• You know what's on at 1:00 today? Loads and loads of meaningless bullshit. New Orleans is the only team with something to play for, and there's only an outside chance that that one will mean something. Today is a good day for a nap.

• But then you'd miss out on CBS's heavy promotion of this new game show, where people go on TV, get hooked up to a polygraph, and are forced to expose their deep, dark secrets. "If you were sure you wouldn't be caught, would you cheat on your wife?" Let me save you the trouble, sweetheart ... yeah, he would. And now that we've broken up a happy marriage and destroyed two lives, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors!

• I believe I've mentioned him before, but there's a fellow here in a Bernie Kosar jersey. Today, he's sharing a table with a young lady in a Ben Roethlisberger jersey ... I think it's sweet to see two people united by a love of quarterbacks who throw numerous passes that end with the Steelers scoring touchdowns.

• While we're on the subject of jerseys, there's a guy in the crowd in Cleveland who's gone to the trouble of cutting Browns and Colts jerseys in half, and then sewing them together. Terrific investment. I'm sure he'll have many opportunities to wear that.

• Bad news for Derek Anderson ... after throwing 4 interceptions last week, he throws one on the opening drive this week. Given Anderson's contract status, everyone in Ohio's erection for Brady Quinn, and the Browns wobbly playoff status, this could be the end of the short-lived Derek Anderson era in Cleveland. I'd hate to see it end on a down note.

• The Bears are also experiencing a reversal of fortune over the past two weeks, but in the opposite way of Derek Anderson. They jump out to a 10-0 lead over the Saints.

• The waitress today is either new or doesn't usually work the Sunday shift ... she has jugs that are sizable and shapely, and sort of a porn-star look about her. I like her. And she seems really sweet too. This gets me to thinking about porn stars, and how many of them would probably seem like kind, sweet people if you just met them randomly. And many of them probably are kind, sweet people ... I just wonder how much my opinion of someone would change if I met someone like that, and out of the blue, she told me, "Oh, to earn a living, I take semenblasts in the face on film." I hope I wouldn't be too judgmental.

• This is not meant to imply that I believe my waitress takes semenblasts in the face, on film or otherwise. I think it's important to clear that up.

• Anyway, back to football ... the 49ers/Browns and Bears/Saints game are on adjacent televisions, and right now we're going through a period where Chris Weinke and Kyle Orton are both under center. It's a rather brutal assault on the eyes ... this is what's wrong with Week 17 football. The bar could probably save some money on the Sunday Ticket package and just hire a couple of homeless guys to stand up there and throw shit at my eyes for the next three hours, and it would have the same effect.

• In Green Bay, there are three young ladies in the stands in yellow bikinis, and they have some sort of sign that reads, "Brett, you can take your pick" and then something else after that that I don't catch ... I don't know if Brett is entitled to take his pick of the three women, or it's just one of the women, and he has his pick of orifice ... no idea, but I think it's a nice gesture either way.

• By the way, what percentage of women in Green Bay, married or otherwise, would not fuck Brett Favre? That number's gotta be low.

• Favre, in a nice bit of timing, hits Bubba Franks with a touchdown pass. On his way over to the sidelines, Favre sort of forces an official to slap him five on the way off the field ... that looks professional. The official had this "you son of a bitch, you're going to get me in trouble" kind of smile on his face.

• Braylon Edwards catches a touchdown pass from Derek Anderson ... in his post-TD celebration, he was flagged for excessive celebration. They show him on the sidelines complaining, as a coach talks to him, and you can see him end his little rant with, "FUCK HIM."

• That catch by Edwards, by the way, broke the Browns single-season receiving yardage record, previously held by Webster Slaughter. Webster Slaughter is one of the all-time fantastic names in sports.

• Derek Anderson banged his thumb and wrist on somebody's helmet, and he's headed off to the locker room. Brady Quinn is notified that he'll have to stop grabbing dicks for a few minutes and start warming up.

• The hair on Kyle Orton's soul patch area hangs down over his chinstrap. This creates an odd visual.

• I don't know who's calling the Browns/49ers game, but he refers to this as "the start of the Brady Quinn era." That's a little premature, and not entirely respectful of Derek Anderson, is it not? We're automatically closing the door on Derek Anderson, just because the handsome Notre Dame lad is entering a game? I guess that's how you end up with a quarterback history that includes names like Tomczak, Philcox, Testaverde, Zeier, Couch, Detmer, Wynn, Holcomb, Garcia, Dilfer and Frye.

• And a rousing standing ovation for Brady Quinn as he enters the game. More nonsense from the analyst: "Browns fans have been waiting for this all year." I guess these are the Browns fans who prefer 4-12 to 10-6. I'm not anti-Quinn, I promise ... but through Derek Anderson's 29 TD passes and 3,787 yards this season, have people really been waiting on pins and needles for Brady Quinn?

• Okay, now I am anti-Quinn. I'm sorry. I've enjoyed the resurgence of the Browns under Derek Anderson this year, and I think this is bullshit.

• Quinn's first pass attempt is a screen, and it is off by about three yards.

• He's finding a little bit of a groove, however, and has hit three straight completions. As someone waiting eagerly for the opportunity to yell, "Nice throw, cunt," this displeases me.

• And there's a Brady Quinn touchdown pass. Fuck.

• I didn't mention the first one, but when a man returns two consecutive kickoffs for touchdowns, I think that's noteworthy. Texans WR/new star kick returner Andre Davis is a badass.

• The FOX studio crew is doing some highlights and putting on their overexcited schtick ... The Greek theorizes that there are some major self-confidence problems on the set, and it's all an act of overcompensation. I bring up that Terry Bradshaw, as a young man in Pittsburgh, actually did have major self-confidence problems, mainly regarding the fact that he was, or was at least believed to be, quite dumb. Says The Greek, "Man, if you feel dumb in Pittsburgh..."

• During the Browns/49ers game, they have a list of goals that Kellen Winslow had written down prior to the season on a piece of notebook paper. Kellen Winslow writes like a bitch.

• I should point out that I, myself, have been accused of writing like a girl ... but I think my penmanship is more like that of a sophisticated, stylish woman, while Winslow's is more like a junior high school girl. I don't know why this makes me feel better about myself.

• Highlight from a game I'm not seeing: the Dolphins fumble a snap, the Bengals pick it up and take it about 50 yards to the endzone. The camera goes to Bill Parcells, watching from a booth upstairs, rolling his eyes with a "holy fuck, what have I gotten myself into" look on his face.

• Matt Jones — he's a receiver for the Jaguars — has 8 receptions for 138 yards and a touchdown. I do believe that this is the first time I've ever seen Matt Jones play well.

• CBS has been running ads all day for the Brut Sun Bowl. Two questions ... 1) Why isn't it called the Brut Sun Bowl, by Faberge? 2) In the gift bag for that particular bowl, is there actually a bottle of Brut cologne? If so ... prepare to be rendered helpless by the aroma of virile masculinity, ladies of South Florida and Oregon.

• Hey, Soulja Boy is going to be doing a live performance on FOX on New Years Eve. I wonder what song he'll do. For a big occasion like this, I bet he's going to dig pretty deep into his catalogue.

• Well hello, Muff Stubble Girl. She's arrived for the 4:00 shift ... and she walks over, puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "Hi, honey." Impure thoughts follow.

• FOX gives us an extreme close-up of an official's hand. It's from a game that I can't hear, so I have no idea why they're doing it. I learn two things, though ... officials wear NFL-issues watches, and this gentleman is badly in need of some moisturizer.

• Sign at the Bears game: "Beating the Packers twice makes the New Year nice." That's great ... you were in the Super Bowl last year, and you're going to be 7-9. Congrats on those two wins, though. I'm sure the Packers are jealous.

• A fellow has just arrived wearing a yellow, black and white camouflage Ben Roethlisberger jersey. I can't stop looking at it ... I think it's the single ugliest article of clothing I've ever seen. Even now, hours later, the image is so vivid in my mind. I can't believe that we, as a society, have allowed this to happen.

• Saints running back Pierre Thomas is having a huge day. That guy's lucky.

• Drew Brees drops back, and someone commits a holding penalty in the endzone ... that's going to be a safety, and that's going to bring to a close the Saints season. That was a disappointment.

• The Raiders/Chargers game is getting underway, and in an effort to break him in slowly, and let him get a feel for the game, the Raiders open by calling a screen pass for JaMarcus Russell. It is intercepted by defensive end Igor Olshansky.

• One of Phil Simms' keys for Baltimore today against Pittsburgh: "Play the game straight." Good advice. Do not play the game gay.

• LaDainian Tomlinson scores against the Raiders, almost simultaneous to a Ravens touchdown against the Steelers ... and hey, enjoy the 4-seed, Pittsburgh. Tell Jacksonville I said what's up.

• Jim Nantz is enthralled by Ray Lewis' presence on the sidelines, praising him for "staying active in the game, even though he's not playing." He gets credit for watching the game now? What do you expect him to do, Jim Nantz, wrap himself in an electric blanket and get a pedicure on the bench?

• Just minutes later, Nantz is praising Ben Roethlisberger for the same thing ... "staying active in the game." Jim Nantz is fascinated by people who aren't playing, but still watch the game. I can only imagine what he'd say if he were sitting here in the bar, watching me ... I'd be his fucking hero.

• JaMarcus Russell drops back, and this one bounces off of Antonio Cromartie's chest.

• The Ravens have a little band at their games, and the camera swings by them as CBS comes back from commercial ... and one of the guys enthusiastically holds up his sheet music. "YEAH, THAT WAS AN A-FLAT, MOTHERFUCKER!"

• Vikings wide receiver Troy Williamson is wide open by 10 yards in all directions, and Tarvaris Jackson throws a strike ... and it just slides right through his hands. Oh, that's disgraceful ... I hope you've enjoyed your time as a Viking, dickface.

• Cowboys kicker Nick Folk has a field goal attempt blocked by somebody's armpit.

• Philip Rivers is looking deep to Chris Chambers ... and Chambers goes up and snags it out of the air, much like every receiver will have to do if he wants to catch a Philip Rivers pass. I don't remember arm strength being an issue with Phil ... why is it that every pass he throws is such a fucking rainbow anymore? And why has this problem persisted for 17 weeks?

• Jay Cutler drops back to throw, and has the pass batted straight into the air at the line of scrimmage ... he attempts to bat it down into the ground, and completely whiffs on it. I am never inviting him to be on my beach volleyball team.

• I think Pam Oliver is wearing a West Coast Choppers ski cap.

• Stats of note: Rushing yards: Ravens 171, Steelers 26. First downs: Redskins 11, Cowboys 0. I understand that neither of those teams are at full strength, but still, especially in the case of the Steelers ... those are not positive indicators for playoff success.

• JaMarcus Russell (who had actually rebounded to put together a fairly decent game) fumbles in the endzone, and the Chargers fall on it to make it 24-10 ... and at the same time, Troy Smith gets into the endzone for the Ravens to make that game 27-7. Any chance the Steelers had at avoiding Jacksonville in the first round has officially died.

• Clinton Portis gets in the endzone again for the Redskins. It's not a huge surprise that the Redskins are winning this game, since the Cowboys have nothing to play for, but again ... I am surprised that they're beating ass like this. Rushing yards are currently 128-to-1 in favor of Washington.

• And with absolutely zero drama this afternoon, I'm going to call it a day, and a regular season.

• By 12:45, two unusual things have happened today. 1) I got a phone call from my brother who just had a cigarette with Jim Leyland outside of Heinz Field ... and 2) Jason Krause is on the Sunday NFL Countdown set, running some kind of route against Mike Ditka.

• One disappointing thing that has not yet happened today: Mike Ditka did not forget where he was and crack Jason Krause's head open. I'm going to write Ditka a letter and tell him that Krause stole money from the NFLPA Pension Fund to buy baseball cards.

• This has the potential to be a boring Smorgasbord ... I'm going to do what I can for you, but right now, I am one of three people in the room. I'll have little outside help. I think it's the weather that's keeping people away. The forecast calls for this particular area to be a Japanese girl's face, and for a record-setting bukkake snowstorm to coat us this afternoon.

• Whatever storm is coming this way, though, it hit Cleveland first. It looks like they're playing this one on whatever planet it was where Han Solo cut open that big snow horse and shoved Luke inside it. Don't most places cover the field? There's gotta be four or give inches of snow on the ground, even before kickoff. It's a shame they're playing Buffalo and not some warm weather team that might just quit.

• So, the Patriots play the Jets today ... I heard Eric Mangini and Bill Belichick used to be friends or something. It's a shame the Jets aren't better, because this would be a reasonably exciting storyline if it revolved around a game that might be competitive. It's kind of like the WWF spent months building up an Ultimate Warrior vs. Brad Mulkey main event for SummerSlam.

• The ref is making some kind of a call in the Cleveland/Buffalo game, and you can't even fucking see him. Weather like this is where it's going to come in handy to have Brady Quinn on the roster. No one warms teammates packages better than Brady Quinn. No one.

