The Dregs Of Week 17

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday, except for today, when it runs on Wednesday. Do enjoy.

• You know what's on at 1:00 today? Loads and loads of meaningless bullshit. New Orleans is the only team with something to play for, and there's only an outside chance that that one will mean something. Today is a good day for a nap.

• But then you'd miss out on CBS's heavy promotion of this new game show, where people go on TV, get hooked up to a polygraph, and are forced to expose their deep, dark secrets. "If you were sure you wouldn't be caught, would you cheat on your wife?" Let me save you the trouble, sweetheart ... yeah, he would. And now that we've broken up a happy marriage and destroyed two lives, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors!

The NFL From The Ice Planet Hoth

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• By 12:45, two unusual things have happened today. 1) I got a phone call from my brother who just had a cigarette with Jim Leyland outside of Heinz Field ... and 2) Jason Krause is on the Sunday NFL Countdown set, running some kind of route against Mike Ditka.

• One disappointing thing that has not yet happened today: Mike Ditka did not forget where he was and crack Jason Krause's head open. I'm going to write Ditka a letter and tell him that Krause stole money from the NFLPA Pension Fund to buy baseball cards.

There Is Only One Philip Rivers

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• I'm sitting at the bar, alone for the early games. It's just me and a guy who has never tended bar before in his life. Muff Stubble Girl walks by and I do an active search for downstairs stubble. None is found. She is a master with the razor.

Praising Thigpen, Blasting Gibbs

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• There's a sign at the little Sean Taylor fan memorial that has a picture of Taylor with the words, "GIVE TOM LANDRY HELL" next to it. Assuming that the signmaker believes Sean Taylor's in heaven (and I've got to think that differing viewpoints would be rare in DC right now) ... can you do that? If you're in heaven, can you give someone hell? I've got to think that's frowned upon up there.

The Stent Wars Are Heating Up

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• Because I'm running a little bit late, I missed "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause." Now, I'm probably going to go all day without wanting to kick a 10-year-old in the balls.

• Glancing over the schedule, it jumps out at me that no good teams are playing this afternoon. At least, none of the best teams in the league ... the Patriots take place in the ritual Sunday Night Assrape tonight against the Eagles, the Colts, Cowboys and Packers played on Thursday and the Steelers play on Monday night. I guess I can settle for the Browns, Giants and Jags.

The People You Meet At The Sports Bar

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• The waitress this week is cute enough, but wearing a Brady Quinn jersey. I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe she's from Cleveland, maybe she thinks he's really cute, I don't know. I just hope I'm here when she starts grabbing dicks.

• I'm pretty sure this is an accident ... but I can see four games, but I'm getting audio from the Baltimore/Cleveland game, which is not one of the four games I can see. Every time Ian Eagle raises his voice, I look around to see what's happening, and all I see are people standing around. This is going to drive me fucking insane.

The NFC Is Delicious And Nutritional

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• Is it me, or does it seem like almost every single week, at least 70 percent of the games on the NFC schedule are unclean anus? There are so many teams in the NFL this year that are either bad, or not quite bad but still unpleasant to watch ... it seems like it's almost impossible to have a good slate of games.

• Fortunately, in a place like this, where you can watch seven TVs, you only need one or two of them to turn out decent, and you can be thoroughly entertained. The NFL has a nice little system that way. Two decent games, and maybe one remarkable individual performance, and that's all anyone will talk about. No one will even remember all the shit vs. shit, vomit vs. shit, and non-shit vs. shit matchups.

Ground Bacon Burgers For All

Nothing Better Than Sports Bar Trash Talk

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• For some reason, one of the 70-inch TVs is set on double-zoom mode, and I'm getting an outstanding look at Emmitt Smith's graying stubble and Mike Ditka's dental work. Mike, next time you see your dentist, please congratulate him/her on the fantastic work they did on your maxillary lateral incisor. You can't even tell that you once bit into a lead pipe because you thought it was a popsicle.

• Late-breaking news from Rachel Nichols on the Dolphins/Giants game in London ... Jay Feely has Plaxico Burress in his fantasy line-up. Please adjust your ... actually, I have no idea what you're supposed to do with that information.

Who Doesn't Love Joey Porter?

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• Awesome ... someone brought their baby to the bar with them today. I'm going to estimate the age of the child at 2, though I'm terrible at gauging such things. You know what I am good at, though? Teaching children profanity. I've sold instructional videos on how to get 18-month-old babies to say things like, "Toss my salad, dickwad." I'm great with kids, what can I say? Today, I'm making it my mission to have this child's first words be "Tom Brady is an asshole." I think the parents deserve it. A baby in a sports bar on a Sunday ... is nothing sacred?

• Kenny Mayne gets some chuckles for his Countdown segment with Marshawn Lynch, detailing a typical night out on the town for Lynch in Buffalo: Applebee's, then Dave & Busters, and then, if it's a really crazy night ... back to Applebee's. This has to make the Bills a very attractive option for potential free agents.

