I'm not a gambling man (because that's illegal and wrong in my state), but it has been pointed out that the Texans were favored at home on Monday Night Football, yet somehow failed to win. Or maybe someone's fantasy team needed about 200 total yards and a passing touchdown? What other reasons can you think of that would make a ref feel inclined to give one up top to the winning quarterback?

Actually, I know what it is. High-fiving is just an instinct. No matter how you feel about someone, no matter impartial you're supposed to pretend to be ... you just can't leave a man hanging like that.

Hey, buddy. High five!

Honorable Mention: New York Islanders goaltender Dwayne Roloson made 58 saves last night to beat ... oh, I'm sorry, it was just the Maple Leafs. Most of their shots probably just slowly skidded to a stop before they got to him.

Want to nominate someone for Last Night's Winner? Send me an email at dashiell@deadspin.com.

That's 86-year-old Bud Adams saluting Buffalo's magnificent fourth-quarter collapse against the Titans on Sunday. Or maybe he was just saying goodbye to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell who watched the game from Adams' owner's box, but presumably left early to beat the private helicopter traffic. Or maybe he wanted to say "We're number one!" but broke his index fingers trying to text knock-knock jokes to his grandchildren. Or maybe he was just telling all those kids to get the hell out of his stadium. He's 86! Who knows why old people do anything they do?

The moral of the story is that Bud Adams is just like every other NFL fan at every NFL game every single Sunday. He should definitely be fined for that.

Bud Adams gives Bills a special salute [Tennessean]
Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams celebrates win by flipping Buffalo Bills the bird [ESPN]
Titans owner Bud Adams makes obscene gesture during win vs. Bills [USA Today]

•The Tampa Bay Lightning got their yucks from a good-old fashioned game of "strip shootout," where if you don't score on a breakaway, you remove a piece of clothing. The players said they got really excited by the game, which gives a whole new meaning to "high-sticking."

•The Bears ink Jay Cutler to a two-year extension. While he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, he's a better option than Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, Chad Hutchinson, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzell, Kordell Stewart, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Shane Matthews, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, Rick Mirer, Dave Kreig, Eric Kramer, Steve Walsh, Will Furrer, Peter Tom Willis...

•The Yankees take a 3-1 series lead on the ample back of CC Sabathia. Accusations of Sabathia throwing a Rivera-like spitball were refuted when FOX cameras picked up a hot dog vendor in his line of sight, indicating it was only drool.

•Tennessee Papa John's were offering one free topping for every Titans touchdown this weekend. Hope you like cheese pizza.

•In advance of the NFL's upcoming jaunt to London, one British tabloid attempts to bust 10 myths about the NFL. Sadly, the part about a coin toss being used to decide tie games is no myth.

•The NBA expects to have their referees back on the court in time for next week's opener, and none too soon. Did you see that Cleveland game last night? The Mavs were only getting whistled if they actually fouled LeBron!

•To cap the morning off, we've got some video of a ladies room fight at this weekend's Texas/OU game. More like Yellow River Rivalry, amirite?

Dallas Morning News columnist Jean-Jacques Taylor was one of those awestruck by Young when he dominated the college game as UT's quarterback but he's now convinced that that VY's glory days have passed him by in the blink of a young shirtless brother's eye.

For back up, Taylor used Roy Williams' body language:

Roy Williams needed nearly 10 seconds to figure out a way to describe his former teammate's career.

First, Williams smiled. Then he paused. Then he shrugged. Then he looked upward.

Then he smiled awkwardly. Again.

Finally, Williams spoke.

"I wish the best of luck to the guy," he said. "We all know he can play and we all know the things he can do when his head is on right."

Yes. When Vince Young's head is on right, he can pick apart Tampa Bay's second-string defense.

Vince Young's magic merely a memory [DMN]

Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. The whole Kige Ramsey thing is old now. Yeah, yeah, I get it. He's retarded. He makes hand gestures. He's very literal. Hilarious. I've had enough just about enough of the whole "Kige Ramsey is so dumb, he's brilliant!" thing. He's but one symptom of the wave of supposed unintentional comedy currently pervading the American landscape. We're so busy laughing at shit that isn't funny that it's affecting our overall funniness as a culture. Know why some people think Dane Cook is funny? Because they're too busy laughing at an episode of fucking "Flavor of Love" to know any better. Demand more of your fucking comedy, people.

