Kim Sears: What the hell are you doing?
Andy Murray: Finishing my game.
Kim: No! You promised me breakfast!
Andy: Breakfast schmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake! I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Kim, but Hartford? The Whale? They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime!

Apparently Murray had a thing for Call Of Duty. Esteban 85, you've been warned.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

Safin told L'Equipe that if Agassi is trying to clear his conscience because he lied to the ATP to get out of a failed drug test, then wouldn't it make more sense to give back the money that the ATP allowed him to win by not banning him from the sport? And maybe all of his Grand Slam titles? Or, alternatively, he could just go on selling his books.

"I won't write my biography. I do not need any money. The question is: why did he do it?" Safin said. "What's done is done. He hopes to sell more books. But he is completely stupid!"

"I do not defend the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) but what he said put them in a bad position. ATP allowed him to win a lot of tournaments, to make a lot of money. They kept his secret so why be so cruel with them? There are times you need to be able to shut up."

Give Safin credit for not pretending that crystal meth helped Agassi win anything and for correctly pointing out that this "confession" does come a little too late to serve anyone accept Agassi's publisher. On the other hand, it's not his fault that the ATP bought the lamest excuse in the history of drug testing. Forget Grand Slams. Agassi deserves an Oscar for pulling that one off.

Safin latest to criticize Agassi [CBC]
Feeling guilty? Give the money back, Safin tells Agassi [Reuters]

John wasn't born yet, so maybe no one told him, but the Battle of the Sexes was decided over 35 years ago and dudes lost. Hard. They even let ladies be doctors now! But if you want to dig up this old chestnut again, why not? I, for one, would certainly like to see John Isner (current ranking: 55) take on Serena Williams. And then Venus Williams. And then Richard Williams. And then they can release a two-disc DVD of Steffi Graff browbeating Andre Agassi because he forgot to put the toilet seat down.

The '70s were so much fun, I wish we could relive them over and over and over again....

Tennis Player John Isner: I Think The 700 or 800th Ranked Male Would Beat the Number One Ranked Female [SRI]

A time when roughneck New Yorkers shift their sports attention away from Jets preseason, Joba Chamberlain pitch counts and the New York Mets Wing of Hospital for Special Surgery to a little tennis tournament in Queens, where they have no choice but to care about things like Rafael Nadal's knees, swarming Serbians and Juan Martin Del Potro. Andre Agassi is to be honored during a ceremony on opening night, but there's plenty of fodder beyond the return of the Day-Glo one. Here are nine story lines to keep a (hawk) eye on during the Open this year:

Federer.
Can anyone honestly stop Roger Federer? After a tearful loss to Nadal in the Australian Open final, the Swiss swordsman won the French Open (without having to beat Nadal), Wimbledon (without having to beat Nadal) and watched his (ahem) top seed produce a pair of twins with his wife Mirka (also without having to beat Nadal). He even won a tuneup in Cincinnati. Barring an upset-or a legitimately healthy Nadal-Federer will probably NetJet to his record 16th major title. And, of course, cry about it.

Nadal.
For a guy as fit as Rafael Nadal, his knees are a bit like Dick Cheney's. After a shocking loss in Paris and pulling out of Wimbledon, he has proclaimed them tendinitis-free for the hardcourts of Flushing. His draw, though, won't do them any favors, with Richard Gasquet — the tireless Frenchman who tested for positive for cocaine in Miami earlier this year but avoided a ban by claiming he must have ingested it by kissing a girl at a rave — awaiting the Majorcan matador in the first round. A quarterfinal match with Andy Murray, who unseated Nadal as the world's No. 2, would follow.

Roddick.
It's been more than five years since he won the U.S. Open. And after his marriage to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (and Deadspin favorite) Brooklyn Decker earlier this year, the obvious question surrounding Andy Roddick was a simple one: Would he get complacent, now that he had this waiting for him in the players' box? Roddick answered that rather sufficiently during another epic, five-set-plus Wimbledon final. Until there's a little Roddecker in the oven, expect a Stifler-like focus, especially in New York, where his hard serve works best.

