In a victory for fans of nipples everywhere, a three judge panel of the Third Circuit found that the FCC "acted abitrarily and capriciously" in imposing their fine against CBS.

CBS executives reacted with glee. "The ten million dollars in legal fees that this dispute has cost us is well worth the $550,000 we've saved in penalties." Even though they didn't say that, lawyers across America thank CBS nonetheless for keeping us employed and allowing us to bill while we read this item. That's another .2 of legal research guys. Write it up.

Proving how little your own life has changed and how slow the wheels of American justice turn, it has now been almost five years since the Super Bowl nipple ruined the lives of American children.

Federal Appeals Court throws out CBS' fine for 'wardrobe malfunction' [ESPN}

Police say New York Giants Super Bowl rings were among the $2 million worth of items stolen from an Attleboro jewelry company sometime over the weekend. Thieves disabled the alarm system at E.A. Dion's building on Franklin McKay Drive, cut a hole in the roof and made off with a safe that weighed at least 1,000 pounds. It held the rings, gold, and gems. There are no suspects. It's considered the biggest heist in Attleboro's history.

You've gotta love a good heist; it brings to mind George Clooney and Acetylene torches and blueprints and Julia Roberts driving a sports car with a stick shift. No one gets hurt, and if we're lucky, it could even turn into a caper. Now let's go find those rings!

Giants Super Bowl Rings Stolen In Attleboro Heist [WBZTV]

Anyway, it's understandable that the NFL wants to control how "Super Bowl" is used (even if it does seem a little counterproductive; isn't increased publicity and buzz for the event a good thing?). So a lot of bars, stores, and promotions simply referred to it as "the big game," knowing everyone would understand. The NFL wants to trademark "the big game," too.

That seems a little over-the-top. Can we even say "NFL" anymore? Do we have to call it "that game they play on Sundays that's kinda like rugby, except they wear pads and run plays and stuff"?

Other terms the NFL is considering trademarking include: touchdown, playoffs, pigskin, tight end, athletic supporter, Gatorade , facemask, make it rain, groin, pylon, unabated, football, foot, and ball.

NFL Tightens the Screws [Coyote Blog]

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. You can check out the whole shebang here (there are 8 pages of these). I'm not sure how to feel about the one in the middle there. It wreaks all sorts of havoc into Rex's image as the sex cannon.

Super Bowl XLI Surprises [SomethingAwful]

- The Colts can't convert a big 3rd and 8 at midfield, despite Peyton Manning's brilliant work to avoid the coverage and get the ball downfield to Marvin Harrison. Nathan Vasher separated the ball from Harrison like Harrison was Oprah and the ball was Steadman.

- Grossman's intercepted... I couldn't even begin to explain what Grossman was thinking on that throw. It was a spiral... that's about the best thing you can say for it. It was like it was his goal to put as much arc on it as possible. Kelvin Hayden took the other way for a touchdown, which would put the Colts up by 11, and all of the pressure squarely on Rex Grossman's shoulders... which would mean that this game is all but over.

- 28-17, for now, pending the review and the extra point. The interception will stand, they're reviewing whether or not Hayden stepped out. Review indicates that he was not out... the TD stands.

- The extra point makes it 29-17, with 11:44 to play. A comeback, obviously, is not impossible... but Rex Grossman's going to have to stop being Rex Grossman for a while.

- Appearing together in a Budweiser commercial... Jay-Z and Don Shula. It's like someone at Budweiser saw the Subway commecials with Reggie Bush and Jon Lovitz and thought, "Oh yeah? Well watch this, motherfuckers."

- Grossman with another rainbow ball, and again, it's intercepted. Berrian was open, and I don't know if Grossman did that on purpose, but... Betty White could have thrown that football harder.

- A sack forces the Colts back into a 3rd and 18... they give it to Dominic Rhodes at 3rd down, and they'll punt. That sack cost them a chance at three points, but... at least Rex Grossman's getting the ball. That's the good news for the Colts.

- Grossman completes three straight... all of the short, underneath variety. That last carry by Thomas Jones put him over the 100-yard mark for the day.

- 4th down, trailing by 12 points, the Bears are forced to go for a 4th and 9 with 5:16 to play. They're at their own 46 yard line. Thomas Jones, the single back... Grossman drops back, throws downfield, to Desmond Clark, nice throw... but he's hit, and the ball pops out. The Colts take over... cue up those Chesney CDs, this thing is about over.

- Dominic Rhodes up the middle, the hole created by a terrific block by Tarik Glenn to keep the hole open. We're under 4:00 to play.

- Rhodes again, another first down... to the 22 yard-line.

- On the MVP tip... you've got Dominic Rhodes with over 100 yards rushing and a TD. Joseph Addai with 77 on the ground, and 10 catches, too. And then there's the sentimental choice of Peyton Manning... who can make a case with his 247 yards and a touchdown. I think Rhodes is the right choice... he's been a constant on these Colts teams, just as much as Manning, and he's always been happy to accept the role of back-up. Let's give one to a role player.

- The Colts run the ball on fourth down, S-Jew'ing the opportunity to add another three points. No reason to risk a blocked extra point and give the Bears a chance for a big play. The Bears take over... meanwhile, Nantzy and Simms are well into their congratulations of Tony Dungy.

- Dungy's never cursed in his life? Is that what I'm to believe here? I have no problem believing that Tony Dungy is a terrific human being, a role model for everyone out there... but not one curse word? Ever? My perspective is skewed, because I embrace profanity like a family member, but... I find that difficult to believe.

- The final seconds tick off... and Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy will be taking home te Negro Bowl I trophy.

- Manning is subdued as he walks around the field, consoling the Bears, exchanging congratulations with Dwight Freeney. Manning and Dungy hug now... a very, reserved, dignified celebration. I wish CBS would have a camera with them a few hours from now, when they're both stuffing hundreds into strippers' thongs.

- I think that's going to do it for us here... I appreciate you all hanging out here at Deadspin. Will is back with you tomorrow, unless he decides he likes CBS so much that he's staying. Goodnight, gang.

- One thing that's been a non-factor so far is the officiating, and I think we're all appreciative of that. Mike Holmgren will still probably call a press conference tomorrow and bitch.

- There's our second mention of Oprah this evening. She was in a commercial with Dave Letterman earlier, and now Nantzy mentions that Nathan Vasher wants to put it down on her.

- Joseph Addai continues to be the man, and the Colts are giving me what I asked for... a sustained possession. Addai grinds out another first down, and the Colts are at the Bears 28.

- Addai takes a screen and has another first down at the 14-yard-line. Brian Urlacher is really bitching at someone.

- Under 8:00 to play in the half. Third and 10, and Manning completes it to Dallas Clark, but not in a way that allowed Clark to keep moving. Manning wants to go for it, but I don't think that's going to be happening. And Tony Dungy's thrown his challenge flag... he wants a too many men on the field call.

