Brian Castro, aforementioned Rays fan, is up against a criminal charge of selling counterfeit gear during Tampa Bay's run to the World Series last fall, and his future hinges on a jury's determination of whether these two starfish glints are too similar to be coincidental. What's the connection? The yellow starfish, if you weren't aware, is the Rays' official logo. The blue one is the irregularly shaped figure Castro allegedly peddled on T-shirts near Tropicana Field last October.

Castro denies selling the T-shirts. An officer claims he was offing them for $5 from a duffel bag. The officer had an MLB official with him, and he said it was an "exact replica" of the Rays' logo. Also, he's a police offer, and Castro is just a T-shirt designer. Now, in this great country of ours, Castro is facing up to a year in prison and a $1,000 fine.

You would think the Tampa Bay local fuzz would have something better to do, like try to police more violent crime. Here's an example: a man with a "really bad fake beard who they say robbed a bank Monday." Or a burglar who fled a crime scene and "was caught hiding in a nearby river." Or a man who "takes dog, returns dog, goes to jail."

Actually, maybe this case does make sense.

Man fights charge he sold counterfeit Tampa Bay shirts [St. Petersburg Times]

Ben Zobrist's at-bat music is a song called "The Tree," a Christian rock anthem by an artist who has been compared to — drumroll, please — Imogen Heap and Bjork. The artist describes the song as one "which breathes the imagery of God's sacrifice, speaks to the fact that, 'we are deserving of the wrath of the Almighty God, and He out of His mere good pleasure, delivered us from the way of thinking that our own goodness could justify us before Him.'" Got that?

But don't think too poorly of Zobrist's music taste. He's pretty much obligated to use the song, because his wife, Julianna Zobrist, is the singer.

"As soon as she put the CD out, I knew it was something I wanted to do," Ben said.

"I was so thrilled that he did," Julianna said. "It's hard to compete with all the great artists out there."

Good boy, Ben. Good boy.

Meet Julianna Zobrist, the Rays' rising pop star wife [Soundcheck]
Julianna Zobrist [MySpace]

*****

Welcome to this Saturday edition of Deadspin. I'll be your host for the festivities. Please don't panic.

Here's a fact you may not have been aware of: 2008 ALCS MVP Matt Garza was a teenage baby daddy. He got his girlfriend (now wife) pregnant when he was just 17 and their child was born days after his high school graduation. So he can totally relate to the daughter of a failed vice-presidential candidate who also had a bun in her underage oven courtesy of a sort of athletic boyfriend. BFFL!

I was not able to attend "The Event To Prevent" babies having babies—I lost my ticket—but Twitter provides all the emotional support I need. Garza admitted he was not prepared for his responsibilities and Bristol says being a mom is a 24-hour-a-day job, not counting the hours you spend giving TV interviews. So wait until you're a famous major league pitcher and then starting have all the sex, okay guys?

There is one question that's still unanswered, however: Who did Hayden Panettierre knock up?

Matt Garza Hooked Up With Bristol Palin Yesterday [Bugs and Cranks]

Gaddis, a former baseball writer for the Tampa Tribune who is now a freelancer (most recently covering the Tigers for MLive.com), started a personal blog over the weekend. First entry was a story about the late Geremi Gonzalez welcoming Adam Piatt to the Devil Rays with the old penis-in-a-hot-dog-bun gag.

But Gaddis had second thoughts and decided to take down the blog. Gaddis is a fine writer — I've been following him for a couple of years — and hopefully he'll be back working full time very soon. But this is indeed a sad day for penis joke lovers everywhere.

UPDATE: Blog is reactivated. Carry on.

Tampa Bay Baseball Outsider

Not likely, thanks to Real Clear Sports, which keeps track of such things in its annual Top 10 Erroneous Columns post. We mentioned this in Morning Blogdome, but think it needs to be emphasized. Moore's little gem, which appeared on April 26, came in at No. 4 (applause), and also included the graph: Matt Ryan? Not a brutal pick for the Falcons at No. 3 overall in the NFL draft on Saturday, but it was far from brilliant. Mediocre comes to mind, and so does this thought: If Michael Vick wasn’t officially gone before as the face of the Falcons, he is now.

Ha. We also have Scoop Jackson at No. 7, with his immortal "Kobe Bryant will not win the MVP," Ashley Fox of the Philadelphia Inquirer at No. 6 for "McNabb's Reign In Philly Is Likely Over," and one of my all-time favorites, at No. 3, from Mike Vaccaro of the New York Post:

"It would be a hell of a story, the Rays finishing ahead of the Red Sox, ahead of the Yankees. A hell of a baseball story. A hell of a Cinderella story. Too bad it isn't going to happen ... It's just not logical to assume they can keep it up for eight more weeks while fighting off these two teams. It's not practical ... They are a good story. Easy to root for. And...just a week or two away from seeing a couple of blurs zip by them in the passing lane."

No. 2 is the most hilarious of all, and the author of No. 1 will not surprise you, being that it's Jay Mariotti.

Writers go out on limb like this, of course, because it makes them sound smart and decisive, and they figure no one is going to keep the paper around long enough to check on their accuracy. But then along came the Internets, and hilarity ensued. One of my favorite tragic columnist predictions actually occurred on the radio, however. It was November of 1995, when the 49ers were about to play the Cowboys in Irving. Steve Young was out with multiple bruisings, which meant that the estimable Elvis Grbac would be starting at quarterback for the 49ers.

That Friday, San Francisco Chronicle columnist Ira Miller was a guest on KNBR radio, and when asked what the Niners' chances were of winning, replied, "Zero." Host Ralph Barbieri wondered how an NFL team could be given no chance. "How about one percent?" he asked. "No," replied Miller, emphatically. "They have absolutely no chance of winning this game. None."

Of course the 49ers led 31-7 at halftime and won, 38-20. And I so I learned never to predict anything in any form other than smoke signals or disappearing ink. The SI cover below is for you, Ira, wherever you are.

Top 10 Erroneous Column Predictions Of 2008 [Real Clear Sports]

* * *

Top 9th

3 4

9:58 — Ladies and gentlemen, Lidge-O-Matic. Us did it!

9:56 — Zobrist lines out to right. Help us, Obi-Wan Hinske, you're Tampa's only hope.

9:54 — Perez beats the throw to second by a rain delay. He must've gotten a football scholarship to the SEC.

9:52 — Dioner Navarro bloops in Philadelphia's soup to prolong the inning, and the pudge-free Fernando Perez will be your pinch runner.

9:50 — "Evan can wait" for a Rays championship some other year. GET IT? One out.

9:48 — Brad Lidge. Comeback player. Doesn't blow saves. World Series championship. BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY.

Bottom 8th

3 4

9:45 — New, from Ryan Howard Industries, it's the Whiff-O-Matic. Buy one now, operators are standing by!

9:43 — Dude, quit trying, Chasey boy. You're making the rest of us look bad. A straight steal of second goofs up the shift for Ryan Howard a bit.

