Swimming's governing body actually passed down the ban on Friday, two days before the the World Championships began in Rome. No more full bodysuits that coat you in whale oil or whatever and no fancy materials that bend space time around your thighs. However, the ruling will not take effect until 2010, giving everyone just enough time to set dozens of new, unimaginable records before the ban renders them untouchable forever.

There were eight events on day one of the Championships on Sunday, and six of them ended with new world records being set. One of the records—which had belonged to eel-man hybrid Ian Thorpe for seven years—was beaten by Germany's Paul Biedermann, who bested his own qualifying time from one month ago by 6.5 seconds. Federica Pellegrini became the first woman ever to break four minutes in the 400 freestyle race. American Ariana Kukors was an alternate in the 200 individual medley, but set the fastest time ever when her teammate scratched from the race. That makes sense right?

The rest of the week should see dozens of more records fall, thanks mostly to the super-slippery, super-buoyant suits that have become standard issue equipment. Everyone is in agreement that many of these records could never have been reached without the aid of these newfangled suits, and once they're gone, those marks may never be reached again. (At least not for many, many years. Does that mean you should learn how to use the asterisk key on your typewriter machine? Or get on a plane to Italy to catch your last opportunity to witness a world record moment? This all assumes that you care about swimming records, of course, which you probably don't because Michael Phelps is not the one breaking them.

Oh, did I mention he's terrible now? He completely changed his stroke and only came in second in his heat. Probably because of the pot.

World Records Fall, and It's Only Day 1 [NY Times]
Are these worlds making a mockery of swimming? [AP]
Michael Phelps: Turning back the page [LA Times]
Speedo not happy with FINA ruling on suits [SF Chronicle]

That's not a misquote or some gotcha journalism, either. Sixty-five campers, all African-American or Hispanic, arrived at the Valley Swim Club in lovely Huntingdon Valley, where they were scheduled to make weekly trips for the summer. Some of the campers claim they were asked what they were doing at the club, but they still stayed for an hour and afterward, the club's president was "apologetic" for his members' whispers. Just a few days later, though, the campers' membership check was "refunded," which meant they were no longer welcome. Then came a statement from the club — not an out-of-context sound bite, mind you, but a poorly-worded, written defense:

"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club," John Duesler, President of The Valley Swim Club said in a statement.

To be fair, changing the grounds' atmosphere can mean a lot of things. For a small club, the blitz of 65 children might have been overwhelming. Or, the kids were minorities and everyone freaked out.

Naturally, the Daily Kos is all over the story, piecing together relevant excerpts from all of Philadelphia newspapers (they still exist!) and radio stations. But why read digital ink when you can read the local blog The New York Times linked to this morning?

The Valley Swim Club is a nice Sunday morning jog from my house, and the type of people who make up the membership are the ones who joined to get away from all the Negroes who might pollute the city pools. So this story is not surprising. What's surprising is how surprised everyone seems to be that this actually happened. Obviously they don't read black blogs. And they certainly don't keep up with the racism chasers. If they did, they would realize that we can't keep up. Racism is all over the place, and chasing it is becoming just too damn hard.

Holla at the folks at The Valley Swim Club and let them know that in the age of Obama even little Negroes should be able to swim in peace.

Word?

Montco swim club accused of racial discrimination [Philly Inquirer]
Pool Boots Kids Who Might "Change Complexion" [NBC Philadelphia]
Valley Swim Club: Day Two [Daily Kos]
I thought black folks couldn't swim [The Field Negro]

Okay, everyone undershot their answer. There are actually TWO times we care about swimming news:

(1) The Olympics

(2) If Michael Phelps grows that.

This wouldn't be a full-service sports blog if I omitted that the well-sculpted merman and American won the 200-meter butterfly at the Santa Clara Grand Prix last night with an impressive time of aw crap I already lost everyone's attention again.

Pool Manchu [Gawker]

* * * * *

So it's just you and me today. And that guy over there, who seems like he slept here last night. Just ignore him, even if he asks for spare change. We've got a lot of space to fill from now until the basketball game Enchantment Under The Sea Dance tonight, and I have a massive horde of word plays I've been saving for you guys. Show me your tips, and I'll find some beads for you in return. For those about to blog... FIRE!

I was going to ask Marty B about trying to get playing time behind Jason Witten. I was going to ask him about the Cowboys incredible collapse against Philly in Week 17. I was going to ask him if Tony Romo will always be a choker. But I didn't. Mainly I asked him about chicken and fat women. We even played a game of "Healthy Fat or Unhealthy Fat" with famous buxom women. And frankly, that sort of analysis is far more in line with my expertise.

