• You know what's on at 1:00 today? Loads and loads of meaningless bullshit. New Orleans is the only team with something to play for, and there's only an outside chance that that one will mean something. Today is a good day for a nap.

• But then you'd miss out on CBS's heavy promotion of this new game show, where people go on TV, get hooked up to a polygraph, and are forced to expose their deep, dark secrets. "If you were sure you wouldn't be caught, would you cheat on your wife?" Let me save you the trouble, sweetheart ... yeah, he would. And now that we've broken up a happy marriage and destroyed two lives, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors!

• I believe I've mentioned him before, but there's a fellow here in a Bernie Kosar jersey. Today, he's sharing a table with a young lady in a Ben Roethlisberger jersey ... I think it's sweet to see two people united by a love of quarterbacks who throw numerous passes that end with the Steelers scoring touchdowns.

• While we're on the subject of jerseys, there's a guy in the crowd in Cleveland who's gone to the trouble of cutting Browns and Colts jerseys in half, and then sewing them together. Terrific investment. I'm sure he'll have many opportunities to wear that.

• Bad news for Derek Anderson ... after throwing 4 interceptions last week, he throws one on the opening drive this week. Given Anderson's contract status, everyone in Ohio's erection for Brady Quinn, and the Browns wobbly playoff status, this could be the end of the short-lived Derek Anderson era in Cleveland. I'd hate to see it end on a down note.

• The Bears are also experiencing a reversal of fortune over the past two weeks, but in the opposite way of Derek Anderson. They jump out to a 10-0 lead over the Saints.

• The waitress today is either new or doesn't usually work the Sunday shift ... she has jugs that are sizable and shapely, and sort of a porn-star look about her. I like her. And she seems really sweet too. This gets me to thinking about porn stars, and how many of them would probably seem like kind, sweet people if you just met them randomly. And many of them probably are kind, sweet people ... I just wonder how much my opinion of someone would change if I met someone like that, and out of the blue, she told me, "Oh, to earn a living, I take semenblasts in the face on film." I hope I wouldn't be too judgmental.

• This is not meant to imply that I believe my waitress takes semenblasts in the face, on film or otherwise. I think it's important to clear that up.

• Anyway, back to football ... the 49ers/Browns and Bears/Saints game are on adjacent televisions, and right now we're going through a period where Chris Weinke and Kyle Orton are both under center. It's a rather brutal assault on the eyes ... this is what's wrong with Week 17 football. The bar could probably save some money on the Sunday Ticket package and just hire a couple of homeless guys to stand up there and throw shit at my eyes for the next three hours, and it would have the same effect.

• In Green Bay, there are three young ladies in the stands in yellow bikinis, and they have some sort of sign that reads, "Brett, you can take your pick" and then something else after that that I don't catch ... I don't know if Brett is entitled to take his pick of the three women, or it's just one of the women, and he has his pick of orifice ... no idea, but I think it's a nice gesture either way.

• By the way, what percentage of women in Green Bay, married or otherwise, would not fuck Brett Favre? That number's gotta be low.

• Favre, in a nice bit of timing, hits Bubba Franks with a touchdown pass. On his way over to the sidelines, Favre sort of forces an official to slap him five on the way off the field ... that looks professional. The official had this "you son of a bitch, you're going to get me in trouble" kind of smile on his face.

• Braylon Edwards catches a touchdown pass from Derek Anderson ... in his post-TD celebration, he was flagged for excessive celebration. They show him on the sidelines complaining, as a coach talks to him, and you can see him end his little rant with, "FUCK HIM."

• That catch by Edwards, by the way, broke the Browns single-season receiving yardage record, previously held by Webster Slaughter. Webster Slaughter is one of the all-time fantastic names in sports.

• Derek Anderson banged his thumb and wrist on somebody's helmet, and he's headed off to the locker room. Brady Quinn is notified that he'll have to stop grabbing dicks for a few minutes and start warming up.

• The hair on Kyle Orton's soul patch area hangs down over his chinstrap. This creates an odd visual.

• I don't know who's calling the Browns/49ers game, but he refers to this as "the start of the Brady Quinn era." That's a little premature, and not entirely respectful of Derek Anderson, is it not? We're automatically closing the door on Derek Anderson, just because the handsome Notre Dame lad is entering a game? I guess that's how you end up with a quarterback history that includes names like Tomczak, Philcox, Testaverde, Zeier, Couch, Detmer, Wynn, Holcomb, Garcia, Dilfer and Frye.

• And a rousing standing ovation for Brady Quinn as he enters the game. More nonsense from the analyst: "Browns fans have been waiting for this all year." I guess these are the Browns fans who prefer 4-12 to 10-6. I'm not anti-Quinn, I promise ... but through Derek Anderson's 29 TD passes and 3,787 yards this season, have people really been waiting on pins and needles for Brady Quinn?

• Okay, now I am anti-Quinn. I'm sorry. I've enjoyed the resurgence of the Browns under Derek Anderson this year, and I think this is bullshit.

• Quinn's first pass attempt is a screen, and it is off by about three yards.

• He's finding a little bit of a groove, however, and has hit three straight completions. As someone waiting eagerly for the opportunity to yell, "Nice throw, cunt," this displeases me.

• And there's a Brady Quinn touchdown pass. Fuck.

• I didn't mention the first one, but when a man returns two consecutive kickoffs for touchdowns, I think that's noteworthy. Texans WR/new star kick returner Andre Davis is a badass.

• The FOX studio crew is doing some highlights and putting on their overexcited schtick ... The Greek theorizes that there are some major self-confidence problems on the set, and it's all an act of overcompensation. I bring up that Terry Bradshaw, as a young man in Pittsburgh, actually did have major self-confidence problems, mainly regarding the fact that he was, or was at least believed to be, quite dumb. Says The Greek, "Man, if you feel dumb in Pittsburgh..."

• During the Browns/49ers game, they have a list of goals that Kellen Winslow had written down prior to the season on a piece of notebook paper. Kellen Winslow writes like a bitch.

• I should point out that I, myself, have been accused of writing like a girl ... but I think my penmanship is more like that of a sophisticated, stylish woman, while Winslow's is more like a junior high school girl. I don't know why this makes me feel better about myself.

• Highlight from a game I'm not seeing: the Dolphins fumble a snap, the Bengals pick it up and take it about 50 yards to the endzone. The camera goes to Bill Parcells, watching from a booth upstairs, rolling his eyes with a "holy fuck, what have I gotten myself into" look on his face.

• Matt Jones — he's a receiver for the Jaguars — has 8 receptions for 138 yards and a touchdown. I do believe that this is the first time I've ever seen Matt Jones play well.

• CBS has been running ads all day for the Brut Sun Bowl. Two questions ... 1) Why isn't it called the Brut Sun Bowl, by Faberge? 2) In the gift bag for that particular bowl, is there actually a bottle of Brut cologne? If so ... prepare to be rendered helpless by the aroma of virile masculinity, ladies of South Florida and Oregon.

• Hey, Soulja Boy is going to be doing a live performance on FOX on New Years Eve. I wonder what song he'll do. For a big occasion like this, I bet he's going to dig pretty deep into his catalogue.

• Well hello, Muff Stubble Girl. She's arrived for the 4:00 shift ... and she walks over, puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "Hi, honey." Impure thoughts follow.

• FOX gives us an extreme close-up of an official's hand. It's from a game that I can't hear, so I have no idea why they're doing it. I learn two things, though ... officials wear NFL-issues watches, and this gentleman is badly in need of some moisturizer.

• Sign at the Bears game: "Beating the Packers twice makes the New Year nice." That's great ... you were in the Super Bowl last year, and you're going to be 7-9. Congrats on those two wins, though. I'm sure the Packers are jealous.

• A fellow has just arrived wearing a yellow, black and white camouflage Ben Roethlisberger jersey. I can't stop looking at it ... I think it's the single ugliest article of clothing I've ever seen. Even now, hours later, the image is so vivid in my mind. I can't believe that we, as a society, have allowed this to happen.

• Saints running back Pierre Thomas is having a huge day. That guy's lucky.

• Drew Brees drops back, and someone commits a holding penalty in the endzone ... that's going to be a safety, and that's going to bring to a close the Saints season. That was a disappointment.

• The Raiders/Chargers game is getting underway, and in an effort to break him in slowly, and let him get a feel for the game, the Raiders open by calling a screen pass for JaMarcus Russell. It is intercepted by defensive end Igor Olshansky.

• One of Phil Simms' keys for Baltimore today against Pittsburgh: "Play the game straight." Good advice. Do not play the game gay.

• LaDainian Tomlinson scores against the Raiders, almost simultaneous to a Ravens touchdown against the Steelers ... and hey, enjoy the 4-seed, Pittsburgh. Tell Jacksonville I said what's up.

• Jim Nantz is enthralled by Ray Lewis' presence on the sidelines, praising him for "staying active in the game, even though he's not playing." He gets credit for watching the game now? What do you expect him to do, Jim Nantz, wrap himself in an electric blanket and get a pedicure on the bench?

• Just minutes later, Nantz is praising Ben Roethlisberger for the same thing ... "staying active in the game." Jim Nantz is fascinated by people who aren't playing, but still watch the game. I can only imagine what he'd say if he were sitting here in the bar, watching me ... I'd be his fucking hero.

• JaMarcus Russell drops back, and this one bounces off of Antonio Cromartie's chest.

• The Ravens have a little band at their games, and the camera swings by them as CBS comes back from commercial ... and one of the guys enthusiastically holds up his sheet music. "YEAH, THAT WAS AN A-FLAT, MOTHERFUCKER!"

• Vikings wide receiver Troy Williamson is wide open by 10 yards in all directions, and Tarvaris Jackson throws a strike ... and it just slides right through his hands. Oh, that's disgraceful ... I hope you've enjoyed your time as a Viking, dickface.

• Cowboys kicker Nick Folk has a field goal attempt blocked by somebody's armpit.

• Philip Rivers is looking deep to Chris Chambers ... and Chambers goes up and snags it out of the air, much like every receiver will have to do if he wants to catch a Philip Rivers pass. I don't remember arm strength being an issue with Phil ... why is it that every pass he throws is such a fucking rainbow anymore? And why has this problem persisted for 17 weeks?

• Jay Cutler drops back to throw, and has the pass batted straight into the air at the line of scrimmage ... he attempts to bat it down into the ground, and completely whiffs on it. I am never inviting him to be on my beach volleyball team.

• I think Pam Oliver is wearing a West Coast Choppers ski cap.

• Stats of note: Rushing yards: Ravens 171, Steelers 26. First downs: Redskins 11, Cowboys 0. I understand that neither of those teams are at full strength, but still, especially in the case of the Steelers ... those are not positive indicators for playoff success.

• JaMarcus Russell (who had actually rebounded to put together a fairly decent game) fumbles in the endzone, and the Chargers fall on it to make it 24-10 ... and at the same time, Troy Smith gets into the endzone for the Ravens to make that game 27-7. Any chance the Steelers had at avoiding Jacksonville in the first round has officially died.

• Clinton Portis gets in the endzone again for the Redskins. It's not a huge surprise that the Redskins are winning this game, since the Cowboys have nothing to play for, but again ... I am surprised that they're beating ass like this. Rushing yards are currently 128-to-1 in favor of Washington.

• And with absolutely zero drama this afternoon, I'm going to call it a day, and a regular season.

• By 12:45, two unusual things have happened today. 1) I got a phone call from my brother who just had a cigarette with Jim Leyland outside of Heinz Field ... and 2) Jason Krause is on the Sunday NFL Countdown set, running some kind of route against Mike Ditka.

• One disappointing thing that has not yet happened today: Mike Ditka did not forget where he was and crack Jason Krause's head open. I'm going to write Ditka a letter and tell him that Krause stole money from the NFLPA Pension Fund to buy baseball cards.

• This has the potential to be a boring Smorgasbord ... I'm going to do what I can for you, but right now, I am one of three people in the room. I'll have little outside help. I think it's the weather that's keeping people away. The forecast calls for this particular area to be a Japanese girl's face, and for a record-setting bukkake snowstorm to coat us this afternoon.

• Whatever storm is coming this way, though, it hit Cleveland first. It looks like they're playing this one on whatever planet it was where Han Solo cut open that big snow horse and shoved Luke inside it. Don't most places cover the field? There's gotta be four or give inches of snow on the ground, even before kickoff. It's a shame they're playing Buffalo and not some warm weather team that might just quit.

• So, the Patriots play the Jets today ... I heard Eric Mangini and Bill Belichick used to be friends or something. It's a shame the Jets aren't better, because this would be a reasonably exciting storyline if it revolved around a game that might be competitive. It's kind of like the WWF spent months building up an Ultimate Warrior vs. Brad Mulkey main event for SummerSlam.

• The ref is making some kind of a call in the Cleveland/Buffalo game, and you can't even fucking see him. Weather like this is where it's going to come in handy to have Brady Quinn on the roster. No one warms teammates packages better than Brady Quinn. No one.

• Pittsburgh's not off to a good start ... their first drive ends with them punting after failing to pick up a 3rd and 16, and now the Jags have ripped off three straight runs of about 6 yards each.

• Kellen Clemens is dead. The media's blaming it on his lifestyle, but I think Richard Seymour just killed him. Seymour devoured his own man, pasted Clemens to the turf, and the wobbler of a pass that ensued was intercepted for an easy Pats touchdown.

• And with this, the Patriots fans start throwing gobs of snow up into the air en masse. This would be cute if it was anyone else doing it.

• The Jets respond as if they have a chance today, though. They end up driving down into the New England red zone, and have a 4th and 2 at New England's 17. Mangini opts against the field goal and goes for it with a Brad Smith gadget play. The word "incomplete" doesn't do justice to exactly how far that was from being a completion.

• Uh-oh ... the Bills long snapper just sailed one over Brian Moorman's head, as if the blizzard didn't make things hard enough on the punters in that game. Moorman chases the ball back to the goal line, and just boots it out of the back of the endzone. That's probably the right call ... I doubt he would've had time to pick the ball up and make a play on it. But even if it wasn't, and he had all the time in the world, I don't blame him for just taking the safety. There's a time to be a hero, and there's a time to say, "Fuck you, asshole. If you're going to snap it over my head, we'll take safeties all fucking day. I'm not getting killed because you're incompetent."

• And the Jets block a Patriots punt ... we've got punt foibles galore. The Jets turn it into a touchdown, and it's 10-7 Pats.

• New policy: today's Smorgasbord is 100 percent about punting. Brian Moorman pulls one down on the fake and runs for a Buffalo first down.

• This is getting ridiculous ... the Patriots return the favor and block a Jets punt, and take the ball at the three yard-line. Laurence Maroney will plunge that into the endzone to make it 17-10.

• I imagine that this is a product of the writers strike, but there seems to be a proliferation of game shows these days. There are enough that Drew Carey's hosting two (one of which is being heavily pimped on CBS today — by the way, has anyone hosted two game shows simultaneously since Alex Trebek did Jeopardy and Classic Concentration?), and Mike Greenberg is hosting one. I stopped watching game shows a long time ago ... I don't know if it was because I turned nine and realized that game shows are inherently brainless, or if it was just because they stopped making new episodes of Card Sharks. But I'd really like for this to continue long enough for Stephen A. Smith to get his own game show. That could be fun.

• Breaking news: Rich Rodriguez is leaving West Fuckin' Virginia for Michi-Fuckin'-Gan. Nah, that doesn't work very well ... let's just call them West Fuckin' Virginia North, since they keep stealing WVU's coaches.

• Kurt Warner must've heard the Rich Rodriguez news, and he's taking it as hard as I am. He's laying into some coordinator on the sidelines. I've never seen Kurt behave this way before ... and so close to Jesus's birthday! The devil has a hold on him.

• While I've spent the last 20 thinking about violent crimes I'd like to commit against Rich Rodriguez and his family, the Jaguars have been mouthfucking (that was one of them) the Steelers for about that same period of time. David Garrard just hit Reggie Williams in the endzone after Ernest Wilford set a Ben Wallace-quality screen for him. 17-7, Jags.

• Check that. 16-7, Jags. They mangled the extra point.

• You know one of the things I like about cold weather football, other than watching it from a warm sports bar? Those big jackets they wear over their pads. I've always thought those looked kind of bad-ass. The Browns are sporting jackets today that have some old-ass logo on them. I think it's this guy. These might be the same jackets they were rocking in the 60s.

• The Jags have the ball back, and David Garrard is looking deep for Dennis Northcutt ... and oh dear, the rough stretch for Steelers safety Anthony Smith continues. That was his play to make, and he did not make it. 23-7, Jaguars.

• Check that ... 22-7. They fucked up the extra point again.

• Another Steelers drive stalls ... and most fans in the building are either streaming out of the exits or staying and booing. Hm. This is the kind of behavior that Steelers fans like to make fun of other fans for.

• Meanwhile, the Jets find themselves down just 7 with 6:00 to play ... Marty Jannetty has found a way to compete with the Warrior.

• And now we've got some life for Pittsburgh, too. Anthony Smith intercepts a pass (maybe he won't be cut until next week) and puts a decent return on it. The Steelers are not dead.

• Hines Ward finishes off the drive for the Steelers. What looked like a Jags runaway is now 22-14. Several Steelers fans remain to see it.

• Brett Favre just broke the all-time record for passing yards (makes masturbatory motion).

• The Steelers would have a better chance at a comeback here if there was anything they could do about Fred Taylor. The Jaguars offensive line is just laying the lumber to the Steelers, and Taylor is running like a beast.

• Leon Washington returns a kick for the Jets and he breaks it out across the 50-yard line. And tack on 15-yards on some Patriots guy, for being an asshole ... the Jets are down 10 with 3:21 to go, but they're in business.

• A couple of plays later, Chad Pennington's looking in the back of the endzone for Justin McCareins ... TOUCHDOWN. It's 20-17, now ... unless ... aw, fuck. They're going to overturn that.

• So the Jets look to get at least a field goal out of that drive ... they'd be down a touchdown with about 2:00 to play. Here comes The Nuge, from 35 yards. Yanked it left. So long, Marty Jannetty.

• This does give CBS the opportunity, however, to present us with the Mangini/Belichick handshake montage. I don't think I've ever seen anything like this ... if you like to see grown men briefly making hand contact and then walking in separate directions, this is for you.

• Here's my prediction for the Mangini/Belichick handshake. They'll walk towards each other, shake hands for roughly one second, and then walk in different directions. Let's see how this one plays out ...

• BINGO! I nailed that ... except that Bill Belichick was smiling this time. But come on, I can't be expected to predict facial expressions.

• Meanwhile, Pittsburgh continues to swallow a steady diet of Fred Taylor's intense deviant masculinity. The Jaguars are just beating Pittsburgh up along the line ... it's been a great comeback from Pittsburgh, and Large Benjamin's made some plays, but ... they need a stop here, and they're powerless to get it.

• Bills receiver Roscoe Parrish fails to come up with a catch in the endzone, and then gets drilled in the shoulder with a snowball. I'm not advocating fans throwing snowballs at players, but that was awesome. I guess I actually am advocating throwing snowballs at players. Go to games and throw snowballs at players. Please.

• Fred Taylor busts through the line ... 12 yards for the TD, and that'll just about put this one to bed. The Steelers, muscled out of their own house. I am in awe, Jaguars.

• Holy fuck, Miami's alive ... I had no idea. Matt Stover just missed a 44-yarder that would've won it for the Ravens, and we've got overtime, baby.

• You know, I thought I wanted Miami to go 0-16 ... I thought it would be a cute little novelty. But today, watching them get so close, seeing them want it so bad ... I can't help but think of Crazy Fish Guy, and wonder what he's doing right now. I haven't seen him in over a year. I'm assuming he's dead, because ... I don't know, nothing else really makes sense. WIN IT FOR CRAZY FISH GUY, YOU LOSER MOTHERFUCKERS.

• GREG CAMARILLO. GREG CAMARILLO. GREG CAMARILLO.

• Cleo Lemon just hit Greg Camarillo over the middle, and hopefully, Crazy Fish Guy was somewhere to see it. I feel so warm inside ... if you could see me right now, there'd be a fuzzy thought bubble above my head, with Crazy Fish Guy's goofy face inside it, and I'd be smiling like an idiot. I feel wonderful.

• The 4:00 games are underway ... a fellow named Schobel for the Eagles just went over the middle and took a brutal shot to the head, and then stayed sprawled out on the turf motionless for a few minutes. Later, we'll get a sideline report saying he suffered "what the Eagles have determined to be a head injury." That's a great medical staff they have there. House couldn't have done it better himself.

• The Chargers actually look sharp in a first quarter ... LaDainian Tomlinson reaches endzone at the end of a Tomlinson-dominated drive, and this might be the first good first quarter Philip Rivers has had all year. This is what I was expecting, Norv Turner.

• Actually, that's not true ... this is what I'd have expected under Marty Schottenheimer. What I expected from Norv Turner was ... I don't know, Philip Rivers to drop back and soil himself on every third play.

• David Akers is going to start breaking field goal posts. They're going to have to reinforce those things when he's in town.

• Ugh ... the joy of the Dolphins win has been ruined. CBS has a postgame shot of Joey Porter leading one of those "let's all get in a circle and jump around" things. I hate to see that man happy. If you could see me now, there'd be a thought bubble above my head, and in this bubble, Crazy Fish Guy would be stabbing Joey Porter to death ... also, Cleo Lemon and Greg Camarillo are in the background showering, and I can't really explain that part of the thought bubble, but I ask that you not read too much into it.

• Eagles receiver Reggie Brown runs out of room on the sidelines, and hops into the big Salvation Army bin on the sidelines. He hopped out quickly, though ... I think he found one of the Reid kids in there with his arm tied off and a syringe on the floor.

• LaDainian gets in again ... and this is what it looks like when your playoff hopes are crushed, Denver. 17-0 Bolts.

• Meanwhile, Jon Kitna is being intercepted at an incredible pace ... between this and the Warner outburst on the sidelines, it's been a really bad day for religious zealot quarterbacks. I guess the pressure of Christ's birthday approaching can wear on anyone.

• FOX has shown Jessica Simpson roughly 217 times in the last five minutes. She's in a luxury box wearing one of those pink jerseys ... the way Romo's playing, he might as well be wearing one, too. If he finds it difficult to perform when she's around, it's going to be a detriment to both the Dallas Cowboys, and to Jessica Simpson's chances at sexual gratification.

• LaDainian Tomlinson currently has 15 carries for 116 yards ... and at the end of this drive, Phil Rivers is going to find Brandon Manumaleuna in the endzone to make it 34-7.

• Due to the lack of patronage, I've been thrown out of the downstairs area ... but it looks like I should've been upstairs the whole time, anyway. It's poppin' up here. A black guy and a white guy are in a loud, hostile argument about the merits of Donovan McNabb, and this one breaks down straight along race lines. I don't think McNabb's the second coming or anything, but ... the white guy is arguing that the Raiders would not be any better if Donovan McNabb was their quarterback. Kill whitey.

• These two assheads continue to argue at the top of their lungs ... a waitress comes buy and asks a friend of the McNabb guy if he needs anything, and he goes, "Yeah ... tell him to shut the fuck up." She goes and grabs the McNabb supporter by the shoulders and says, "Shut the fuck up!" The service in this place is unbelievable sometimes.

• McNabb's "friend" looks over at us now and says, "Get ready to see the funniest shit you've ever seen. Just wait until he gets up again."

• The Eagles score, and McNabb gets up the celebrate ... and when he tries to sit back down, his "friend" yanks the chair out from under him, and he crashes to the floor. Not the funniest thing I've ever seen ... but yeah, that was damn funny. And potentially dangerous ... that seems like it could fuck a guy up, doesn't it?

• Anyway, these two engage in a little wrestling match ... McNabb is grabbing the other guy's hat, and the guy keeps saying, "Get your dirty dick rubbers off of my hat."

• McNabb guy leaves the room ... and his friend stands up on his chair and takes a bow to the rest of the room.

• The Raiders fan who was arguing about McNabb before, by the way, has taken his hat off ... and he's got a mohawk. I'm guessing that Raiders fans with mohawks don't win a whole lot of arguments. Or anything else, for that matter ... perhaps the occasional prison boxing match.

• Thankfully, the Chargers game is a blowout, so I don't have to pay great attention to it ... there's been quite a show in here. At the same time all of this was going on, some guy just had to have the Devils/Flyers hockey game on, and he's treating it as if it's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Anytime Philadelphia scores or does something positive, he tries to get McNabb guy excited about ... because they're both Philly guys, I guess. It couldn't be more obvious that McNabb could give a fuck about hockey, but the other guy won't let it go.

• The Flyers fan, by the way, just detailed his salary and benefits package to everyone in the fucking room.

• Also upstairs: Muff Stubble Girl. We've seen so much of each other this season that she's calling me "honey," and "sweetie" now ... and I feel terrible because I call her "Muff Stubble Girl." I feel like this is something for which I'll have to answer in the afterlife.

• The Flyers score, and Flyers fan grabs McNabb and goes, "LOOK AT DANIEL BRIERE! LOOK AT DANIEL BRIERE! GLOVE SIDE! GLOVE SIDE!" He gets a half-hearted high-five and an "Alright, man," out of it.

• As soon as Flyers fan looks away, McNabb's friend smirks and says mockingly, "Did you see that, man? Glove side."

• Back to football ... it looks like the Eagles are actually going to win this thing. I suppose it doesn't matter much if the grand playoff scheme, but it sure does help out McNabb in his argument against the Raiders fan. Not that anyone needs help in an argument against a Raiders fan, I suppose.

• Brian Westbrook breaks away at the line of scrimmage, tiptoes down to the 1-yard-line and just falls down. Brilliant. There was a 99.9 percent chance that the Eagles were winning anyway, but ... that took the quick score + onside kick out of the equation. McNabb's taking knees now.

• I don't know that any other back in the league would've been smart enough to do that. Again, 99.9% of the time it doesn't matter ... but it takes any risk out of the equation. And it also probably fucked quite a few fantasy teams ... and most leagues, at this point, are either in the playoffs or in the championship game. Sorry, you poor bastards.

• I'm sitting at the bar, alone for the early games. It's just me and a guy who has never tended bar before in his life. Muff Stubble Girl walks by and I do an active search for downstairs stubble. None is found. She is a master with the razor.

• Most people I know are Steelers fans, except for Danks, who likes the Patriots ... so none of them have spoken to each other for a few days. I'm left in the middle, hearing bullshit from both sides. Danks gets it started early with a text asking if Troy Polamalu's playing today, or if he's still out with a yeast infection.

• Brian Westbrook takes a screen pass from Donovan McNabb, and the Giants line a path to the endzone for him like altar boys making a path for a Priest to ... well, another altar boy. Antonio Pierce shoved a guy out of bounds and stood there, as if that was the objective of the play. Not effective in this particular game, but he'd be a valuable contributor in the Conquer portion of Breakthrough and Conquer.

• There is absolutely no limit to how much I'd make fun of Shawne Merriman if he played for any other team. As long as he's a Charger, though, as far as I'm concerned, he's a paragon of everything that's good in this world.

• Antonio Cromartie with the interception ... he has an uncanny knack of intercepting balls and not really having to work for it. He's made some nice plays on picks, but for the most part, he just appears to have a knack for getting guys to throw footballs at him.

• TJ Duckett gets loose on a 32-yard touchdown run. If he was a better player, I'd start a blog devoted entirely to TJ Duckett limericks.

• 3rd down for the Chargers ... and someone really ought to tell Philip Rivers that the fadeaway is something that's done commonly in the NBA, not by NFL quarterbacks. I can't even count the number of times this year he's been throwing while falling backwards — not even under pressure, mind you — and just sailing a rainbow over someone's head.