2. No Haynesworth means Cortland Finnegan will suck. It's amazing how much a run-stuffing defensive tackle can serve to improve other players on defense. With Albert Haynesworth plugging the middle, linebackers don't have as many blockers to shed, or they can drop further back into coverage, which then eases pressure on the secondary. Every position on defense has an affect on every other position, but that defensive tackle can exert perhaps the greatest influence of all. The Titans had a lot of standout players on defense last year: Finnegan, Keith Bullock, Kyle Van den Bosch. Will they all be just as good without the big fella around this time around? Fuck and no.

3. You Tennessee folk were in on this whole slavery business. Peter King cracked the code!

4. You will never be the Volunteers. Face it: the Titans exist primarily as a way for college football fans in Tennessee to nurse a Sunday hangover. What's that? The Titans blew a #1 seed and fell to Baltimore in the divisional round? Oh well, that's too bad. HEY Y'ALL, DIDJA JUST SEE WHAT THAT THERE CRAZY COOT LANE KIFFIN JUST DID?! HE TWEETED A RECROOOOT! I'D FUCK HIS WIFE TILL HER HEAD FELL OFF!

5. When Kerry Collins is your QB, one of two things can happen. One: he'll play serviceable but unspectacular football for the season, then fail to deliver in the playoffs, when you actually need to be able to pass the ball in important moments. Two: he'll start drinkin' toilet cleaner again, then he'll whip out the sambo dolls and stage a little Mantan puppet show in the locker room. Either way, while the Titans claim to be happy with their quarterbacks, the fact is that their fate lies in the hands of a thoroughly average journeyman, backed up by a limp-armed head case with a shit attitude.

And that's the Titans for you. Always good. But always a yard or two shy of being good enough to give a shit about.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better.

The rotund White has reportedly lost 30 pounds during this past offseason and is at his lowest fighting weight since graduating high school. What's his secret? No more late night taco runs? Putting back that extra slice of pizza? Switching from 2% to skim milk. Well, it does involve drinking:

"I really got to be honest," White said. "It wasn't a lot of major diet changes. (It was) watching what I drink. I was a big Patron consumer. ... That's what it was. I was drinking a lot, drank a lot of alcohol. I cut that out of my diet all the way. I don't drink at all. I cut the drinking, I stopped drinking for six months.

"It started falling off."

No mas tequila ... no mas Fatty McFatterson. How many shot glasses do you think you need to hold 30 pounds of Patron? Oh, and the fact that White chose a contract year to show up to camp in shape for the time in his life is just a happy coincidence for his accountant (and his tailor.)

Tennessee's LenDale White's weight-loss secret: Stop swilling tequila [SI]

LenDale's birthday was in December, when Albert Haynesworth was still in Nashville and Vince Young was still ... whatever it was he was doing back then. After the usual shout-outs and big ups and whatnot, it's just a couple guys hanging out at the club, not getting drunk on premium water sponsorships and maybe some friendly teammate bonding.

Also, I'm not sure, but I believe Haynesworth mentions Roger Goodell "having" some girl in his office? I didn't actually catch most of that, but I do like how Albert brags about being Goodell's first "real" suspension. Suspensions must have been on his mind, because this party must have taken place about a week after the car accident that left another driver in a wheelchair, which itself was just a few days after Haynesworth had been placed on probation by judge. (Hence all the water?)

But, hey, as long as Vince keeps his shirt on, no one is going to complain.

Vince Young & Albert Haynesworth (Lendale White B-Day Party) [YouTube, via The Low Tube]

According to a Denver police report from February 14th, White was involved in a fender bender with another man and when the two got out of their cars to politely discuss the matter, things got a little whip-y.

"The verbal argument turned physical and (White) began striking and shoving the victim,'' the offense report said.

According to the report, White, listed as an unknown suspect, "began striking the victim with a belt and belt buckle'' before the parties got in their vehicle and fled. Hoch required hospitalization for lacerations, the offense report stated.

