After finishing 75 and 74 on the weekend, Garcia complained that the course is "too tricky" and not "fair" and something about mudballs in the fairway. Garcia was complaining before he even got to Augusta, he complained during the tournament and now he's complaining after, even trashing the sacred land of the Masters course. (As Padrig Harrington helpfully points out, it was one the easiest Masters setups in years.)

I find it hilarious whenever professional golfers cry that a course is "not fair." (You hear this a lot at the U.S. Open, which will often go to great lengths to baffle players.) First of all: you're all playing the same course, so every tournament is technically fair. Second: Aren't you supposed to be a professional? Third: Now you know how the rest of us feel, you big baby.

Golf is supposed to be a frustrating and obnoxious sport. You only do it to get out of the house and drink beer outside and drive those little carts around. The game itself is designed to crush your spirit and drive you mad. Ask any golfer—if it was easy, it wouldn't be fun.

So quite whining or go be an accountant. You know what really isn't fair? That fact no one got a free golf club this year because Sergio Garcia can't putt at Augusta.

Sergio Garcia is a Whiny Bitch [Legend OF Cecilio Guante]
No free drivers thanks to Sergio's sad finish [Examiner]

Yes, August National Golf Club is supposed to be a hallowed and reserved place, but when Tiger Woods sticks an approach shot, everyone gets in the mood to stick something. There isn't really a better aphrodisiac than a Woods-Mickelson pairing rallying from behind—so who wouldn't get a little randy in the gallery? Even Hootie Johnson approves.

Oh, and some fat guy from another country won the whole shebang in a three-way playoff, but I doubt anyone will remember that. Except maybe the other guy who bogeyed 17 and 18 when a par on either would have won it. He might remember that one for awhile.

Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson proved Augusta spark plugs [ESPN]
Perry shows grace, but late blunders again have to hurt [USA Today]
Cabrera's Win, Woods-Mickelson Duel Brings Life Back to Masters [Bloomberg]
Tossing Batting Practice
Angel Cabrera Is Your Master [Rumors and Rants]

Not only is Tiger Woods the greatest golfer on the planet, but his brain is bigger than a normal human's. If he's at plus-one for the day, that's only because he's biding his time for a back nine charge. Or his clavicle is broken, because that's only way to account for a hitch in swing. If something is preventing him from then we should all be really concerned about it. Whoever does end up winning this tournament—is it Greg Norman? An Asian guy maybe—is just lucky that he doesn't have to play head-to-head against Tiger, because then he would certainly be in trouble.

Anyway, click here for all your Tiger Woods updates. I'm sure he's doing very well. Or poorly. But either way, I'll know you'll care.

The Official Site of the Masters Tournament [Masters
Great Golfers' Brains Have More Gray Matter [Live Science]

And just because it's not every day I get two unrelated John Daly stories in the ol' inbox, here's a video of John Daly singing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" with Hootie and the Blowfish. Of course he is.

Daly hopes to resume his show, minus the circus [Golf.com]
John Daly Rocks "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" at Augusta with Hootie & The Blowfish. Wait, what... [LoCG]

TaylorMade Will Give You Free Golf Clubs (If Sergio Wins the Masters) [Dogs Chasing Cars]

Trevor Immelman, a South African who apparently once had a sort of lesion on his ribcage, outlasted Tiger Woods' late "charge" to win his first Masters, and for the second consecutive year, casual golf fans looked at their television, say Tiger Woods, shrugged and switched over to "Top Chef."

By the way, Tiger Woods finished second. You'd think he failed to make the cut or something. We'll never understand golf.

Well, potato chip-inhaling ruminator, there are. And thanks to the crew at The Meaningful Collateral, you can listen to the Masters theme as it was originally intended: with treacly words.

According to TMC, the song and lyrics were written by one Dave Loggins, less successful and more bearded brother of Footloose craftsman, Kenny. The lyrics were chopped by CBS because, well, they didn't want them. CBS missed out.