• Delay of game on the Chargers, though. Second chance for Philip ... he drops back, and does the same fucking thing. Some equipment manager catches it.

• DeMarcus Ware has Jon Kitna in his sights and here comes a case of, "15 yards to kill Jon Kitna? SOLD!" Ware, well after Kitna's thrown the ball, picks Kitna up and just plants him into the turf, Magnum T.A. style.

• Again, I'm at the bar, which means I have my back to the majority of the room ... so when I hear people yelling, naturally, I turn around and look to see what's happening. Every time, though, it's fucking Bills fans getting loud because they made a play against Miami, as if Miami was a real NFL team. Maybe it's different if you're a Bills fan, I don't know ... but I can't imagine any circumstances where I'd ever actually yell in glee because my team did something against the Dolphins, who are almost certainly going 0-16.

• Here's something I didn't know about today ... the Bucs can clinch a division title with a win. That's a testament to two things ... 1) Jon Gruden is a pretty damn good coach, and 2) there are portions of the NFL playing some very, very, shitty football.

• By the way, the hype about Albert Haynesworth is no joke. He's making an impact on nearly every play, against the run and against the pass. He changes games as much as anyone I've seen in the NFL this year, offensively or defensively.

• Uh-oh ... Philip Rivers comes up limping after a play in the second quarter.

• You know, I have no idea why I said "uh-oh" there. Billy Volek can't possibly be worse than Rivers. I'd describe my mood right now as "internally celebratory." Let's make it happen, Billy Volek.

• Billy Volek is not making it happen. Unless by "it," you mean, "interceptions on screen passes." Fuck.

• Oh dear ... Muff Stubble Girl's mother is here. Any potentially hairy parts of her body are covered, so I can't draw any comparisons there, but I can tell you this ... Mrs. Muff Stubble Woman is fine. This is a genetically superior family.

• Rookie Chargers wide receiver Buster Davis is returning punts this week ... which is a welcome development since he doesn't appear to be much of a receiver. Anyway, I have a new tradition, where anytime Buster makes a play, I say, "Hey, brother." No one else at the table has a clue what I'm talking about.

• Here's what Levitra's commercials have done to me: A commercial for the EOS Rebel camera comes on, and opens with a shot of a kid throwing a football through a football through a tire, and I immediately wonder, "Why can't this kid get a boner?"

• You know, I was rooting for Floyd Mayweather last night, but I'll be damned if "There's only oooooooooooone Ricky Hatton!" didn't get stuck in my head, and it's yet to leave. I just want to sing it all day. I wish I were an alcoholic Brit.

• Philip Rivers is warming up, and it appears that he'll be back after halftime. Awesome. I was worried we wouldn't be able to keep up that 2.3-yards-per-play average.

• Here Philip comes, here comes a big limp rainbow of a pass, and it's an interception. Fuck me with a hacksaw. This feels so much like watching the Ryan Leaf/Craig Whelihan/Jim Harbaugh era ... Now, I'm thinking, "If we were getting anything from the quarterback position, we could be good." Back then, it was, "If we were getting anything from the quarterback position, we could be almost competitive."

• And that's followed by a Titans touchdown by ... I don't know, some asshole, and we trail 17-3. The Chargers defense has played quite well ... if I'm not mistaken, at least 10 of those points have come on turnovers.

• The Juice shows up, looks at the score of the Chargers game and says, "Ouch. I'm sorry, man." I say, "Nah, it's alright. We're still going to make the playoffs and get the fuck beat out of us in the first round, so it's cool." This is what I believe, and I don't think much can happen to change that.

• Plaxico Burress catches a ball deep over the middle for the Giants (he's as good a wide receiver as exists in the league that isn't named Moss or Owens), and then just starts looking for contact ... but not in the good way. He's running with the approximate speed of Donald Sutherland, his head on a swivel, looking for someone in an Eagles uniform ... I honestly believe that he's looking around to make sure he can get to the ground before an Eagle gets close enough to actually hit him.

• As the previously-mentioned Titans asshole crossed the goal line, I, for some reason, shouted, "FUCK HIS MOUTH." Says The Greek, "That'd be hard to do." I dunno. I guess it depends on your length and the style of facemask being worn. For example ... Scott Player, no problem. Something like this is going to be more challenging, though. You have to know your angles. Just something to keep in mind.

• Late in the Detroit/Dallas game, Shaun McDonald's picked up a couple of consecutive first downs. First, I'm shocked that the Lions are still leading this late in the game ... I had them chalked up as losers. Secondly, how bad of a sign is it for Calvin Johnson that Roy Williams is out, and he's still not having a big impact?

• Down by 7, Philip Rivers is going to have a 1st and 10 at his own 20 with 2:24 to play. I BELIEVE, PHILIP.

• Ill Phil goes twice to Chris Chambers for big chunks of yardage, and we're suddenly inside the Titans 30. I don't know where it's come from, but Rivers is suddenly again a capable quarterback. Color me baffled ... and there is no longer a need to fuck me with a hacksaw.

• To briefly interrupt the Grand Philip Rivers Display of Masculinity, here comes David Akers to attempt a 57-yarder to send the Giants/Eagles game into overtime ... doink. Post. Solid. No Phil Dawson bounce. The Giants are almost certainly making the playoffs now.

• Phil drops back from the 2-yard line, and holy thunder, he's made it happen. Philip Rivers has made it happen. This might be the most stark in-game turnaround I've ever seen. THERE'S ONLY OOOOOOOOOOONE PHILIP RIVERS. Overtime is coming.

• The clock reads 4:18 Eastern Time ... and the Steelers/Patriots game is not yet on any of the nine televisions in the room. It's three minutes, and I hate to be the guy who always complains, but ... I mean, this is a sports bar, right? If I go to a bowling alley, I expect 10 pins in the line. Nine is close, yes, but ... if that's your business, it's not good enough. TV guy, whenever the hell he gets back down here, is in serious danger of being pelted in the head by The Greek with salt and pepper shakers.

• 3rd and 4, big play for Philip and the Chargers ... at this point, given the magical new Philip Rivers, it feels like a gimme. Antonio Gates, first down. THERE'S ONLY OOOOOOOOOOONE PHILIP RIVERS.

• LaDainian Tomlinson takes a handoff in overtime, and he's just going to house that motherfucker. Incredible.

• Meanwhile, the Steelers have put together an 81⁄2 minute drive in the first quarter against the Patriots ... they don't get 7, but they do get 3, and they did keep the ball for a long, long, time. So far, so good.

• At least until the Patriots answer with a touchdown on the very next drive. Randy Moss with the 6 ... and afterwards, Tom Brady runs down to the endzone to get in the face of Anthony "Guarantee" Smith. Tom has some angry words he apparently had to get out of his system.

• This is what bothers me about the Patriots ... Smith made his guarantee, blah blah blah, whatever, and the Patriots, all week long, act like they're above any such foolishness, say they won't respond, etc. But now, on the field, they'll trash talk and be as big a group of assholes as anyone else in the league. Just embrace it ... I don't care that Tom Brady's in Anthony Smith's face ... hell, I kind of like it. It just irks me that he plays it so cool all week long in front of the cameras, and now, he's Captain Bad Ass.

• Tarvaris Jackson with a TD pass to put the Vikings up big early over San Francisco ... Tarvaris' amazing streak of adequacy continues.

• I get a text from my buddy Tim pointing out that both the Steelers and the Patriots have a "Gay" in the secondary. William Gay for the Steelers, and Randall Gay for the Patriots ... can we consider this a victory for gay rights? Are they currently doing for homosexuals what Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy did for black people during the Super Bowl?

• Randy Moss ... deep. TD. Anthony Smith, again victimized. 14-3 Patriots.

• Muff Stubble Girl just touched my back. Yeah, it's no big deal or anything, and I'm not bragging, but she touched me. It's cool.

• Whoa ... look at Najeh Davenport getting loose in the secondary. I was not counting on Najeh Davenport catching any TD bombs today. Large Benjamin dumped it right on his chest. 14-10 ... the Steelers have answered.

• So we're discussing injuries that we'd like to see Tom Brady suffer. The Greek wants him to lose hearing in one ear ... Lady E wants him to have his nose rearranged, Bryan Barker style ... then later upgrades her wish to a severed penis. If any of it happens (the severed penis seems particularly unlikely), I've officially made the offer to buy shots for the table if Brady suffers an injury that puts him out of the game.

• A lot of commercials this week feature "Happy Holidays" messages from various companies ... I guess it's nice and all, but I feel insulted when these commercials are recycled versions that they've run in years past. I don't know ... if you really meant it, if you really wanted me to have a nice holiday, you'd put forth the effort and make a new commercial.

• The Juice: "I love sluts." He's also picked right now to tell me about his theory that taller women have greater vaginal depth. Are there any OB/GYNs that can verify?

• The Steelers have gone for 2 4th-and-1s on this drive ... once, they had Najeh dive over the pile, and the second time, they came out in the shotgun. Odd. But I bet Gregg Easterbrook is pleased.

• I think I might have just seen Trent Dilfer's last down in the NFL ... he took a shot to the head and laid there motionless for a while. He's up and appears to be OK, but ... at his age, you just can't do a lot of that.

• Jesus, I think he's crying as he's being carted out. I'm not positive about this ... either he knows that he's done, or he suffered some kind of a tear duct injury.

• The Patriots lead the Steelers 17-13 at the half ... and a very entertaining first half it was.

• Glancing around at some other games... Minnesota's up on San Francisco 27-0, despite the fact that Adrian Peterson's carried 7 times for -2 yards.

• This is odd ... Kellen Clemens and Derek Anderson are squaring off today, making it the third level of competition at which they've competed. They played against each other in high school, college, and now the NFL. Hm.

• The Patriots force a punt coming out of halftime ... and now, it's gadget play time. Backwards pass to Moss, backwards pass back to Brady, and Jabar Gaffney is wide open for the touchdown. It almost pains me to say it, but ... Anthony Smith, victimized again. I hate watching this ... it's almost certainly the lowest point of his professional life, if not his entire life ... I just shouldn't be seeing this. A man's personal misery should not be this public, I don't care what he did. I know I wouldn't want Anthony Smith witnessing the time I spent earning a living through glory holes at various New Jersey rest stops. It just wouldn't be fair.

• And a little bit later, Wes Welker's going to catch a touchdown pass, and the refs are going to let Anthony Smith get away with a personal foul, late hit ... that was a mercy non-call. Thank you, officials, for not letting this get worse than it had to be.

• At the beginning of the 4th quarter, the Steelers are stopped on a 3rd-and-goal, and a 4th-and-goal at the 1-yard-line, that's going to pretty much wrap it up. I've developed a headache, so I'm going to call it a day here ... it's been an extremely disappointing second half anyway. The first half was great ... the second was a slow and thorough bloodletting.

• There's a sign at the little Sean Taylor fan memorial that has a picture of Taylor with the words, "GIVE TOM LANDRY HELL" next to it. Assuming that the signmaker believes Sean Taylor's in heaven (and I've got to think that differing viewpoints would be rare in DC right now) ... can you do that? If you're in heaven, can you give someone hell? I've got to think that's frowned upon up there.

• Before the game kicks off, the crowd in DC observes a moment of silence ... the bar spontaneously follows suit. It's dead quiet in here. This feels so surreal.

• And we almost made it through the entire moment of silence, until some stupid bitch, just as it was about to end, asks, "Why is it so quiet in here?"

• Hey, there's Brady Quinn in a Subway commercial ... apparently, the Subway people are in some way giving free subs, but Brady can't deliver them because he's busy on Sundays. And he's right ... the last time Derek Anderson didn't get his pregame handjob was Week 3 against Oakland, when he was under 50 percent and the Browns lost. So Brady Quinn has a job to do now. And besides, do you really want the guy jacking off Derek Anderson to also deliver your subs? Seems like that would violate some health codes.

• Debate question on the CBS pregame show: "Should Philip Rivers have yelled 'Shut Up!' to the Chargers fans?" As a Chargers fan, let me say that I don't care if he sends me a singing gorilla telegram every Thursday that instructs me to go fuck my mother ... if it makes him feel better about himself, I don't care what he tells me.

• An early false start is called against "numerous players" on the Redskins. I guess something like that was to be expected. The NFL should have a clause for situations like this that gives a team their first four penalties for free.

• I'd like to thank the Chiefs cheerleaders for braving the cold today. They're all wearing big puffy coats, but they're still rocking the tiny little booty shorts. I appreciate that, ladies. I know it's cold, but if I could just ogle half of you ... it makes all the difference.

• David Garrard fumbles deep in his own territory for the Jags, and a big Colts defensive lineman named Raheem Brock (middle name Fukwan) came up with the ball. He clearly had it in his possession, and then a couple of other people piled on, and a few seconds later, Maurice Jones-Drew emerged with the football. This is going to be challenged and overturned, but Jones-Drew is all man. He went into that pile and took the ball away from 6'4", 274-lb. Fukwad Brock.

• On their first defensive play from scrimmage, the Redskins are going to take the field with 10 players. That's kind of sweet. I think the Bills know this is coming, and if they're at all interested in being sportsmanlike, they'll just plow the football into the middle of the line and fall down.

• Nope. That may have been how it was drawn up, but Fred Jackson bounced it to the outside and picked up 22 yards. In hindsight, maybe the scoreboard tribute and moment of silence were enough.

• I honestly wonder how much time the Redskins defensive staff put into designing a defense with 10 men. It's just one play, but NFL coaches are so meticulous. If this happened to the Saints, Jim Haslett wouldn't have slept all week long, trying to design an effective 10-man defense for one play.

• The Greek ordered a beer about 10 minutes ago, and it's yet to arrive. He reminds the waitress of the order, and she apologizes, explaining some miscommunication with the bartender. I suggest (jokingly, of course) that she go back there and punch the bartender in the face, and she says, "I know! She's a total bitch." Goodness. Apparently, there's some bad blood there. I didn't know.

• Peyton Manning wants Reggie Wayne deep over the middle ... and he's got him. Superb hands there by Reggie Wayne, and it's 14-0, Colts. The Jags were pretty pumped about this game and the opportunity to claim supremacy in the AFC South. This is shaping up to be a "Not Yet, Motherfuckers" kind of game from the Colts.

• Oh, good ... defensive tackle Jason Allen is making a corner-of-the-endzone touchdown catch against the Chargers. That's what we need. Defensive linemen morphing into Randy fucking Moss when they play the Chargers. Excellent. 10-3, Chiefs.

• But Philip has an answer. The Chargers come back with a 38-yard Rivers-to-Vincent-Jackson touchdown pass to even the score. That's what I'm talking about. Tell me to "shut up" all day long ... moon me, for all I care. Stick a little tiny flag in your ass that reads, "MJD IS A PENISFACE," and moon me. Please.

• The Rams have opened up a 21-0 lead on the Falcons ... Gus Frerotte is balling out of control. Of course, if it wasn't for Gus Frerotte this win today would have the Rams on a 4-game win streak, with the potential to run the table and get in the wildcard race.

• The Jets lead the Dolphins 17-13 after Brad Smith takes a short Kellen Clemens pass 18 yards to the house. Hello, over. I wouldn't have guessed that these teams could have scored 30 combined points in 5 games in which they were both using the 10-man Sean Taylor memorial defense.

• By the way, about Sean Taylor ... do you think there's any part of Kevin Everett that's maybe just a little pissed off about all this? Before this happened, Everett was the tragic story. He was the guy everybody wanted to rally behind. And it was heartwarming because he was on the road to recovery, and could soon walk again. It was just last week that he was inspiring everyone with touching scoreboard messages ... this week, no one gives him a second thought. I hope he's doing OK with this.

• I'm sure he is. I'm sure there's no part of him that's pissed off at all. I'm sure.

• Joseph Addai has a big hole in the back of his pants, right below the left ass cheek. There's a pretty decent-sized portion of chocolate on display right now. The hole is in a place where, you know ... if Jersey girls wore football pants, they'd intentionally cut holes there.

• Steve Smith has caught 6 balls for 55 yards at the half. I haven't seen any of this game, and I don't know who started at quarterback for the Panthers ... but since Steve Smith is actually touching the football, I'm going to go ahead and guess that it wasn't David Carr.

• Arrowhead Stadium is depressingly empty, by the way. I've never seen it like that ... half the seats in the upper deck appear to be vacant. I'd have thought Kansas City was like Pittsburgh or Green Bay in that there's a 98-year waiting list for season tickets, and there'll probably never be an empty seat in the house. Guess not. You suck, Chiefs fans.

• Coming back from the half, LaDainian Tomlinson breaks one to the right side and goes in from 31 yards out. The Chargers defense and running game are both having their best days of the season so far. Philip Rivers, however ... he's still not good.

• The Jags, meanwhile, are not going away. It kind of looked earlier like the Colts would be romping that ass, but that's not the case. David Garrard just connected with my man Marcedes Lewis for a touchdown pass to pull them back within a touchdown.

• Muff stubble girl is not the waitress this week, but she is in the building. Her pants are back down to a dangerously low level, I'm glad to report. She also has a bruise on her hip ... I'd like to get the story behind that. Someone's grip was probably just a little too tight.

• Peyton Manning is looking to put the Colts back up by 14 ... but that one's going to be intercepted by Reggie Nelson, and Peyton's going to have to make the tackle. Replay shows Peyton standing there, waiting for Nelson to get close to him, licking each of his hands as he prepares to make the tackle. His form was on par with Jason Street's, but give him credit ... he did make the stop. Now, the licking of the hands, I don't quite get ... maybe Reggie Nelson has a reputation of being particularly slippery. I don't know. I've never touched him.

• Fred Smoot comes up with a nice play for the Redskins, but loses his his helmet on the tackle. Linebacker Marcus Washington picks it up for him, and polishes it with his jersey before giving it back. Lord knows what he just wiped off of there. I'd like to put a blacklight on that thing.

• The Bills have a linebacker by the name of Josh Stamer. I demand an immediate trade to the Browns so I can order my Cleveland Stamer jersey.

• 293-lb. Larry Tripplett makes a diving interception on a trip-drill interception against the Redskins. That was beautiful form for a big man.

• Jags wide receiver Reggie Williams picks up a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary roughness. It was a bullshit call, he barely did anything to warrant the penalty. But now he's on the sidelines getting reamed out by defensive lineman Spicer, who absolutely should scare the hell out of Williams.

• 3rd and inches for the Chargers ... and LaDainian Tomlinson is going to the paint again. The Chiefs had virtually everyone at the line, so once Tomlinson got through the first level, resistance was minimal. 24-10, Chargers.

• Bob Sanders intercepts a David Garrard (Garrard's first INT of the year, and it's a shame, because it bounced off a Jag's chest first), and that should just about kill the Jags. The Colts will be up by 11, with the ball, and about 6:00 to play. Garrard had 231 attempts without an interception.

• Damon Huard just had a pretty rough series, too. On consecutive plays, it was sack, sack, interception, and the Chargers lead by 14 with about 5:00 to play.

• I just noticed, but Atlanta's come back against the Rams ... that 21-0 lead has turned into a 21-16 lead.

• Nevermind about the Jags being dead. They forced a very quick 3-and-out, and now are back inside the redzone. Garrard goes to Dennis Northcutt over the middle to get the TD, and then runs in the 2-point conversion attempt himself. It's suddenly a 3-point game with 3:00 left. They'll need a stop now.

• In the game at quarterback for the Chiefs: Tyler Thigpen. I had never heard of this guy, so I did a little research. Some background on Tyler: He was born in Norway in 1984 to an alcoholic mother and an unknown father. Because he was born a drunk, he wouldn't stop crying until his mother put vodka in his bottle, a practice she soon tired of because she really liked vodka herself. Unwilling to care for the baby or share her vodka, she drugged the child to sleep, went to the airport, stuffed the baby in a stranger's carry-on bag and forget about him forever. That stranger was headed to America, and upon arriving in New York, discovered the half-dead baby in his bag. He called hotel security, at which point a bellman came and retrieved the baby and then proceeded to trade it to a scalper for one ticket to a Steelers/Jets game later that afternoon. The scalper, who was unable to conceive a child with his wife, nursed the baby back to health with coffee and a bottle of breast milk he stole from a couple who had brought their baby to the game. By the 4th quarter, the baby was healthy, but, jonesing for alcohol, resumed crying. The scalper couldn't handle it, and duct-taped the baby to the hood of a car in the players parking lot. That car belonged to Steelers receiver Yancy Thigpen, who found the child after the game, assumed it was left there by a groupie he had gotten pregnant. Yancy decided to raise the child as his own, never questioning their different skin color. He named the boy Tyler, cured his alcoholism, taught him the game of football, the rest is history.

• Or maybe this is true. 'm not sure.

• The son of Yancy was just intercepted in the endzone by Antonio Cromartie. Yancy will later beat him for this.

• The Bills have a chance to win this game against the Redskins. Trent Edwards makes an amazing throw through major traffic to get the Bills in position ... and nothing personal, Trent, but I'm going to have to chalk that one up to luck.

• Chris Redman, in relief of Joey Harrington for the Falcons, has gone 13-of-19 for 2 TDs and 0 INTs. I doubt that Chris Redman is the QB of the future in Atlanta, but ... those numbers, when compared to those of Byron Leftwich or Joey Harrington, are pretty good. Sooner or later, I'd love to hear the wisdom behind Bobby Petrino's "never play good players instead of bad players" strategy. Chris Redman, Jerious Norwood ... I'd love to hear his theories.

• Oh dear God ... Joe Gibbs, what have you done? He called one timeout to ice Rian Lindell on a 51-yard attempt. Mission accomplished. He then attempted to call another timeout, and there appears to be some confusion.

• The commentator keeps saying, "You can't call a second timeout, and Joe Gibbs knows that." But I've got a hunch that Joe Gibbs didn't know that ... you know, since he just did it. 15-yard penalty. It's now a 36-yarder. Unbelievable.

• With about 6 minutes to play, The Greek said to me, "In a close game, with Joe Gibbs and his clock management ... I don't know." I didn't really think much of it at the time, but dear God. Does that even count as clock management? This is worse, right? Not knowing an actual rule is worse than not being able to adeptly manage the clock in a football game, right?

• Lindell's 36-yarder is, of course, good. A last second Hail Mary attempt from Jason Campbell from his own 43-yard-line landed at about the 20. Ballgame. Absolutely brutal.

• If Joe Gibbs was looking for a way to finally turn Redskins fans against him ... well, given what the team was playing for today, you can't do much better than that. If he tried to hatch an elaborate plan to make people hate him ... what more could he do?

• If Gibbs was any other non-revered coach ... he'd be public enemy #2 in DC right now. The list would look like this:

1. Whoever pulled the trigger in Sean Taylor's house that night;
2. Coach who called the second timeout.

• I apologize, but again, I can't stay for the late games this week. I trust that you were able to enjoy them in your own special way.

• Because I'm running a little bit late, I missed "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause." Now, I'm probably going to go all day without wanting to kick a 10-year-old in the balls.

• Glancing over the schedule, it jumps out at me that no good teams are playing this afternoon. At least, none of the best teams in the league ... the Patriots take place in the ritual Sunday Night Assrape tonight against the Eagles, the Colts, Cowboys and Packers played on Thursday and the Steelers play on Monday night. I guess I can settle for the Browns, Giants and Jags.

• Have the Browns spontaneously added numbers to their helmets, or are these throwback uniforms in which the only difference is that they have numbers on their helmets? Is that really the best they can do? Surely, somewhere along the line, the Browns wore something that looked significantly shittier than what they're wearing right now.

• This week's MVP: Whoever paints the endzones in Arrowhead Stadium. Last night, they were spiffed up for Kansas and Missouri, and today, you'd never know there was ever a change. Great googly moogly.

• Tarvaris Jackson's going deep, which is almost never a sign that good things are about to happen ... but this time, he's got Sidney Rice, and Sidney Rice has a touchdown. Color me surprised.

• Uh oh ... Jeff Garcia's hurt. Fortunately, the Bucs have another quarterback who a lot of people believe to be gay in Chris Simms.

• It appears that Bruce Gradkowski's taking over, though. I guess he could be gay, too, but ... I don't know. I don't meet a lot of gay guys named Gradkowski.

• Ick ... Marc Bulger just Jake Plummer'ed an interception to the Seahawks. In the midst of being tackled, he attempted to force a shovel pass to a guy who was currently getting an ass-full of Rocky Bernard.

• Vince Young is going deep now ... and that's complete, too, to Justin Gage. If Vince Young ends up turning into a legitimate dropback passer, I'm going to consider it a real victory for racial equality. He's black, he runs fast, he's athletic, there were rumors that he scored like a 6 on the Wonderlic ... he's not supposed to be able to do this.

• The Redskins are fumbling the ball on every other play and have just about handed the Bucs a 13-0 lead. Text from my buddy Tim: "Sonny and Sam might be breaking into the emergency liquor today. Military whiskey, bottom shelf."

• While we're here, I'd also like to mention a text I got from Tim during the intos for last week's Sunday Night game. It read, "Did I ever tell you about the time I buttfucked Faith Hill?" Now there's an underrated and underused word ... buttfucked.

• Eli Manning is desperately trying to keep pace with the Redskins, though, and is also turning the ball over at a superhuman rate. Darren Sharper already took one Eli pick to the paint, and now Chester Taylor's scoring from 8 yards out on the play right after Eli's 2nd pick.

• In the absence of Marshawn Lynch, a fellow named Fred Jackson is getting carries for Buffalo. In years past of the Smorgasbord, I watched games here with a friend named Sam, and anytime someone named Jackson made a play, he'd respond with the same Friday quote. For example, "Vincent Jackson? Bitch get out the car lookin' more like Freddy Jackson." I'm glad Sam's not here today ... attempting to do that with a guy actually named Freddy Jackson would confuse him and probably cause an aneurysm.

• I'm not sure when exactly he got hurt, but Marc Bulger has apparently left the game with injured ribs, an injured back and a concussion. The Rams' trainer needs a raise.

• Chad Johnson scores for the Bengals and then commandeers a CBS camera. I guess that's his whole act, he's going to pretend to be a cameraman for a few seconds. He'll get penalized for "excessive celebration," but I think in this case, that's a poorly named penalty ... this isn't celebration, this is choreographed attention-whoring. It doesn't feel like there's anything celebratory about it.

• Eli Manning is 2 for his last 11 attempts, for 34 yards, and 2 touchdowns. Tarvaris Jackson, meanwhile, is 7 of 9.

• The Greek speculates that Jeff Fisher's goatee was grown "for muff-diving purposes." I think this tells you a lot of Jeff Fisher's unselfishness.

• FOX shows a close-up for Bucs defensive lineman Chris Hovan, and Hovan takes the opportunity to spit all over himself. I don't think this is the first time this game he's done that, either ... his face looks like he's been bobbing for apples in cream cheese.

• Cincinnati continues to put up big points on Tennessee ... I'm fairly shocked by this result. If the Titans are attempting to make the case for Albert Haynesworth for league MVP by playing well when he's there, and sucking balls when he's not, they're succeeding. Chad Johnson just tapped his toes down in the back of the endzone for his 3rd TD catch, making it 35-6 Bengals.

• Eli Manning gifts another interception to the Vikings, and Dwight Smith is taking that one to the house with Jason Krause, too ... 93 yards on the return, and that should just about put this one to bed.

• Wait, Eli's not done burying himself yet ... the very next time he has his hands on the ball, he throws another pick that will be taken to the house, this one by Chad Greenway. Just a ridiculously bad throw ... it's 41-10, Vikings.

