Oh, and T.O. says he wants the ball more. Another scoop for Deion!

• Browns Want Cowher Power. They're 4-6, profane emails are flying all over the place and staph infections are running rampant. Who better to pull the Browns out of their current morass than Bill Cowher, who can defeat bacteria with his menacing stare alone? "Per the source, the Browns are willing to give Cowher a contract worth $8 million to $9 million per year." [Pro Football Talk]

• All Signs Point To Go. Brady Quinn was examined by a hand specialist on Thursday, and has been declared fabulous, plus OK to play on Sunday against the Texans. Quinn complained of soreness during Wednesday's practice and was found to have a slightly fractured pinky on his throwing hand. [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

• Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! ... Jerry Jones takes part of the responsibility for Pacman Jones' suspension. "Yes, I do take responsibility for the fact that it was my own security that the issue was part of," Jones said. "Because it was my guy there that created the problem. ... The way that it was supposed to work in my mind, to some degree, we wouldn't have had that problem." [USA Today]

• Just Call Him Hanging Chad. The Cincinnati Bengals deactivated receiver Chad Ocho Cinco for tonight's game against the Steelers, so adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly. The reason: Violating a team rule. That takes in a LOT of territory, especially when you're talking about Ocho. But that's all the team's saying. T.J. Houshmandzadeh will get even more catches, I suppose. [NBCSports]

• Oh Sweet Merciful Baby Jesus, Make It Stop. Speculation has resumed about Brett Favre's retirement plans, according to the New York Post, which writes: "This offseason figures to contain plenty of drama surrounding Favre's future." For his part, Favre says he "has absolutely no idea" if he's coming back. [New York Post]

• Role Model, Indeed. Spotting a homeless man outside of a Cinemark Theatre in Dallas, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo paid for the guy to come inside and sit with him and a friend for the movie. The featured selection? Role Model. Bonus quote: Romo, who confirmed the story but didn't want to elaborate, waved Doc over to sit by him and his friend. Doc sheepishly mentioned that he hadn't showered in a few days. "Don't worry about that," Romo said. "I'm used to locker rooms." [Dallas Morning News]

• X-box, Here I Come. Terrell Owens reports flu-like symptoms, Dallas Cowboys excuse him from practice on Wednesday. This can't be considered bad news for the 49ers, who play the Cowboys on Sunday. [Star Telegram]

• Driver's Father In Trouble. The father of Green Bay Packers receiver Donald Driver was involved in an altercation with Houston police on Wednesday and is in the hospital, family members said. Police said Driver was arrested for outstanding traffic warrants and was found to be "unresponsive" upon his arrival at jail. Paramedics transported him to the hospital, they said. Key graph from story: As they beat him and forced him to swallow something, the officers told Marvin Driver Jr. he was "going to see Jesus," according to relatives and community activist Quanell Evans, who identified himself as Quanell X.

By the way, for those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Letterman and his variety show, this explanation from the Dallas Morning News should help:

David Letterman's Top Ten List has become a staple on his late night comedy show. Mr. Letterman regularly uses the lists to address current events and issues in a comical way.

Outrageous! This Letterman character sounds like quite a rake! I shall endeavor to learn more about his follies post-haste!

Terrell Owens takes jabs at himself, others in Letterman Top Ten list [Dallas Morning News]
The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

Or perhaps he was going for more of a 1970s Robin Williams thing. Or he could have been part of the Steve Urkel wave of the '90s, or be a fan of Dr. Seuss. Anyway, these golfers say he looks snappy.

T.O. WTF Are You Wearing??? Terrell Owens Goes Kanye West [Black Sports Online]

PHOTO: Ganked from the Mighty MJD's Shutdown Corner

Owens used his weekly radio show to explain that his comments on Sunday were said merely out of frustration due to the loss to the Washington Redskins and that the fact that roughly half the balls thrown his way were "not a valid catchable pass" is not a reflection on the skills of the man throwing them or the offense that created them. So everything's cool ... ALL RIGHT!? What is not all right, however, is when a no-talent washout like Keyshawn Johnson dares to criticize him from his ESPN analyst chair.

"Then, Owens turned his attention to Johnson, who he referred to as "Sheshawn" on three separate occasions, the Star-Telegram reported.

(As the No. 1 overall pick in the 1996 draft) he is the ultimate underachiever on that (ESPN) panel. I am the reason he is in the booth," Owens said. "Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas, he was the one they let go to get me here."

Sooooo ... no hard feelings then? It's kind of hard to know who to side with here. T.O. vs. Keyshawn? Can we get Deion Sanders or Pete Rose involved somehow?

In other news, Terrell Owens has a weekly radio show? How is that not simulecast on all ESPN networks, TBS, Comedy Central and C-SPAN?

• T.O. reportedly defends Romo, rips 'Sheshawn' [MSNBC]

Clearly there is only one way to settle all of this jibber-jabber: a Pentathlon between Owens, Ochocinco, Phelps, Bolt, and Wineberg.

The 400-meter sprint and a swimming discipline of Phelps' choice will be the corner stone events with the remaining three up for debate. I'd suggest the future Olympic sport of pole dancing or perhaps the up-and-coming doobie-rolling competition.

