I'm pretty sure that anyone who worked for CBS Sports during the 2004 Super Bowl is either dead, retired, or already in jail for far greater crimes, yet somehow the network, the government, the Third Circuit Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court, the U.N. Security Council, and the Galactic Senate continue to fight it out. Even Fox is somehow involved and they weren't even showing the game. This is officially the dumbest legal fight of all time and it's pretty much guaranteed to never end.

CBS was fined $500,000, the Third Circuit said that was nonsense, the Supremes said, "nuh-uh" and the FCC is mad because the network had the magical "seven second delay" technology, yet didn't anticipate that a former Mouseketeer could be so randy. The horror. I don't even remember who played in that game—I want to say the Bills?—let alone what Janet Jackson's breast looks like, so perhaps the national scars have healed enough that we can fire all these lawyers and get on with our lives.

FCC To Further Investigate Janet Jackson Super Bowl Reveal [Broadcasting & Cable, via Gawker]

From USA Today:

Update: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rejected the idea of having a Super Bowl overseas in a meeting with the Associated Press Sports Editors today. "We have never looked at London or Mexico City as a site," Goodell said. His remarks contradict the story the BBC ran earlier.

Please note the "USA" in USA Today, where we get our facts straight and don't go off on crazy midday caffeine tea-and-biscuit highs, reporting whatever we dreamed the night before after watching Eastenders.

Hmm, that may have been a little harsh. Anyway, you don't have to worry for at least four more years — the next three Super Bowls are in Miami in 2010, Dallas in 2011 and Indianapolis in 2012. And I have high hopes for Fresno is 2013.

Of course, these could be mind games by Goodell, who has a history floating this London/Super Bowl story from time to time. I suppose he gets a big kick out of people's reactions. Kind of like all those times you get high and tell the people in the room "Hey man, wouldn't it be cool if they played the World Series in Kansas City?"

NFL Has Had 'Substansive' Talks About Holding Super Bowl In London [USA Today]

Drew’s Jamboroo runs every Thursday. Buy his book here. Email Drew here. Read him at KSK.

I have a new kid, so I won’t be going to any Super Bowl party this week. This doesn’t bother me much, because all I truly need to enjoy the Super Bowl is the game, food, alcohol, and a spank break at the end of a quarter. I don’t really need unwanted socializing awkwardly jammed into the mix. But if you, Good Spinners, are having a party this week, you’d best follow these guidelines:

If there are people at your party who don’t know shit about football, they better fucking all be women. I don’t actually mind having football newbies at a Super Bowl party. It helps make me look like I know way more about the game than I actually do. “You see that there, little lady? That’s the cornerback. He mans up against the wide receiver to prevent him from catching the ball. By the way, my cock is so large, I can troll for marlin with it.”

But I’ll be damned if I’m explaining the game to some dipshit asshole fuckface GUY who doesn’t know anything about what’s going on. “The Steelers are usually pretty good, aren’t they?” Yeah, asshole. They are. Now fuck off. I don’t ask you stupid questions at your beat poetry reading.

You must have a high definition television. Guests are legally allowed to shoot the TV if you’re subjecting them to standard definition.

You must have enough seating for all guests, and clear sightlines to the screen. And that seating has to be comfortable. The $10 plastic wok chair you bought at Ikea doesn’t count.

Do not mix partisan guests and nonpartisan guests. Don’t invite two diehard Steeler fans to a party with 40 other people. The other 38 guests will annoy the Steeler fans, and the Steeler fans will annoy the other 38 guests. Make it nothing but one team’s fans, or make it an entirely neutral crowd.

Buy three times the amount of food and alcohol you need.

Make the volume of the TV loud enough to shut down any potential conversation. If people want to have a free range discussion during the game, they can do it in the fucking kitchen.

Buy a plunger. Especially if I’m at your party. When the game is over, my cargo bay doors fly right open.

Unless you are a fan of one of the teams, do not decorate your place for the occasion.

Mandatory food items: Wings, Nacho Cheese Doritos, Nachos, chips and salsa, chili (recipe below), guacamole, eight foot long italian sub, cookies, jar of frosting with spoon in it (for me only), hooker covered in barbecue sauce.

Have weed handy in case the game goes to shit. Hugely improved the Colts-Bears Super Bowl for me.

You must instantly give an capsule review of any ad that comes on during the telecast. “The fuck is EDS? That was retarded.”

You must have Super Bowl boxes or some other sort of gambling pool ready to go. Because if the game sucks, and you DON’T have weed, then I better damn well be able to lose some money.

No spaghetti sauce orgies until the game is over

No fucking kids

No kids fucking

If you have a yard large enough to accommodate an out door boxing ring, you must rent one.

No ethnic food. What are those, samosas? Fuck you. If it’s not featured on the appetizer menu at an Applebee’s or some other purveyor of horrifyingly unhealthy American cuisine, it doesn’t belong here.

Supporters of the winning team may fire guns in the air if they like.

Always keep a separate room to stage monkey fights in.

And finally, your Super Bowl party is not really a party. It’s just you hosting a game. Stay the fuck out of the way of the game. No one cares if you threw a great social event or not. You’re just the sap who made brownies, bought beer, and opened your door. Don’t try and upstage the game. Or I’ll brain you to death with your own remote.

The Games

All Super Bowls in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And, like last year, I’ll be picking scores for every playoff game, something NO OTHER WRITER HAS EVER DONE IN HISTORY. It’s a bold move, one I’m sure will end up landing me any number of honorary ribbons and engraved silver chalices.

Five Throwgasms

Cardinals 27, Steelers 20: I don’t really care to pick against the Cardinals when Kurt Warner has evidently returned to his 1999 form, getting off perfectly thrown deep balls just as he’s about to get drilled in the chin. It’s odd that Warner would enjoy a career renaissance now, after struggling for so many years. OR IS IT? Perhaps there’s a more sinister explanation at work here. I recorded Warner having this exchange just after the end of the NFC Championship Game…

Warner: (to Suzy Kolber) My thing is, Suzy… I try not to get too high when things are going well, or too low when things aren’t working. I’ve been here enough times to know you can’t let those things affect you. You have to just keep focusing on making the next play. And if we end up winning when the game is over, great. But you can’t worry about winning and losing until the clock has run out.

