The latest utility man to be folded into Theo Epstein's spokes is dry humping enthusiast Chris Duncan, who the Sox acquired from St. Louis for Julio "Hands of Stone" Lugo and then promptly shipped off to AAA Pawtucket. That should end that five-game losing streak! In addition, they took Adam LaRoche off the hands of Pittsburgh, even though Boston already has an All-Star at his primary position. You know just in case someone needs a breather. Must be nice for them, as my mom might say.

And the poor Pirates. This is the fifth regular starter they've traded in the last year and their double play combo of Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez is not far behind. Do they even qualify as a baseball team anymore? They only exist to fill in as the rainy-day backup plan for real teams that are actually trying to win. They should either be disbanded or sold to Mark Cuban, because I'm not sure how much self-destruction one fan base can take.

Oh, wait. They still have the Steelers and Penguins. So screw them.

Cardinals add depth in trade for Lugo [MLB]
No LaRoche without Youkilis [Boston Globe]
LaRoche leaves as conflicted as his performance [Post-Gazette]

As you know by now, the Red Sox do not plan on starting Buchholz again this season, even though he threw a no-hitter in his last start. (We know they claimed they would take him out the minute he hit his 120th pitch, even if he still had a no-hitter. We still refuse to believe this.) This kind of blows our mind a little bit. We understand he is a young pitcher, and you have to protect him. We do remember Bud Smith, after all.

But here's a question: When Buchholz throws in the bullpen, he'll surely give up a hit or two. But what if he throws a no-hitter in his next start, presumably next season? Does that tie him with Johnny Vander Meer's no-hit record? Does it still count? It's an odd question to even consider asking; we never thought we'd face it before.

The major point, though, is that Theo Epstein is as disciplined a human being as we have ever encountered. The guy has a plan and will not diverge from it. We suspect this is only good for the Red Sox, even if it does prove him bionic.

The Buchholz Dilemma [Vegas Watch]

During the trade deadline, you can really see the true personality of most general managers come out — how their mind works, their vision, their souls. Take the recent Julio Mateo "trade" for example. Given that Mateo was accused of beating the shit out of his wife last May, the Mariners decided to ditch him. However, the Philadelphia Phillies still went out and embraced this PR nightmare. With Mateo's background, the messy Brett Myers situation from last year (which they also handled poorly) comes back into focus as well. Thing is, they seemingly don't care. GM Pat Gillick's response to how seriously they take the issue of domestic abuse can be summed up thusly: "We take it very seriously...when our bullpen isn't decimated by injuries."

However, it's little unfair to knock the Phillies, given the fact that Gillick hasn't set his team up for the amount of backlash that could potentially befall the Seattle Mariners' brass. Both Chuck Armstrong, president of the Mariners, and general manager Bill Bavasi went on record as stating that the reason Julio Mateo was cut was because of the abuse. Mateo was suspended for 10 days and demoted to Triple-a while awaiting trial. Armstrong even went as far to tell Seattle Times columnist Jerry Porter that even if it was a franchise player involved in the same situation, the result would've been the same; the Mariners, he said, are committed to upholding the righteousness of a franchise.

Let's not forget, however, that Mateo has denied the charges against him. Kind of.:

"That's a lie. They can't prove that. I didn't do anything. They said she had a black eye. What I know is that was not true. The way it was put in the newspaper, it did not happen that way."

See? And to further demonstrate, he punched the female reporter in the face.

What Armstrong is doing is setting a precedent for his team that, although noble, seems unrealistic. Especially if Felix Hernandez's girlfriend gets mouthy one night and he, you know, shakes her a little to shut her up. Is he also getting booted, or just some anger-management counseling in the offseason?

Everybody's human. We all make mistakes. Even the front office guys with the painted on smiles that sign the checks. And one day, a suit will fall.

So this week, I'm spit-shining my wingtips, putting on my Gordon Gekko mask and placing odds on the first MLB general manager to veer off the path of righteousness.

Greed. Good. More.

J.P. Ricciardi: 4/1

Ricciardi had his "trustworthiness" questioned by Torontoians after B.J. Ryan's arm blew up, suggesting that J. P. was aware of the risk and forged ahead anyway. That only scratches the surface of his oiliness; if you probe a little deeper, you'll find that Ricciardi is a full-blown mobster. Once he's audited by the IRS, there'll be allegations of racketeering, extortion and a bunch of other charges you'll usually find attached to the names of Italians with buckets of money. Don't be surprised if you find the Jays' affairs officer Matthew Shubert hanging in a meat locker before all of this goes down.