- There were 11 people out there, though... this is strangely odd. How does this happen? Some son of a bitch who can't count just cost the Colts a timeout.

- The Colts kick, and Vinatieri makes this one... barely. He kinda wobbles it in, he did not hit it squarely. It would be unfortunate for the Colts if the kicker position cost them this game... that was the one spot they thought they had figured out.

- The Colts squib it again, and with 7:21 to play in the third quarter, the Bears finally have the ball. I'm expecting a turnover.

- The Bears call three pass plays... Grossman completes the first two, and on the third, Booger McFarland gets free and buries Grossman for a loss of 11. That puts them in a 3rd and 12... at which point Grossman and Kruetz will fuck up the exchange again, and the Bears went from 2nd 1 to 4th and 23. Efficient.

- The Colts take over from their own 35... it's a handoff to Dominic Rhodes, he slides past a couple of guys at the line of scrimmage, and that's a gain of 36. The Colts offense just seems to have the answers right now. They'll take what the defense gives, and they'll abuse it until the defense decides to give up something else instead. They can't get 7s, though... settling for 3s.

- Dominic Rhodes comes up a couple of yards short... 4th and goal from the 2 is what's left. Here comes Vinatieri again, and given the conditions, and Vinatieri's performance so far, this is not automatic.

- In fact, it was very nearly blocked... it went through, and then a Bears special teamer knocked Vinatieri down. If it's a personal foul, the Colts have another shot at the endzone. They call it "running into," though, and the field goal stands. 22-14, Colts, 3:16 to play in the quarter. That looked more like roughing to me.

- Break for the Bears here... Vinatieri's squib kick is a poor one, the Bears had it at about their own 45 yard-line... and then a personal foul pushes the ball all the way to the Colts 40. Short field for Rex to work with here, which is nice, but probably not enough. If they don't let any of the Colts move until they count 5-Mississippi, then he might have a chance...

- 3rd and 7 for Rex... he's pressured, he's running for his life, and he throws it to Jason David, who is not wearing a Bears uniform. David drops it, and here comes Robbie Gould for a 44-yarder in difficult conditions. It's up, and Gould bananas it between the uprights. 22-17, 1:14 to play in the 3rd.

- Tony Dungy's challenging another play, this one I think he's going to win. It's not quite as complicated as counting. It looks like both his feet where down as he caught and possessed that ball. These 47 HD cameras are really paying off for CBS.

- The call is reversed, Marvin has his catch, and that leaves the Colts with a 3rd and 2. Manning to Wayne, and they convert it. That'll bring the 4th quarter to a close... Colts leading by 5, with the ball, and moving it.

- The halftime discussion from the CBS guys revolves around turnovers, and includes such gems like, "You just can't do that!", "This ball is precious!" and "Hold on to your luggage!" Excellent stuff.

- Don't take this the wrong way, but... I'm hoping Prince exposes his ass cheeks here.

- Prince has opted for a conservative teal suit... and those aren't usually three words that you ever see together. But hey, it's Prince. He opens with "Let's Get Crazy." I love it.

- I don't know who that marching band is with Prince (Florida A&M, maybe?), but they're breaking it down. Prince is now singing other peoples' songs, which is disappointing. Still, it's Prince, and I'm happy... I can't recall ever enjoying an NFL halftime show before... at least not since Elvis Presto.

- "All Along the Watchtower" now... that'll do. All 28 seconds of it. And now we're into some Foo Fighters song.

- "Purple Rain"... thankfully, we're back into the Prince catalogue now. I suppose a little bit of "Horny Pony" would be too much to ask for...

- Prince is sopping wet, by the way... I don't know what kind of shoes he's wearing, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't own any 5/8" cleats. There's a pretty decent chance that he'll fall and bust his tiny little ass on that state.

- And we're done. That was slightly disappointing, but... not all together bad. I thought it would be longer (that's what she said! Hey-O!").

- Jim Nantz informs us that Indianapolis and Chicago are 188 miles apart "by car." Does it get longer if you choose another method of travel? 188 miles by car, but just 114 by camel?

- They're cleaning off the field now... the stage is dismantled, the props are toted back, and all of Prince's bodily fluids are being cleaned up.

- Cedric Benson's return is questionable, just in case you were wondering about the Bears future ability to limit the effectiveness of their own running game.

- Joseph Addai plows ahead for the first down, getting the Colts down to the Bears 16-yard-line. On 3rd and 9, they go short over the middle to Joseph Addai, but the Bears made the play. I admire the Bears for having the balls to come after Peyton Manning, which isn't something that every team can say. Vinatieri's field goal is good, and it's 14-9.

- For some reason, Devin Hester isn't back to take the kickoff for the Bears... why the hell wouldn't he be? He's one of the best chances the Bears have to score... what did he do, bang Lovie Smith's wife between quarters? That makes no sense.

- Oh, there's the explanation... Hester was on the field, but he wasn't the deep man. They were expecting the squib. Nice job by Adam Vinatieri to recognize it and go deep.

- A couple of fairly deep completions strung together by Peyton Manning... first to Marvin Harrison across the middle and then to Dallas Clark on an improvised comeback. The rain has gotten so hard, by the way, that the CBS cameras are all fuzzy and foggy. Kind of a waste of those 47 HD cameras, isn't it, CBS? I'd settle for one with a dry lens.

- Dominic Rhodes is running hard... he churns out a first down on a second effort, and on the next play, busts it up the middle down near the goal line. They give it to him a third time, and he busts across the goal line. Indianapolis takes the lead, 16-14, on the back of Dominic Rhodes.

- So the Bears have had two big plays, really... the opening kickoff by Hester, and the Thomas Jones 52-yard run that was finished off for the other touchdown. As has been the story for them for quite a while now, they might have to figure out a way to win this one without the benefit of sustained, offensive drives. That really hasn't been a problem for them this year.

- Budweiser would like to thank "the millions of designated drivers." And I'd like to second that... thank God for those suckers heroes.

- Solomon Wilcots reports that Cedric Benson is done for the game. He's on the bench, all by himself, no one around him, getting pounded in the rain... Jesus, that's a depressing sight. I'd imagine that Will looks very similar right now.

- Another three-and-out for the Bears, and Brad Maynard's leg is going to get tired. Terrence Wilkins puts a nice return on it, and the Colts take over at their own 35 here.

- 2:00 warning, and the Colts and dinking and dunking and chewing their way down the field. The Bears are giving them the short stuff, they're taking it, and it's become the Joseph Addai show.

- One of the side judges has been working out with Ed Hochuli... I wonder if the NFL piss tests officials for steroids. Not accusing anyone of anything... just curious.