Suzy Kolber: Kurt, thanks so much for your time and good luck to you in the Super Bowl.

Warner: My pleasure, Suze.

(leaves stadium, drives to empty warehouse, drops to one knee)

What is thy bidding, Master?

Satan: (emerges from dark red portal in the ground) I see your team has advanced, my son.

Warner: Oh, it’s true, my Dark Overlord! It’s true! We did it!

Satan: Do you doubt now my ability to manipulate your destiny?

Warner: No, Your Lowness.

Satan: Are you pleased with the extension we have made of our arrangement?

Warner: Yes! Yes, absolutely. Best decision I ever made. But I must ask: what duties must I now fulfill, O Unholy One?

Satan: You must cause another 9/11 to happen.

Warner: But the first one was so perfectly executed! I don’t know if I’ll be able to pin it on the Muslims again. NO ONE SUSPECTS A THING EXCEPT FOR JOAQUIN PHOENIX.

Satan: SILENCE!

Warner: Yes, sir.

Satan: You must stay with Brenda FOR ANOTHER DECADE.

Warner: Oh, man. That’s rough. What else?

Satan: You must bring me cherries. GOOD CHERRIES. Get the Bings if you can. Also, my dry cleaning must be picked up every Thursday. No exceptions. Make sure the Korean lady gets ALL the consumed soul out of my collars. AND NO LIGHT STARCH. They say it’s light starch, and then my shirts come back stiffer than my erection after a flood.

Warner: Anything else?

Satan: You must bring me more fresh dead babies to eat.

Warner: More fresh dead babies… got ya.

Satan: Hey, Kurt.

Warner: Yes, Satan?

Satan: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?

Warner: I don’t know, Prince of Darkness. What?

Satan: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Warner: HA HA HA

Satan: HA HA HA

Warner: HA HA HA

Satan: HA HA HA

Warner: HA HA HA

Satan: HA HA HA

It’s true. I have it all on tape. Cards win.

Four Throwgasms

None.

Three Throwgasms

None.

Two Throwgasms

None.

One Throwgasm

None.

Championship Week Picks: 1-1 (1-1 vs. the spread)

2008 Playoff Picks Record: 6-4 (6-4 vs. the spread)

Drew’s Chili Recipe
Reprinted from last year. I like to eat chili until you can smell it through my pores.

FOR THE CHILI:
2 packs ground beef or turkey (I use one pack of ground chicken and one pack ground turkey)
1 onion, chopped
8 cloves garlic, chopped
1 shallot, chopped (optional)
1 jalapeno, chopped
1 large can crushed tomatoes
1 can tall red kidney beans, drained
1 can corn, drained
1 can beer
1 can chicken broth
1 tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp sugar
2 tbsp cumin (add more at end if necessary)
2 tbsp chili powder (add more at end if necessary)
The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango, grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum (optional)
1/4 cup white vinegar
Salt & Pepper to taste
Ashes from a joint (optional)
Lotta Frank's Hot Sauce (Frank's is the fucking best.)
2 glugs olive oil

FOR THE SIDES:
Shredded cheese
Tortilla chips
Sour cream
Frank's hot sauce
1 bunch scallions, chopped (As always, don't skimp on the fucking scallions)
Beer

Put a big pot on the stove on medium. Pour in the oil. When it's hot, toss in the onions, garlic, jalapeno, and shallots and stir them around until soft. Toss in the ground meat. Salt and pepper the ground meat in the pot. Sautee the meat until it's good and brown. Drain the fat. Add the tomatoes, beans, corn, beer, broth, liquid smoke, sugar, cumin, chili powder, joint ashes, vinegar, and Frank's. Bring it to a simmer. Half cover the pot and leave it on low medium heat for 2-3 hours, stirring occasionally and always tasting. The liquid in the pot should reduce into a nice, thick stew. Dip in a chip to see if the chili sticks to it. If it does, it's ready to serve. Now teabag the pot. TEABAG IT, CHILI BALLS!

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Hangar 18,” by Megadeth. Accompanied here by what might possibly be the most ludicrous heavy metal video of all time. I had no idea Vic Rattlehead ran the all of the Black Ops for the US government. Or that many of the sinister aliens we keep in New Mexico look just like the gay alien from Mac And Me. Did you know this video was the inspiration for the entire plot of Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull? True story.

It’s hard to take in all that this video has to offer in just one viewing. It’s got Dave Mustaine dressed like a pirate. It has hot chick lab researchers. It has over 500 examples of unconvincing alien puppetry. It has an abducted alien that is clearly just a stripper wearing a mask. The song itself has a time signature change halfway through that’s more abrupt than a fart during intercourse. All it needs is Gamera to come flying in at the end for it to be an all-out masterpiece.

I really wish Dave Mustaine had set his ego aside and hired someone else to be lead vocalist for Megadeth. This man is a horrible, horrible singer. He sounds like a ferret being sexually abused. And that’s annoying, because Megadeth has riffs that will pummel your fucking balls. Dave Mustaine is the guy who helped write “Ride The Lightning” and “Call Of The Ktulu”. He knows how to write songs that will DESTROY YOUR SHIT, but he sure as fuck can’t sing any of them.

BONUS Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Smoke Machine,” by The Giraffes. Special thanks to the handful of readers who recommended this band. Not only do they kick ass, but they also have a crazy as shit backstory. According to the Wiki, lead guitarist Damien Paris was once shot in the leg at a White Castle by a fire marshal (I’m assuming the chain’s “What You Crave” tagline does not refer to gaping bullet wounds). Lead singer Aaron Lazar “suffered two heart attacks in early 2005, for which he is in six figures of debt and is now outfitted with an implanted defibrillator”. Holy shit. Get this man a gold album and a decent PPO immediately.

