The Clintonville Middle School band had planned to head to Orlando for Spring Break; they've been fundraising for 10 months. "This will literally be a once in a lifetime thing. It's our one-time shot," said their band director, masterfully employing pathos.

The big ticket was Tiger, oh we were counting on Tiger. He came in the week before the concert ... A big 16 x 20, double fist pump, autographed in gold, we were really excited," said [Tami] Bagstad.

The culmination of their fundraising was an auction, where the centerpiece would be an autographed 16 x 20 of Tiger Woods. They got it from his staff, and were all set to raise the last couple thousand to put Disney World within reach.

Then...you know.

The photo went for all of $300, leaving the band well short of what they needed. So, way to go Tiger. Not only did you let down your family, your sponsors and your fans, but some apple-cheeked Wisconsonite children who just wanted to see the Magic Kingdom before they die.

Woods Picture Disappoints Middle School [WLUK]

The two apparently connected at Tiger's bachelor party and had "pretty simple, straight up sex." Her account, via Brooks:

Sampson: "I f-– Tiger Woods. … Me and my girlfriends did a bachelor party for Tiger and it was amazing. And then he (Woods) picked me to go in the room. I have to say he was really good. … I think it's pretty amazing. He's (Woods) like the whitest black boy you've ever met. His teeth are perfect and he's the perfect gentleman. He's beautiful."

So there you go. Tiger Woods is basically George Hamilton, only whiter.

Here's the video (censored but still probably unsafe for work, unless you work for Rachel Uchitel):

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. AJ may be appearing on your teevee this evening, unless the poodles bump him again. Barry's here tonight, I believe.

• Rachel Uchitel apparently held a press conference with Ok! magazine to repurpose her "not a whore" platform. Oh and she's acquired herself a mystery man in a poofy coat and douche-glasses.

• It's amazing how many of Tiger's ad slogans make you feel all icky now. [DailyBeast]

• Ben Greenman is our generation's Tim Rice having sex on Ambien. [New Yorker]

• ®® pounds out an 800-word slow jam to help fix Tiger: "To my wife, to my kids, to my family, to my friends, to my fans, I am so sorry. You believed in me. You looked up to me. You thought I was different, and I let you down. I'm ashamed of myself. My mom is ashamed of me. I'm sure my dad would be ashamed of me. I'm an idiot." Then he has to go full Tebow: "From this day forward, you will never see somebody work harder, 24 hours a day, to win back your trust." [ESPN]

PHOTO: Naples News

•Bobby Bowden says he won't do any fundraising for Florida State after he retires. He'll be living the dream of many of his players, who want to cut the cord with FSU, but can't seem to graduate.

•Commercials featuring Tiger Woods haven't appeared in prime time since Nov. 29. Which doesn't sound right, because I swear every time I turn on my TV, there he is.

•Three-way trades! Don't you love them? The Yankees get the big name in Curtis Granderson, but the Tigers are the big winners with a can't-miss OF prospect, two young starters and a bullpen lefty. The Diamondbacks, true to form, get shat on.

•Danica Patrick will run a limited schedule on NASCAR's Nationwide Series. It'll likely be the first time feminine hygiene products sponsor a car since Jeff Gordon's.

•The Celtics won their 8th straight, pulling away from Milwaukee. Orlando kept pace, meaning the two are tied at 17-4 — and ten teams are under .500. Much like basketball games don't matter until 5 minutes left in the fourth, I'll just turn on the TV in time for the conference finals.

•••••

Happy Wednesday. Go make some instant coffee.

Simply stunning. Unfortunately, Miss James has yet to return our phone call, but I'm sure she's being contacted by many others outlets right now who would like to speak with her about whether or not she was guilty of serving some bad fish to Barbro Holmberg last night. Keep your profile low, Miss James. You're no snitch. In any case, time to update the Paramour-O-Meter:

Interesting times over here today and things will possibly weirder. I've been instructed to "clean myself up" by Mr. Denton since I'm apparently being courted by some television-types to appear on air early tomorrow morning. He actually told me to stop "carousing so much." Which was awesome.

So watch out for that dumb shit and I'll try to find a loofah and hair gel and some sort of blazer so I won't horrify people too much as a I help feed their insatiable appetite for Tiger Talk.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Oh let me sleep, it's almost Christmastime.