It's unclear what event would give an edge to the NFL stars. Perhaps the linguistic event of Jawing or the Zoolander approved Diva-off.

What do you suggest?

>>Olympic Gold Medalist Challenges Chad Johnson to a Race [FanHouse]

Terrell has it right when he says Philadelphia was in love with him when he was wearing Eagles green during 2004. It was amazing. However, the argument of which guy had a bigger impact on the other’s play isn’t worth having and something Owens continually brings up. They both clearly stepped up each other’s game.

The Linc chanting, “Teee Ohhh, Teee Ohhh, T. O.” was a beautiful thing. I get excited now just thinking about how awesome that team was. But Terrell gets it wrong when he says the rift was due to Donovan’s feelings and antics.

He cites Donovan being jealous where as most Philadelphians will tell you that it was McNabb who went about business as usual. Donovan wasn’t the one who suggested he’d rather have another team’s receiver to throw balls to, Donovan wasn’t the one who whined and complained his way out of town.

Terrell Owens’ most recent rant is quasi delusional. Not only that, but the entire crew of ESPN’s NFL Game Day show agrees with me.

Whoa.

Tom Jackson points out the fact that T.O. is 1-3 against the Eagles since joining the Cowboys. Talk after you win.

Mike Ditka calls Terrell’s antics childish and expresses Owens’ need to let it go.

Chris Carter wins the sound bite war by saying T.O. has to realize that “we’re not going to love him as much as he loves himself.”

Even T.O.’s homeboy, Keyshawn Johnson, tries to bite his lip and pleads with Owens to leave all this revisionist history alone and lead your team to a Super Bowl. He points out that Donovan was winning and going to Pro Bowls before Terrell got there, McNabb played in the 2004 conference playoffs without a receiver and did just fine, and when the focus shifted back to Owens in the Super Bowl, they lost.

Keyshawn gets it right. We know T.O. is an incredible football player, but his revisionist history is childish.

Donovan McNabb wasn’t jealous of Terrell Owens. It was the other way around. And holy shit!, everyone seems to be in agreement about it for once.

Also, Fuck Dallas.

Warning: the audio in the video is slightly off. But you get the gist of it.

image via SI.com

Once again, T.O. finds his head popping up within close range of strange short-ham, thanks to TMZ's photographer who captured the l wide out within sniffing distance of another female trunkage at a Hamptons nightclub.

Perhaps his affinity for all things Daisy Duke is what possessed him to allegedly try to bust through the velvet ropes atthe Bank nightclub in Vegas showing a little too much leg for the bouncer's taste.

T.O. Goes Up The Middle [TMZ]
Falling Short [Page Six]

Ostensibly there to promote his assuredly brilliant appearance opposite Flavor Flav in a sitcom, Owens talked about a new project he had coming up.

Media Blitz: Let's jump right in. This is awesome news. Terrell Owens and Flavor Flav. You have to admit, that's a wacky combo, no?

Owens: Well, you never know. That's not going to be the [last] of wacky combos you're going to hear of. And that's an FYI, hint-hint, so to speak. But Flavor Flav, he produced his own show, "Under One Roof" ...

Hold on, what's this "FYI, hint-hint" business?

(Laughs) It's a little business venture that I've got going on that's going to shock a lot of people.
And? What is it?
Naw, can't say right now. It's something that's in the works.

Is T.O. investing in BangBros porn films? It's quite the leap, sure, but we guess a lot of people would be shocked by that. But not us: We just hope Romo is a co-investor.

Ten Fun Minutes With Terrell Owens [ESPN]
Terrell Owens Confirms His Next Project [Fire Everybody]

The letter, addressed to Nik Richie, blah-blah-blahs about all the problems the site has caused for T.O.'s "image" and demands a retraction of the language used in the post and the photo come down.

Nik Richie and his Dirty fellas are kind of pissed, obviously.

Good times. You can read through the letter and marvel at Lerner's legalese.

(UPDATE: Nik Richie tells us he's "Not worried" about any of the legal bitch slapping taking place about this.)

I contacted the BangBros. production facilities in the hopes of getting on the phone with one of the executives of the company, but none were available. Instead, I had numerous brief, unsuccessful conversations with a woman answering the Bang Bros. phone line — a woman whose hint of a Spanish accent and street-hardened annoyance could very well land her a permanent spot on the casting couch as "receptionist at a porno production company."

"Sir, I have no idea what you (sic) talking about. You didn't talk to me. We have tree (sic) receptionists here. I don't know no T.O. person."

Fine, it could've been another woman I spoke with yesterday. At least, she called me "Sir." Either way, there was nary a non-receptionist person willing to get on the phone to clarify if it actually was Terrell Owens.

But, then, late last night, the incriminating photo of Terrell Owens in the background of "Spring Break Ass" was cropped out.

Who did this? Was it the Bang Bros.? Was it Terrell Owens? Was it Drew Rosenhaus? Was it Vanessa Lee (NSFW), star of "Spring Break Ass" and other "Ass Parade" and "Tug Job" videos completely annoyed that the Cowboys' wide receiver was stealing her ass time?

The truth is out there...