BONUS Helloween Song Of The Week
”Gorgar” by Helloween! I love foreign 80’s speed metal bands, and Helloween was among the most ridiculous. And if you think the name Helloween is kinda gay, keep in mind that the band was formed out of the ashes of two other bands named Iron Fist and Powerfool. Outside of Scorpions, Germans don’t name their heavy metal bands terribly well. Anyway, I always thought “Gorgar” was about some evil fantasy world demon and shit, because the chorus goes…

GORGAR WILL EAT YOU… GORGAR… (long German scream)

Not so. The song is about pinball. To the lyrics:

You're runnin' around in the gamblin' hall
Every night it's the same
You're lookin' for something new to play
To win and have fun is your aim

Oh, this was so written by Germans.

A pinball speaks to you
His metal voice is knockin' in your head

“I’m a pinball! Play me! SEE IF YOU CAN GET THE MATCH AT THE END! NO ONE EVER DOES!”

You can't resist you'll have to play
You're just another victim caught in the trap

The deadly trap… of pinball! GORGAR WILL EAT YOUR QUARTERS! HE’S THE REAL GAMBLOR!

Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

“Wild World,” by Maxi Priest. It’s lame enough if you like the Cat Stevens version of “Wild World”. But to enjoy the soft reggae version of it probably earns me a full ticket to Douchetown.

We had to move a bunch of shit in our place this week, and one of the things I unearthed was a 15-year-old Caselogic of mine that had about 60 of my old tapes from high school, including all the shitty mixtapes I made. This song was on one of the mixes. The name of that mix? “Nuclear Summer, Volume 1”. Sadly, there was never a Volume 2 in that series. Other titles for my mixtapes included “Metal Mix” (very creative), and “Mr. Softee’s Mix” (Mr. Softee was my nickname for my penis in high school). I am not good at naming mixtapes. Or penises.

I used to make mixtapes for girls and give to them, hoping they’d want to hook up with me for it. I can’t think of a less effective way to score chicks. It only works in dipshit Cameron Crowe films. I may as well have given those girls a Frankie Goes To Hollywood album and picture of my balls being sawed off.

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“For the Super Bowl, I like Arizona getting 7 points against the Steelers. I saw The Boy In The Striped Pajamas this week at the Sharkplex. BEST MOVIE EVER. That’ll teach you, little Bruno.”

2008 Nazi Shark Record: 6-12 (2-1 playoffs)

Great Moments In Sports Poop History
Reader REM sends in this wrestling poop story.

“So, I'm covering a wrestling dual between a local city team and an out of area team. The local city team's 112-pound wrestler is state ranked and facing a decent, but not outstanding wrestler from the visiting school.

“From the beginning, the ranked wrestler looks uncomfortable and not at all like himself. He falls behind early and at each stoppage appears to be favoring his right leg or knee, taking his time to get up.

“The small gymnasium is kept dark except for one spotlight lowered over the center of the mat. At one point during the second period, my eyes start telling me that there is some sort of dark stain towards the rear of this young wrestler wearing a white singlet who is struggling with an opponent he should dominate. I quickly tell my eyes to stop lying to me.

“The match continues with the home wrestler struggling until he is turned to his back and pinned late in the third period. Having been defeated, the freshman quickly disappears, and I lose sight of him.

“The dual does not continue, however, and the home coach is forced to a nearby supply closet. He begins spraying the mat with a chemical and mopping up. Turns out that stain was not a figment of my imagination. This young freshman had shat himself — liquid shat — into his white singlet during the match.

“I don't know who I felt worse for — the kid who shat himself in front of the home crowd as a freshman in a white garment or the kid who won the match against a superior opponent but probably left with another's fecal matter on his person.”

I don’t get it. If this kid was such a great wrestler, then WHY didn’t he use his diarrhea to his advantage? That’s Grappling 101 right there, to use all available elements at your disposal. If you have beard stubble, you grind it into your opponent’s skin. If you have persistent body odor, you NEVER shower for at least three days prior to the match. And if you’ve got a doodie shake in your back pocket, YOU ATTACK.

There are any number of shit-related wrestling moves out there this young man could have employed, such as the Cross Arm Smear, the Corn Nelson, the Caca Cradle, the True Rikishi Stinkface, and the dreaded Mud Pie. Dan Gable used to poop before every match. That’s how they do it in Iowa. One whiff, and your opponent will pin himself!

Fire This Asshole!
Here’s who has been fired or retired so far:
Tony Dungy
Rod Marinelli
Eric Mangini
Mike Holmgren
Lane Kiffin
Scott Linehan
Mike Nolan
Romeo Crennel
Mike Shanahan
Jon Gruden
Herm Edwards

That Edwards firing was weeks overdue. And I still think we have at least one more surprise firing in store before all is said and done. I mean, look at this list of future goners:

Brad Childress
Wade Phillips
Marvin Lewis
Norv Turner
Andy Reid
Dick Jauron
Jack Del Rio
Mike McCarthy
Jim Zorn

I’ll go ahead right now and predict at least seven of those losers will be out before the end of next season. So really, owners, why wait? Quit delaying the inevitable and fire these men. It’s not fair to the 50,000 people who lost their jobs this week at places like Intel and GM to see that Brad Childress still receives a salary and health benefits for his wife and children. He should be laid off, and forced to attend mandatory weekly job-hunting seminars just so he can continue to collect unemployment. Ever go to one of those seminars? Holy shit. Those things are more depressing than dog cancer.

Super Bowl Snack Of The Week

Wings. Always wings for the Super Bowl Jamboroo. Have you ever been to a Super Bowl party where they order wings, only they order wings that are just completely fucking wrong? “Well, we got teriyaki wings and zesty Cajun wings!” Excuse me? You WHAT? Those are not wings. Those are an abortion. Get the classic buffalo style wings or go sit on a railroad spike.