Omar Minaya: 3/1

Although he's one of the more elegant looking GM's in the major, don't be fooled by appearances. Underneath that corporate polish there lies the soul of a Dominican. Remember his full name is Omar Teodoro Antonio Minaya y Sanchez, and any person with the single letter 'y' in their name is a shifty individual up to no good. As is a man with Sanchez in their name. And Antonio. If you enter Minaya's office right now, you'll find it filled with machetes and cocaine.

Theo Epstein: 2/1

The fair-haired boy of Boston has avoided salacious controversy, even though he's a young dude who not only plays in a band, but also happens to be GM of the most revered group of Red Sox in history. Put anyone else in that situation with less guile, and they're likely to be plastered all over the front pages of the Globe once a week with their teeth attached to the nipple of BC's finest co-eds. But Theo's kept his private life remarkably private — take his surprise wedding last January as a case in point — so there has to be incriminating evidence he hasn't cleaned up somewhere along the way during his tenure. Most likely there's a Wild Things-style tape safely locked away some where in Peter Gammons' house.

Ken Williams: 1/4

Even when he's in a good mood, White Sox GM Ken Williams still appears like he's only one step away from slapping somebody. He's the epitome of the Angry Black Man, and his temper will surely get the best of him in the next year, ending all the goodwill accumulated from winning the World Series with the White Sox in 2005. I'm leaning towards a Winter Meetings dust-up with Erin Andrews, as he'll be seen on camera threatening her: "Woman, if you don't get that microphone outta my face, I will cut you."

Epstein, who turned 33 last Dec. 29, has been fiercely protective of his privacy, especially in regard to his engagement to Whitney, 28, who was pursuing graduate studies in health care policy at Harvard four years ago when she became a volunteer at Horizons for Homeless Children, which addresses the needs of homeless children in family shelters throughout the state.

Epstein, who proposed to Whitney at Davio's restaurant in the Back Bay last May, did not formally announce his engagement, and chafed at media reports about their pending nuptials.

We love that Boston is so crazy about baseball that the wedding of the Red Sox general manager would require a media blackout. Contrary to early reports, Epstein did not get married at Coney Island in Brooklyn, which is good, because it's freaking freezing here.

Hitch Was In His Plan [Boston Globe]

(UPDATE: Awesome. Turns out, the wedding press release was a hoax by Epstein's father, and the Boston Globe got itself taken. Good work!)

One guy who isn't, though, is (of course) Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who at this point could toss a flaming bag of his own poo right in the face of Johnny Pesky and still couldn't get any less popular among Red Sox faithful.

[Epstein] undermined the credibility of the entire Boston front office by straddling the fence regarding his place in the organization. He repeatedly refused offers to return, but would not rule out coming back. He revealed himself to be every bit the cutthroat politician Lucchino is. He's been at best, immature and at worst, duplicitous.

"Yeah, Boston, and your dog is ugly too. Look, I'm gonna kick it. Take that, dog!" The best take on this is from Baseball Musings, which points out the Red Sox's interaction with Epstein is almost identical to the Yankees' with Billy Martin, back in the day. That made us very happy; maybe Epstein will grow a mustache?

Change Of Heart [Boston Globe]
Now Where Were We? [Soxaholix]
The Theo Views [Baseball Musings]

The answers are even different than a typical press conference, with interesting responses to interesting questions. And the best part: He even uses an emoticon! ("I shortened your 12 questions, JP, into 2. :D ") This is outstanding. We support baseball owners users emoticons at all possible moments. Mark Cuban could be pumped up three times the normal size, screaming all the time. Daniel Snyder could be a miniature head with tweedy glasses. And Al Davis? The Al Davis emoticon has shades, a Frankie Avalon pompadour and brings in all the stray emoticons that have crashed other people's computers. It could be fun, you know? Maybe it's too early in the morning.

John Henry Questions [Sons Of Sam Horn]

The great minds at Yard Work capture this brilliantly in a new mock post called "Theo Epstein: What s On Your iPod?" Our personal favorite:

Pearl Jam - "Betterman" A great song off a great album. When I was in college, I didn t really "get" Vitalogy, especially the more experimental tracks like "Tremor Christ" and "foxymophandle." I wanted "Evener Flow" and "Even More Flow," you know? But songs like "Betterman" - written by Eddie when he was 14! - cut through all that willful "artistic" confusion and cut to the quick like the best Pearl Jam does. Reports says the new Jam - coming soon! - is going to be fantastic. You know I m stoked.