• Pittsburgh's not off to a good start ... their first drive ends with them punting after failing to pick up a 3rd and 16, and now the Jags have ripped off three straight runs of about 6 yards each.

• Kellen Clemens is dead. The media's blaming it on his lifestyle, but I think Richard Seymour just killed him. Seymour devoured his own man, pasted Clemens to the turf, and the wobbler of a pass that ensued was intercepted for an easy Pats touchdown.

• And with this, the Patriots fans start throwing gobs of snow up into the air en masse. This would be cute if it was anyone else doing it.

• The Jets respond as if they have a chance today, though. They end up driving down into the New England red zone, and have a 4th and 2 at New England's 17. Mangini opts against the field goal and goes for it with a Brad Smith gadget play. The word "incomplete" doesn't do justice to exactly how far that was from being a completion.

• Uh-oh ... the Bills long snapper just sailed one over Brian Moorman's head, as if the blizzard didn't make things hard enough on the punters in that game. Moorman chases the ball back to the goal line, and just boots it out of the back of the endzone. That's probably the right call ... I doubt he would've had time to pick the ball up and make a play on it. But even if it wasn't, and he had all the time in the world, I don't blame him for just taking the safety. There's a time to be a hero, and there's a time to say, "Fuck you, asshole. If you're going to snap it over my head, we'll take safeties all fucking day. I'm not getting killed because you're incompetent."

• And the Jets block a Patriots punt ... we've got punt foibles galore. The Jets turn it into a touchdown, and it's 10-7 Pats.

• New policy: today's Smorgasbord is 100 percent about punting. Brian Moorman pulls one down on the fake and runs for a Buffalo first down.

• This is getting ridiculous ... the Patriots return the favor and block a Jets punt, and take the ball at the three yard-line. Laurence Maroney will plunge that into the endzone to make it 17-10.

• I imagine that this is a product of the writers strike, but there seems to be a proliferation of game shows these days. There are enough that Drew Carey's hosting two (one of which is being heavily pimped on CBS today — by the way, has anyone hosted two game shows simultaneously since Alex Trebek did Jeopardy and Classic Concentration?), and Mike Greenberg is hosting one. I stopped watching game shows a long time ago ... I don't know if it was because I turned nine and realized that game shows are inherently brainless, or if it was just because they stopped making new episodes of Card Sharks. But I'd really like for this to continue long enough for Stephen A. Smith to get his own game show. That could be fun.

• Breaking news: Rich Rodriguez is leaving West Fuckin' Virginia for Michi-Fuckin'-Gan. Nah, that doesn't work very well ... let's just call them West Fuckin' Virginia North, since they keep stealing WVU's coaches.

• Kurt Warner must've heard the Rich Rodriguez news, and he's taking it as hard as I am. He's laying into some coordinator on the sidelines. I've never seen Kurt behave this way before ... and so close to Jesus's birthday! The devil has a hold on him.

• While I've spent the last 20 thinking about violent crimes I'd like to commit against Rich Rodriguez and his family, the Jaguars have been mouthfucking (that was one of them) the Steelers for about that same period of time. David Garrard just hit Reggie Williams in the endzone after Ernest Wilford set a Ben Wallace-quality screen for him. 17-7, Jags.

• Check that. 16-7, Jags. They mangled the extra point.

• You know one of the things I like about cold weather football, other than watching it from a warm sports bar? Those big jackets they wear over their pads. I've always thought those looked kind of bad-ass. The Browns are sporting jackets today that have some old-ass logo on them. I think it's this guy. These might be the same jackets they were rocking in the 60s.

• The Jags have the ball back, and David Garrard is looking deep for Dennis Northcutt ... and oh dear, the rough stretch for Steelers safety Anthony Smith continues. That was his play to make, and he did not make it. 23-7, Jaguars.

• Check that ... 22-7. They fucked up the extra point again.

• Another Steelers drive stalls ... and most fans in the building are either streaming out of the exits or staying and booing. Hm. This is the kind of behavior that Steelers fans like to make fun of other fans for.

• Meanwhile, the Jets find themselves down just 7 with 6:00 to play ... Marty Jannetty has found a way to compete with the Warrior.

• And now we've got some life for Pittsburgh, too. Anthony Smith intercepts a pass (maybe he won't be cut until next week) and puts a decent return on it. The Steelers are not dead.

• Hines Ward finishes off the drive for the Steelers. What looked like a Jags runaway is now 22-14. Several Steelers fans remain to see it.

• Brett Favre just broke the all-time record for passing yards (makes masturbatory motion).

• The Steelers would have a better chance at a comeback here if there was anything they could do about Fred Taylor. The Jaguars offensive line is just laying the lumber to the Steelers, and Taylor is running like a beast.

• Leon Washington returns a kick for the Jets and he breaks it out across the 50-yard line. And tack on 15-yards on some Patriots guy, for being an asshole ... the Jets are down 10 with 3:21 to go, but they're in business.

• A couple of plays later, Chad Pennington's looking in the back of the endzone for Justin McCareins ... TOUCHDOWN. It's 20-17, now ... unless ... aw, fuck. They're going to overturn that.

• So the Jets look to get at least a field goal out of that drive ... they'd be down a touchdown with about 2:00 to play. Here comes The Nuge, from 35 yards. Yanked it left. So long, Marty Jannetty.

• This does give CBS the opportunity, however, to present us with the Mangini/Belichick handshake montage. I don't think I've ever seen anything like this ... if you like to see grown men briefly making hand contact and then walking in separate directions, this is for you.

• Here's my prediction for the Mangini/Belichick handshake. They'll walk towards each other, shake hands for roughly one second, and then walk in different directions. Let's see how this one plays out ...

• BINGO! I nailed that ... except that Bill Belichick was smiling this time. But come on, I can't be expected to predict facial expressions.

• Meanwhile, Pittsburgh continues to swallow a steady diet of Fred Taylor's intense deviant masculinity. The Jaguars are just beating Pittsburgh up along the line ... it's been a great comeback from Pittsburgh, and Large Benjamin's made some plays, but ... they need a stop here, and they're powerless to get it.

• Bills receiver Roscoe Parrish fails to come up with a catch in the endzone, and then gets drilled in the shoulder with a snowball. I'm not advocating fans throwing snowballs at players, but that was awesome. I guess I actually am advocating throwing snowballs at players. Go to games and throw snowballs at players. Please.

• Fred Taylor busts through the line ... 12 yards for the TD, and that'll just about put this one to bed. The Steelers, muscled out of their own house. I am in awe, Jaguars.

• Holy fuck, Miami's alive ... I had no idea. Matt Stover just missed a 44-yarder that would've won it for the Ravens, and we've got overtime, baby.

• You know, I thought I wanted Miami to go 0-16 ... I thought it would be a cute little novelty. But today, watching them get so close, seeing them want it so bad ... I can't help but think of Crazy Fish Guy, and wonder what he's doing right now. I haven't seen him in over a year. I'm assuming he's dead, because ... I don't know, nothing else really makes sense. WIN IT FOR CRAZY FISH GUY, YOU LOSER MOTHERFUCKERS.

• GREG CAMARILLO. GREG CAMARILLO. GREG CAMARILLO.

• Cleo Lemon just hit Greg Camarillo over the middle, and hopefully, Crazy Fish Guy was somewhere to see it. I feel so warm inside ... if you could see me right now, there'd be a fuzzy thought bubble above my head, with Crazy Fish Guy's goofy face inside it, and I'd be smiling like an idiot. I feel wonderful.

• The 4:00 games are underway ... a fellow named Schobel for the Eagles just went over the middle and took a brutal shot to the head, and then stayed sprawled out on the turf motionless for a few minutes. Later, we'll get a sideline report saying he suffered "what the Eagles have determined to be a head injury." That's a great medical staff they have there. House couldn't have done it better himself.

• The Chargers actually look sharp in a first quarter ... LaDainian Tomlinson reaches endzone at the end of a Tomlinson-dominated drive, and this might be the first good first quarter Philip Rivers has had all year. This is what I was expecting, Norv Turner.

• Actually, that's not true ... this is what I'd have expected under Marty Schottenheimer. What I expected from Norv Turner was ... I don't know, Philip Rivers to drop back and soil himself on every third play.

• David Akers is going to start breaking field goal posts. They're going to have to reinforce those things when he's in town.

• Ugh ... the joy of the Dolphins win has been ruined. CBS has a postgame shot of Joey Porter leading one of those "let's all get in a circle and jump around" things. I hate to see that man happy. If you could see me now, there'd be a thought bubble above my head, and in this bubble, Crazy Fish Guy would be stabbing Joey Porter to death ... also, Cleo Lemon and Greg Camarillo are in the background showering, and I can't really explain that part of the thought bubble, but I ask that you not read too much into it.

• Eagles receiver Reggie Brown runs out of room on the sidelines, and hops into the big Salvation Army bin on the sidelines. He hopped out quickly, though ... I think he found one of the Reid kids in there with his arm tied off and a syringe on the floor.

• LaDainian gets in again ... and this is what it looks like when your playoff hopes are crushed, Denver. 17-0 Bolts.

• Meanwhile, Jon Kitna is being intercepted at an incredible pace ... between this and the Warner outburst on the sidelines, it's been a really bad day for religious zealot quarterbacks. I guess the pressure of Christ's birthday approaching can wear on anyone.

• FOX has shown Jessica Simpson roughly 217 times in the last five minutes. She's in a luxury box wearing one of those pink jerseys ... the way Romo's playing, he might as well be wearing one, too. If he finds it difficult to perform when she's around, it's going to be a detriment to both the Dallas Cowboys, and to Jessica Simpson's chances at sexual gratification.

• LaDainian Tomlinson currently has 15 carries for 116 yards ... and at the end of this drive, Phil Rivers is going to find Brandon Manumaleuna in the endzone to make it 34-7.

• Due to the lack of patronage, I've been thrown out of the downstairs area ... but it looks like I should've been upstairs the whole time, anyway. It's poppin' up here. A black guy and a white guy are in a loud, hostile argument about the merits of Donovan McNabb, and this one breaks down straight along race lines. I don't think McNabb's the second coming or anything, but ... the white guy is arguing that the Raiders would not be any better if Donovan McNabb was their quarterback. Kill whitey.

• These two assheads continue to argue at the top of their lungs ... a waitress comes buy and asks a friend of the McNabb guy if he needs anything, and he goes, "Yeah ... tell him to shut the fuck up." She goes and grabs the McNabb supporter by the shoulders and says, "Shut the fuck up!" The service in this place is unbelievable sometimes.

• McNabb's "friend" looks over at us now and says, "Get ready to see the funniest shit you've ever seen. Just wait until he gets up again."

• The Eagles score, and McNabb gets up the celebrate ... and when he tries to sit back down, his "friend" yanks the chair out from under him, and he crashes to the floor. Not the funniest thing I've ever seen ... but yeah, that was damn funny. And potentially dangerous ... that seems like it could fuck a guy up, doesn't it?

• Anyway, these two engage in a little wrestling match ... McNabb is grabbing the other guy's hat, and the guy keeps saying, "Get your dirty dick rubbers off of my hat."

• McNabb guy leaves the room ... and his friend stands up on his chair and takes a bow to the rest of the room.

• The Raiders fan who was arguing about McNabb before, by the way, has taken his hat off ... and he's got a mohawk. I'm guessing that Raiders fans with mohawks don't win a whole lot of arguments. Or anything else, for that matter ... perhaps the occasional prison boxing match.

• Thankfully, the Chargers game is a blowout, so I don't have to pay great attention to it ... there's been quite a show in here. At the same time all of this was going on, some guy just had to have the Devils/Flyers hockey game on, and he's treating it as if it's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Anytime Philadelphia scores or does something positive, he tries to get McNabb guy excited about ... because they're both Philly guys, I guess. It couldn't be more obvious that McNabb could give a fuck about hockey, but the other guy won't let it go.

• The Flyers fan, by the way, just detailed his salary and benefits package to everyone in the fucking room.

• Also upstairs: Muff Stubble Girl. We've seen so much of each other this season that she's calling me "honey," and "sweetie" now ... and I feel terrible because I call her "Muff Stubble Girl." I feel like this is something for which I'll have to answer in the afterlife.

• The Flyers score, and Flyers fan grabs McNabb and goes, "LOOK AT DANIEL BRIERE! LOOK AT DANIEL BRIERE! GLOVE SIDE! GLOVE SIDE!" He gets a half-hearted high-five and an "Alright, man," out of it.

• As soon as Flyers fan looks away, McNabb's friend smirks and says mockingly, "Did you see that, man? Glove side."

• Back to football ... it looks like the Eagles are actually going to win this thing. I suppose it doesn't matter much if the grand playoff scheme, but it sure does help out McNabb in his argument against the Raiders fan. Not that anyone needs help in an argument against a Raiders fan, I suppose.