Flick a lighter and sway:

Well, it's springtime in the valley on Magnolia Lane
It's the Augusta National and the master of the game
Who'll wear that green coat on Sunday afternoon?
Who'll walk the 18th fairway singing this tune?
Augusta, your dogwoods and pines
They play on my mind like a song
Augusta, it's you that I love
And it's you that I'll miss when I'm gone.
It's Watson, Byron Nelson, Demaret, Player and Snead
It's Amen Corner and it's Hogan's perfect swing
It's Sarazen's double eagle at the 15 in '35
And the spirit of Clifford Roberts that keeps it alive
Augusta, your dogwoods and pines
They play on my mind like a song
Augusta, it's you that I love
And it's you that I miss when I'm gone.
It's the legions of Arnie's Army and the Golden Bear's throngs
And the wooden-shafted legend of Bobby Jones

I'm guessing CBS was a little paranoid about the "wooden-shafted legend" line.

Holy Fuck: The Masters' Theme Has Words [The Meaningful Collateral]

Still, it was strange to hear Jim Nantz on ESPN; imagine Stephen A. Smith on CBS, and you get a feel for the disconnect. (See, now there's an announcing team we'd enjoy!) But yes: When you watched Mike Tirico stare into the camera and wax rhapsodic about the glories of Augusta, it was plainly obvious why Berman wasn't asked to hang around for the first couple of days.

Anyway, there's more coverage this afternoon, though the tournament started, like, three hours ago. A bunch of people we don't know are teeing off. We must wait six more hours for the dulcet tones of Mike Tirico; if only ESPN had some sort of way to alert me how long it was until their coverage starts.

(Photo via Jason Sobel's blog.)

Last night, ESPN featured a little segment about a woman named, Jennifer Brown from Berkeley, who deduced through a series of smart-person algorithms and formulas that every single tournament Tiger Woods enters, the field plays one stroke over their course average. When he's on fire, they play two strokes over. Slate dove into this heady little theory last January. Yes, Tiger is so good, his mere presence makes other people screw up.

At the end of day one , Tiger is at even par, and the leaders are Justin Rose and some guy named Trevor Immelman. Woods is, as every single media outlet reporting this event says time and time again, "lurking."

ESPN Masters Coverage [ESPN]

This is The Masters, after all, and it is Very Serious. In an odd way, we kind of wish Berman were broadcasting The Masters; his signature brio and bluster might take the tournament down a notch. If Chris Berman is broadcasting your event, you can't be that fancy.

Not that The Masters isn't hip with the new technology; check out their hi-LARIOUS new official blogger.

We do miss Gary McCord, though we only know that because we play the Tiger Woods video game.

ESPN Experiencing The Slippery Slopes At Augusta [Washington Post]

Ponder this when musing over the upcoming Masters tournament, the first major and best golf weekend of the year: Is Tiger Woods the best in the world at what he does?

Think about that guy at your office that always overachieves, getting to work 20 minutes before you and buying that nice bottle of wine for the boss weeks before his wedding in Mexico (I hate you Tres). Is that guy better at his job than Tiger is at golf? There isn't a virgin's chance in Vegas.

Golf is a wind down sport, something people do to get away from their jobs, lives or spouses. It is a special sport that people can do when drinking, something Terrell Owens or David Wells Alex Rodriguez could never say about their profession. With the Masters, the perfect storm arises — a wind down sport happening at the perfect wind down time. After the two weeks of March Madness that pretty much has every sports fan in the nation wound up like a Joakim Noah dance, you get the splendor and peacefulness of an Augusta National golf tournament that defines serenity even down to the theme music that accompanies it.

Along with all the corny stuff I just wrote, you get a badass golf course with badass golfers. You have previous winners of Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods, but you also eat Champions Dinner with Fuzzy Zoeller, Seve Ballesteros and Freddie Couples. No matter what the fools that head Augusta do to the masterpiece, it still comes down to a back nine Sunday charge (ask Phil) or collapse (ask Norman, twice).

This year at the Masters is something special, with Tiger Woods nearing the "number one seed playing a 16 seed" status in the golf world, an area nobody has ever come close to first-pumping. When Tiger is in the field, everyone, and I mean everyone, knows if he doesn't win, he's going to be close. The guy is in a zone never seen by athletes, a place that is touched at times (see Federer, Roger) but seldom controlled. Tiger seems so comfortable at the top of the golf world that you'd almost expect him to be an average Joe Durant, making his millions while still finding privacy eating Baby Back Ribs at Chilis.

Fans have come to expect Tiger to do the unreal literally every week. The guy has found the perfect equation for professional golf: Ivy League smarts, Fortune 500 business sense, linebacker body, auditor work ethic and Buddhist-like comprehension equals success.