Sharapova.
After being saddled by arthroscopic shoulder surgery and rehab (oh, and a new line of signature Cole Haan handbags!) Maria Sharapova is back with a new, Roddick-like service motion. And it hasn't exactly worked. She reached the final in Toronto despite amassing more than 50 double faults (he former coach called the new serve "atrocious, plain atrocious"). On Sharapova's side of the women's draw, however, are six names ending in "ova" (Tsvetlana Pironkova, anyone?) not including hers.

The Williamses.
Television, inexplicably, loves it when Miami Dolphins-owning sisters Venus and Serena Williams play each other. The rest of us, however, have had enough — as it tends to produce some of the least compelling tennis this side of a Billie Jean King exhibition. And even when they do, they can be equally annoying in their corporate self-awareness (after beating Venus in the Wimbledon final, for instance, Serena called it her "G Moment.") Luckily they're on the same side of the draw, so if they do meet, it won't be in a final.

The McEnroes.
For the first time in ages, the Open won't be carried by the USA network — which hopefully means tennis fans won't be subject to a mid-night match channel switch as in previous years. It also means that John McEnroe, tennis' de facto commissioner (in many ways, the U.S. Open is the McEnroe Open), will be joining his brother Patrick in the ESPN broadcast booth. Which should be refreshing — both are relatively outspoken, P-Mac slightly less so — provided you can differentiate between their voices. One way to tell: John will be the one criticizing James Blake, a member of Patrick's U.S. Davis Cup team, during his perennial early exit.

Clijsters.
Kim Clijsters, who retijred in 2007, announced in April that she was comijng out of retijrement. The 25-year-old Belgijan will make her rejturn from hijatus in Queens. "I stijll have that craving," Clijsters said recently. "I look forwajrd to the chjallenge." Clijsters would face Venus in the fjourth round.

Hawk-Eye.
Forget the bean bags. Tennis has the best challenge system in major professional sports, hands down. Hawk-Eye, the camera-powered triangulation system that determines the position of the ball on the court, has revolutionized the sport (it beats the hell out of Cyclops-remember that bleeping thing?). Sure, some players, like Federer and Roddick, have complained it doesn't always work right. And sure, it makes the prospects of a McEnroe-like outburst less and less likely. But watching the replay along with the players on the Jumbotron during a crucial point in a match is sure as hell entertaining.

The Bondarenko Sisters.
Trust me on this one. For those of you Deadspin readers who watch tennis solely for the, uh, display of skills, look no further than Alona and Kateryna Bondarenko, a pair of dewy, deliciously toned sisters from the Ukraine. If you happen to get out to the Open, check them out up close on a side court, before their collective tan forces tournament organizers to put them on Arthur Ashe stadium in primetime.

Deadspin at the Open.
Speaking of which, Deadspin (er, me, resident Deucebag) will be out at the Open during the first week of the fortnight. If you're going, feel free to ping me at dylanstableford [AT] gmail [DOT] com or on Twitter (twitter.com/stableford) and we can grab what I'm sure will be a reasonably-priced beer. First one's on you!

They didn't create Wimbledon or the French Open with Americans in mind. Their tournament finals happen to fall during the hours when most Americans are just waking up in tepid puddles of bodily fluid (preferably one's own, although we can't all be so fortunate).

When creative Reuters photographer Petr Josek decided to snap Argentinian Davis Cup player Juan Monaco through a mirror, he thought he was being artistic. Instead, he's just screwing with all our heads. Also, Juan Monaco? That's gotta be a fake name. Probably testified in a murder trial.

Buenos nachos, chimichangas. I'm feeling extra frisky this morning. Don't star someone within 30 minutes of eating.

* * * *

Also, they're both in favor of pushing the metaphorical envelope. Ochocinco did CPR on the field. He riverdanced, he Irish jigged and he chickendanced. He was fined by the NFL for asking the league not to fine him. Lest we forget, the guy literally changed his last name, reminding us how batty he is every time he slips on his jersey. Or breathes. Or tweets. And he does a lot of that. Not enough for his own liking, though, which is where @JustinGimelstob comes in.