Super Bowl Beer Of The Week

Tecate! I’m going to tell you a story about drinking in Mexico. My gay prep school had a senior year program where a group of students were allowed to live for 10 weeks abroad in Cuernavaca, Mexico during the winter. I got into this program. This made me very happy.

The only problem with the Cuernavaca trip was that we, as students, were still subject to all of the draconian rules that applied back on campus. That meant getting caught drinking risked immediate expulsion. Of course, we all got drunk every night anyway.

The city of Cuernavaca is laid out in such a way that all of the houses are located behind very tall fences. So, to access the house where we were staying (all of us stayed with various Mexican families), we needed both a key for the fence door and a key for the house door.

One night, my friend and I got shitfaced and staggered back home from a discoteca (In 1994, Mexican discotecas were required by law to only play two songs: “Rhythm Is A Dancer” by Snap and a cover of the Village People’s “Go West” by The Pet Shop Boys). We had a key to our fence, but when we got to the house door, we realized we had no house key.

We spent hours trying to break into our own house when, out of the clear fucking blue, a dark figure walked through the fence door. We thought it was our Mexican Daddy with the house key. YAY, MEXICAN DADDY. But when the figure stepped into the light, it turned out to be the nefarious “DINGO” DON FOSTER, Exeter’s program director.

Oh. Fuck.

Dingo Don pinned my friend against the outside of the house and smelled his breath. This led to my favorite drunken exchange of all time.

DINGO DON: Have you been drinking?

MY FRIEND: Uh… no.

DINGO DON: No?

MY FRIEND: No, I HAVE been drinking.

We got probation. The rest of our group spent the night at a discoteca called Babyrock, where Harrison Ford showed up. DAMN YOU, DINGO DON!

Random FKS-Style Tidbit
Two inches of snow fell in DC on Tuesday. My kid’s school was cancelled as a result. For two fucking inches. Hey DC, GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A TIRE IRON. We are the most powerful nation on Earth, and yet a fucking dusting of snow causes our entire Federal government to shut down? THAT IS SHIT. “Oh no! Look at all this snow! IT’S THE BLIZZARD OF AUGHT NINE! WE’VE BEEN WHITED OUT!” Pathetic.

Schools in our nation’s capital have been known to close for fucking RAIN on occasion. No joke. Local DC and Maryland officials are the biggest fucking bunch of weather pussies ever produced by mankind. God forbid you actually send kids to school in mildly inclement weather. No, no, that would make you liable! Well then, why send kids to fucking school at all, you spineless sacks of fuck? I NEED THAT KID IN SCHOOL. I HAVE SHIT TO DO. DID THAT EVER CROSS YOUR FUCKING MINDS, OR WERE YOU TOO BUSY LISTENING TO SOME BREATHLESS FUCKSTAIN WEATHERCOCK FROM CHANNEL 5 TO NOTICE? THE PREZ SAYS YOU PEOPLE ARE GAY.

Fuck DC. Fuck weathermen. Fuck the government. Fuck it all.

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

Fire In The Sky. Note to Megadeth: THIS is how you do creepy alien shit. God damn, this movie freaked me out. I don’t really believe in ghosts, or aliens, or any of that shit. But I so very badly would like to believe in them. And movies like this help make it see, that much more plausible. Because if you can’t trust an alien abduction story from a drunken redneck, what CAN you trust?

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Hi. I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such public service videos as Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: The web’s finest compendium of Alyssa Milano photos. Teen Steam… you gotta let it out. GOTTA LET IT OUT!
-For the gals: Actor Jesse Metcalfe. Is it me, or are Jesse’s jeans about seven sizes too large in that photo?

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“I’m gonna hit ya… AND YOU’RE GONNA FALL.”
-Ren

Enjoy the Super Bowl, everyone. I’ll be back with a season ending Jamboroo next week.

Troy Polamalu (of course) iced the Steelers victory with an interception return for a touchdown, and Kurt Warner rose from the dead to do the damage for the Cards (with a little help from Mr. Fitzgerald here.) And after a wild and crazy NFL playoffs, a little bit of order was restored. Yes, Arizona is in the freakin' Super Bowl, but they were the home team today, no one has been playing more inspired football this month, and let's be honest ... you give Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid the football with three minutes left and a seven-point hole, do you really expect them to come through for you? (Sorry, Boss. It's the truth.)

Anyway, it's too late at night to be watching football on a Sunday, so we'll call it an evening. But not before I give Emeritus the final word:

This beer here, it tastes particularly good. —-about 1 hour ago from txt

ABC will air a brief football-themed Wipeout special opposite NBC’s Super Bowl halftime show featuring Bruce Springsteen, and then come in with a full episode of Wipeout during NBC's showing of The Office right after the Super Bowl. That Wipeout will feature cheerleaders competing against male “couch potato” fans.

The two-part ABC special — dubbed “Wipeout Superball Sunday” — pulls out all the stops to cater to NFL fans: Hall of Famer Michael Irving will lend sideline commentary, the Navy’s Blue Angels will perform a flyover, the USC marching band will storm the course, contestants will run a gantlet with quarterbacks pelting them with footballs, NFL luminaries will stop by the commentary booth, and the show’s signature Big Balls obstacle has been converted into jumbo-sized footballs.

Hopefully these are Live Feed's misspellings; it's hard to believe that the NFL would think that "Michael Irving" would be running the "gantlet."

It's the first time in five years that a network has attempted to seriously compete against Super Bowl programming.

In 2002, NBC enjoyed some of Fox’s big game thunder by airing a special episode of the Endemol-produced “Fear Factor” featuring Playboy Playmates as contestants during halftime. “Fear Factor” siphoned off 11.4 million viewers. The family-friendly “Wipeout” could attract even more.

Of course all of this will pale in comparison to the ratings garnered by next week's Plaxico Burress Christmas Special.