- Ouch... and that's a drive-killer by Bryan Fletcher. He takes the Manning pass, turns it upfield, and has it stripped. And on the next play, Rex Grossman and Olin Kreutz mess up the snap, and the Colts have it right back. This has turned into a celebration of the turnover. That's 6.

- Timeout Colts, :39 on the clock, 3rd and 2 for the Colts from the Bears 17-yard-line.

- Addai goes up the middle, but Urlacher is there to crunch and chew him down to the turf... and here comes Vinatieri to try to push it to a five-point lead.

- By the way, I kinda had a policy here that I wasn't going to comment on commercials... mainly because I needed there to be a few seconds when I wasn't typing, but... I am watching them, and I'd just like to say that I think it's great that all of our nation's racial problems have been solved because of the head coaches involved in this game.

- And Vinatieri misses... wow. If they need him to kick a late one, is he mindfucked now? Is that the first chew in his clutch armor? Intrigue.

- So that's the end of the first half... enjoy the Lingerie, Puppy, or whatever Bowl you choose to watch.

- 7-0 Bears... and yeah, I couldn't resist running that picture one more time. I love it.

- Something else to think about from that kickoff return... Adam Vinatieri was evidently supposed to keep that kick between the numbers. He didn't, and it cost them. Perhaps for the first time in his postseason career, Adam Vinatieri just screwed up. Bad.

- Marvin Harrison trips over the coverage, leaving the ball to hit Nathan Vasher in the chest, though he drops the interception. Two plays and a penalty later, Manning is intercepted... just a bad throw on his part. The Colts are in storm-weathering mode right now.

- The rain looks like it's coming down harder... making it very warm and very wet in Miami. Rex Grossman, I'm told, enjoys those conditions.

- The Bears squander their opportunity, and end up punting... Brad Maynard boots it into the endzone. Nice opportunity for the Colts to get things calmed down and settle into a groove right now.

- Boy, I really wish this thing updated faster.

- They do come out and get a first down on a very short completion to Marvin Harrison, who has a really really poor track record in the postseason. Nantz is talking about Peyton Manning's thumb, which has not been a factor since... well, ever, really.

- Ben Utecht drops a short pass from Peyton Manning... I believe that Barbaro was controlling that play from the afterlife. You should've dedicated the game to the fallen Colt, Ben. You had your chance.

- Reggie Wayne is the beneficiary of some kind of defensive breakdown, and gets wiiiiide open in the secondary. Manning avoided the rush, lofted one out to Reggie Wayne, who just walked into the endzone.

- And the Colts fuck up the extra point (I can curse here, by the way... HaHa, Will!) and they Tony Romo'd the extra point. 7-6, Bears.

- By the way, before any of that happened, the TD or the extra point, Jim Nantz confused Phil Simms by using the word "eschew." At least that's what Nantz says he said... I heard S-Jew.

- The Colts elect to go with the squib technique on kicks now... the ball comes lose, and the Colts have it. Man, I don't think I've ever heard Jim Nantz so excited. He almost sounded masculine for a second there. This is not the Jim Nantz of Butler Cabin.

- And Joseph Addai fumbles it away on the next play... this is insane. Such an eventful game makes it hard on a liveblogger... I'm getting carpal tunnel as we speak. My thumb right now is more of an issue than Peyton Manning's thumb.

- And that fumble, I think, was Manning's fault... it looked like Addai got that handoff really high, off the shoulder pads.

- Thomas Jones breaks one on the Bears first play from scrimmage... 52 yards down inside the five. Great cut at the point of attack from Thomas Jones.

- Touchdown Bears... great job by Rex Grossman to squeeze that ball into a tight space. Good hands by Muhsin Muhammad, too... 14-6 Bears. This game has certainly not lacked for excitement.

- The Colts can't get anything going on their next drive, and they'll be punting from their own 20. The Bears are being pretty aggressive with their defense, going after Manning... the Colts are pretty out of sync.

- CBS has 47 HD cameras at the game, by the way... and on the replays of that Berrian catch along the sidelines, you can really tell. Multiple angles, all of them in HD, some of them even useful for the purposes of that replay.

- And yet another turnover. Cedric Benson takes the handoff and gets popped by Bob Sanders at the line of scrimmage, and the ball comes out. Huge break for the Colts, who had almost no momentum... now they're on the Bears side of the 50 with the ball.

- Under 2:00 in the half... Peyton Manning drills a Bears d-lineman in the chest, but gets away with it. It's like Cooper stole his uniform before the game started... or even worse, Eli.

- So the Colts waste the opportunity, and will punt. They send the punting unit out... and the Bears commit a neutral zone infraction, giving the Colts a 4th and 3 at the Bears 36 yard line. They elect not to go for it... Tony Dungy's a sissy.

- Cedric Benson and Bears tackle Jon Tait are down on the same play. At least it wasn't the Bears good running back who was hurt. The drive ends, and the Bears will punt from their own 12 yard line. There will be no return, and once again, the Colts are gifted nice field position.

- That'll do it for an eventful, if not handsomely-executed 1st quarter.

- I kid, I kid. I am not going to beat my dog.

- By the way, from time to time, we'll be checking in with Will doing his CBS glog... which I can't even find as of right now. I can find two other guys liveblogging over there... Clay Travis, who is likable, and Gregg Doyel. Check this out from Doyel, who is evidently completely unaware of what you guys can do to comment sections:

Today sucks. And then I find out I'm going to be dueling Will Leach — Leitch? Leech? — from something called Deadspin. All day long. And this is a guy, so I hear, who has taken some shots at me over the past six months.

So maybe today won't suck after all.

- What's happening on the field now involves Gloria Estefan, NFL officials riding ostriches, and a Bears fan wrestling a Colts fan at midfield. I did not make up a word of that.

- Oh, and Will wanted me to let you all know that he's having a fantastic time over there at CBS, "glogging" for free, with no links to Deadspin to be found anywhere, and with Gregg Doyel being a douche. He's also not allowed to curse over there... Will doesn't need the profanity crutch like I do, but something tells me that he's feeling the urge right about now.

- Here's the link to Will's glog.

- I'm actually sort of enjoying this little video montage with all these players parents and families yapping about their family members... Cooper Manning is in there, Reggie Wayne's dad, Marvin Harrison's high school geometry teacher, etc. Also, Cooper Manning has just become my favorite member of the Manning family. After him, there's a three-way tie for last.

- Manning, during his pregame intro video thingie: "This truly is the last game of the year." Yes, Peyton... yes it is. Perhaps this explains some of his previous postseason failings... he was never clear on whether or not, he'd have another chance.

- The Colts are introduced as a team... I'm guessing the Bears will be, too. The Patriots kind of ruined that for everyone, opting to not be introduced individually. Now any team that goes that route seems like a bunch of selfish pricks.

