe is one, big giant beating heart.

Thankfully, Stuart Scott ignored possible social disgrace and forged ahead anyway with his own scat-diddily nonsense during Wednesday night's mind-blowing "Poetry Jam" session. Can't knock him too hard, though — it's obvious he's blessed with more creative gifts than I realized. Hopefully, ESPN will not hold back anymore of their employees from showing off their artsy side during broadcasts. Perhaps John Buccigross can juggle flaming knives, or Neil Everett is an established concert bassoonist. Until ESPN gives them the same creative deference they did to Scott, we'll never know. For now, hopefully, we'll have more of Stu's electric verse. Stu rapping — no, preachin'— about life. Oh, and sports.

So this week, I'm gathering up all the Indians on dawn's highway bleeding, collecting all the ghosts that have crowded a young child's fragile, eggshell mind and placing odds on the next topics for Stu Scott's poetry jam.

Is everybody in? Is Everybody...IN?

(Best Stu Scott voice possibly required for column's full effect.)

"Holla, Torre": 3/1

Oh, old man with the gloomy eyes,
Your plump Italian nose, runny from the weeping,
Your pinstripes are fading, like the brave Navajo.

Cheer up, greasy man, you've got four rings.
And you will not be forgotten, by the Bronx's noisy roar
Suzyn Waldman, soul sister in arms, who charms,
her voice broken, shattered
Like her Jew hymen was so long ago.

(Holla)

Oh, old man with the gloomy eyes.
Should you find peace beyond The Game?
You will, dago brutha.
In your family, your friends, a warm cup of Mazacao tea,
Enjoy the newfound days,
before your bowels break,
like the levees in New Orleans,
And flood your shorts,
not with negroes,
but with the wilting turds of Yankee memories.

Spoken word...

"The Heroic Return of Allan Houston to the Knicks, Part VII": 2/1

Take heed, brother-man, they laughin' at-choo:

Your crumbling knees,
your steeze,
your dirty dungarees.

Look who's back, now?
The player, boy with 'tha shot, who's hot,
Like Trot, but not Nixon, he's Fix'n, for the

Knicks....IN.
Aught. Oh. 7.
Have you ever been to Devin?
The castle, not the Hester,
Your three-ball's the molester,
of a baby, or a goat, or a
lady in a raincoat.

Be warned, in the East,
The A.H. 'bout to feast,
on yer scoreboard your overlord,
yer dirty ol' umbilical cord.

Chickens start Roostin',
Cuz it's the return of Houston.
Allan, you dig?

Spoken word...

"What up, Pats?": 2/1

Oh, little angry man, in the sweatshirt as gray
as mom-mom's groin hair,
Why don't you ever smile?

Your team is bound by nothing,
Just glory, unlike the sinewy slaves
who were shackled by chains and
whipped for stealing old meat from the farmhand's trash.

Yet, your wins don't come fast enough,
your patience, vanished,
Like the summer rainbows
or Catholic innocence
or Tedy Bruschi's vertebrae.

Dynasty Man!
You don't need sneaky Chinese cameras,
or a quarterback's arm,
or the other graceful panthers
on offense.
Remember
they're still just big-donged dummies
controlled by you.

This is your world, now.

Spoken word...

"Serena Williams, Girl, Let Me Swim in Your Skirt": 1/1

Lady, please, your serve so sweet, I'll love you if you
let me stroke your bulbous lumps of dark, dark ham.

Monkey woman, writhe with me,
and I'll clock your spot
with a with an 8-inch crotch rock

Yer pop's is calling,
but don't mind him, cuz
he's got no business
in our love souffle.

Shelf-set sista,
lemme pop that trunk
And spray your back
with my super silky
man meringue

Spoken word...

But SportsbyBrooks is quick to point out that Kenny Chesney also has an album coming out that day, Just Who I Am: Poets And Pirates, so watch your backs, Fifty and Kanye. Bluegrass and Southern rock. Represent.

Kanye West, 50 Cent Showdown On BET [Tampa.com, via SportsbyBrooks]

And then they go out and ruin one of our absolute favorite television events. That's right, kids: At the end of this month, the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee will be hosted by ... Mike and Mike.

"Mike and Mike will bring their unique perspective to the Bee Finals - an immensely popular competition," said Bob Toms, vice president of remote production, ESPN. "Their commentary will help us showcase the personalities of these remarkable young people, and the pressure these spellers face as they compete in front of a national Prime Time television audience."

Oh, and Lemme Know is gonna be there too. We no longer feel any guilt; you guys are destroying our souls.

