Meghan:

So people seem to be pretty split on Maryland fans calling Duke players at their hotel room to harass them. Some people seem to think since in theory anything that harasses a Duke player/fan/coach/student is a good thing seem to support it. Others seem to think it was a poorly executed prank because not every harassing phone call was funny and many seemed about the level of a 12 year old. I'd like to remind everyone that we're talking about a bunch of college students. I'm guessing mostly guys, so a 12 year old's sense of humor is not that far off. A lot of the students were busy making their best Scheyerfaces and I assume drinking since that's what college kids do.

I'm generally a fan of sophomoric, obnoxious humor, so I appreciated the Maryland v. Duke pranks. It was more about harassment anyway. But for all those Terp haters out there I thought I'd share a harmless prank from a couple years ago at Maryland. Some idiot drove a truck through one of the curved walls that stand where you enter main campus. Apparently since the brick walls are curved, it's expensive to fix, so the university hangs a banner over the gaping hole for a while with a picture of our beloved Testudo breaking through the wall. However, some students decide this broken wall could be put to better use. So one night they go out, steal the banner and erect something much better in its place:

Whatever, I think it's funny.

— Meghan no longer approves of pranks, harmless or not, since applying for the Bar. She blogs at Girls Don't Know Sports.

—-—-—-

Absence Of Alice:

It's hard out there for a Cardinals' fan, but I had finally managed to block out the pain and soothe the crying of my inner child following the tragic events of Feb. 1, 2009. My co-workers, however, do not seem interested in my continuing mental health. Imagine my horror when I arrived at work last Monday to find this: My beloved Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em toy robots, arranged in a manner unbefitting the Super Bowl mission statement, or even common decency. In case you're wondering, yes, both originally were red. And rest assured that I will not rest until I find out who did this. You have ripped open a wound and poked it with a stick, cruel anonymous workmate. Happy now? Happy now?

Unlike the game itself, it doesn't look like Cardinals robot put up much of a fight. As for the little diorama below, I don't know what the hell is going on there, except that my Blockhead Gumby — another toy that I keep on my desk — is somehow involved in attempting to tackle Jesus. You've got to wrap, Blockhead Gumby!

You've got to hand it to Him, our Lord and Savior knows how to move the chains.

— Absence of Alice works in the health care profession, is still a Cardinals fan, and asks if you would please stay away from her desk.

—-—-—-

Cameron Frye:

The only prank I was ever a part of was during my senior year of college. We wanted to give our school's exiting VP, with whom we constantly butted heads (and who had the personality of stomach cancer), a proper goodbye. Now I went to a small all-women's college that goes by the nickname Pine Mattress, and the campus was in the middle of a posh residential area. The local police department was quite familiar with us and were called all the time for noise complaints by our nouveau riche neighbors.

So after throwing some ideas around, one of the maintenance guys (who was dating a girl in my dorm) informed us one of our security guards (male) stripped on the side for cash. Gave him a ring and booked one of his friends to show up at a party we were attending the next day. Oh did I mention the party was the annual Faculty & Staff cocktail party they threw for the seniors the night before graduation?

The snooze-fest started and the entertainment arrived an hour later. We snuck his Krush Groove boom box in and waited for his cue. He entered the room and oddly enough, he looked official. He confronted her, saying there was a noise complaint, and just acted like a complete dick to her — we watched her trying to stay calm and then watched him handcuff her to a chair. The look on her face when she figured out what was going on was worth the amount I spent on tuition that year. There's something about watching a woman dying from embarrassment and trying to rip off the arm of a chair so she can get loose and away from the cock that's rubbing against her cheek, that'll always make me laugh. The professors thought it was hysterical and gave the handful of us who planned it pats on the back. The next day at commencement she didn't look at any of us when she handed us our diplomas, which could explain why my name on it is spelled wrong.

— Cameron Frye never dated any of the faculty or staff during college, since she's against sleeping with the help. She can be found on https://twitter.com/cameronfrye.

—-—-—-

Nikki:

I've been pranked before. And I'm still a little ticked about it.