• Brian Westbrook breaks away at the line of scrimmage, tiptoes down to the 1-yard-line and just falls down. Brilliant. There was a 99.9 percent chance that the Eagles were winning anyway, but ... that took the quick score + onside kick out of the equation. McNabb's taking knees now.

• I don't know that any other back in the league would've been smart enough to do that. Again, 99.9% of the time it doesn't matter ... but it takes any risk out of the equation. And it also probably fucked quite a few fantasy teams ... and most leagues, at this point, are either in the playoffs or in the championship game. Sorry, you poor bastards.

• I'm sitting at the bar, alone for the early games. It's just me and a guy who has never tended bar before in his life. Muff Stubble Girl walks by and I do an active search for downstairs stubble. None is found. She is a master with the razor.

• Most people I know are Steelers fans, except for Danks, who likes the Patriots ... so none of them have spoken to each other for a few days. I'm left in the middle, hearing bullshit from both sides. Danks gets it started early with a text asking if Troy Polamalu's playing today, or if he's still out with a yeast infection.

• Brian Westbrook takes a screen pass from Donovan McNabb, and the Giants line a path to the endzone for him like altar boys making a path for a Priest to ... well, another altar boy. Antonio Pierce shoved a guy out of bounds and stood there, as if that was the objective of the play. Not effective in this particular game, but he'd be a valuable contributor in the Conquer portion of Breakthrough and Conquer.

• There is absolutely no limit to how much I'd make fun of Shawne Merriman if he played for any other team. As long as he's a Charger, though, as far as I'm concerned, he's a paragon of everything that's good in this world.

• Antonio Cromartie with the interception ... he has an uncanny knack of intercepting balls and not really having to work for it. He's made some nice plays on picks, but for the most part, he just appears to have a knack for getting guys to throw footballs at him.

• TJ Duckett gets loose on a 32-yard touchdown run. If he was a better player, I'd start a blog devoted entirely to TJ Duckett limericks.

• 3rd down for the Chargers ... and someone really ought to tell Philip Rivers that the fadeaway is something that's done commonly in the NBA, not by NFL quarterbacks. I can't even count the number of times this year he's been throwing while falling backwards — not even under pressure, mind you — and just sailing a rainbow over someone's head.

• Delay of game on the Chargers, though. Second chance for Philip ... he drops back, and does the same fucking thing. Some equipment manager catches it.

• DeMarcus Ware has Jon Kitna in his sights and here comes a case of, "15 yards to kill Jon Kitna? SOLD!" Ware, well after Kitna's thrown the ball, picks Kitna up and just plants him into the turf, Magnum T.A. style.

• Again, I'm at the bar, which means I have my back to the majority of the room ... so when I hear people yelling, naturally, I turn around and look to see what's happening. Every time, though, it's fucking Bills fans getting loud because they made a play against Miami, as if Miami was a real NFL team. Maybe it's different if you're a Bills fan, I don't know ... but I can't imagine any circumstances where I'd ever actually yell in glee because my team did something against the Dolphins, who are almost certainly going 0-16.

• Here's something I didn't know about today ... the Bucs can clinch a division title with a win. That's a testament to two things ... 1) Jon Gruden is a pretty damn good coach, and 2) there are portions of the NFL playing some very, very, shitty football.

• By the way, the hype about Albert Haynesworth is no joke. He's making an impact on nearly every play, against the run and against the pass. He changes games as much as anyone I've seen in the NFL this year, offensively or defensively.

• Uh-oh ... Philip Rivers comes up limping after a play in the second quarter.

• You know, I have no idea why I said "uh-oh" there. Billy Volek can't possibly be worse than Rivers. I'd describe my mood right now as "internally celebratory." Let's make it happen, Billy Volek.

• Billy Volek is not making it happen. Unless by "it," you mean, "interceptions on screen passes." Fuck.

• Oh dear ... Muff Stubble Girl's mother is here. Any potentially hairy parts of her body are covered, so I can't draw any comparisons there, but I can tell you this ... Mrs. Muff Stubble Woman is fine. This is a genetically superior family.

• Rookie Chargers wide receiver Buster Davis is returning punts this week ... which is a welcome development since he doesn't appear to be much of a receiver. Anyway, I have a new tradition, where anytime Buster makes a play, I say, "Hey, brother." No one else at the table has a clue what I'm talking about.

• Here's what Levitra's commercials have done to me: A commercial for the EOS Rebel camera comes on, and opens with a shot of a kid throwing a football through a football through a tire, and I immediately wonder, "Why can't this kid get a boner?"

• You know, I was rooting for Floyd Mayweather last night, but I'll be damned if "There's only oooooooooooone Ricky Hatton!" didn't get stuck in my head, and it's yet to leave. I just want to sing it all day. I wish I were an alcoholic Brit.

• Philip Rivers is warming up, and it appears that he'll be back after halftime. Awesome. I was worried we wouldn't be able to keep up that 2.3-yards-per-play average.

• Here Philip comes, here comes a big limp rainbow of a pass, and it's an interception. Fuck me with a hacksaw. This feels so much like watching the Ryan Leaf/Craig Whelihan/Jim Harbaugh era ... Now, I'm thinking, "If we were getting anything from the quarterback position, we could be good." Back then, it was, "If we were getting anything from the quarterback position, we could be almost competitive."

• And that's followed by a Titans touchdown by ... I don't know, some asshole, and we trail 17-3. The Chargers defense has played quite well ... if I'm not mistaken, at least 10 of those points have come on turnovers.

• The Juice shows up, looks at the score of the Chargers game and says, "Ouch. I'm sorry, man." I say, "Nah, it's alright. We're still going to make the playoffs and get the fuck beat out of us in the first round, so it's cool." This is what I believe, and I don't think much can happen to change that.

• Plaxico Burress catches a ball deep over the middle for the Giants (he's as good a wide receiver as exists in the league that isn't named Moss or Owens), and then just starts looking for contact ... but not in the good way. He's running with the approximate speed of Donald Sutherland, his head on a swivel, looking for someone in an Eagles uniform ... I honestly believe that he's looking around to make sure he can get to the ground before an Eagle gets close enough to actually hit him.

• As the previously-mentioned Titans asshole crossed the goal line, I, for some reason, shouted, "FUCK HIS MOUTH." Says The Greek, "That'd be hard to do." I dunno. I guess it depends on your length and the style of facemask being worn. For example ... Scott Player, no problem. Something like this is going to be more challenging, though. You have to know your angles. Just something to keep in mind.

• Late in the Detroit/Dallas game, Shaun McDonald's picked up a couple of consecutive first downs. First, I'm shocked that the Lions are still leading this late in the game ... I had them chalked up as losers. Secondly, how bad of a sign is it for Calvin Johnson that Roy Williams is out, and he's still not having a big impact?

• Down by 7, Philip Rivers is going to have a 1st and 10 at his own 20 with 2:24 to play. I BELIEVE, PHILIP.

• Ill Phil goes twice to Chris Chambers for big chunks of yardage, and we're suddenly inside the Titans 30. I don't know where it's come from, but Rivers is suddenly again a capable quarterback. Color me baffled ... and there is no longer a need to fuck me with a hacksaw.

• To briefly interrupt the Grand Philip Rivers Display of Masculinity, here comes David Akers to attempt a 57-yarder to send the Giants/Eagles game into overtime ... doink. Post. Solid. No Phil Dawson bounce. The Giants are almost certainly making the playoffs now.

• Phil drops back from the 2-yard line, and holy thunder, he's made it happen. Philip Rivers has made it happen. This might be the most stark in-game turnaround I've ever seen. THERE'S ONLY OOOOOOOOOOONE PHILIP RIVERS. Overtime is coming.

• The clock reads 4:18 Eastern Time ... and the Steelers/Patriots game is not yet on any of the nine televisions in the room. It's three minutes, and I hate to be the guy who always complains, but ... I mean, this is a sports bar, right? If I go to a bowling alley, I expect 10 pins in the line. Nine is close, yes, but ... if that's your business, it's not good enough. TV guy, whenever the hell he gets back down here, is in serious danger of being pelted in the head by The Greek with salt and pepper shakers.

• 3rd and 4, big play for Philip and the Chargers ... at this point, given the magical new Philip Rivers, it feels like a gimme. Antonio Gates, first down. THERE'S ONLY OOOOOOOOOOONE PHILIP RIVERS.

• LaDainian Tomlinson takes a handoff in overtime, and he's just going to house that motherfucker. Incredible.

• Meanwhile, the Steelers have put together an 81⁄2 minute drive in the first quarter against the Patriots ... they don't get 7, but they do get 3, and they did keep the ball for a long, long, time. So far, so good.

• At least until the Patriots answer with a touchdown on the very next drive. Randy Moss with the 6 ... and afterwards, Tom Brady runs down to the endzone to get in the face of Anthony "Guarantee" Smith. Tom has some angry words he apparently had to get out of his system.

• This is what bothers me about the Patriots ... Smith made his guarantee, blah blah blah, whatever, and the Patriots, all week long, act like they're above any such foolishness, say they won't respond, etc. But now, on the field, they'll trash talk and be as big a group of assholes as anyone else in the league. Just embrace it ... I don't care that Tom Brady's in Anthony Smith's face ... hell, I kind of like it. It just irks me that he plays it so cool all week long in front of the cameras, and now, he's Captain Bad Ass.

• Tarvaris Jackson with a TD pass to put the Vikings up big early over San Francisco ... Tarvaris' amazing streak of adequacy continues.

• I get a text from my buddy Tim pointing out that both the Steelers and the Patriots have a "Gay" in the secondary. William Gay for the Steelers, and Randall Gay for the Patriots ... can we consider this a victory for gay rights? Are they currently doing for homosexuals what Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy did for black people during the Super Bowl?

• Randy Moss ... deep. TD. Anthony Smith, again victimized. 14-3 Patriots.

• Muff Stubble Girl just touched my back. Yeah, it's no big deal or anything, and I'm not bragging, but she touched me. It's cool.

• Whoa ... look at Najeh Davenport getting loose in the secondary. I was not counting on Najeh Davenport catching any TD bombs today. Large Benjamin dumped it right on his chest. 14-10 ... the Steelers have answered.

• So we're discussing injuries that we'd like to see Tom Brady suffer. The Greek wants him to lose hearing in one ear ... Lady E wants him to have his nose rearranged, Bryan Barker style ... then later upgrades her wish to a severed penis. If any of it happens (the severed penis seems particularly unlikely), I've officially made the offer to buy shots for the table if Brady suffers an injury that puts him out of the game.

• A lot of commercials this week feature "Happy Holidays" messages from various companies ... I guess it's nice and all, but I feel insulted when these commercials are recycled versions that they've run in years past. I don't know ... if you really meant it, if you really wanted me to have a nice holiday, you'd put forth the effort and make a new commercial.

• The Juice: "I love sluts." He's also picked right now to tell me about his theory that taller women have greater vaginal depth. Are there any OB/GYNs that can verify?

• The Steelers have gone for 2 4th-and-1s on this drive ... once, they had Najeh dive over the pile, and the second time, they came out in the shotgun. Odd. But I bet Gregg Easterbrook is pleased.

• I think I might have just seen Trent Dilfer's last down in the NFL ... he took a shot to the head and laid there motionless for a while. He's up and appears to be OK, but ... at his age, you just can't do a lot of that.

• Jesus, I think he's crying as he's being carted out. I'm not positive about this ... either he knows that he's done, or he suffered some kind of a tear duct injury.

• The Patriots lead the Steelers 17-13 at the half ... and a very entertaining first half it was.

• Glancing around at some other games... Minnesota's up on San Francisco 27-0, despite the fact that Adrian Peterson's carried 7 times for -2 yards.

• This is odd ... Kellen Clemens and Derek Anderson are squaring off today, making it the third level of competition at which they've competed. They played against each other in high school, college, and now the NFL. Hm.

• The Patriots force a punt coming out of halftime ... and now, it's gadget play time. Backwards pass to Moss, backwards pass back to Brady, and Jabar Gaffney is wide open for the touchdown. It almost pains me to say it, but ... Anthony Smith, victimized again. I hate watching this ... it's almost certainly the lowest point of his professional life, if not his entire life ... I just shouldn't be seeing this. A man's personal misery should not be this public, I don't care what he did. I know I wouldn't want Anthony Smith witnessing the time I spent earning a living through glory holes at various New Jersey rest stops. It just wouldn't be fair.

• And a little bit later, Wes Welker's going to catch a touchdown pass, and the refs are going to let Anthony Smith get away with a personal foul, late hit ... that was a mercy non-call. Thank you, officials, for not letting this get worse than it had to be.

• At the beginning of the 4th quarter, the Steelers are stopped on a 3rd-and-goal, and a 4th-and-goal at the 1-yard-line, that's going to pretty much wrap it up. I've developed a headache, so I'm going to call it a day here ... it's been an extremely disappointing second half anyway. The first half was great ... the second was a slow and thorough bloodletting.