• Justin Fargas scores, and the Raiders take a late lead in Kansas City ... it has to have been a long damn time since the Raiders won in Arrowhead. I do believe that Missouri's the best team to play on that field in the last 48 hours.

• The Vikings have gotten 129 yards and 1 TD off of completions by Tarvaris Jackson to various Vikings. They've also gotten 169 yards and 4 TDs off of completions Eli Manning has thrown to various Vikings.

• And now, Tom Coughlin dusts off the old playbook to find the "Run backwards for 26 yards, and then fall down" play for Eli. He executes it perfectly. But on every play the Giants run where the Vikings don't score a touchdown ... I think you have to consider that a small moral victory for the Giants.

• The Redskins are down by just 6, which is amazing, considering that they've turned the ball over 319 times. Jason Campbell's looking for the game-winner ... but yeah, that's going to be picked off, too. The Bucs are taking knees.

• The Greek on David Carr: "10-for-22, 95 yards, and 2 interceptions? Just get out of the fucking league, already."

• The Rams are in at the 4-yard-line, trailing by 5, with about a minute to play against Seattle. Gus Frerotte has a wide open Isaac Bruce ... and Frerotte underthrows the 4 yard pass by about 2 yards. The pass was so bad that Isaac Bruce ended up injuring himself trying to catch it.

• A one-yard gain and two timeouts later, the Rams have a 4th and 1 at the goal line, with :30 on the clock, two-game winning streak on the line ... and Gus Frerotte cannot handle the snap. It's not often that a game comes down to one play, and that play isn't a field goal, but a play from scrimmage where the offense has a better-than-average chance of scoring. It would have been a very exciting conclusion, had it involved a team that could successfully execute a center-to-quarterback exchange.

• It pisses me off how FOX sits on the BCS standings ... it's real, meaningful news in the sporting world, and they promise that it's coming up during the postgame show. But not, of course, until you sit through Terry Bradshaw doing highlights of every single NFL game, and two or three commercial breaks.

• Bradshaw, meanwhile, calls Braylon Edwards "Bray-lawn," emphasizing both syllables.

• FOX brings in Barry Alvarez to break down the BCS Standings ... and my goodness, Barry Alvarez is bad at this. He's like Steve Mariucci, except he looks closer to death.

• After exchanging a couple of punts with the Ravens, the Chargers put together a long drive the ends with a field goal. I guess I haven't seen a lot of the Ravens this year, because I had forgotten how badly I want to see Ray Lewis get mauled by a grizzly bear.

• So, I'm pretty excited about the new Cypher Stent. It's been advertised a handful of times during NFL games this week. I almost can't wait for that arteries around my heart to narrow, so I can get one. It seems so much more awesome than any of those other stents you hear so much about. The stent wars are certainly heating up, though.

• Jay Cutler runs a nifty little option play with Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #23, and gets into the endzone. The Broncos take a 10-3 lead over the Bears.

• Antonio Gates is uncovered down the middle of the field, which strikes me as odd, since he's the only receiving weapon currently playing for the San Diego Chargers, and Philip Rivers often has tunnel vision on him. The Ravens appear to have missed a few things on game film.

• Shawne Merriman is balling today. If it takes Maurice Jones-Drew leveling him to embarrassing him into playing this well every week, then I say Merriman should try to break into Jones-Drew's house every Saturday.

• CBS has clips of Ray Lewis handing out turkeys at a Thanksgiving event for the Ray Lewis Foundation ... they're frozen turkeys, thankfully. I think it's best that we avoid Ray Lewis carving up anything in front of the general public.

• You don't see a whole lot of successful Hail Marys ... Mary's kind of lazy like that. But just before the half, Kurt Warner heaves one up in the endzone from 48 yards out, and Larry Fitzgerald comes up with it for the TD with zeroes on the clock.

• Chris Chambers turned Ravens corner Samari Rolle inside out, and Rivers lofted it to him for another eazy touchdown pass. Shocking statistic: in his career in the red zone, Phil Rivers has 20 touchdown passes, and 0 interceptions.

• Cardinals quarterback Tim Rattay has a mullet. I didn't know that. It really reminds me of Randy Cross's mullet, except it's not gray ... it's a mullet that you spend $80 on having styled.

• Todd Sauerbrun punts the ball to Devin Hester, and you can probably guess where it goes from here ... Hester to the paint. Hester is the one way that the Bears can consistently score, and other teams have the option of whether or not to let him touch the ball. Why anyone does, I couldn't tell you.

• Antonio Gates hauls in another touchdown pass from Philip Rivers, and was again wide open. Let's check the replay to see how he got so open ... ah, the Ravens tried to cover him one-on-one with Ray Lewis. They might have been able to get away with that five years ago ... back when Ray had his knife.

• I didn't know this, but apparently there's a giant statue in San Diego of a sailor kissing a woman ... I'd love to know what kind of detail the sculptor went into carving underneath the woman's dress. I also think this is rather discriminatory to the gay sailors in our Navy. They deserve a giant statue next to this one of two guys jerking each other off. I demand that my tax dollars make this happen.

• Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #37 gets into the endzone, giving the Broncos a 20-13 lead.

• And Devin Hester answers by taking the ensuing kickoff to the house. There appears to be one way and one way only that the Bears can win this game, and that's for Devin Hester to keep getting touches. Again, I repeat, the Broncos have the option of preventing this from happening.

• Tidbit from the announcers in the Cardinals/49ers game: Deuce Lutui ate horse at Thanksgiving. Apparently, you bury the horse under ground and cook it that way ... I'm just wondering how long it takes to dig the hole for the fucking thing. Anyway, it's good to know that even though we couldn't harvest any of Barbaro's prize jizm, he doesn't have to go to complete waste.

• The San Francisco/Arizona game, by the way, sounds quite entertaining. I'm not sure, as I'm not paying a lot of attention to it ... but it certainly sounds good.

• Wow ... Denver comes right back to answer Devin Hester's answer by doing deep to Brandon Marshall for the touchdown. Marshall just toasted Ricky Manning Jr. The 7-point Broncos lead is restored. I might be off with this, but it seems to me like Denver would be beating the fuck out of Chicago were it not for Devin Hester.

• Shawne Merriman is able to snuff out a screen play by the Ravens, and drag the running back down for a loss. He gets up and starts to do the "Lights Out" dance, which has made its idiotic return this week ... but he stops himself and just waves it off, like "Eh, it's just the Ravens. I'll save my lame dance for later."

• The Broncos have gone up by 14, and the Chargers lead 32-14, and I can't bring myself to be interested in Cardinals/49ers ... I'm going to trust that Denver will hang on, and that I won't miss anything too special in the 49ers/Cards game, and call it a week.

Post script: Woops, and woops.

• The waitress this week is cute enough, but wearing a Brady Quinn jersey. I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe she's from Cleveland, maybe she thinks he's really cute, I don't know. I just hope I'm here when she starts grabbing dicks.

• I'm pretty sure this is an accident ... but I can see four games, but I'm getting audio from the Baltimore/Cleveland game, which is not one of the four games I can see. Every time Ian Eagle raises his voice, I look around to see what's happening, and all I see are people standing around. This is going to drive me fucking insane.

• It's a slow week at the sports bar ... only a handful of tables in this particular room are occupied. In the back of the room, there are four or five young black men, and they're being a little loud and rambunctious. Most everyone else in the room is middle-aged and white. I'm sensing a little bit of discomfort.

• Julius Peppers blocks a Packers field goal attempt ... it's nice to hear from him. I wasn't sure he was still in the league.

• At the end of the ensuing possession, the Panthers line up in a field goal formation, but snap it directly to John Kasay, who then pooch punts it. Very clever, Panthers ... I mean, I know that Green Bay picked it up and returned it to the house for a touchdown, but just think how cool it would have looked if they hadn't.

• If I'm overhearing correctly, the black guys in the back of the room love ESPN's "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause" on ESPN's NFL Countdown. These are the only people I've ever heard say that ... now they're making me uncomfortable. I understand so little about how TV networks can capture certain demographics.

• Speaking of Countdown, I'm pretty sure I saw a segment this morning where Greg Garber compared Tony Romo and his improvisational abilities to "legendary freestyle rapper" Snoop Dogg. When did Snoop become known for his legendary freestyle skills? That feels a little bit like calling Michael Vick "a legendary drop back passer." I think ESPN has a lot to learn when it comes to the difference between a "legendary freestyle rapper" and "the only rapper Greg Garber's ever heard of."

• The Chargers, meanwhile, are down 10-0 to the Jaguars. This game is going exactly as I expected it to.

• The Eagles punt, and it's taken by Ted Ginn ... and Ted Ginn's going to take this one to the house. And for the second week in a row, the on-fire Miami Dolphins have an actual lead. This day can already be considered a success.

• This sound-on-a-game-I'm-not-watching thing is messing with me. I had never realized how dependent I was on an announcer's cues to know when something was happening. We're into the second quarter, and every time Ian Eagle gets loud, I look around and expect to see something happening. I can't stop myself. I am Pavlov's dog, and Ian Eagle is my dinner bell.

• Andre Johnson is finally back in the Texans line-up, and he is announcing his presence with authority. Matt Schaub hit him deep over the middle, after about 11 Saints all fell for a play action fake. 7-3, Texans.

• The referee in the Chargers/Jaguars game is surrounded by Jaguars cheerleaders ... this is bullshit. They're all dancing around him like he's a big metal pole at the Spearmint Rhino. They are bribing the official with pussy, and they are doing so openly and brazenly.

• On second thought, that's probably a fake ref. The pussy is real, though.

• Donovan McNabb is leaving the Eagles/Dolphins game ... of course, I think the Dolphins will miss him more than the Eagles will, being that he was 3-of-11 with 2 interceptions. Kevin Kolb isn't coming into the game, though ... it's AJ Feeley. That's a little bit of a surprise. I don't know if Kolb is actually behind Feeley on the depth chart, or if Kolb suffered a wrist injury this week burying a knife into a boar.

• Sign in Lambeau: "IS THIS HEAVEN? NO." Thanks. That's enlightening.

• Vinny and the Panthers are already down 21-3, incidentally ... but Vinny has the Panthers driving and down in the Packers red zone. Packers DT Corey Williams gets to Vinny, and punches him in the face ... every other time a quarterback's facemask even gets grazed, it's a penalty, but for some reason, clubbing a senior citizen in the head is perfectly fine. It might not be a penalty, but I think Corey Williams can expect a strongly-worded letter from the AARP.

• I just said the following about Philip Rivers, out loud, and I was completely serious: "At least it was a spiral."

• Neil Rackers makes a tackle on special teams for the Cardinals, and then heads to the sidelines, takes off his jersey and his pads, and gets a fresh new jersey/pads combination from underneath a tarp behind the bench. I've never seen anyone do that before. Is Neil Rackers not allowed to be dirty?

• Chad Johnson is a prick. He catches a pass, and starts running with it it one hand, not tucked away in the least. A 4-year-old wouldn't run like that with a Nerf ball if there was no one within 20 yards of him. Naturally, the prick fumbles it ... Arizona ball.

• In one of the personal lowlights of the season for me, Maurice Jones-Drew, staying in to help pick up the blitz, absolutely levels Shawne Merriman. Merriman went running into him, started to jump, and Jones-Drew floored him. David Garrard threw the 1-yard TD pass to Marcedes Lewis, and it's 24-10. That should earn me a solid week or two of Merriman steroid jokes.

• Sign in Lambeau: picture of a dog wearing a Packers jersey with the words "PACKER PUPPY" written above it. I'm sure that's hugely inspirational to the team ... an offensive lineman probably saw that sign and thought, "I wasn't going to block very hard on this next series, but if this batshit-crazy bitch can go to the trouble of forcing a Brett Favre jersey on her poor fucking dog, then maybe I can stay low, keep a wide base, and not get beaten by a swim technique."

• The Fish have, once again, squandered their lead ... an AJ Feeley TD pass puts the Eagles ahead, 17-7.

• Antrell Rolle intercepts Carson Palmer and takes it to the house ... he caps it off by doing a carthweel into a backflip, but can't stick the landing. I can't hear that game, but I think he got flagged 15 yards for that. I'm not sure what rule it broke ... there were no props, it didn't seem pre-meditated (after all, why would Antrell Rolle ever plan on being in the endzone?), and it didn't last a particularly long time. No idea.

• The black guys in the back of the room are talking about some Giants fan who was here last week, and one of them emphatically declares, "If he comes in here, he's gettin' fucked up." Everyone else has left the room, except for myself, the Greek, and those gentlemen. I really hope that Giants fan shows up.

• Phil Rivers drops back and hits Antonio Gates over the middle (I believe Philip has a rare eye condition that prevents him from seeing anyone not wearing the number 85) for a Chargers TD, and it's 24-17. We're actually not getting our asses whooped nearly as bad as I thought we would.

• The defense does their job, and we have the ball back, down 7, with 2:13 to play ... come on, Philip, BE A MAN. Don't listen to all those terrible things Big Daddy Drew said about you.

• And Philip is intercepted on a 6-yard pass over the middle. Big Daddy Drew was right. Fuck yourself, Philip.

• Bonus coverage: Daunte Culpepper and the Raiders trail by 7, they have the ball with 1:00 to play. And they fail quite quickly ... that wasn't really suspenseful at all. I'm not sure I should have used the term "bonus" there.

• Fans for the late games are starting to trickle in, as the group of young black people have unfortunately left. Among the incoming crowd is a woman with a huge ass, tight jeans, a Redskins windbreaker, and a giant Redskins cowboy hat (there's some irony). She's accompanied by a guy with a mustache and a mullet, and another guy wearing a camouflage shirt. This could be a long afternoon.

• Phil Dawson's got another shot at a late field goal to send the Browns to overtime, from a similar distance as the one he left short last week. The kick is up ... doink off the post, doink off the crossbar, no good.

• But hold on one second, ladies and gentlemen ... replay shows that it didn't hit the crossbar, it hit the part that extends back from the crossbar. That field goal was good. After a few minutes of mass confusion, the officials get it right, and have to get the Ravens back on the field ... Brian Billick looks like he's going to blow a cow.

• Terrell Owens makes a catch along the sidelines for the Cowboys, and one of the hick Redskins fans yells, "COME ON, DEFENSE, GET THAT PECKERWOOD." There's a word I haven't heard in a while ... peckerwood. I need to hang out more often with guys who wear camouflage to sports bars.

• The Jets, meanwhile, are taking it to the Steelers. We missed the first touchdown because the TV guy is terrible at his job, and now Thomas Jones is just plowing through the Steelers defense. This is weird.

• Phil Dawson has a chance to win it in overtime for the Browns ... and today, we spell redemption P-H-I-L.

• You know that Viagra commercial, with the six guys sitting in a Roadhouse, singing a song about unnatural boners? I don't think I had noticed the dog in that commercial before. I hope he was able to get out of there before the big gay orgy started.

• We had decided to root for the Cowboys, because these fucking Redskins fans were unbearably loud and dumb ... but unfortunately, we've also been joined by one of those "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?" people. So the fun's been taken out of that. I guess I'll just sit here and get dumber.

• Hick Redskins fan: "I live for this game. I don't care about anything else." Me: "Like personal hygiene." Adds the Greek: "Or racial equality ... not even NASCAR, or Mama's Family on DVD."

• Curt Menefee has a studio update of someone scoring a touchdown, and then he throws it back to Troy Aikman and says something like, "That dance was good, Troy, but nothing like Hannah Montana." Score one for Curt Menefee.

• The "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS" idiot asks hick Redskins fan if he thinks Joe Gibbs will be back next year. The woman with the cowboy hat responds, "He kept smoke, so he's doing something right!" She's asked to repeat this, because no one knows what the fuck she's talking about ... as it turns out, upon further explanation, she's referring to NASCAR driver Tony Stewart. And she says it like everyone else in the room is dumb, because they don't know who "Smoke" is. I swear, I'm hemorrhaging IQ points right now.

• Though it's nearly impossible to concentrate on anything else at the moment, I would like to point out that the 49ers are wearing their throwbacks today, and they are the best-looking pile of shit on an NFL field today.

• Shaun Suisham missed a field goal for the Redskins. Hick Redskins fan yells, "I SAW THAT! THE GOALPOST MOVED!" He and idiot Cowboys fan think that's the funniest thing ever said by a human being.

• Idiot Cowboys fan to an Eagles fan sitting nearby: "Hey, Eagles fan. Hey, Eagles fan. You like McNabb?" Since the guy is wearing a fucking #5 Eagles jersey, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he does, dickface. He then proceeds to tell the guy that McNabb's the most overrated player in the NFL.

• When Ed Hochili officiates a Rams/49ers game ... he's one of the best five athletes on the field, right? He can't be far off.

• I think the table of Redskins/NASCAR/Smoke/Camouflage people are doing the Budweiser "Wassssuuuuupppp" thing. I kid you not. I should never have gotten out of bed today.

• Jason Campbell's playing a fantastic game, by the way ... it's the best I've seen him play. He's nearly matching Tony Romo. Anyway, on one play, Campbell gets blindsided in the pocket and is sacked. Hick Redskins fan is screaming that Joe Gibbs should "get him out of there." I'm thinking this gentleman would like to see a return to the purer, whiter days of Joe Theismann. Or Mark Brunell. Or Patrick Ramsey. Or Gus Frerotte. Or Jay Schroeder. Or Heath Shuler.

• The Jets are still leading the Steelers, by the way ... I'd like to focus a little bit more on that game, but I've just been sucked into the vortex of redneck stupidity that surrounds me. Anyway, at this point in the season, the Jets are +17 in the first half, and -80 in the second half. Someone's not making their halftime adjustments very well.

• Nate Burleson goes over the middle for the Seahawks, knocks over a defender at the goal line, then catches an easy TD pass. I don't think that's legal, but it's going to count.

• And on the ensuing kickoff, kicker Josh Brown takes down Devin Hester with a very nice stick. Hm.

• The Redskins commit a blatant pass interference penalty down the field ... it's as obvious a call as you're ever going to see. Hick Redskins fan jumps out of his seat and yells, "REVIEW IT!" Blood's going to start pouring from my ears at any moment.

• And Thomas Jones has just become the first 100-yard rusher against the Steelers in 24 games. Thomas Jones did this. Yes, that Thomas Jones.

• Total yards: Steven Jackson: 114. San Francisco 49ers: 94.

• Huge ass, tight jeans, cowboy hat Redskins fan thinks there's no excuse for NFL kickers to not make 70-yard field goals regularly, because college kickers can make 50-yarders. I thought that was a worthwhile observation, and I'm happy to pass it along to you.

• Tony Romo goes deep to Terrell Owens over the middle ... touchdown Cowboys, and Owens, without breaking stride, goes straight into the dunk over the crossbar. That was beautiful. 21-13 Cowboys.

• The Bears, who hadn't used Devin Hester on offense at all today, give it to him on the reverse. Hester looks for the corner, sees that there's no room, and pusses his way out of bounds without making contact with anyone. I guess that's allowed when you're the only talented offensive player on your football team.

• Tony Romo to Terrell Owens again ... damn. Owens is going fucking bananas today.

• FOX is showing a pregame clip of Steven Jackson messing with some kid on the sidelines in the Rams/49ers game. The kid, being held by his dead, keeps turning away from Jackson, but Jackson won't leave it alone. He wants to mess with this kid for some reason. Jackson eventually goes around to the other side of the guy, and takes the lollipop out of the kid's mouth. The kid looks at him like, "Hey, what the fuck, man?"

• The 49ers are driving, by the way, and have a chance to take the lead .. on consecutive plays, Vernon Davis and Darrell Jackson drop catchable balls in the endzone. Trent Dilfer's going to be fighting again in practice this week.

• Owens makes another catch. Hick Redskins fan: "TERRELL OWENS, I'D SHOOT THAT SUMBITCH." I don't find that difficult to believe at all, and I'm sure you've got the gun in your truck right now.

• Jason Campbell is putting together a potentially game-winning drive, with the Redskins down 5. Hick Redskins fan looks back at idiot Cowboys fan and says, "You nervous, boy?" Idiot Cowboys fan responds, "I'm as calm as a cucumber."

• Idiot Cowboys fan also drops this bomb: he's majoring in education. If you ever believed that the children are our future, it's time to come up with a new belief system.

• Leon Washington takes a punt back deep into Steelers territory, getting the Jets into field goal range ... they're actually going to beat the Steelers. I find this quite surprising.

• The Nuge comes on to attempt a 37-yarder ... it's up, it's good, and the Steelers have gone down. To the Jets.

• Jason Campbell has the Redskins inside the Cowboys red zone, looking for the winning score ... he rolls right, throws back across his body and is intercepted. That's unfortunate ... Campbell deserved a better ending than that.

• This sets off a standing-up, shouting-at-the-top-of-his-lungs, bullshit, moronic tirade from hick Redskins fan, about how the Redskins can't win with Campbell ... and I've gotta get the fuck out of here.

• Is it me, or does it seem like almost every single week, at least 70 percent of the games on the NFC schedule are unclean anus? There are so many teams in the NFL this year that are either bad, or not quite bad but still unpleasant to watch ... it seems like it's almost impossible to have a good slate of games.

• Fortunately, in a place like this, where you can watch seven TVs, you only need one or two of them to turn out decent, and you can be thoroughly entertained. The NFL has a nice little system that way. Two decent games, and maybe one remarkable individual performance, and that's all anyone will talk about. No one will even remember all the shit vs. shit, vomit vs. shit, and non-shit vs. shit matchups.

• Update from FOX's Jay Glazer: "The Cleveland Browns are sticking with Derek Anderson." I'm sorry, was there a chance that they wouldn't? Have the Browns gotten tired of winning already? To report the same news in a different way, "The Cleveland Browns have decided that winning games will remain one of their goals."

• In celebration of the Marines birthday, a group of Marines are on the field somewhere (Washington, I believe) doing all that nifty gun-twirling stuff that they did in the beginning of A Few Good Men.

• Tomorrow being Veterans Day and all, I'd like to extend my most sincere wishes for safety and peace for all the men and women who are serving, or who have served in our Armed Forces ... including Vinny Testaverde for all of his heroic work as a USO dancer in the Spanish-American War.

• TV guy asks me if I'd mind if he changed the Jacksonville/Tennessee game to the Panthers/Falcons game, because some dude behind me wants to watch that classic shit vs. shit matchup. I hate to ruin anyone's day, but ... I don't know. I feel selfish, because I don't really care about that game, but at the same time, I'm trying to minimize the amount of shit that flies into my eyeballs. Understandable?

• I'm begging for Adrian Peterson to put up 300 yards on someone, so I can get a reprieve of the constant highlights of him ass-raping the Chargers.

• More late-breaking news: Joe Horn and Keary Colbert are both out of the Panthers/Falcons game. That's terrible news for quarterbacks who couldn't get the ball to them anyway.

• You know how FOX sometimes at the beginning of a game, will put three players up on the screen under the heading, "In the Spotlight"? For Minnesota this week, it's three Adrian Petersons. If things like this keep happening, Brooks Bollinger is going to go all Matt Saracen on him and tackle him like a little girl at the end of a game.

• Pittsburgh opens their game against Cleveland by going 3-and-out, and then the Browns turn around and break off a Steelers-like drive ... They're picking up blitzes, Derek Anderson is throwing strikes. All told, it's a 16-play, 71-yard, 8:55 drive that ends with a TD catch by Kellen Winslow Jr.

• It's so fitting that Winslow scored on the day before Veterans Day. Our soldiers must be so proud of one of their own.

• Quinn Gray has a very unusual way of sending receivers in motion ... most quarterbacks will lift their knee and raise one foot off the ground, and that's a symbol for the receiver to move. Not Quinn Gray. He extends his entire leg behind him like a fucking ballerina. Kinda like this, but ... without the arm movement, and his leg doesn't get quite as high.

• Effeminate motion signals aside, the Tiny Dancer finishes off the drive with a TD pass, giving the Jags a 7-0 lead against the Titans. Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew were both rather punishing on that drive as well.

• Browns return man Joshua Cribbs, after a Steelers field goal, returns a kick 89 yards down inside the Steelers 5. We're on the brink of a 14-3 Brownie lead here.

• Budweiser should write to the networks about not having their George Clooney-voiceover commercials airing anywhere near commercials for Ocean's Thirteen. It really destroys any believability in the fact that Clooney's a Budweiser drinker. "Roseanne"-era Clooney might have liked Budweiser, or "Facts of Life Clooney "... but Ocean's Thirteen Clooney? Come on. This guy's going to mastermind a $500 million casino heist, and two minutes later, he's going to tell me that his favorite thing in the world is some bullshit beechwood aging process?

• Maurice Jones Drew extends the Jags lead against the Titans, and then celebrates with something that will not become the newest dance craze. His arms do the windmill, while his legs are engaged in some funky chicken action ... it's odd, but at least it has no connection to Soulja Boy (again, Happy Veterans Day) or the suppermanning of hoes.

• Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, unaware that it is not 1988, and he is not Bill Parcells, is wearing a tight sweater on the sidelines for the Skins.

• Tidbits from FOX: In Brett Favre's rookie year, the Soviet Union collapsed and Adrian Peterson was six years old.

• Uh-oh ... Large Benjamin throws an interception in his own red zone, where the Browns will take over, already with a 14-6 lead.

• By the way, if it seems like the universe is at all unbalanced at the moment, halfway through the 2nd quarter, both the Rams and Dolphins have leads.

• Derek Anderson's looking for Braylon Edwards in the endzone ... and oooh, that's a pretty catch. Officials say it was out, but Browns head coach Romeo Crennel disagrees ... and to show his disagreement, he will sprint-waddle out onto the middle of the field, and angrily chuck his red challenge flag at an official. Replay agrees ... TD Brownies, and it's 21-6.

• This feels significant. On one hand, the Browns/Steelers game feels a little bit like a poor man's version of Colts/Patriots, where the underdog team was in control, but you kind of had a sense that the other team was a powder keg that could go off at any second ... but on the other hand, it also feels like the Browns are officially saying, "You're not whipping our ass anymore. You might win, but you're going to have to work for it. You are not the only team in this division."

• I was just played for a chump. I didn't even realize it was happening. Remember the guy who wanted the Jags/Titans game changed to Panthers/Falcons? He just sent a cute girl over to the table to ask me if I'd mind if they changed the channel ... and it worked. I didn't even see it coming. She walks over, smiles, bats her eyelashes, asks very nicely ... and I'm like, "OKAY PRETTY GIRL ME DUMB CHANGE CHANNEL." I should have fucking known better. Twenty seconds later, I've gone from Jags/Titans in Hi-Def to Vinny vs. Joey in Standard Definition, and it finally dawns on me what just happened. That dirty whore. I am so weak.

• Stat from FOX: the Rams have had 2 different starters this year at left tackle, 4 at left guard, 2 at center, 6 at right guard, and 4 at right tackle. And yet, they lead the Saints.

• James Thrash has two touchdown catches? When's the last time that happened?

• You know what? I'm not leaving that question a rhetorical. I'm looking it up, because that's the kind of dedication to research and truth that I have. James Thrash hasn't had a touchdown at all since October of 2006. He had a total of two touchdowns from September 8, 2003 until yesterday a little after 1:00 p.m. EST. His last 2 TD game was on November 11, 2001. If you had the insight to start him in a fantasy league this week, you deserve to be orally pleasured for the next 18 hours.

• The Packers continue to whitewash the Vikings ... making me even more confident in my prediction that the Chargers are going to lose by 30 tonight at Indy. Don't be fooled by the Chargers ... they're not an "X-factor," or a "dangerous" team, or a team that could round into form ... they're just not very good.

• As a side note, it's much more fun to watch Adrian Peterson when it's not your team that he's raping and pillaging ... even if he's being held without any rapes or pillages at all on the stat sheet today against the Packers.

