The Real Reason Michael Phelps Won't Meet With the Pope

Pareene — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 12:01:11 EDT

It's not because he got high (as we all know, the Pope smokes dope). The reason famous fish-person Michael Phelps won't meet with the Nazi Pope is buried deep in his family history, as revealed on his Wikipedia page.

It's all because of these seemingly unimportant words, from the "Personal Life" section of his user-generated biography: "His father, Fred Phelps...."

Michael Phelps' father is Fred Phelps. Unless there is more than one Fred Phelps in America, that means the Olympic champion swimmer's father is the psychotic ruler of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the creator of the famous slogan and website "God Hates Fags" and its slightly lesser known campaign, "Priests Rape Boys."

This is what Fred had the say on the occasion of the death of Pope John Paul II:

Deal with it, you idolatrous morons! The pope is in Hell. Westboro Baptist Church members are competent expert witnesses, having picketed hundreds of Catholic churches in all fifty states over the past fourteen years. We will bear witness on Judgment Day: Catholics are the meanest, most violent people on Earth, and their churches are filled with filthy fag priests. On John Paul II's watch, the Catholic Church became the CHURCH OF THE HOLY PEDOPHILES and sodomite feces and semen replaced bread and wine.

Fred Phelps' best writing is a witty combination of William S. Burroughs and Skeletor, isn't it?

Anyways, that is the real 100% true reason why noted waterbug Michael "God Hates Boats" Phelps will not meet with Pervert Pope Benedict XVI, The Godfather of Pedophiles.

Now head on over to Priestsrapeboys.com and enjoy their popular music video "Your Pastor Is a Whore."

A Very Brady Ash Wednesday

rickchand — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 14:00:00 EST

As was discussed here over the weekend, Tom Brady is going to be a daddy! (We've already got our baby shower gift picked out). It's never our place to judge, but we can't help but wonder how this whole thing is playing at home with the folks. Not only is their son not planning to marry the mom, actress Bridget Moynahan, but the two aren't even dating. But that type of behavior isn't exactly included in the Catholic playbook, and Brady is about as Catholic as one can get. In fact, his dad almost entered the seminary as a young man. From a 2005 article in the Boston Globe:

The father of the New England Patriots' two-time Super Bowl MVP quarterback studied seven years to be a Maryknoll priest before deciding to leave the seminary and later having a family.

Q: You have a deep love for your faith. Has [your son] inherited that? A: He's not in the seminary. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love it every bit as much. Absolutely, it's an important role for him.

So ... all we're saying is we'd like to be a fly on the wall during Easter dinner at the Brady home this year, just to count the awkward silences.

Meanwhile, at the Vatican, they're scrambling the fighter jets as The Pope is choosing his tallest, most bejeweled hat. This is the one they've been training for. This time, it's not a drill.

Brady Reportedly To Be Father With Moynahan [MSNBC]
Daddy Oh! Bridget's Pregnant, But Tom Has No Plans To Marry Ex-Galpal [Boston Herald]
Tom Brady's Father To Share His Faith [Boston Globe]

Deadspin: the pope

The Real Reason Michael Phelps Won't Meet With the Pope

A Very Brady Ash Wednesday