• There's a sign at the little Sean Taylor fan memorial that has a picture of Taylor with the words, "GIVE TOM LANDRY HELL" next to it. Assuming that the signmaker believes Sean Taylor's in heaven (and I've got to think that differing viewpoints would be rare in DC right now) ... can you do that? If you're in heaven, can you give someone hell? I've got to think that's frowned upon up there.

• Before the game kicks off, the crowd in DC observes a moment of silence ... the bar spontaneously follows suit. It's dead quiet in here. This feels so surreal.

• And we almost made it through the entire moment of silence, until some stupid bitch, just as it was about to end, asks, "Why is it so quiet in here?"

• Hey, there's Brady Quinn in a Subway commercial ... apparently, the Subway people are in some way giving free subs, but Brady can't deliver them because he's busy on Sundays. And he's right ... the last time Derek Anderson didn't get his pregame handjob was Week 3 against Oakland, when he was under 50 percent and the Browns lost. So Brady Quinn has a job to do now. And besides, do you really want the guy jacking off Derek Anderson to also deliver your subs? Seems like that would violate some health codes.

• Debate question on the CBS pregame show: "Should Philip Rivers have yelled 'Shut Up!' to the Chargers fans?" As a Chargers fan, let me say that I don't care if he sends me a singing gorilla telegram every Thursday that instructs me to go fuck my mother ... if it makes him feel better about himself, I don't care what he tells me.

• An early false start is called against "numerous players" on the Redskins. I guess something like that was to be expected. The NFL should have a clause for situations like this that gives a team their first four penalties for free.

• I'd like to thank the Chiefs cheerleaders for braving the cold today. They're all wearing big puffy coats, but they're still rocking the tiny little booty shorts. I appreciate that, ladies. I know it's cold, but if I could just ogle half of you ... it makes all the difference.

• David Garrard fumbles deep in his own territory for the Jags, and a big Colts defensive lineman named Raheem Brock (middle name Fukwan) came up with the ball. He clearly had it in his possession, and then a couple of other people piled on, and a few seconds later, Maurice Jones-Drew emerged with the football. This is going to be challenged and overturned, but Jones-Drew is all man. He went into that pile and took the ball away from 6'4", 274-lb. Fukwad Brock.

• On their first defensive play from scrimmage, the Redskins are going to take the field with 10 players. That's kind of sweet. I think the Bills know this is coming, and if they're at all interested in being sportsmanlike, they'll just plow the football into the middle of the line and fall down.

• Nope. That may have been how it was drawn up, but Fred Jackson bounced it to the outside and picked up 22 yards. In hindsight, maybe the scoreboard tribute and moment of silence were enough.

• I honestly wonder how much time the Redskins defensive staff put into designing a defense with 10 men. It's just one play, but NFL coaches are so meticulous. If this happened to the Saints, Jim Haslett wouldn't have slept all week long, trying to design an effective 10-man defense for one play.

• The Greek ordered a beer about 10 minutes ago, and it's yet to arrive. He reminds the waitress of the order, and she apologizes, explaining some miscommunication with the bartender. I suggest (jokingly, of course) that she go back there and punch the bartender in the face, and she says, "I know! She's a total bitch." Goodness. Apparently, there's some bad blood there. I didn't know.

• Peyton Manning wants Reggie Wayne deep over the middle ... and he's got him. Superb hands there by Reggie Wayne, and it's 14-0, Colts. The Jags were pretty pumped about this game and the opportunity to claim supremacy in the AFC South. This is shaping up to be a "Not Yet, Motherfuckers" kind of game from the Colts.

• Oh, good ... defensive tackle Jason Allen is making a corner-of-the-endzone touchdown catch against the Chargers. That's what we need. Defensive linemen morphing into Randy fucking Moss when they play the Chargers. Excellent. 10-3, Chiefs.

• But Philip has an answer. The Chargers come back with a 38-yard Rivers-to-Vincent-Jackson touchdown pass to even the score. That's what I'm talking about. Tell me to "shut up" all day long ... moon me, for all I care. Stick a little tiny flag in your ass that reads, "MJD IS A PENISFACE," and moon me. Please.

• The Rams have opened up a 21-0 lead on the Falcons ... Gus Frerotte is balling out of control. Of course, if it wasn't for Gus Frerotte this win today would have the Rams on a 4-game win streak, with the potential to run the table and get in the wildcard race.

• The Jets lead the Dolphins 17-13 after Brad Smith takes a short Kellen Clemens pass 18 yards to the house. Hello, over. I wouldn't have guessed that these teams could have scored 30 combined points in 5 games in which they were both using the 10-man Sean Taylor memorial defense.

• By the way, about Sean Taylor ... do you think there's any part of Kevin Everett that's maybe just a little pissed off about all this? Before this happened, Everett was the tragic story. He was the guy everybody wanted to rally behind. And it was heartwarming because he was on the road to recovery, and could soon walk again. It was just last week that he was inspiring everyone with touching scoreboard messages ... this week, no one gives him a second thought. I hope he's doing OK with this.

• I'm sure he is. I'm sure there's no part of him that's pissed off at all. I'm sure.

• Joseph Addai has a big hole in the back of his pants, right below the left ass cheek. There's a pretty decent-sized portion of chocolate on display right now. The hole is in a place where, you know ... if Jersey girls wore football pants, they'd intentionally cut holes there.

• Steve Smith has caught 6 balls for 55 yards at the half. I haven't seen any of this game, and I don't know who started at quarterback for the Panthers ... but since Steve Smith is actually touching the football, I'm going to go ahead and guess that it wasn't David Carr.

• Arrowhead Stadium is depressingly empty, by the way. I've never seen it like that ... half the seats in the upper deck appear to be vacant. I'd have thought Kansas City was like Pittsburgh or Green Bay in that there's a 98-year waiting list for season tickets, and there'll probably never be an empty seat in the house. Guess not. You suck, Chiefs fans.

• Coming back from the half, LaDainian Tomlinson breaks one to the right side and goes in from 31 yards out. The Chargers defense and running game are both having their best days of the season so far. Philip Rivers, however ... he's still not good.

• The Jags, meanwhile, are not going away. It kind of looked earlier like the Colts would be romping that ass, but that's not the case. David Garrard just connected with my man Marcedes Lewis for a touchdown pass to pull them back within a touchdown.

• Muff stubble girl is not the waitress this week, but she is in the building. Her pants are back down to a dangerously low level, I'm glad to report. She also has a bruise on her hip ... I'd like to get the story behind that. Someone's grip was probably just a little too tight.

• Peyton Manning is looking to put the Colts back up by 14 ... but that one's going to be intercepted by Reggie Nelson, and Peyton's going to have to make the tackle. Replay shows Peyton standing there, waiting for Nelson to get close to him, licking each of his hands as he prepares to make the tackle. His form was on par with Jason Street's, but give him credit ... he did make the stop. Now, the licking of the hands, I don't quite get ... maybe Reggie Nelson has a reputation of being particularly slippery. I don't know. I've never touched him.

• Fred Smoot comes up with a nice play for the Redskins, but loses his his helmet on the tackle. Linebacker Marcus Washington picks it up for him, and polishes it with his jersey before giving it back. Lord knows what he just wiped off of there. I'd like to put a blacklight on that thing.

• The Bills have a linebacker by the name of Josh Stamer. I demand an immediate trade to the Browns so I can order my Cleveland Stamer jersey.

• 293-lb. Larry Tripplett makes a diving interception on a trip-drill interception against the Redskins. That was beautiful form for a big man.

• Jags wide receiver Reggie Williams picks up a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary roughness. It was a bullshit call, he barely did anything to warrant the penalty. But now he's on the sidelines getting reamed out by defensive lineman Spicer, who absolutely should scare the hell out of Williams.

• 3rd and inches for the Chargers ... and LaDainian Tomlinson is going to the paint again. The Chiefs had virtually everyone at the line, so once Tomlinson got through the first level, resistance was minimal. 24-10, Chargers.

• Bob Sanders intercepts a David Garrard (Garrard's first INT of the year, and it's a shame, because it bounced off a Jag's chest first), and that should just about kill the Jags. The Colts will be up by 11, with the ball, and about 6:00 to play. Garrard had 231 attempts without an interception.

• Damon Huard just had a pretty rough series, too. On consecutive plays, it was sack, sack, interception, and the Chargers lead by 14 with about 5:00 to play.

• I just noticed, but Atlanta's come back against the Rams ... that 21-0 lead has turned into a 21-16 lead.

• Nevermind about the Jags being dead. They forced a very quick 3-and-out, and now are back inside the redzone. Garrard goes to Dennis Northcutt over the middle to get the TD, and then runs in the 2-point conversion attempt himself. It's suddenly a 3-point game with 3:00 left. They'll need a stop now.

• In the game at quarterback for the Chiefs: Tyler Thigpen. I had never heard of this guy, so I did a little research. Some background on Tyler: He was born in Norway in 1984 to an alcoholic mother and an unknown father. Because he was born a drunk, he wouldn't stop crying until his mother put vodka in his bottle, a practice she soon tired of because she really liked vodka herself. Unwilling to care for the baby or share her vodka, she drugged the child to sleep, went to the airport, stuffed the baby in a stranger's carry-on bag and forget about him forever. That stranger was headed to America, and upon arriving in New York, discovered the half-dead baby in his bag. He called hotel security, at which point a bellman came and retrieved the baby and then proceeded to trade it to a scalper for one ticket to a Steelers/Jets game later that afternoon. The scalper, who was unable to conceive a child with his wife, nursed the baby back to health with coffee and a bottle of breast milk he stole from a couple who had brought their baby to the game. By the 4th quarter, the baby was healthy, but, jonesing for alcohol, resumed crying. The scalper couldn't handle it, and duct-taped the baby to the hood of a car in the players parking lot. That car belonged to Steelers receiver Yancy Thigpen, who found the child after the game, assumed it was left there by a groupie he had gotten pregnant. Yancy decided to raise the child as his own, never questioning their different skin color. He named the boy Tyler, cured his alcoholism, taught him the game of football, the rest is history.

• Or maybe this is true. 'm not sure.

• The son of Yancy was just intercepted in the endzone by Antonio Cromartie. Yancy will later beat him for this.

• The Bills have a chance to win this game against the Redskins. Trent Edwards makes an amazing throw through major traffic to get the Bills in position ... and nothing personal, Trent, but I'm going to have to chalk that one up to luck.

• Chris Redman, in relief of Joey Harrington for the Falcons, has gone 13-of-19 for 2 TDs and 0 INTs. I doubt that Chris Redman is the QB of the future in Atlanta, but ... those numbers, when compared to those of Byron Leftwich or Joey Harrington, are pretty good. Sooner or later, I'd love to hear the wisdom behind Bobby Petrino's "never play good players instead of bad players" strategy. Chris Redman, Jerious Norwood ... I'd love to hear his theories.

• Oh dear God ... Joe Gibbs, what have you done? He called one timeout to ice Rian Lindell on a 51-yard attempt. Mission accomplished. He then attempted to call another timeout, and there appears to be some confusion.

• The commentator keeps saying, "You can't call a second timeout, and Joe Gibbs knows that." But I've got a hunch that Joe Gibbs didn't know that ... you know, since he just did it. 15-yard penalty. It's now a 36-yarder. Unbelievable.

• With about 6 minutes to play, The Greek said to me, "In a close game, with Joe Gibbs and his clock management ... I don't know." I didn't really think much of it at the time, but dear God. Does that even count as clock management? This is worse, right? Not knowing an actual rule is worse than not being able to adeptly manage the clock in a football game, right?

• Lindell's 36-yarder is, of course, good. A last second Hail Mary attempt from Jason Campbell from his own 43-yard-line landed at about the 20. Ballgame. Absolutely brutal.

• If Joe Gibbs was looking for a way to finally turn Redskins fans against him ... well, given what the team was playing for today, you can't do much better than that. If he tried to hatch an elaborate plan to make people hate him ... what more could he do?

• If Gibbs was any other non-revered coach ... he'd be public enemy #2 in DC right now. The list would look like this:

1. Whoever pulled the trigger in Sean Taylor's house that night;
2. Coach who called the second timeout.

• I apologize, but again, I can't stay for the late games this week. I trust that you were able to enjoy them in your own special way.

• Because I'm running a little bit late, I missed "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause." Now, I'm probably going to go all day without wanting to kick a 10-year-old in the balls.

• Glancing over the schedule, it jumps out at me that no good teams are playing this afternoon. At least, none of the best teams in the league ... the Patriots take place in the ritual Sunday Night Assrape tonight against the Eagles, the Colts, Cowboys and Packers played on Thursday and the Steelers play on Monday night. I guess I can settle for the Browns, Giants and Jags.

