If it were suicide, who can blame him? How could one not be overcome with remorse after allowing Bill O'Reilly to appear on one's new Versus sports show? How kind of Miller's Fox News overlords to wait until Week 3 of Unfiltered with Dennis Miller to force him to trot out Billo, who lumbered out from underneath the bridge he was guarding to appear in a taped segment during the ever-popular "Ask Dennis" portion of the show. O'Reilly's question had something to do with Ricky Williams and hemp and was embarrassing even to Miller himself. Listen O'Reilly, if I want to gaze at your enormous, freakish head I'll log on to Google Earth like everyone else.

The vital statistics:

• Mistake of the Week. Referred to the Kansas City Chiefs head coach as "Norm Edwards."

• Number of times said the word "cat" in reference to a person: Seven.

• Event of the Week: The Stub Hub Legends Classic (a real event, actually, I think).

• Unfortunate Simile of the Week: "He was more stoned than a Syrian adulteress."

• Guests: Jose Canseco, Bruce Pearl, Warren Sapp.

• Best line:. (By Sapp) "I've played for 13 years, and that takes a toll. If I'm going to continue, I'm going to have to go see Jose ..."

• Other references. CEC (Chronic Expansion Committee) ... Sean Combs' rec room ... Leon Lett ... The Jackie Gleason Show ... himself wearing a sports bra.

OK, I'll admit it: I didn't see the entire show. I apologize. I'm supposed to be watching this thing so that you don't have to, but it's likely to go the standard 12 episodes before cancellation and I'm not made of metal. I'd rather watch The Vagina Monologues while dressed as Princess Margaret, drinking warm beer in a basement in Falluja than watch one more minute of this. I never thought I'd say this, but save me, Frank TV!

Sports Unfiltered With Dennis Miller [Versus]

Yes, Sports Unfiltered With Dennis Miller lurched gloriously into Week 2 on Tuesday, proving that the writers strike is only something to worry about if you have writers. There's something depressing about Sports Unfiltered being the only talk show in live production right now, but then we knew that Dennis isn't exactly Tom Joad when it comes to labor issues. Neither is Charles Barkley, evidently, who was the first guest.

Guest Numero Dos was Ultimate Fighting Championship president Dana White, whose sport is — surprise! — featured on Versus! The UFC is something that Miller would have vivisected with relish in his stand up act, but since Versus features Ultimate Cage Fighting, this exciting sport is the next big thing, babe! (Actual quote: "There has never been a recorded death in UFC history. What's your secret?").

But we barely scratch the surface. Let's go to the vital statistics.

• WTF Statement of the Week: "YA Tittle suited up in a moth bucket while wearing Capri pants."

• Word of the Week: Labraoodle.

• Outright Lie of the Week. (Concerning the Tahoe Celebrity Golf Tournament): "I'm going to try and come back this year."

• Event of the Week: First Annual Toon Town Open.

•Questionable Simile of the Week: "Played more often than a Goonies DVD at Michael Jackson's place."

• Team of the Week: Tampa Bay Suck Weasels.

• Other references: Hope and Crosby ... the Androgeny Cup ... auto fellatio ... Darrel Imoff ... Chuck Bednarik ... Shula's Catfish Hut ... Shula's Pastry Emporium ... Church of Shula Jesus ... Cannonball Run III ... Travis Henry ... Sen. Larry Craig's Quick Recall Sperm Bank ... George Will ... Andy Reid's breakfast calzone ... purple nurples.

• Brandon Lang Pick of the Previous Week: Vikings plus 6 1/2 over the Packers.

The highlight for me, however, was during the Ask Dennis segment, in which a guy named Bob asked a videotaped question about something or other. Dennis paused and noted: "Bob kind of threw me off there. He seems to be going bald up front, yet his hair is long in the back." Yeah, hilarious. Not everyone can afford hair plugs like you, cha-cha.

Sports Unfiltered promises to pull no punches, and as proof, just take a look at one of their promos. You may notice that our hero promotes bull riding as "a real sport." Versus happens to feature bull riding. Yeah, Orwell, Huxley, Miller ... all cut from the same cloth.

Anyway, let's go to the debut show's vital statistics:

• WTF Statement of the Week. "The next big sport will involve tiny dwarfs strapped to the backs of rabid hyenas on a slowly moving river barge."

• This Week's Word. Priapism.

• This Week's French Word. Bouliabaisse.

• Event of the Week. The All-Fetish Invitational at Hamburg, Germany.

• Guests. Curt Schilling, Al Michaels, Brandon Lang.

• Gratuitous 1930s Reference. "You look like FDR at Warm Springs."

• Gratuitous 1970s Reference. "Willie Mays ended up with the Mets."

• Statement That Was So Inexact That It Made Bill James Throw Up. "The Red Sox went something like 80 years without a championship, then they won two in the past several."

• Other References. Robolock, God of the Harvest ... Lou Piniella, the loveable domanatrix ... Ike Turner ... snuff films ... fish who say f###.

Segments included a rant, some interviews, a Weekend Update-style news spot, and the delightful "Ask Dennis", in which he answers viewer e-mail in — astonishingly — dismissive, mocking fashion. Overall, Miller's latest TV effort retains the air of all of the ones before it: Different at first, then confusing and tiresome, and ultimately canceled. If you disagree, why not head on over to the studio in Santa Barbara where they tape it, because they're looking for audience members. And possibly writers.

Time For The 2007 SHOTY Nominations [Deadspin]
Ask Dennis [Versus]
Dennis Miller Is Coming And It Seems There Is Nothing We Can Do About It [Deadspin]