Apparently not everyone in my office (located smack in the heart of Mets territory) takes kindly to the fact that there's a Phillies fan working among them. Especially when said Phillies fan decorates her desk with all sorts of Phillies paraphernalia: newspaper clippings of articles from last year's postseason, photos of me meeting some of my favorite ballplayers (I get entirely too giddy whenever people point to the picture of Cole Hamels and me and ask if he's my boyfriend), and a variety of Phillies pennants. My cube is a red-and-white version of heaven … for me, at least. To the Mets fans, they probably think they've reached baseball hell every time they walk by my desk.

Amazingly, the Phillies stuff in my cube was left alone throughout the 2008 playoffs. The Mets fans were probably too busy running home to sit in front of their TVs, hoping that they'd get to see the Dodgers and then the Rays kick the crap outta my Phillies; after that didn't happen, they were probably too busy drowning their sorrows in booze to notice that my cube was becoming increasingly Phillie-fied.

Once they sobered up, though, they noticed. Right around Christmastime, I came into work one morning to find my Phillie-fied cube with a hole in the wall. No, not an actual hole-but a hole in the decorations. Something was missing. Something like my Cole Hamels pennant. Somebody STOLE my fucking Hamels pennant.

And it was clearly some bitter, angry Mets fan who did it. Who else would want to swipe my pennant? There are no other Phillies fans in my building. Nobody would want it to hang on their own wall. They might want it for their dartboard, though. Or to light on fire in an angry, bitter, my-shitty-Mets-choke-every-goddamn-season-lately sort of rage.

I've since taken all my other Phillies pennants down from my cube walls and hung them at home (where they're safe) and gotten myself a replacement Hamels pennant. And I'm trying to not be too bitter about it. Because yeah, I got pranked — but hopefully, the only joke that really matters will be on the Mets and their fans at the end of this season when, for the third year in a row, they'll be reciting the tired old words "There's always next year…"

— When NIKKI isn't making smartass comments about the Mets, she's busy writing snarky stuff over at Red Pen Inc.

Kevin Pang of the Chicago Tribune, whose previous claim to fame is that he once ate penis with Bill Plascke, hit five area Denny's over the eight-hour span on Tuesday, consuming five Grand Slams.

Grand Slam No. 4 Melrose Park, 7:41 a.m. I fight with a fat woman over a parking space, who glares icy daggers and eventually wins. Inside the restaurant, there is a 14-minute wait (an outrage, considering my need for instant gratification).

I am running out of creative egg preparations, so I go with no-cholesterol, substitute Egg Beaters. I will not make that mistake the next time. It is the Alpo of eggs. It is flavorless and evil. Worse yet, my sausage links have shriveled into dried lumps of brown matter.

Why Kevin's report failed: He apparently did not clean his plate with all of the meals. What kind of investigative journalism is that? Takeru Kobayashi hangs his head in shame.

In all, Denny's handed out $12 million worth of free meals.

They came by car, bus, light rail and on foot and cheerfully waited in line, sometimes for more than an hour, for the chain's signature breakfast of two eggs, two strips of bacon, two sausage links and two pancakes.

Word spread like wildfire Tuesday to people who missed the 30-second spot during the third quarter of Sunday's Super Bowl. Denny's and Grand Slam were the most-used words Feb. 3 on the Twitter social-networking site. The dennys.com Web site got so many hits in the morning that it was down sporadically in Dallas, Seattle and Los Angeles.

The top Super Bowl ad, however, according to Nielsen IAG, was the Budweiser fetching Clydesdale.

Getting Slammed [Chicago Tribune]
Denny's Free-Meal Offer Draws Crowd [Arizona Republic]

Pete Dougherty of the Albany Times Union and Ted Cox of the Chicago Daily Herald both took the opportunity in print to slam Flanagan's use of an F. Scott Fitzgerald line, used during one of her sideline reports on Sunday. The quote, "There are no second acts in American lives," was used in a pregame piece about the resurgence of Kurt Warner. Said Dougherty: "Ugh ... we're watching a football game, not dissecting American history."

No, that would be American Literature, Petey. And would you prefer the wit and wisdom of Michael Irvin or Emmitt Smith? This is why newspapers are dying, boys; you're pandering to people who aren't smart enough to read.