9:41 — Chase Utley's two-out walk delays the conclusion of this game yet again.

9:37 — Joe Maddon will now hope David Price pitches so well that a run comes off the scoreboard.

Eighth Inning Stretch Entertainment

So a guy hacks a marriage proposal to his girlfriend in the game Chrono Trigger. I question the legitimacy of this video, since I know for a fact no girl has ever played that game. In fact, I'll go even further to say that any guy who's ever played Chrono Trigger will not go on to see a real-life vagina within 18 to 36 months.

Top 8th

9:33 — Okay, Peña, just like you practiced in BP. Hit a fly ball right to The Apostle.

9:29 — Hey, never mind. Upton unhustly grounds into a double play.

9:27 — The WHIP sure goes up after a rain delay. Crawford singles a single.

Bottom 7th

3 4

9:23 — Extremely less impressive fielding by Aki. But good enough.

9:22 — Iwamura is now 45 percent atoned for his basket catch blunder. The force out is at second, and there be two out.

9:20 — Ground it through the unnecessarily zoomed-in infielders, Pedro Feliz. It's another lead for Philly Balboas.

9:19 — Success-rifice. Bruntlett legs it to third.

9:18 — Ah, he wasn't happy that Vicorino's right foot was out of the batter's box on the bunt attempt.

9:17 — If Joe Maddon jumped off a bridge, so would Charlie Manuel.

9:17 — Joe Maddon comes onto the field to recommend to Jeff Kellogg the Hotel DuPont in Wilmington, Delaware. Why else the hell would he go onto the field?

9:14 — The magic of bearded running mercenaries. Eric Bruntlett will play the role of Pat Burrell's happy feet and Chad Bradford will assume the sidewinding position.

9:12 — Burrell doubles off the rim of the field. Philly fans are cheering over the successful rimjob.

Top 7th

9:10 — On the replay, the third base coach actually was waving El Barto home. So the grown man was actually fooled.

9:07 — Chase Utley, you decoying motherlover. The pump fake to first on Iwamura's grounder entraps Bartlett to round third and head home. Rick Sutcliffe notes that Utley was "doing his best Derek Jeter impersonation." Which means he's having a four-way in the clubhouse between innings.

9:03 — Ryan Madson won't stay alive to see this inning. So, who's up for three innings of Brad Lidge?

9:02 — I rescind my previous cynicism.

9:01 — Well, this isn't a good idea. J.P. Howell squares up to bunt.

9:01 — Bartlett singles to left. Ha, Dave O'Brien. "He's now 1-for-3 tonight."

9:00 — Rocco ties it up with a solo blast to left field, and it's another tie. All right boys, cover the field, let's come back Saturday and finish the seventh inning then.

8:59 — Case Study #319 why Dioner Navarro makes a piss poor leadoff hitter. Strike three, one out.

Bottom 6th

2 3

8:55 — They say every fly ball Ryan Howard hits in CBP is a home run. We found the rare one that stays in the park and, rarer still, is caught by a Rays infielder.

8:54 — Werth doesn't know how to play "Red Light Green Light" at all. He just outruns the pickoff. Also, Chase Utley struck out.

8:50 — Going to your bullpen after three batters. Tsk tsk tsk. Have you learned nothing from Dusty Baker's Usenet mailing list?

8:46 — Please remove the basket from Iwamura's ten-speed if he can't make catches over his shoulders. Werth's pop-up drops down and Pinchy scores the go-ahead run. Grant Balfour will now be replace, but hey, he lasted an incredible 46 hours pitching, tying Christy Mathewson's record.

8:43 — Rollins with the ol' Sacagawea bunt down to third. Golden.

8:42 — GEEE-OFFFFFFF ... JENNNNNKINNNNNNNS. A "leadoff" double to the right field warning track.

Pregame

8:41 — So, next time they play Philadelphia, Tampa should just stay at the Hotel DuPont in Wilmington. Said Joe Maddon of the lodging, "Quite frankly, it’s one of the nicest hotels we’ve stayed in all year. I got to my room last night and I couldn’t believe it. If you’re going to have to have a postponement, you might as well stay here.”

8:38 — Geoff Jenkins. There's your pinch hitter man.

8:32 — Please don't show highlights of how we got to this point. Unless it's footage of the Rays' traveling secretary trying to find a hotel. I will gladly watch that on a loop, freezing the video at the exact moment he realizes he's fired.

8:31 — So, about the actual game. Philly's going to bat with the No. 9 batter coming up. The Phillies have had almost 48 hours to announce a pinch hitter for Cole Hamels and they haven't done it yet.

Pre-Game Babble

It's been over 70 hours since the last time a baseball game finished, which means my interest for baseball wavers somewhere between billiards and cup stacking. Granted, there were huge chunks of time, at night, where I was just asleep for hours. And when the game starts, my interest will probably sploink back in like a dislocated shoulder. And in any other year, in any other situation, I'd be gunnin' for a Tampa comeback. But it's almost October and like Dante Hicks, I'm not even supposed to be here today.

To remember the last rain delayed World Series game, you'll have to go back to 1502, when it wasn't called the World Series, but rather the Spanish Inquisition, and they didn't use bases or baseballs or rosin bags. (But there were baseball bats.) The MVP that year? Jamie Moyer.

Depending on whether you agree with NBC Sports' Mike Celizic's opinion of Bud Selig or the thesis of considerably more hatless Jeff Passan's article, this was a difficult situation made worse. But imagine if it was a Game 7 washed out due to rain in a 10th inning deadlock. Maybe Selig says both teams win. Or maybe, like a NASCAR race or U.S. Open playoff tiebreaker, you get the fucking rest of the game out of the way during the day. But no, they had to neatly file the T-ball-length game right after Senator Obama selling Ronco Veg-O-Matics to the middle class. But wait, there's more! If Tampa wins tonight and Game 6, we'll have yet another Series tickle its way into November. Order now and you'll also receive a set of Ginsu kitchen knives, free of charge.

PLUS, you'll get TuesMonday night's bingo card, because I'm too lazy and apathetic to drum up a new one just for 21 outs of baseball. So let's finish this bitch.