Spell F-A-I-L-U-R-E, Kid [Deadspin]

Mother's Day will soon have come and gone, but there's still time to relive one of the all-time greatest mother moments in sports history. Carmelo Anthony's mother, overcome with emotion, beaming with pride as her son lives his proudest moment ... and Stuart Scott antagonizing her with a microphone. What's going through her mind, Stu? Something like, "get away from me," I'd wager.

Carmelo Anthony 2003 nba draft [YouTube]

On ESPN Radio's Mike & Mike in the Morning show, guest Stuart Scott discussed the Don Imus controversy. Hosts Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic asked Scott whether it's fair for Imus to be in so much trouble for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos" when rap lyrics frequently use such language.

Scott's response was bizarre, to say the least. He said rappers who use those words "mean it in an affectionate way."

Anyway, we just wanted to make sure that all of Scott's hos — even the ones in different area codes! — we warmed and touched by his classification of their status, nappy-haired or otherwise. So, you know, lemme know.

Stuart Scott Says Calling A Woman A Ho Is "Affectionate" [The Fanhouse]
Daulerio: Stuart Scott Attempts To Jack Himself Up [Deadspin]

In a roundup of odd and confusing photos from the NBA All-Star Game last weekend, Leave The Man Alone found this unfortunately closeup photo of Stuart Scott.

Yes, we know about Scott's damaged eye ... but the damaged eye doesn't seem to be the problem in this photo. You know, if you don't stop scratching, that's never gonna heal.

Fashion Roundup: NBA All-Star Weekend [Leave The Man Alone]

The best thing we overheard all weekend was at the massive ESPN block party Friday. We didn't break out the Whisper 2000, but two guys were talking about Stuart Scott in our general area, and we couldn't help but listen in. Supposedly, Scott (who we didn't see all weekend) was absolutely irate with [Daulerio's] hilarious tale about trying to bed a cheerleader. Though we didn't dive into their conversation, we overheard these two young men saying that Scott really wanted to 'kick that kid's ass' and it didn't seem in jest. Almost like he was hunting for him.

We checked in with Daulerio, but he's not answering his phone: Perhaps Stu already got to him! Other fun Big Lead tidbits: Gregg Doyel was hanging out with Jemele Hill (!!!!!), and two of Sports Illustrated's best writers, Franz Lidz and Jeff MacGregor, have accepted buyouts. Unless Rick Reilly can keep writing columns as outstanding as his was last week every week — rather than once a month or so — we sense trouble over there.

Media Musings From A Party-Filled Super Bowl Weekend [The Big Lead]
Stuart Scott Attempts To Jack Himself Up [Deadspin]

Deadspin "correspondent" AJ Daulerio is filing dispatches from the Super Bowl all week. Last night, he hit the motherlode. This is the final of his three tales from a crazed night.

Bears defensive end Alex Brown looked like he was having the time of his life last night. The former Gator enjoyed well-wishers from both Bears fans and Gator fans alike. He's affable, he smiles a lot, and he was never without a vodka cranberry. The first part of the night, he was hanging with Michael Strahan at the front of the Clevelander. Strahan, even though he's post-divorce, still looks like a guy that's getting the shit kicked out of him by a woman.

Before the Super Bowl, Brown was probably best remembered for his part in the Sugar Brawl. Lt. Winslow, Canes fan ("I FUCKING BLEED ORANGE AND GREEN") remembers it vividly. Lt. Winslow had to get to the bottom of what happened. He advised me, as my attorney, that he wouldn't do anything that would result in a beating by a gigantic black man. The mustache can only protect so many.

After the jump, read Winslow's full transcript with Alex Brown in front of the velvet ropes, as we waited to get into Irvin's Lair about the Sugar Brawl. Oh, and there's some Stuart Scott fun down there too.

Lt. Winslow: Yo Alex can i get a pic?
Alex Brown: Sorry man, no pics.
LW: I understand, I understand. Well then let me ask you this. Off the record ... what really happened that night on Bourbon Street?
AB: What night you talking about?
LW: Come on man. I'm a Cane; you know what night I am talking about.
AB: Ohhhhhh THAT night. Man, what you know about that?
LW: Dude... I fucking bleed orange & green. I mean, i know what I've HEARD happened, but I want to hear it from the source.
AB: What you heard happened?
LW: Well... I heard that my boys started that shit, that Al Blades poured a drink over Reche's(Caldwell's) head and that's how it started.
AB: (laughs) You are 1/2 right.
LW: Thats what I heard. That Al Blades started it.
AB: Yeah, and he was the first motherfucker to get knocked out too.