• Time of possession: Rams, 26:45. Saints, 9:28. Plays: Rams, 47. Saints, 17. It's 27-7, and Marc Bulger is kicking the ass of Drew Brees all up and down the Superdome carpet. I did not see that coming.

• Buffalo records a safety on Cleo Lemon to cut Miami's lead to 3-2. Meanwhile, Denver leads Kansas City 13-8, and Washington leads Philadelphia 15-7. I know the odds are against it, but I think today's the day that the Raiders break through and find a way to score 1.

• Uh oh ... Adrian Peterson takes a shot to the knee, goes upside down, and is now on the ground, either crying or convulsing.

• Pittsburgh has regained all momentum against the Browns, too ... with 5:00 left to play in the third, the Browns have yet to pick up a first down in the 2nd half.

• Peterson appears to be all right ... I believe he used his Purple Baby Jesus powers to heal himself. He's up and running on the sidelines. Phew. The Vikings almost had to rely entirely on first-string running back Chester Taylor.

• Here comes Morten Andersen from 47 yards ... and HERE COMES MORTEN ANDERSEN FROM 47 YARDS. I didn't know that kind of power still rested in Morten's leg. This shoots up some red flags ... while I have no ill will for the guy whatsoever, I think it would be awesome if Morten Andersen was busted for steroids.

• Large Benjamin, meanwhile, breaks off a 30-yard TD run, followed by a 2-point conversion pass ... and the Steelers have re-taken the lead. It feels like it's about time to declare this one a valiant effort from the Browns.

• Brett Favre strategically aims a pass at a Vikings defender's chest, knowing that another Vikings defender will swoop in and bat it away from him, and that both defenders will fall down in a heap and allow Ruvell Martin to make an easy TD catch.

• Browns kick returner Joshua Cribbs is a talented guy, and it's a good thing, because that was kinda dumb ... he misplayed a squib kick, then took his time and let it roll down inside his own 1-yard-line, apparently hoping it would cross the line and he could kneel on it ... kind of like a third baseman hoping a bunt will roll foul. Didn't happen, though ... so he chases it back to the 1, appears to be hemmed in for a Brownie disaster, and then, in a magnificent triumph of talent over intelligence, takes it 100 yards to the house. Just a ridiculous play ... and one that has the Brownies still alive.

• Unfortunately for Cleveland (and everyone else who doesn't like dickheads), however, Ben Roethlisberger is fucking awesome ... he leads a drive that eventually culminates in a TD strike to Heath Miller, thrown into traffic, back against his body.

• Joey Harrington, meanwhile, heroically hits Alge Crumpler over the middle ... Crump slips through a couple of defenders and streaks into the endzone for a game-winning TD with under 20 seconds left. Some plays seem like great efforts by great players (see: Roethlisberger), and some just sort of feel like fortunate happenstance (see: Harrington). Similar things, but there was quite a contrast in how they felt.

• The Browns final drive, crippled by a holding penalty on another quality Joshua Cribbs return eventually dies one-yard outside of Cleveland kicker Phil Dawson's career long distance. He'll try it anyway ... and it's straight enough, but comes up short. Ben Roethlisberger celebrates by tackling and then dry-humping Hines Ward.

• Unfortunately, I can't stay for the 4 o'clock games today, and I'll have to miss one of the week's non shit vs. shit matchups, in Giants/Cowboys. But Steelers/Giants was interesting, and the Rams came out of nowhere to get a win ... and that's enough to wash away all the rest of the Bills/Dolphins, Broncos/Chiefs, Panthers/Falcons garbage.

• You know, the group of 1:00 games today ... it really sucks balls. It's almost like the league did it on purpose. If you've got a great main event, why bother putting together a good undercard? No one's going to remember any of it at the end of the day anyway.

• That is, unless, the Jets manage to upset the Redskins. It is only acceptable to lose to one AFC East team this year, and it's not the Jets ... I can't deny that I'd enjoy this. Any sort of positivity achieved by the Jets in 2007 would have to be considered surprising and memorable. Leon Washington returns the opening kickoff to the house.

• FOX analyst Tony Siragusa on where the Jets should go from here: "One thing the Jets don't want to do right now is to give up a return touchdown right back." Surprisingly, Moose Johnston does not offer a counterpoint to that flimsy argument.

• A fellow named Legudu Naanee has caught a couple of passes early in the game for the Chargers. I do believe that these are his first touches of the year. I'm not sure how you pronounce his last name, but I think the Jumbotron at Qualcomm should play the clip of Ned Nederlander summoning the Invisible Swordsman every time he makes a play. "Chipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchip ... NANNY."

• Hey, it's a Koren Robinson sighting. He's in uniform for the Packers today. I guess it's a good sign that we never heard a peep from Koren Robinson during his year-long suspension ... it's so hard these days for a guy to be suspended and not end up winning the TNA World Tag Team championship at some point during his banishment.

• In the first quarter of the Redskins/Jets game, there have been 115 yards of combined total offense. And it's still among the more entertaining early games.

• Tarvaris Jackson throws a little dump-off pass over the middle ... a pass that travels about a distance of 4 yards, and misses its target by about a distance of 3 yards. Tarvaris Jackson throws the ball approximately as accurately as Chargers punter Mike Scifres punts it.

• Uh oh ... Jay Cutler's getting a free cart ride. I have no idea who might be the backup in Denver. It couldn't still be Bradlee Van Pelt, could it? Is Steve Beuerlein around? Bubby Brister, maybe?

• Nope. Patrick Ramsey. That guy had a bright future a long time ago.

• Kellen Clemens hits unstoppable offensive force Joe Kowalewski for the touchdown pass, and the Jets have an improbable 17-3 lead. It's just like everyone said would happen ... the Redskins don't have an answer for the Joe Kowalewski matchup.

• Maurice Jones-Drew returns a kickoff for a touchdown, and was pretty clearly gone at about his own 25-yard-line. For some reason, and this doesn't speak well of the Saints coverage unit, Olindo Mare is the first (and only, really) player to get a clean shot at Drew ... and he got it at about the 20-yard-line. He whiffed, of course, because he's Olindo Mare. But that's about the earliest I've ever seen a kickoff return become a certain touchdown.

• And now Jags quarterback Quinn Gray hobbles off the field ... who the fuck backs up Quinn Gray? I'm staying with the Quinn theme and guessing Jonathan Quinn. My theory is that Jack Del Rio was a huge fan of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and uses that show to make many of his personnel decisions.

• Nope. Todd Bouman. I think we're one hit away from Matt Jones being under center. But dear God, how could the Jags stand to lose his contributions at wide receiver?

• #83, a fellow named Mike Leach, is practicing taking snaps on the Denver sideline. You might remember Mike Leach from his glory days as a punter and tight end at William & Mary, until the team dropped their football program, and he transferred to Boston University. Anyway, yeah, this guy could be playing some quarterback today. I am excited.

• Kellen Clemens is currently 11-of-15, having completed passes to 7 different receivers. That's pretty amazing for a young quarterback.

• A commercial for some new bacon-heavy sandwich at Burger King inspires a brief conversation about the best bacon-involved burgers at fast food restaurants. Eventually, we just decide that the best thing to do would be to eliminate the middle man, and just make a ground bacon burger, with the option to get bacon on it. If Burger King were to actually do this, it would kill 10% of the American population in about 6 months.

• The Juice comments that one of the other waitresses, a very, very, thing young woman, could use a ground bacon burger. "Her arm, seriously, is thinner than my cock."

• She refuses to take a side-by-side measurement.

• Dear God ... I think Antonio Cromartie just pulled off the longest play in NFL history. He caught a missed Vikings field goal in the back - the waaaay back - of the endzone, and then housed it with unbelievable speed. That was about 109 yards and 34 inches ... his toe was just inside the endzone. Incredible play, and it swings the score from potentially 10-7 Vikings, to 14-7 Chargers. To be honest, we don't quite deserve this lead.

• Antonio Cromartie has equaled the scoring output of the Carolina Panthers over the past two weeks.

• Speaking of the Panthers, David Carr is sacked (unusual, I know) ... and then decides that he can just get up and run with the football. Apparently, Carr alone has decided on a new NFL rule that says the first sack made against David Carr on any given play doesn't count. I actually think this rule would be pretty fair ... if you sack David Carr once, you have to let him get up, and then count 5 Mississippi before you can sack him again.

• Our waitress is sitting down and chatting with us now ... as it turns out, The Juice knows her. She starts telling us about a Halloween costume contest, where she won $200 for her ladybug costume. "My friends were like, 'How did you win with a ladybug costume?' and I was like, 'Well, I was half-naked'." See, I was worried that women weren't aware that Halloween had become a holiday designed to exploit them. But nope ... they're aware. That's a load off.

• Drew Brees has 336 passing yards at the half. Against Jacksonville, who I thought had a reasonably good defense. At this point, I'm buying the Saints resurgence more than I'm buying the Chargers resurgence.

• And that's partially because Adrian Peterson just can't be stopped today ... he's gashing the asshole of the Chargers defense, play after play.

• So naturally, Brad Childress gives Chester Taylor a few carries ... and he fumbles, almost immediately.

• Detroit is absolutely whitewashing the Broncos ... Jay Cutler has even returned to the game. It's 30-0, Detroit.

• Behind a Clinton Portis TD and an Antwaan Randle-El 2-point conversion, Washington's finally taken the lead against the Jets. It is time to rally, Kellen Clemens.

• By the way, I'd like to mention that Chad Pennington has taken his benching extremely graciously ... not that he had a choice, really. What was he going to do, scream, "This is bullshit, I AM CHAD PENNINGTON"? How could he expect anyone to keep a straight face through that?

• This might be my favorite camera shot of the year: TJ Houshmandzadeh's on the sidelines, showing Chad Johnson how to catch. I'm sure there's more to the conversation than that, but ... that's what it looks like. Housh is standing in front of him, barking at him, demonstrating what a guy's hands should look like when trying to catch a football.

• The Chargers currently have 35 rushing yards against 45 penalty yards. This is what happens when you're missing your starting center and you're going up against Vikings DT Pat Williams. You've also got to think that Norv Turner's a factor there.

• Marshawn Lynch throws his name into the conversation for "Best quarterback currently playing in Buffalo" and hits tight end Robert Royal with a TD pass. Royal then breaks out the Crank That Soulja Boy dance thing that's so popular with the kids these days.

• By the way, anyone know what the fuck that guy's saying in that song? Also, exactly how do you go about supermanning a ho? That sounds like something I'd like to try.

• And Sidney Rice of the Vikings gets loose for a long TD against the Vikings ... it's 21-14. The Chargers might come back to win this game, I don't know ... but as far as I'm concerned, they're being exposed right now. The Vikings have closed off the lanes for LaDainian Tomlinson, and they've taken Antonio Gates out of the game ... which puts things on the shoulder of Philip Rivers, who has regressed like an Alzheimer's patient.

• Big Shaun Rogers of the Lions intercepts a Broncos pass (yes, it's that bad) and starts trampling to the endzone at about the pace of a tugboat. Selvin Young catches him from behind and ... OHHH, HAVE SOME STIFF-ARM, MOTHERFUCKER. That's the greatest stiff-arm by a defensive lineman in the history of the NFL. I can't be sure, but Shaun Rogers may have just supermanned Selvin Young.

• Brett Favre launches a pass, falling backwards, off the wrong foot ... and it's a perfect strike down the middle to Greg Jennings for the touchdown. Just an amazing throw.

• Wait ... is this what it means to superman a ho? Because that's fucking sick. Who the fuck comes up with these things? And am I the last one to know this? Because when the rest of the white people in the world find out what they've been dancing to, they're going to be really upset. Fair warning.

• And that is certainly not what Shaun Rogers did to Selvin Young. I don't know if it would be more or less humiliating, though.

• Uh oh ... Larry Johnson's getting a free cart ride. He was primed to have a great second half of the season, from a fantasy standpoint. I don't know how serious it is, of course ... serious enough to warrant a cart ride, though. It's Priest time.

• The Nuge sends the Jets into overtime with the Redskins, with a last-second field goal.

• The Chargers are just being owned by Adrian Peterson ... it's one thing to shut the Chargers offense down. Their success the last couple of weeks was based more on the ass-awful play of their opponents ... that's not a total surprise. But the defense getting owned at the line of scrimmage like this, by the Vikings offensive line ... that is a surprise. I'm embarrassed.

• Oh boy ... Chad Johnson is down, and it doesn't look good. He's getting the full stretcher/neck-stabilizer treatment. His mouth is hanging open, and his hands are sort of floating about aimlessly as they wheel him off. Let's hope he's alright. What I wouldn't give to hear a random "HUE!" right now.

• And the Redskins top the Jets in overtime ... 'tis a shame. The Redskins fans in the joints just go crazy when the winning field goal goes through. Is that really an appropriate response? I mean, you barely beat the Jets ... concern and relief seem like more appropriate emotions than utter joy.

• But hey, who am I to judge ... my team just gave up 296 rushing yards to a rookie. And if Brad Childress had been Bill Belichick, Peterson would have had 400.

• Patriots/Colts is underway now, too ... early on, Joe Addai is just carving up the Patriots.

• I really don't feel like watching this. It's difficult to watch quality football being played when your favorite team has just been dominated in every phase of the game. I can't watch any decent football right now.

• What I'm saying is this: I've got a FEVER. And the only PRESCRIPTION ... is RAIDERS/TEXANS. Or I might just nap for a little while.

• My fantasy team also features three players from the Raiders/Texans game ... which is also not a good sign.

• There's some fucking idiot behind me, who, whenever a running back on his fantasy football team gets a carry, yells, "RUN IT! RUN IT!" As opposed to what, dickface, do the worm with it? He is running it. The decision to run the football has already been made, asshole. Why not add in a "MOVE TOWARDS THE ENDZONE!" or "TRY TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THE OTHER TEAM!" cheer?

• Seattle/Cleveland suits me just fine at the minute, too ... there's a Browns fan here with a throwback Bernie Kosar jersey on. I can't decide if this is one of the stranger jersey choices I've ever seen, or if it's just an indictment of the entire history of the Cleveland Browns. There may not be a better option.

• Ron Dayne has entered the game for the Texans ... and Ron Dayne is not fucking around today. He scoots through the Oakland defense to give the Texans a 14-0 lead. Losing 14-0 to the Texans at home, by the way, is not an indication of a good football team.

• Sebastian Janikowski, before the half, is lining up to attempt what would be an NFL record 64-yard field goal. Gary Kubiak calls time-out to ice him ... do we really need to ice guys before they try 64-yard field goals? Also, icing the kicker assumes that he has some sort of awareness of what's going on around him, which I'm not sure is the case with Sebastian Janikowski.

• Holy fuck. Janikowski missed, but ... he hit the upright, and he hit it at least halfway up the post. Two inches to the left, and that thing would've been good from 70. Easily. What a freakish leg on that guy ... it would be a shame to see him waste it if he wasn't a Raider.

• I'm ready to ease into Patriots/Colts a little bit ... one can only squeeze so much excitement from Raiders/Texans. Joseph Addai is doing some brilliant work catching the underneath balls ... he takes that one 73 yards down the sidelines for the touchdown.

• Oddness on that play: Randall Gay was chasing Joseph Addai ... as was Rodney Harrison, who was behind Randall Gay. Rodney Harrison, for some reason, decides to push Randall Gay down. I can't explain that. Maybe he hadn't gotten in his customary cheap shot this quarter, and Randall Gay had to be the one to pay for it.

• Ooooh ... No Country for Old Men, the movie. That commercial may be the most pleasing thing I've seen all day.

• That one-handed catch over the middle by Randy Moss ... that's just not fair. I don't have the first clue how that guy is able to do some of the things he does. It's almost not human.

• An actual cheer is heard in the room when the McDonalds "McRib is back" commercial comes on. The people love their McRibs.

• It's 13-10 Colts to start the 4th quarter ... and you know, regardless of what happens from here on out, I've gotten what I've wanted out of this game: the knowledge that someone can beat the Patriots. They might not hold on to do it, but the Colts played well enough to lead through three quarters, and that's good enough for me. I can at least leave here today feeling like the a Patriots championship is not a foregone conclusion. Likely, perhaps, but not a foregone conclusion.

• Marlin Jackson makes a nice defensive play for the Colts ... and the "RUN IT! RUN IT!" guy yells, "Yeah, Bill, go get your sweatshirt and cut it up, buddy!" Just vicious trash talk. This guy goes straight for the jugular. Thank God Belichick can't hear him ... he'd need weeks of therapy after that verbal torture.

• Big play: Peyton Manning completing a pass in a narrow spot to Dallas Clark to pick up a 3rd-and-15. The throw was impressive, the read maybe more so. The Colts finish the drive with a Peyton Manning sneak for a TD, and it's 20-10 in the 4th quarter. Hm.

• And just minutes later, Tom Brady goes deep to Randy Moss, and completely changes the complexion of the game. Unfuckingbelievable. The Colts are plodding along, efficiently and confidently, keeping things under control ... and the Patriots strike, just like that. Such is the magic of Randy Moss. It's a gain of 55, while Antoine Bethea was flagged for interference on the play.

• According to Phil Simms, Bethea also lined up 25 yards off the line of scrimmage against Moss ... and Moss still beat him deep.

• The Colts punt the ball away to Wes Welker, and Welker, astutely following this guy's "RUN IT!" instructions, gets the ball to the 50-yard line ... which is nice starting position when you're down 3, with 3:58 to play. Hard not to like the Patriots chances here.

• Kellen Winslow Jr. catches a ball inside the 1 for the Browns ... the play is reviewed to determine if he had crossed the goal line, and the call goes against the Browns. Winslow then has to spend the next 30 seconds trying to get his own fans to shut the fuck up with the Browns are on offense. It just stands in such stark contrast to Indy, where the crowd is always dead silent when Peyton Manning's operating.

• Hey, Tim Dwight scores a touchdown for the Raiders. When did he get back in the league?

• The Patriots score ... maybe too soon, though. They leave 3:10 on the clock for Peyton Manning from his own 24. Come on, Peyton ... lets make this happen. You lead a touchdown drive here, and I swear, I'll leave this place and go buy a Kenny Chesney album. I will. I promise.

• Ah, fuck. Manning's hit from behind, and fumbles the ball away to Roosevelt Colvin, and we're done here. Colvin, of course, has to trot to midfield and spike the ball directly down onto the Colts helmet. Thank God, I was afraid the Patriots were going to go an entire game without doing something to seem like assholes.

• I should've never made that Chesney promise. God thought it was more important that I be protected from the bad music and deviant gay messages you can hear when playing Chesney CDs backwards, than it was that good triumph over evil in the Colts/Patriots game. That was my fault.

• Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy meet at midfield, and exchange the least friendly handshake in the history of handshakes. You know what Bill Belichick could have done to gain my respect right there? He could've firmly grabbed Dungy's hand, pulled him in close, and said, "You know what else, Dunge? I love cock. I could suck it all day long. God, I love being gay," all the while, squeezing Dungy's hand and not letting him go. That would have made me a Patriots fan.

• For some reason, one of the 70-inch TVs is set on double-zoom mode, and I'm getting an outstanding look at Emmitt Smith's graying stubble and Mike Ditka's dental work. Mike, next time you see your dentist, please congratulate him/her on the fantastic work they did on your maxillary lateral incisor. You can't even tell that you once bit into a lead pipe because you thought it was a popsicle.

• Late-breaking news from Rachel Nichols on the Dolphins/Giants game in London ... Jay Feely has Plaxico Burress in his fantasy line-up. Please adjust your ... actually, I have no idea what you're supposed to do with that information.

• Fox has opted to send Tony Siragusa to England ... which is great, because we, as a nation, have kept Tony Siragusa to ourselves for far too long. It's time we shared this national treasure.

• By the way, this Taco Bell commercial, with a big brother giving his little brother his three rules for living ... perhaps the most intensely annoying non-Mellencamp commercial of the last five years. I nominate that guy for the worst older brother ever ... and my older brother himself spent a large portion of his Saturday evening attempting to teabag a 42-year-old man.

• Dolphins/Giants is underway ... and I was under the impression that the Dolphins would get to use the 26-foot machine/monster Jason Taylor on the field. I thought this was some kind of effort to help the league's competitive balance. Disappointing.

• We're past kickoff time ... and of the 9 TVs in the room, two of them are on bowling, and the other 7 are showing a combined two games. New TV guy is still finding his sea legs. But that's all right, it's not like this is a sports bar or anything.

• Steven Jackson is announcing his presence with authority ... on the Rams opening drive, he picks up 31 yards and the TD. Maybe we've all failed to realize just how bad Brian Leonard might be.

• Plaxico Burress runs a short slant, and to get open, he uses the seldom-taught "shove the defensive back down by the face" technique. It's just one of those fundamental things that today's receivers have gotten away from.

• VINNY > PEYTON. The Panthers rip off an 11-minute opening drive and take a 7-0 lead behind a DeShaun Foster touchdown. I understand, no defense is perfect ... but 11 minutes? Against Carolina? That's a bad sign for next week.

• The Giants just failed to pick up a 3rd down on a miserable little screen pass attempt to Madison Hedgecock. I could be wrong, but after the play, I think I read Tom Coughlin's lips saying, "Was that third down?" Something else have your attention, coach? Marveling at the UK's Parliament system?

• Here's something I didn't anticipate seeing this weekend ... or ever, really. A Vikings touchdown pass. It was only a matter of time before those Kelly Holcomb to Visanthe Shiancoe sparks started flying.

• And they follow it up with an onside kick! Brad Childress has BALLS OF PLATINUM. It's that old NFL saying ... when Kelly Holcomb is hot, you keep getting Kelly Holcomb the ball.

• I think I just saw six dudes sitting in a garage, playing a song called "Viva Viagra." And I think it's great ... too many of those unnatural hard-on commercials have a man in a woman together in a bathtub overlooking a cliff, or a man and a woman in a hammock ... gay guys need to increase blood flow to their cock, too, don't they? And if they want to sit around in a garage, singing a song that celebrates man's pharmaceutically inspired erections, then I say more power to them.

• And it's 14-0 Rams ... behold the power of Steven Jackson. It's not just him ... Marc Bulger's off to a 7-of-8 start, and just hit Torry Holt for a TD pass. I am shocked.

• In a bigger-picture sense, it's also shocking that I'm shocked that someone's beating the Browns. It's been a wacky 2007.

• A couple of British fans in the Giants/Dolphins game have giant fake Yosemite Sam mustaches glued to their face. What a wonderful image we have abroad.

• VINNY > PEYTON. Manning is 0-for-3, Vinny is 6-for-8. It's a Halloween miracle. And just as I note this and thank Satan for his work, the Colts fumble the ball away, and the Vinnies take possession at the Colts' 28-yard-line.

• Aaaargh. VINNY maybe not > PEYTON. The Ancient Italian Interception Machine just threw a pick in the endzone that would've given the Panthers a 14-3 lead. Ideally, the Colts and Patriots both go into next week undefeated, but if Vinny has a chance here ... how could you root against Vinny?

• CBS is showing a graphic in the Steelers/Browns game with adjacent pictures of Bill Cowher and Steely McBeam, asking, "SEPARATED AT BIRTH?" I don't think they were separated at birth. Their ears are too dissimilar. I do believe, though, that if Steely was in that garage with one of the Viva Viagra guys, the only thing separating them would be a thin layer of Crisco and some ass hair.

• And London is treated to their first official NFL touchdown! And it's the best kind of NFL touchdown, one that shows off the magnificent physical attributes of our finest American athletes ... Eli Manning prancing into the corner of the endzone.

• It might just be my imagination (or this television), but everyone in the London game looks a little bit whiter. Eli is whiter than usual, Jay Feely looks like a bottle of paste ... even Cleo Lemon could pass for "really, really, tan." Someone should do a study on the whitening effects of British life.

• And the magic has likely just died ... a pulling guard (Mike Wahle, I believe), just inadvertently mashed Vinny Testaverde's ankle ... and I suddenly fucking hate Mike Wahle.

• Chad Johnson goes down in the Steelers/Bengals game ... he slams into the ground chin first, nothing breaking his fall, his helmet popping off, his face crashing into the ground ... ick. That looked like it hurt.

• Steven Jackson has gone back to the locker room in the Rams/Browns game ... I'm not sure of the injury, but he likely just took any hope of a Rams victory with him.

• Things aren't going well for TJ Houshmandzadeh, either. He just made a catch and took a pretty strong borderline-late hit from a Steelers DB ... but after the play, to his credit, he got up motioning for the Steelers to bring it on and do it again. Unfortunately, they took him up on the offer ... A ball on the sidelines goes sailing over his head on the next play, and some Steelers DB took the opportunity to put his shoulder into Housmandzadeh's face and just blast him to the turf.

• The novelty of this Giants/Dolphins game has worn off just a touch ... but I think that's just because it's one of the uglier games in NFL history. The Battle of Culloden featured crisper execution.

• Normal-sized Jason Taylor just hopped on an Eli Manning fumble with the Giants leading 13-0. The way players are sliding around in that game, it looks like they're playing on wet clay.

• Someone just grabbed Kelly Holcomb's head and spiked it down into the turf, turning Holcomb's entire body upside down in the process ... the guy was nearly perpendicular to the field when his head hit the ground. That'll compress some vertebrae.

• Nearly simultaneously, Peyton Manning gets top-rope splashed by Kris Jenkins and is on the sidelines, getting the smelling salts.

• The Steelers are going to beat the Bengals, but there's a little game-within-the-game happening ... Kenny Watson has a little over 80 yards with 4:00 to play, and the Steelers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher since ... I dunno, 1827 or something.

• And Kenny Watson has the ball stripped on the next play, and the Steelers recover. Kenny Watson's going to have to settle for 88 yards.

• Whoa ... Kevin Curtis just made the catch of the year for the Eagles. He went up with one hand, like he was attempting to knock an uncatchable ball away from a defender, and ended up hauling it in with one hand. It may be the most spectacularly athletic three seconds ever experienced by a white man. See for yourself.

• My goodness ... the Browns have committed 14 penalties for 101 yards ... and they're still going to beat the Rams.

• Cleo Lemon finds Ted Ginn for a touchdown, pulling the Dolphins to within 3 points of the Giants with 1:54 to play. England, prepare to experience the glee of the most common type of NFL game ... close, but extremely shitty.

• Of course, Jay Feely takes all the suspense out of it, opting for the "line drive straight out of bounds" onside kick tactic. That seems like a poor strategy. Imagine this being your first NFL experience, and you just saw Jay Feely kick the ball off, straight out of bounds, traveling about 10 yards. I'd imagine that would take some explaining.

• They're closing this portion of the bar for some kind of party, so we have to relocate upstairs ... where I'm surprised to hear the loudest cheers for the Bills/Jets game, which can't possibly make a tiny bit of difference to anything significant in the NFL.

• Meanwhile, the Texans long snapper rifles one over Matt Turk's head ... and he didn't just overshoot him by a little bit. The line of scrimmage was the 33, and this ball easily made it to the endzone. That thing was still on its way up when it cleared Turk's head.

• Anyway, Turk turned around and attempted to fall on the ball, and whiffed by a solid yard. He was being chased, but he had a clear opportunity to dive on the ball, and he just ... he just decided instead to dive on a neighboring piece of turf. Antonio Cromartie scooped up the ball for an easy touchdown.

• Tom Brady, with a wide open Randy Moss in the back of the endzone, tucks the ball away and keeps it himself for the rushing touchdown. A couple of minutes later, Tom's on the bench sitting next to Randy Moss, explaining/apologizing his selfish choice. I've never seen a receiver so blatantly placated before ... that's dedication from Tom Brady. Moss never makes eye contact, but the exchange ends with Randy giving a thumbs-up.