• Oates Steps In To Sing Anthem For Hall. Most surely all you fans of I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) and Maneater were aware that the guy singing the National Anthem prior to Game 5 of the World Series on Monday was not Daryl Hall, as was advertised, but instead John Oates. What was up with this pop rock bait and switch? Hall came down with the flu on Monday morning, so Oates, one half of the hit band Hall and Oates, received a frantic call from their manager around 8 a.m. at his home in Aspen. Hall courageously packed his bags and hurried to catch a flight to Philadelphia, making it to the game just ahead of a breathless, sweating William Hung. [MLB.com]

• The Diced Tomatoes Of Wrath. Witness the shame and outrage suffered by Washington Times blogger Tim Lemke, who arrived at his neighborhood Taco Bell on Tuesday all set to receive his free taco in the MLB's Steal a Base, Steal a Taco promotion, only to be rebuffed. "The restaurant chain said it would give out the tacos between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. today. So this afternoon, I drove myself down to the Taco Bell at the corner of Bladensburg and New York Avenue in Northeast D.C. And I did not receive a free taco." [Washington Times]

• Rays Fans Take More Abuse. Rays fans are taking a lot of heat for their bandwagonish cheering ways, most of it unjustified in my opinion. But when Jeff Foxworthy appears on the Jumbotron at Tropicana, you realize that the critics may have a point. [The Sports Culture]

• Guests Of The Philadelphia Phillies Stay At The Luxurious Hotel Du Pont. Rays forced to change accommodations following Monday's the rain delay, and from the looks of things it is one wild, neverending party over there. Maddon ordered a regular coffee, said Megan Parks, who works at the Brew HaHa near the hotel lobby. His bench coach, Dave Martinez, got a vanilla latte. [Delaware Online]

• Breaking News: The Rain Delay Debacle Is Dan Uggla's Fault. "If Dan Uggla hadn't spent the All-Star Game going 0 for 4 (three strikeouts, one GIDP) w/ 3 errors afield, the N.L. likely would've won that game and clinched home field for the World Series. That would've meant that Games 3, 4, 5 would've been in the Cowbell Cantina, et cetera, et cetera ... and right now, they'd be jumpin' 'round on the spongy Trop infield before giving Pat Burrell a champagne shower and then sending him out into the free-agent market so that he could sign with Detroit." [Ground Rule Triple]

• OK, Even I Know That This Is Terribly Wrong. A T-shirt of highly questionable appeal. [Via NYsportsSpace]

It seems that Carnival Cruise Lines has spent months planning a huge event in downtown Philadelphia set for Sunday; in which an enormous, six-story piñata was scheduled to be suspended above 20th and Market and then broken apart to shower the good citizens of Philly with more than 800 pounds of delicious candy (I see no way this can go wrong).

But on Tuesday, Carnival sent out a news release revealing that the site of the piñata demolition would be moved. The release, via Philly Edge:

Due to the exciting World Series run by the Philadelphia Phillies, the city has requested that the location for this event be changed. It will now be held in South Philadelphia, at South Broad Street and Washington Avenue, from 12:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. The piñata will be destroyed at approximately 1:30 p.m.

Obviously the city is looking ahead to a possible victory parade, and doesn't want the Phillie motorcade to butt up against piñata pandemonium at this key downtown intersection. Also, releasing Joe Blanton amongst 800 pounds of candy cannot be considered a good idea.

By the way, last Sunday Carnival Cruise unleashed a giant beach ball that horribly crushed delighted hundreds in downtown Dallas. I'm really looking forward to seeing the six-story sexual aid in San Francisco in December.

(Possible) Phillies World Series Parade This Weekend Displaces Giant Piñata Opening [Philly Edge]

From the Courier-Post:

“That (expletive deleted) guy,” one pitcher said as he saw commissioner Bud Selig before walking out the back door of the clubhouse. “I wouldn’t let him supervise one of my (bowel movements). He has no clue. Not one (expletive deleted) clue.”

“(Expletive deleted),” one position player said in the direction of one television pausing only for a moment before leaving. “He’s a moron. How stupid can one person be?”

Speculate away, Phillies fans. But while you're sleuthing, contemplate this: Has there been a more beleaguered baseball commissioner than Selig? I liken him these days to Alan Greenspan, the former Fed chairman who recently admitted that he screwed up royally in the years leading to the country's financial meltdown. But Foul Balls does me one better, likening our Bud to E.B. Farnum, the sweaty-palmed, rodent-like hotel manager/mayor of the HBO series Deadwood. My only regret is that Swearengen is not around to keep him in line.

The Angriest Place On Earth [Courier-Post]

Here's what they're saying out in the ether about the whole carnsarned mess ...

• Phillies/Rays World Series Game Five Will Forever Be Remembered As Raingate, Unless . . . . Whoever made the decisions clearly wanted the game to be called without the Phillies in the lead. And even if it wasn't a conscious decision, it sure seemed that way to the 45,000 fans at Citizens Bank Park. Why were we left to drown in 40 degree weather when our team was up at the end of regulation play? Why was our ace forced to take the mound again when no human being could possibly control what happened with the ball? Why wasn't the game called when it was clear that the weather was only getting worse? No doubt 45,000 fans thought it was to make sure that there was no possible argument that the World Series should go to the Phillies since they were leading after regulation. By tomorrow morning, the rage in those fans and the rest of the Phillies Nation will be enormous. Bud Selig better not show his face in any public place in Philadelphia in the near future. [The Good Phight]

• That Just Happened. If there was ever a time for Carlos Pena and Evan Longoria to get their first three combined hits, it was tonight. Despite poor umpiring and awful conditions somehow 3-4-5 in the Rays lineup came through for just enough to push this game back for who knows how long. I don't know how B.J. Upton beat both throws while running on mud, but my goodness he is awesome. [DRays Bay]

• This Ugly Series Is Anything But Classic. Basically the Rays dodged a major bullet. Hamels, who is due up in the sixth when the game resumes, is likely done for the season, his magical run washed out by a freak of Mother Nature. And if anybody doesn’t think the Rays are going to A.) win this game when it resumes and B.) possibly take the whole thing, obviously you’ve never seen a Disney sports movie. [Bugs And Cranks]

• Game 5 Postponed At 2-2 Tie. Frankly, this is a black eye for baseball, and especially for Selig, who has once again proved incompetent as leader of this organization. The game should’ve been stopped before the sixth. Throw out the rulebook. This is the World Series. And it’s ridiculous — absolutely freakin’ ridiculous that this whole charade took place so late. [Phillies Nation]

• Play Called Until Tuesday With Score Knotted 2-2. An unfortunate turn of events, but it needed to be called when it was. Fans may not want to hear it, but with a 3-1 series lead, a great pen and 12 outs to play with, the Phils are still in decent shape to wrap it up in five. That's what this team must remember when they step back on the field tomorrow against a Tampa team that was basically given CPR by Mother Nature and Major League Baseball. But of course, the forecast for tomorrow is even worse. [Beer Leaguer]

• Phillies Fans Prematurely Planning Victory Parade. Sure, after a rather convincing win in game 4, the Phillies are on the verge. And while nothing’s over till it’s over (if the Rays hitters decide to show up, they may come back), the world is already bracing for the (seemingly) inevitable. In fact, people are already making plans for the parade: “phillies parade” is the #6 search term being googled in the country. [UmpBump]

Photo: Philadelphia Daily News

But the Phillies couldn't win the World Series on the count of a rain-shortened game. That wouldn't be right.