Starting Thursday, Tiger will have to bring all those to the table to beat the likes of Schmickelson, Geoff Ogilvy and Adam Scott. The talent of the field means anyone, and Zach Johnson means anyone, can take home a title any random week. Andy North (always a voice of reason) said Wednesday that he believed half the field in a major had no chance of winning, which I find in this day and age ridiculous. For example, find me ten people in this country that had Ben Curtis at the top of their 2003 British Open Office Pool and I'll have Will get a Bill Self tattoo.

This week should be special, and not just because it's a tradition like no other. You have a clear favorite in Tiger, which means a top notch golfer like Vijay Singh or Angel Cabrera could sneak out of the pack and take this thing right under El Tigre's nose. Will the pressure ever get to Tiger? Can he always rise to the occasion when needed? How smart was he to marry a wife with a replacement twin if need be? If Tiger wins on Sunday, gushing adjectives might need a vacation come Tuesday.

(Oh, and I'm picking Geoff Ogilvy and I don't think I've ever picked a winner correct in my life. Sorry Geoff.)

We never find this to be the case in golf, however; whenever Tiger Woods is close to the lead late, we find ourselves pulling for him. We're not sure why this is. It's not like we're particularly enamored of Tiger or anything. It's probably because the only way can make professional golf seem important to us is to have Tiger Woods be historically important. He needs to break records for majors because that's the only way we can justify spending part of an afternoon watching golf. If Zach Johnson wins, we feel like we probably should have been working on something else.

Don't get us wrong. We like the story of a guy who couldn't get a golf scholarship at Iowa winning the most recognizable golf tournament. But Zach Johnson? He sounds like one of the bad guys in a mid-80s college comedy.

Regardless. The Masters aren't meant for us anyway.

Local Iowa Boy Makes Good [Steroid Nation]

Johnson, with Jesus and his grandfather (Zach's, not Jesus's) pulling the strings from heaven, held off Tiger Woods and everybody else to earn himself a garish piece of green laundry. The winning total was +1, with Tiger Woods among a group of three in second place at +3.

It just wasn't Tiger day. He didn't have the normal swagger, the normal stare, the normal drive in his step. He was any average PGA Tour golfer today. Everything seemed awkward and forced, like the day was one long high-five with his caddy, except there was no joy behind it.

Unfortunately for Jim Nantz, the name Zach Johnson doesn't easily lend itself to trite puns. That's consecutive major sporting events for Nantz where he's been shut out in this respect. Would it kill the Lord to allow someone whose name rhymes with "green jacket" to win this thing sometime?

The Official Site of the Masters Tournament [Masters.org]

I had no idea that song had words. I liked it better before I discovered that earlier in the week ... and I didn't like it much then. It's nothing personal, but I want to beat that guy to death with a 9-iron.

Anyway, Phil Mickelson was decent enough not to tease us with any thoughts that he might contend in today's final round at The Masters. He was actually in decent enough shape to start the day, at +6, just four back of the leaders. He wasted no time eliminating himself from any hope of contention today, though, triple-bogeying the first hole and relieving me of the nightmare of having sit through an afternoon of his fake-ass smile.

The leaders have yet to tee off, but the scores today generally don't seem as outrageously high as yesterday. Sandy Lyle, Angel Cabrera, and Freddy Couples are all going to have under-par rounds already, whereas there was only one subpar round all of yesterday. They must've watered the course, made the pin placements a little easier, and removed all windmills from the greens.

The Official Site of the Masters Tournament [Masters.org]

Count me among those who think Augusta's kind of ruined its appeal by all but eliminating the possibility of birdies and eagles. It's like watching a football game in an arctic blizzard. It's fun to see every the players sliding around, the wind killing every pass or punt attempt, and no one staying on their feet for longer than 3 or 4 seconds, but eventually, you begin to remember that you like touchdowns. Yellow Chair Sports agrees.

But there's nothing Augusta can do to ruin the harmonious intonations of Jim Nantz. CBS's coverage begins right about now, so tune in because Jim Nantz goin' do it BIG... ALL DAY... AND ALL NIGHT. You have no idea what Jim Nantz means when he says that, but he goin' do it BIG. You don't know, but my boyz know — them Augusta boyz know — they know what Jim Nantz talkin' 'bout when he say he goin' do it big.