T.O. Loves Porn? [State Of Miami]

Owens, whose previous acting work includes episodes of "Punk'd" and the movie "Any Given Sunday" tells the AP he's "excited" and "grateful" for the opportunity.

The series begins April 16 on MyNetworkTV. You know, the network with all of those Tyler Perry shows.

Terrell Owens To Appear On Flavor Flav's New Show [You Been Blinded]
Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens to Guest On Flav's New Sitcom [AP]

Cameras caught Bonds at the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, peer pressuring the NFL's biggest crybaby into downing a performing enhancing substance — Le Tourment Vert absinthe. We're not sure which is more shocking, the look on T.O.'s face when he tries to suck it down, or the fact that Bonds managed to squeeze his gigantic head through the casino door.

Common Barry, unlike you, T.O. has a job. He has to get up in the morning!

T.O. To Barry Bonds: Gimme The Juice* [TMZ]

When it comes to sticking up for his Dallas teammates, Owens has no equal. He just won't stand for any disrespect to the Cowboys. Nope, won't tolerate it.

Now, show of hands: Between Eli Manning and Owens, how many of you thought that it would be T.O. who would be crying after that game?

Video: Terrell Owens Crying In Post Game Press Conference [The 700 Level]

And, of course, this was inevitable.

T.O., who still is "iffy" for the Cowboys playoff opener in a couple of weeks, has trademarked the name "I Love Me Some Me". Apparently, he wants it to be on theme restaurants or something. Here's the actual trademark application.

On December 14, 2007, American football star Terrell Owens (T.O.) filed to protect the trademark I Love Me Some Me in relation to restaurants, clothing and cups.

We kind of love the idea of going to a "I Love Me Some Me" restaurant chain. And then, after dinner, your waiter tries to kill himself and then denies it later, blaming it on the incompetent nincompoop who writes the menus.

"I Love Me Some Me" [Trademork]

After a media firestorm was created with his comments about Tony Romo's girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, being a distraction, Terrell Owens said he was joking and that he's sorry. "I tried to get [Romo] to call her so I can explain to her that she doesn't really know me and that I can be funny," Owens said. "And that everything I say, the media will take it and run with it. It's not a big deal. I will try to rectify the situation between her and I."

Before Cowboys practice on Wednesday afternoon, Owens said Simpson was a problem for Romo. "Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," Owens said. "I think with everything that has happened, and obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she's kind of taken his focus away."

Was Owens just joking as he claims, or did he realize that he'd put his foot in it once again and had to scramble to try and fix it? Please vote now.

Anyway, The Boys Blog had a more interesting take than Owens', and it came two days earlier.

Dallas Cowboys' TO Sorry For Simpson Comments [Dallas Morning News]
Jessica Simpson = Memo Paris? [The Boys Blog]

The way his mind works, he probably thinks he did know his plays. In training camp, the Cowboys asked him not to focus on a segment of the playbook because he was having a difficult time grasping it. But you would figure a prideful player like T.O. — at some point during the season — would familiarize himself with every facet of the playbook, if for no other reason to make sure the Cowboys threw him the ball even more. But he didn't.

Sorry to break in on your NCAA Hoops happy vibe, but to recap, the guy who is always complaining that he doesn't get the ball doesn't even learn his entire playbook. That sound you hear is Tom Landry whirling, lathe-like, in his grave.

T.O. Didn't Know Entire Playbook [Dallas Morning News]

"How'd you like to coach Terrell Owens?" Knight said. "Terrell Owens would have gotten me out of coaching a hell of a lot quicker than he got Parcells out of it."

For the record, we'd not only buy season tickets to Texas Tech basketball home games if Owens played there, we'd also be at every practice. No doubt the resulting carnage would one day be recreated a very special episode of CSI: Lubbock.

Knight Delivers Thoughts On Tuna's Retirement [Daily Torreador, via NBA Fanhouse]
TO Claims He Didn't Rip Parcells, Report Says [MSNBC]

Most remember Ms. Etheredge from her famous "There are 25 million reasons for Terrell to be alive" comment from her press conference after Owens' supposed suicide attempt last September. The comment somehow made Owens look worse, and man, that's tough to do. We remember Etheredge mostly for the ethical dilemma she faced when she found Owens "overdosing" on pain pills; it reminded us that being a publicist is sometimes the exact opposite of being a human being.

Either way, Owens canned her yesterday, and all told ... it would pretty tough to debate that decision. As we said the day of Owens' "suicide attempt:" "If [the overdose] really was just an allergic reaction, and the only reason anybody is saying 'depression' and 'suicide' is because she told the police that ... heavens, there has never, ever been a worse publicist than Kim Etheredge." We still think Owens tried to commit suicide — it's the most logical conclusion from the facts — but we still think there might have never been a worse publicist than Kim Etheredge.

Though we did find this quote from Pegasus News amusingly offensive: "I bet you could find 5.15 reasons to hire Kim Etheredge."

Kim Etheredge Fired [WBRS Sports Blog]
The Human Being Vs. The Publicist [Deadspin]

More impressive, though, might be Carson Palmer's — excuse me, Anthony Wright's — back-up, Doug Johnson. The Bengals 3rd string QB cracked the top six in the voting with 2.3%. I wouldn't have guessed that 2.3% of NFL players would have even voted for Doug Johnson as an NFL player.