The remarkable thing about this evening is that, for whatever reason, the driving rain, swirling win and puddles on the infield for two-plus innings seemed nonexistent to Major League Baseball. I think during the bottom of the fifth inning, the grounds crew actually covered second base with an old bag of the stinky sawdust stuff elementary school janitors use to clean up kiddie vomit. The whole night had a tense, eerie feel to it. Something wasn't right. My father was cranky from the opening pitch because the people in the first three rows were standing up waving rally towels.

"Down in front!" he yelled, oh, ten times.

(Who says that anymore?)

"You know, this is the World Series. Why don't you just stand up?" I said.

"Well, I cant' see!"

We did this routine twice.

So, now, he says he's not going tomorrow, after shivering in the standing room only section for 90 minutes which we retreated to around the top of the third because the rain made it impossible to see anything from our top tier seats.

I hope he changes his mind. I want my Mitch Albom moment, dammit.

The other most disappointing thing to happen this evening was the fact that Sussman''s live blog didn't show "This Week In Baseball" reruns on Hulu during the rain delay. He's so fucking fired.

Now I'm going to go dry off and try to figure out what sort of emotion to approach the day with tomorrow. I'm leaning towards pensive.

See you tomorrow...

Reign Delayed [Philly.com]

* * *

11:08 — SportsNet's rain delay programming: The fifth inning of Game 3. So to share the experience:

BOTTOM OF FIFTH INNING

11:40 - Fieldin Culbreth or Crispin Glover: better name?

11:41 - Matt Garza or Crispin Glover: crazier SOB after that walk to Ruiz?

11:42 - Jamie Moyer or Crispin Glover: worse bunter?

11:44 - Jimmy Rollins lines to second... crispinly? Crispinly.

11:48 - Gabe Gross makes the third out. A car/shoe commercial comes on. Again, we have to ask: who is that for? Phillies 2-1.

By the way, the game has been legal for a half-inning. Bud's one helluva weatherman. Between Strikin/Walkin/Fieldin Fieldin and everyone's hurry to get back to their warm beds, this game could be ov...

Rain Delay Entertainment

I don't know what your goofy American pig-dog infidel network channels are showing; Canada's SportsNet is giving us — you better be sitting down for this — hockey highlights. So for my Yankee brethren, here's one of the best episodes of NewsRadio:

Rain Delay

10:44 — Know what this broadcast needs? 'Til Death reruns.

10:41 — Good. Now that it's tied, we can stop play.

Top 6th

10:39 — Longo only pawn in game of life. His fly to center finishes the sixth.

10:38 — Peña is legitimately in the groove with another hit. Upton canoes his way to home, and it's a tie game. We're going to a Game 8!

10:37 — Those white towels the fans are waving couldn't be damper if they were held under John Kruk's armpits after an 8-hour workday.

10:35 — Yes, that's two Willy Wonka references tonight. Room service didn't include dessert.

10:33 — That diamond is turning liquid so fast, it's killing Augustus Gloop that he can't run out and start drinking the infield.

10:31 — GROUND TO SHORT AGAIN. Only this time, Rollins can't dry the ball with a Persian towel, pirouette and toss to first quickly enough.

10:29 — Crawford's grounder skips three times. Make a wish. Sorry, you're still out.

10:28 — Oh look, beisbol! Iwamura falls victim to the infield strikeout rule.

10:24 — O'Brien lays it down like this: if they can't finish the game, they could technically call the game for the Phillies and they would win the championship. The last time a title was clinched so anticlimactically was the 1941 Quidditch World Cup finals when they realized the Belgian seeker had inadvertently swallowed the Golden Snitch a half hour ago.

Right after the innin', Maddon barks at the first base ump asking why there was no infield fly rule called after the 1-out pop-up. You know what guys, I'm starting to believe the officiating in this Series is slightly scattershot.

Bottom 5th

1 2

10:19 — Pop that bitch up, Ruiz. Peña labors a ton on tracking that ball in the rain. Or he's doing his best Stuart Scott impression. NOT FUNNY, CARLOS. HE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS EYE.

10:17 — Tastee Feliz pops up to Iwamura. In any other ballpark, that ball doesn't get rained on, because they'd have delayed the game by now.

10:15 — Victorino doesn't slip. He surfs out of the box. Crawford doesn't slip to make the catch. He teamglides toward it.

10:12 — This has to be comforting for Rays fans. Grant Balfour couldn't find the pitching mound rubber. The umpire kicked the dirt away for him. Leave him alone, it's his first day.

10:10 — Ah, they've solved the rain crisis. They're just going to rake the mud around in the infield, so as to not leave a single drop of dirt unquenched. Uniform slippage. Resume play.

10:06 — All right then. Kazzamatazz's sixth walk forces Flappy Maddon to switch him with a guy whose last name in no way insinuates walks will continue: Grant Balfour.

10:06 — Burrell fouls ANOTHER one into the stands. In any other ballpark, that's a touchback.

10:03 — Hold on, time out. Let's see if it stops raining. No? Things are just getting muddier and more dangerous for pitching and running and fieldering? All right, it's not stopping. Play ball!

9:59 — Ball four. Walk with p-r-r-r-r-ide, Mr. Howard.

Top 5th

9:56 — Kazmir settles in and strikes out.

9:55 — Forget all errors. Did Utley tag Rocco? Did his throw to first get Jason Bartlett out? The answer is yes, yes to both, now stop asking questions, how did you get into my room?

9:53 — Baldelli's skying pop into the stratosphere ricochets off the ghost of Tug McGraw and discombobulates Rollins into dropping the ball. But Sutcliffe is haranguing Baldelli for not being on second base. Yes. This whole play was his fault.

Bottom 4th

1 2

9:49 — Utley (ŭt'-lē) adv.: 1. Of or pertaining to batting with two outs and the bases loaded. 2. Of or pertaining to hitting a ground ball into the shift. 3. Of or pertaining to things that pertain to or are of other things.

9:46 — Werth. Walk to first. NOW.

9:45 — Hamels stands on second, flexing that left hand that suffered the bunt foul. So far, no trainers have gone out to look at him. He should be fine. Until his first fastball of the top of the inning brings his thumb to home plate.

9:42 — Or, walk Rollins. Whatever works for you.

9:37 — Hamels fails to bunt by breaking his finger (according to Sutcliffe's gut instinct), then fails to bunt by not convincing Kazmir to throw to first instead of second. Plural Skywalkers is standing on first with the comfy red jacket.

9:37 — Ruiz is getting the most of that .219 average with a solid single. M-V-P! M-V-P!

9:35 — Feliz's strikeout puts Kazmir into a new category: "nuzzled in."

9:34 — I can tell from the comments that for some reason, the word "windage" was used in the Fox broadcast. To which I say: BWAHAHAHAHA, eh? [sips cup of gravy]

Top 4th

9:31 — Groundout to short? You're soaking in it, Navarro! It's also a double play, so enjoy the one run you scored this half inning. Like Everlasting Gobstoppers, everybody gets one and one is enough for everybody. (Caveat: Philly gets two.)

9:28 — Double super whopper doppler jinx. Longoria gets HIS first hit and RBis in Tilde Deux.