However, the district attorney who investigated the matter says there is other evidence that contradicts these statements, so no charges will be filed and the case has been closed. (And oh, yes, the NFL is aware.) So what really happened that night? We may never know, but if you're playing secondary against the Tennessee Titans next season and White starts reaching for his belt buckle, I would maybe just let him score.

Titans' LenDale White avoids charges after hometown altercation [West Word]
Titans' RB White involved in incident; no charges filed [The Tennessean]

Remember our post on Hodges not too long ago? She's the Titans cheerleader who doubles as a molecular neuroscience researcher at Vanderbilt University, where among her duties, she says, is the occasional beheading of a rat for research. Laflin (pictured left), a staunch PETA supporter, read about this and was not amused. She fired off a letter to Hodges and Vanderbilt, which was detailed on the PETA site, and a portion of which follows:

I'm writing on behalf of my friends at People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and PETA's more than two million members. I am a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and a current scout for the NBA, but my great passion is animal protection. I was therefore extremely disappointed to read about your work in an animal laboratory at Vanderbilt University Kennedy Center. You may not be aware of the indifference that Vanderbilt University has shown in regard to following even the minimal standards required by federal regulations. Or that Vanderbilt has been cited for dozens of violations of the animal welfare act in the last three years.

You can read the entire letter here (PDF).

From The PETA Files:

It was discovered recently that Titans cheerleader Melissa Hodges is working in an animal laboratory at Vanderbilt University's Kennedy Center, and according to the Nashville Scene, Hodges guillotines rats, among other acts. So Laflin has penned a powerful letter to her fellow spirit squadder.

Laflin has graced PETA ad campaigns with her sexy (naked) body in support of vegetarian living and against rodeo cruelty. She also has a big place in her heart for the animals used (and abused) in experiments.

Hopefully, Hodges will be big enough to have a change of heart and take her career to a different, cruelty-free level. I mean, heck, when a woman like this tells you to jump, you just ask how high.

Say what you will about PETA; it knows marketing, and how sex sells. Its anti-rodeo campaign slogan: "Nobody Likes An Eight-Second Ride," featuring a nearly-naked Laflin lounging in hay, is a good example.

So, your move, Melissa. Not since the trailer fight scene Kill Bill II has a confrontation so caught my interest. "Bitch, you don't have a future!"

Cheerleader Gets An Earful On Animal Testing [The PETA Files]
PETA's Sexy 'Bank On Your Health, Go Vegetarian Ad' [The PETA Files]

The red contact lenses were a nice touch, but it wasn't enough to intimidate the Ravens on Saturday. Joe Flacco's unibrow shielded him from harm.

I had always wondered why Vanden Bosch's nanny had hung herself from the roof at his sixth birthday party. "It's all for you Kyle!"

Photo: Cody Kushner

Creep Of The Week [Fack Youk]

• Steel Curtain Decends To Host AFC Title Game. All of that makes this report from NFL.com’s Adam Shaefter more intriguing. The league web site approved insider claims that there’s a legitimate chance that the Chargers could try to move Tomlinson this offseason to avoid the sizable cap hits his contract will bring. To wit, that’s worth nearly $9 million next season. That money would be more than enough to lock up both Sproles and quarterback Philip Rivers, which will almost certainly give the storyline more legs. [Sports by Brooks]

• What Is Domination? This is. The Steelers gutted the Chargers yesterday in the final playoff game of the weekend. The conference championship rounds are set, Philadelphia/Arizona and Baltimore/Pittsburgh. If defense wins championships, I think the deck is stacked for whomever wins the AFC to win the Super Bowl. Not to sleep on Philadelphia's defense, but it is no comparison to Baltimore or Pittsburgh's tenacious D. [Deuce Of Davenport]

• Playoff Chaos? Blame Realignment. Blame the realignment of 2002, which broke the league into eight four-team divisions. The realignment gave us situations like the one we've had here in 2008, when a 12-4 team (Indy) has to go on the road to face an 8-8 team (San Diego), while an 11-5 team (New England) that beat a 9-7 title-game contender (Arizona) by 40 points just a few weeks ago sits at home and watches it all unfold. [Cold Hard Football Facts]