• Someone might want to alert the Texans to the presence of Antonio Gates. I know everyone's excited about Chris Chambers, but it's probably best to not quintuple cover Chambers and let Gates run free.

• I don't know if it's just this one guy, or this is tradition at Jets games ... but they show some fan sitting in his seat wearing the Hulk Hands. That has to make it difficult to eat nachos.

• The Texans have run 30 plays and scored 3 points. The Chargers have run 11 plays and scored 28 points.

• Antonio Cromartie is Matt Schaub's favorite target ... which would work well if they played on the same team. Cromartie has his second interception of the day, and for his trouble, Drayton Florence viciously belts Schaub from the blindside. It seems to me that you should be nice to a quarterback who's constantly being nice to your team.

• Florence was flagged for two personal fouls on the play ... and on the sidelines, some assistant coach says something to him, and I believe I lip-read Florence yelling back, "YEAH, I HIT HIM."

• Meanwhile, on the other sideline, I don't think anyone's ever been more obviously concussed than Matt Schaub is right now. He's breathing hard, rubbing his temples, working his jaw ... in this way, he reminds me of a young Troy Aikman.

• I haven't noted anything yet about the Patriots and Redskins game, and if you're wondering about it ... don't. It's straight-up murder.

• On this drive, for some reason, Tom Brady keeps going to Jabar Gaffney ... I think Tom's trying to prove something. "Yeah, it's nice that I have Randy Moss and Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth. But don't forget, I'm still Tom Brady, motherfuckers, and I can do this with Randy Moss, Jabar Gaffney, or an epileptic camel running routes for me."

• Sign at the Chargers/Texans game: "CAN'T BURN SAN DIEGO." Actually, signmaker, there's a certain combustion process that produces heat, light and flame that disagrees with you, and has actually found San Diego to be quite flammable. But that's good, let's taunt the fire. That'll help.

• There's a guy sitting across from me wearing a Redskins hat that lights up. It actually has little lights in it that blink. The little feather coming down from the back of the circle? It's blinking. There's a guy wearing a blinking hat. Without any sense of irony.

• The Patriots just went up 31-0 ... and now, the hat is no longer blinking. I guess 30 points is the blink/non-blink barrier. At 24-0, it's acceptable for your hat to blink. When it crosses 30 points, though ... the shame is too great for a blinking hat.

• JP Losman blindly heaves a pass deep to Lee Evans ... and Evans, because Jets defensive backs like to hit each other, is going to come out of there with the ball and waltz into the endzone. I wouldn't go so far as to say that was blind luck, as Lee Evans did put in the effort ... but there wasn't a lot of skill from JP Losman involved there.

• The Juice, for some reason, is going into full "Antagonize Other Fans" mode. I've never seen him do this before ... yes, he's drunk, but he's always drunk. I guess he's feeling a little chuffed since the Steelers won, and there's something pissing him off.

• He picks out five Bills fans sitting in the front of the room ... one of them wearing a Bills Bledsoe jersey, one of them a Sam Adams jersey, one of them a Nate Clements jersey, and two of them Marshawn Lynch jerseys. We've been sitting in this room for nearly three hours, and The Juice decides that just now, at this very second, it's gotten too aggravating to tolerate any longer.

• So he starts yelling at them ... "Lynch, and Lynch, you guys are alright ... THE OTHER THREE OF YOU ARE FUCKING DUMB. Clements is in San Francisco, I don't even know if Sam Adams is in the fucking league, and Drew Bledose? Seriously. You guys are fucking dumb."

• There's absolutely no reason for The Juice to be provoking anyone ... but it's cracking me up.

• Tom Brady goes to Wes Welker for a touchdown to make it 44-0, New England ... and someone yells, "THE PATRIOTS SUCK." The Juice, who hates the Patriots, can't help himself. "Yeah, the Patriots suck. It looks like it's 44-0 to me. I can't count, but it looks like it's 44-0."

• A nearby Bills fan (one of the Lynch jerseys, if you were wondering), who I don't think is even the guy who yelled it, takes offense, and looks at The Juice and starts trashing the Patriots for having no class, blah blah blah. The Juice responds with, "I'm sorry you have to deal with them beating you by 70 every year."

• About here is where the Patriots go for it on a 4th and 2, up 45-0. And not only do they go for it, but they throw the ball. A Redskins fan near The Juice is pissed off, and with no provocation whatsoever, The Juice starts yelling at the guy, "Yeah, the Redskins look real good ... they're only down SIX AND A HALF TOUCHDOWNS."

• The Patriots finish the drive and make it 52-0, and the Redskins fan starts trying to reason with The Juice. "Come on, if it was the Steelers, you'd be pissed off, too. They're going for it on 4th and 2, and making it 52-0? What if that happened to the Steelers?"

• This is where The Greek, also a Steelers fan, decides to get involved ... his response being, "The Steelers would never be down 52-0." The Redskins guy says, "Yeah, but what if they were? You wouldn't be pissed off?" The Greek says, "I'd just be embarrassed."

• The Redskins fan and a couple of his friends get up to leave ... and they're pissed off, talking trash and giving dirty looks to The Juice on their way out. And some girl with him goes, "Yeah, we'll see you Monday Night."

• None of us have any idea what she's talking about ... but The Juice gets up and turns around, and while holding himself, yells at her, "What's going on Monday night? Baby, what's Monday night? You want to see me on Monday night, honey?"

• At this point, I'm pulling him back into his chair, saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The innocent abuse victims are gone now, and The Juice is quite proud of himself. He says to me and The Greek, "Yeah, you know who to talk to if someone's fucking with you." I say, "Yeah, but no one was fucking with you, man." "Yeah, well..." is the best response he can muster.

• Eventually, we figure that this girl is one of those Ravens/Redskins hybrid fans, and she was referring to the Monday Night Ravens/Steelers game next week. Please don't feel bad for her.

• Awesome ... someone brought their baby to the bar with them today. I'm going to estimate the age of the child at 2, though I'm terrible at gauging such things. You know what I am good at, though? Teaching children profanity. I've sold instructional videos on how to get 18-month-old babies to say things like, "Toss my salad, dickwad." I'm great with kids, what can I say? Today, I'm making it my mission to have this child's first words be "Tom Brady is an asshole." I think the parents deserve it. A baby in a sports bar on a Sunday ... is nothing sacred?

• Kenny Mayne gets some chuckles for his Countdown segment with Marshawn Lynch, detailing a typical night out on the town for Lynch in Buffalo: Applebee's, then Dave & Busters, and then, if it's a really crazy night ... back to Applebee's. This has to make the Bills a very attractive option for potential free agents.

• Tampa Bay and Detroit are not playing nice. Someone's got a grip on someone else's facemask, and a bunch of other guys are standing around yelling and pointing like relief pitchers. Come on, boys ... don't fight around Jon Kitna. I think it's time for Kitna to step in and organize a prayer circle.

• Donte Stallworth hauls in a Tom Brady pass, and then some of the Magical Brady Pixie Dust that Tom's fingers left sprinkled on the ball somehow turn Stallworth into a great open-field runner. A couple of nifty moves later, Stallworth is in the endzone, and no, the Patriots are not fucking around today.

• Some exciting news at the bar, too ... the bar has a new guy in charge of the TVs. This has a way bigger effect on my life than it should. The old guy got fired ... I'm not sure why. I'd like to think that he got fed up with the quality of football in last Monday night's game, combined with the quality of Tony Kornheiser's commentary, and just snapped and said to himself, "Fuck it, I can't take this anymore," and put "Gay Nursing Home Orgies, Volume 4" on all 9 televisions, locked everyone in, and screamed, "NO! If you're willing to watch this disgusting game, then you'll watch this filth, too, dammit."

• New TV Guy has some first-day jitters, though. The Giants/49ers game is on in standard definition, and with a 3rd and goal at the 4 yard-line, this guy decides that right in the middle of Eli Manning's snap count is the perfect time to switch to the HD feed. We see Eli take the snap on a slightly fuzzy screen, a plain black screen for a few seconds, and then Amani Toomer celebrating in crisp HD. Poor start, new TV guy. Just poor.

• The new college football polls are out, and Ohio State is #1, followed by Boston College at #2. When's the last time the top two teams in the polls were almost universally acknowledged to not even be close to being the actual best teams in the nation? Fantastic system we've got here. And that whole "See, it makes the regular season so important!" argument is gaining steam today, too, because, you know, the NFL has a stupid old playoff system ... and clearly, TV ratings indicate that no one cares about the regular season when there's a playoff involved. Just so little interest in the NFL these days.

• Marshawn Lynch, fortified by the nutritious goodness of Tyler Florence's delicious new Applebee's concoctions, is having a pretty good go of it against the Baltimore defense early in this one. The Bills lead as we approach the end of the 1st.

• Shaun Alexander stars in an NFL.com commercial alongside Joey Fatone ... I don't know if the NFL people were trying to match two guys at similar career stages, but they certainly did.

• Cleo Lemon scores on the quarterback draw, taking it straight through the middle of the Pats defense, cutting the Patriots lead to 14-7. Cleo Lemon lays down for no man, bitches.

• Naturally, the Patriots take the ensuing kickoff back for a touchdown. But that's a mistake, because it puts the ball right back in Cleo Lemon's hands.

• Reluctantly, I end up glancing at the Falcons/Saints game every now and then, and every time I do, Warrick Dunn is barreling ahead for a gain of about 1.5 yards. I would love to hear an explanation as to why Warrick Dunn still gets more than double the carries of Jerious Norwood. Of all the things happening in the NFL right now that make no fucking sense, that one might be the most baffling. If it goes on for two more weeks, it's time for the point-shaving investigation.

• Tom Brady goes deep to Randy Moss, who's double-covered by two of Dolphins with about 1/18th of Randy's natural ability ... and Randy's going to wrestle that one away for the touchdown. Tom Brady's a great quarterback and everything ... but it requires very little skill to throw the ball to Randy Moss. You can just identify a moving circular area around Moss, with a radius of about 8 yards ... and if you can get it anywhere in that circle, there's about a 90 percent chance Moss is bringing it in, no matter who else is in that circle with him. 28-7, Pats.

• Kurt Warner's already got two interceptions, just a quarter and a half into his game against Washington. The Redskins pass defense is outstanding, and it's really about a 50/50 chance as to what team's going to end up with the ball when Warner puts it in the air. I think Kurt is just content to throw the ball to anyone wearing dark red and white. Some weeks it works, some weeks it doesn't.

• BREAKING NEWS: Joey Porter has recorded his first sack of the season. And down 28-7, with a record of 0-6, Porter gets up and celebrates with his stupid trademark kick thingie. What a stud this guy is. Joey Porter is a GAME-CHANGER. When he's in the game, anything can — oh, wait, the Patriots scored on the next play.

• It was another big, beautiful bomb to Randy Moss ... very similar circumstances. Double covered, not a particularly well-thrown ball ... Moss just gets it because his body has some odd gravitational force that attracts pigskin like a giant magnet. I don't understand how he does it. Double-coverage is invisible to him.

• Tom Brady, meanwhile, is 11-of-11 with 240 yards, and 4 touchdowns. But I still think Joey Porter's getting the better of that individual matchup.

• Hey, Neil Rackers wants to fight someone. He had an extra point blocked, and then grabbed the facemask of Redskins DB Carlos Rogers. I don't think Carlos Rogers is one of the baddest men in the NFL, but the only guy in the league I'm picking Neil Rackers to win a fight against is Nate Keading.

• The Patriots, leading 35-7, go into the hurry-up offense before the half ... you know, because 35-7 might not do enough to hammer home the point that they're better than the Dolphins. Sure enough, they do score ... it's 42-7 heading into the half. We get it. You're awesome. Leave the poor Dolphins alone.

• The way I see it, Joey Porter has one chance to get himself back in the good graces of football fans everywhere ... it involves his helmet, Tom Brady's knee, and some fragile ligaments and tendons in that knee. Unless he finds a cure for cancer or says something moderately intelligent (equally unlikely), this is the only way I'll ever respect Joey Porter again.

• Scratch that "again" part. I have never respected Joey Porter.

• The Bills have managed three field goals against the Ravens ... not an offensive explosion, but it's more than most teams have done against the Ravens recently. Of course, the Ravens schedule has consisted of home games against Donkey Shit, Mongoose Shit and Whale Shit, while they've gone on the road to battle Mule Shit, Snail Shit, Large Mouth Bass Shit and Chuck Woolery's Shit. But still, the fact that the Bills lead is a surprise to me.

• About 75 Dolphins fans remain in the stadium as the 3rd quarter starts ... I guess some fans don't find the idea of the Patriots running up the score while Ted Ginn runs around not catching passes tremendously appealing. Fair weather pussies.

• Here comes Matt Cassel in for the Patriots ... it looks like he'll play out the half. If he shows any signs of being a good quarterback, I'm going to go into a deep, deep, depression.

• Phew. He is not good. He immediately throws an interception that goes to the house. Thank God ... is it wrong that I find it comforting to know that if something does happen to Tom Brady, that the Patriots will, in fact, be much, much, worse? I just ... I really wanted confirmation on that. I'm glad I have it.

• Ronnie Brown is down on the ground and holding his knee ... which is fantastic, because I was afraid we might have one or two productive running backs in fantasy football this year. Ugh.

• Meanwhile, that pick/TD brought the Dolphins to within three touchdowns, and Tom Brady looks pissed.

• Bills quarterback Trent Edwards drops back, and throws an absolute duck down the field to Josh Reed. Despite the fact that the flight of the ball looked like a wild boar strapped to a rocking chair that was shot out of a cannon, the ball ends up on target. It was like Edwards anticipated not throwing a spiral ... like he decided to just throw it extra hard because he wanted this particular football to spin on its horizontal axis. A bold new strategy.

• This iPhone commercial with the pilot who got the weather check and was able to get his plane to take off sooner ... isn't this more of an indictment of the airline industry than a selling point for the iPhone? A portable device that allows you to check the weather ... amazing. We've only had those for like 10 years. But the people controlling the plane takeoffs don't have the ability to get on weather.com and check the Doppler? This concerns me.

• Byron Leftwich has been injured, it seems ... I'm as shocked as you are. Meanwhile, I can't pinpoint why, but I can't let go of this fondness I have for Joey Harrington. I just really want him to do well ... it feels kind of like watching The Fresh Prince and hoping that Carlton gets laid.

• My amigo Danks has texted me to let me know that there's a "LET'S GO, RED SOX" chant taking place in Miami's stadium right now.

• And Tom Brady's back in the game. A few plays later, it's a touchdown, Wes Welker. Seriously, Joey Porter ... there's nothing left you can do for humanity. Risk the fine, risk the suspension ... go for his knees. It's the only thing you can do to make your life mean something.

• The Ravens have pulled to within 19-14, and here's something I wouldn't have guessed ... Kyle Boller has led five game-winning or game-tying drives in his career. I'd have guessed that number was closer to -4.

• Tim Rattay hits tight end Leonard Pope for a short touchdown pass to somehow bring the Cardinals back to within two points of the Redskins. Curious as to how much faith that earned Tim Rattay among the Arizona coaching staff? The call for the 2-point conversion play was a direct snap to Anquan Boldin that he threw for an interception.

• HOWEVA ... the Cardinals are going to recover this onside kick, and lo and behold, the Buzzsaw have life.

• Meanwhile, on the adjacent TV, the Bucs pull off an awesome onside kick ... they lined everyone in a tight bunch behind the kicker, forcing the defense to line up in a tight ball directly across from them ... and the kicker just beamed one, low and hard, hoping it would bounce off someone ... and it did. That was awesome.

• Here comes Neil Rackers to attempt a game-winner for the Cardinals ... oh, and he just misses. If only he hadn't wasted that energy fighting Carlos Rogers earlier. The Redskins hold on for the win.

• A couple of games have ended, and a couple of TVs have moved to the Tennessee/Houston game, which I could have sworn was 32-7 Tennessee at the start of the 4th quarter. It has, under a brilliant relief effort from Sage Rosenfels (?), turned into a close game. Somehow, the Titans have 35 points under Kerry Collins.

• Oh, dear Lord ... there's the replay explaining why Sage Rosenfels is in the game. Albert Haynesworth engulfed Matt Schaub. Albert Haynesworth performed a complete Haynesworthar eclipse of Matt Schaub. That was breathtakingly beautiful in its brutality.

• Meanwhile ... the Texans recover an onside kick of their own. My God, this is the greatest day in the history of onside kicks ... if you can't recover an onside kick today, you're a pussy. But ... there's a flag down, and this one's getting called back. Dammit.

• And they do it AGAIN. Unbelievable. What's the point of kicking it deep anymore? One hundred percent of onside kicks have worked today.

• Sage Rosenfels drops back, and looks deep for Andre Davis ... alright, this is fucking incredible. Texans vs. Titans from 2007 could end up having its own two-hour special on ESPN Classic in 2047. Davis lays out to snag the ball between two Titans defenders ... a more beautiful catch, I don't know if I've ever seen. The Texans have taken the lead.

• More amazing than the fact that this game is amazing is the fact that the people involved making it so amazing are Sage Rosenfels, Andre Davis, Kerry Collins and Rob Bironas. What were the odds of those four people teaming up to provide meaningful entertainment for you at any point in your life? It would've been a better bet to say that I'd enjoy an episode of Oprah on which Tom Cruise debates Stephen A. Smith on the merits of wearing a cock ring.

• Davis's heroics, however, have left too much time on the clock for Kerry Collins and Rob Bironas, who evidently has seven field goals already today (I started him in two fantasy leagues yesterday, by the way, and it feels like I cheated) ... fuck it, make it eight. That's a record. Titans win.

• Unfortunately, I can't stick around for the late games today, because there are rude, inconsiderate people in the world who schedule things for Sunday afternoons without any consideration for people as selfish as I am.

• After a very informative Kermit the Frog feature (apparently, 10-year-olds are running the whole damn show now), ESPN's Countdown gives us a glimpse of the Jets throwback uniforms. I don't dislike them ... it's a solid Navy/Gold combination, and I dig the concept of throwbacks ... but the Gastineau-era Jets jerseys would've sufficed, wouldn't they? I wish they didn't have to throw it back to a time you have to be older than Berman to remember.

• Meanwhile, on the FOX pregame show, Jay Glazer's got video footage of Joey Porter (as well as three douchebags dumb enough to be friends of Joey Porter) beating the hell out of Levi Jones at The Palms in Vegas. It's pretty much exactly as Levi Jones described it ... four guys attacked him at a blackjack table, and beat his ass all the way over to a roulette table. It wasn't a fight, it was a gang beating. If anyone needed reason No. 7,592 to hate Joey Porter, there it is ... he's the type of guy who will jump you with three of his friends.

• Inexplicably, the matchup on the main screen here is Ravens vs. Rams ... which is great, because I didn't get quite enough offense-free football last week during the Ravens/49ers game.

• When I saw him at the time, I only thought, "This must be one of the two or three dumbest people alive," but upon further reflection on the gentleman wearing the Joey Porter Dolphins jersey ... that's got to be about the worst jersey purchase of all time. You're showing public support for an asshole who's a shell of his former self, on a team where 0-16 is not out of the question. Were they out of Rae Carruth jerseys?

• Jason Wright gets in the endzone early for the Browns ... and upon getting up to celebrate his accomplishment, he inadvertently mows down the umpire, sending him to the ground in a heap. And now this poor old bastard is being carried out ... nice job, Jason Wright.

• In what might be the second-most interesting game of the day, Redskins corner Carlos Rogers bounces off Packers tight end Donald Lee, allowing Lee to scamper about 60 yards downfield. DeShawn Wynn finishes it off with a 3-yard scoring run, and the Pack lead 7-0.

• Play-by-play guy Sam Rosen on the Rams/Ravens game: "They're going back and forth, punting." Yes, Sam. Yes they are.

• Devin Hester, or, as some people call him, "The Chicago Bears offense," returns a punt 89 yards to the house. I could've sworn I saw a little block in the back there, but ... hey, what do I know ... I'm no Ed Hochuli. But it does seem to me that if you don't ever let Devin Hester touch the ball, your chances of beating the Bears have to increase by at least 40 percent.

• Kellen Winslow Jr. might not be blocking Joey Porter, but someone is ... Ronnie Brown is running all over the Browns, and Porter's invisible. 14-3, Fish.

• By the way, I really miss Crazy Fish Guy. I haven't seen him once all year ... I feel certain that he's dead, his thumbs sliced off before he was murdered and tossed in a river over an NFL gambling debt. But you know, that's the way he'd have wanted to go.

• With 13:18 remaining in the second quarter, the Rams have 18 total yards.

• Oh, but we've got some action ... Gus Frerotte drops back, he rolls to his right, and he has a man wide open behind the coverage ... and he underthrows him by a good 15 yards. Interception, and the guy could've signaled for a fair catch on it. Sigh.

• Brian Westbrook, at 5'10", 203 lbs., lowers his shoulder into Jonathan Vilma, at 6'1", 230 lbs... and Vilma is knocked on his ass.

• Oh, Larry Johnson, you sad fuck, you ... he broke open about a 30-yard-run, was trotting into the endzone, about to score his first rushing TD of the year ... in fact, to get the Chiefs first rushing TD of the year ... and he lets some guy catch him from behind and knock the ball out at the 1. It goes through the endzone for a touchback.

• Johnson's walking off the field with his head hanging and his eyes fixed on the ground ... it's almost painful to watch. It's like watching the uncoordinated dork rightfielder on your little league team, who's struck out in his last 48 at bats, finally close his eyes, take a blind swing, and hit a ball hard ... only to be tagged out at the plate going for the inside-the-park homer. It just hurts your soul to see someone feel like that.

• Uh-oh ... Offense alert. The Rams get a break, and they might have a chance to get on the board here. Kyle Boller fumbles and turns it over deep in his own territory. The Rams take over possession at the Baltimore 11. OF-FENSE! OF-FENSE!

• And on the next three plays, they will lose six yards, and then Jeff Wilkins will shank a field goal. Oh dear.

• I'm picturing Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson, staying late at the Rams practice facility, telling coaches and trainers that they're going to hang out for a while and do some extra work to help rehab their injuries ... and then as soon as everyone leaves, Bulger says, "Listen, I don't want to come back, and I don't think you do, either. Have you seen that offensive line? We are fucked out there. So check this out ... if you re-break my ribs, I'll re-tear your groin ... what do you say? Cool? All right. Lay down, take your pants off, and hand me that lead pipe."

• Update on the Rams offensive progress: With 13:18 to play in the half, they had 18 total yards. And now, with 9:07 to play in the half, they have 17 total yards.

• And Larry Johnson does get in the endzone now ... good for him. He leaps into someone's arms and flashes the "Rocafella" sign. Jay-Z really hadn't been getting his money's worth on that investment.

• Hey, Ted Ginn gets about a 60-yard kick return after another Brownies score ... but that's going to come back on a holding call. Sorry, Ted. You'll have to wait for the first good play of your career.

• Good news for the Rams offense: Drew Bennett has hurt himself and is out for the rest of the game. Just one less receiver for Gus Frerotte to not get the ball close to. I fully expect to see Henry Ellard out here in the 2nd half.

• David Akers, in a game I'm not paying much attention to, has missed consecutive field goals by about a total of 60 yards. One thing I do like about that game, though ... the gold pants that the Jets cheerleaders are wearing today. They look very whorish. I approve.

• TOUCHDOWN, CLEO LEMON. For some reason, I've decided to watch this Browns/Dolphins game pretty closely, and Cleo Lemon is certainly no worse than Trent Green. He's a very hard guy to sack ... he's quick, and he's hard to bring down even if someone gets their paws on him. He's got a live arm, too. Also, every time he drops back, you don't have to worry about someone killing him with a blow to the head, triggering all kinds of wrongful death lawsuits ... really, for the Dolphins, I think that's the best thing about him.

• In two of the last three plays, Kellen Winslow has made catches right in front of Joey Porter ... Porter's made both tackles, but Winslow's gained a total of 48 yards. Porter still probably considers this a personal victory.

• Text message from Danks: "What would the offspring of Dan Dierdorf and Vince Young look like? Because Dierdorf wants it to happen." I think the child would look like a miniature Laveranues Coles with Dierdorf's big bushy mustache. Unless it's a girl, and then, it would have long black hair and a slightly thinner mustache.

• Coming back from halftime Ted Ginn's going to take this kick return 96 yards to the HOUSE, BABY. Except ... yeah, that's holding. This game is like a personal torture chamber for Ted Ginn. And the wait for the first good play of his NFL career continues.

• Not to worry, though ... Cleo Lemon's going to be 6-of-9 passing on that drive, and finish it off with a 5-yard touchdown run. He is making lemonade all over the Browns.

• With 5:56 remaining in the 3rd quarter ... Cincinnati has run two plays in Chiefs territory. I'm happy to report that Larry Johnson's broken the 100-yard barrier, though.

• Man, the Rams are just beating the fuck out of Gus Frerotte. The number of sacks isn't huge, but I don't know if he's had time to set up and throw, even once. I know the Rams are expecting Bulger and Jackson to be healthy after their upcoming bye week, but I just know that sometime around Tuesday, Bulger's going to hand Jackson a pair of brass knuckles, lift up his shirt, close his eyes, bite down on a wooden spoon and say, "All right. Break the rest of them."

• I don't know what his numbers are, but it seems like every time I look up at the Bears/Vikings game, Adrian Peterson is leaving six or seven Bears in the dust.

• Sign in Green Bay: "FAVRE OUTPUTS XCITEMENT." You want to be on television way too badly, asshole.

• Chad Johnson and Marvin Lewis are having some sort of a discussion on the sidelines ... actually, it looks more like Marvin Lewis is trying to talk to Chad Johnson, but Johnson doesn't want to hear it, and he just keeps walking. The Bengals are in such a state of chaos right now ... Marvin Lewis needs to start practice Tuesday by beating Chad Johnson to within an inch of his life, just to send a message to everyone else. I'm not kidding. The Bengals would get better if that happened.

• The Ravens defensive orgy continues ... they intercept Frerotte again, and that makes six takeaways.

• The Redskins have a big 4th and 2 here, with 6:48 remaining, down a field goal ... it's a short pass to Ladell Betts, and he's just stonewalled. What is it with the Redskins going to Ladell Betts on these clutch plays? It seems like his success rate is pretty low.

• And finally, with 1:00 left to play, Gus Frerotte has been knocked out of the game. What took so long, I have no idea ... but I am positive that Gus Frerotte is a tough son of a bitch. Scott Linehan considers for a minute putting Marc Bulger in, but opts against it, since he doesn't want Bulger dead. Instead, he abandons the entire idea of trying to move the ball, puts WR Marques Hagans under center, and just has him kneel on it twice.

• That may be the saddest ending to a game I've ever seen. Teams don't usually take a knee at the end of the game when they're losing ... clearly, that wasn't the original plan, as Frerotte, on first down, dropped back and made a throw downfield. But he couldn't continue ... and at that point, Linehan said to himself, "Fuck this, it's not worth it, I don't want to play anymore ... let's just kneel on it."

• The Redskins are going to get one last chance at it, with 1:13 to play, 1st and 10 at their own 20, down by 3. Campbell takes a sack on second down, and that's not going to help matters ... on the same play, an offensive lineman was hurt, the Redskins have no more offensive linemen, and a defensive lineman will be taking his place. At this point, I'm betting against the comeback.

• Adrian Peterson, because no one else is going to do it, takes it upon himself to win the Vikings/Bears game ... I guess the Bears figured if the Vikings were dumb enough to kick it to Devin Hester, they should exchange the courtesy and kick it to Adrian Peterson. With 1:38 left, Hester just having caught an 81-yard TD pass, Peterson takes the kickoff and runs it back to the Chicago 38.