9:27 — Jinxed by the '11 duo of Fred Snodgrass and Red Murray! Peña finally nails a hit from the cleanup spot. It's of the two-base genre.

9:26 — Amazingly fun fact: The Rays are the first World Series team since the 1911 New York Giants to go hitless in the 3- and 4-spots of the lineup.

9:24 — Christ, even Pavlov's dog couldn't be trained to hit this many balls to shortstop. One out

Bottom 3rd

0 2

9:23 — Kazlo Toth is 64 percent "settled in," 22 percent "dialed in," and 14 percent "undecided." A nice clean inning for the losing-so-far pitcher.

9:19 — Yet another reason turf drools and grass rules. The camera implanted between the mound and home plate couldn't be used in Tropicana Field. And MLB didn't like Tampa's idea of strapping a camera to an invisible garden gnome.

Top 3rd

9:16 — Iwamura singles but is lonely at first. Crawford fixes that by getting out, and Aki can now spend time with his friends in the dugout! Yay!

9:14 — Dave O'Brien explains to the international fans why the pitcher bats in the National League but doesn't in the American League. It's simple stuff like this they talk about which leads me to conclude all of our girlfriends should be watching the international feed.

9:14 — Scott Kazmir steps to the plate and ... hahahahaha. [wipes eye] HAHAHAHAHA.

9:13 — Every Tampa Bay batter seems to ground it to shortstop, resembling 90 percent of my golf swings.

Bottom 2nd

0 2

9:08 — Longoria's hatflaps drown out the traumatic "Eva" chant from the other night snags Utley's pop up to finish out the second.

9:06 — Kazmir fails to get his team back in the game by allowing three straight solo home runs and instead records two straight outs at the expense of Hamels and Rollins Mr. Butterwerth, on the other hand, extends the inning with a base crack to left.

Top 2nd

8:59 — Baldelli pops to second, which in any other ballpark is a foul ball straight back.

8:58 — Navarro sees twice the pitches thrown to Carlos and Evan combined, and as an unrelated reward walks to first.

8:55 — Secret lineup plan: THWARTED. Hamels spotted Peña and Longoria hiding in their new lineup cubbyholes, and outs both.

Bottom 1st

0 2

8:51 — Just one more time when the Phillies leave the bases loaded. The unscored runs will be transformed into nutrient-rich goo to sustain the life of Don Zimmer.

8:50 — Another hit off Kazn't. Feliz turns the partially loaded bases into fully loaded bases with a base jab.

8:49 — Aloha means "two RBI single to left field." No idea how the natives keep track of all that word's definitions.

8:45 — Burrell Ives is also hitless in this Series, which is an example of how beneficial it is to just have good teammates who can do the work for you. Remaining hitless, he walks on a strike that is not a strike. Have they evened out all the bad calls yet? If you look at the number of lucky breaks on both sides, the tallies might resemble a double-overtime WAC football game.

8:44 — Ryan Howard strikes out instead of solo homering. Advantage: Philly.

8:41 — Wait. Wait. WAIT. MLB International's Key to the Game: "GIVE UP A SOLO HR." They have different rules in South Africa, evidently. Instead of following Sutcliffe's advice to Werth and Utley, Kazmir instead lets them both reach base.

8:39 — Punishment for assuming the umpire has a consistent strike zone: full count flyout. Jimmy Rollins learns a hard lesson on an all new Full House.

8:38 — Either Navarro's glove is broken or he drank too much SUUUUuuUUuuuUUUURGE.

Top 1st

8:33 — Upton just plum grounds out. No error or lack of hustle.

8:32 — Crawford, sucked up by the hustle black hole of the No. 2 spot, doesn't get a burst out of the batter's box and therefore can outrun Jimmy Rollinsberger's bobble.

8:31 — Aki-Iwa flies out to deep left. In any other park, that's a pop-up to third.

Telecast

8:29 — On the international feed they have all the players say their name, position, and country of origin. Can you guess what Shane Victorino says, for 10 Gawkerpoints? (Hint: It has to do with an island.)

8:29 — Yes, if you haven't noticed, they moved Upton/Peña/Longoria down one spot each. This will fix everything and throw off Hamels.

8:27 — Room service. Baked lasagna. Outstanding stuff. It's as if they cooked them using Garfield's tears.

8:23 — The first pitch is thrown out by former Philly pitcher and current Kentucky senator Jim Bunning. It bounces in front of home plate, but nevertheless Carlos Peña missed it by several feet.

8:19 — Or IS Rick Sutcliffe better? I know what he meant, but: "I think whoever wins tonight will win the World Series." Moreover, the key to tonight's game: runs.

8:14 — Look! It's Hall & Oates' better half! They got John Oates to sing the national anthem because they really really really want it to be 1980 again. That way, Tampa Bay will instantly vanish and the Philbins will win by default. Too bad tonight wasn't 3D Specs Night.

8:13 — All the hope in the history of the franchise is on Scott Kazmir He's the "all time franchise leader in wins IP strikeouts, quality starts, and ERA." Somewhere, Tanyon Sturtze throws a bottle at his TV. Fun fact: the TV used to own to Ryan Rupe.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Philadelphia: 8-1
Tampa Bay: 2-4

Philadelphia
1. SS Jimmy "Jelly Roll" Rollins
2. RF Jayson "Spellcheck Hates Me" Werth
3. 2B Chase "Gritmill" Utley
4. 1B Ryan "Slumpwich" Howard
5. LF Pat "Free Agent" Burrell
6. CF Shane "Hustlepineapple" Victorino
7. 3B Pedro "Not Hawaiian" Feliz
8. C Carlos "Not Darren Daulton" Ruiz
9. P Cole Hamels, which when pronounced backwards, is Hebrew for "unicorn sperm."

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Sprouts" Iwamura
2. LF Carl "Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo" Crawford
3. CF B.J. "Dillydally" Upton
4. 1B Carlos "You're Ruining Christmas" Peña
5. 3B Evan "Slumpwich" Longoria
6. C Dioner "Lotus Crouch" Navarro
7. RF Rocco "Golgi Bodies" Baldelli
8. SS Jason "Gopher" Bartlett
9. P Scott Kazmir, who will no doubt be pulled if they have a 7-0 lead in the 5th inning

Pre-Game Babble

I've done it. I've figured out the secret to keeping one's sanity.

1. Move to Canada.
2. Watch World Series
Result: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are no longer on your screen.

What they don't tell you is that the announcing tandem of Buck and McCarver is this nation's punishment for all the bad things they've done, from legalizing abortion to letting women vote. The rest of the nations of this world, however, instead watch the game through the MLB International Feed, where the broadcasters are the much more tolerable Dave O'Brien and Rick Sutcliffe. Moreover, there's no Caliendo! No drinkability! No Routan Boom! So while the rest of you diligent readers and commenters are jamming bananas into your ears, I'll be heading over and O'Briening/Sutcliffing that thing for tonight.