(The bouncer at The Clevelander calls his roommate and puts roommate on the phone)

AB: (Into phone): Well yeah man, I would be jealous if I was you too. I got to go now — I got to go take care of business with these 3 ho's upstairs.

However, as soon as he went upstairs, said ho's were already talking to Sean Salisbury. (That'll happen!) On the stairwell, we noticed Stuart Scott leaning up against the railing, talking on his cell phone. The conversation overheard was about "getting together later on" and he was obviously disappointed that someone wasn't meeting up with him. But who?

Later, inside, as I approached Stuart Scott to get a picture taken with him ("No thanks, dude" is what he said), I leaned over his shoulder and caught him text messaging and the name of the person he was sending the message to:

"Lemme know."

Now, obviously, "Lemme know" is pretty non-descript. But at 12: 30 a.m., in Miami, well, it means "Are you coming out tonight to fuck me or what?" Especially given who Scott was texting (I literally read the name right off his phone):

Her name is Michelle Beisner, former Denver Broncos cheerleader and aspiring D-list Hollywood actress-type. Blonde. White Woman. Hey, nobody likes to start rumors about Stuart Fucking Scott, but if Michelle Beisner is his booty call, well, BooYa, my friend. Boo Fucking Ya.

Anyway, they've put together a song called "F U Stuart Scott," about everyone's favorite "Hey, fans, don't boo!" anchor Stuart Scott.

It's what the kids call a "diss" song, though it makes us wonder if these kids could maybe use some milk and a nap. Honestly, if your song ripping on Stuart Scott causes us to say, "Jeez, Stuart Scott should be above this," it might be time to pick up those GRE study guides again. Just a thought.

By the way, if you ask us, Scott's worst crime is ruining the enjoyment we once got every time we flipped over the pillow and realize it was, in fact, cool. This small life pleasure has been irreversibly spoiled by Stuart.

The song, if you dare, is below. We did what we could to warn.

powered by ODEO

So here's the strangest thing we've seen in a while (or at least since yesterday): Someone on eBay is selling an 11-inch-by-14-inch framed matted photo of Stuart Scott pouting on a tricycle.

Somehow, this had no bids of yet and, in fact, the auction ends in about seven hours. So we bid on it, because we really need to figure out what the heck this is. Is he wearing goggles? And a floaty? Did he just leave Blaine's tank or something? Help!

STUART SCOTT ESPN POUTING 11x14 MATTED PHOTO [eBay]

If you're the type of person who tunes in half because you think it's a part of the national conversation and half because there was a chance David Blaine would die a violent death on national television and you didn't want to miss it, you might have noticed that the host of Blaine's "look at me, I've got PRUNE hands!" self-aggrandizing special last night was none other than ... ESPN "SportsCenter" anchor Stuart Scott. He's apparently ABC/ESPN's go-to guy for coverage of live pseudo-events.

Scott was basically there to introduce remote, pre-taped Blaine segments, interview Blaine's "doctors and handlers" and, mostly, look concerned and speak in grave, "this is a man's LIFE!" tones. The event was vapid, pointless and ultimately a total failure; Scott was clearly the man for the job.

After Blaine fell short, Scott, off-camera, narrated the proceedings with his typical gravitas.

"While Blaine did not achieve what he had set out to do, people watched him."

To quote Opinionated Facts, which chronicled the whole proceedings, "The next time something bad happens to you in life, just think about what Lil' Stuey would say. If you fail a test, tell your parents that you may have failed but at least your teacher graded it. If you rob a bank and get caught, tell the police that you may have broken the law but at least other people have money."

What did we think of the whole thing? We think that if there is a more perfect job for Stuart Scott than being the host of a David Blaine special, we don't know what it is.

"I'm A National Failure [Opinionated Facts]
They're Not Booing. They're Yelling "Stuuuuu!!" [Deadspin]
David Blaine Is An Astronaut [YouTube] (VIDEO)

Solomon also chides Scott for being too "chummy" with athletes. In case you're not sure what he's talking about, we remind you of Scott's comments while hosting the ESPN New Years Eve "extravaganza" in December:

"When you go to the sporting events and you're watching the athletes compete as hard as they can, stop booing, OK? There's no point in booing these athletes. They've all worked hard. They've all trained hard, and let's see you get out there and do it, all right?

"If you want to go and have fun and cheer your team, do that, but if your team, if your guy, if your girl doesn't do anything, c'mon, man, don't boo them."

