This week began with Terrell Owens getting into a limo and bailing on the whole enterprise. This entire competition took maybe two weeks of actual real world time to film in the Bahamas, but apparently Owens couldn't fit that into his schedule, jetting off to Bills training camp halfway through production. Since he's been completely dogging it the entire time—and was actually kicked off once already—I guess he just assumed that he wouldn't be there that long. Plus, he's got to be sick of his partner Joanna Krupa, who is now off the show through no fault of her own. (Besides being incredibly annoying.)

So now that any possibility of controversy or drama (read: good television) has been eliminated, we can go on with the charade.

Game One of tonight's episode was a relay foot race, which they've already done before and is incredibly boring to watch. The athletic people did well, the non-athletic people (Jeff Kent) didn't. The end. Bode Miller and Paige Hemmis, realizing that they weren't going to win the foot race, tanked, hoping to save their energy for the next event. Unbeknownst to them, the next event was bowling, a sport scientifically designed for lazy people. Backfire?

Personally, I think they should just bring back Celebrity Bowling. Check out that list of celebrities. We're talking reasonably big time people here. (For the 1970s, that is.) Michael Douglas was on that show and this was back when he was still kind of edgy. OK, he was never edgy, but why can't we can't get legitimate TV stars with lots of time on their hands to participate in this kind of crap more often? Like Kiefer Sutherland wouldn't just OWN the obstacle course?

Anyway, the bowling lane was built over a swimming pool, yet somehow the game was not designed to force anyone to fall in and get wet, which just boggles the mind. Lisa Leslie/Baywatch Guy and Jeff Kent/Doritos Girl ended up in the final obstacle course run, just like last week, and Jeff and Ali lost, just like last week. (They were let back in, because T.O. quit.) So we're right back where we started and ABC wasted 59 minutes of perfectly good airtime.

Then, only then, underneath the final credits, does Kristi Leskinen appear in a bikini for the first time all series. Do they deliberately not want ratings? Why isn't she on water slides the entire episode? Sheesh.

Still better than the All-Star Game I think. I feel asleep during that.

The Superstars [ABC]

If you'll recall, Robert Horry and Estella Warren were booted last week, which was perfect timing, because this week the contestants got to play basketball! I hope no one wanted to see Big Shot Rob show off his one marketable skill. But more on that later. First ... swimming!

Julio Iglesias Jr. is like a fish. He got stuck with the slowest swimming partner in Brandi Chastain, but motored past everyone in the 100-meter or so water dash to save second place for his team. Kristi Leskinen and Maksim Chmerkovskiy won this event easily, because they are the only team where at least one partner is not constantly tripping over their own feet. As long as they stick to contests that don't involve any real sports skill, there's no way they don't win this thing. So hey, let's play some hoops!

Remember, one person left actually gets paid to shoot basketballs for a living, so you would think said person would have a distinct advantage in a Rock-n-Jock style shoot-around. You know what happens when you assume?

Look, everyone picks on the WNBA, but ... can you really blame everyone? Lisa Leslie, former league MVP, clanged about 10 jumpshots in a minute and her team failed miserably in the only sport that any of these "superstars" actually plays. If they'd some how rigged up a downhill skiing contest and Bode Miller lost, wouldn't he be embarrassed too? This is not a good commercial for your fundamentally sound league.

(Tangent: Speaking of commericals, did you see the spots for "Dating In The Dark"? People go on literal blind dates, making out with strangers in a pitch-black room, in order to prove that everyone on Earth is a superficial a-hole. It's gold, Jerry.)

So Brandi and Julio won the day, and even started this weird kiss on the cheek ritual, because that's what the son of Julio Iglesias does. Terrell Owens and Bode Miller have mastered the obstacle course—and it really is a lame obstacle course—so their teams managed to stay alive. That left Lisa Leslie/David Chavret and Jeff Kent/Ali Landry in the final obstacle course relay. In the same way that the Lisa was not an advertisement for the WNBA's fundamentals, Jeff Kent is not advertisement for baseball's calisthenics regimen. He got smoked by a fake lifeguard and he and Ali ended up going home.

But I think they learned a lot about themselves and the power of Ali's sports bras.

The Superstars [ABC]

Joanna Krupa and Terrell Owens' Team Ego failed miserably on the first week of The Superstars, but Week Two began with the announcement that Jennifer Capriati had suffered a mysterious injury and would not be continuing. The solution? Bring back T.O.'s team! Oh, and look ... this week's events just happen to be sprinting and jumping. Do you think an NFL wide receiver might be good at that?

The first half-hour of the show involved the always riveting "running in a straight line competition," in which Owens destroyed the competition. Even when half-assing it—and with maybe the slowest possible partner—he cruised to victory. And when he did decide to turn it on, his speed is actually kind of impressive. Julio Iglesias Jr. didn't stand a chance!

At least the event did provide the first legit injury of the competition. Dan Cor-tay-zay blew out his hammy running across a beach. Cortese is down! Cortese is down! He even went to a awesome Bahamas hospital. This shit is for reals, yo. (Capriati's old partner, David Charvet, took his place.)

The next event was a water long jump. Couldn't the producers have found an event that played more to Terrell's strengths, like "who can run the best post route" or "crying at press conferences"? Owens actually botched his jump, but still managed to advance thanks to his showing is the sprint. Iglesias was actually impressive thanks to some world class jumper's form (before having the greatest wipeout) and Bode Miller is shaping up to be the most dangerous of the athletes. Of course, he's a skier, so the oxygen depletion may catch up to him at some point. Oh, and Jeff Kent took his shirt off, which was not good for anyone.