- Rex Grossman is clean shaven. No word yet on Kyle Orton.

- Jim Nantz asks for a moment of silence for those who were hit by the recent tornadoes in Florida. Amen to that. But for a quick second there, I felt a little bit of glee in my heart when I thought he was going to ask for a moment of silence for Barbaro.

- Billy Joel gets the national anthem out pretty quickly, coming in well under the over/under set by BoDog. Accompanying the song, CBS gave us an extreme close-up of Peanut Tillman's (I think) retina. That was for all the ophthalmologists out there.

- Here's the link to Will's glog.

- If you ask me, I think Will's depression and anger are just dripping from his words.

- Sounds like Bears fans are more vocal this evening. They win the toss, and they'll receive. This game is OVER.

The above is Round 8 of Bear Vs. Colt. I've been waiting all day for a last update, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Maybe they're waiting until after the game, I don't know. But if we're heading into XLI with things as they stand, our lasting image of Bear Vs. Colt will be Bear with an emergency case of the runs, allowing Colt to claim victory.

The final tally was Colt 4, Bear 3, Girl 1. If this is any sort of indication as to how they game itself will unfold, expect the Colts to win a close one by playing dirty and cheating. Also, expect both Rex Grossman and Peyton Manning to be distracted at some point during the game by an attractive woman (or country music superstar) on a treadmill, costing them both points.

Bear Vs. Colt

(Also, sorry for the technical difficulties earlier... I have absolutely no explanation for it. Perhaps the hamsters are upset about having to work on Super Bowl Sunday. It looks to be at least partially worked out. At least this didn't happen on a particularly inconvenient day. Super Bowl Pregame liveblog begins soon...)

It seems like some of the dogs are a little bit older this year, like they've invited back a couple of last year's MVPs. I love this thing. I'm so glad they show it at 3:00, instead of waiting until 6:00 and having it go up against the Super Bowl. If they didn't, you'd all be really confused about the random "Awwwwww"s thrown into the liveblog.

I couldn't enjoy this more if they had a couple of black lab head coaches.

Puppy Bowl III [Animal Planet]

I've purposely avoided most of the Super Bowl hype throughout the week... I haven't watched any preview shows, no NFL Matchup type shows, not even SportsCenter. I didn't want to get burned out and head into today's game wishing it was already over.

In doing so, however, I missed this. The Big Lead loads up this SportsCenter clip of Peyton Manning performing the tango in an 8th grade play. And an 8th grade Peyton Manning doing the tango looks ... well, it looks exactly like what you'd expect it to look like. Even Eli was embarrassed.

Peyton Manning's 8th Grade Tango [The Big Lead]

Today, friends, let's remember Barbaro, who'd have wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Or, much like your Aunt Judy, he'd have liked to be in the presence of the glowing box with the bright and colorful images while people around him ate Doritos and drank Coors Light. He deserved that much.

Which is why I thank the anonymous television reporter responsible for this exchange with Colts tight end Ben Utecht:

Ben Utecht was approached by a television reporter.

"Are you going to win this one for Barbaro? Are you dedicating this game to him?" the reporter asked, not smiling.

"Barbaro?" Utecht said, not playing along.

"Yeah, you know, a fallen colt?" the reporter asked earnestly.

"What you have there is a tragic situation," Utecht said. "We're just going to go out there and do the best we can."

Asked about it later, Utecht said it was the stupidest question he ever has been asked.

Super Bowl briefs [Salt Lake Tribune]

While I'm trying to truly appreciate my favorite spam e-mail subject line of all-time — "Experience the outbreak of firmness in your pants with Viagra Soft Tabs" — here's something equally weird.

It's a YouTube tribute to the Super Bowl, and it's ... just strange, and oddly transfixing. I can't explain it's appeal. I kind of hate it, yet I watched the whole thing. I think the special cameo appearance at around the 30-second mark is what makes it.

In what's shaping up to be the most vicious rap beef since 50 Cent tangled with Oprah, Common and Kanye West have ignored Lil' Ronnie's advice to "step off." No, they have stepped right the heck on, recording this little pro-Bears ditty, "Southside Superbowl."

Download here, courtesy of Spine Magazine.

So that's RonD on the side of the Colts, and Common and Kanye West on the side of the Bears. Welcome to what I'm sure will be the least violent rap war of all time... there's almost no possibility of someone getting shot here. One guy wears a backpack, one guy's in a Gap commercial, and one guy, in 2007, advises people to "step off."

We'll just have to let the album sales decide.

Bear vs. Colt is an inspired bit of Super Bowl silliness. Every day between now and the Super Bowl, they post a new video with a Bear vs. Colt battle, with a guy in a bear costume going toe to toe in some manner against a guy in a colt costume.

They've attempted to settle their differences so far at a zoo, in a movie theater, and playing Dance Dance Revolution (the Bear has surprising Bettis-like nimble feet). The Bear currently leads 2 rounds to 1, so I've included the one Colt victory, because I feel bad for him. And that furry white costume has to be a total laundry nightmare.

Bear Vs. Colt - Whose side are you on? [BearVsColt.com]

I'm happy to report, though, that the young lady will be receiving a happy ending. Axe, makers of body spray for men who wear body spray, has stepped up and provided her with four Super Bowl tickets. One for her, two for her friends, and one for... well, maybe you. You now have a chance to write to her, and tell her why you deserve to go to the game with her, and no money has to change hands.

Submissions are due by January 31st, and the hot e-mail address is hotsuperbowldate@hotmail.com. Hot. You have to be 21 years old, include a photo of yourself, get to Miami on your own, and you're also responsible for your own accommodations. That seems to imply that there won't be any sex involved, but if you've got the proper amount of money game, then who knows?

If you're looking for ideas for your submission, the commenters at Kissing Suzy Kolber already have a pretty good jump on things.

Bears Fans Are Hot, Desperate [With Leather]
Spain Train To Arrive For SB XLI In Miami (with Tickets) On Schedule [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
SARAHBEARSFAN [myspace]

It's so difficult to wait that extra week for the Super Bowl. The promise of spectacular pageantry is on the horizon, but still just out of your reach. Oh, pageantry, you seductive temptress.

But I just can't wait. I demand some wondrous pageantry, and I demand it right now. And this is why I'm so thankful to Michael David Smith at the FanHouse for digging up this beauty ... the Super Bowl XXIII halftime show, featuring an Elvis Impersonator in tight gold pants doing magic tricks illusions.