• What Do You Do With A Ratbird Hat? OK, here's the situation I was in. I'll tell you what happened and what I did, and then I want to hear your comments about what you would do in the same situation. Titans vs Ratbirds, it's halftime with the score tied 7-7, and I go to the facilities. After taking care of business, I'm heading out the door behind some real stupid-looking goofus dressed in fugly purple and he drops something on the floor... [Total Titans]

• All Aboard The Purple Express, Redskins Fans. I know that you hate us, and there’s no way I can convince you to do otherwise. But if you think about it, the Baltimore Ravens are your best chance at peace with the remainder of the football season. [Stet Sports Blog]

• One Of These Probably Cost Us The Game... Choose Wisely Edition. Jeff Fisher on the blown delay of game call on the crucial 3rd down: "I've always maintained that there's a human element in the game as far as officiating is concerned. There are going to make mistakes; it is part of our game,'' Fisher said. "But this particular mistake was unacceptable. There is no excuse for it, it was a mistake, and it was a costly mistake." Peter King gives some inside scuttle-butt about the D.O.G. and what rules may change in reaction to what happened Saturday. [Music City Miracles]

• Pathetic, They Almost Looked As Bad As Denver. San Diego must have listened to everyone picking the Steelers because it looked like they bought into the whole bullcrap “Steelers mystique.” At least the defense made some decent plays, but they also gave up some critical yardage and first down conversions. I won’t mention the lousy officiating by Bill Leavy and crew. [San Diego Chargers]

• Big Ben Should Get Concussed Every Week. See David Brent there? That was me during the second half. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. [Heels Sox And Steelers]

In fact, home teams are 2-4 in this year's playoffs. On the other hand, weather has not yet been the factor it will be today. And home field or no home field ... six turnovers for Jake Delhomme? That's more than five! Even worse, this totally obvious YouTube video was not made with yakkity sax. It's so unprofessional. It's almost like none of these people have ever worked on TV before.)

And yes, it was delay of game on Joe Flacco, but it was 3rd-and-2 and the play went for 23 yards. It's kinda hard to claim that a flag would have won Tennessee the game at that point. Plus ... Joe Freakin' Flacco! A rookie, 2-0, on the road. Deal with it!

Apologetic Delhomme looked like raw rookie [Arizona Republic]
On football: One-and-done will linger after Titans ' choke [USA Today]
Playoff hopes blown when whistle wasn't [Tennessean]

* * * * *

I'm heading out shortly for what I'm told is a wi-fi enabled bar, that I'm told will be overrun by hyper, possibly inebriated Giants fans. (I won't tell you where it is, because I'm afraid of you people.) I have no horse in this race, but I will venture into the belly of the playoff beast and attempt to bring you tales of local fan excitement. I'm like that Survivorman guy, as long as I don't have to brew my own beer out of tree bark.

Everyone and their mother's mother seems to be picking the spooky Ravens, due to the emergence of Unibrow Hero Joe Flacco and the swarming defense led by cherry-picking extraordinaire, Ed Reed. But will the Tennessee version of Smash and Dash be enough to prevent Kerry Collins from relapsing into the 2000 Super Bowl quarterback who kept throwing passes into Ray Lewis' wrists? We shall see.

Here are some game summaries that should satisfy your every whim:

• "For Tennessee, they just aren't flashy. People love to hate the good teams, and when you can find flaws — such as the lack of an explosive passing attack — you are gonna hear dissent. They do have an incredibly dominant defensive line, a special defensive back in Courtland Finnegan, and a stellar inside-outside running duo in LenDale White and Chris Johnson. There continue to be questions about whether or not Kerry Collins can win a playoff game if the running game is completely shut down, but he's been to the Super Bowl before." [Fanhouse]

• Mike Florio: Italian Talking head. [PFT]

• "As everyone knows, the Titans used the mustache voodoo of Jeff Fisher to jump out to a great start this season before falling back to the pack a bit. Led by a great game with rookie RB Chris Johnson and LenDale White, efficient QB play by Kerry Collins, and one of the most dominant defensive lines in the NFL, the Titans were able to secure the #1 seed in the AFC Playoffs." [Midwest Sports Fans]