• Three plays later, the Ryan Longwell field goal is up ... and it is good. Vikings win.

• And now we have about a 10-minute period of inexcusable sports bar behavior ... there are essentially three rooms to the place, and one guy in charge of all the televisions, but still ... there's no excuse for the clock to read 4:24 before the TV guy manages to get the Cowboys/Patriots game on. This is a sports bar. Televising these games is your sole purpose. Either get it together, or give me the remote.

• LaDainian Tomlinson has 40 yards on the Chargers opening drive, and he ends up capping it with a four-yard touchdown run leap. Rivers handed it to him, I waited for him to make a cut to put his head down or something ... and he just said fuck it and took off from the 4. TD Chargers, in their snazzy new powder blue alternate jerseys.

• Meanwhile, the Cowboys have opted to leave Randy Moss wide open in the back of the endzone, which is an interesting strategy. 7-0 Patriots.

• YEEE-OUCH ... Julius Peppers hammers Kurt Warner, and as they both try to recover the ensuing fumble (Peppers has a slight physical advantage there), Warner's forearm gets twisted in a way that forearms shouldn't be twisted.

• Here, you can try it at home ... go lay on the ground, on your stomach, arms flat in front of you. Now, look at your forearm, and make the side of it facing the ceiling touch the floor, but do it without twisting your elbow or moving the rest of your arm ... and do it with the force of Julius Peppers landing on you. That's what Kurt Warner just felt.

• So here comes Tim Rattay, the guy the Cardinals signed because Vinny Testaverde wouldn't sign with them. From a big picture perspective, this is a rather shocking set of circumstances. We've got two quarterbacks squaring off, neither of whom was employed on Monday ... there's a 13-year age difference between the two, and the younger guy is 30. This has to be an NFL first on a couple of levels.

• LaDainian Tomlinson goes in again, making it 14-0 Chargers ... he's currently got 8 carries for 69 yards and 2 TDs. Norv must've let Marty Schottenheimer run practices this week.

• Maybe the Chargers did secretly hire Marty back ... it's the only explanation for this sudden resurgence. They close all practices to the public, and Marty coaches the team throughout the week. They trot Norv out on Sunday, and don't tell him anything about what's going on, slap a headset on him, and no one can tell the difference, Norv included. All the while, they've got Marty upstairs in a booth with tinted windows, and he's making all the calls ... and if the Chargers happen to make the playoffs, then they let Norv coach for real, because fuck it, why not?

• That's just my theory. It's probably wrong. But it's not crazy.

• Terrell Owens gets in the statbook with an early drop ... he still leads the league, I believe.

• The Raiders are facing a 4th and 42. For some reason, the pussies aren't going for it. They punt, and the punt almost gets to the first down markers. Well done, Shane Lechler.

• Sitting in Patriots owner Robert Kraft's box: Kate Hudson. No word on whether Kate has reciprocated and given Kraft access to her box. If she has, I fully expect Jay Glazer to get video of it.

• I could be wrong, but I think I just saw a stat that said Vinny Testaverde was 8-for-8. This should embarrass about 30 percent of the league's starting quarterbacks.

• Marion Barber might be one of the top five most fun players to watch in the NFL. Who else is on that list ... there's Tomlinson, Favre, Hester, Steve Smith, Randy Moss, Adrian Peterson's getting close, maybe a couple of others ... but Barber's making my list of five. He runs the ball like if he gets tackled, someone rapes his mother with a branding iron. On strength and sheer power of will, he leads all NFL running backs.

• Edgerrin James breaks a touchdown run for the Cardinals, as the Panthers try out a new tackling technique called "Gently Rub Your Chest Against Edgerrin James And Hope It Makes Him Uncomfortable Enough to Fall Down." It's mostly ineffective.

• Ugh ... Philip Rivers throws maybe the worst pass in NFL history, back across his body, five yards behind a receiver, into the arms of a Raider streaking to the endzone. It's 14-7, and it's a travesty that this game is that close.

• FOX gives us a close-up of some Panthers defensive player ... and I believe he has over 40 teeth. I have no idea who it is, but if he uses the Crest Whitestrips, he spends upwards of $7,000 per month.

• Terrell Owens gets in the endzone just before the half, making it 21-17 ... so there's some hope that it'll be a competitive game at the end, but I'm not holding my breath.

• Highlight from an earlier game: Maurice Jones-Drew, after scoring on the Texans, did the Daniel LaRussa crane kick pose. If do right, no can defense.

• Hey, Drew Carey debuts tomorrow on The Price Is Right. Awesome. I'm wondering about something, though ... I'm convinced that Bob Barker received his share of filthy sexual favors from the Showcase Showdown models, right? If Drew Carey partakes of the same kind of behavior ... do the models consider this an upgrade or a downgrade?

• Patrick Crayton catches a touchdown pass for the Cowboys, despite Rodney Harrison having a fist full of his jersey. And Rodney Harrison, despite having a fist full of Patrick Crayton's jersey, is bitching to the officials. He has absolutely no shame.

• Oh, Darnell Dockett, you dirty son of a bitch. The Cardinals defensive lineman just slammed Vinny Testaverde to the ground late ... I don't think he was flagged for it, but it was totally unnecessary, not to mention mean and disrespectful of his elders. It's amazing how I spent Vinny's entire career not really giving a damn about him, and suddenly, I'm personally offended when anyone tries to tackle him. I guess if anyone gets old enough, they become likable. Except Chris Berman.

• Marion Barber appears to be screwed ... he's in his own endzone, running backwards, multiple Patriots chasing him ... 90 percent of the running backs in the league are taking a safety right there, but Barber is a fucking beast. He's shoving guys off as soon as anyone gets close to him ... at least four guys weren't strong enough to tackle him right there. He actually gets out close to the 10 yard line. Unreal.

• Vinny drops back, wants Steve Smith down the sideline ... and Cardinals corner Roderick Hood just stops and decides he doesn't like running anymore. I think I just witnessed a man retire in the middle of a play. He was stride-for-stride with Smith ... and just stopped. No idea why ... but it gets my man Vinny on the board, and I couldn't be happier about it.

• Vinny's now 20-of-33 on the day, with no interceptions and 1 TD ... against a defense that's been pretty damn good at times this year.

• Meanwhile, Tom Brady, who's also pretty decent, finds Donte Stallworth deep over the middle ... Stallworth sheds a tackler, and that's going to make it 38-24. They've hung around for a while, but I do believe that effectively kills the Dallas Cowboys.

• And if that didn't, that Tony Romo interception to Junior Seau does. Kyle Eckel polishes things off with a 3-yard touchdown run ... and the Patriots assert their status as the supreme football beings on the Planet Earth.

• Starting your NFL Sunday by seeing a 10-year-old reading ESPN-written material poking fun at your favorite team ... that's a special kind of pain.

• I'll refrain from saying anything bad about the 10-year-old ... there's got to be boundaries somewhere, and you know, he's not so bad. Maybe ESPN saw him and thought he combined the best elements from FOX's pregame show ... Terry Bradshaw's 4th-grade reading level and Jillian Barberie's lack of public hair.

• There seems to be some waitress confusion today. There are alternating waitresses stopping by the table; a very sweet blonde girl and a brunette with an ass off of which you could play quarter bounce. I am not unhappy.

• The farther and farther away we get from the Patriots cheating scandal ... the more it looks like they're cheating. I know it's just the Browns, but this opening drive from Tom Brady is just surgical. Eazy Eric Wright is trying to cover Randy Moss ... and he's just fucked. There's no hope. I think we're going to see some double-teams.

• LenDale White loses control of the ball for the Titans, and dickhead Falcons corner DeAngelo Hall picks it up and takes it to the house. Given the Michael Vick situation and the fact that Joey Harrington's their quarterback, I feel pretty sympathetic towards the Falcons ... except for DeAngelo Hall. It makes me feel sad to see him happy.

• I finally hopped on the bandwagon and started Derek Anderson in my fantasy league today ... that's what happens when you draft Phil Rivers. Anyway, my opponent started Joe Jurevicius, so now that the Browns are on the goal line (with a chance to take a 7-3 lead), I'm begging for Anderson to throw the ball in the endzone to a black man. And he's happy to oblige me ... though I forgot to specify that I wanted that black man to play for the Browns. He hits Asante Samuel in the hands, it bounces off, and there's an interception for Junior Seau.

• The Fish run a reverse to Ted Ginn Jr. ... not much happening, he reverses field, gets a crushing block from Ronnie Brown, and then OH DEAR LORD ... Today, the Smorgasbord is profoundly sorry to mourn the loss of Trent Green. I honestly think there's a chance he might be dead. Texans DT Travis Johnson just rammed his knee into Trent Green's earhole and killed him.

• I think my favorite part of that was when Johnson got up and started talking shit on a motionless Trent Green. I understand, you're upset that the guy took a dive at your knees, but still ... he's Trent Green, he's 58 years old, he's one concussion away from being Terry Schiavo, and he's laying on the ground and not moving. You might wanna ease it back a notch.

• Someone said they just saw Trent Green moving ... which is good, I guess. Hell, he barely moves when he's up and under center. But here comes the stretcher, the prayer circle, and the countless replays of the hit against the Bengals last year that made his head bounce like a rubber ball. Given his history, and the size of the man whose knee just rattled his dome, it's not crazy to think this is the last we'll see of Trent Green.

• And it's Cleo Lemon time! Hooray!

• CBS has captured extremely rare footage of Randy Moss blocking. I don't think the Discovery Channel's Planet Earth camera teams ever captured anything that rare.

• Hey, Bobby Beamer's guest starring in a special upcoming episode of Bones on FOX. Hopefully, we'll get to hear the rest of that poem.

• Good news, Dolphins fans ... Cleo Lemon doesn't appear to suck any worse than Trent Green. Also, you don't have to start worrying about what you're going to wear to his funeral every time someone touches his head.

• David Carr, after switching to black gloves last week, is back to the white gloves this week. Dan Marino was right; those look really really gay. I suppose if you're Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, you can get away with that, but if you're David Carr ... you just look like a physically overqualified member of the marching band.

• The Lions have a guy with the last name "Beckham." Somewhat ironically, the first time I ever see him, he's leaving the game with an injury.

• There are a lot of pink ribbons around the league today. I see some coaches wearing pink ribbons on the sidelines, and there's a big pink ribbon banner in Giant Stadium. It's nice to see the league supporting breast cancer research and everything, but given the gender makeup of the league ... where's the love for testicular cancer research? I don't think there are any ribbon colors left available for ball cancer, so I think any color ribbon should be fine, as long as it's dripping with white goo.

• There's a wrestling pay-per-view being advertised for tonight, and the main event is apparently a "Punjabi Prison Match." I have no idea what that is, but I hope it doesn't have to end with forced sodomy. Sometimes, I wish the NFL could put different variations on games ... so if a particular game looks like it'll be boring (Baltimore @ San Francisco this afternoon strikes me as a good example), they could put a giant steel cage around the ring, or make it so you had to climb a ladder to score a touchdown. I think they were planning on doing this today, but having Ray Lewis in a Punjabi Prison Match just takes home field advantage right away from the 49ers and gives it to Ray Lewis. That's not fair.

• The Steelers, after taking a 7-0 lead into the half (probably because of the refs) open up the third quarter with a 10-minute, 17-second touchdown drive. That looked pretty demoralizing.

• Rodney Harrison, in his first game back from being suspended for receiving HGH, is penalized when he lines up across from Kellen Winslow and decides to defend him by grabbing Winslow's facemask and pulling it in various directions. It had to be difficult for Rodney to sit at home for four weeks and not be able to cheap shot anyone. Every now and then, he'd probably get up off the couch and trip his wife or hit one of his kids in the balls just so he could feel like his old self again.

• Jon Kitna falls down in his own endzone ... and now seems like a good time to point out that what the Redskins defense has done today has been pretty impressive. They'd end up holding the Lions to 144 total yards, when their previous low had been 310. That's pretty good.

• The next time the Steelers get the ball, they unleash an eight minute, six second drive, this one ending with a Najeh Davenport touchdown. Long drives, power running, wearing a defense down ... Mike Tomlin is more Bill Cowher than Bill Cowher was. This is turning into an ass-beating.

• The Seahawks are getting fucked by the officials, though. If they weren't, it would be 42-0 Seattle.

• Andre Dyson ... you are little more than a chew toy belonging to Plaxico Burress. In maybe the single-most embarrassing play of the afternoon, Plax catches a ball along the sidelines, Dyson has him lined up, hemmed against the sidelines ... and Plax just turns and shoves him by his face down to the turf. House. 28-24 Giants ... that turned the game.

• Byron Leftwich is in the game for the Falcons ... I have no idea if that's because Joey Harrington is hurt, or if Joey Harrington was ineffective. Wait ... FOX has this stat: the Falcons are 3-of-15 on third down ... that might have something to do with it.

• The Steelers/Seahawks game ends early (so the refs could go collect their paychecks from Dan Rooney!), so good news ... we get to see the last 3:00 minutes of the Panthers vs. Saints game. This should be exciting football.

• David Carr drops back ... and it's as if he knows his game just went to a national audience, the pressure kicked in, and he threw an interception. Amazing. Of course, the because the Saints are terrible, they can't advance the ball past where it was returned, and they settle for a 54-yard field goal attempt, and of course, miss.

• Derek Anderson throws to Kellen Winslow ... and it's a touchdown for the Browns, pulling them to within 10 of the Patriots. I think this game, even more than beating the Bengals or the Ravens, is concrete proof that the Browns don't totally suck. It's going to be late in the 4th quarter, they're down just 10 to the Patriots ... I don't think any other Patriot opponent has been able to say that.

• Texans kicker Kris Brown hits his third 50+-yard field goal of the day (he's only the third guy to ever do that) for the Texans, and shockingly, Cleo Lemon is not able to bring home the victory for Miami.

• The Falcons are able to block a Titans punt, or at least get close enough to convince the punter that any effort to actually punt would be futile ... so they're going to have the ball at the 17-yard line, down 7, with a chance to tie it up.

• With this chance, Byron Leftwich throws two consecutive passes that sail a good 10 feet over the heads of anyone who happened to be in the endzone. It's like an NBA team brought someone off the bench in the closing seconds to hit a three ... and that guy closed his eyes and heaved the ball over the entire fucking backboard. It really didn't look like Leftwich was throwing the ball away ... he set his feet, picked a target, and threw it ... and might have hit someone who was standing about 20 yards behind that target. People in the stands wearing Falcons jerseys are not eligible receivers, Byron.

• Carolina hits a last-second field goal, proving that they are slightly less shitty than the Saints. I wonder if losing at home to a David Carr-led team could be considered rock-bottom. I certainly hope so.

• On 4th down, Leftwich's final effort bounces off a Titan for an incompletion ... a never-(really, never, ever, ever)-say-die Falcons fan behind me screams, "GET LEFTWICH THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!" Since there's one minute left in the game, the Falcons are out of timeouts, and the Titans just took possession ... I think Bobby Petrino will be happy to oblige.

• The Browns are attempting to put together a late, garbage-time drive, just working on their 2-minute drill ... Derek Anderson takes a snap and spikes it to stop the clock, and some asshole Patriot makes a bee-line to the football (as if it wasn't an incompletion, as if the officials weren't running in towards the play, waving their hands and blowing their whistles, and as if this new "spike" play was something new and confusing), knocks Anderson down, and nearly incites a riot.

• The 49ers/Ravens game is underway, and the 49ers are punting (Trent Dilfer's not off to a hot start, I guess) ... Punter Andy Lee gets off a beautiful, high punt, and Shawntae Spencer is down at the goal line waiting for it, on his knees, fielding it like a ground ball. Ravens take over at the 1 ... that may be the best play of this entire game.

• The Chargers are putting together a nice-looking opening drive ... they've got the right plays called, they're making use of Tomlinson, taking advantage of Denver's blitzes ... it looks rather sharp. Phil Rivers must be pulling a VooDoo Tatum and calling his own plays out there (I doubt Norv would notice). He caps off the drive with a 2-yard touchdown run.

• The Chargers kickoff, and the Broncos cough it up on the return ... it pops into the warm and loving hands of Chargers special teamer Brandon Siler, who takes it to paydirt. YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, ESPN 10-YEAR-OLD? WHO GETS A D-MINUS NOW? WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY C ... whoa. You know, I probably shouldn't do that. Sorry, ESPN 10-year-old. Stay in school. Don't do drugs.

• San Francisco punter Andy Lee is on again ... and holy fuck, this one goes for 74 yards and is downed at the 2. That is beautiful punting. Andy Lee is a one-man show ... I'm so glad this wasn't a Punjabi Prison Match.

• Sign at the Bucs @ Colts game: "ONE GAME AT A TIME." That's awesome, Colts fan ... your team is so brain-erodingly boring that you're making signs that spout meaningless clichés. Other signs seen in the RCA Dome: "IT'S A TOTAL TEAM EFFORT," "TAKE WHAT THE DEFENSE GIVES YOU," and "I'M REALLY PROUD OF THE WAY WE HUNG IN THERE."

• Jeffy Garcia has the Bucs on the board, pulling to within 13-7 ... I kind of had a feeling that this game wouldn't be a blowout, given the Colts injuries, the Bucs rejuvenated defense, and the way Jeffy's been playing.

• Speaking of the Bucs, if George Clooney plays a convincing Michael Clayton in this new biopic, and he does it without blackface ... I think he deserves an Academy Award.

• I wonder why there are only three afternoon games this week ... it seemed like the league had sort of changed policy over the first few weeks and had five or six games going at once in the afternoon. I liked it better that way. Especially when one of the games is Baltimore @ San Francisco, which really shouldn't even count.

• And speaking of that "Offense Optional" game, the Ravens hit a field goal with 2:44 left in the first half to take a nearly-insurmountable 3-0 lead.

• The Chargers lead 17-3 with about a minute to go in the half, and they're deep in their own territory ... it looks like Norv would've been perfectly content to just run out the clock, but they kept handing it off to LaDainian Tomlinson (11 yards) and Michael Turner (49 yards), and the Chargers are going to get a field goal out of it. 20-3 at the half.

• Good news during the halftime report of the late games (unless you want the Dolphins to win at some point this year): Trent Green was said to be alert and talking as he was being wheeled off the field. He's expected back.

• Also, Matt Leinart has a fractured collarbone, and according to early reports, will be out at least six weeks. Call it karma, call it God, call it whatever you'd like ... but the selfish douche who wants the team to "ride or die" with him, even if that means losing, is out for an extended period of time ... and the friendly, willing-to-share, holy roller just became the unquestioned starter at quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals. If I was Matt Leinart, I'd call Stephon Marbury and get some advice on finding God.

• Trent Dilfer at the half: 2-of-6, 8 yards. The 49ers, at the half: 26 plays, 56 yards. Punter Andy Lee is the 49ers best player, and everyone else is tied for last.

• Coming out to start the third quarter, I get this stat from CBS, trying to break my will: The Chargers, thus far this year, are +27 in the first half, and -24 in the second half.

• Also, the Red Sox have taken a 9-0 lead in the top of the 8th, and I'm thinking that lead is safe. So that's going to make 3 postseason sweeps on the books already ... this makes me feel pretty confident that the Yankees are going to win this evening, even if Bud Selig himself has to umpire home plate.

• Whoa ... Trent Dilfer completed a pass downfield.

• Holy fuck, he did it again ... and this one was even completed in the endzone. Amazing. I might've bet my right foot that Trent Dilfer wasn't going to be throwing any touchdown passes today. Dilfer celebrates like ... well, like a man who hasn't had a whole lot to celebrate in a while. I guess it's hard not to be happy for him.

• Philip Rivers goes to Vincent Jackson in the endzone ... and my goodness, that's going to make it 34-3. I feel more relief than joy, really. I don't know what's made the difference ... Phil Rivers hasn't sucked today (especially in the second half), the offensive line's been much better ... maybe it's the pink ribbon on Norv's chest that's making the difference. Some guys just look more comfortable in pink. I'm all for wrapping Norv in head-to-toe in pink ribbon next week.

• Gus Johnson's calling the Ravens/49ers game ... not even Gus can do a whole lot to help this one. I think I just heard him snoring.

• 49ers punter Andy Lee is on again ... and this one's boomed for 64 yards. This guy's in the zone ... I don't know if I've ever seen a punter take over a game before.

• The Broncos, looking to add a garbage time TD, are in Chargers territory, and it's raining like hell ... Jay Cutler drops back and throws over the middle, and his receiver falls down. Cutler's screaming at the guy as he comes back to the huddle ... because he fell down trying to make a cut in freshly-drenched grass. That's a dick move, Jay Cutler ... the guy fell down. It's wet. It happens. And it might be different if you hadn't been asshole-awful yourself today, Jay. Any receivers jump your shit after you underthrew Brandon Marshall by about 10 yards a few minutes ago, handing San Diego an easy interception?

• Two plays later, Denver goes for it on a 4th and 3. Cutler runs off-tackle left, and comes up way short. Good. Dickface.

• San Diego responds by handing the ball to Michael Turner, who runs 78 yards nearly untouched through a Broncos defense that didn't seem particularly interested in tackling anyone. 41-3.

• About that Bucs/Colts game not being a blowout ... nevermind.

• I've really got to hand it to Gus Johnson ... Steve McNair throws the ball deep, and he still turns on the "I am Gus Johnson, and THIS IS EXCITING" voice while the ball's still in the air, as if there was any chance that it would be completed. That's a professional.

• Ray Lewis lays a hit on 49ers fullback Moran Norris ... and Norris shrugs him off, keeps his feet, and keeps picking up yardage. I probably wouldn't mention this if it weren't Ray Lewis.

• According to FOX's Jay Glazer, there's a chance that Matt Leinart could be out for the year. That's no good.

• The end of this Ravens/Niners game has turned into a timeout-fest ... which is good, because if any game should be dragged out, it's this one. You know what's better than shit? More shit. The Ravens pick up one last first down, the 49ers have no timeouts left, and can just kneel on it now ... but not before calling another fucking timeout ... we're not confident that Steve McNair can execute the kneel-down without going over it first? Fuck you, Brian Billick.

• On the CBS pregame, Dan Marino is hammering David Carr for wearing white gloves when he came on in relief of Jake Delhomme ... these fucking Isotoner endorsers think they know everything about gloves, but let me ask you this, Marino ... if David Carr didn't wear white gloves, to whom would Big Tom Callahan sell ketchup popsicles?

• So the Rams are taking the field today with a quarterback with broken ribs and a white starting running back. I don't think the Elias sporting bureau has official stats on such things, but I'm willing to bet that the all-time record of teams with white running backs and QBs with broken ribs is well below .500.

• Derek Anderson ... what the hell. Is it possible that he's actually become a good quarterback, overnight? He was so bad in Week 1 ... and in every week he played last year, for that matter. Since then, though, he's Johnny Unitas ... he opens up against Baltimore today with a TD drive in which he went 4-of-5 and finished it with a TD pass to Joe Jurevicius.

• The start of the Raiders/Dolphins game has been postponed due to weather ... this is the second time in four weeks that that this has happened to the Raiders. I'm telling you, they're doing something to upset God. Within a couple of weeks, some kind of disturbing news is going to break about the Raiders ... like Al Davis is hiding Bin Laden under McAfee Coliseum or something.

• Speaking of which ... Raiders vs. Dolphins in a lightning storm ... that's gotta be a hot ticket. I heard that lower level seats were selling on StubHub for upwards for 45 cents.

• In bonus baseball coverage, the Marlins have hung seven runs on Tom Glavine in the top of the 1st inning ... fortunately, the Mets have a great bullpen, so they should be able to get out of this.

• Derek Anderson goes deep to a wide open Braylon Edwards ... and it's already 14-0 Browns. This Ravens defense was exploited last week, and is on the way to being exploited again this week. It's possible that the Steelers main competition in the AFC North will come from Cleveland.

• And Brett Favre is your all-time TD leader, connecting with Greg Jennings (subbing in for his brother Brandon this week) in the 1st quarter. In celebration, Favre picks Jennings up over his shoulders. If Favre ever tries this on one of those tackle-eligible TD passes, he's going to end his career.

• I don't know that I had ever seen this before ... Bills defensive end Chris Kelsey is being blocked, but reaches out and sacks Chad Pennington by swatting him in the face.

• While we're on the subject of Bills, Lee Evans, with new QB Trent Edwards in the game, has, in the first quarter, already put up his biggest game of the year, with 4 catches for 48 yards. I'm starting to think that all that stuff about him having great chemistry with JP Losman was a load of bullshit.

• Daunte Culpepper tosses a short touchdown pass for the Raiders and breaks out his familiar arm-rolling celebration thing ... I don't know if quarterbacks who are subbing in for Josh McCown should get their own celebrations.

• Brian Griese has thrown consecutive completions. He's not going to threaten a perfect quarterback rating today or anything, but ... it's a little striking to see Bears offensive linemen giving congratulatory hugs and pats to their quarterback between plays. It just looks weird.

• Against the Cowboys, Marc Bulger is off to a 5-for-13 start ... apparently, a quarterback needs ribs. I guess an offensive line would help, too ... of course, if Bulger had one of those, he'd probably also have his ribs.

• It's now 24-3 Cleveland ... they're throwing an ass-beating on the Ravens. It doesn't hit me exactly how rare or unexpected a Browns romp is until they show the scoreboard, reading 24-3 ... and then they show Romeo Crennel on the sidelines, who constantly projects an image that's the exact opposite of "We're beating someone's ass." It was like seeing Bears linemen who don't hate their quarterback ... it took a minute to make sense of it.

• And Brian Griese is on the board with a 15-yard touchdown pass to Mushin Muhammad. Grossman can go ahead and get comfortable on the bench with a Grisham novel, while Chicago wide receivers are going to have to get reacquainted to the idea of running routes with their eyes open, because there's now a chance that the ball will get near them.

• The Cowboys center snaps the ball way over Tony Romo's head ... Romo goes back about 30 yards for it, and then turns around and runs about 35 yards for a first down ... somewhere, grandma Romo and her barn stud are very, very, proud.

• 7-7 in the second quarter, Miami hands off to Ronnie Brown in the red zone, and he runs right through a motherfucker for the Dolphins touchdown. Head-on collision, Brown vs. some defensive back ... and Brown just obliterated him.

• Early in the 3rd quarter, the Packers run a fake punt, and Jon Ryan's got some moves. Brian Leonard, you might not even be the best white runner in the NFL today. Jon Ryan might be the best runner on the Packers roster ... I'm not entirely kidding.

• My buddy Adam, a newcomer to our gang here at the sports bar ... asks the waitress for "punch." The Greek yells at him that he's "not a seven-year-old's birthday party."

• Brian Urlacher is shown on the bench roaring in approval at Brian Griese running for like a 5-yard gain. Hmm. It's as if the Bears aren't used to their quarterback making plays.

• Speaking of which ... the Rams have not scored a touchdown in their last 28 drives. With Torry Holt, Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson ... how the fuck does that happen? Doesn't anyone there remember anything Mike Martz told them?

• Griese's picked off just before the half, in the endzone ... that was fun while it lasted.

• Bills quarterback Trent Edwards throws a touchdown pass ... and then, demonstrating his inexperience with the concept, starts jumping around like a drunken aardvark. Still, I prefer that to Daunte Culpepper "getting his roll on."

• Griese, picked off again in the red zone ... this one's not his fault, though, it went off the hands and the chest of Bernard Berrian. So, the total at the moment ... 1 nice TD, 1 crucial INT just before the half, and 1 INT that should have been caught by Bernard Berrian. Still, the Bears lead 13-3 heading into the 4th quarter.