Prince Can't Possibly Be Worse Than Super Bowl XXIII [NFL FanHouse]

I will be willing to trade a lifetime membership to my stripclub in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for 2 tix to the superbowl...need to know quickly...membership is worth $1,000 per year

Is it a good deal? Depends on how you look at it. It's probably a pretty classy place ... I mean, just look at the jacket. That's the kind of thing you can proudly wear on a cattle-herding adventure with Billy Crystal. And I don't know if it's really worth $1,000 a year, but to be guaranteed to be in the vicinity of young beaver, through your seventies and eighties ... well, some things you just can't put a price on.

To be honest, I didn't even know that strip clubs had membership fees. That just seems a little bit too much like a country club to me. How does that work? You pay a monthly fee, and it just gets you in the building? Does it come with any sort of guaranteed amount of crotch in your face?

This Dirtbag Really Wants Super Bowl Tickets [NFL FanHouse]
will trade lifetime gold VIP membership... [craigslist]
Welcome to the Sugar Shack - Lake Geneva's Premier Adult Club [Sugar Shack]

UPDATE: Time out, time out ... Check out the "membership" page here at the Sugar Shack website. Details are available on the "gold V.I.P. membership," which "entitles you to bring yourself and up to five of your guests to the club at any time free of charge. This is a lifetime Membership and can be purchased for only $100.00."

$100.00. Even if, by some chance, it's not the same place referenced on craigslist ... this does not sound like tremendous value for two Super Bowl tickets.

Anyway, there will be some other Deadspinners there as well, and there might end up being some meetup block party action. But if you know of anything you think Mr. Daulerio absolutely should not miss, email us or email him and let us/him know. Nothing is off limits; if he doesn't run into Berman at a strip club somewhere, we're going to be sorely disappointed.

Deadspin Goes To The Super Bowl [Deadspin]
Deadspin Block Party

"She's too much of a train wreck," says the insider. "Besides, we already have Paris Hilton."

The ad in question is supposed to feature various NFL stars and celebrities attending Chad Johnson's Super Bowl party; Larry David is said to be playing a part, which is too random an incident for us to wrap our minds around. And if that weren't enough, it looks like Kevin Federline is going to be in a Nationwide ad during the Super Bowl. And all this talk is just assuring that we're going to use the commercial time for what it was meant for: Using the bathroom.

NFL Tells Britney To Pound Sand [West Side Slant]
Britney's Ex To Star In Super Bowl Ad [Business Week]

How about $4,000? No. How about $40,000? We introduce you to Super Bowl XL Opus, the definitive history of the NFL written by the "finest sportswriters in the US, both past and present." The "Limited Edition" of this book — the basic, cheaper model — is $4,000. But the "MVP Edition," which has a page signed by all 40 of the Super Bowl MVPs — you too can have Dexter Jackson's signature! — runs $40,000. $40,000! A book!

Look, we love books. Love them. But $40,000 ... heck, for that much money, you could get two actual tickets to an NFL game.

Super Bowl XL Opus [KrakenOpus]

For those people who like to watch their football games with all the good stuff taken out and only the boring parts left in, this is the video for you: It's every penalty in the Super Bowl last year, spliced together, one after another. It's, essentially, the product of a madman, and is what Mike Holmgren sees in his dreams, every night.

Super Bowl Officiating [YouTube]

Obviously, the Super Bowl always garners outstanding ratings. But the ratings this year were extraordinary, the best in 10 years and bringing in the most viewers since the finale of "M*A*S*H."

Does anybody else find that strange? We know the Steelers have a lot of fans, and we know the Seahawks were the first West Coast team in three years ... but didn't everybody spend the two weeks leading up to the game talking about how much of a buzzkill this Super Bowl was supposed to be? No Colts, no Patriots, no huge names, no non-Bettis storylines ... this was supposed to be the Super Bowl nobody cared about. And it's not like the game was inherently thrilling; we'll say that if someone had never seen a football game in their life, that wasn't the first one we'd choose to show them.

So why? What was it that inspired so many more non-football fans to tune in this time? What was so marketable?

We're not asking because we have a strong theory. We're asking because we honestly don't know. We're eager to hear your theories in the comments.

Super Bowl Ratings 2nd Only To "M*A*S*H*" [San Jose Mercury News]

• Holmgren did not snub Cowher after the game. Apparently a bone of contention among some Steelers fans, the NFL did an exhaustive investigation and found that: "The coaches were supposed to meet and shake hands at the 25-yard line, but they were confused as to which of the two 25-yard lines it was. They each went to different ones." Ha. Sounds a lot like the game.

• The NFL also found that the game "was properly officiated, including, as in most NFL games, some tight plays that produced disagreement about the calls made by the officials," spokesman Greg Aiello said in a statement. Seahawks fans would respectfully disagree.

• Meanwhile, Steelers owner Dan Rooney has accepted an invitation from President Bush for the Steelers to visit the White House. When Bush called early Wednesday, he asked if he had awakened Rooney. "Yes Mr. President, you did," said Rooney, a Democrat.

• And, more controversy concerning Sunday's officiating ... at the Puppy Bowl. Here's this, from Planet Haystack: "The aftermath of SBXL is that everybody and his step-brother will whine about the lack of alleged crisp play or the lack of coherent officiating ... what-evvvv-vuhhhh. The real crime on Sunday may've been the way that the white poodle was never flagged for a lot of mischief. I'd've thrown her out."

We agree; that dog was out of control.

The video is below, but it's worth noting that the only way this could really be accurate, if you ask any Seahawks fans we know (or, inexplicably, Mike Holmgren), the Steelers dog would also be wearing zebra stripes.

Sometimes, we just love third-grade humor. We can't get enough.

Well, my week is done. This was exhausting. I'll be sure to remember the next time I cover a Super Bowl to:

a) Get a hotel room;
b) Possibly get a Super Bowl ticket;
c) learn how to work both a digital camera and a video camera;
d) make more friends in the media.

Overall, the experience has been a good one. Thanks to those PR fellas who did their damndest to help me out. Special thanks to Ilowski Sausagem Jaimie at AOL Sports Bloggers and the Coen family for their hospitality and Grape Nuts. No thanks to those who didn't. I'm sorry I failed to secure a salami football toss with Mitch Albom, Jessica Alba or Chuck Klosterman. I assure you I asked.

Anyway, after the jump, another cell phone number for you and all your friends to pass around. Until next year's XLI madness ...

Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx's cellphone number:

818-371-1136

Heyyyyy. Hoooo.

So, it came and went, and I'm, thankfully, still alive and didn't break any expensive equipment. The Pittsburgh Steelers, on the backs of their 40 million fans in Detroit this weekend, won that boring-ass Super Bowl yesterday. I'd hoped that some kind soul aware of my situation would possibly get me a ticket, but that's wishful thinking. I mean, I got a football-shaped salami and was invited to many of the parties downtown. I got to sit next to Tom Arnold, and I got a chance to almost lose a rental car. An actual ticket to the game would've been pushing it, or, even worse, come close to actual real journalism. Everybody knows that wasn't the point of this endeavor.