• Have the Browns spontaneously added numbers to their helmets, or are these throwback uniforms in which the only difference is that they have numbers on their helmets? Is that really the best they can do? Surely, somewhere along the line, the Browns wore something that looked significantly shittier than what they're wearing right now.

• This week's MVP: Whoever paints the endzones in Arrowhead Stadium. Last night, they were spiffed up for Kansas and Missouri, and today, you'd never know there was ever a change. Great googly moogly.

• Tarvaris Jackson's going deep, which is almost never a sign that good things are about to happen ... but this time, he's got Sidney Rice, and Sidney Rice has a touchdown. Color me surprised.

• Uh oh ... Jeff Garcia's hurt. Fortunately, the Bucs have another quarterback who a lot of people believe to be gay in Chris Simms.

• It appears that Bruce Gradkowski's taking over, though. I guess he could be gay, too, but ... I don't know. I don't meet a lot of gay guys named Gradkowski.

• Ick ... Marc Bulger just Jake Plummer'ed an interception to the Seahawks. In the midst of being tackled, he attempted to force a shovel pass to a guy who was currently getting an ass-full of Rocky Bernard.

• Vince Young is going deep now ... and that's complete, too, to Justin Gage. If Vince Young ends up turning into a legitimate dropback passer, I'm going to consider it a real victory for racial equality. He's black, he runs fast, he's athletic, there were rumors that he scored like a 6 on the Wonderlic ... he's not supposed to be able to do this.

• The Redskins are fumbling the ball on every other play and have just about handed the Bucs a 13-0 lead. Text from my buddy Tim: "Sonny and Sam might be breaking into the emergency liquor today. Military whiskey, bottom shelf."

• While we're here, I'd also like to mention a text I got from Tim during the intos for last week's Sunday Night game. It read, "Did I ever tell you about the time I buttfucked Faith Hill?" Now there's an underrated and underused word ... buttfucked.

• Eli Manning is desperately trying to keep pace with the Redskins, though, and is also turning the ball over at a superhuman rate. Darren Sharper already took one Eli pick to the paint, and now Chester Taylor's scoring from 8 yards out on the play right after Eli's 2nd pick.

• In the absence of Marshawn Lynch, a fellow named Fred Jackson is getting carries for Buffalo. In years past of the Smorgasbord, I watched games here with a friend named Sam, and anytime someone named Jackson made a play, he'd respond with the same Friday quote. For example, "Vincent Jackson? Bitch get out the car lookin' more like Freddy Jackson." I'm glad Sam's not here today ... attempting to do that with a guy actually named Freddy Jackson would confuse him and probably cause an aneurysm.

• I'm not sure when exactly he got hurt, but Marc Bulger has apparently left the game with injured ribs, an injured back and a concussion. The Rams' trainer needs a raise.

• Chad Johnson scores for the Bengals and then commandeers a CBS camera. I guess that's his whole act, he's going to pretend to be a cameraman for a few seconds. He'll get penalized for "excessive celebration," but I think in this case, that's a poorly named penalty ... this isn't celebration, this is choreographed attention-whoring. It doesn't feel like there's anything celebratory about it.

• Eli Manning is 2 for his last 11 attempts, for 34 yards, and 2 touchdowns. Tarvaris Jackson, meanwhile, is 7 of 9.

• The Greek speculates that Jeff Fisher's goatee was grown "for muff-diving purposes." I think this tells you a lot of Jeff Fisher's unselfishness.

• FOX shows a close-up for Bucs defensive lineman Chris Hovan, and Hovan takes the opportunity to spit all over himself. I don't think this is the first time this game he's done that, either ... his face looks like he's been bobbing for apples in cream cheese.

• Cincinnati continues to put up big points on Tennessee ... I'm fairly shocked by this result. If the Titans are attempting to make the case for Albert Haynesworth for league MVP by playing well when he's there, and sucking balls when he's not, they're succeeding. Chad Johnson just tapped his toes down in the back of the endzone for his 3rd TD catch, making it 35-6 Bengals.

• Eli Manning gifts another interception to the Vikings, and Dwight Smith is taking that one to the house with Jason Krause, too ... 93 yards on the return, and that should just about put this one to bed.

• Wait, Eli's not done burying himself yet ... the very next time he has his hands on the ball, he throws another pick that will be taken to the house, this one by Chad Greenway. Just a ridiculously bad throw ... it's 41-10, Vikings.

• Justin Fargas scores, and the Raiders take a late lead in Kansas City ... it has to have been a long damn time since the Raiders won in Arrowhead. I do believe that Missouri's the best team to play on that field in the last 48 hours.

• The Vikings have gotten 129 yards and 1 TD off of completions by Tarvaris Jackson to various Vikings. They've also gotten 169 yards and 4 TDs off of completions Eli Manning has thrown to various Vikings.

• And now, Tom Coughlin dusts off the old playbook to find the "Run backwards for 26 yards, and then fall down" play for Eli. He executes it perfectly. But on every play the Giants run where the Vikings don't score a touchdown ... I think you have to consider that a small moral victory for the Giants.

• The Redskins are down by just 6, which is amazing, considering that they've turned the ball over 319 times. Jason Campbell's looking for the game-winner ... but yeah, that's going to be picked off, too. The Bucs are taking knees.

• The Greek on David Carr: "10-for-22, 95 yards, and 2 interceptions? Just get out of the fucking league, already."

• The Rams are in at the 4-yard-line, trailing by 5, with about a minute to play against Seattle. Gus Frerotte has a wide open Isaac Bruce ... and Frerotte underthrows the 4 yard pass by about 2 yards. The pass was so bad that Isaac Bruce ended up injuring himself trying to catch it.

• A one-yard gain and two timeouts later, the Rams have a 4th and 1 at the goal line, with :30 on the clock, two-game winning streak on the line ... and Gus Frerotte cannot handle the snap. It's not often that a game comes down to one play, and that play isn't a field goal, but a play from scrimmage where the offense has a better-than-average chance of scoring. It would have been a very exciting conclusion, had it involved a team that could successfully execute a center-to-quarterback exchange.

• It pisses me off how FOX sits on the BCS standings ... it's real, meaningful news in the sporting world, and they promise that it's coming up during the postgame show. But not, of course, until you sit through Terry Bradshaw doing highlights of every single NFL game, and two or three commercial breaks.

• Bradshaw, meanwhile, calls Braylon Edwards "Bray-lawn," emphasizing both syllables.

• FOX brings in Barry Alvarez to break down the BCS Standings ... and my goodness, Barry Alvarez is bad at this. He's like Steve Mariucci, except he looks closer to death.

• After exchanging a couple of punts with the Ravens, the Chargers put together a long drive the ends with a field goal. I guess I haven't seen a lot of the Ravens this year, because I had forgotten how badly I want to see Ray Lewis get mauled by a grizzly bear.

• So, I'm pretty excited about the new Cypher Stent. It's been advertised a handful of times during NFL games this week. I almost can't wait for that arteries around my heart to narrow, so I can get one. It seems so much more awesome than any of those other stents you hear so much about. The stent wars are certainly heating up, though.

• Jay Cutler runs a nifty little option play with Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #23, and gets into the endzone. The Broncos take a 10-3 lead over the Bears.

• Antonio Gates is uncovered down the middle of the field, which strikes me as odd, since he's the only receiving weapon currently playing for the San Diego Chargers, and Philip Rivers often has tunnel vision on him. The Ravens appear to have missed a few things on game film.

• Shawne Merriman is balling today. If it takes Maurice Jones-Drew leveling him to embarrassing him into playing this well every week, then I say Merriman should try to break into Jones-Drew's house every Saturday.

• CBS has clips of Ray Lewis handing out turkeys at a Thanksgiving event for the Ray Lewis Foundation ... they're frozen turkeys, thankfully. I think it's best that we avoid Ray Lewis carving up anything in front of the general public.

• You don't see a whole lot of successful Hail Marys ... Mary's kind of lazy like that. But just before the half, Kurt Warner heaves one up in the endzone from 48 yards out, and Larry Fitzgerald comes up with it for the TD with zeroes on the clock.

• Chris Chambers turned Ravens corner Samari Rolle inside out, and Rivers lofted it to him for another eazy touchdown pass. Shocking statistic: in his career in the red zone, Phil Rivers has 20 touchdown passes, and 0 interceptions.

• Cardinals quarterback Tim Rattay has a mullet. I didn't know that. It really reminds me of Randy Cross's mullet, except it's not gray ... it's a mullet that you spend $80 on having styled.

• Todd Sauerbrun punts the ball to Devin Hester, and you can probably guess where it goes from here ... Hester to the paint. Hester is the one way that the Bears can consistently score, and other teams have the option of whether or not to let him touch the ball. Why anyone does, I couldn't tell you.

• Antonio Gates hauls in another touchdown pass from Philip Rivers, and was again wide open. Let's check the replay to see how he got so open ... ah, the Ravens tried to cover him one-on-one with Ray Lewis. They might have been able to get away with that five years ago ... back when Ray had his knife.

• I didn't know this, but apparently there's a giant statue in San Diego of a sailor kissing a woman ... I'd love to know what kind of detail the sculptor went into carving underneath the woman's dress. I also think this is rather discriminatory to the gay sailors in our Navy. They deserve a giant statue next to this one of two guys jerking each other off. I demand that my tax dollars make this happen.

• Interchangeable Denver Running Back Cog #37 gets into the endzone, giving the Broncos a 20-13 lead.

• And Devin Hester answers by taking the ensuing kickoff to the house. There appears to be one way and one way only that the Bears can win this game, and that's for Devin Hester to keep getting touches. Again, I repeat, the Broncos have the option of preventing this from happening.

• Tidbit from the announcers in the Cardinals/49ers game: Deuce Lutui ate horse at Thanksgiving. Apparently, you bury the horse under ground and cook it that way ... I'm just wondering how long it takes to dig the hole for the fucking thing. Anyway, it's good to know that even though we couldn't harvest any of Barbaro's prize jizm, he doesn't have to go to complete waste.

• The San Francisco/Arizona game, by the way, sounds quite entertaining. I'm not sure, as I'm not paying a lot of attention to it ... but it certainly sounds good.

• Wow ... Denver comes right back to answer Devin Hester's answer by doing deep to Brandon Marshall for the touchdown. Marshall just toasted Ricky Manning Jr. The 7-point Broncos lead is restored. I might be off with this, but it seems to me like Denver would be beating the fuck out of Chicago were it not for Devin Hester.

• Shawne Merriman is able to snuff out a screen play by the Ravens, and drag the running back down for a loss. He gets up and starts to do the "Lights Out" dance, which has made its idiotic return this week ... but he stops himself and just waves it off, like "Eh, it's just the Ravens. I'll save my lame dance for later."

• The Broncos have gone up by 14, and the Chargers lead 32-14, and I can't bring myself to be interested in Cardinals/49ers ... I'm going to trust that Denver will hang on, and that I won't miss anything too special in the 49ers/Cards game, and call it a week.

Post script: Woops, and woops.

• The waitress this week is cute enough, but wearing a Brady Quinn jersey. I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe she's from Cleveland, maybe she thinks he's really cute, I don't know. I just hope I'm here when she starts grabbing dicks.

• I'm pretty sure this is an accident ... but I can see four games, but I'm getting audio from the Baltimore/Cleveland game, which is not one of the four games I can see. Every time Ian Eagle raises his voice, I look around to see what's happening, and all I see are people standing around. This is going to drive me fucking insane.

• It's a slow week at the sports bar ... only a handful of tables in this particular room are occupied. In the back of the room, there are four or five young black men, and they're being a little loud and rambunctious. Most everyone else in the room is middle-aged and white. I'm sensing a little bit of discomfort.

• Julius Peppers blocks a Packers field goal attempt ... it's nice to hear from him. I wasn't sure he was still in the league.

• At the end of the ensuing possession, the Panthers line up in a field goal formation, but snap it directly to John Kasay, who then pooch punts it. Very clever, Panthers ... I mean, I know that Green Bay picked it up and returned it to the house for a touchdown, but just think how cool it would have looked if they hadn't.

• If I'm overhearing correctly, the black guys in the back of the room love ESPN's "Takin' it to the House with Jason Krause" on ESPN's NFL Countdown. These are the only people I've ever heard say that ... now they're making me uncomfortable. I understand so little about how TV networks can capture certain demographics.

• Speaking of Countdown, I'm pretty sure I saw a segment this morning where Greg Garber compared Tony Romo and his improvisational abilities to "legendary freestyle rapper" Snoop Dogg. When did Snoop become known for his legendary freestyle skills? That feels a little bit like calling Michael Vick "a legendary drop back passer." I think ESPN has a lot to learn when it comes to the difference between a "legendary freestyle rapper" and "the only rapper Greg Garber's ever heard of."

• The Chargers, meanwhile, are down 10-0 to the Jaguars. This game is going exactly as I expected it to.