ABC To 'Wipeout' The Super Bowl [The Live Feed]

In a victory for fans of nipples everywhere, a three judge panel of the Third Circuit found that the FCC "acted abitrarily and capriciously" in imposing their fine against CBS.

CBS executives reacted with glee. "The ten million dollars in legal fees that this dispute has cost us is well worth the $550,000 we've saved in penalties." Even though they didn't say that, lawyers across America thank CBS nonetheless for keeping us employed and allowing us to bill while we read this item. That's another .2 of legal research guys. Write it up.

Proving how little your own life has changed and how slow the wheels of American justice turn, it has now been almost five years since the Super Bowl nipple ruined the lives of American children.

Federal Appeals Court throws out CBS' fine for 'wardrobe malfunction' [ESPN}

Police say New York Giants Super Bowl rings were among the $2 million worth of items stolen from an Attleboro jewelry company sometime over the weekend. Thieves disabled the alarm system at E.A. Dion's building on Franklin McKay Drive, cut a hole in the roof and made off with a safe that weighed at least 1,000 pounds. It held the rings, gold, and gems. There are no suspects. It's considered the biggest heist in Attleboro's history.

You've gotta love a good heist; it brings to mind George Clooney and Acetylene torches and blueprints and Julia Roberts driving a sports car with a stick shift. No one gets hurt, and if we're lucky, it could even turn into a caper. Now let's go find those rings!

Giants Super Bowl Rings Stolen In Attleboro Heist [WBZTV]

Anyway, it's understandable that the NFL wants to control how "Super Bowl" is used (even if it does seem a little counterproductive; isn't increased publicity and buzz for the event a good thing?). So a lot of bars, stores, and promotions simply referred to it as "the big game," knowing everyone would understand. The NFL wants to trademark "the big game," too.

That seems a little over-the-top. Can we even say "NFL" anymore? Do we have to call it "that game they play on Sundays that's kinda like rugby, except they wear pads and run plays and stuff"?

Other terms the NFL is considering trademarking include: touchdown, playoffs, pigskin, tight end, athletic supporter, Gatorade , facemask, make it rain, groin, pylon, unabated, football, foot, and ball.

NFL Tightens the Screws [Coyote Blog]

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. You can check out the whole shebang here (there are 8 pages of these). I'm not sure how to feel about the one in the middle there. It wreaks all sorts of havoc into Rex's image as the sex cannon.

Super Bowl XLI Surprises [SomethingAwful]

- The Colts can't convert a big 3rd and 8 at midfield, despite Peyton Manning's brilliant work to avoid the coverage and get the ball downfield to Marvin Harrison. Nathan Vasher separated the ball from Harrison like Harrison was Oprah and the ball was Steadman.

- Grossman's intercepted... I couldn't even begin to explain what Grossman was thinking on that throw. It was a spiral... that's about the best thing you can say for it. It was like it was his goal to put as much arc on it as possible. Kelvin Hayden took the other way for a touchdown, which would put the Colts up by 11, and all of the pressure squarely on Rex Grossman's shoulders... which would mean that this game is all but over.

- 28-17, for now, pending the review and the extra point. The interception will stand, they're reviewing whether or not Hayden stepped out. Review indicates that he was not out... the TD stands.

- The extra point makes it 29-17, with 11:44 to play. A comeback, obviously, is not impossible... but Rex Grossman's going to have to stop being Rex Grossman for a while.

- Appearing together in a Budweiser commercial... Jay-Z and Don Shula. It's like someone at Budweiser saw the Subway commecials with Reggie Bush and Jon Lovitz and thought, "Oh yeah? Well watch this, motherfuckers."

- Grossman with another rainbow ball, and again, it's intercepted. Berrian was open, and I don't know if Grossman did that on purpose, but... Betty White could have thrown that football harder.

- A sack forces the Colts back into a 3rd and 18... they give it to Dominic Rhodes at 3rd down, and they'll punt. That sack cost them a chance at three points, but... at least Rex Grossman's getting the ball. That's the good news for the Colts.

- Grossman completes three straight... all of the short, underneath variety. That last carry by Thomas Jones put him over the 100-yard mark for the day.

- 4th down, trailing by 12 points, the Bears are forced to go for a 4th and 9 with 5:16 to play. They're at their own 46 yard line. Thomas Jones, the single back... Grossman drops back, throws downfield, to Desmond Clark, nice throw... but he's hit, and the ball pops out. The Colts take over... cue up those Chesney CDs, this thing is about over.

- Dominic Rhodes up the middle, the hole created by a terrific block by Tarik Glenn to keep the hole open. We're under 4:00 to play.

- Rhodes again, another first down... to the 22 yard-line.

- On the MVP tip... you've got Dominic Rhodes with over 100 yards rushing and a TD. Joseph Addai with 77 on the ground, and 10 catches, too. And then there's the sentimental choice of Peyton Manning... who can make a case with his 247 yards and a touchdown. I think Rhodes is the right choice... he's been a constant on these Colts teams, just as much as Manning, and he's always been happy to accept the role of back-up. Let's give one to a role player.

- The Colts run the ball on fourth down, S-Jew'ing the opportunity to add another three points. No reason to risk a blocked extra point and give the Bears a chance for a big play. The Bears take over... meanwhile, Nantzy and Simms are well into their congratulations of Tony Dungy.

- Dungy's never cursed in his life? Is that what I'm to believe here? I have no problem believing that Tony Dungy is a terrific human being, a role model for everyone out there... but not one curse word? Ever? My perspective is skewed, because I embrace profanity like a family member, but... I find that difficult to believe.

- The final seconds tick off... and Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy will be taking home te Negro Bowl I trophy.

- Manning is subdued as he walks around the field, consoling the Bears, exchanging congratulations with Dwight Freeney. Manning and Dungy hug now... a very, reserved, dignified celebration. I wish CBS would have a camera with them a few hours from now, when they're both stuffing hundreds into strippers' thongs.

- I think that's going to do it for us here... I appreciate you all hanging out here at Deadspin. Will is back with you tomorrow, unless he decides he likes CBS so much that he's staying. Goodnight, gang.