Which brings us to a new and strange Bingo Dilemma. Should the game sheet be used for Buck and McCarver? Should it be for O'Brien and Sutcliffe? Or should it be for both? While I was sitting back in my beanbag loveseat, I pondered these questions, then remembered that I made the game so I make the rules.

Therefore the quest is yours and yours alone to fill out the sheet.

By the way, how about giving a 24-hour delay standing ovation to Brave Sir Tuffy for live blogging Games 3 and 4 while I was trekking to Canada? Somehow they were fantastic despite the fact that I didn't understand half of what he said. It was the live blog equivalent of the The Electric Company.

Children were cursed at, and one 9-year-old boy had beer poured on him. A Rays family member stayed locked in a bathroom stall because, he said, Phillies fans were banging on the walls and threatening him.

Granted, this could have possibly happened with a few testy individuals, all hopped-up on being hard-asses and living up to a Philly reputation and all that, but, honestly, I find it hard to believe a Rays family member stayed locked in a bathroom stall because he was afraid the Phillies fans would maim him. What is this "The Strangers"? If they were banging on the door it's probably because he was taking too long, which is a common occurrence at any sporting event regardless of what jersey you're wearing. Just whip it out and rip it out, fella — you should know these rules by now.

But, seriously, Romano, if these things did happen — and, look, I'm sure there's a sliver of truth somewhere in this story — you don't need to condemn the whole entire city for "condoning it" or "reveling in it. " It doesn't happen. If a kid gets beer poured on him, just go up to the security guard, point out who did it and then they get kicked out. Same as any other city, same as they would in any other public venue. If somebody really felt "threatened" while trying to . Don't act like security just shrugged their shoulders at these incidents because you know for a fact that didn't happen. Stop bitching about the fact that only 12 people were ejected Saturday night, as if by virtue of the five or six people you talked to, it should have been more like 10,000.

Some of the Philadelphia fans are ruthlessly retarded when it comes to embracing a reputation that's perpetuated by columns like the one you just wrote. The majority of them are not.

Now, go shit in your Rayhawk, you cowbell-clanging dickbag.

World Series: Phils fans live down to their reputation [St. Petersburg Times]

*****************

ANYWAY. Well, shutting this bitch down early today so I can go throw beer on Tampa Bay children. For the record, it's just me and my Dad, back in those fabulous 400-level seats we've had the past two nights. The penthouse view! But, you know, we're just doing father, son, Mitch Albom-y stuff and taking it all in. No Darien Street tailgate for this guy.

If that thing that's supposed to happen happens tonight, then it'll get ugly in the witching hour on Broad Street. If so, the bulk of your publishing duties will be handled by our capable staff. I'll just pop in with a long rambling post, that'll even be more indecipherable than usual and may or may not include more Jessica Biel Jumbotron photos. (Biggest traffic draw of the day! Fuck man...why even try?)

So this could all be over and we can all return to terrible normalcy as soon as it is. Then you won't have to hear a single peep about Philadelphia sports for, oh, a good three or four days. I'm nice like that.

Watch Matt Sussman live-blog home the victory in the post above. If the Phillies lose, he gets shot in the face.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. A special thank you goes out to John Yurkow, "a guy who awkwardly called you out on Pattison Avenue after Game Three and you graciously b.s. 'ed with me and my buddies for a couple of minutes."

John, here's your shout out, buddy: This is John's roommate, by the way. He says hi.

To the Septa lines, where hopefully I will not be randomly attacked with a hammer. John, hopefully we'll meet again on Broad Street later, but not for garbage can sex, as you suggested on Saturday night.

Alright. If they win...maybe.

YES US CAN.

PHOTO: Philly.com

• Evan Longoria Shares An Intimate Moment With Jimmy Rollins. While accentuating another umpire blunder in this series (that’s #5 if you’re keeping track at home), the FOX graphics team put a purdy little frame around a close-up of Evan Longoria’s glove knuckle-deep in Jimmy Rollins’ ass. What a gorgeous painting that would make! You could honestly just crop out the rest of the shot, print that sucker out, and nail it to your living room wall. Thanks for that, FOX. [The Fightins']

• Sleeping Giant. You knew it was going to happen some time: Ryan Howard was going to hit. Someone was going to hang a breaking ball, or feed him a fastball, and he was going to pay for it. It took twelve post-season games in 2008 for Howard to finally break out. [Crashburn Alley]

• X = 0 When X = Pena's H + Longoria's H. Disappointing performance all around. Bad defense, awful offense, questionable pitching. We got our asses beat. For the first time this season a Rays victory simply means living one more day, and not advancing, in an elimination game. [DRays Bay]

• Jimmy Rollins Really Got Tagged On That One. How in the name of David Fisher did they get the glove out? And how the hell did Rollins find the strength to stay in the game and get three hits? If that was Gary Sheffield, it's safe to say the promising, engaging young talent that is Evan Longoria would no longer exist today. [The Sports Hernia]

• Report: Amaro To Be Named GM. According to reports, Ruben Amaro Jr. is expected to replace Pat Gillick as Phillies general manager. An announcement may be made within 24 to 48 hours after the end of the World Series. Amaro has been assisting Gillick since he took over as GM in 2006. Boy, what a great time for the Phils to leak this one. It’s pretty evident Phillie fans aren’t too keen on Amaro, so it makes sense to announce this as the champagne for a world championship gets placed in the locker room. [Phillies Nation]

• World Series Game Four Recap: Delayed "Lost A Contact Lens" Edition. Contact lens wearers should sympathize with me. I lost a contact lens before the game last night. Don't even know what happened, but the dreaded blur-and-PLOP! from my left eyeball occurred around 7 PM. And being the dope that I am, I didn't bring a spare pair of glasses, and I live two hours from the ballpark, so I got to watch the game in a smudgy binocular haze from my otherwise excellent seats. Thankfully I still had my dominant eye, and I saw well enough to know that it was a TREMENDOUS game and that I really, really promise never to call Joe Blanton "Cookies" ever again. [The Good Phight]

• Phillies Parade Gear. Jinx, schminx. I’m thinking win tonight, parade tomorrow or Wednesday. Potential parade pitfall: The weather is looking a little iffy tomorrow (chance of showers), and frosty for Wednesday (high of 49). So if you’re doing the parade thing (I’m going to use all my skills and powers to be there) dress for the elements. [Phils-Ville]

• Rays Hammered 10-2. The Rays look like a group of tired old men sitting on the bench as they bat. The smiles and laughter have faded from their faces. That used to be the hallmark of this team. No matter the situation they had a good time together as a group. That attitude made for many comebacks during the course of the season and the playoffs. Unless the Rays can put the past few games behind them and come out aggressive at the dish this World Series will end Monday night. This is not an easy task no matter their attitude as the Rays will face the best the Phillies have to offer in Cole Hamels. [Rays Homeplate]

• Maddon Signs Phillies Hat, Poses For Picture . Jake Cassidy, 12, was looking for autographs with his dad today at the Rays' hotel. Manager Joe Maddon came through the lobby and agreed to sign his Phillies hat, then patiently waited while Cassidy's dad Mark figured out how to take a picture with his iPhone. "He's nice but he's not Charlie Manuel," Jake said. [The Heater]

PRE-GAME

Jay Glazer announces the entire NFL has lost all their vital bodily fluids. You should be able to keep your focus on baseball tonight, knowing full well that the NFL is now American sports' answer to the prune.