The biggest misconception about the Tiger cheating scandal is that Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of the first three women named by the tabloids, were his full-time lovers. They may have been at some point (especially Rachel, some say on numerous occasions) but that was not their primary function. No, Uchitel's main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions to various tournaments, charity functions and fuck-and-run private-jet weekends with his Fortune 500 party pals that he seemed to enjoy so much. Kalika Moquin? Many Las Vegas insiders doubt that she ever slept with Tiger. But she did set him up with some sweet VIP service at The Bank or at Bare like any good hostess would: a roomful of available girls with a certain look that Tiger wanted, flown in just for the occasion. This is the world of high-end nightclub VIP treatment, where velvet ropes guard comfy, cloistered areas with leathery couches and bottles of Grey Goose, everything catered to the wishes of the much sought-after professional athlete clientele. And, yes, sports fans, that means loading their velvet-roped stable with fake-boobied ponies to fuck. "The fact that people don't understand that these affairs are well-orchestrated is pretty naive," says one VIP concierge who has worked with Uchitel (we'll call him "Serge" for the sake of not always having to say "VIP Concierge Number 1" when using his quotes). "Rachel Uchitel works for Tiger the minute he gets off the plane wherever he is: from dinner, to photos, to nightclubs, to drugs, to girls — whatever he wants."

And Tiger's a mighty whale. Serge estimates she's probably on retainer for about 10-15k per month to handle all his dirty business, and the tips for successful Tiger poontang-wrangling (among other things) could net her upwards of 50k in tips. Rachel knows not to mess around with somebody like Tiger; that whole "I didn't bang Tiger!" charade she pulled with anybody who asked after the National Enquirer tailed her to Melbourne may have been somewhat true (meaning: she's not his main chick), but Tiger's probably not concerned with whatever she has to say about their true-or-false copulation activities — he's more concerned that she knows how Tiger's been feeding off a menu of 20-and-30-something bubbleheads for years provided to him by Uchitel via her concierge service. No, it's not exactly prostitution — but these girls are flown in from LA to Vegas for a weekend of all-expenses and free drinks and admission into this world of über-rich sleaziness. If a famous athlete takes an interest, they certainly have the option to do whatever it is they want (no pressure!). So Rachel? She basically got caught in Melbourne on one of her many girl-corralling expeditions for one of her most important clients, which is a crucial part of her job.

"She knows everybody and everybody knows her," Serge says. "The clubs pay her big money for the clients that she brings in. She's not a fucking floozy or nothing. She's a real event planner. She's not just some girl that lifts up the velvet rope and sucks guy's dicks. She's the kind of girl that when you talk to her, you know, she's all business. She's beautiful, she's smart and her agenda is to land big clients — not big boyfriends." And if Uchitel were to start dishing, then plenty of other Sportsmen of the Year — not to mention certain members of the media who cover them — would suffer a similar fate as Tiger. There are many, many, many doors that many, many, many people would prefer stay tightly closed for now.

So think of Rachel not as a spurned mistress but more as a faithful confidante in Woods' elite inner circle. She knows where all the coochie is buried (even more than we know at this time), and if there has been any kind of financial transaction made for her silence, it was done with that in mind. Another equally viable alternative is that Rachel had the good sense to know she'll have quite a career for herself in this "legit" business once all this Tiger mess has passed. She knows how to honor the omerta of all VIP hosts that Tiger paid big money for her to observe.

Same thing Kalika, whom Serge describes as a "goody-two-shoes" of the Vegas nightlife scene, someone who's so meticulous about her work that she'd never entertain the notion of sleeping with Tiger simply because it would be very bad for business. "Fucking Tiger would be really terrible for her reputation as a marketing and event planner for these places. There's big money in that. She's legit, dude!" (Yes, Serge says, "Legit, dude!" just as you'd expect he would.)

The one girl who didn't surprise anyone in this mess is budding reality star Jaimee Grubbs. According to VIP Concierge # 2 (let's call him, I don't know, "Jorge"), she was wrangled for a weekend, possibly by some folks at The Bank (where Kalika just so happened to work), but she was always such an attention whore that a kajillion-word Us Weekly article buttressed with saved text messages and voicemails fit her profile to a capital extra "E." "Everyone on the scene knew who Jaimee was in Vegas the minute she stepped off the plane," Jorge says. "She dated a guy at The Bank for a long time." She had big plans, big dreams, she was gonna be a star ... but she fell in love with Tiger while watching Angels & Demons. That'll help a career, won't it? Dum-dum.