And in that, you know why there's no live studio audience for "SportsCenter."

Bonds Show Light On Answers [ESPN]
They're Not Booing. They're Yelling Stuuuuuu ... [Deadspin]

But this has been as exciting a tournament as we can remember, pretty much every round, every day, every timeslot, every game. But both GMU-Florida and LSU-UCLA were bland, depressing blowouts, difficult to watch after halftime. That we would have come so far for so little seemed wrong, incongruous, some sort of cosmic cheat. That the ratings — insert usual "Neilsen ratings are pointless and outdated" disclaimer here — for the Patriots-Gators game were down eight percent from last year's Illinois-Louisville game somehow dented the story more; maybe people weren't as caught up in this as we thought.

But at least we had a Sunday evening baseball game. Baseball! That will cheer us! Oh. A three-hour rain delay. Nevermind. At least we'll catch the score on SportsCenter in the morning. What? Is that Stuart Scott doing another poetry slam? Aw ...

It's a difficult morning to be in love with sports. We'll do our best to snap out of it by lunchtime.

Cinderella Mauled By Gator [Deadspin]

We've heard that even the magazine's staffers recognize how horrible the mugshots are; they're going to be gone from the next issue. We suggest they just use an Etch-a-Sketch this time.

Poll results are below.

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Poll: Scariest ESPN Mag Mugshots [Deadspin]

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Fortunately, Neil Best at Newsday was watching, and apparently Stu had some choice words for fans who might deign to occassionally be disappointed in their athletes. With one minute left in 2005, Stu took us home.

"When you go to the sporting events and you're watching the athletes compete as hard as they can, stop booing, OK? There's no point in booing these athletes. They've all worked hard. They've all trained hard, and let's see you get out there and do it, all right?

"If you want to go and have fun and cheer your team, do that, but if your team, if your guy, if your girl doesn't do anything, c'mon, man, don't boo them."

This is totally true. Stop booing, you jerk fans. Stuart Scott, man, he's been there. Let's see you get out there and do it.

Boo? Not Stu! [Newsday] (second item, via BenMaller.com)

We've always though of Scott as more the Carson Daly of sports than its Dick Clark, but, other than that, it pretty much makes sense. ESPN will join ESPN2 for the telecast after the Giants-Raiders game it's airing finishes, and it will feature "musical acts" like The New York Dolls and The Chesterfield Kings, mainly because the guys from 3rd Bass were busy. (In jail, probably, the punks.)

All right, we're gonna just go out and say it: If you watch this, you have a problem.

ESPN To Ring In New Year [Broadcasting & Cable]

Dear Josh,

I like this website because it s a website. It goes out day after day and just does the things that web sites do. When it s online, it s online. It s probably one of the best websites in the National Football League. The way you just grind out columns week after week, going hat on hat with some of the big issues shows how you can just flat out execute. Keep up the good work.

-Mark Schlereth

Other cards from Stephen A. Smith, Stuart Scott, Sean Salisbury and even Steve Phillips. We're still waiting for ours to arrive.

Holiday Wishes From ESPN [Joe Sports Fan]

Afternoon: Irvin appears on Dan Patrick's radio show and reiterates his story that the pipe was accidentally left in the car. He adds the wrinkle that his wife was with him. Patrick even pushes him to take a drug test, but Irvin apparently didn't, uh, hear the question. The best part is when Keith Olbermann — still hanging around ESPN offices, tapping Scott Van Pelt on the shoulder and saying things like, "You know I made you, right? Right? Do you? Because I could really use some reassurance right now. I'm an important man. Hi. Do you like this tie? Because I can change it if you want me to." — talked about how Irvin cost a producer a job back at Fox Sports Net, during the end of the Olbermann's time, when the producer cast doubts on Irvin's ability to stay clean. The producer was canned ... then Irvin got busted for possession. Olbermann: "If he's innocent, he should take a drug test now instead of waiting until it's safe to do so."

Early evening: The Smoking Gun reveals that Irvin's "friend" the pipe "belonged" to was his brother. (Or so Irvin tells the police.) Later, The Dallas Morning News will steal this info without crediting TSG, which the Associated Press will then credit the Dallas paper for finding. Print journalists are such dopes sometimes.

Evening: Irvin makes his long-awaited appearance with Stuart Scott on "SportsCenter." Irvin brings up that he found the pipe from his "friend" while "pretending to hug him while actually patting him down." (We imagine this happening a lot around the Irvin household.) Scott puts on his best Barbara Walters face, and Irvin comes across as sympathetic, downtrodden and entirely full of cowpie.