But there's more. Oh, so much more. Some choice quotes from Marty B…

On history: "It all started with the hobos."

On working as a lifeguard: "I don't do CPR. Once I get you out of the water, you're on your own after that."

On his taste in women: "Black men… we like ASS."

On Reggie Bush's woman, Kim Kardashian: "The butt is fake… they inserted throw pillows."

On salmon: "Most black people don't even know what salmon looks like."

On his physique: "I won the azz contest… I deserve a Bowflex commercial."

On eating dog: "I had dog at a Chinese restaurant one time." (Marty B also tells the story of Filipino neighbors who once stole all the neighborhood dogs and barbecued them. THAT'S NOT VERY NEIGHBORLY.)

On Oprah: "(Oprah) got enough money where she could buy real hair… she got enough like Magic Johnson getting over AIDS. She got enough money where she could find the cure for hair growth."

On TO's lame Twitter: "TO has the lamest Twitter."

On dating: "I would go Dutch. Or French."

On dinosaurs: "WHO THE HELL KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE? NO ONE WAS AROUND! THEY MIGHTA SOUNDED LIKE DOGS."

Goddamn right, they might have. We also talk about why black people can't swim, ugly groupies, having a shark in your bedroom, Marty B's psychic abilities, and the size of the Jack in the Box drive thru menu, which really is fucking huge…

AND THAT'S JUST A SINGLE QUADRANT OF IT!

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Marty B's manager also wanted me to plug their series of social events called The Socialite, which I almost certainly would never be allowed into. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Marty B puts me on hold four times to talk to Marcus Spears. SPEARS!!!!!!!

/shakes fist

Two Wins for Phelps in Return to Racing [New York Times]

Phelps is in North Carolina today for the Charlotte Ultraswim, his first competitive event since he took all the gold medals from those dirty Chinee men. He will compete in five events, three of which he did not enter in Beijing. He'll even try a revolutionary new straight-arm stroke in the 100 freestyle, which is super fucking exciting, right?

Ok ... let's be honest. No one gives shit about swimming—not even Michael Phelps. Has anyone ever covered the Charlotte Ultraswim before today? Of course not. But Americans do like two things—winning gold medals and smoking the chronic. And business is good, thanks to Mr. Michael M.F.in' Phelps. That South Carolina bong was the best thing that ever happened to this sport. No one was actually upset or offended by it, but we'll pretend that we are because there's one other thing that we like ... redemption stories. And he couldn't come back, if he hadn't first have his tragic fall.

So put on your goggles and turn up the Ghostface, because things are about to get nuts. I wish I was in a pool right now!

Refreshed Phelps Set to Compete [Washington Post]
Swimmer Mary DeScenza Mounts Comeback After Missing Cut for Beijing [NY Times]
Re-inventing the best swimmer in the world [Swim Network]

Some people might consider this trashy tabloid journalism, but you know the source is credible because the paper interviewed her in a hot pink teddy. (Don't worry; she takes it off eventually. Links NSFW.) Theresa White claims she met Phelps at the club where she works as an exotic dancer and he invited her and a few friends back to his house for drinks and online poker. It was around then that she casually inquired about the menage a trois and thus began the three-hour, three-way sex romp. Everybody wins!

More highlights: According to Theresa, Phelps....

• Still loves the dope and got a little doughy during his suspension from the pool

• Is addicted to gambling and wants to become a pro poker player

• Is an emotional basketcase who cries like a baby "at the drop of a hat"

• Doesn't tip well and blows most of his strip club money on alcohol

• Is paranoid about cell phone cameras (Gee, I wonder why?)

• Huge mamma's boy, obvs

• Chews tobacco non-stop and has filled his house with spittoons. Amazing.

Anyway, aside from the spitting and the cheapness, Theresa says she would be happy to remain "sex buddies" with Mr. Phelps, but that his mother would not approve. I'm sure this interview will help smooth things over. Finally, props again to the News of the World (who broke the original Phelps pot-smoking story) for their phenomenal use of punnage that puts the New York Post and Daily News to (drug) shame.

"Medalled My Bongs" works on so many levels.