To get that kind of a percentage while being that anonymous of a guy ... Well, Doug Johnson must work very hard at being a prick, much harder than he works at being a quarterback. It says here that the biggest knock on him at the time he was drafted was that he was "immature." I'm guessing that's an understatement.

Either that, or he's the one guy on the Bengals roster who will say things like, "Hey, Chris Henry, you probably don't need to carry that gun into the shower with you," or maybe, "Chris, I was thinking that the huddle might not be the most appropriate place for a bottle of courvoisier." I could see a large portion of the Bengals roster finding that goody-two-shoes act annoying.

It's also disappointing to see Fred Smoot on the list with 2% of the vote. He's really only annoying if you don't like things being shoved in you.

Who is the most annoying player in the NFL? [SI.com]
Getting to know Vick's replacement [NFL.com]

He admitted it, too. "I got frustrated and I apologize for that," Owens said. "It was a situation where he kept bugging me and getting in my face."

Well, you certainly wouldn't expect anyone in the NFL to bug you or get in your face. The NFL, if nothing else, is a league of politeness and respect for personal boundaries. That's why there's a 10-yard penalty for close-talking, and a 15-yarder for invasion of the personal space. Hall managed not to get flagged, though, and the Cowboys opted against challenging the call.

I don't even know where the frustration comes in. Owens had already beaten Hall for a 51-yard touchdown, the Cowboys were winning the game, and he wasn't involved in the play that occurred right before the spitting. He's just sensitive. Reeeeally sensitive.

Hall angry that Owens spit in his face [Fox Sports]

The Big Lead, with the help of their readers, reports that Paige said something like, "The person who is informing the media is a frustrated receiver who is upset that TO is close to getting 1,000 yards, and that person's initials are..."

And then not only ESPN bleeped out whatever he said next, but took the extra step of blurring out his mouth, so his lips couldn't be read. But a couple of The Big Lead's commenters said it was still somehow clear that Paige said, "T.G." Another blog, Reelpeeplz, reports hearing the same thing.

A public Terry Glenn vs. Terrell Owens feud, I think we could all agree, would be fantastic ... but also terribly destructive for the Dallas Cowboys. Terrell Owens deserves some credit for keeping the snitch's identity to himself, because he's right, it would be a huge distraction. But thankfully, Woody Paige is out there doing the work of snitching his damn self bringing the truth to light, so Owens and Glenn can have an honest and open discussion about it. I can't wait.

TO's Snitch ... Revealed by Woody? [The Big Lead]
Could Woody Have Outted The Cowboy's Snitch? [Reelpeeplz]
Owens blames 'snitch' for problems in Dallas [USA Today]

Paranoid delusion is such an ugly phrase. So let's just say that Owens believes that there is a snitch on the Cowboys who is leaking personal information about him to the media.

"Yeah, that's my main part of frustration," Owens said on Wednesday. "It's like, you want to be part of this team and feel part of it, but it's hard to do that when you feel like there are guys you feel like you don't trust. It's just not happening." Although T.O. has a good idea of who is snitching — "This is not a situation where someone is hiding out in the bushes," he said — he won't confront the suspect until "the time is right."

We have our guesses. We'll leave it to the Cultural Oddsmaker to dole out exact odds on the entire field, but let's just say that Drew Bledsoe has to be on the board at no less than 3-1. And although coach Bill Parcells himself is a huge longshot, wouldn't it be awesome if it was him? We bet it's Vanderjagt, still lurking around Cowboys offices.

Of course, "Dropped on his head as a child" is even money.

A Snitch Among Cowboys, Accuses Owens [MSNBC]

A trainer was injured during a show Wednesday at SeaWorld Adventure Park after Shamu the killer whale grabbed his foot and pulled him underwater twice, authorities said.

OK, the thing that really caught our eye about this story is the photo. Does anyone find it ironic that Shamu has a high-paying job kicking footballs, and Mike Vanderjagt doesn't? No? We withdraw the question.

Cowboys receiver/shrinking violet Terrell Owens does not, however.

"I don't see what he did wrong to warrant him being cut," Owens said Wednesday. "I hope it doesn't come back to haunt us. ... Going into the Colts game, the guy was 12-of-15. That's still a high kicking percentage. He didn't lose any games for us. If I had to put myself in the mix, I feel like I lost some games and I'm still here, so it's just unfortunate."

Owens was then grabbed by the foot and held underwater by Flozell Adams.

T.O. Questions Cowboys' Release of Vanderjagt [MSNBC]
Killer Whale Shamu Attacks SeaWorld Trainer [MSNBC]

Bill Parcells is having a hard time with this whole business.

I'm ashamed to put a team out there that played like that. I apologize to the people who came out to watch that."

Considering this was the "win-it-all" season for Parcells and the Cowboys, we legitimately wonder if this might be the last time we ever see Parcells coach. This can't be much fun, and he has already sullied whatever "legacy" he had — that legacy being man boobs, Gatorade baths and Lawrence Taylor — and they're obviously not going to win the Super Bowl. It's really the perfect scenario for those who hate the Cowboys; they're imploding, they have no real plan and they're this close to blowing it all up and starting over. Hell, Redskins fans could rejoice ... if they didn't have plenty of problems of their own.