• The Eagles punt, and it's taken by Ted Ginn ... and Ted Ginn's going to take this one to the house. And for the second week in a row, the on-fire Miami Dolphins have an actual lead. This day can already be considered a success.

• This sound-on-a-game-I'm-not-watching thing is messing with me. I had never realized how dependent I was on an announcer's cues to know when something was happening. We're into the second quarter, and every time Ian Eagle gets loud, I look around and expect to see something happening. I can't stop myself. I am Pavlov's dog, and Ian Eagle is my dinner bell.

• Andre Johnson is finally back in the Texans line-up, and he is announcing his presence with authority. Matt Schaub hit him deep over the middle, after about 11 Saints all fell for a play action fake. 7-3, Texans.

• The referee in the Chargers/Jaguars game is surrounded by Jaguars cheerleaders ... this is bullshit. They're all dancing around him like he's a big metal pole at the Spearmint Rhino. They are bribing the official with pussy, and they are doing so openly and brazenly.

• On second thought, that's probably a fake ref. The pussy is real, though.

• Donovan McNabb is leaving the Eagles/Dolphins game ... of course, I think the Dolphins will miss him more than the Eagles will, being that he was 3-of-11 with 2 interceptions. Kevin Kolb isn't coming into the game, though ... it's AJ Feeley. That's a little bit of a surprise. I don't know if Kolb is actually behind Feeley on the depth chart, or if Kolb suffered a wrist injury this week burying a knife into a boar.

• Sign in Lambeau: "IS THIS HEAVEN? NO." Thanks. That's enlightening.

• Vinny and the Panthers are already down 21-3, incidentally ... but Vinny has the Panthers driving and down in the Packers red zone. Packers DT Corey Williams gets to Vinny, and punches him in the face ... every other time a quarterback's facemask even gets grazed, it's a penalty, but for some reason, clubbing a senior citizen in the head is perfectly fine. It might not be a penalty, but I think Corey Williams can expect a strongly-worded letter from the AARP.

• I just said the following about Philip Rivers, out loud, and I was completely serious: "At least it was a spiral."

• Neil Rackers makes a tackle on special teams for the Cardinals, and then heads to the sidelines, takes off his jersey and his pads, and gets a fresh new jersey/pads combination from underneath a tarp behind the bench. I've never seen anyone do that before. Is Neil Rackers not allowed to be dirty?

• Chad Johnson is a prick. He catches a pass, and starts running with it it one hand, not tucked away in the least. A 4-year-old wouldn't run like that with a Nerf ball if there was no one within 20 yards of him. Naturally, the prick fumbles it ... Arizona ball.

• In one of the personal lowlights of the season for me, Maurice Jones-Drew, staying in to help pick up the blitz, absolutely levels Shawne Merriman. Merriman went running into him, started to jump, and Jones-Drew floored him. David Garrard threw the 1-yard TD pass to Marcedes Lewis, and it's 24-10. That should earn me a solid week or two of Merriman steroid jokes.

• Sign in Lambeau: picture of a dog wearing a Packers jersey with the words "PACKER PUPPY" written above it. I'm sure that's hugely inspirational to the team ... an offensive lineman probably saw that sign and thought, "I wasn't going to block very hard on this next series, but if this batshit-crazy bitch can go to the trouble of forcing a Brett Favre jersey on her poor fucking dog, then maybe I can stay low, keep a wide base, and not get beaten by a swim technique."

• The Fish have, once again, squandered their lead ... an AJ Feeley TD pass puts the Eagles ahead, 17-7.

• Antrell Rolle intercepts Carson Palmer and takes it to the house ... he caps it off by doing a carthweel into a backflip, but can't stick the landing. I can't hear that game, but I think he got flagged 15 yards for that. I'm not sure what rule it broke ... there were no props, it didn't seem pre-meditated (after all, why would Antrell Rolle ever plan on being in the endzone?), and it didn't last a particularly long time. No idea.

• The black guys in the back of the room are talking about some Giants fan who was here last week, and one of them emphatically declares, "If he comes in here, he's gettin' fucked up." Everyone else has left the room, except for myself, the Greek, and those gentlemen. I really hope that Giants fan shows up.

• Phil Rivers drops back and hits Antonio Gates over the middle (I believe Philip has a rare eye condition that prevents him from seeing anyone not wearing the number 85) for a Chargers TD, and it's 24-17. We're actually not getting our asses whooped nearly as bad as I thought we would.

• The defense does their job, and we have the ball back, down 7, with 2:13 to play ... come on, Philip, BE A MAN. Don't listen to all those terrible things Big Daddy Drew said about you.

• And Philip is intercepted on a 6-yard pass over the middle. Big Daddy Drew was right. Fuck yourself, Philip.

• Bonus coverage: Daunte Culpepper and the Raiders trail by 7, they have the ball with 1:00 to play. And they fail quite quickly ... that wasn't really suspenseful at all. I'm not sure I should have used the term "bonus" there.

• Fans for the late games are starting to trickle in, as the group of young black people have unfortunately left. Among the incoming crowd is a woman with a huge ass, tight jeans, a Redskins windbreaker, and a giant Redskins cowboy hat (there's some irony). She's accompanied by a guy with a mustache and a mullet, and another guy wearing a camouflage shirt. This could be a long afternoon.

• Phil Dawson's got another shot at a late field goal to send the Browns to overtime, from a similar distance as the one he left short last week. The kick is up ... doink off the post, doink off the crossbar, no good.

• But hold on one second, ladies and gentlemen ... replay shows that it didn't hit the crossbar, it hit the part that extends back from the crossbar. That field goal was good. After a few minutes of mass confusion, the officials get it right, and have to get the Ravens back on the field ... Brian Billick looks like he's going to blow a cow.

• Terrell Owens makes a catch along the sidelines for the Cowboys, and one of the hick Redskins fans yells, "COME ON, DEFENSE, GET THAT PECKERWOOD." There's a word I haven't heard in a while ... peckerwood. I need to hang out more often with guys who wear camouflage to sports bars.

• The Jets, meanwhile, are taking it to the Steelers. We missed the first touchdown because the TV guy is terrible at his job, and now Thomas Jones is just plowing through the Steelers defense. This is weird.

• Phil Dawson has a chance to win it in overtime for the Browns ... and today, we spell redemption P-H-I-L.

• You know that Viagra commercial, with the six guys sitting in a Roadhouse, singing a song about unnatural boners? I don't think I had noticed the dog in that commercial before. I hope he was able to get out of there before the big gay orgy started.

• We had decided to root for the Cowboys, because these fucking Redskins fans were unbearably loud and dumb ... but unfortunately, we've also been joined by one of those "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?" people. So the fun's been taken out of that. I guess I'll just sit here and get dumber.

• Hick Redskins fan: "I live for this game. I don't care about anything else." Me: "Like personal hygiene." Adds the Greek: "Or racial equality ... not even NASCAR, or Mama's Family on DVD."

• Curt Menefee has a studio update of someone scoring a touchdown, and then he throws it back to Troy Aikman and says something like, "That dance was good, Troy, but nothing like Hannah Montana." Score one for Curt Menefee.

• The "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS" idiot asks hick Redskins fan if he thinks Joe Gibbs will be back next year. The woman with the cowboy hat responds, "He kept smoke, so he's doing something right!" She's asked to repeat this, because no one knows what the fuck she's talking about ... as it turns out, upon further explanation, she's referring to NASCAR driver Tony Stewart. And she says it like everyone else in the room is dumb, because they don't know who "Smoke" is. I swear, I'm hemorrhaging IQ points right now.

• Though it's nearly impossible to concentrate on anything else at the moment, I would like to point out that the 49ers are wearing their throwbacks today, and they are the best-looking pile of shit on an NFL field today.

• Shaun Suisham missed a field goal for the Redskins. Hick Redskins fan yells, "I SAW THAT! THE GOALPOST MOVED!" He and idiot Cowboys fan think that's the funniest thing ever said by a human being.

• Idiot Cowboys fan to an Eagles fan sitting nearby: "Hey, Eagles fan. Hey, Eagles fan. You like McNabb?" Since the guy is wearing a fucking #5 Eagles jersey, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he does, dickface. He then proceeds to tell the guy that McNabb's the most overrated player in the NFL.

• When Ed Hochili officiates a Rams/49ers game ... he's one of the best five athletes on the field, right? He can't be far off.

• I think the table of Redskins/NASCAR/Smoke/Camouflage people are doing the Budweiser "Wassssuuuuupppp" thing. I kid you not. I should never have gotten out of bed today.

• Jason Campbell's playing a fantastic game, by the way ... it's the best I've seen him play. He's nearly matching Tony Romo. Anyway, on one play, Campbell gets blindsided in the pocket and is sacked. Hick Redskins fan is screaming that Joe Gibbs should "get him out of there." I'm thinking this gentleman would like to see a return to the purer, whiter days of Joe Theismann. Or Mark Brunell. Or Patrick Ramsey. Or Gus Frerotte. Or Jay Schroeder. Or Heath Shuler.

• The Jets are still leading the Steelers, by the way ... I'd like to focus a little bit more on that game, but I've just been sucked into the vortex of redneck stupidity that surrounds me. Anyway, at this point in the season, the Jets are +17 in the first half, and -80 in the second half. Someone's not making their halftime adjustments very well.

• Nate Burleson goes over the middle for the Seahawks, knocks over a defender at the goal line, then catches an easy TD pass. I don't think that's legal, but it's going to count.

• And on the ensuing kickoff, kicker Josh Brown takes down Devin Hester with a very nice stick. Hm.

• The Redskins commit a blatant pass interference penalty down the field ... it's as obvious a call as you're ever going to see. Hick Redskins fan jumps out of his seat and yells, "REVIEW IT!" Blood's going to start pouring from my ears at any moment.

• And Thomas Jones has just become the first 100-yard rusher against the Steelers in 24 games. Thomas Jones did this. Yes, that Thomas Jones.

• Total yards: Steven Jackson: 114. San Francisco 49ers: 94.

• Huge ass, tight jeans, cowboy hat Redskins fan thinks there's no excuse for NFL kickers to not make 70-yard field goals regularly, because college kickers can make 50-yarders. I thought that was a worthwhile observation, and I'm happy to pass it along to you.

• Tony Romo goes deep to Terrell Owens over the middle ... touchdown Cowboys, and Owens, without breaking stride, goes straight into the dunk over the crossbar. That was beautiful. 21-13 Cowboys.

• The Bears, who hadn't used Devin Hester on offense at all today, give it to him on the reverse. Hester looks for the corner, sees that there's no room, and pusses his way out of bounds without making contact with anyone. I guess that's allowed when you're the only talented offensive player on your football team.

• Tony Romo to Terrell Owens again ... damn. Owens is going fucking bananas today.

• FOX is showing a pregame clip of Steven Jackson messing with some kid on the sidelines in the Rams/49ers game. The kid, being held by his dead, keeps turning away from Jackson, but Jackson won't leave it alone. He wants to mess with this kid for some reason. Jackson eventually goes around to the other side of the guy, and takes the lollipop out of the kid's mouth. The kid looks at him like, "Hey, what the fuck, man?"

• The 49ers are driving, by the way, and have a chance to take the lead .. on consecutive plays, Vernon Davis and Darrell Jackson drop catchable balls in the endzone. Trent Dilfer's going to be fighting again in practice this week.

• Owens makes another catch. Hick Redskins fan: "TERRELL OWENS, I'D SHOOT THAT SUMBITCH." I don't find that difficult to believe at all, and I'm sure you've got the gun in your truck right now.

• Jason Campbell is putting together a potentially game-winning drive, with the Redskins down 5. Hick Redskins fan looks back at idiot Cowboys fan and says, "You nervous, boy?" Idiot Cowboys fan responds, "I'm as calm as a cucumber."

• Idiot Cowboys fan also drops this bomb: he's majoring in education. If you ever believed that the children are our future, it's time to come up with a new belief system.

• Leon Washington takes a punt back deep into Steelers territory, getting the Jets into field goal range ... they're actually going to beat the Steelers. I find this quite surprising.

• The Nuge comes on to attempt a 37-yarder ... it's up, it's good, and the Steelers have gone down. To the Jets.

• Jason Campbell has the Redskins inside the Cowboys red zone, looking for the winning score ... he rolls right, throws back across his body and is intercepted. That's unfortunate ... Campbell deserved a better ending than that.

• This sets off a standing-up, shouting-at-the-top-of-his-lungs, bullshit, moronic tirade from hick Redskins fan, about how the Redskins can't win with Campbell ... and I've gotta get the fuck out of here.

• Is it me, or does it seem like almost every single week, at least 70 percent of the games on the NFC schedule are unclean anus? There are so many teams in the NFL this year that are either bad, or not quite bad but still unpleasant to watch ... it seems like it's almost impossible to have a good slate of games.