• Derrick Mason is making a short catch every time I look up at the Ravens/Browns game ... and since he's getting his name called a lot, so is Browns corner, Eric Wright. Every time his name is called, I pour some out for Eazy E ... I'm making a mess over here.

• Oh, that's not good ... Brian Griese just Grossman'd that one to Lions DB Keith Smith, and that's going to the house. And the lead is blown ... 17-13 Lions.

• Of course, it helps when you have Devin Hester to erase such mistakes ... he takes the ensuing kickoff to the house.

• The Bills intercept Chad Pennington, and that's a wrap on that game ... man, the Bills and Jets fans here are taking this game really seriously. It's cute when teams' fans pretend that they matter.

• Daunte Culpepper is 5-of-12, with 2 TDs, and a couple of rushing TDs in there, too ... I'd like to ask that he temper his enthusiasm, as he's still 5-of-12, and it's only the Dolphins that he's beating ... but what the hell, he's got a lot of pent-up aggression towards the Dolphins, let's let the man have his fun. And this is also going to go down in history as the greatest ever 5-of-12 fantasy football day.

• It's probably not going to matter, because they were down 14 with 2:00 left ... but Vikings wide receiver Sidney Rice just made an amazing catch in the endzone, leaping over a couple of Packers defenders.

• Check that ... it might matter after all. Brett Favre and Ryan Grant fuck up the handoff, and give the ball right back to the Vikings ... now down 7, near midfield, and more than a minute to play.

• Nevermind, though, the Vikings suck ... they're quickly intercepted, which is nice, since now we don't have to listen to Brett Favre talk about how he doesn't care about the record, he's just sad because the Packers lost, because that's the kind of wonderful guy that Favre is.

• And speaking of wonderful people ... fuck you, Joey Porter. Guaranteeing a win against the Raiders, and then getting pushed around all day by Justin Fargas and five oafs in front of him ... it just couldn't happen to a better guy. Please feel free to shut the fuck up for the rest of your career now.

• In fact, there should be consequences for something like that. If you guarantee a win, and then don't back it up, particularly against the Raiders ... the NFL should step in and do something. Mandatory retirement seems appropriate ... perhaps he could be fined his entire yearly salary. Or maybe Roger Goodell could just implement some kind of new punishment, where players aren't allowed to speak for weeks at a time ... I'd like that.

• Steelers/Cardinals is underway ... and for the second week in a row, I get to see Ben Roethlisberger attempt to block someone. It's just sick-looking ... he ends up laying face down on the grass, the defender untouched ... I really wish I didn't have to see that. It feels like I just walked in on Betty White taking a shit.

• The Bears, and I had turned away from this game, are trying to come back against the Lions in a game that's somehow turned into a shootout ... they go for the onside kick, and uh-oh ... Robbie Gould has caught that "everything I touch turns into six points for the other team" disease that's infected Rex Grossman and Brian Griese.

• Good signs for the Chargers ... LaDainian Tomlinson has 9 carries for 44 yards and a touchdown already in the first quarter. I might have to take back the bounty I had placed on the head of Norv Turner.

• I hadn't been watching this game either, but Joey Harrington has beaten Matt Schaub and the Houston Texans ... how about Joey Harrington, coming to life and showing a little nutsac? Last week was his "Fuck off, Byron Leftwich" performance, and this week was his, "Fuck off, Matt Schaub, and everyone who says we shouldn't have traded you" performance. Next on Joey Harrington's "Fuck Off" list: Vince Young.

• Wow ... two stats that are not good for the Bears: the Lions scored 34 4th quarter points, an NFL record ... and Brian Griese threw the ball 52 times. Neither of those things is conducive to winning.

• Ooomph. Rocky Bernard, who is a large fellow, just broke through the 49ers line, Alex Smith hunched down, and Bernard jumped squarely on his back ... Smith quickly collapses under Bernard's weight, and has just been pronounced dead. On comes Trent Dilfer, which is nice, since I could use another easy target, since Derek Anderson appears to actually be good.

• It's 14-0 Tampa Bay in the first quarter ... and Ike Hilliard, who I didn't even know was still in the league, has 7 catches for 114 yards already.

• Dan Marino will be happy to know that David Carr has switched to black gloves this week ... in fact, they're jet black and kind of shiny. They may be patent leather. I think it's an odd choice for a quarterback, but it wouldn't surprise me if both David Carr and Dan Marino had huge patent leather wardrobes.

• Every time I look at that game, Julian Peterson, former 49er, and current Seahawk, is pulling himself out of Trent Dilfer.

• However, in not-so-pleasant news for the Tampa Bay Bucs ... Cadillac Williams knee just crinkled up like a bendy straw. I'm no doctor, but human knees don't do that ... there's some shit torn up in there.

• Santonio Holmes just scored because he can run faster than any of the people assigned to stop him from scoring ... Large Benjamin just heaved one up, Santonio ran under it, and got there before anyone else ... 42-yard TD and a 7-0 lead for the Steelers.

• Kurt Warner's finally entered the game for the Cardinals ... and he's putting a drive together, and the Cardinals are about this thing. Warner finishes it off with a short pass to a fellow named Urban, who sort of catches it, and sort of doesn't ... On the 40-yard-line, I tend to think that one's ruled an incompletion. The only reason he gets away with it here is that a "football move" is not required once you're in the endzone.

• Tony Gonzalez hauls in the best pass that Damon Huard's thrown all year ... and the Chargers, clearly the superior team in the 1st half, cannot put away the Chiefs. There is a losing mentality on that team right now .... I wonder how that could ever happen when the Chargers get to look at this motherfucker every day. They might as well hang motivational posters all over the training room that say, "Yeah, we're fucked."

• Steve Breaston is finally going to take one of these ridiculous, booming Daniel Sepulveda punts to the house ... and the Cardinals lead the Steelers 14-7 in the fourth quarter. This is rather amazing.

• The Juice makes not of someone in the Seattle/San Francisco game who made a catch, and attempted to drag his feet ... despite being yards and yards away from being in bounds. "Over by the fucking ambulance" is how The Juice describes his position.

• Shawne Merriman gets a sack of Damon Huard ... and busts out the "Lights Out" dance. I had a feeling that was going to happen this week ... desperate times call for desperate measures. However, if we're going to, in an effort, to bring back things that helped up last year to get us out of this predicament this year, could we start with ... I dunno, Marty Schottenheimer?

• 3rd and 19 for the Chiefs, I figure the Chargers are looking good ... nope. Dwayne Bowe runs a little slant, Huard hits him, the safety took a ridiculous angle, and Bowe is off to the house for a touchdown. Huard would later admit that it was the exact same play the Packers beat the Chargers with last week. I'm no NFL coach, but if it was me ... I might have tried to figure out how the Packers exploited us last week, and tried to stop it from happening this week. But that's just me, I'm stupid like that.

• Ugh. And Philip Rivers fumbles ... the Chiefs pick it up and house it, and it's now 23-16 Chiefs. I know there are a dozen people I could blame this on, including Rivers and the offensive line, but ... My God, do I hate Norv Turner.

• Edgerrin James gets in for the Cards ... and it's now a 21-7 Cardinals lead over the Steelers. Every since giving up that first TD to Santonio Holmes, it's been an efficient, physical, great defensive game by the Cardinals. Color me impressed.

• While we're back on the subject of Santonio ... Dan Dierdorf just called him "San Antonio" Holmes. Somewhere at home, Santonio's mom is watching and thinking to herself, "HA! I finally got someone. Now go do your homework, Langeles and Nork."

• Vincent Jackson has a touchdown pass in his arms, in his hands ... and just elects to let it fall to the floor. Again, I blame Norv. It's my honest instinct that Norv Turner has taught Vincent Jackson to, in a situation like that, let the football hit the ground so that the other builds up a confident, lucky feeling... and THEN, boom, we can strike.

• The Steelers get a late garbage TD, and that game ends ... and Kansas City vs. San Diego has gone final, too. I just sit there, collecting my thoughts for a second, apparently looking miserable ... and this Eagles fan, a guy I see here regularly, walks in to watch the night game ... and he looks at me and says, "Chargers lost?" I nod. He responds, "Man, what the fuck?!"

• Norv. That's what the fuck.

• I'm running a little late today ... I usually like to get here about an hour before kickoff, but I don't make it today until about 12:30. The place is full ... no tables available. So I'm sitting at the bar, by myself, and I have to turn back over my shoulder to watch the Chargers/Patriots game at about an 80-degree angle ... which feels great, since I sunburned the hell out of my neck yesterday. So yeah, I should be in a good mood all afternoon.

• FOX's pregame show is doing a segment on the "sportsmanship" of the Cowboys opting to not punt the ball to Devin Hester. I can't believe this is an issue. What is unsportsmanlike about not wanting Devin Hester to singlehandedly beat you? If you're a Bears fan, and you want to call the Cowboys pussies, fine ... I'd do the same. But unsportsmanlike? Isn't part of sportsmanship trying your hardest to win the game? I don't see much unsportsmanlike about trying to take away your opponent's biggest (and only) threat.

• The Eagles are dressed today as the UCLA men's baton-twirling team. The uniforms are throwbacks from the year ... actually, I'm not sure what the year is, but it was at some point in American history where cross-dressing was socially acceptable and gender roles were defined in completely different ways. I don't mean to overstate, but this is the gayest thing to happen in Philadelphia since Tom Hanks was nailing Antonio Banderas in that one movie.

• Ronnie Brown picks up 10 yards on an early carry in the Jets/Dolphins game, equaling his season's output thus far.

• The Patriots are wearing their shiny silver jerseys today, which I think is a good choice. Silver, as opposed to white, makes it much easier to hide the surveillance equipment. While the league's investigating this, I'd like them to go back and check Tedy Bruschi's surgical records and make sure that the hole in his heart was actually repaired, and not just filled with a Sony Handycam.

• Philadelphia's on the board early as Brian Westbrook goes about 25 yards for the score, prompting the Eagles to frolic and cavort joyously, something they can't do in their standard greens.

• Sports bar fashion statement of the day: Old school, creamsicle-colored Tampa Bay Buccaneers trucker hat, with the retro neatly groomed pirate logo. I tip my cap to you, sir.

• The 49ers open up their game at Pittsburgh with a field goal drive ... but then give up a 98-yard touchdown return to Allen Rossum on the ensuing kickoff. That should just about put that one out of reach.

• And the Chargers put together maybe their best drive of the season, with LaDainian Tomlinson having a few successful runs, and Phil Rivers finishing it off with a 27-yard TD pass to sleeper-who's-still asleep Vincent Jackson.

• It's about 1:30 now, and people are still attempting to file in ... I felt like a jackass for getting here just a half-hour early. The NFL is getting too damn popular. So I leave the place, abandon the entire concept of an NFL Smorgasbord, and head to a gay bar to do a figure skating Smorgasbord or something ... and I get there, and everyone there is glued to the Eagles game. So much for that idea.

• You know what I love? When the cameras in Green Bay pan the audience, looking for people wearing foam blocks of cheese on their head. That never gets old. Nope. Still cracks me up every goddamn time I see it. Green Bay is the birthplace of comedy.

• Donovan McNabb, in an effort to smooth things over with white people, goes deep to Kevin Curtis for about a 70-yard TD strike. The Eagles lead 21-7.

• Brett Favre goes to Donald Driver ... and he might have caught that, had Chargers safety Marlon McCree not jacked him in the head with both forearms. Sometimes, I get the feeling that Marlon McCree is a little bit of a dirty player, but that's probably only because he keeps making dirty plays.

• Santonio Holmes takes an end-around, and looks to want to throw the ball, but has no one open ... he reverses field, looking for a block from Ben Roethlisberger, who then falls to his hands and knees and sort of points to a guy who should have been blocked before he took Holmes down for a loss. Ben Roethlisberger makes Marc Bulger looks like a ferocious blocker.

• McNabb to Kevin Curtis again for a touchdown ... you know what, Drexl, today is White Boy Day. And, as a special bonus, McNabb gets up slowly and his holding his ribs after being hit. Gregg Doyel is going to be thrilled.

• For some reason, JP Losman isn't currently under center for the Bills ... it's someone named Edwards. They're playing the Patriots, so it's not like it matters ... honestly, I'd have never noticed the difference if I hadn't seen "EDWARDS" printed across the guy's back.

• Derrick Mason (there's a name you don't hear much these days) catches a touchdown pass, and then breaks off a Michael Jackson dance move in the endzone. If he scores again, I fear that he'll put on a glittered glove and fondle a kid. I can't imagine Roger Goodell would be pleased with that.

• A McNabb screen pass to Westbrook goes to the house from about 40 yards out, and the Eagles offense is a house of fire. They're going into halftime with 42 points on the board ... with Donovan McNabb (14/15, 332 yards, 4 TDs), Brian Westbook and Kevin Curtis (8 for 190, 3 TDs), all having career days, in just half a day's work.

• Steelers kicker Jeff Reed (who's having a fantastic year, by the way) has gotten a haircut and is sporting a mouthpiece today, for some reason. My guess is that it's not to protect him from any physical play on the football field, but as a safety precaution in some daring, dangerous, cunnilingual maneuver he's planning on a Pittsburgh lady at halftime.

• LaDainian Tomlinson shows some signs of coming out of his coma as he takes a Phil Rivers screen pass into the endzone, putting the Chargers up 21-17.

• Pittsburgh's got a pretty good defense, but San Francisco's offense ... they're not good. Norv Turner taking the Chargers job has hurt the 49ers just as much as it has hurt the Chargers. I wonder if we could work out some kind of a trade, exchanging Nate Clements for Norv Turner. It doesn't even have to be Nate Clements ... I'd take Isaac Sopoaga and one of those Joe Montana lithographs that OJ Simpson wanted to badly.

• Ravens cornerback Corey Ivy yanks the football out of the hands of Larry Fitzgerald ... Fitzgerald went up and caught it, and Ivy just said, "Fuck you, that's mine," and took it from him. I think I saw Kurt Warner in the game, too ... I'm not sure, though.

• I'm now sitting next to a gentleman wearing an authentic Jason Avant Eagles jersey (the normal green one, not the fruity pastel one) ... he confides in me that he just dropped Kevin Curtis to pick up Jason Avant on his fantasy team. Woops.

• Larry Johnson, at the moment: 17 carries, 21 yards.

• Earnest Graham scores for the Buccaneers ... I don't know who the fuck Earnest Graham is.

• There's Kurt Warner again ... he is playing. I don't know if Leinart's hurt, has been benched or his herpes has flared up. Warner is sharp, though ... every time I look at that game, he's hitting Anquan Boldin in the numbers.

• The Packers have a 4th and goal inside the Chargers 1-yard-line, with about 5 minutes to go in the game ... they opt to go for it. Favre's pass is knocked down at the line of scrimmage, and he and his record-tying touchdown can suck me. Couple of first downs here, and the Chargers put a tough road win to bed.

• I'd stopped paying attention to the game completely, because I didn't think there was any way the Ravens would blow a 17-point halftime lead against the Cardinals ... but then again, I wasn't counting on Kurt Warner and the power of Jesus Christ. He (Warner, not Christ) hits Boldin for a 32-yard touchdown pass, and the Cardinals are within 3.

• The Chargers fail to get that series of first downs that they needed ... following some poor punt coverage, Brett Favre hits Brandon Jennings on a little slant, and Jennings turns into Jerry Rice while the Chargers defense turns into ... I don't know, a bunch of guys comfortable to just chase Brandon Jennings at a safe following distance, and I can now suck Brett Favre and his record-tying touchdown.

• Favre celebrates by picking up Donald Driver. I don't know why. Jennings is going to cry himself to sleep tonight wondering why he isn't worthy of being picked up by Favre.

• Neil Rackers hits a 41-yarder, and Arizona's tied the game with under a minute to play.

• There's still time for San Diego to come back, though ... and as well as Phil Rivers has been throwing the ball today, they should have — ah, fuck, Rivers just threw an interception.

• Kyle Boller is, for the second week in a row, being very un-Boller-like, and is leading the Ravens up the field in the two minute drive. He's 3-of-3 on the drive, and Adrian Wilson helps them out by picking up a 15-yard personal foul ... Matt Stover's on to try and win the game with 5 seconds left. He does, of course, because the Cardinals are still the Cardinals. But at least Kurt Warner finally showed some sings of becoming their quarterback of the future.

• The Ravens fans in here go absolutely nuts when Stover ends it ... maybe it's just me, but if I was expecting my team to be a Super Bowl contender, and they just narrowly edged the Cardinals (at home) ... I don't think I'd be going nuts about. Raiders fans, Browns fans, maybe the Vikings, 49ers and Bills ... that's about all the teams that are justified in celebrating a win over the Cardinals.

• It looks like the league is really going to go through with his Oakland/Cleveland game. Hm. I thought they were just kidding.

• I'm not one to compliment the Redskins often, but ... these throwback jerseys with the yellow helmets ... they're fantastic. I'd support a full-time switch back to those. Eliminating one half of the racist name/racist logo combination is progress.

• Fox is showing a stat about the formations that the Falcons have run so far in the game ... they've run three-receiver sets 11 times, way more than they've run anything else ... and the 4- and 5-receiver sets are just as popular as the traditional 2-receiver sets. This is interesting game-planning for a team with no good receivers, no good quarterbacks and two good running backs.

• Joey Harrington and Josh McCown throw touchdown passes, nearly simultaneously ... please stand in a doorway and grab on to something study as the world spins backwards for a few minutes.

• The Raiders have opened up a 13-0 lead over the Browns ... and the Cincinnati defense looks worse and worse with each second that goes by, regardless of what's happening in their game against Seattle.

• Joey Harrington so far: 11/15, 175 yards, 1 TD. I knew he had it in him ... all he needed was for Bobby Petrino to say publicly that it was time for Harrington to stop playing like a big wet vagina and take some risks out there.

• Derek Anderson, meanwhile, is 4/8 with 2 interceptions. Welcome back, Derek Anderson.

• Joshua Cribbs gets loose for a 99-yard touchdown return against the Raiders ... the last man he had to beat was Sebastian Janikowski, and you're not going to believe this, but Janikowski is not an aggressive or agile tackler. I have a feeling, though, that if he was allowed to slip opposing running backs roofies, that he could be a pretty good linebacker.

• Browns tight end Steve Heiden is waaaaay the fuck open in the endzone. Derek Anderson misses him by about 4 yards.

• I haven't been paying much attention to the Redskins/Giants game, but I know this ... if your fantasy league awards points for drops, Plaxico Burress is having a monster day.

• Brand new old Saints kicker Morten Andersen, grandfather of Browns QB, Derek, steps onto the field and boots one through for the Falcons.

• Hey, it's a Daunte Culpepper sighting ... he's under center for the Raiders, as Josh McCown is limping around the sidelines.

• Eli Manning comes out after halftime, throwing the ball pretty well ... and this time, Plaxico Burress is actually catching it. Shockey had a nice grab, too, and Reuben Droughns finished it off with a touchdown run. The Giants, briefly here in the 3rd quarter, resemble an NFL football team.

• Joey Harrington with another touchdown pass, this one to Alge Crumpler ... and the t-shirt under Harrington's pads today reads, "FUCK OFF, BYRON LEFTWICH."

• Eli Manning, falling backwards, just blindly heaves a ball downfield with all of his strength ... Sean Taylor was waiting for it like a punt. He could have called fair catch.

• Ed Hochuli, doing the Cincinnati/Seattle game, treats us to our first "unabated to the quarterback" of this young season ... the first I've seen, anyway. And I do mean, "see," I had to lip read it ... the sound is on the Redskins/Giants game. The sound from Cincinnati/Seattle is being abated.

• Stat on CBS: The Browns have won six of their last sevewn games against the Raiders. If that's not a direct indictment of the Raiders over the last few years, I don't know what is.

• DeAngelo Hall is losing his shit ... he tackled Steve Smith on one play for a 37-yard pass interference call, and then racked up 2 consecutive personal fouls, one for hitting Smith in the head, and another for being abusive to an official ... now he's taken his act to the sidelines, where he's being abusive to a whole series of coaches. That's 67 yards in penalties on DeAngelo Hall alone, on one drive ... he pretty much scored that touchdown for the Panthers.

• Hey, Scott Player is back in the league ... I thought someone cut him this off-season. The Playa is punting for the Browns, now ... and is doing so with the one-bar facemask, and the Hulk Hogan-style, white, goatee thing. I wonder if Jeff Reed considers him a mentor in any way.

• Brilliant replay in the Browns game ... The camera follows Joe Jurevicious who runs a little in route, is completely wide open in all directions, and just stands there, looking back to the backfield ... and the ball just comes rolling into the frame, past his feet, and he's just looking back like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

• A couple of plays later, Jurevicius is wide open again ... and the pass sails over his head by about six yards. I'm really only presenting one side of the story here, Derek Anderson has made some good throws today ... but when he is bad, he is very, very, bad. Joe Jurevicius might announce his retirement tomorrow.

• Matt Hasselbeck makes a beautiful throw to Nate Burleson to put the Seahawks in front of the Bengals ... but the Bengals (Bingles, as Terry Bradshaw calls them), are going to have 1:00 to try to tie things up... actually, no, they aren't. Not if they fumble the ensuing kickoff. Sorry, Bingles.

• Derek Anderson, meanwhile, is leading a drive for the Brownies, to get them into range to win with a field goal ... Anderson does his job, and gets Phil Dawson a chance. On the last play before the field goal attempt, the Raiders had zero down linemen ... dropped everyone into coverage, and yet, Joe Jurevicius was wide open (on the sideline, even) for a gain of 13. Here comes Phil Dawson to attempt the game winner.

• The kick goes up, and it's good, but it was one of those deals where the opposing coach called timeout at the last second. It won't count. As a fan with no real rooting interest in that game (actually, that's not true, I hate the Raiders) ... I find this annoying. I think they have to change that rule. You want to ice a kicker, fine ... but this, "Let's make him kick it and then have it not count" thing is bullshit.

• Of course, Dawson's next attempt is blocked as the Cleveland line just absolutely caves in ... Raiders win. I can't deny that a blocked field goal is a fitting way for that atrocity to end, though.

• It's coming down to it in the Redskins/Giants game, too ... Randle-El (having his best year, by far, by the way) has an excellent punt return for the 'Skins, giving them a chance to get in position to tie things up with a touchdown.

• Of course, that fizzles when the Giants put together a goal-line stand when Ladell Betts loses two yards on 4th down. One never-say-die (or anything else lucid, for that matter) Redkins fan is now screaming, "SAFETY TIME!" because, you know, chances are, they'll be able to get a safety when Eli Manning takes one snap and kneels on it to end the game.

• Before we even get to the bar today, I glance the news that OJ Simpson is probably going to be arrested soon in connection with an armed robbery. Can you believe this guy? Where did he ever get the idea that he was above the law? Oh, wait.

• Good news ... our waitress today has a fantastic body, and she is not shy about using it as a customer-relations tool. She's flirting and flipping her hair and making sure I have a clear, unobstructed view of her belly button.

• There's a guy here in an Odell Thurman jersey ... the perfect jersey for the man who wants to make the statement, "I fully embrace all illegal activities." The chances of someone being assaulted in here today just went up by about 75 percent.

• In the second installment under "interesting Bengals attire," there's another guy wearing an orange t- shirt that reads, "I AM BENGALS NATION." If that shirt was purchased anytime before 2002, then this guy is the fucking man.

• Continuing the fashion watch for one more minute ... here's a Giants fan in a Tiki Barber jersey. I like it. Rare is the opportunity to show support for a team by wearing the jersey of a man who hates them.

• I can't hear what's going on, but there's a pregame segment on FOX called "Wal-Mart Rapid Fire." This gentleman finds that title ironic.

• Bad news ... attractive, flirty waitress has been taken away. I guess we weren't in her section, and that's a shame, because I'd very much like to be in her section. She's has been replaced by another attractive girl, though ... but new girl appears to only have an interest in bringing us food and beverages. Pricktease.

• Oh, and The Juice estimates her tightness as "average."

• There's some pregame footage of Chad Johnson hanging out with a few members of the Cleveland Browns Dawg Pound ... one of whom is hugging Chad. Die-hard Browns fan, that guy. If you can get that close to Chad Johnson, and you really love the Browns, you don't hug him ... you take a syringe full of nandrolone, ram it into his ass, and phone in an anonymous tip to league offices that Chad Johnson might be juicing.

• The Titans have an early 4th and inches against the Colts, and Jeff Fisher's feeling froggy ... he's going for it. And the Colts defense displays a little bit of backbone. Hm.

• Willie Parker, sporting the Steelers 75th anniversary uniforms, including helmets that look like dirty Q-tips, is running all over Buffalo.

• The guy with the Odell Thurman jersey has been joined by a guy in a Patriots t-shirt. No one at that table has any sort of respect for the law or human decency.

• For the second week in a row, DirecTV is running an assload of promos for We Are Marshall on pay-per-view. I think they should turn it into a trilogy like Star Wars, where the good guys triumph over adversity in the first one, evil scores a victory in the second one, and then there are Ewoks in the last one. The second installment can focus on what it's like to lose 48-35 to New Hampshire, and next year, the team should be comprised entirely of Ewoks.

• At 1:37 in the afternoon, Steve Smith already has two touchdown receptions.

• Early in the game, CBS is showing a "Stat Comparison" between Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson ... you're not going to believe this, but Carson's numbers are considerably better. CBS might want to go with a headshot or Carson, a headshot of Anderson, call it the "Stat Comparison," and underneath it, just have, "Is there really a fucking point?"

• So, um ... Chris Henry is here. I kid you not. Chris Henry, suspended wide receiver of the Cincinnati Bengals, has entered the establishment. Very few people outside of our table are aware of this. All I know is ... if he sits next to the guy in the Odell Thurman jersey, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

• My buddy Doug: "You think he knows the Bengals are playing?"

• He's sitting in the opposite corner of the room, which would actually be about the worst vantage point to see the TV with the Bengals game on it.

• Jeff Reed, as always, is doing all the scoring in Pittsburgh. 12-0 Steelers.

• Holy shit. Chris Henry and two friends have now moved to our table. He's with two other guys with him for a total of three, and we have two empty seats, much closer to the Bengals game ... I guess he does know they're playing. They grab a chair from the table next to us and sit down ... and yeah, Chris Henry's at our table.

• The Browns go up 13-7 ... they apparently scored a touchdown, but I didn't see how it happened, and you know what ... fuck it.

Me to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: (didn't hear me/ no response)
Me again to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: Oh, um ... number 84 caught a pass.
Me to Chris Henry: Cool.

Short and curt, but polite enough, I suppose. So there you have it ... an exclusive Deadspin interview with Chris Henry.

• I don't know what I would have found more surprising, if you had told me these two things at the beginning of the day: that Derek Anderson threw a TD pass, or that I'd be asking Chris Henry about it.

• Jeremy Shockey catches a routine pass and acts like he just climbed Mount Everest, found Osama bin Laden at the top, and then killed him by reaching into his chest and pulling out his still-beating heart. I overhear some Giants fan yell, "YEAH, SHOCKEY, GET PUMPED! UGH!" Screw you, pal.

• TJ Houshmandzadeh is wide open in the endzone, and tiptoes down a touchdown pass from Carson Palmer ... Chris Henry stood up as the ball was in the air and raised his arms as it was caught. It is difficult to see a television when Chris Henry stands up between you and the television.

• Actually, they're going to review it now ... Houshmandzadeh may not have gotten his feet down. I throw out a "Chris Henry would've caught that." No response. But he does tell one of his friends, "You see that Cover 2? You gotta run that corner." Enjoy that glimpse into the mind of an NFL receiver.