More round-up after the jump.

In downtown Detroit yesterday, it was a decidedly more controlled atmosphere than it was from the beginning of the week. Woodward Avenue - the road that leads directly to downtown Detroit off of I-75 - was closed off to vehicles at least a mile from the stadium.

I had to park at Wayne State University, which still charged $20. Walking downtown from this point of view, you can really see the "other" Detroit - the one of the burned out buildings and dilapidated housing projects that have been hidden from viewpoint the most of this week.

Outside of Hockeytown, Chelio s Bar, it was all black and gold. People were standing in line outside of Hockeytown for up to three hours just to get a seat inside. There were easily 50 Steelers fans to every Seahawk fan, and Steelers fans were decidedly more drunk and uppity. But, I m pretty sure if I were trapped in a Super Bowl city with my hometown playing with no tickets, I d probably be drunk as well. It was amazing, still , how many people were actually outside trying to buy tickets. Is this not a mugger s paradise? You can pretty much guarantee that everyone looking for extra tickets is carrying at least $3,000 on their person - as one Seahawks fan admitted he had.

And if you don t get the tickets, then what do you do with all of that money for the rest of the day? Hopefully, they found a safe deposit box before midnight and escaped downtown before all of the homeless shelters emptied out. It was probably like Dawn of the Dead in Detroit come midnight, once all of these people cooped up for a week were finally released.

As you inched closer to the Ford Field area, it felt like you were walking further and further away from it. Every area a half mile away from the stadium was gated off. Those people who had tickets were corralled into the stadium area at a very leisurely pace. There was only one person visibly throwing up outside of a bar at around 3 p.m. and, sadly, no fights.

It was a very collegial attitude, even when some brave Seahawks fans would attempt to break into the Steeler s pep rallies - which were seemingly everywhere. If Seahawks fans taunted them, most of the time they were either greeted with gentle shoulder taps or guffaws. "Oh, that s cute!" was the overriding attitude of Steelers fans faced with Seattle trash talk. And Seattle fans knew this was unfamiliar territory for them. It s hard to taunt somebody while you re wearing pacific blue as your primary color.

But congratulations to the city of Detroit for a fantastic job hosting the Super Bowl. There were plenty of opportunities to blow this thing, and the city held its ground throughout a very hectic week. It was nice to see many locals walking around the city that they ve lived in close proximity to their whole lives, but were always afraid to enter. And there were only two murders! That s a pretty healthy number considering the amount of extra people they had to look after. But they should really invest in something along the lines of a mass transit system if they want to do this again. That sissy little People Mover just won t cut it.

The most damning compilation of complaints is brought to us by Football Outsiders, in their big post-game wrapup. It got so bad that even Skip Bayless, who, as FO puts it, "would rather rip his own balls off with his teeth than say something nice about the city of Seattle," has trashed the officials.

We think the game was poorly officiated too, and it did seem to consistently go against the Seahawks, and though we don't think it was any kind of "fix," it's clear that the "bad officials" storyline is going to stick for a while. Some have said the outcry could lead to changes in the way the NFL structures its officiating, but they said that after the American League Championship Series in baseball too, and everyone's already forgotten about that.

What will be the lasting image of the game? Sadly, you know the NFL Films highlights will burn Jerome Bettis into our brain. We'll forget about the officials, because we'll forget about the game. Penalty flags, they just don't resonate through the decades, you know?

Audibles At The Line: Super Bowl [Football Outsiders]

Good afternoon. Congratulations Pittsburgh Steelers. I ve discovered a few things this weekend. One: It s just as tough to get into a Detroit homeless shelter without press credentials as it is, oh, the ESPN or Maxim party. And two, celebrities, in some cases, are more important during Super Bowl weekend than the actual players. And, also, that PR people are friendly to you as long as you play by their rules. If you don t, well, you re pretty much guaranteed a freeze-out — even if they acted like your friends for a little while.

But this post is mainly about celebrities and their almighty hold over the weekend. Why else would about 100 media members slog through the nasty weather to Michigan State Fairgrounds Field House on Saturday to watch people like Ludacris, Dylan McDermott and Jessica Alba race each other in go karts? Oh, right— for charity. However, I have no idea what the Cadillac Grand Prix go-kart race is even supporting for a charity. Maybe it s for homeless people? Or AIDS? I hoped it was an elaborate intervention set up for Pat O Brien, who they actually let race in the go-karts. In person, the man looks like a walking sexual harassment suit. He has that creepy uncle disposition nailed. And you can t not look at him without thinking of that horrifying cell phone message playing in a loop throughout your head.

Overall, the most interesting aspect of the celebrity go kart race was the media hierarchy in its absolute glory. There were two separate sections for media. On one side, in the VIP area, were the important ones — E! Entertainment Tonight, Extra!. Then there was the middle section, where I was, with outfits like Entertainment Tonight Canada, local Detroit Fox affiliates, Univision, Token Black network, etc. This was the Scrub Media center. While the VIP media were actually able to interact with the celebrities as soon as they came out of the tunnel, scrub media was set in the middle of the track behind bails of hay and a metal crowd gate. We were allowed to interview the celebrities as they walked passed us, just like any other red carpet event. And I was definitely the biggest scrub in Scrub Media. While everybody else had microphones, giant cameras with overhead lights and semi-attractive correspondents asking probing questions like "How do you like Detroit?" " What does this event mean to you?" and, my personal favorite, "Do you like riding in go-karts?" I stood between them with a refurbished JVC handheld video camera and JoJo, the salami football.

Read about the rest of the day after the jump, and enjoy this video.

It was amazing how serious Pat O Brien was taking this event. Before his race, he gave some of his co-racers the sideways handshake-one-armed-chest-bump-hug-combo that you see NBA players do right before tip-off. Actually, "Entourage" s Adrian Grenier spun his way out of the O Brien handshake. Brilliant, career-saving move by Grenier, in my opinion.

There were there different races with three different sets of celebrities; I d list all of them, but you know, check out Pete McEntegart s blog for all the rundowns of it. He was there. He even "reported" on it. I was more interested in trying to get as many photos/film footage of JoJo enjoying the race. These are my priorities.

Actually, here's a sports angle. Two football players were involved in the race: Kansas City Chiefs mammoth tight end Tony Gonzalez and New England Patriots defensive tackle Richard Seymour. They were both struggling to fit into their respective cars. And then there was Alba. Even though I d been promised a salami football toss with her just two short days ago, it was apparent that I wasn t getting anywhere near anybody on this day. (The Jimmy Kimmel green room hi-jinx pretty much put the kabosh on any one-on-one camera time with her or other "selected" celebrities, so I was told.) Once Alba came out, it was easy to see that most of the people there were angling for her; she was, I guess, the biggest star. The amazing thing was, she wasn t as stunning in person as I d imagined. In fact, she looked disappointingly normal. Still hot, obviously, but not the type of woman you bump into walls, or , in this case, bails of hay over.