No, if you must criticize Flanagan, criticize her for being unoriginal. Everybody uses that Fitzgerald quote ... even Mike Tyson.

From the Tim Rich's March 16, 2008 U.K. Guardian profile on David Beckham:

"After taking a Beckham-sized salary to decamp to Los Angeles to recreate the glories of The Great Gatsby and Tender is the Night for Hollywood, F Scott Fitzgerald remarked sadly that “there are no second acts in American lives”. Fitzgerald conclusively proved his point by drinking himself to death while producing unusable scripts that had no chance of ending up as a film."

Esquire, Sept. 1, 1999:

F. Scott Fitzgerald, a famous author Mike Tyson enjoys quoting, once wrote, "There are no second acts in American lives." But Tyson, a tormented soul at 32, proved Fitzgerald wrong Saturday night ...

And ...

F. Scott Fitzgerald may have written, "There are no second acts in American lives," but Michael Jordan went about proving him wrong.

From the March 16, 2008 Portland Oregonian:

And here’s the Seattle Times’ take on the spectacular fall of New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. If you think Spitzer’s career is all washed up, think again. Bottom line: F. Scott Fitzgerald may have been all wrong when he famously said, “There are no second acts in American lives. Says one American history prof, “In fact, F. Scott Fitzgerald was wrong. It happens all the time.

The same day, in the Augusta Chronicle:

F. Scott Fitzgerald is famous for saying “There are no second acts in American lives,” implying that you get one chance to get it right." Of course, that’s not true. There are second chances all around us."

Besides, the line — from notes for an unfinished novel, no less — doesn't even mean what people think it means. From Mad In Pursuit Journal.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "There are no second acts in American lives." This is one of his most repeated quotes. It's always used to open an article about someone making a new start in life or rising from the ashes of failure to achieve success. "F. Scott Fitzgerald got it wrong when he said ...". Come on, people. Fitzgerald was too close an observer of American life not to know that people reinventing themselves is fundamental. He did a turn in Hollywood writing screenplays, didn't he? Don't you think he knew the function of Second Acts?

So, time to retire this quote, in sports reporting and otherwise. Not because it's too high-brow, but because, like a Brett Favre retirement press conference, it's been done, and it's meaning has been misinterpreted to begin with.

Olberman Blasts Reporters Who Blasted Alex Flanagan [Awful Announcing]

As Polamalu's float paused along the parade route, he once again took the opportunity to leap into the pack of crazed Steeler fans for a little bit of celebratory crowd-surfing. Just as he did during the XL victory parade. His Samoan fearlessness is laudable.

Troy Polamalu Goes Crowd Surfing [Fanhouse]

Fact: Santonio Holmes made more than $2 million this season. Fact: The federal government just bailed out General Motors to the tune of $9.4 billion. So, why is GM giving Holmes an $85,000 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid Platinum, which has been, in effect, purchased by the taxpayers?

From the New York Daily News:

Breaking from recent tradition, there was no Cadillac on the field Sunday night during the Super Bowl awards ceremony and no Cadillac in the hotel ballroom Monday for the MVP news conference. Usually the MVP marks off on a board which car he wants. There was no board, either. It was all done in private.

There was no mention of Cadillac or of Holmes winning the car at the news conference. It was at the request of Cadillac, commissioner Roger Goodell told the Daily News Monday. When asked if Cadillac asked not to be mentioned, he said, "Yes."

Of course there's also a good chance that Santonio's new Cadillac was assembled by some of the 22,000 GM hourly workers who were just offered buyouts; with inevitable layoffs soon to follow.

Cadillac realizes how screwed up this is; it wasn't even at the Super Bowl. Their reasoning for going ahead with the car prize, it seems, is that they consider the federal money a loan, and not a bailout. Of course there's no telling what could happen with the economy in the immediate future; GM could end up being a chain of Chinese restaurants. But Holmes will still have the goddamned car that we paid for.

Why didn't GM opt out of its contract with the NFL?

"Given the current business environment, it was much more appropriate we not do that," Cadillac spokeswoman Joanne Krell said in a phone interview. "We made the decision not to actively participate in the Super Bowl. We congratulate the MVP, it is a great achievement. We are very sensitive to the federal assistance loan we have received and we want to carry on our fiduciary responsibility. The Super Bowl was not a place for us to be this year. That is not to say it's not a great platform."