No answer was given to the perfectly legitimate question a reader asked in the comments yesterday: "The incident happened Friday. So, did Irvin neglect to mention it until he had to own up because someone else found out and told ESPN? Did he mention it immediately and ESPN buried it till Sunday afternoon, after NFL Countdown had aired? If he didn't mention it and ESPN found out thru other channels, shouldn't that be deemed fireable in itself? And if he did tell ESPN on Saturday when he arrived in Bristol, aren't they incredibly negligent in allowing him on the air without saying anything?"

Good questions all. Stay tuned.

Michael Irvin s Side Of The Story [The Best Sports Blog]
Michael Irvin Pipes A Quote [The Smoking Gun]
Irvin Addresses Arrest [ESPN]

And then everything went white.

Blinding, all-encompassing white. We walked toward that white, through that white, and with that, we were cleansed.

I Think Stuart Scott Is Doing A Poetry Slam On SportsCenter [The Mighty MJD]

(Screenshots, anyone?)

The story looks at the "controversy" surrounding the seeping of ESPN "boo-yah" lexicon into mainstream sportswriting, working for a study of which we were most skeptical. The Argus story is worthwhile for one reason: Smith, in town for Homecoming (of course), addresses the issue.

"I don't think it's because of people like (ESPN's) Stuart Scott or myself," Smith said. "You have to realize what a Stuart Scott does; he is an anchor who is given highlights. He's not out there being a reporter like I am."

Because Stephen A. is anything, anymore, if not a reporter. He's got the "indiscriminate screaming" beat down cold.

Stephen A. Smith Speaks Out About Controversy [News-Argus]
Study: ESPN Is Rotting Your Brain [Deadspin]

According to a grad student at the University of Missouri — a grad student who's about to have his name in The New York Times for the first and only time — ESPN has changed the sports jargon of sportswriting. More and more sportswriters are slipping in ESPN-esque catchphrases into their writing, particularly younger "reporters." The NYT story also goes on to point out how many sports reporters are using their newspaper jobs simply as springboards to on-screen careers for ESPN, but the Times is totally wrong. Except for William Rhoden. And Buster Olney. Hypothetically speaking.

ESPN Sports-Speak Is Increasingly Also Becoming Sports-Write [NYT]

ESPN SportsNation [ESPN]

But what of ESPN's culture? Will the programming continue to skew toward VH-1's? Will there be more "reality" shows — a strange notion for a television station based around live events with no predetermined outcome — like the upcoming Bob Knight walk-on show be the new linchpin? Will the building-up of ESPN2-exclusive programming continue? Will someone please do something about Mario Lopez?

The future of those known to have Shapiro-favored status is also in question, including Skip Bayless, Stuart Scott and, most notoriously, Stephen A. Smith. How long can money be spent on a show with lower ratings than informercials? ESPN will remain the major force on the sports landscape, thanks in very large part to Shapiro's leadership, but there's still a mindset that, in leaving to work for Daniel Snyder (of all people), Shapiro is bolting just in time. After all, the only way to go, at this point, is down.

The Doc Is Not In [NY Post] (second item)

MISSES

• "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith". Whatever your thoughts on Stephen A. — though we suspect we know which direction most of you lean — this whole enterprise has been an unmitigated disaster. Launched with unprecedented fanfare (they were running ads for this on Salon), the show is a ratings black hole, Smith clearly struggles with sports that aren't the NBA and the show's awkward transitions are proof he desperately needs a Greg Anthony-type to play off. Scariest part about this: He has a four-year contract for the show, an albatross if there ever were one.
• Everything PTI Hath Wrought. Once the formula was established by Kornheiser and Wilbon, Shapiro and company proceeded to run it into the ground, turning every bit of "original programming" into something from VH-1's "Best Week Ever." The worst is "Around the Horn," which encourages former journalists to make idiots out of themselves. More on this in a bit.
• "ESPN Hollywood" and "Teammates." The former is the television equivalent of Page 3, and it's pretty clear how that has turned out. "Teammates" more often looks like it belongs on Logo than on ESPN.
• All The Futzing With "Baseball Tonight." Once, "Baseball Tonight" was the end-all-be-all for baseball fans, a place where Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark and Harold Reynolds broke down the games' details with wit and precision. Now John Kruk and Larry Bowa compare wads of chewing tobacco.
• Skip Bayless. We suspect even Skip is confused by Shapiro's dogged loyalty.
• The General Degrading Of The Profession Of Sports Journalism. Writers whose work readers and fans had admired for years were put on television and instructed to act like chimps. Credits were given for confrontation and volume of one's voice rather than reporting skills or even grasp of the issues. To stay on the air and earn their nice TV paychecks, longtime sportswriters were forced to keep upping the ante just to make sure the golden goose stayed alive. The logical outcome of this was realized yesterday on "Cold Pizza" — another Shapiro misstep — when Woody Paige ate dogfood live on the air.