Ironically (but not really), the worst jumper of all is the basketball player. The competition isn't really designed for retired 6'10" dudes with bad knees and Robert Horry's age is showing. Plus, he's paired with Estella Warren who is playing way above her fighting weight and is probably the least athletic celebrity in the bunch. They ended up in the obstacle course final against Bode Miller and Paige Hemmis, and predictably, they flamed out.

I just realized that I have no idea what these people are playing for. Charity? A trophy? A lifetime supply of Icy/Hot? It would actually be kind of awesome if there was no reward at the end, but everyone assumed there was because they weren't really paying attention to their agents. The look on Joanna Krupa's face alone, when she finds out she up with Owens for two weeks for nothing more than bragging rights, would make the whole enterprise worthwhile.

The moral of the story is that when you are a valuable commodity, producers will do anything to keep you on TV. But if Dan Cortese doesn't come back our lives will all be a little emptier.

The Superstars [Full episode @ ABC.com]
Previously: The Superstars Loses Its Superstar

Granted, it wasn't like watching Joe Frazier trying to swim, but it was loads of fun watching Robert Horry attempt to ride a bicycle made for someone half his size. Kudos to ABC for making an athletic competition that somehow makes everyone look un-athletic. Here's a brief recap for the TV impaired.

The show began with 8 teams—one athlete paired with a reasonably attractive celebrity. The big surprise of the first episode is that Dan Cortese (paired with Lisa Leslie) has apparently changed the pronunciation of his name to "Dan Cor-TAY-zay," with that extra Italian flourish. The first event was a crazy walk/bike race where both players had to complete a one-mile road course with only one bike between the two of them. Maksim Chmerkovskiy doesn't know how to ride a bike! Poor Jennifer Capriati ends up running the entire course, because she lost her team's bike. Brandy Chastain and Julio Iglesias Jr. quickly establish themselves as the team to beat.

The team with the greatest sexual tension is, of course, Ali Landry and Jeff Kent. She makes sure to mention that she just had a baby so that he doesn't get any ideas, even though he already has, because who wouldn't?

Round two: A kayak relay-race. John Saunders—clearly along for a free trip to the Bahamas—works his heart out on the play-by-play, constantly marveling at how bad Terrell Owens is at this game. Skier Kristi Leskinen decides to just hit people in the face with her paddle and her team wins. At the end of the two events, Jeff/Ali and T.O./Joanna square off in rubber match kayak race to see who falls into the elimination round. Owens, shockingly, keeps falling out of the boat and his team loses—leading to the aborted post-race press conference above where Joanna plays the part of an arrogant wide receiver who is getting the ball enough perfectly.

Now it's time for the incredibly lame obstacle course that isn't nearly as exciting as the commercials for Wipeout airing during the same show. It's become clear that tall people are at an extreme disadvantage in this contest, as Owens, Robert Horry and Leslie Leslie all get their long legs caught in the cargo net for extended periods of time. The Leslie/Cortaysay team end up battling the T.O./Krupa squad in a loser-goes home finale—that T.O. somehow loses, leading to Joanna's expletive filled tirade. He really is bad at this game! Saunders can't believe it!

Neither can ABC's producers, I'm sure, who just saw their one actual superstar bounced from the first round. They must have thought it was quite a coup to land an actual living athlete on their game show, but now they will have to soldier on without him. I'm reasonably certain, however, that T.O. threw the whole thing because he hated his partner and realized about ten seconds into the first day that he is way above this nonsense. (He isn't, but still.)

I am not, however, and will continue these recaps until every team is eliminated or my mind is literally blown away by a vuvuzela. Agony of defeat, etc.

Actually, ABC is playing with the formula a bit, pairing famous athletes with slightly less famous "celebrities" for a co-ed team competition that will eliminate one pairing a week until an ultimate champion is declared King of Unscripted TV. Wait until you see these teams:

• Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens ... and model Joanna Krupa!
• Retired redneck Jeff Kent ... and retired Dorito girl Ali Landry!
• "Big Shot" Robert Horry ... and "actress" Estella Warren!
• Downhill skier Bode Miller ... and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition star Paige Hemmis!
• Freestyle skier Kristi Leskinen ... and Dancer With The Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy!
• Sports bra spokeswoman Brandi Chastain ... and Julio Iglesias, Jr.!

and my two favorites:

• Tennis dropout Jennifer Capriati ... and Melrose Place "star" David Charvet!
• Female dunk machine Lisa Leslie ... and Dan Cortese!

There are at least six names in that group that I thought I might never hear again. Dan Cortese? Jennifer Capriati? Paige Hemmis? (That's the first time I've heard that one, actually.) This is seriously stretching the definition of the word "Superstar," but more importantly it stretches the "can't look away" trainwreck factor to dangerous levels. My DVR is hungry.

The eight teams will compete weekly in events including swimming, biking, running and kayaking. One team will be eliminated each week, leading up to the finals.

Oh no—not more swimming. That's how we nearly lost Joe Frazier....

T.O., baby! Owens set for new-look 'Superstars' [ABC 11]
Terrell Owens to Headline Latest Reincarnation of "The Superstars" [Black Sports Online]
The Superstars Show from the 1970's will return [Plain Dealer]
Stars & Athletes Pair Up For ABC Reality Competition 'The Superstars' [NBC LA]