A true trailblazer, Gimelstob came out of retirement to play in a match yesterday just to tweet-by-proxy throughout. As in the NFL, tweeting mid-match is not exactly polite in professional tennis. But if you're Machiavellian like Gimelstob or Johnson, the ends justify the means:

During his doubles match with partner Jesse Levine, Gimelstob was writing notes for a ball girl to run over to the side of the court — behind the players' chairs — where the intern for fellow American player Sam Querrey was posting them on Gimelstob's Twitter account.

Gimelstob also mouthed a few comments for the intern to post in between points. Most of them were standard play-by-play recaps.

Ah, innovation and progress in tennis, the stodgiest of sports. Who knew that Sam Querrey has an intern?

Justin Gimelstob tweets during doubles match [AP]
EARLIER: Chad Ochocinco Tweets By His Own Rules

With no more excuses to fawn over Andy Murray, the British press needed to appoint a larger-than-life figure from Sunday's Wimbledon final, which, just one year after the Nadal-Federer epic, was "possibly the greatest, gutsiest attempted larceny the old tournament has ever seen." (That's sort of comparable to The Greatest Match Ever Played, I suppose.) Fortunately for the royal hacks, they had their choice of Roddick and Federer to laud. Most chose Federer. Some brave few extolled Roddick in a rather surprising twist heretofore not seen in canonical British literature.

Martin Samuel, Daily Mail:

Roddick made a mockery of that presumption, of so many presumptions in fact, firstly that it required his A game to beat Murray in the semi-final. As we now know, it was only his B-plus performance. Herewas Roddick's peak this year, perhaps even in his career, and that Federer still found the wit and strength to defeat him over 30 games in the final set is what puts him apart as a champion.

‘How would you describe what you did here today?' Roddick was asked. ‘I lost,' he deadpanned. And, yes, he did, and nothing else matters to such a competitor. Yet, for once, the black and white cannot be allowed to tell the whole story.

Roger Federer is now beyond debate the greatest tennis player there has been and we know this because after four hours and 17 minutes and 77 games on July 5, 2009, he was fractionally better than Andy Roddick. And if he wasn't the greatest player in the history of the sport he would not have been. It is as simple as that.

James Lawton, The Independent

When Roddick, the 26-year-old Texan who last Friday gave Britain's prospective Grand Slam hero Andy Murray an ultimate lesson in the need to go all the way beyond what you thought was your deepest possible commitment, finally surrendered 14-16 in the fifth set which stretched the match into its fifth hour, he had almost literally been played to a standstill.

However, if it happens that the US Open title he won six years ago – in that hiatus between the glory of Sampras, whose record mark of 14 Grand Slam titles was passed by Federer last night – and the rise of the man who in the end had just a little too much of everything, he has something to tell the grandchildren who are likely to gather around him one day.

He can tell them that he once challenged one of the greatest sportsman who ever lived to fight as he had hardly ever fought before.

...

He had created his impeccable history, something beyond revision or doubt. He accomplished all he had hoped. Roddick? He took his own place in the annals of the game. It is that place where the fighters reside, the men who make the challenge ultimately so worthwhile.

Neil Harman, The Times

Roddick went back to his chair, dropped his racket at his feet and stared at the ground, to be roused by shouts of "Roddick, Roddick". Not even in New York, at home, where he won his ground-breaking first grand-slam title in 2003, had the crowd reacted to him so. He rose and applauded them back. One hoped that at home, the Americans were raising their chilled beers to him. He had been heroic, he had been human, he had given all he had.

Federer was about to raise the cup again. Glory, glory to the champion. Roddick had lost, but he hadn't really.

Ah, there's the moral victory that Roddick wouldn't acknowledge, but the press was all too giddy to bestow on him. But in reality, Roddick was a winner — for British bettors:

chickendinner tipped A-Rod to reach the final, which if you bet with Paddy Power as we advised would have earned you a £50 return on a £5 E/W stake, although it could have been £145 if he hadn't tired at the end.

The wienerschnitzel's on me if you can put that into proper English.

Only the greatest could have won against Roddick [Daily Mail]
Roddick's courage ensures an epic finale [The Independent]
Crazy Sunday afternoon leaves Roddick a broken man [The Times]
Heroic Andy Roddick nets chickendinner a tidy profit [chickendinner]