So here's the deal, Holmes: I get the Cadillac on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can have Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Friday is first-come-first-serve, and Utah gets it on Sunday for church.

Cadillac Opts To Keep MVP Prize Quiet [New York Daily News]

Here's the crazy thing—it seems that the people of Pittsburgh are actually kind of proud of this. It was originally written back in 1995 by Roger Wood, a man that for reasons that escape me, is some sort of hero to self-publishing musicians in the Western PA basin. He updates the lyrics every now and then to reflect the changing roster, but the one thing that doesn't change is the greasy funk he's laying down and (unless this is part of some elaborate joke) the Steeler Nation loves to sing along.

Thankfully, I've never heard it before now, because I can't that catchy hook out of my brain pan. Don't get me wrong—I love a horribly amateur team song as much as the next guy. (I think I've still got my cassette copy of "Tiger Spirit" around here somewhere. And the Lions fight song? Whoooo boy... ) But the level of song writing on display here is truly remarkable. How many fight songs do you know of that contain verses about settling for a field goal?

Steeler Song Downloads [Steelers Fever]
'Here We Go' — Steelers catchy fight song is in need of changes [Post-Gazette, background circa 2006]

It was pretty surreal watching this game with Will last night. He had all but conceded the game at half-time after Harrison's wacky interception return. "It kind of feels like that's it," he said, like a losing candidate who just saw the early returns on election night. But then Fitzgerald scored. Then he scored again. Then he had no idea what to do with himself as he was once again hopeful that his dopey team was seemingly on the brink of winning the Super Bowl. Then...Santonio Holmes tip-toed all over his Buzzsaw-loving heart.

Anyway, congrats to Will, again, for the Buzzsaw and for showing everyone in the world what it means to be a fan. Again.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Last week we brought you the story of the site Holy Taco, and how they constructed the greatest stadium made of delicious snack foods ever built (above right). But it didn't take long for other sites to break ground on competing snack stadiums, like the Marc And E Memorial Stadium (above left). Notice the impressive use of dark chocolate-and-icing scoreboards, and hard-roll tunnels, one of which features a tiny Larry Fitzgerald emerging to run onto the field.

Another stadium soon followed. Now there are least three, and you can vote for the best one. From Marc's GChat:

So, inspired by a post on Holy Taco last week, I roped in my roommate E and Jordan got our friend David to participate and yesterday we had the first annual Super Bowl Snack Food Stadium Build Off.

Here are the rules:

1) The only non-edible items allowed were a tin for dips (for the field), and tooth picks (for construction purposes).
2) Teams cannot use more than $100 for all of their supplies.
3) 11 players per side had to be on or around the field.
4) Stadiums had to be finished by kick off.

So without further adieu, here are the stadiums. Take a look, and vote for your favorite in the poll on the side bar.

Grand and impressive, to be sure. But to paraphrase Dr. Malcolm in Jurassic Park, "Mankind was so preoccupied with whether they could build the greatest snack food stadium ever, that they didn't stop to consider if they should."

Update: Mile High Hebrew Stadium at Mordecai Field [Flickr]

Super Bowl Snack Food Stadium Build-Off [Marc's GChat]

As you can see, there is a startling similarity to Warner's fumble and the Brady tuck. Even if Warner's arm wasn't moving forward, or if the ball was "jostled" prior to his release, the play appears to be such an obvious under-the-hood scenario. If the call was overturned, with the penalty yardage tacked on, the Cardinals would have had the ball at the 29-yard line. And with FitzBreastoldin, it would have given them a pretty decent shot at the end zone. Better than most teams.

We all know that never happened. The refs are convinced they made the right call, according to NFL VP of officiating Mike Pereira.:

"The replay assistant in the replay booth saw it was clearly a fumble.The ball got knocked loose and was rolling in his hand before it started forward. He has to have total control."

Kurt Warner says his arm was moving forward. Ken Whisenhunt saw the same thing. Every one of NBC's 40 Super Bowl analysts thought it needed a second look. Not to be.