• Joey Galloway catches a pass from Jeff Garcia, and Joey Galloway ... he still has his speed. From the 40-yard-line in, it's a light jog. What if the Saints lose to the Bucs today ... not only does it call into question everything we know about the NFL, but it's going to set the city of New Orleans back at least a couple of months, since the Saints are rebuilding New Orleans, one win at a time.

• Some Bengal named Holt just took a vicious helmet-to-helmet to hit. The guy just had him lined up and speared him in the face. Ugly. No one in the area — absolutely no one — appears terribly concerned about this Holt fellow.

• Oh, no ... Steelers linebackers James Harrison is being stretchered out of the stadium with his head and neck immobilized. Dammit, I hate this. This happened during the last play of the half, by the way, and they went to commercial with no mention of it. They're just now getting to this news.

• Chad Johnson scores a touchdown and then acts like he's going to leap into the Dawg Pound, but then has some teammates pretend to hold him back. At least, that's my interpretation of what happened ... I dunno. I'm getting a little bit tired of feeling like I have to gaze excitedly at the TV every time Chad Johnson scores.

• Here's the replay of the hit that put James Harrison on a stretcher: He was being blocked, leaning inside, and his man pushed him that way ... and his head ended up slamming into Casey Hampton's ass. I'd have thought that area was pretty soft ... but it's hard enough to hurt someone, apparently. I just hope to God that James Harrison is OK ... if this gets replayed on every news channel, like the Kevin Everett thing, Casey Hampton is going to develop a complex about the paralyzing nature of his ass.

• By the way, at halftime, Pittsburgh's run 44 offensive plays, and Buffalo's run 16.

• All right, now Derek Anderson has 3 touchdown passes ... what the fuck is going on?

• Most games are at halftime now, which gives me a chance to catch up on how Joey Harrington's doing today ... I'm still holding out a little bit of hope for Joey. Falcons/Jags highlights, let's see ... Harrington drops back, and is sacked. Harrington drops back again ... sacked again. Yeah, it's still not going well.

• Chris Henry has left the establishment. I'm sorry that wasn't more eventful, but I'm not that outgoing or gregarious a guy. He didn't seem to be in the mood to chat with people outside of his little circle anyway ... but, you know, he was perfectly well-behaved and polite. No one was drinking, and I didn't even hear him curse. I think I can tell you pretty definitively that I have a much filthier mouth than does Chris Henry. He and his friends did waste an awful lot of french fries, though. I might call Roger Goodell and tell him that, maybe get a couple of games tacked on to that suspension.

• Chad Johnson scores again ... and this time, he does dive into the Dawg Pound, amongst fans who appear to be happy to see him. He jumps in, gets a quick handj from the guy in the bulldog mask, and ... all right, THERE you go, Browns fans. Someone poured a beer on him. That's a little bit more respectable behavior.

• The fucking Browns have 40 points, by the way ... this performance from the Bengals defense, I believe, mathematically eliminates them from Super Bowl contention.

• Adam Vinatieri has now missed an extra point and a 36-yard field goal ... I find that strange.

• Vince Young competes a touchdown pass to some guy named Roydell Williams ... and the Titans are within two.

• Here's a call you wouldn't have heard in the NFL 10 years ago ... Lee Evans draws a 15-yard personal foul flag for "getting in the face of the official." I like it, but for more street cred, Mr. Official, next time go with, "getting all up in the grillpiece of the official."

• My brother's stopped by ... he happens to be passing through town and stops to make a rare Smorgasbord appearance. Now, my brother's a married man, but he's also a man who went through a phase where he'd sleep with just about anyone or anything. You put him in an environment like this, where the waitresses are exclusively young and attractive, and at least a portion of the customers are, too ... and he just can't handle it. He's biting his lip and rocking back and forth in his chair anytime a female walks by. I realize that many of you think that I'm filthy, and don't get me wrong, that's completely warranted. But ... if you could take a peek inside my brother's mind on this Sunday afternoon, you'd see something that Larry Flynt would see and say, "No, I think that just goes too far."

• Eli Manning is in trouble and backpedaling ... and oh, that's a Jake Plummer move. He lightly flicked the ball at the thighs of an approaching defensive lineman, who intercepts it. He did get in on the tackle, though, employing the rare "like a little girl, put your hands on the shoulders of the gigantic man with the ball and hope he loses his balance" technique.

• Green Bay, while we're on the subject, is beating the hell out of the Giants. Not that I think really highly of the Giants, but ... I didn't see this coming. What if Green Bay is good? I think that would feel very strange. Not that I'm drawing that conclusion yet, because anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC, but ... I don't know, it looks possible. Green Bay might be good.

• And as evidence of that "anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC theory," San Francisco has moved to 2-0 as Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins leaves a 56-yard potential game-winner short. 0-2 for the Rams, 2-0 for the 49ers.

• Alright, Vince Young has a chance to mount a 2:00-drive here and get the Titans in field goal range. Nice little run there to pick up a first down on 3rd and 9 ... pass completed, another first down, we're near midfield here ... another nice-looking throw to — oh, you worthless son of a bitch. Some guy dropped a first down pass that would've put them in or very near field goal range for the win. The next play's a total clusterfuck, and we're done here. This is why, Tennessee Titans, it isn't a good idea to spend as much money on your receiving corps as do the Mahoning Valley Thunder.

• Lady E overheard a girl in the ladies room tell someone that she hadn't been home yet from the night before and was still wearing the same clothes. It's after 4 p.m. now, by the way ... she probably smells terrific. This is the kind of woman in whom my brother would be very interested.

• Cleveland has 538 total yards at the moment and has scored the very rare NFL half-a-hundred. And there's even a lot of time left ... I have absolutely no explanation. Even the fact that the Bengals defense isn't very good ... I wouldn't have guessed that the Browns could have put up those kind of numbers in 60 minutes on an empty field.

• Sign in Cleveland's stadium: "CHAD JOHNSON: ALL BLING, NO RING." Yeah, because the Browns are famous for their rings. That one was right next to the, "HA HA, CHAD JOHNSON WEARS TOO MUCH ORANGE" sign.

• Before the Cowboys/Dolphins game gets underway, Jason Taylor goes over to some Cowboys fans and tears down a sign they had up. I know, the biggest unwritten rule of the NFL is that you don't mess with a man's Feng Shui, but come on ... it was a completely innocuous sign, something like ... "Cowboys fans from (some small hick town in Texas)!" It wasn't like the sign said, "I gave Jason Taylor's whore of a mother a dirty sanchez three times last week." That guy should relax.

• The Raiders are back to more familiar offensive ways. Pinned inside their own two, they run two plays in which the call from the sideline was, "Please, we're begging you, safety us," followed by an interception on third down.

• My brother is out of control ... he's the horniest man in a peach sweater-vest that has ever walked the earth. Every 10 minutes or so, he'll say, "OH MY GOD" and I'll turn around and expect to see, like ... I don't know, a clown on a unicycle getting head from Courtney Love. But I look, and it's just some random bar girl walking to the ladies room. If he were here every week, this would go from "The Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord" to "How a Sexual Assault Occurs, Step by Step."

• The Bengals are at the 50 and have 33 seconds to get a TD ... Carson Palmer drops back, he goes long, that's going to be picked off, and we're done here. Browns win. I just wonder if Derek Anderson was thinking "fuck Brady Quinn" to himself with every TD pass. This performance just blows my mind.

• I count six 4:00 games today ... that seems like an unusually high amount. Is this a shift in league policy?

• CBS is showing their stat leaders of the day, and according to them, Steve Smith recorded 227 receiving yards. I don't believe that's accurate ... and I don't understand how CBS is screwing something like that up. Do they have Bill Cowher doing the addition now?

• There goes Devin Hester, doing what Devin Hester does ... punt return for a TD, and it's 14-0 Bears over the hapless Chiefs.

• Oh, now the Raiders have gone and done it ... they've finally angered God to the point where he will no longer allow them to play football. The Denver/Oakland game has been delayed due to a lightning storm.

• I'd like to propose an idea, just for the safety of everyone at Mile High ... let's take Warren Sapp, cover him entirely in about six inches thick of tinfoil, and perch him atop the stadium to serve as a lightning rod. That would make me feel better about things.

• A gunner on the Dallas punt coverage team is forced out of bounds ... and he plows into an assistant coach and just keeps motoring. He gets flagged on the play ... because when you're shoved out of bounds, you have to try immediately to come back in, which seems like a difficult rule to interpret/enforce ... but I guess when you take out an assistant coach, though, it draws a little more attention.

• Sign in Arizona at the Cardinals/Seahawks game: "THE WIN STREAK STARTS TODAY." If they were trying to design a sign that would get maximum usage in Arizona ... that's pretty brilliant.

• Kellen Clemens is not off to an auspicious start for the Jets against Baltimore ... his QB rating is currently hovering in the 35 range. I guess someone had to be Derek Anderson today.

• The Denver/Oakland game is back on ... either the lightning storm has passed, or Roger Goodell has decided that no one would really miss any of the Raiders, and if it was a Bronco that was killed by a lightning bolt, eh, they're used to it by now.

• Cecil Sapp sashays into the endzone for the Broncos ... what, were you expecting Travis Henry to get all the goal line carries? No, Mike Shanahan hates you and your fantasy team and would like to see you have an aneurysm.

• In this week's "NFC East Team Struggles With Miami" encounter, Tony Romo, with Joey Porter wrapped around his knees, throws a short TD pass to some guy I've never heard of ... the Cowboys take a 3rd quarter lead.

• Of course, Dallas is about to pull away in this week's "NFC East Team Struggles With Miami" encounter, for two reasons ... one, they're better than the Redskins, and two, Trent Green just threw that pass like he thought Chris Chambers was a much faster (and more alive) version of Andre the Giant. Interception.

• Hey, it's a Jerry Porter sighting ... remember when he was going to be a good wide receiver? Yeah, that idea never really took off. Anyway, he gets loose in the Denver secondary for a touchdown, and the Raiders are somehow within 7.

• Wow ... and now Jay Cutler is safetied, making it 17-12 Broncos. This game was an offensive pass interference call away from being 24-3 Broncos, and now the Raiders are threatening to actually win in Mile High. That would almost be as shocking as the Cleveland Browns having a potent offensive attack today.

• Rex Grossman ... ick. He just overthrew a screen pass by about five yards, and that's going the other way. Without Devin Hester, this game isn't worth ... well, it's not really worth watching anyway.

• Hey, the win streak is going to start today ... Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander fuck up a handoff exchange, the Cardinals pounce on the fumble, and handsome Neil Rackers hits a 42-yard field goal to give the Birds the win. CAW.

• Derek Hagan of Miami makes an absurd catch ... it means absolutely nothing because Miami is terrible, but even on a day with some great catches, that one's the best. He tipped it with his right, then his left, in traffic, with a man hanging on him ... and it serves the noble purpose of keeping the Dolphins within 17 here today.

• Justin McCareins drops what would have been a game-tying TD ... wide open, Kellen Clemens hits him in stride from long range ... and it bounces off his hands.

• Minnesota and Detroit, in a collective show of futility, both miss potential game-winning field goals in the last minute. This one's going to overtime ... and I'm not going to care that much about what happens from there. Green Bay might actually be the best team in this division. I feel weird about that.

• Ray Lewis, because he's God's linebacker, intercepts a pass in the endzone to bring the Jets/Ravens game to a close.

• The Vikings fumble a snap in overtime ... the snap is something you'd think they'd have worked out before they got to overtime, but Tavaris Jackson is just intent on being a turnover machine today.

• Meanwhile, Josh McCown throws an interception, which is making overtime in that Oakland/Denver game quite likely. The Raiders will lose, but ... this one's gotta count as a moral victory, yes?

• The Cowboys/Dolphins game, which was on the main TV, has ended ... which means that I'm now seeing and hearing the sound from the "Countdown to the Emmys," and I'm not sticking around for this. Jason Hanson hits a game-winner for Detroit on my way out ... but Oakland and Denver, you guys are on your own. The return of the lightning wouldn't be the worst thing in the world .

Hello, and welcome to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord. If you aren't familiar with the concept, it's a collection of the highlights and lowlights of my day spent at a local sports bar, watching more football than any person should ever watch at one time. If you'd like, you can check out previous years of the Smorgasbord here and get a feel for things.

• About a year ago, this bar added on another huge room ... partly because it was getting too busy, and partly because they wanted to separate the Giants, Eagles and Redskins fans from the rest of the normal, decent people. This new room is where we are today. The good news: There are more TVs. The bad news: There are also more assholes.

• The pregame shows are on, but I can't hear a fucking thing over the parade of Neanderthals in Shockey jerseys.

• Dan Dierdorf lists as one of the keys to the Redskins/Dolphins game, "CAMPBELL: WILL HE BE MMM, MMM, GOOD?" I've never before seen a quarterback judged on his taste, and I applaud Dan Dierdorf for taking this bold step as a journalist.

• There are eight different games I can see ... but my neck and eyes are not in game shape. It's been 7 or 8 months since I've attempted this. I can't make sense of anything that's happening yet. I think there's a reason people don't typically watch eight TVs at one time.

• The Redskins force a quick three-and-out from the Dolphins. Clinton Portis carries a couple of times ... on the third play of the drive, Jason Campbell drops back, throws, and is intercepted. It's easy to criticize, but I think I'd be a little shaken, too, if Dan Dierdorf had just wondered aloud what I taste like.

• The Browns punt ... sort of. The punter dropped the snap, was chased and shanked it about 15 yards out of bounds. And if that wasn't bad enough, there was a penalty on the play — check that — four penalties on the play. In the course of one 15-yard punt, the Browns racked a holding call, an illegal formation, another holding call and an ineligible downfield kick. In situations like this, the official should have the liberty to tack on an extra 15-yard personal foul, for being an NFL team, and still being that fucking bad.

• The Joey Harrington era has gotten underway in Minnesota ... and Joey is 1-for-1. This is going to go well, I can feel it.

• Denver runs a little bit of option against Buffalo ... That's the way to play into Jay Cutler's strengths. It actually goes for about 25 yards. Element of surprise, I guess.

• Magnificent tippy-toe catch in the back of the endzone from Hines Ward ... Roethlisberger threw it off his back foot, put it right in the corner, and Hines did what Hines does. That was beautiful.

• Joey Harrington drops back again ... and he's 2-for-2. Joey Harrington is on FIRE, and the canine population of Atlanta rejoices.

• It's strange to see Joey Porter in a different uniform ... especially one as fruity as the Dolphins'. I think the colorful new look suits him, though. He looks mmmm, mmmm, good.

• Joey Harrington drops back again ... and he just threw an interception to a big fat guy in purple, who then rumbled 54 yards into the endzone. The Joey Harrington era looked so good for about five minutes there.

• You may already know this, but Charlie Frye is fucking awful. If you were hoping to gauge how good Mike Tomlin's new defensive scheme would be, today, I'm afraid that's going to be impossible, because the Steelers are playing 4th graders.

• A Browns coach is on the sidelines, his hand with three fingers pointing towards the ground, waving feverishly, trying to get someone's attention. Because I've spent the offseason learning coaches sideline signals, I can tell you that this is the universal NFL signal for "FINGER HIM!" If they get a sack on Ben Roethlisberger, look for him to be violated with three of a defensive lineman's digits.

• Brett Favre appears to be disgusted with himself, and unbuckles his chinstrap ... but he does so with such force that he unbuckles it from both sides, and pulls it completely off. I suspect steroids.

• The Greek (none of my friends want to go by their real names, probably because they're afraid their douchebag, assfuck bosses would read this and get mad at them) thinks that the guy in the Lipitor commercials looks like the assassin with the car bomb from Scarface. His wife thinks it is him. Hold on, I'm gonna check IMDB real quick ... nope, nowhere in the cast of Scarface is Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the Jarvik Artificial Heart, listed. I'm glad we got that cleared up.

• Redskins tackle Jon Jansen just got his ankle pinned under some other guy, and he's in an extreme amount of pain. On the plus side, though, hey, free cart ride.

• It's already 17-0 Steelers in the first quarter ... and they really haven't even had to earn it. Their average starting field position is about the Browns 35. Santonio Holmes just beat the coverage deep down the middle ... if they're not going to play Brady Quinn at quarterback, let's at least see if he can help out at corner.

• And apparently they're not going to play Brady Quinn at quarterback ... Charlie Frye is getting yanked, but it's Derek Anderson who's warming up.

• Four seconds left in the first half, the Dolphins have a 3rd and 1 at the Redskins goal line. This will be their last play of the half, and Cam Cameron's going to gamble and go for the TD. Trent Green throws across his body and finds tight end Justin Peelle in the endzone. Big balls, Cam Cameron.

• CBS is currently showing a graphic listing the five different offensive coordinators that Charlie Frye has had in the last five years ... because, you know, that's the reason that Charlie Frye sucks. At least he'll be used to it when he has a different offensive coordinator next year in the Canadian league.

• And just in case this needed to be said, Derek Anderson is also fucking terrible. Even when he isn't under pressure, he's just throwing the ball yards away from where it should be. It makes absolutely no sense that an NFL team can't find a quarterback better than either of these two fucks.

• Ellis Hobbs returns a kick 108 yards against the Jets, making life more difficult for every special teams coach in the country who wants his kick returner to take a knee when the ball is eight yards deep in the endzone.

• Some guy, and I don't know who it is at the moment, is down in the Buffalo/Denver game ... They've taken his facemask off, they've got an ambulance on the field, and E claims to have seen the guy twitching ... which doesn't sound good. Let's hope for the best. Meanwhile, CBS keeps zooming in on the face of the guy who was involved in the collision with him, as if it's his fault ... the guy may have just accidentally paralyzed another man, but let's make sure we get a good shot of him in his lowest moment.

• Ben Roethlisberger is 6-of-16, and has a 17-0 lead over Cleveland. That's how good Cleveland is.

• I've kinda stopped watching the Vikings/Falcons game since Joey Harrington's fortunes turned, so I don't really know how Tavaris Jackson is playing ... but he just pulled off one of the all-time great get-rid-of-the-ball moves. A guy had him wrapped up, and he tried to twist out of it, but couldn't, and as the guy continued to yank him to the ground, Tavaris heaved the ball out of bounds like people throw grenades in old war movies. For all I know, that's been his best throw of the day ... it wouldn't shock me.

Ted Ginn Jr. has three punt returns for a grand total of 13 yards. I'm not implying that the Dolphins wasted a draft pick, but the Dolphins probably wasted a draft pick.

• There's a guy here with a Bills Roscoe Parrish jersey on, but he's got his own name duct taped over Parrish's name. I have no explanation ... if Roscoe Parrish wasn't a Bill anymore, I could maybe understand. There used to be a guy here who had a Saints Ricky Williams jersey, but he duct taped over the #34, and over "WILLIAMS" on the back and wrote "McALLISTER" in Sharpie ... at least that guy was making a "Fuck You" statement to Ricky Williams. This guy ... no fucking idea what he's doing.

• There's a waitress here — she's not our waitress, so I just noticed — but she's got on a tiny little pair of shorts that are pushed down so far that I believe I can make out a little bit of muff stubble. The Greek comments, "If I wore shorts that low, you'd see a forest of pubic hair." We'll see if we can get a picture for you next week.

• Randy Moss gets loose in the Jets secondary for a 51-yard touchdown ... he wasn't that loose, really, there were three defenders chasing him, but none of them were fast enough to catch him, and Tom Brady fires off the football with the same quickness and accuracy that he fires off sperm. TD Pats.

• Greg Gumbel's update on Jason Campbell: 21.2 QB rating on the day. Dan Dierdorf's update on Jason Campbell: A little salty, but not bad.

• Brett Favre makes one of those Brett Favre plays, where he appears to be dead, engulfed in the arms of a giant defensive lineman, and he just flips the ball to a running back, when then goes 20 yards for a first down. It's a great play ... I don't know why Brett Favre is the only person capable of things like that.

• The last four passes that Derek Anderson has thrown have either bounced off of Steelers, or just missed them by inches. The Browns would be better off if Anderson just dropped back and spiked the ball every time ... hell, why even risk that? Just punt on first down.

• This Falcons/Vikings game is about to come to an end, with the Falcons having never even gotten to inside the red zone. I wonder if Bobby Petrino will be on the phone today trying to get the charges against Michael Vick reduced to a misdemeanor.

• The Redskins, much like the poor gentleman on the side of their helmet to whom they are paying "tribute," got fucked. The Dolphins are going to get the ball around the 10-yard line with a chance to take the lead because of a pass interference call on a pass that was nowhere near being catchable.

• A couple of close, but low-quality football games are nearing their conclusion ... both Green Bay/Philadelphia and Washington/Miami are looking like overtime possibilities.

• CBS gives us about a minute straight of Brady Quinn holding a clipboard ... I think a CBS executive producer is sitting in a truck somewhere right now, pissed off at Romeo Crennel, and screaming, "FINE, ASSHOLE. If you won't play Brady Quinn, we'll just show him standings on the sidelines doing nothing. THERE." And that's exactly what they're doing ... I think there are even plays going on at the same time. I give CBS credit for their dedication towards serving the gay demographic.

• We almost had a crazy end to the Redskins/Dolphins game ... Jason Campbell tossed a hail mary (should I capitalize that? sorry, Mary) — excuse me - a Hail Mary - about 60 yards down the field, and a Dolphins defender decided to not knock it down, but to set it, as if he's expecting Misty May or Kerri Walsh to show up and spike it. Santana Moss ends up catching it, and nearly gets into the endzone. We were about one yard away from avoiding overtime there.

• The Eagles have a guy named "Gocong." You think there are any crazy old war veterans in the stands who think he's a Viet Cong sympathizer?

• I hadn't been paying much attention to the Bills/Broncos game, but the end was awesome ... Jason Elam and the special teams unit had to sprint onto the field, with the clock winding down in an effort to get off a last-second field goal attempt ... they get it snapped with about one second left, and Elam boots it through. Huge balls on that guy.

• Nearly simultaneously, the Packers and Redskins kick game-winning field goals. I'm not sorry to see either of those games end.

• A bunch of Redskins fans break out in a Redskins fight song of some kind, and when they finish, The Greek yells, "All right, that's great, now everyone get the fuck out." And as they parade by, he's clapping and yelling at them, "Congratulations, you just beat the worst team in the AFC in overtime, that's great." One guy starts to retort and says, "Hey, you know what..." and then he just changes his mind and keeps walking. I'd like to think that he started that sentence, and halfway through thought to himself, "Yeah, you know, the Dolphins probably do fucking suck," and decided to stay quiet. Much more likely, though, is that he just couldn't think of anything to say.

• Dear God, Randy Moss had nine catches for 183 yards ... that's not good news for anyone else in the AFC.

• I guess we're going to be watching a little bit of the US Open tennis final along with the light and mostly brutal schedule of 4 o'clock games. Lucille #2 is performing before the match ... and no, I'm not making that up. She appears to be recovering very well from her vertigo.

• Ouch ... Rex Grossman just got fucked up. Shaun Phillips smothered him ... and he didn't even come from Rex's blindside. Rex's head was turned that way, and he still didn't see him coming. Sometimes, I think he's not a tremendously aware quarterback.

• Jeff Garcia has the Tampa Bay offense looking not too terrible. I don't think he's thrown a pass longer than fouryards yet, but ... it's working. They're moving the ball against the Seahawks.

• You know, when there are only three games on, and no one's scoring in any of them (we're well into the 2nd quarter in each of these games, and we have a grand total of two field goals, both courtesy of Tampa Bay) ... a good tennis match is nice to have around.

• Oooooh ... it's a rare Mike Williams sighting. I'm sure he'd like to come out today and have a huge game against his old team, the Lions. And he probably would, too, if he had any sort of aptitude for playing football.

• Hey, great news ... there's a new sitcom coming on FOX starring Kelsey Grammer. I can't even picture him playing someone other than Frasier Crane ... he's permanently typecast there, isn't he? It's almost like FOX asked that little green guy who played Yoda in the Star Wars movies to play an out-of-work electrician named Elroy in a new sitcom. I just can't see it.

• I get closer to suicide every time I see Norv Turner's face. I'm not saying I'm close, I'm still a relatively happy guy ... but if he stays around for three or four years, I don't know what kind of toll this is going to take on me.

• The Raiders defense is apparently giving Mike Furrey a 20-yard cushion in all directions. I think that's a wise move by the new coaching staff.

• Novak Djokovic was up a break on Federer, 6-5 in the first ... serving for the match at 40-0, and he blew it. First set to Federer, 7-6, I think that just about ends our match here today.

• Meanwhile, LaDainian Tomlinson has carried nine times for one yard. Ladies and gentlemen, offensive genius, Norv Turner.

• Between tennis and ogling waitresses, I've somehow missed a Lions scoring run ... Calvin Johnson catches a Jon Kitna pass and puts them ahead, 17-0.

• The Juice (again, he prefers that I not use his real name) has pointed out that the Captain's Cs on every team's jersey are all in the same font ... as opposed to previous years, when the Cs were done individually in each team's own font of choice. I break the news to him that no team wore Captain's Cs before this year. He is flummoxed ... but I love the imagination on that guy.

• The Chargers have the ball at the Bears goal line and are about to take the lead ... when the refs spontaneously decide that it's perfectly legal for Tommie Harris to jump four feet offsides before the ball is snapped ... despite what the replay shows, it looks like the Chargers are going to end up taking the high hard one here. Philip Rivers is screaming at a referee, which I like ... but I think he just used the word "bullcrap," and I'm sorry, I just can't side with a man who uses the word "bullcrap."

• A guy at the table next to me is boring the fuck out of some girl with stories about his motorcycle. I'd swoop in, but I figure that motorcycle stories probably beat sports blogging stories.

• Oh, thank you, karma ... the Chargers get a lucky break when Mike Scifres gets off a terrible, terrible punt ... a punt so terrible that the Bears upback lost track of it, and it bounced off of him, allowing the Chargers to pounce on the ball and recover. The universe has a way of evening things out.

• And LaDainian Tomlinson proves himself to be the best quarterback on the field today, hitting Antonio Gates for a touchdown ... that makes it 7-3 Chargers.

• Meanwhile, the Raiders have battled back to pull within three points, at 17-14. CBS has a special "Black Hole Cam," which is nice for the viewers at home who don't usually get a chance to see the lowest forms of human life. Watching this, I feel much like I do when I'm at the zoo, watching monkeys giggle while throwing shit at each other.

• The Juice is claiming that he can accurately gauge women's vaginal tightness by looking at certain other physical attributes ... I lack this gift. Someday, I'm going to have to get him to explain the system to me.

• Hey, the Raiders took the lead ... I think they could already consider this season more of a success than last year's.

• The Bears, now trailing 14-3, have a 4th and 1 to keep the drive and their hopes alive ... they give to Cedric Benson up the middle, and he's just going to have to settle for licking Jamal Williams' balls. That's going to just about do it for an ugly, ugly, Chargers/Bears game ... it was played pretty evenly, but turned on a couple of Bears turnovers.

• Also of note: it's the lowest amount of rushing yards that LaDainian Tomlinson has ever had at home. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, offensive mastermind ... Norv Turner.

• The Buccaneers, to whom I've totally stopped paying attention, trail now by 14 ... and some guy, as he's running towards the Seahawks 10, fumbles ... and that should just about end that one.

• Josh McCown, with the Raiders now down five, throws an interception to a defensive linemen ... and that should just about end that one, too.

• Wait, just one second ... the Raiders hold the Lions to a field goal, and trail by just 8 ... so they'll have a chance to tie it up. First play of the drive, McCown drops back ... is crushed, fumbles, and yes, now we're done here. Until next week.