• Fortunately, in a place like this, where you can watch seven TVs, you only need one or two of them to turn out decent, and you can be thoroughly entertained. The NFL has a nice little system that way. Two decent games, and maybe one remarkable individual performance, and that's all anyone will talk about. No one will even remember all the shit vs. shit, vomit vs. shit, and non-shit vs. shit matchups.

• Update from FOX's Jay Glazer: "The Cleveland Browns are sticking with Derek Anderson." I'm sorry, was there a chance that they wouldn't? Have the Browns gotten tired of winning already? To report the same news in a different way, "The Cleveland Browns have decided that winning games will remain one of their goals."

• In celebration of the Marines birthday, a group of Marines are on the field somewhere (Washington, I believe) doing all that nifty gun-twirling stuff that they did in the beginning of A Few Good Men.

• Tomorrow being Veterans Day and all, I'd like to extend my most sincere wishes for safety and peace for all the men and women who are serving, or who have served in our Armed Forces ... including Vinny Testaverde for all of his heroic work as a USO dancer in the Spanish-American War.

• TV guy asks me if I'd mind if he changed the Jacksonville/Tennessee game to the Panthers/Falcons game, because some dude behind me wants to watch that classic shit vs. shit matchup. I hate to ruin anyone's day, but ... I don't know. I feel selfish, because I don't really care about that game, but at the same time, I'm trying to minimize the amount of shit that flies into my eyeballs. Understandable?

• I'm begging for Adrian Peterson to put up 300 yards on someone, so I can get a reprieve of the constant highlights of him ass-raping the Chargers.

• More late-breaking news: Joe Horn and Keary Colbert are both out of the Panthers/Falcons game. That's terrible news for quarterbacks who couldn't get the ball to them anyway.

• You know how FOX sometimes at the beginning of a game, will put three players up on the screen under the heading, "In the Spotlight"? For Minnesota this week, it's three Adrian Petersons. If things like this keep happening, Brooks Bollinger is going to go all Matt Saracen on him and tackle him like a little girl at the end of a game.

• Pittsburgh opens their game against Cleveland by going 3-and-out, and then the Browns turn around and break off a Steelers-like drive ... They're picking up blitzes, Derek Anderson is throwing strikes. All told, it's a 16-play, 71-yard, 8:55 drive that ends with a TD catch by Kellen Winslow Jr.

• It's so fitting that Winslow scored on the day before Veterans Day. Our soldiers must be so proud of one of their own.

• Quinn Gray has a very unusual way of sending receivers in motion ... most quarterbacks will lift their knee and raise one foot off the ground, and that's a symbol for the receiver to move. Not Quinn Gray. He extends his entire leg behind him like a fucking ballerina. Kinda like this, but ... without the arm movement, and his leg doesn't get quite as high.

• Effeminate motion signals aside, the Tiny Dancer finishes off the drive with a TD pass, giving the Jags a 7-0 lead against the Titans. Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew were both rather punishing on that drive as well.

• Browns return man Joshua Cribbs, after a Steelers field goal, returns a kick 89 yards down inside the Steelers 5. We're on the brink of a 14-3 Brownie lead here.

• Budweiser should write to the networks about not having their George Clooney-voiceover commercials airing anywhere near commercials for Ocean's Thirteen. It really destroys any believability in the fact that Clooney's a Budweiser drinker. "Roseanne"-era Clooney might have liked Budweiser, or "Facts of Life Clooney "... but Ocean's Thirteen Clooney? Come on. This guy's going to mastermind a $500 million casino heist, and two minutes later, he's going to tell me that his favorite thing in the world is some bullshit beechwood aging process?

• Maurice Jones Drew extends the Jags lead against the Titans, and then celebrates with something that will not become the newest dance craze. His arms do the windmill, while his legs are engaged in some funky chicken action ... it's odd, but at least it has no connection to Soulja Boy (again, Happy Veterans Day) or the suppermanning of hoes.

• Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, unaware that it is not 1988, and he is not Bill Parcells, is wearing a tight sweater on the sidelines for the Skins.

• Tidbits from FOX: In Brett Favre's rookie year, the Soviet Union collapsed and Adrian Peterson was six years old.

• Uh-oh ... Large Benjamin throws an interception in his own red zone, where the Browns will take over, already with a 14-6 lead.

• By the way, if it seems like the universe is at all unbalanced at the moment, halfway through the 2nd quarter, both the Rams and Dolphins have leads.

• Derek Anderson's looking for Braylon Edwards in the endzone ... and oooh, that's a pretty catch. Officials say it was out, but Browns head coach Romeo Crennel disagrees ... and to show his disagreement, he will sprint-waddle out onto the middle of the field, and angrily chuck his red challenge flag at an official. Replay agrees ... TD Brownies, and it's 21-6.

• This feels significant. On one hand, the Browns/Steelers game feels a little bit like a poor man's version of Colts/Patriots, where the underdog team was in control, but you kind of had a sense that the other team was a powder keg that could go off at any second ... but on the other hand, it also feels like the Browns are officially saying, "You're not whipping our ass anymore. You might win, but you're going to have to work for it. You are not the only team in this division."

• I was just played for a chump. I didn't even realize it was happening. Remember the guy who wanted the Jags/Titans game changed to Panthers/Falcons? He just sent a cute girl over to the table to ask me if I'd mind if they changed the channel ... and it worked. I didn't even see it coming. She walks over, smiles, bats her eyelashes, asks very nicely ... and I'm like, "OKAY PRETTY GIRL ME DUMB CHANGE CHANNEL." I should have fucking known better. Twenty seconds later, I've gone from Jags/Titans in Hi-Def to Vinny vs. Joey in Standard Definition, and it finally dawns on me what just happened. That dirty whore. I am so weak.

• Stat from FOX: the Rams have had 2 different starters this year at left tackle, 4 at left guard, 2 at center, 6 at right guard, and 4 at right tackle. And yet, they lead the Saints.

• James Thrash has two touchdown catches? When's the last time that happened?

• You know what? I'm not leaving that question a rhetorical. I'm looking it up, because that's the kind of dedication to research and truth that I have. James Thrash hasn't had a touchdown at all since October of 2006. He had a total of two touchdowns from September 8, 2003 until yesterday a little after 1:00 p.m. EST. His last 2 TD game was on November 11, 2001. If you had the insight to start him in a fantasy league this week, you deserve to be orally pleasured for the next 18 hours.

• The Packers continue to whitewash the Vikings ... making me even more confident in my prediction that the Chargers are going to lose by 30 tonight at Indy. Don't be fooled by the Chargers ... they're not an "X-factor," or a "dangerous" team, or a team that could round into form ... they're just not very good.

• As a side note, it's much more fun to watch Adrian Peterson when it's not your team that he's raping and pillaging ... even if he's being held without any rapes or pillages at all on the stat sheet today against the Packers.

• Time of possession: Rams, 26:45. Saints, 9:28. Plays: Rams, 47. Saints, 17. It's 27-7, and Marc Bulger is kicking the ass of Drew Brees all up and down the Superdome carpet. I did not see that coming.

• Buffalo records a safety on Cleo Lemon to cut Miami's lead to 3-2. Meanwhile, Denver leads Kansas City 13-8, and Washington leads Philadelphia 15-7. I know the odds are against it, but I think today's the day that the Raiders break through and find a way to score 1.

• Uh oh ... Adrian Peterson takes a shot to the knee, goes upside down, and is now on the ground, either crying or convulsing.

• Pittsburgh has regained all momentum against the Browns, too ... with 5:00 left to play in the third, the Browns have yet to pick up a first down in the 2nd half.

• Peterson appears to be all right ... I believe he used his Purple Baby Jesus powers to heal himself. He's up and running on the sidelines. Phew. The Vikings almost had to rely entirely on first-string running back Chester Taylor.

• Here comes Morten Andersen from 47 yards ... and HERE COMES MORTEN ANDERSEN FROM 47 YARDS. I didn't know that kind of power still rested in Morten's leg. This shoots up some red flags ... while I have no ill will for the guy whatsoever, I think it would be awesome if Morten Andersen was busted for steroids.

• Large Benjamin, meanwhile, breaks off a 30-yard TD run, followed by a 2-point conversion pass ... and the Steelers have re-taken the lead. It feels like it's about time to declare this one a valiant effort from the Browns.

• Brett Favre strategically aims a pass at a Vikings defender's chest, knowing that another Vikings defender will swoop in and bat it away from him, and that both defenders will fall down in a heap and allow Ruvell Martin to make an easy TD catch.

• Browns kick returner Joshua Cribbs is a talented guy, and it's a good thing, because that was kinda dumb ... he misplayed a squib kick, then took his time and let it roll down inside his own 1-yard-line, apparently hoping it would cross the line and he could kneel on it ... kind of like a third baseman hoping a bunt will roll foul. Didn't happen, though ... so he chases it back to the 1, appears to be hemmed in for a Brownie disaster, and then, in a magnificent triumph of talent over intelligence, takes it 100 yards to the house. Just a ridiculous play ... and one that has the Brownies still alive.

• Unfortunately for Cleveland (and everyone else who doesn't like dickheads), however, Ben Roethlisberger is fucking awesome ... he leads a drive that eventually culminates in a TD strike to Heath Miller, thrown into traffic, back against his body.

• Joey Harrington, meanwhile, heroically hits Alge Crumpler over the middle ... Crump slips through a couple of defenders and streaks into the endzone for a game-winning TD with under 20 seconds left. Some plays seem like great efforts by great players (see: Roethlisberger), and some just sort of feel like fortunate happenstance (see: Harrington). Similar things, but there was quite a contrast in how they felt.

• The Browns final drive, crippled by a holding penalty on another quality Joshua Cribbs return eventually dies one-yard outside of Cleveland kicker Phil Dawson's career long distance. He'll try it anyway ... and it's straight enough, but comes up short. Ben Roethlisberger celebrates by tackling and then dry-humping Hines Ward.

• Unfortunately, I can't stay for the 4 o'clock games today, and I'll have to miss one of the week's non shit vs. shit matchups, in Giants/Cowboys. But Steelers/Giants was interesting, and the Rams came out of nowhere to get a win ... and that's enough to wash away all the rest of the Bills/Dolphins, Broncos/Chiefs, Panthers/Falcons garbage.

• You know, the group of 1:00 games today ... it really sucks balls. It's almost like the league did it on purpose. If you've got a great main event, why bother putting together a good undercard? No one's going to remember any of it at the end of the day anyway.

• That is, unless, the Jets manage to upset the Redskins. It is only acceptable to lose to one AFC East team this year, and it's not the Jets ... I can't deny that I'd enjoy this. Any sort of positivity achieved by the Jets in 2007 would have to be considered surprising and memorable. Leon Washington returns the opening kickoff to the house.

• FOX analyst Tony Siragusa on where the Jets should go from here: "One thing the Jets don't want to do right now is to give up a return touchdown right back." Surprisingly, Moose Johnston does not offer a counterpoint to that flimsy argument.

• A fellow named Legudu Naanee has caught a couple of passes early in the game for the Chargers. I do believe that these are his first touches of the year. I'm not sure how you pronounce his last name, but I think the Jumbotron at Qualcomm should play the clip of Ned Nederlander summoning the Invisible Swordsman every time he makes a play. "Chipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchipchip ... NANNY."

• Hey, it's a Koren Robinson sighting. He's in uniform for the Packers today. I guess it's a good sign that we never heard a peep from Koren Robinson during his year-long suspension ... it's so hard these days for a guy to be suspended and not end up winning the TNA World Tag Team championship at some point during his banishment.

• In the first quarter of the Redskins/Jets game, there have been 115 yards of combined total offense. And it's still among the more entertaining early games.

• Tarvaris Jackson throws a little dump-off pass over the middle ... a pass that travels about a distance of 4 yards, and misses its target by about a distance of 3 yards. Tarvaris Jackson throws the ball approximately as accurately as Chargers punter Mike Scifres punts it.

• Uh oh ... Jay Cutler's getting a free cart ride. I have no idea who might be the backup in Denver. It couldn't still be Bradlee Van Pelt, could it? Is Steve Beuerlein around? Bubby Brister, maybe?

• Nope. Patrick Ramsey. That guy had a bright future a long time ago.

• Kellen Clemens hits unstoppable offensive force Joe Kowalewski for the touchdown pass, and the Jets have an improbable 17-3 lead. It's just like everyone said would happen ... the Redskins don't have an answer for the Joe Kowalewski matchup.

• Maurice Jones-Drew returns a kickoff for a touchdown, and was pretty clearly gone at about his own 25-yard-line. For some reason, and this doesn't speak well of the Saints coverage unit, Olindo Mare is the first (and only, really) player to get a clean shot at Drew ... and he got it at about the 20-yard-line. He whiffed, of course, because he's Olindo Mare. But that's about the earliest I've ever seen a kickoff return become a certain touchdown.

• And now Jags quarterback Quinn Gray hobbles off the field ... who the fuck backs up Quinn Gray? I'm staying with the Quinn theme and guessing Jonathan Quinn. My theory is that Jack Del Rio was a huge fan of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and uses that show to make many of his personnel decisions.