Michael Phelps had threesome with lapdancer Theresa White and stripper friend [News Of The World; some NSFW images]

Kellogg's, one of the many corporations to tell Phelps to get out and stay out as their spokesman after his love of bongs and frat parties hit the media, had to have somewhere to get rid of all the cereal boxes adorned with his likeness. Nicaragua is already teeming with Patriots 19-0 t-shirts; it's not taking the Frosted Flakes as well.

So suddenly boxes and boxes of the stuff began showing up at the San Francisco food bank, as columnist C.W. Nevius reports in his Chronicle column today.

Kellogg's isn't actually saying that it dumped the cereal boxes on food banks — a spokesman for the cereal company did not return a call — but it is a logical conclusion. For starters, said San Francisco Food Bank executive director Paul Ash, it has become unusual for companies to offer cereal. "It's a very tough item to get," Ash said. "In the last six or eight years, it's become very hard to get ahold of."

So Phelps' indiscriminate Mary Jane toking is curbing the munchies in major metropolitan areas?

Few seem troubled by Phelps' marijuana problems. "The boxes have kind of flown off the shelves," Ash said.

We would advise quickly disposing of the free toy surprise: The plastic crack pipe that is also a whistle.

Photo: San Francisco Chronicle.

Phelps' Loss Is Food Banks' Gain [San Francisco Chronicle]

I'm pretty sure that's synchronized swimming, which is an entirely different animal.

But on to the hazing:

The controversy stems from Senior Night activities on Feb. 6, considered a long-standing tradition with the Warrior swim team family. "The underclassmen go about the community, and they throw toilet paper on the trees. They'll hold onto them, put them in their car, drive them to the next location and then let them go." parent Steve Brew said.

"We'll run towards them and be like, 'Ha, got you.' So, it's basically, it's like a game of tag," explained senior swimmer Michael Brew.

More than a dozen seniors were suspended and a meet was canceled over this. What's going on in Illinois? What's described above is not hazing, and that picture is not swimming. And what high school has their swim season in February? I'm really asleep right now and I'm dreaming this, right?

Swimmers Hazed And Confused [MSNBC]

Figge left the Cape Verde Islands off the cost of Africa on January 12 and arrived in Trinidad last Thursday. That's about 2,500 miles in 24 days. It didn't take long for some of the hundreds of people using the internet to realize that depending on where you measure from, that's about 90 miles a day, at a pace of about 10 miles an hour. According to one tipster, the world record in the 1500m is about 3.5 m.p.h. Plus, Cape Verde is like 500 miles off the coast of Africa, so that's like a two-lengths of the pool head start.

And that's before you even hear Figge's side of the story. She only swam on 19 of the 24 days and on one of those days she only spent 21 minutes in the water. So it seems completely obvious to anyone paying attention that currents—and her accompanying sail boat—carried Figge a rather substantial portion of the route. But you wouldn't know that from reading the stories that appeared in many newspapers and websites, most of which did not include this choice quote:

""Nobody could swim across the Atlantic. It's physically impossible. It would take literally years."

That's her friend, who was steering the boat that accompanied her along the way. She never planned on swimming the full length and didn't come close to doing so. In other words, she didn't actually swim across Atlantic Ocean; she swam a long way while being in the Atlantic Ocean. But it sounds better the first way, so the AP (and others) just went with that. Nice work, boys.

56-year-old becomes first woman to swim Atlantic [AP]
Did she or didn't she? Questions over woman hailed as first to swim Atlantic [Guardian]
Aspen woman swims Atlantic - well, not quite [Rocky Mountain News]

You may say that the infamous News of the World photos don't actually prove anything, but you take those (what was he hitting, Aquafina?), and add Phelps' confession, plus eyewitness accounts that Phelps was "totally wasted all weekend," and you may just get a visit from Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott says he will charge Michael Phelps with a crime if he determines the Olympics hero smoked marijuana in Richland County. Phelps, who set a record with eight gold medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics, was photographed smoking a marijuana pipe at a November party in Columbia.

“This case is no different than any other case,” Lott said Monday. “This one might be a lot easier since we have photographs of someone using drugs and a partial confession. It’s a relatively easy case once we can determine where the crime occurred.”

Pot may not land you in jail where you come from, but you're in Richland County now, boy. Possession of marijuana is a misdemeanor, punishable by up to 30 days in jail or a $570 fine, plus court costs.

However, simply appearing like you're stoned in South Carolina? That's still okay. Such as.

Phelps Could Face Charges In SC [Inside Charm City]
Richland Sheriff Could Charge Phelps [The State]