Jaimee (and the other little yapping Tiger girls) annoyed the crap out one of Tiger's mistresses — a person who actually considered herself a "full-time" of Tiger's thanks to years of faithful service to his virulent sexual appetite. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James, a double-D brunette whose specialties include being double-penetrated on camera in many NSFW films.

(Hi!)

But Jorge, proud Facebook friend of Miss Siwik-Daniels, said that this status update she posted on Dec. 2 was meant for all the ladies running their mouth about her man, Eldrick.

"I find it comical when certain individuals have no life of their own and want to be ME...so terribly bad. LMAO!"

The emphasis on "ME," says Jorge, was Veronica's way of respecting her unique relationship with Tiger and not becoming part of the screeching hordes. She did not return a message left on her phone requesting comment. Good for her.

Jorge was less discreet, however, telling me that Joslyn used love to talk about "all the freaky shit Tiger dug in bed," and that every time he'd come to town he'd pay for a visit. You know, with cash.

But here's what we've learned throughout this Tiger mess, which, in many ways, may change how some of these athletes are covered. Athletes have utilized the VIP service to engage in their affairs (and meet possible mistresses) for the sake of (supposed) privacy, philandering without the hassle of having to do any work themselves to land these women. It's a dirty business all around. But what to do now, since Tiger has gone and messed it up for a bunch of people who were pretty safe from prying eyes and camera lenses whenever they stepped out on their wives and girlfriends during Vegas weekends? CHAOS REIGNS ...

Welcome to the new world, mainstream media, where the blanks are about to be filled-in. The truth will set you free.

Now, bring me the client list of Pam Trahan and let's really start some shit.

The short version is that paramedics were called to the Woods home early this morning, "someone" was taken to the hospital (and later released), and a suspiciously similar black Escalade driven by a young woman with light hair followed behind. That's all the authorities are saying at the moment, but everyone is just going to assume that the hospitalized woman is Elin Nordegren's mother, (UPDATE: It was Barbro Holmberg and she's still in the hospital in stable condition.) who was the talk of the town yesterday when she allegedly dropped her own life and flew from Sweden to Florida to comfort her daughter in her time of need.

Also, the woman driving the Cadillac could have been Elin's twin—you forgot that the hot Swedish nanny also has a twin sister, didn't you?—who is also allegedly on comfort patrol. Finally, the Cadillac in question is not the one that was smashed, but the license plate is just one number off, which suggests that it came from the same leasing company that supplied the Woods' family with their previous vehicle. We are no longer witnesses. We Are All Detectives.

That's all we know so far, but this will keep going for awhile. Oh, and a state trooper thinks Tiger was hopped up on goofballs on Thanksgiving night, but we'll never get the answer to that. I don't believe any more women have come forward to admit to sleeping with Tiger Woods, but that may change when the rest of the West Coast wakes up.

Ambulance called to Tiger Woods' home [My Fox Orlando]
911 Call to Tiger Woods' House [TMZ]
Update: Woman Rushed to Hospital from Tiger Woods' House Released, Likely Mother-in-Law [MSF]

Let's adjust the Tiger Paramour-O-Meter accordingly:

Elsewhere:

• RadarOnline is reporting that Elin has moved out, but Tiger's reps are keeping it quiet because "they don't want any publicity about what is going on in the marriage."

• Tiger's mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, late of Sweden's Ministry for Foreign Affairs, has arrived.

• Esquire's Chris Jones looks at Tiger and sees his own philandering brother:

But it was all a façade, for both of them - not because they both pretended to stop being hounds, but because neither man was able to shed his tender geek heart. I don't think my brother or Woods ever managed to get over the idea women wanted to sleep with them. Despite their successes, despite the outward perfection of their lives, both of them still harbor a deep-seated, childhood insecurity that's only been made worse by middle-age vulnerability, by knee surgeries and receding hairlines. My brother and Woods both had affairs because they were looking for a validation that only sex with strangers gave them. That Woods's preference in road beef is, at best, medium-rare, just goes to show: In his mind, every time he made a new conquest, it was like the president of the chess club rocking the big-tittied cheerleader under the bleachers. Every hookup was another chance for him to prove to himself that he wasn't what he remembered he once was

* * * *

That's all for now. Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

• Also, Oprah is reportedly the front-runner to land that exclusive, robotic interview with Tiger and Elin on her couch so he can tell a roomful of women shaking their head in shame that he's a flawed human being but is working on becoming a better person. Why not Tyra?