• Nope. Todd Bouman. I think we're one hit away from Matt Jones being under center. But dear God, how could the Jags stand to lose his contributions at wide receiver?

• #83, a fellow named Mike Leach, is practicing taking snaps on the Denver sideline. You might remember Mike Leach from his glory days as a punter and tight end at William & Mary, until the team dropped their football program, and he transferred to Boston University. Anyway, yeah, this guy could be playing some quarterback today. I am excited.

• Kellen Clemens is currently 11-of-15, having completed passes to 7 different receivers. That's pretty amazing for a young quarterback.

• A commercial for some new bacon-heavy sandwich at Burger King inspires a brief conversation about the best bacon-involved burgers at fast food restaurants. Eventually, we just decide that the best thing to do would be to eliminate the middle man, and just make a ground bacon burger, with the option to get bacon on it. If Burger King were to actually do this, it would kill 10% of the American population in about 6 months.

• The Juice comments that one of the other waitresses, a very, very, thing young woman, could use a ground bacon burger. "Her arm, seriously, is thinner than my cock."

• She refuses to take a side-by-side measurement.

• Dear God ... I think Antonio Cromartie just pulled off the longest play in NFL history. He caught a missed Vikings field goal in the back - the waaaay back - of the endzone, and then housed it with unbelievable speed. That was about 109 yards and 34 inches ... his toe was just inside the endzone. Incredible play, and it swings the score from potentially 10-7 Vikings, to 14-7 Chargers. To be honest, we don't quite deserve this lead.

• Antonio Cromartie has equaled the scoring output of the Carolina Panthers over the past two weeks.

• Speaking of the Panthers, David Carr is sacked (unusual, I know) ... and then decides that he can just get up and run with the football. Apparently, Carr alone has decided on a new NFL rule that says the first sack made against David Carr on any given play doesn't count. I actually think this rule would be pretty fair ... if you sack David Carr once, you have to let him get up, and then count 5 Mississippi before you can sack him again.

• Our waitress is sitting down and chatting with us now ... as it turns out, The Juice knows her. She starts telling us about a Halloween costume contest, where she won $200 for her ladybug costume. "My friends were like, 'How did you win with a ladybug costume?' and I was like, 'Well, I was half-naked'." See, I was worried that women weren't aware that Halloween had become a holiday designed to exploit them. But nope ... they're aware. That's a load off.

• Drew Brees has 336 passing yards at the half. Against Jacksonville, who I thought had a reasonably good defense. At this point, I'm buying the Saints resurgence more than I'm buying the Chargers resurgence.

• And that's partially because Adrian Peterson just can't be stopped today ... he's gashing the asshole of the Chargers defense, play after play.

• So naturally, Brad Childress gives Chester Taylor a few carries ... and he fumbles, almost immediately.

• Detroit is absolutely whitewashing the Broncos ... Jay Cutler has even returned to the game. It's 30-0, Detroit.

• Behind a Clinton Portis TD and an Antwaan Randle-El 2-point conversion, Washington's finally taken the lead against the Jets. It is time to rally, Kellen Clemens.

• By the way, I'd like to mention that Chad Pennington has taken his benching extremely graciously ... not that he had a choice, really. What was he going to do, scream, "This is bullshit, I AM CHAD PENNINGTON"? How could he expect anyone to keep a straight face through that?

• This might be my favorite camera shot of the year: TJ Houshmandzadeh's on the sidelines, showing Chad Johnson how to catch. I'm sure there's more to the conversation than that, but ... that's what it looks like. Housh is standing in front of him, barking at him, demonstrating what a guy's hands should look like when trying to catch a football.

• The Chargers currently have 35 rushing yards against 45 penalty yards. This is what happens when you're missing your starting center and you're going up against Vikings DT Pat Williams. You've also got to think that Norv Turner's a factor there.

• Marshawn Lynch throws his name into the conversation for "Best quarterback currently playing in Buffalo" and hits tight end Robert Royal with a TD pass. Royal then breaks out the Crank That Soulja Boy dance thing that's so popular with the kids these days.

• By the way, anyone know what the fuck that guy's saying in that song? Also, exactly how do you go about supermanning a ho? That sounds like something I'd like to try.

• And Sidney Rice of the Vikings gets loose for a long TD against the Vikings ... it's 21-14. The Chargers might come back to win this game, I don't know ... but as far as I'm concerned, they're being exposed right now. The Vikings have closed off the lanes for LaDainian Tomlinson, and they've taken Antonio Gates out of the game ... which puts things on the shoulder of Philip Rivers, who has regressed like an Alzheimer's patient.

• Big Shaun Rogers of the Lions intercepts a Broncos pass (yes, it's that bad) and starts trampling to the endzone at about the pace of a tugboat. Selvin Young catches him from behind and ... OHHH, HAVE SOME STIFF-ARM, MOTHERFUCKER. That's the greatest stiff-arm by a defensive lineman in the history of the NFL. I can't be sure, but Shaun Rogers may have just supermanned Selvin Young.

• Brett Favre launches a pass, falling backwards, off the wrong foot ... and it's a perfect strike down the middle to Greg Jennings for the touchdown. Just an amazing throw.

• Wait ... is this what it means to superman a ho? Because that's fucking sick. Who the fuck comes up with these things? And am I the last one to know this? Because when the rest of the white people in the world find out what they've been dancing to, they're going to be really upset. Fair warning.

• And that is certainly not what Shaun Rogers did to Selvin Young. I don't know if it would be more or less humiliating, though.

• Uh oh ... Larry Johnson's getting a free cart ride. He was primed to have a great second half of the season, from a fantasy standpoint. I don't know how serious it is, of course ... serious enough to warrant a cart ride, though. It's Priest time.

• The Nuge sends the Jets into overtime with the Redskins, with a last-second field goal.

• The Chargers are just being owned by Adrian Peterson ... it's one thing to shut the Chargers offense down. Their success the last couple of weeks was based more on the ass-awful play of their opponents ... that's not a total surprise. But the defense getting owned at the line of scrimmage like this, by the Vikings offensive line ... that is a surprise. I'm embarrassed.

• Oh boy ... Chad Johnson is down, and it doesn't look good. He's getting the full stretcher/neck-stabilizer treatment. His mouth is hanging open, and his hands are sort of floating about aimlessly as they wheel him off. Let's hope he's alright. What I wouldn't give to hear a random "HUE!" right now.

• And the Redskins top the Jets in overtime ... 'tis a shame. The Redskins fans in the joints just go crazy when the winning field goal goes through. Is that really an appropriate response? I mean, you barely beat the Jets ... concern and relief seem like more appropriate emotions than utter joy.

• But hey, who am I to judge ... my team just gave up 296 rushing yards to a rookie. And if Brad Childress had been Bill Belichick, Peterson would have had 400.

• Patriots/Colts is underway now, too ... early on, Joe Addai is just carving up the Patriots.

• I really don't feel like watching this. It's difficult to watch quality football being played when your favorite team has just been dominated in every phase of the game. I can't watch any decent football right now.

• What I'm saying is this: I've got a FEVER. And the only PRESCRIPTION ... is RAIDERS/TEXANS. Or I might just nap for a little while.

• My fantasy team also features three players from the Raiders/Texans game ... which is also not a good sign.

• There's some fucking idiot behind me, who, whenever a running back on his fantasy football team gets a carry, yells, "RUN IT! RUN IT!" As opposed to what, dickface, do the worm with it? He is running it. The decision to run the football has already been made, asshole. Why not add in a "MOVE TOWARDS THE ENDZONE!" or "TRY TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THE OTHER TEAM!" cheer?

• Seattle/Cleveland suits me just fine at the minute, too ... there's a Browns fan here with a throwback Bernie Kosar jersey on. I can't decide if this is one of the stranger jersey choices I've ever seen, or if it's just an indictment of the entire history of the Cleveland Browns. There may not be a better option.

• Ron Dayne has entered the game for the Texans ... and Ron Dayne is not fucking around today. He scoots through the Oakland defense to give the Texans a 14-0 lead. Losing 14-0 to the Texans at home, by the way, is not an indication of a good football team.

• Sebastian Janikowski, before the half, is lining up to attempt what would be an NFL record 64-yard field goal. Gary Kubiak calls time-out to ice him ... do we really need to ice guys before they try 64-yard field goals? Also, icing the kicker assumes that he has some sort of awareness of what's going on around him, which I'm not sure is the case with Sebastian Janikowski.

• Holy fuck. Janikowski missed, but ... he hit the upright, and he hit it at least halfway up the post. Two inches to the left, and that thing would've been good from 70. Easily. What a freakish leg on that guy ... it would be a shame to see him waste it if he wasn't a Raider.

• I'm ready to ease into Patriots/Colts a little bit ... one can only squeeze so much excitement from Raiders/Texans. Joseph Addai is doing some brilliant work catching the underneath balls ... he takes that one 73 yards down the sidelines for the touchdown.

• Oddness on that play: Randall Gay was chasing Joseph Addai ... as was Rodney Harrison, who was behind Randall Gay. Rodney Harrison, for some reason, decides to push Randall Gay down. I can't explain that. Maybe he hadn't gotten in his customary cheap shot this quarter, and Randall Gay had to be the one to pay for it.

• Ooooh ... No Country for Old Men, the movie. That commercial may be the most pleasing thing I've seen all day.

• That one-handed catch over the middle by Randy Moss ... that's just not fair. I don't have the first clue how that guy is able to do some of the things he does. It's almost not human.

• An actual cheer is heard in the room when the McDonalds "McRib is back" commercial comes on. The people love their McRibs.

• It's 13-10 Colts to start the 4th quarter ... and you know, regardless of what happens from here on out, I've gotten what I've wanted out of this game: the knowledge that someone can beat the Patriots. They might not hold on to do it, but the Colts played well enough to lead through three quarters, and that's good enough for me. I can at least leave here today feeling like the a Patriots championship is not a foregone conclusion. Likely, perhaps, but not a foregone conclusion.

• Marlin Jackson makes a nice defensive play for the Colts ... and the "RUN IT! RUN IT!" guy yells, "Yeah, Bill, go get your sweatshirt and cut it up, buddy!" Just vicious trash talk. This guy goes straight for the jugular. Thank God Belichick can't hear him ... he'd need weeks of therapy after that verbal torture.

• Big play: Peyton Manning completing a pass in a narrow spot to Dallas Clark to pick up a 3rd-and-15. The throw was impressive, the read maybe more so. The Colts finish the drive with a Peyton Manning sneak for a TD, and it's 20-10 in the 4th quarter. Hm.

• And just minutes later, Tom Brady goes deep to Randy Moss, and completely changes the complexion of the game. Unfuckingbelievable. The Colts are plodding along, efficiently and confidently, keeping things under control ... and the Patriots strike, just like that. Such is the magic of Randy Moss. It's a gain of 55, while Antoine Bethea was flagged for interference on the play.

• According to Phil Simms, Bethea also lined up 25 yards off the line of scrimmage against Moss ... and Moss still beat him deep.

• The Colts punt the ball away to Wes Welker, and Welker, astutely following this guy's "RUN IT!" instructions, gets the ball to the 50-yard line ... which is nice starting position when you're down 3, with 3:58 to play. Hard not to like the Patriots chances here.

• Kellen Winslow Jr. catches a ball inside the 1 for the Browns ... the play is reviewed to determine if he had crossed the goal line, and the call goes against the Browns. Winslow then has to spend the next 30 seconds trying to get his own fans to shut the fuck up with the Browns are on offense. It just stands in such stark contrast to Indy, where the crowd is always dead silent when Peyton Manning's operating.

• Hey, Tim Dwight scores a touchdown for the Raiders. When did he get back in the league?

• The Patriots score ... maybe too soon, though. They leave 3:10 on the clock for Peyton Manning from his own 24. Come on, Peyton ... lets make this happen. You lead a touchdown drive here, and I swear, I'll leave this place and go buy a Kenny Chesney album. I will. I promise.

• Ah, fuck. Manning's hit from behind, and fumbles the ball away to Roosevelt Colvin, and we're done here. Colvin, of course, has to trot to midfield and spike the ball directly down onto the Colts helmet. Thank God, I was afraid the Patriots were going to go an entire game without doing something to seem like assholes.

• I should've never made that Chesney promise. God thought it was more important that I be protected from the bad music and deviant gay messages you can hear when playing Chesney CDs backwards, than it was that good triumph over evil in the Colts/Patriots game. That was my fault.

• Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy meet at midfield, and exchange the least friendly handshake in the history of handshakes. You know what Bill Belichick could have done to gain my respect right there? He could've firmly grabbed Dungy's hand, pulled him in close, and said, "You know what else, Dunge? I love cock. I could suck it all day long. God, I love being gay," all the while, squeezing Dungy's hand and not letting him go. That would have made me a Patriots fan.