On to the strident opinions :

•" A replay review wasn’t even necessary. It was obvious even at full speed that his arm was going forward. I hate to be the “NO ONE CAN DISPUTE THIS!” guy, but honestly, no one can dispute this. It was an incomplete pass. The Cardinals got cheated out of a final Hail Mary attempt, which would’ve come from around the 30 yardline when you factor in the 15-yard penalty the Steelers incurred on the play. So really, not a Hail Mary at all at the point. Sure, it’s still highly unlikely Arizona converts for the TD, but when you consider Larry Fitzgerald’s leap-and-catch ability, and the shortened field, it certainly looks like more of a real possibility than merely a prayer." [The Sporting Blog]

• "Even if the officials had deemed it clear that the ball had been jostled loose in Warner’s hand before his arm started moving forward — which wasn’t obvious — isn’t it possible that Warner could have regained his grip on the ball as he continued to move his arm forward? The ball was recovered by the Steelers 5 yards downfield even though the pressure came from Warner’s right. Wouldn’t that indicate some forward movement by Warner’s arm? Was it possible for the replay officials to determine every possibility in one minute of real time? (We’ve all seen much lengthier reviews over relatively trivial plays in the regular season.)" [The Fifth Down Blog]

• "Frankly, it's remarkable that there was no booth challenge to review the play. It was certainly close enough to warrant a look from upstairs. In all probability, the call on the field would have been confirmed. But why not appease the masses and nip any talk of controversy in the bud? (If the call had been overturned, Arizona would have had the ball on the Pittsburgh 29-yard line, certainly close enough to have had a reasonable shot at scoring a last-second touchdown.)" [Shutdown Corner]

• HEY SHITHEADS! THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE PASS! [KSK]

• Love Hurts. Here is our own J-Money, who is not taking the Cardinal loss well at all. You know things are bad when the only way you can express your feelings is through a Nazareth song. Quote: "For the record I don't always look like a preteen boy." [YouTube]

• Come On Pittsburgh, You're Barely Trying. "Police arrested more than 100 people for failing to disperse, at least one for arson, and two others for drunken driving. Couches and several garbage containers were set on fire." [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

• Commercial Appeal. The original kid from the Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial gives his opinion on the new version that aired yesterday. [KDKA2]

• The TV Ratings Are In ... and they're about 6 percent down from last year. That's what happens when you don't tell people there's going to be a porn clip. [The Live Feed]

• Yeah, Yeah, Six Super Bowl Trophies. We Know. This is already getting tiresome, and it's only Monday. [RSW Blog]

Santonio doesn't smoke pot—he used to sell it. (Also, he probably smokes pot.) Everyone knows that pushing is way worse than using, but that's what you do to get by when you grow up in a poor, violent town in the middle of Florida. Also, you club rabbits in the head and sell them for $3 a pop. But don't tell PETA that or they'll want his head examined.

By the way, this is all stuff that he openly admitted to, just days before the Super Bowl. He was arrested in the middle of the current season. Then there was this unpleasantness. Let's face it—the guy has led a crazy life. Hell, he's had a crazy last six months. But no one really cares about any of that today. All they want to know about now is the extraneous toe on his right foot that allows him to stretch his body great distances without ever leaving the field. (Did everyone forget about this too? I don't think his legs even bend.)

So he's not going to be licking Oreo Double Stuffs with his long-lost brother or anything, but I think Americans—and the advertisers who love them—are nothing if not selectively forgetful. Take another look back at Santonio's greatest Deadspin hits....

* * * * * *

• His 2006 arrest only hinted at greatness

• The man parties with McLovin. 'Nuff said.

• Introducing Steely McDong

• A courteous and professional drug bust

• He also occasionally plays football

• Foreshadowing vs. the Ravens

• Rabbits, Run

This was sent to us with no explanation; perhaps NFL.com put it up when Larry Fitzgerald scored the go-ahead touchdown for the Cardinals late in the fourth quarter. Which means they probably got a few orders. I would have snagged myself the hooded sweatshirt ... nothing keeps you comfortable in winter like the warm embracing fabric of failure.

Not saying that the last play by Warner was or wasn't an incomplete pass, but did officials actually look at the replay? Couldn't God have thrown a red flag from the heavens? [YouTube]