But "My Name Is Earl" s Jamie Pressley? Well, holy salami footballs. Pressley was also suffering from some sort of throat malfunction which made her voice much raspier and shot her stock up six more points. She was the flag girl for two of the races. I watched her most of those two races. Interestingly enough, the other flag person for the race was Heisman winner Reggie Bush. I yelled "Go Texans!" to him while he was on stage, but he ignored me. He seemed very comfortable just to wave a flag. And then when the race started he waved the flag, spun around and attempted to lateral the flag away back to Jamie Pressley. It failed and killed all the momentum for the next race.

Sadly, the only acknowledgement of the salami came from Tony Gonzalez, whom I asked what he thought about the football salami right in the middle of the Scrub Media melee. He seemed a little confused by the question, as did the rest of Scrub Media. Thankfully, I have video of this — and it s well lit. Progress.

In short, a lot of people think that the Seahawks were robbed and that the NFL wanted the Steelers to win. We're not going to take sides on this, except to say that the league has only itself to blame for the controversy. When you micromanage an event as completely as the NFL has done this week — even down to editing the Rolling Stones' lyrics — you can't complain when fans assume that the game itself has been scripted. Let's hit the message boards and join the fun.

• Seahawks Sal message board. "Stolen, YES! Sour grapes, NO! what are we supposed to do, let the officials walk all over us like they have been for who knows how long?" (Caution: bad word in large, block letters).
• McMillen and Wife message board. A lively discussion as Seahawks fans crash the party and joust with Steelers faithful over the gentlemen in stripes.
• The NFL Is Fixed petition. Yeah, there's actually a petition to look into the officiating of Sunday's game, which already had 4,000 signatures by midnight. We signed it — but only because at first we thought it was a petition to save The George Lopez Show.
• The Onion Sports. Of course, The Onion predicted all of this days ago (scroll down to fifth item).

Way to go Steelers: Tonight, you shall truly drink like champions. You have earned it.

Blogdom's Best: Pittsburgh Steelers [Deadspin]

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—
0:00: And that'll do it: Roethlisberger takes a knee like a champion. Because he is.

0:10: Pretty much every Seahawks fan on the Web thinks this game was fixed. So you know. Not bad officiating: Fixed.

0:34: First down Seattle!

0:52: God bless Mike Holmgren: He's still hiding his mouth while calling plays. That's cute.

2:00: In Bettis' last carry of his career, he was tackled by his own offensive lineman. Poor Matt Hasselbeck; he has to throw the final interception that leads to the Cowher Gatorade Dump. For a guy who has been struck by lightning twice, it's a tough fate.

3:04: Bettis is gonna fumble. You watch. Wee!

3:41: Roethlisberger — on totally not a broken play — sneaks around for a first down, and this is all over but the shouting. Now it's time to just watch for the Gatorade dump. Here comes the Bettis shot ... yep!

3:51: Seahawks fans are losing it. "A blind 4-year-old rugby fan could officiate this game better than these jackasses." — Wilmore from Seahawks.net.

3:56: Jerome Bettis carry. We're all done here.

4:32: A brilliant call leads to a first down for the Steelers, and the Seahawks do a physical interpretation of their frustration by starting a fight. Even the ref was down there. He was givin' him the business down there!

6:07: Wait for it ... wait for it ... yes! There's the extended Jerome Bettis closeup.

6:20: Hasslebeck is nailed, sacked and beaten. Seahawks obligingly boot the punt in the end zone, and if we don't have a three-and-out here, this game is all sleepy-timed out.

7:13: You see, Matt Hasselbeck is so cool in this situation because he's completely bald. Last year, Donovan McNabb froze because he's only receding. Next time, Donovan, you'll make it all the way.

7:31: You can always count on Joe Jeravicius to knock some fucker's helmet off.

8:21: Hasselbeck is ruled to have fumbled, but on replays, we think it'll be turned back. He was touched on the way down, we think. If he's not ruled down, though, we are going to be too scared to check any more Seahawks message boards the rest of the night.

8:36: Honestly, the Steelers do that play every game, and the Seahawks are in SERIOUS trouble. This is what happens when every player on your roster played quarterback in college.

10:20: Every time we think we know what's going on in this game, we're proven wrong again. This game is like driving with our 13-year-old cousin who can't use the clutch right. Nice tackle by Hasselbeck, though.

12:09: And just like that, Hasselbeck is sacked by a fat man not named Jerome Bettis. We'll shush now.

13:01: The Seahawks rule. They have gone 90 yards on this drive ... wait! Crap! Holding penalty. We would like to note, though, that if Jerramy Stevens grabs the winning touchdown pass, he's totally winning the MVP, and we have to think that would be pretty fantastic.

15:00: Someone here just said, "Oh, shit, I don't think 'Grey's Anatomy' is starting on time.

From Seahawks.net message boards:

"A congressional investigation, the FBI ... I don't really care. Somebody's gotta stop this blatantly corrupt officiating. These f@&&ets are obviously fixin the game." — Netveteran

"Anyone notice all the segemnts with players and the trophy so far after 1 half 3 steelers talk about winning it, no seahawks. Odd with the officiating and the one sided segments maybe it really is fixed." — Leiser

"I bet if we could look closely we would see the penalty flags are actually terrible towel." — Inkdaub

The third quarter live blog begins after the jump.

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0:00: As we sneak into the fourth quarter, the Seahawks are seriously driving, the Steelers look tired and we might have ourselves a pretty badass finish. And you know what? We're drinking like a champion.

2:56: The Steelers are picking an incredibly unusual time to forget they're a running team. Honestly, other than the beginning of this half, the Seahawks have kind of been in control of this game. Unlike us, who is not even in control of the remote: Someone just went to check as see if the Puppy Bowl is still on.

4:37: Hey, why aren't any of the players' moving? Bad time for broadcast television lockjaw. The good news, we think it gave Bettis time to catch his breath. Speaking of which, this is the best exchange in Super Bowl broadcast history:

Madden: "What do you even need to take a guy's pants off to check? Do you even check a hamstring that way?"
Michaels: "Without a 20 second delay I would not even want to hazzard a guess."

6:10: Meanwhile, Steelers fans are eating their own. From ESPN's Steelers Forum:

Cowher is a complete idiot, why not go up by 14 and kickoff? — Str8_Money

6:20: We love Seahawks fans. From the message board:

WOOOOT!!! NP HERNDON!!!
m, — Firebee

Our sentiments exactly. And now it's three and out. And we're in crazy town now. Even the cat's watching the game.