On The Jets, Kermit The Frog And Vinny

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• After a very informative Kermit the Frog feature (apparently, 10-year-olds are running the whole damn show now), ESPN's Countdown gives us a glimpse of the Jets throwback uniforms. I don't dislike them ... it's a solid Navy/Gold combination, and I dig the concept of throwbacks ... but the Gastineau-era Jets jerseys would've sufficed, wouldn't they? I wish they didn't have to throw it back to a time you have to be older than Berman to remember.

• Meanwhile, on the FOX pregame show, Jay Glazer's got video footage of Joey Porter (as well as three douchebags dumb enough to be friends of Joey Porter) beating the hell out of Levi Jones at The Palms in Vegas. It's pretty much exactly as Levi Jones described it ... four guys attacked him at a blackjack table, and beat his ass all the way over to a roulette table. It wasn't a fight, it was a gang beating. If anyone needed reason No. 7,592 to hate Joey Porter, there it is ... he's the type of guy who will jump you with three of his friends.

A Special Kind Of Pain

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• Starting your NFL Sunday by seeing a 10-year-old reading ESPN-written material poking fun at your favorite team ... that's a special kind of pain.

• I'll refrain from saying anything bad about the 10-year-old ... there's got to be boundaries somewhere, and you know, he's not so bad. Maybe ESPN saw him and thought he combined the best elements from FOX's pregame show ... Terry Bradshaw's 4th-grade reading level and Jillian Barberie's lack of public hair.

Roll, Daunte, Roll

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• On the CBS pregame, Dan Marino is hammering David Carr for wearing white gloves when he came on in relief of Jake Delhomme ... these fucking Isotoner endorsers think they know everything about gloves, but let me ask you this, Marino ... if David Carr didn't wear white gloves, to whom would Big Tom Callahan sell ketchup popsicles?

• So the Rams are taking the field today with a quarterback with broken ribs and a white starting running back. I don't think the Elias sporting bureau has official stats on such things, but I'm willing to bet that the all-time record of teams with white running backs and QBs with broken ribs is well below .500.

Norv, Baby, Norv

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• I'm running a little late today ... I usually like to get here about an hour before kickoff, but I don't make it today until about 12:30. The place is full ... no tables available. So I'm sitting at the bar, by myself, and I have to turn back over my shoulder to watch the Chargers/Patriots game at about an 80-degree angle ... which feels great, since I sunburned the hell out of my neck yesterday. So yeah, I should be in a good mood all afternoon.

• FOX's pregame show is doing a segment on the "sportsmanship" of the Cowboys opting to not punt the ball to Devin Hester. I can't believe this is an issue. What is unsportsmanlike about not wanting Devin Hester to singlehandedly beat you? If you're a Bears fan, and you want to call the Cowboys pussies, fine ... I'd do the same. But unsportsmanlike? Isn't part of sportsmanship trying your hardest to win the game? I don't see much unsportsmanlike about trying to take away your opponent's biggest (and only) threat.

Spending Sunday With ... Chris Henry?

The Mighty MJD's Smorgasbord runs every Monday. Do enjoy.

• Before we even get to the bar today, I glance the news that OJ Simpson is probably going to be arrested soon in connection with an armed robbery. Can you believe this guy? Where did he ever get the idea that he was above the law? Oh, wait.

• Good news ... our waitress today has a fantastic body, and she is not shy about using it as a customer-relations tool. She's flirting and flipping her hair and making sure I have a clear, unobstructed view of her belly button.

• There's a guy here in an Odell Thurman jersey ... the perfect jersey for the man who wants to make the statement, "I fully embrace all illegal activities." The chances of someone being assaulted in here today just went up by about 75 percent.

Welcoming Back The Smorgasbord

Longtime sports blog aficionados will remember the weekly Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord, a real-time account of a full Sunday of NFL action by the great Mighty MJD. We are humbled and honored to welcome it back to the Internets, on our little site here, starting today. Take it away, MJD.

Hello, and welcome to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord. If you aren't familiar with the concept, it's a collection of the highlights and lowlights of my day spent at a local sports bar, watching more football than any person should ever watch at one time. If you'd like, you can check out previous years of the Smorgasbord here and get a feel for things.

• About a year ago, this bar added on another huge room ... partly because it was getting too busy, and partly because they wanted to separate the Giants, Eagles and Redskins fans from the rest of the normal, decent people. This new room is where we are today. The good news: There are more TVs. The bad news: There are also more assholes.

• The pregame shows are on, but I can't hear a fucking thing over the parade of Neanderthals in Shockey jerseys.

• Dan Dierdorf lists as one of the keys to the Redskins/Dolphins game, "CAMPBELL: WILL HE BE MMM, MMM, GOOD?" I've never before seen a quarterback judged on his taste, and I applaud Dan Dierdorf for taking this bold step as a journalist.

• There are eight different games I can see ... but my neck and eyes are not in game shape. It's been 7 or 8 months since I've attempted this. I can't make sense of anything that's happening yet. I think there's a reason people don't typically watch eight TVs at one time.