- One thing that's been a non-factor so far is the officiating, and I think we're all appreciative of that. Mike Holmgren will still probably call a press conference tomorrow and bitch.

- There's our second mention of Oprah this evening. She was in a commercial with Dave Letterman earlier, and now Nantzy mentions that Nathan Vasher wants to put it down on her.

- Joseph Addai continues to be the man, and the Colts are giving me what I asked for... a sustained possession. Addai grinds out another first down, and the Colts are at the Bears 28.

- Addai takes a screen and has another first down at the 14-yard-line. Brian Urlacher is really bitching at someone.

- Under 8:00 to play in the half. Third and 10, and Manning completes it to Dallas Clark, but not in a way that allowed Clark to keep moving. Manning wants to go for it, but I don't think that's going to be happening. And Tony Dungy's thrown his challenge flag... he wants a too many men on the field call.

- There were 11 people out there, though... this is strangely odd. How does this happen? Some son of a bitch who can't count just cost the Colts a timeout.

- The Colts kick, and Vinatieri makes this one... barely. He kinda wobbles it in, he did not hit it squarely. It would be unfortunate for the Colts if the kicker position cost them this game... that was the one spot they thought they had figured out.

- The Colts squib it again, and with 7:21 to play in the third quarter, the Bears finally have the ball. I'm expecting a turnover.

- The Bears call three pass plays... Grossman completes the first two, and on the third, Booger McFarland gets free and buries Grossman for a loss of 11. That puts them in a 3rd and 12... at which point Grossman and Kruetz will fuck up the exchange again, and the Bears went from 2nd 1 to 4th and 23. Efficient.

- The Colts take over from their own 35... it's a handoff to Dominic Rhodes, he slides past a couple of guys at the line of scrimmage, and that's a gain of 36. The Colts offense just seems to have the answers right now. They'll take what the defense gives, and they'll abuse it until the defense decides to give up something else instead. They can't get 7s, though... settling for 3s.

- Dominic Rhodes comes up a couple of yards short... 4th and goal from the 2 is what's left. Here comes Vinatieri again, and given the conditions, and Vinatieri's performance so far, this is not automatic.

- In fact, it was very nearly blocked... it went through, and then a Bears special teamer knocked Vinatieri down. If it's a personal foul, the Colts have another shot at the endzone. They call it "running into," though, and the field goal stands. 22-14, Colts, 3:16 to play in the quarter. That looked more like roughing to me.

- Break for the Bears here... Vinatieri's squib kick is a poor one, the Bears had it at about their own 45 yard-line... and then a personal foul pushes the ball all the way to the Colts 40. Short field for Rex to work with here, which is nice, but probably not enough. If they don't let any of the Colts move until they count 5-Mississippi, then he might have a chance...

- 3rd and 7 for Rex... he's pressured, he's running for his life, and he throws it to Jason David, who is not wearing a Bears uniform. David drops it, and here comes Robbie Gould for a 44-yarder in difficult conditions. It's up, and Gould bananas it between the uprights. 22-17, 1:14 to play in the 3rd.

- Tony Dungy's challenging another play, this one I think he's going to win. It's not quite as complicated as counting. It looks like both his feet where down as he caught and possessed that ball. These 47 HD cameras are really paying off for CBS.

- The call is reversed, Marvin has his catch, and that leaves the Colts with a 3rd and 2. Manning to Wayne, and they convert it. That'll bring the 4th quarter to a close... Colts leading by 5, with the ball, and moving it.

- The halftime discussion from the CBS guys revolves around turnovers, and includes such gems like, "You just can't do that!", "This ball is precious!" and "Hold on to your luggage!" Excellent stuff.

- Don't take this the wrong way, but... I'm hoping Prince exposes his ass cheeks here.

- Prince has opted for a conservative teal suit... and those aren't usually three words that you ever see together. But hey, it's Prince. He opens with "Let's Get Crazy." I love it.

- I don't know who that marching band is with Prince (Florida A&M, maybe?), but they're breaking it down. Prince is now singing other peoples' songs, which is disappointing. Still, it's Prince, and I'm happy... I can't recall ever enjoying an NFL halftime show before... at least not since Elvis Presto.

- "All Along the Watchtower" now... that'll do. All 28 seconds of it. And now we're into some Foo Fighters song.

- "Purple Rain"... thankfully, we're back into the Prince catalogue now. I suppose a little bit of "Horny Pony" would be too much to ask for...

- Prince is sopping wet, by the way... I don't know what kind of shoes he's wearing, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't own any 5/8" cleats. There's a pretty decent chance that he'll fall and bust his tiny little ass on that state.

- And we're done. That was slightly disappointing, but... not all together bad. I thought it would be longer (that's what she said! Hey-O!").

- Jim Nantz informs us that Indianapolis and Chicago are 188 miles apart "by car." Does it get longer if you choose another method of travel? 188 miles by car, but just 114 by camel?

- They're cleaning off the field now... the stage is dismantled, the props are toted back, and all of Prince's bodily fluids are being cleaned up.

- Cedric Benson's return is questionable, just in case you were wondering about the Bears future ability to limit the effectiveness of their own running game.

- Joseph Addai plows ahead for the first down, getting the Colts down to the Bears 16-yard-line. On 3rd and 9, they go short over the middle to Joseph Addai, but the Bears made the play. I admire the Bears for having the balls to come after Peyton Manning, which isn't something that every team can say. Vinatieri's field goal is good, and it's 14-9.

- For some reason, Devin Hester isn't back to take the kickoff for the Bears... why the hell wouldn't he be? He's one of the best chances the Bears have to score... what did he do, bang Lovie Smith's wife between quarters? That makes no sense.

- Oh, there's the explanation... Hester was on the field, but he wasn't the deep man. They were expecting the squib. Nice job by Adam Vinatieri to recognize it and go deep.