But yeah: Terrell Owens didn't need to destroy this team; they're doing just fine on their own.

Has He Lost His Winning Style? [SBS Sports Blog]

On a day they'll talk about in Philadelphia for many years, the legendary lunatics that are Philly sports fans were in rare form yesterday for Terrell Owens' return to the city of liberty. These are our personal favorite four photos of the many we were sent.

The Fanhouse and The 700 Level have some gorgeous ones too, though, as far as these matters go, we think it's pretty tough to beat a pink Owens jersey with "Fistfull of pills up your ass!" scrawled on it.

One of the most vivid memories of the infamous J.D. Drew night at Vet Stadium was, at various points during the game, my father and I would just stand up to watch the crowd. The score of the game, the innings — all of it irrelevant as we watched the misguided anger wash over the stadium , section by section, row by row. This wasn't normal Philadelphia booing; it was sinister, ominous and had lost all semblance of humanity. Of course, people yelled. The batteries came down. And signs were unfurled. One in particular, "J.D. JEW" spoke volumes about how thoughtlessly cruel some idiot fans can be. Even worse? That even though it was in plain site of plenty of maroon golf-shirted Vet stadium staff, they weren't asked to put it away. Why? Well, when thousands of riled-up drunk people are packing batteries and spark plugs to throw at a baseball player in order to show their "passion," little things like anti-semitism become less of an immediate problem.

So, regardless of the extra uniformed police, the plainclothes police, the snipers, the tear gas, the missile launchers or whatever other beefed-up security is paraded out into the gaping maw posing as The Linc this weekend there's gonna be some trouble, kids. You know that guy at the bar, the one who gets progressively drunker, louder and more belligerent as the night goes on.? That's Philadelphia this week. And just like that guy at the bar, you can't keep your eyes off of him. Because you know, at some point, he's going to start swinging.

So, I'm putting on my raggedy Calvin-pissing-on-a-Cowboys t-shirt, my Cheesesteak head and my limited edition Frank Rizzo boxer shorts to place odds on some of the fans most likely to be ejected from this weekend's Eagles/Cowboys game.

For the love of Gregg "Trash" Garrity, jump with me.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Goateed Man With Own Name on Back of Eagles Jersey: 4/1

The Great Northeast's finest love to spend their hard earned money at Modell's to get their last names stitched on the back of a McNabb jersey. These people want to prove that they're not just fans: They're super fans! Beware of that squatty fella in the black and green. Hey, you can't treat him that way. Don't you know who that is? That's ol' number 5. Dinunzio.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Punch thrown at yellow jacketed security guard.

Man Wearing Sweatpants: 3/1

Fresh off the morning shift at Magglio's Sausage, this guy will smell like a mix of bracciole and Kools and had spent the last 10 minutes before kickoff shot-gunning beers behind Chickie's and Pete's. Once at the game, the first penalty flag will set him off in a profanity-laced tirade about the inconsistencies of holding penalties articulated most effectively by starting the "Azzzz-ole" chant.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Urinating in popcorn box at seat.

Dumpy Young Woman in Gray Hooded Sweatshirt and Pink Eagles Baseball Hat: 4/1

Even though she spent all night partying at Brownie's 23 East until 3 a.m. the night before (she knew the bartender), this classy young lady will still rally enough to wake up at 8:30 a.m. to meet the gang down at Pole 8 for some tailgating. She'll be wearing flip-flops, pounding Yuenglings and taking countless pictures of her and her friends with her cellphone. But don't be fooled by the raspy voice, the raucous laughter and how friendly she is to everyone in her section. Go ahead: Ask her to please stop kicking your chair. Or screaming in your ear. Or spilling beer on your wife's back. See how she reacts.
Most likely thrown out for: Spitting at Landmark concession stand vendor who cut her off before halftime.

Dudes in Mike Zordich Jerseys: 3/1

Treat them the same way you treat guys who own pick-up truck with confederate flag mud flaps. The Zordiches (Zordich-i?) cheer the loudest right before kickoff, but halfway through the first quarter, their attention span will turn to stealthily pouring their Hawaiian Punch Rum Runners into white plastic cups, not so tastefully requesting any woman in their section to take their tops off and pointing out people who "need their ass kicked."
Most likely to be tossed out for: Throwing empty cup at black guy in Roy Williams jersey three rows down.

The Black Guy in the Roy Williams Jersey: 1/1

Hey, he probably said something to provoke it.
Most likely to be thrown out for: Causing scene over alleged "cup" thrown at him during game.

As if they had nothing better to argue about, Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb are feuding over a text message that Owens may or may not have received from his former Eagles' teammate. McNabb says he sent Owens' good tidings after T.O.'s trip to the hospital last week, which may or may not have been a suicide attempt. But Owens said he never got the message. Hilarity ensued.

"I think the message was sent," McNabb told the Associated Press. "If he read it or received it, then I think he would know."

And:

"Look, I'm not trying to start anything," Owens said. "He's a smart guy. If he wanted my number, he could've gotten it."