The Official Site of the Masters Tournament [Masters.org]

"I've never beaten him," Feherty insists. "He doesn't allow himself to lose anything, including his sense of fun. Going into the final day of last year's Buick Open, which would be his 50th win, I had assumed he was too preoccupied to remember we were tied in our juvenile contest at eight each. But when he came out of the scorer's tent, I offered him my hand, which he grasped, and I heard an almost imperceptible squeak. He looked me in the eye, and deadpanned, I win'. "

We will not deny that it brings us considerable relief and even a bit of cheer that the most dominant athlete in sports grasps the simple, sublime pleasures of a fart joke. In fact: Go Tiger! (Note: Vijay Singh has almost certainly never made a fart joke.)

Voice Of US Golf Has An Irish Accent [The Herald]

Yes, The Masters: When Jim Nantz soothes us into our afternoon naps, when we try to catch when John Daly is sneaking nips from his flask, when we giggle at Tiger Woods' attempts to high five another human being. Oh, and how's that campaign to get women playing here going? We haven't heard from Martha Burk in a while; maybe we should check in with her through Howell Raines.

Anyway, since we don't know much more about golf than "Tiger Woods" "John Daly" and "Au revoir, gopher," we asked Shane Bacon, purveyor of the Dogs That Chase Cars golf blog, to preview The Masters for us. He does so, with much aplomb, after the jump.

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There are three things that truly get me excited these days:

1. Anytime I get to watch George W. Bush pronounce words with more than four syllables.
2. The occasional chilled Tecate.
3. When the Masters music is played the first time.

With April comes Augusta, and all that makes it not only the best golf tournament in the world, but one of the best sporting events of our year. Combing the tradition that comes from one of the most public politically incorrect places in America with one of the best golf courses in the our great land always brings energy and never leaves us with a disappointing winner (ok, Mike Weir not withstanding).

The easy pick this year would be to draw up Mr. Tiger Woods. Sure, he's played in four tournaments and won two of them, finishing in the top 10 in the other and racking up just under 2.5 million dollars thus far. I know when he comes to Augusta at the top of his game he usually carves the place apart like my uncle does with the turkey after about five shooters on Thanksgiving. I completely understand that he is the best athlete in the world right now, making more than just about everyone (not counting Oprah) and doing all the right things at all the right time. The main reason I can't jump on that really comfortable bandwagon is that I continuously complain about "experts" picking the favorite. I know it's comfortable, but so are silk boxers and eating junk food as opposed to the occasional Healthy Choice. I believe that if I was a betting man, I'd take Tiger over the other top dogs - Phil Mickelson, Jim Furyk, Vijah Singh and Retief Goosen.

To go out on a limb, I'm going with Henrick Stenson over what others would consider a sleeper pick. I could never pick Charles Howell III (do they even make dress jackets in a 24 Regular?) or a foreign player like Luke Donald (looks like the guy that took my dry cleaning on Tuesday). I believe that Stenson is long enough to play the "new" Augusta and has already won enough not to get the late Sunday jitters. Plus, to be frank, he looks like a badass with the sunglasses on and seems like one of the few people that don't act like the son in "Ransom" when the kidnapper tries to take the check from Mel Gibson every single time Tiger Woods tees it up. I'm sure all that mental stability is because he's Swedish, but lets just leave my early pick at Stenson. Long hitter, does the little things well and has already been in the winner circle as many times as Mickelson in five less events.

With the Final Four flaming out on Monday and the Masters beginning just three days later, you could argue that the best two sporting events in our pitiful year will occur in the same week. I believe that you could attach a golfing star to each of the teams in a company pool and have a little wager. I believe that Tiger is your best fit to a team like Florida (already won, plays well when it counts, both can dance really well). I think that a guy like Howell III would fit the UCLA mold (nobody even talks about them as a contender even though they have been there before). Georgetown would be your Ernie Els (big, nasty, plays hard and doesn't really show it), and Ohio State would fill in your Geoff Ogilvy (extremely young but keeps notching the wins and scares the hell out of most everyone else).

With that comparison thankfully over, the Masters are soon upon us and the talk of azaleas and second cut will be in our vocabulary for the next four days. So stock up on pimento cheese sandwiches and Michelob Ultra (you can even pour one out for the artist formerly known as Sergio) as the best in the world attempt to win that colored jacket that everyone wants in their closet.