Honestly: You can't tell us Epstein hasn't had these exact thoughts before. (For the record, we don't hate Pearl Jam either.)

"Theo Epstein: What s On Your iPod?" [Yard Work]

This, of course, seems highly unusual, particularly after Epstein was essentially torched by management and the Boston Globe, to the point the dude actually escaped wearing a gorilla costume. Remember how we were all hoping that Epstein would take a year off and come back all grizzly and talking about hemp? In order of preference, we hope that Epstein goes mountain man, then we hope he comes back to the Red Sox and, last place, he takes over as GM of, like, the Rockies or something equally dumb. Mostly, though, we hope someone puts a knee in Shaughnessy's groin. That might be fun.

Return Of The Boy Wonder? [Baseball Musings]
The Real Reason Theo's Gone [Deadspin]

Theo reportedly spent some time monkeying around the baseball operations office in the monkey suit then left the building, right under the noses of the assembled media horde! "It was Halloween and no one thought anything of it," said Someone Who Was There. "He went right past the reporters, listened to what they were saying for a while, then jetted home."

Honestly, it wouldn't surprise us if Epstein disappears for three years, not a trace, and then comes back, Andy Kaufman-esque, telling tales of Atlantis.

By the way, two excellent resources for last words on the Epstein story:
• Boston Sports Media has a dialogue about Dan Shaughnessy that sums up everything you'd need to know.
• We might make fun of him a little here, but Our Boy Bill Simmons' column about this whole debacle is truly outstanding, touching on what happens, exactly, when someone reaches their dream too fast, too soon, too much.

Who Knew? Gorilla Was In Their Midst [Boston Herald] (via BenMaller.com)

From many accounts, Epstein was close to saddling back up with the BoSox until Shaughnessy wrote Sunday's column that basically implied Epstein was an ingrate who upset his "mentors". From Boston blog Sheriff Sully, via Baseball Musings:

Only one man on this planet could ve given Shaughnessy the information he had. The way in which Shaughnessy presented it was nothing short of sickening. He defended the Sox and [Sox president Larry] Lucchino no less than a dozen times. Bob Ryan would ve resigned before writing that bogus crap and the Globe knows that. However, Lucchino more than likely didn t even bother going through channels and just called Shaughnessy himself.

The Sheriff — who says the affair has "all but ended my lifelong love affair with the Boston Red Sox" — is hardly alone. The Boston Herald — which kicked the Globe's ass on this story repeatedly — quoted sources saying, "A leading contributing factor, according to sources close to the situation, was a column in Sunday s Boston Globe in which too much inside information about the relationship between Epstein and his mentor, team president and CEO Larry Lucchino, was revealed — in a manner slanted too much in Lucchino s favor." Some samplings from Sons Of Sam Horn show just how pissed Sox fans are:

"F'in CHB angling for a new curse book, I'm betting. I'm vomitting."

"I seriously want a retraction, explanation and apology from Dan Curly-Q. I mean, I was his last defender. He may now have played a hand in the set-back of this organization. Should he sell another book profiting off this mess (or others) he should and will burn in hell. Next to Larry Lucchino."

"CHB, from a March interview:
RSN: So, you feel that the story is more important than the team as far as being a writer goes?
DS: Absolutely. Always root for the story! That is what it is all about.
Not that I'll read it, but he's got one now."

To use the words of a Deadspin reader, "I mean, shouldn't fans be at the doors of the Globe this morning with torches and pitchforks?"

A Few Bad Men [Sheriff Sully]
Epstein Out As Red Sox GM [Boston Herald]
Let's Iron Out Some Of This Dirty Laundry [Boston Globe]

(By the way, "CHB" is short for "Curly Haired Boyfriend," a term Carl Everett once used to describe Shaughnessy. For much more on this story than we can provide, we highly encourage you to check out Boston Sports Media and Dan Shaughnessy Watch.)

Anyway, we bring all this up because New Yorkers are all in a lather over whether or not GM Brian Cashman (the very definition of a short, balding guy) will return to the team. He has been offered a three-year deal worth $5 million, which sounds like a lot until you consider that's less money than, say, Tony Womack.

Our favorite part of this ongoing nerd GM saga is that Epstein is considering a career outside the sports world, if he decides that the Red Sox haven't offered him enough money. We'd love to see his resume: "STRENGTHS: Ending 86 years of misery. WEAKNESSES: Carrying heavy things."

Cashman To Decide On Yanks Soon [NJ.com]
The Cult Of The General Manager [Slate]