We hear that the two of them will meet in some sort of football game this Sunday.

• You Go, Keyshawn . Do we really need another scandal in which former victims continue to appear out of the woodwork? Panthers' center Justin Hartwig says that he, too, was a victim of Albert Haynesworth's foot three years ago (the Titans' defensive tackle was suspended five games for stomping on Andre Gurode's head on Sunday). Hartwig says that Haynesworth kicked him in the chest during a training camp drill in 2003 when both played for the Titans. This, of course, prompted Panthers' receiver Keyshawn Johnson to pipe up: "I wouldn't want him on my team. That's just me. I don't condone it. I don't think it's cool. If somebody did that on this team when I was here, I'd tell (owner Jerry Richardson) the same thing, 'I don't want him on my team. I'm not going to play with a dude doing that on my team.' "

• Randy Moss Has His Finger On The Problem. It's the age-old question: If Randy Moss spouts off in the forest, does it make a sound? In his latest rambling manifesto, Moss told Fox Sports Radio that he wasn't concerned about the team's poor start because "it doesn't seem like nobody else is concerned." Ignoring his double negative, Moss continued "I mean, I don't really know what the feeling is. But I know the feeling is bad, so that's saying no one cares about what's going on around here." To which head coach Art Shell responded: "I don't worry about that. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't worry about that." Yeah, it's like a passenger on the Titanic complaining about the noise in the next stateroom.

T.O.-McNabb Feud Heats Up Over Text Message [MSNBC]
Keyshawn Rips Tempermental Haynesworth [MSNBC]
18 And Unhappy [SF Gate]

We know we're still five days away, but honestly, we really can't overstate our excitement for Terrell Owens returning to Philadelphia this weekend. We don't mean to imply that this might be the single greatest moment in Philadelphia fan history ... but everything's breaking their way.

• The Eagles are in first place, and the Cowboys are probably their main obstacle toward staying there.

• The Philly fans are already in rare form: from all accounts, they were having tons of fun with the ESPN Gameday crew there last night. Reports one reader:

"I do not know if there are any other pictures, video or stories to support this, but the scene behind the MNF pre-game in Philly was uncomfortable at best, scary at worst. TJ was let off the hook. Berman got quite a few YWML screams, including yours truly Steve Young's orientation was questioned, but the chants sent to the Playmaker while on live TV sent Philly fans to a new low, which hard to do. Between the constant 'Dallas Sucks,' ' You Suck,' ' You're an asshole' and the very nice 'Where's your crack pipe?' It was wild. Berman turned to the crowd every couple of seconds to try and shut us up, which enraged the guys Finally, Michael flipped us off, mouthed 'fuck you!' and held up three fingers and counted his "rings," all while Berman and Young were live."

• Last night, the Lincoln Financial "Fan Of The Game" ... was ejected.

It's enough to inspire the KSK guys to make a list of potentially lethal items to throw at Owens, noting that "you have been presented with a golden opportunity to create a landmark moment in the history of sporting violence. ... You possess that all-too-rare combo of stupidity and obliviousness to pull it off."

Oh man, oh man, oh man, we absolutely cannot wait.

Strangely, insanely, yeah, it kind of is. Owens is back to "questionable" for the game against Tennessee on Tuesday, he's talking mostly about his hand and everyone seems to have moved onto the Cardinals' collapse as the big story in sports. This, only two days after every news outlet in the country was running breaking news based off a perfectly valid police report.

It's worth noting that the police's downgrading of the incident was not an admission of any kind of mistake by the police; far from it, in fact. But it's clear that Winston Wolf and the cleanup crew is in full force, so quickly after an incident that's always going to be shrouded in mystery and doubt.

Remember that trainer who went off message yesterday and expressed his sincere concern for Owens' well being? Well, Owens fired him yesterday. And all is clean, and it's time to focus on the field boys, and jeez, what was all the fuss about anyway?

Etheredge 9-1-1 Call [Fort Worth Star Telegram]
Owens Fires Trainer [Cowboys Plus]

And we don't understand it, because there's still every reason to be skeptical of the statements from both Owens and his publicist Kim Etheredge yesterday. Whether or not it was a misunderstanding or an actual suicide attempt, the evidence continues to mount that the "allergic reaction" theory is specious, at best.

In addition to the public report that plainly states that Etheredge was hollering about depression and suicide, there's now word that Owens had been actively distraught in recent days. Why? Well, his fiancee broke up with him this week. No, seriously: She really did.

"That's been coming on forever," [the trainer] said of the breakup. "She's not a bad girl. She's cool, she's fine. He said, 'Can I take a break from the engagement?' And she said, 'No, let's just put a stop to it.' And that was a complete surprise to Terrell."

To be fair, the trainer says he doesn't believe Owens tried to kill himself. But, uh ... why is no one talking about this? That certainly seems like something worth bringing up, right?

That said, if Owens did actually try to kill himself, we hope his suicide note looked like this.

Trainer: Owens Had Issues With Son, Fiancee [The Fanhouse]
Terrell Owens Suicide Note [College Humor]
The Human Being Vs. The Publicist [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: How amused are we by the Dallas Police Association's response to Etheredge? Here it is:

Fancy little football person! Ah, Texas.)