- A couple of fairly deep completions strung together by Peyton Manning... first to Marvin Harrison across the middle and then to Dallas Clark on an improvised comeback. The rain has gotten so hard, by the way, that the CBS cameras are all fuzzy and foggy. Kind of a waste of those 47 HD cameras, isn't it, CBS? I'd settle for one with a dry lens.

- Dominic Rhodes is running hard... he churns out a first down on a second effort, and on the next play, busts it up the middle down near the goal line. They give it to him a third time, and he busts across the goal line. Indianapolis takes the lead, 16-14, on the back of Dominic Rhodes.

- So the Bears have had two big plays, really... the opening kickoff by Hester, and the Thomas Jones 52-yard run that was finished off for the other touchdown. As has been the story for them for quite a while now, they might have to figure out a way to win this one without the benefit of sustained, offensive drives. That really hasn't been a problem for them this year.

- Budweiser would like to thank "the millions of designated drivers." And I'd like to second that... thank God for those suckers heroes.

- Solomon Wilcots reports that Cedric Benson is done for the game. He's on the bench, all by himself, no one around him, getting pounded in the rain... Jesus, that's a depressing sight. I'd imagine that Will looks very similar right now.

- Another three-and-out for the Bears, and Brad Maynard's leg is going to get tired. Terrence Wilkins puts a nice return on it, and the Colts take over at their own 35 here.

- 2:00 warning, and the Colts and dinking and dunking and chewing their way down the field. The Bears are giving them the short stuff, they're taking it, and it's become the Joseph Addai show.

- One of the side judges has been working out with Ed Hochuli... I wonder if the NFL piss tests officials for steroids. Not accusing anyone of anything... just curious.

- Ouch... and that's a drive-killer by Bryan Fletcher. He takes the Manning pass, turns it upfield, and has it stripped. And on the next play, Rex Grossman and Olin Kreutz mess up the snap, and the Colts have it right back. This has turned into a celebration of the turnover. That's 6.

- Timeout Colts, :39 on the clock, 3rd and 2 for the Colts from the Bears 17-yard-line.

- Addai goes up the middle, but Urlacher is there to crunch and chew him down to the turf... and here comes Vinatieri to try to push it to a five-point lead.

- By the way, I kinda had a policy here that I wasn't going to comment on commercials... mainly because I needed there to be a few seconds when I wasn't typing, but... I am watching them, and I'd just like to say that I think it's great that all of our nation's racial problems have been solved because of the head coaches involved in this game.

- And Vinatieri misses... wow. If they need him to kick a late one, is he mindfucked now? Is that the first chew in his clutch armor? Intrigue.

- So that's the end of the first half... enjoy the Lingerie, Puppy, or whatever Bowl you choose to watch.

- 7-0 Bears... and yeah, I couldn't resist running that picture one more time. I love it.

- Something else to think about from that kickoff return... Adam Vinatieri was evidently supposed to keep that kick between the numbers. He didn't, and it cost them. Perhaps for the first time in his postseason career, Adam Vinatieri just screwed up. Bad.

- Marvin Harrison trips over the coverage, leaving the ball to hit Nathan Vasher in the chest, though he drops the interception. Two plays and a penalty later, Manning is intercepted... just a bad throw on his part. The Colts are in storm-weathering mode right now.

- The rain looks like it's coming down harder... making it very warm and very wet in Miami. Rex Grossman, I'm told, enjoys those conditions.

- The Bears squander their opportunity, and end up punting... Brad Maynard boots it into the endzone. Nice opportunity for the Colts to get things calmed down and settle into a groove right now.

- Boy, I really wish this thing updated faster.

- They do come out and get a first down on a very short completion to Marvin Harrison, who has a really really poor track record in the postseason. Nantz is talking about Peyton Manning's thumb, which has not been a factor since... well, ever, really.

- Ben Utecht drops a short pass from Peyton Manning... I believe that Barbaro was controlling that play from the afterlife. You should've dedicated the game to the fallen Colt, Ben. You had your chance.

- Reggie Wayne is the beneficiary of some kind of defensive breakdown, and gets wiiiiide open in the secondary. Manning avoided the rush, lofted one out to Reggie Wayne, who just walked into the endzone.

- And the Colts fuck up the extra point (I can curse here, by the way... HaHa, Will!) and they Tony Romo'd the extra point. 7-6, Bears.

- By the way, before any of that happened, the TD or the extra point, Jim Nantz confused Phil Simms by using the word "eschew." At least that's what Nantz says he said... I heard S-Jew.

- The Colts elect to go with the squib technique on kicks now... the ball comes lose, and the Colts have it. Man, I don't think I've ever heard Jim Nantz so excited. He almost sounded masculine for a second there. This is not the Jim Nantz of Butler Cabin.

- And Joseph Addai fumbles it away on the next play... this is insane. Such an eventful game makes it hard on a liveblogger... I'm getting carpal tunnel as we speak. My thumb right now is more of an issue than Peyton Manning's thumb.

- And that fumble, I think, was Manning's fault... it looked like Addai got that handoff really high, off the shoulder pads.

- Thomas Jones breaks one on the Bears first play from scrimmage... 52 yards down inside the five. Great cut at the point of attack from Thomas Jones.

- Touchdown Bears... great job by Rex Grossman to squeeze that ball into a tight space. Good hands by Muhsin Muhammad, too... 14-6 Bears. This game has certainly not lacked for excitement.

- The Colts can't get anything going on their next drive, and they'll be punting from their own 20. The Bears are being pretty aggressive with their defense, going after Manning... the Colts are pretty out of sync.

- CBS has 47 HD cameras at the game, by the way... and on the replays of that Berrian catch along the sidelines, you can really tell. Multiple angles, all of them in HD, some of them even useful for the purposes of that replay.

- And yet another turnover. Cedric Benson takes the handoff and gets popped by Bob Sanders at the line of scrimmage, and the ball comes out. Huge break for the Colts, who had almost no momentum... now they're on the Bears side of the 50 with the ball.