(Later: The close of our series, a look at the future without Shapiro.)

Anyway, now that that's done, our intrepid blogger is continuing to tilt at the proverbial windmill: He's set up a bracket for the most loathsome non-ESPN sports personalities. Currently, Steve "Psycho" Lyons is hammering Craig Sager; earlier, Tim McCarver — an early favorite — drilled hapless Dan Marino. Go vote!

The Road From Bristol (NIT Version) [BravesBeat]
The Road From Bristol (Final ESPN Bracket) [Braves Beat] (PDF)

You can do a lot with $25,000. You can provide food for starving Africans before Sally Struthers eats them first. You can buy 1,518 copies of Bill Simmons new book (not counting shipping, which is probably a bitch). You can even join 2,500,000 of those record clubs where you get 11 CDs for a penny.

You can also hire ESPN anchor Stuart Scott to come speak at your corporate function. The site HireSportsSpeakers.com allows you to bring your favorite ESPN personalities to come talk to you and your fellow corporate drones about leadership, teamwork or, you know, just how to read off a Teleprompter. The site serves as a broker between corporations and sports personalities, negotiating their fees and putting together their schedules.

One would think that paying Stuart Scott $25,000 plus "travel is almost always on top of the fees, usually something like first class for two, ground transportation and hotel" to do anything other than promise never to use the terms "pillow," "cool," "boo" or "yah" again would be somewhat excessive. But Scott isn t even the most expensive anchor on his own network. In fact, he s not even close.

Full list of top ESPN anchors/sports personalities and their speakers fees after the jump. Start saving those pennies for Tom Tolbert now!

The appearance fees for major "sports personalities."

$15,000 and below
Mitch Gaylord - $10,000
Greg Gumbel - $15,000
Ron Jaworski - $10,000
Tony Kornheiser - $15,000
Tom Tolbert - $15,000

For a guy who has a sitcom based on his life — albeit a pretty unwatchable one — we think that's a pretty good price. Well, relatively speaking. By the way ... Mitch Gaylord! Still alive, we guess. Good for him.

$20,000-$30,000
James Brown - $30,000
Rich Eisen - $25,000
Roy Firestone - $22,000
Marion Jones - $20,000
Jim Nantz - $25,000
Dan Patrick - $30,000
Rick Reilly - $25,000
Stuart Scott — $25,000

We don't know how much Dan Patrick made for his Hair Care For Men ads, or, for that matter, how much Rick Reilly got for encouraging his readers to become drunken idiots, but it couldn't have been too far from this amount. By the way, Reilly's amount is probably around the starting salary for entry-level print journalists in this country, if you were wondering what that collective "pounding-head-against-desk" sound was.

$40,000-$50,000
Mitch Albom - $40,000
Chris Berman - $50,000
Jim Rome - $40,000

You know, we wonder if Mitch Albom actually has to be there giving the speech to collect his cash, or if he can just say he was there.

$50,000 and above
Bob Costas - $60,500
Al Michaels - $75,000

For an extra 10 grand, Bob Costas will promise not to lecture you about your lack of class and decorum. Don't worry, though; he brings his own stepstool for the podium.

Just For Fun
Leslie Nielsen - $70,000

Enrico! Pallazzo! Enrico! Pallazzo!

HireSportsSpeakers.com [Official Site]

The final two? You can probably guess. Stuart Scott vs. Skip Bayless. Bayless just hung on to defeat Stephen A. Smith in the Final Four, while Scott cruised past "Around the Horn"'s Tony Reali. We'd do a handicapping post on this, but, honestly, in a contest like this, everyone's a winner.

This One's For All The Marbles [Braves Beat]

· Drinking syrup of ipecac.
· Watching any baseball movie with Tom Selleck.
· Being blatantly hit on by ... deep breath ... ESPN anchor Stuart Scott.

Can you imagine? Stuart Scott giving you googly-eyes? Right now, we are fairly certain our loins have shriveled to a point that they shall heretofore be rendered unusable.

Scott Takes Low Road [NY Post]