Is Kim Etheredge the worst publicist of all time, or is she merely a decent human being? And, perhaps more pressing: Is it possible that she's the former because she's the latter?

Let's take a look again at the facts that we know from the police report, which, no matter how many people try to tell you otherwise, has absolutely no reason to lie. (Unless, of course, it's an O.J.-style frame job to convince the world that Owens is suicidal. Hey, it's Texas, it's possible.)

Etheredge, Owens' personal publicist, found him last night disoriented and/or overdosing on medication. She told police that he said he was "depressed" and that a prescription for 40 pain bills had been filled earlier that week. Before this exact incident, Owens had taken five pain pills. Etheredge now realized they were all gone, and she watched Owens put two pills in his mouth, which she tried to extract. The police, witnessing the empty bottle, asked him if he had taken them. He said "yes." He was asked if he was trying to harm himself. He said "yes."

These are the facts: There is no way police could have gotten any of this information from anyone other than Etheredge. And there is no reason for them to lie.

Today, Etheredge, no longer a panicked woman afraid her friend and/or star client was about to die, put the personal publicist hat back on and denied everything that the police said. Their information, of course, came directly from her in the first place. And she is saying it didn't happen. As is Owens.

So, the question you have to ask here: Which Kim Etheredge do you trust more?

Do you trust the one who witnessed a man that she sees every day — presumably cares for, cleans up after, pampers — overdosing on 30-plus pain pills and immediately calls 9-1-1, telling paramedics in a panic that he was trying to kill himself?

Or do you trust the one who realized that she's not a human being: She's a publicist, and her job is to make Terrell Owens look like everything is just fine?

Do you trust the human, or do you trust the publicist? Where you stand on that issue will give you a pretty good idea whether or not Terrell Owens attempted to kill himself last night. Because if it really was just an allergic reaction, and the only reason anybody is saying "depression" and "suicide" is because she told the police that ... heavens, there has never, ever been a worse publicist than Kim Etheredge.

Terrell Owens Police Report [The Smoking Gun]

(Hold off there: It has been postponed until 3:30 ET.) Bill Parcells is speaking at 2:30 ET, however, presumably with a high level of grumpiness.

So, to bring you up to date, before that point:

• The Dallas police said they didn't want the initial report being released at all. But it clearly states that T.O. said "yes" when asked if he was trying to harm himself. They're now not confirming or denying that there was a suicide attempt. But he's out of the hospital at least.

• Owens' publicist is now officially denying it, however, saying she called 9-1-1 because he had a bad reaction to the pain medication, despite the initial report's claim that he took "30 or so" pills. For the record, if he actually didn't try to kill himself, and she called 9-1-1 and told police he had, and this is all just a big mess ... she's the worst goddamned public relations flack we've ever come across and should obviously be fired immediately.

• A rep in Drew Rosenhaus' office is saying it was a bad reaction to pain medication, and those guys would never, ever lie about anything.

• We have to say, Trey Wingo has done a rather outstanding job today on ESPN and ESPNews dealing with all this madness, bringing in all kinds of disparate information live on the air. He was rewarded by being pre-empted so Bob Ley could show up and do his impression of a Serious Reporter. (UPDATE: Wingo's back now.)

• The kids at Kissing Suzy Kolber have all kinds of irresponsible (and, therefore, quite fun) theories.

• Several media folks have pointed out that our Deadspin Hall Of Fame nominee Darren Prince has been offering up his commenting services to the press, saying "I don't think this incident will hurt T.O.'s marketability at all. If anything, it shows his human side. Dennis Rodman attempted suicide in 1994 and he is still a very sought after entity today." Yes, Darren: Rodman is still sought after. Totally.

• Seattlest reminds us that Owens wouldn't be the first high-profile athlete to try to kill himself.

(UPDATE: Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Michael Irvin says he has spoken to Owens, and he "absolutely denies" that he tried to kill himself. And then Irvin said the word "discombobobulated.")

(SECOND UPDATE: Owens is about to speak. Our description of the press conference, after the jump.)

(THIRD UPDATE: As mentioned above, the press conference has been rescheduled for 3:30 ET.)

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—
3:44: Terrell Owens takes the stand — and this is what this is — to thank all who helped, and we're all done now. Hmmm.

3:43: She has also denied telling the police that he was depressed and that she took pills out of his mouth. Basically, she's saying that the police are lying and that they are "taking advantage of him because of who he is." That's really what she said. More on this, later.

3:41: Owens' publicist, who looks awfully haggard, says, "Terrell was not coherent to speak. The reason I called was because he was not in his normal responsive state."

3:39: Boy, what a great time for our wireless to go down.

Anyway, Owens has officially denied that he tried to committ suicide. He said there were pills in drawers and that his publicist thought he had eaten them. He also says he did not get his stomach pumped.

3:30: According to ESPN, Owens actually took part in practice today ... which is incredibly bizarre. We're about to get started now.

3:27: You know, we're not sure this isn't all because of Drew Bledsoe. Just a theory.

3:21: So Owens isn't in his front yard, of course: He's at Valley Ranch, the salad dressing of America's Team. And this is starting in about 10 minutes.