•"The X factor in this game is Kerry Collins. Collins struggled early in the last game against the Ravens but put it together late to lead the game winning TD drive. The Titans will need Collins to play the type of game today that he was hired to play; take care of the ball, hit open receivers, throw the ball away when there is nothing there, and keep the offense calm with his veteran presence. Overall this season Collins has done an excellent job of doing these things. This team can win the Super Bowl if Collins plays that way." [Music City Miracles]

• "The Ravens need to keep the heat on the quarterback as Kerry Collins is prone to turnovers. When they force multiple miscues they are 9-2. They need to run the ball to take the pressure off Flacco and put themselves in manageable third downs. Flacco doesn’t need to be spectacular but one thing I picked up on re-watching the Ravens playoff run of 2000 (Buy it at Amazon.com), he needs to make one or two plays. If he does that and doesn’t cough the ball up Baltimore gets this one." [Ravens Gab]

• "This is an evenly matched game between two hard-hitting, smash-mouth football teams. Both sport outstanding defenses and rushing attacks. Though the Titans have the advantage with Collins under center, the Ravens historically have forced the veteran into poor performances with their complex defensive scheme. Additionally, the Ravens' physical ground game will eventually impose its will on the Titans late in the game as Haynesworth and Vanden Bosch tire. Look for the Ravens to win a tight one, 16-13." [SI]

• "Ravens! Titans! Dierdorf! Gumbel! Defense! Power running! Two teams stolen from other cities! Neither of which you like! So why are we live-blogging it? Because you don’t want to be sober all day, do you?" [KSK]

Enjoy the game. Late game thread starts at 8 p.m.

You see, the former Raven is also beloved former Titan Steve McNair, who agreed to participate because proceeds from the event would be given to his charity foundation in Tennessee (as well as the Ronald McDonald House in Baltimore.) And that just will not do.

As noted earlier, local media jumped all over this apparent betrayal and fans and former teammates were outraged that McNair would stoop so low as to raise charity dollars for those worthless pukes in Baltimore. It was the lead story on the 10:00 news, and McNair was forced to admit that he was misled, that he would never support anything Charm City related, and he would withdraw. Because fuck those kids.

Some choice comments:

• "It can't be so. I’m speechless for the first time. For all my 36 years of living I’m speechless,” former Titans receiver Chris Sanders said. “But if it’s for charity, well, I’m still speechless, because of the way that Ray Lewis hit him [in the 2000 playoff game]… I’m looking for the cameras [in my house] to say, ‘Gotcha, Chris.’”

• "How could he do that? He is the Titans."

• "It's a little gutsy."

• "What? You gotta be kidding me, man? No way."

• "He has given his body, blood and bones to the Titans. He has given more body parts than anybody for the Titans. Steve isn't doing this. He is never going to host a pep rally for the opposing team. He is 100 percent Titans."

• "A little allegiance should go a long way."

It really should. I mean, this is the worst betrayal I've seen since, I don't know ... the Titans banned Steve McNair from their facilities because they were worried he would get hurt and didn't want to get stuck with a salary cap problem or a quarterback controversy after signing their new golden boy rookie so they desperately traded him away to Baltimore. Heyyyyyy ... wait a second....

McNair says he will host Ravens rally [WKRN]
McNair won't host Ravens' rally as promo suggests [City Paper]
Apparently, McNair will not be attending our Friday party after all [WNST]

While other Titans cheerleaders are mulling the advantages of calfskin vs. vinyl for their boots, here's an excerpt of Melissa describing a typical work day:

"Eventually we'll take the cells and we will extract RNA from them and then form cDNA, and with that we'll use a method called quantitative real time PCR, and study the gene expressions."

The 23-year-old New Orleans native recently graduated with a Bachelors in Neuroscience from Vanderbilt, and is working toward a career in medicine. She's been a cheerleader for the Titans for three years.

And then there's this, from Nashville Scene:

When she talks about using the post-mortem brain tissue of Alzheimer's patients to test how they react to certain medications, Melissa's blue eyes sparkle like her diamond-studded earring and blindingly white teeth. She's even adorable (and all the more awesome) when she talks about how she and her colleagues must guillotine rodents to study their brains.

I think I'm in love.

Titans Cheerleader Shatters Stereotypes [WSMV-TV4]
How To Be A Hollaback Girl [Nashville Scene]