You're not going to believe this, but Cliff Floyd is injured. It's his shoulder, for those of you that made your bets more specific. Eric Hinske gets to don the World Series patch for the second straight season.

All of the Philly blogging elite are there. We believe A.J. is present; we know Enrico is rolling his crew at Citizens Bank, and now we have a report from Clare from Plunk Chutley:

"A live report from the world series: what REALLY goes on when the cameras are not on."

If you had been to the World Series since 1993, Philadelphia, that national anthem would have been absolutely killer.

TOP OF FIRST INNING

8:31 pm - Iwamura manages to survive more than three pitches. We believe this may be longer than any at-bat he attempted last night.

8:33 pm - Burrell pulls in Iwamura's fly and away we go. The Sprint sign behind home plate was clearly calibrated to match the ambient noise before the fireworks went off, so it looks simply awful at the moment. This, of course, won't stop them.

8:34 pm - Upton gets caught looking at the Sprint sign and strike three passes by. This is more embarrassing since it's a greenscreen sign.

8:35 pm - The Bear pops out foully and didn't anyone get the memo that Blanton can be wild? Taking pitches is totally legal now.

BOTTOM OF FIRST INNING

8:37 pm - And you chose Tim McGraw last night, Fox? Is there any other choice *ever*?

8:38 pm - "Simply a winner" == "We don't know why he's here, either"

8:39 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Gives up a double to Jimmy Rollins"

8:41 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Allows Rollins to advance to third with one down on a deep fly after going down 3-0 to Jayson Werth"

8:44 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Walks Chutley"

8:45 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Tapes grounders to the mound to his hand and refuses to release it"

8:46 pm - Glove'n'ball in the butt? That's an FCC fine. (We're accepting screenshots, by the way. tips@deadspin.com.)

8:48 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Walks home a run on five pitches." Phillies 1-0.

8:50 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Gets a runner out at hom... wait, that actually sounds productive. Maybe he IS a winner."

8:52 pm - After a 20-minute winning, Feliz pops out to Upton, whom we've decided (unlike many of his teammates) really needs facial hair. After one, Phillies 1-0.

(Thanks, Jesse and the rest of you with quick triggers on ass shots!)

TOP OF SECOND INNING

8:56 pm - Longoria and Crawford strike out and HONEST TO GOODNESS it's like Angela Lansbury's dealin' queens and the Rays batters are unable to resist pitches in their eyes. We need Frank Sinatra more than ever.

8:58 pm - Navarro singles to right and Jayson Werth wastes his chance to be Andre Dawson, letting the rotund runner get to first without a throw.

8:58 pm - No problem, though... Zobrist is out on one pitch. Take a pitch! We're not kidding here. We know where your beloved childhood pets are. The tips line, she is strong.

BOTTOM OF SECOND INNING

9:01 pm - You know how most outfielders run to a spot and wait for the ball? Ben Zobrist thinks that's crap. He catches Carlos Ruiz's fly ball, though.

9:02 pm - Aramis Ramirez is the NL Hank Aaron winner? THE CUBS WIN AT THE WORLD SERIES! THE CUBS WIN AT THE WORLD SERIES! WOOOO!

9:03 pm - Blanton struck out while we were being unnecessarily exuberant.

9:05 pm - Rollins singles and we're beating Tim McCarver with an AM radio if he says "station to station" again.

9:06 pm - Werth pops out to a shamed Zobrist, who runs to a spot before catching the ball. After two, it's Phillies 1-0.

TOP OF THIRD INNING

9:08 pm - In Baseball Heaven, you get to take a maple bat to that guy any time you want.

9:11 pm - President Bartlett strikes out but Sonnanstine singles in an opposing direction. However, he did it in something like two pitches, so it's totally approved by the Rays.

9:13 pm - Two straight choices by the fielder to get the man out at second, leaving the man at first to consider his sins in a public forum, end the frame.

BOTTOM OF THIRD INNING

9:18 pm - Another 47-pitch at-bat, another error (by Iwamura), another Chutley sighting at first.

9:20 pm - And now Howard singles and ball one to Burrell. We may need supercomputers to see a pattern here.

9:23 pm - Burrell takes 76 pitches but pops out to the President.

9:26 pm - Victorino takes a mere 42 pitches but pops out to the President.

9:27 pm - Pedro Feliz swings at the first pitch (ball one) and then immediately singles to left, which is exactly what the Rays have been trying and failing at. Baseball, we don't get you sometimes. Phillies 2-0.

9:29 pm - Iwamura receives a rub through the pants when he catches a ground ball up the middle but can't throw anyone out. Bases loaded, two out, Blanton standing tall.

9:30 pm - Blanton's out on his best Feliz impersonation. By the time we click "Save" on this timestamp, the Rays will have made three outs on two pitches. Phillies 2-0.

TOP OF FOURTH INNING

9:35 pm - The Bear flips the script by striking out in more than six pitches.

9:35:25 pm - Longoria grounds out to shortstop in a return to form. Tim McCarver blames bad synapse mechanics.

9:37 pm - Carl Crawford has a Maier moment, barely clearing the wall in right-center to halve the lead. Phillies 2-1. We're dying to see the replay on that one...

9:37:14 pm - ... which we will shortly as Navarro rushes the game to commercial with his love of out.

BOTTOM OF FOURTH INNING

9:42 pm - Akinori Iwamura, this is your glove. It's used to catch the ball and then, you know, throw the ball. Jimmy Rollins receives a single/error. (You choose at home. Single: page 47. Error: page 49.)

9:45 pm - "Simply a winner" == "Third walk of the game through 3+ innings, setting up first and second with no outs"

9:46 pm - We're really not going to see that Crawford ball leave the park again, are we? Chutley strikes out on three pitches to go back to the dugout and check for us. The power of the tips line.

9:49 pm - Less doubt about this home run from Sub Howard. When we took these live blogs, we were told it was contingent upon two Phillies victories. You can't say we haven't done our part. Phillies 5-1.

9:52 pm - Burrell and Gritirino pop out harmlessly, but we can't help but notice that Buck'n'McCarver have STSU about the wasted opportunities by the Phillies. Phillies 5-1.

TOP OF FIFTH INNING

9:54 pm - Stay tuned for your next Fox News exclusive: how the Tecate Light guy took his job from a hard-working American cerveza spokesperson.

9:54 pm - Zobrist entereth and exiteth.