2:39: Owens' press conference is at 3:30 now. Why do we have a feeling we're going to be sitting here at 9 p.m., waiting to hear this goofball talk?

2:33: Bill Parcells is talking. The guy's skin is so orange as to be terrifying. He seems to have no idea what's going on. He says he hasn't talked to Owens and knows about as much as any of us do, which is to say, "not much." We'll wait for Owens, we guess.

2:31: The Cowboys are having a press conference. They're telling us nothing. "This is a medical situation about someone's personal health." Yeah.

1:31: Actual update: The press conference has been postponed until 3:15 ET. So we'll be back then.

1:29: GRIPPING UPDATE: "T.O. has poked his head through a door." That sounds like it might have hurt. Maybe he could use some painkillers.

1:25: We're not sure what Dan Le Batard is doing being interviewed like he has any idea what's going on.

1:23: There's about 30 microphones set up for Owens, including one that is big and fluffy and looks like something that would cover a driver. If Owens knows what's good for him, he'll tell Rosenhaus to stay inside.

The Smoking Gun, being The Smoking Gun, has the official (if brief) police report, and FoxNews says Owens was actually gobbling down the pills, Jellybean like. Owens' publicist Kim Etheridge, who made the initial 9-1-1 call, is now backing down a bit, saying that he was just "groggy," according to the mustached Ed Werder of ESPN. In other words: Owens is going to deny this whole suicide business.

The Dallas police just had a press conference — as much as you can call something that allowed no questions a "press conference" — where they said it was "not a criminal offense" and said they had no idea how the initial report came out. And they had no further information. Dallas police are grouchy and unhelpful, it appears. The Cowboys are holding their own press conference at 2:30 p.m. Be ready for a series of "Next Question"s.

Owens Police Report [The Smoking Gun]
Cowboys' Owens Attempts Suicide [Fox News]
T.O. Tried To Kill Himself [Deadspin]

Terrell Owens told police he attempted suicide last night. According to the Dallas Police Department incident report, Owens told police he took more than 30 pills in a suicide attempt. Sources tell CBS 11 News Owens was taken to Baylor Hospital by Dallas Fire Rescue and that emergency room doctors attempted to induce vomiting.

So ... wow. Obviously, lots more details on this as they come.

DPD Report Says Owens Attempted Suicide [CBS 11]

(UPDATE: Dallas' FOX affiliate reports that Owens took the pills at 7:30 p.m. yesterday, and his publicist called 911 at 7:47 p.m. Which seems fitting.)

Okay, he didn't really say that. But you know he wants to. And that might be the most amusing thing about the whole situation; seeing Bill Parcells' hands tied. He walks on eggshells because he doesn't want an Owens blow-up, and he can't speak out on it, because Owens is 100% a Jerry Jones product, and he doesn't want to create any friction with the owner. He's really a spectator in this whole thing.

But as you know, the fine is totally media-created, because those muckrackers are just digging for stories that aren't there. They blow things completely out of proportion! The hamstring injury, the cycling outfit, the refusal to practice, the missing team meetings, the fine... media fabrications, all of them. Move along. There's nothing to see here.

So, Dallas... How's That New Guy Working Out? [Fortress of Pillows]
T.O. going too far? WR reportedly fined $9,500 [ESPN.com]

Terrell Owens, as you might have heard, no longer plays for the Philadelphia Eagles. (He's with the Dallas Cowboys now. They're actually the Eagles' division rival.) Because he left the Philadelphia metro area, he has decided to sell his Moorestown, N.J., house, as we've told you before. Problem is, he can't find anyone to buy it.

Turns out, T.O. has somewhat misjudged the market. "The consensus is that Owens overpaid for the property by possibly $1 million when he purchased it for $3.9 million from Dawn Cline and her husband Dennis in May 2004. According to real estate records, the Clines had purchased the property in September 1998 for $1.150 million." It's important to remember, T.O., that the front lawn is excellent for calisthenics; definitely worth noting in the listing.

T.O. Thinks His House Outplayed Its Contract [The 700 Level]
T.O. Needs Your Spare Change [Deadspin]

Not one usually to second-guess himself, Lurie said if he had to do it over again, he never would have brought Owens to Philadelphia. The Eagles went to the Super Bowl during Owens' first year and then fell to 6-10 during last season, in which Owens' presence or absence created a circus-like atmosphere.

"Looking back on it, you could say there was one year that was great and the second year was a disaster," said Lurie during a nearly 30-minute news conference. "Nobody should be able to be as disruptive and really cut the energy of a team down like what happened this past year. So I think we all learned from that."

We're not so such we'd feel the same way, were we in Lurie's position: Owens did, after all, put the team in a position to go to a Super Bowl that year, and he played his can off in the big game while practically sporting a broken leg. But we do love it when owners have that sudden realization that the obsessive tyrannical leadership that brought them so much success in the private sector simply doesn't fly when your employees, uh, absolutely do not have to listen to you.

Lurie Regrets Ever Having Brought In T.O. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

(By the way, that picture cracks us up.)

Point, laugh, and or post these photos on your local NAMBLA message board.

T.O. Kid! [Eagles Kids Club]