6:43: And hey, Jerramy Stevens is apparently not as completely terrified as we thought; it's Steelers 14, Seahawks 10, out of absolutely nowhere. You remember that guy who had a heart attack during Bettis' fumble against the Colts? He just had two more.

7:18: And hey, look at that: It's a game again. Thank God. It was also fun to see Big Ben actually, you know, blocked on one of those turnovers. But yeah. Here we go.

7:53: Hell hath no fury like a Bill Cowher desperately sprinting down the sideline. It might have been funny if someone had pulled a Woody Hayes there.

That pregnant dinosaur from the Hummer ad looks exactly like Jerome Bettis. Good foresight on their part.

9:35: At this point, we're just begging Jerome Bettis not to score a touchdown. We don't think we can take it.

11:45: OK, this was awesome. The Budweiser Clydesdale ad went up, and half the room was screaming about "those fucking horses" and the other half was near tears. We're not telling you which side we were on.

11:45: Hasselbeck misses a third-down fade route. Josh Brown, who clearly is 12 years old, misses a field goal, and we have a sinking feeling something big could happen that could make this over very quickly.

Our self-esteem, however, is very high.

12:37: Jerramy Stevens drops an easy one. He was clearly still wetting himself from Joey Porter. Joey Porter! Joey Porter!

14:10: Before that Parker touchdown, ESPN.com was saying the Seahawks had the "upper hand. Whoops.

14:26: Holy crap. Willie Parker busts out like crazy — and the way the Steelers play, that might get him the MVP — and makes it Steelers 14, Seahawks 3. Remember when he was the big out-of-nowhere fantasy guy at the beginning of the year? Nice five months stretch for that fella.

15:00: We all know the best line, don't we? "We could have done this song at Super Bowl I, but good things come to those who wait." Tell us about it.

0:00: Field goal just missed. A completely bewildering first half. Your thoughts?

0:07: Someone here just said the phrase: "Matt's vectors are all off." Math is fun.

0:35: Hey, look, Donovan McNabb is calling plays for the Seahawks.

1:04: Nope. Sorry. He wasn't in bounds. It's fun to see Matt Hasselbeck fired up, though.

1:10: To repeat, in case you missed it, from Suzy Kobler earlier: "They had him behind towels so that they could pull down his pants and tape up his groin."

1:45: Roethlisberger leaps over the top, and sorry, Seattle fans: We think he's in. And we're right. What an unworthy 7-3 lead. Steelers 7, Seahawks 3.

2:00: The Seahawks save us much headache by mercifully stopping Jerome Bettis from scoring. Thank you, Seattle; thank you.

3:09: Hines Ward makes up for his drop with a goofy, backyard type of play that puts the Steelers at the Seahawks' three. Somehow, the Steelers could end up with the lead at halftime, which is extremely ominous for Seahawks fans. Meanwhile, the GoDaddy ad just made us long for the Dove ad, which is depressing us.

3:50: Grant Wistrom, not dressed up like this, makes a huge sack.

4:42: Jerome Bettis catches a pass. If there were ever a guy who should do the "ball-hidden-under-the-jersey" trick, it's obviously Bettis.

5:21: Roethlisberger is back to looking like this year's playoff version than last year's. We will say that we were absolutely shocked Hines Ward dropped that ball, though.

8:15: Antwaan Randle El just grossed out everyone in the room. He appears to be OK, though there was a brief "Holy shit, he'd dead moment." But you think that was gross? It was followed by Tim Allen (and Chris Berman!) in The Shaggy Dog. We think we just puked up our four-layer dip.

9:15: That was amazing: Every woman in here just had their self-esteem shoot up 76 percent. Thanks, Dove!

10:02: Terrible interception by Roethlisberger, who is, we feel obliged to point out, not drunk. But it's ugly out there in Steeler land; they're very fortunate to just be down 3-0.

11:19: Steelers finally get a first down. And then they get another one. And nothing will ever be funnier than when a monkey does an activity that is ordinarily reserved for humans.

12:03: Some extremely cool guy at the party we're at just read a poem about football from Harold Pinter. Here it is. We like that we're at a party where people are reading football poems, though we're not sure why.

12:34: Nobody spits water like Sweet Shawn Alexander.

13:35: We're still waiting for that big Joey Porter hit on Jerramy Stevens. Isn't he supposed to be really pissed? Where was he there?

That happened at 6:15 p.m.. After the jump, ze live blog begins. Refresh, obviously, for updates as they happen, or as quickly as we can type them.

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0:22: Seahawks put a field goal up for the first points of the game. That's more points than the Steelers have yards. Seahawks 3, Steelers 0. Someone just brought out something here with "four-layer dip." We thought that only came in seven-layers.

2:00: Penalties are killing the Seahawks, though we're not sure that was much of a pushoff. In fact, the more we look at it, the more we think it's a little weak. But nothing horrible.

4:03: The Steelers have had the ball for about 35 seconds so far. The fact that Jay Mohr is in a Diet Pepsi commercial makes it 100 percent certain we're never drinking Diet Pepsi again.

5:43: Another way we can tell we're at a Super Bowl party: Someone just made the first, "Jeez, there's no scoring. Score already! I'm bored."

6:00: You can tell from the Super Bowl graphics that Detroit makes cars. Vrroom-vrroom. Well, at least they used to make cars there. Tough holding call there.

9:31: We're obviously at a Super Bowl party, because someone just asked, "Hey, can they see that yellow line for the first down?" No. They can't.

10:46 left: Steelers look somewhat rattled. Quick punt. More commercials. Quick bet: Michael Ian Black has never watched a football game in his life.

12:25 left: Hasselbeck is sacked, and a tiny little drive there ends. Punt goes in the end zone, and hey, everybody, it's time for commercials. We like the idea of a bunch of people jumping on top of each other from trapezes to make a sandwich.

(It occurs to us that it might make more sense to, instead of saying the time of day, we might say how many minutes are left in the quarter. That's much more intuitive we think.)

6:29 p.m.: Kick off. It kind of looks like Troy Polamalu's hair is a little shorter, but that could be just him guarding Darrell Jackson closely.

The eye block in the dome. Necessary? Just asking.

6:23 p.m.: The crowd provides us with much glee by, somewhat inexplicably, booing the crap out of Tom Brady. We didn't see that coming, but we loved it, yes we did.

6:18 p.m.: It's common knowledge that Harrison Ford is stoned all the time, right? People know this, yes?

6:09 p.m.: From reader Derek Cordova: "If there was any doubt about the effects that playing football has on the body, no need to look any further than the MVPs as they were being announced in the pregame ceremonies. Judging by the stagger in their swagger, either they all have some debilitating leg and back injuries, or Joe Namath was challenging everyone to shots in a press box before the introductions." We think it was both.