9:57 pm - The ol' 1-5-3 putout on the President... only winners get that play. We think we've been had about this whole "simply a winner" thing. The Rays agree, pulling Andy and replacing him with World Series sub Eric Hinske.

9:58 pm - Cliff Floyd gets Pipped in just a few pitches as Hinske pulls a Stairs to deep center. (That was a lot of proper nouns there. Maybe even a bastard verb.) Phillies 5-2.

9:59 pm - Iwamura continues to ruin our mancrush on him with a piddling groundout. Still, we guess we don't have to switch to the popular USF-Tulsa liveblog yet.

BOTTOM OF FIFTH INNING

10:04 pm - Ruiz and Feliz are out but not without Screamin' Tom Hallion letting the Rays know that (as best we could hear it) he didn't need their "guff" anymore. Well, we guess the wait is over.

10:06 pm - Joe Blanton is the first pitcher to hit a home run in a world series in 36 years? A guy that was an American League pitcher most of his career? Well, hell, kids. You may work on your coronation speeches, Phillies fans. Phillies 6-2.

10:07 pm - Rollins grounds out to end the fifth and we're going to need an astrophysicist to explain this game to us. Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF SIXTH INNING

10:10 pm - Was the Rays' last successful play the taco base? We can't remember for sure.

10:12 pm - B.J. flies out toot sweet. Joe Blanton has a perpetual look on his face like he can't understand all the fuss and really doesn't comprehend everything that's happening around him but he's more bemused than frightened. Dude's not complicated. He's simply a winner, y'know?

10:15 pm - Oh, NOW The Bear patiently works the count and draws a walk. There's such a thing as timing, people.

10:16 pm - Longoria strikes out. No, really. Do you need a moment?

10:17 pm - Crawford's pinky toe takes a bruisin' from the stitches of a Blanton pitch and he shall stand on first gingerly. First and second, two down.

10:20 pm - Dioner-not-Navi strikes out by swinging at a ball, but considering he watched a ball or three called as strikes, he probably didn't know what else to do.

BOTTOM OF SIXTH INNING

10:23 pm - Just how much scorn does one receive for ordering a Philly cheese steak from a Subway franchisee in the Philadelphia area? We imagine it's just below a hangin' but more than a beatin'.

10:25 pm - For Edwin Jackson's second inning of work, he reverts to Bad Edwin, allowing Jayson Werth to pound a double off the MLB Network. The MLB Network will now launch in mid-April to allow time to repair the damage.

10:27 pm - From commenter TracyHamandEggs! below: "New stars can no longer be earned except as a gift from the editors AND unstarred comments will be collapsed in threaded view unless they have been replied to recently."

NOW we understand those star lapel pins on the Fox announcing team. Savvy, Rupert... savvy.

10:29 pm - Chutley strikes out and Howard receives the intentional walk he couldn't get earlier in the series. He was the one asked to hit before, remember?

10:31 pm - Good Edwin returns for a double play that's nearly ruined about seven times during its execution. Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF SEVENTH INNING

10:35 pm - Eric Bruntlett looks a little too much like Evan Tanner for our comfort. Too soon.

10:38 pm - Ben Zobrist walks and we say farewell to Joe Blanton, who will not need to buy a drink in Philly for a long time.

10:41 pm - President Outmaker does so at Chad Durbin's request

10:42 pm - Willy "Automatic Transmission" Aybar clutchly hits pinchily to right and Durbin, who is not a winner, has to leave in favor of Simple Winner Scott Eyre. Charlie's oopsie.

10:45 pm - Iwamura does as Tim McCarver tells him to, making the second out of the inning. Oh, look... a pitching change!

10:51 pm - Ryan Madsen is a more complex winner as he requires six pitches to out BeeJay.

And now exactly what we promised you... cake!

BOTTOM OF SEVENTH INNING

10:58 pm - Dan Wheeler joins the fun and tricks Gritirino into popping out to Zobrist in right. We don't know if it's because he's been pretty decent or if "Ben Zobrist" is just kind of an awesome early 80s detective show name, but he's rubbing off on us.

10:59 pm - Pedro Feliz bounces another ball off Granite Longoria for another infield single.

11:00 pm - Oh, Akinori... how could we ever stay mad at you? Your stabbing line drive catch and double play throw made us forget all the bad in the world. And to think what we were considering...

Phillies 6-2.

TOP OF EIGHTH INNING

11:03 pm - "American Idol" and the World Series have nothing in common... except lousy singing, we guess.

11:07 pm - On the other hand, the Bear strikes out again and he's off our Christmas list.

11:08 pm - Did the Phillies turn the crappy left field foul seats into auxiliary press seats? Is that why they were almost empty when Granite Longoria dropped a ball in them?

11:09 pm - Strike three on Granite. And Crawford grounds out weakly and we don't know how else to explain this concept to the Rays.

BOTTOM OF EIGHTH INNING

11:14 pm - Matt Stairs strikes out and we're just kinda happy he got to be in the sun for a moment. One of our guys from way back.

11:16 pm - Phillies fans do their best to pull a Rollins ball over the right-field fence, but they're not quite coordinated enough to pull it off. A double, it is.

11:19 pm - Jayson Werth shows Rollins how it's done, hitting the ball a little harder and to left field for a home run. Phillies 8-2. Say good night, Gracie.

11:20 pm - We feel dehydrated. We just wish there were a series of chemicals that could cure tha... oh, that's right. Beer!

While we have a moment as Wheeler is shown the World Series door (and it's made of a fine mahogany, thanks for asking), we love that Jayson Werth put a finger to the sky on his 8-2 Phillies lead homer. Dude's been suffering all series and he finally did something positive. Good on him.

11:24 pm - Oh, Jesus... we didn't think we'd have to defend our position. It was awesome. We will not entertain other opinions on this matter.

11:25 pm - Chutley's walk is followed by Howard's slower walk of 360 feet, give-take. Phillies 10-2.

11:28 pm - Bruntlett's out and we have video of the ninth inning already, thanks to the power of the tips line.

Phillies 10-2.

TOP OF NINTH INNING

11:31 pm - And in the role of Carol Burnett's spotlight sweeper, J.C. Romero.

11:32 pm - Navarro takes first on an error/hit on the infield. Timing, gentlemen. Timing.

11:33 pm - Chosen: Navarro. Allowed to live: Zobrist. Jimmy Rollins is a merciful shortstop.

11:37 pm - El Presidente Bartlett watches strike three, failing to factor in that it's a 10-2 game and Screamin' Tom Hallion has places to be, too.

11:37 pm - And that'll do it. The Phillies take a commanding 3-1 lead and we recommend mapping out parade routes in Philly that will cause the least damage to property.

(And how much do we love that Fox showed the time of game as if they managed to bring it in just over three hours because of their skill and not because each Ray treated their at-bats as timed contests?)

Now you know who the hell Joe Blanton is: he's the luckiest SOB on the planet tonight. Andy Sonnanstine... well, the earlier you forget tonight, the better off he is.