- Under 2:00 in the half... Peyton Manning drills a Bears d-lineman in the chest, but gets away with it. It's like Cooper stole his uniform before the game started... or even worse, Eli.

- So the Colts waste the opportunity, and will punt. They send the punting unit out... and the Bears commit a neutral zone infraction, giving the Colts a 4th and 3 at the Bears 36 yard line. They elect not to go for it... Tony Dungy's a sissy.

- Cedric Benson and Bears tackle Jon Tait are down on the same play. At least it wasn't the Bears good running back who was hurt. The drive ends, and the Bears will punt from their own 12 yard line. There will be no return, and once again, the Colts are gifted nice field position.

- That'll do it for an eventful, if not handsomely-executed 1st quarter.

- I kid, I kid. I am not going to beat my dog.

- By the way, from time to time, we'll be checking in with Will doing his CBS glog... which I can't even find as of right now. I can find two other guys liveblogging over there... Clay Travis, who is likable, and Gregg Doyel. Check this out from Doyel, who is evidently completely unaware of what you guys can do to comment sections:

Today sucks. And then I find out I'm going to be dueling Will Leach — Leitch? Leech? — from something called Deadspin. All day long. And this is a guy, so I hear, who has taken some shots at me over the past six months.

So maybe today won't suck after all.

- What's happening on the field now involves Gloria Estefan, NFL officials riding ostriches, and a Bears fan wrestling a Colts fan at midfield. I did not make up a word of that.

- Oh, and Will wanted me to let you all know that he's having a fantastic time over there at CBS, "glogging" for free, with no links to Deadspin to be found anywhere, and with Gregg Doyel being a douche. He's also not allowed to curse over there... Will doesn't need the profanity crutch like I do, but something tells me that he's feeling the urge right about now.

- Here's the link to Will's glog.

- I'm actually sort of enjoying this little video montage with all these players parents and families yapping about their family members... Cooper Manning is in there, Reggie Wayne's dad, Marvin Harrison's high school geometry teacher, etc. Also, Cooper Manning has just become my favorite member of the Manning family. After him, there's a three-way tie for last.

- Manning, during his pregame intro video thingie: "This truly is the last game of the year." Yes, Peyton... yes it is. Perhaps this explains some of his previous postseason failings... he was never clear on whether or not, he'd have another chance.

- The Colts are introduced as a team... I'm guessing the Bears will be, too. The Patriots kind of ruined that for everyone, opting to not be introduced individually. Now any team that goes that route seems like a bunch of selfish pricks.

- Rex Grossman is clean shaven. No word yet on Kyle Orton.

- Jim Nantz asks for a moment of silence for those who were hit by the recent tornadoes in Florida. Amen to that. But for a quick second there, I felt a little bit of glee in my heart when I thought he was going to ask for a moment of silence for Barbaro.

- Billy Joel gets the national anthem out pretty quickly, coming in well under the over/under set by BoDog. Accompanying the song, CBS gave us an extreme close-up of Peanut Tillman's (I think) retina. That was for all the ophthalmologists out there.

- Here's the link to Will's glog.

- If you ask me, I think Will's depression and anger are just dripping from his words.

- Sounds like Bears fans are more vocal this evening. They win the toss, and they'll receive. This game is OVER.

The above is Round 8 of Bear Vs. Colt. I've been waiting all day for a last update, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Maybe they're waiting until after the game, I don't know. But if we're heading into XLI with things as they stand, our lasting image of Bear Vs. Colt will be Bear with an emergency case of the runs, allowing Colt to claim victory.

The final tally was Colt 4, Bear 3, Girl 1. If this is any sort of indication as to how they game itself will unfold, expect the Colts to win a close one by playing dirty and cheating. Also, expect both Rex Grossman and Peyton Manning to be distracted at some point during the game by an attractive woman (or country music superstar) on a treadmill, costing them both points.

Bear Vs. Colt

(Also, sorry for the technical difficulties earlier... I have absolutely no explanation for it. Perhaps the hamsters are upset about having to work on Super Bowl Sunday. It looks to be at least partially worked out. At least this didn't happen on a particularly inconvenient day. Super Bowl Pregame liveblog begins soon...)

It seems like some of the dogs are a little bit older this year, like they've invited back a couple of last year's MVPs. I love this thing. I'm so glad they show it at 3:00, instead of waiting until 6:00 and having it go up against the Super Bowl. If they didn't, you'd all be really confused about the random "Awwwwww"s thrown into the liveblog.

I couldn't enjoy this more if they had a couple of black lab head coaches.

Puppy Bowl III [Animal Planet]

I've purposely avoided most of the Super Bowl hype throughout the week... I haven't watched any preview shows, no NFL Matchup type shows, not even SportsCenter. I didn't want to get burned out and head into today's game wishing it was already over.

In doing so, however, I missed this. The Big Lead loads up this SportsCenter clip of Peyton Manning performing the tango in an 8th grade play. And an 8th grade Peyton Manning doing the tango looks ... well, it looks exactly like what you'd expect it to look like. Even Eli was embarrassed.

Peyton Manning's 8th Grade Tango [The Big Lead]

Today, friends, let's remember Barbaro, who'd have wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Or, much like your Aunt Judy, he'd have liked to be in the presence of the glowing box with the bright and colorful images while people around him ate Doritos and drank Coors Light. He deserved that much.

Which is why I thank the anonymous television reporter responsible for this exchange with Colts tight end Ben Utecht:

Ben Utecht was approached by a television reporter.

"Are you going to win this one for Barbaro? Are you dedicating this game to him?" the reporter asked, not smiling.

"Barbaro?" Utecht said, not playing along.

"Yeah, you know, a fallen colt?" the reporter asked earnestly.

"What you have there is a tragic situation," Utecht said. "We're just going to go out there and do the best we can."

Asked about it later, Utecht said it was the stupidest question he ever has been asked.

Super Bowl briefs [Salt Lake Tribune]