• Jim Furyk won this stupid-looking trophy over the weekend at the Chevron Challenge, where all proceeds go to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. Tiger could not attend his tournament this year because he was nursing injuries suffered during a car crash while his wife chased him with a golf club.

• Even though he's been busy this past week paying-off women he's boned, Tiger carved out some time to type a thank you letter to his sponsors and all those who attended the Chevron Challenge this week. It's all about the kids, you know.

And then there's this:

There is still much we don't know about L'Affaire Tiger Woods, and new information continues to come out. But the real question is: who will people compare Roger Federer to now?!
Those Tiger comparisons take on a different echo these days, don't they? (Digression: probably the more left unsaid about Tiger the better, but can we agree that "Kobe special" is a tremendous contribution to the cultural lexicon?)

Most people view Roger Federer as the embodiment of Swiss precision and neutrality, but you've noted otherwise. What's his real deal? (Which reminds me: is Pete Sampras as bland as we think?)
The great blessing/curse of tennis: the quotient for "colorful" (often a euphemism for batshit crazy) athletes is staggeringly high. So when a player comes along who doesn't project neurosis, go through rehab, have the Williams family backstory or Mike Agassi for a dad, reflexively we label them "boring." Federer is hardly boring; engaging guy, good sense of humor, speaks five languages. Watch this recent YouTube clip and it undercuts the "boring" label.

Even if Tiger Woods had the capacity for this, I suspect his agents would have confiscated the footage. I always say that if Federer were from Grand Rapids or Tulsa and weren't Swiss, he'd be a national hero on a par with Jordan and Lance Armstrong.

[Ed.: Note the suspicious silence on Sampras!]

Your book revolves around a single match: the 2008 Wimbledon final in which Rafael Nadal beat Federer in five long sets, 6-4, 6-4, 6-7(5), 6-7(8), 9-7. At the time, you wrote on SI.com: "I'm going unequivocal on this one: the 2008 Wimbledon men's final was THE greatest match of all-time. Period." Does that still stand?
I think so. It was one versus two. In the Wimbledon final. With all sorts of implications. Then the match had all the "Classic sporting event elements": skill, courage, self-sufficiency, sportsmanship, grace, gallantry, poise, intelligence, humility, injury, recovery, swaying momentum, etc. Selfishly, I had a scare this year when Federer beat Roddick in the Wimbledon final in another classic. I think the moral of the story: think hard before including a superlative in a book title.

Can Andy Roddick rise again? Your co-panelist from your recent book reading, Deadspin's own Will Leitch, thinks not. What's your outlook?
Damn, Will. That's another fellow-Midwesterner you're trashing. I think Will basically got it right: Roddick had the misfortune of being born within a few years of Federer and Nadal. And while he tries like hell, his game is a level down. But you sense the field is opening up a bit now. And here's the thing about tennis: you only to need to win seven matches to take a big prize. Start grooving your serve for two weeks and — presto — you're a Grand Slam champ. As a friendly wager — no tattoos — I'd bet Will that Roddick walks off with another Major before he's through.

[Ed.: I presume this means other stakes remain fair game. Your move, Mr. Emeritus.]

This is Katie Baker, btw.

jonstennistweet [Twitter]

The Daily Beast has deputized Gerald Posner as Lt. Sleazy during this national crisis and he's gone out and spoken with a handful of people connected to the professional golf world who reveal that the PGA Tour is very similar to Motley Crue's bio "The Dirt": "My sources said that clubhouses sometimes resembled frat houses, with golfers exchanging graphic stories of the previous night's escapades. Players talk about "the 19th hole," or dub a girl willing to have anal sex a "double bogey." A "water hole" is anyone who performs only oral sex."

• For those who want their Tiger commentary more high-brow, fake-composing genius Ben Greenman has created a musical ode to Tiger for The New Yorker:

• And this is why Bonnie Fuller made the big bucks as a magazine editor: "What happens in cases like this is once there is one allegation then there are always 10 more," said Bonnie Fuller, editor in chief of HollywoodLife.com and former head of magazines Us Weekly and Star...You have the real women who actually have had a relationship with a celebrity come forward, and then you have people creating these stories because they are seeking their own fame and fortune and attention." [CNN]

• And here's JaimeE Grubbs about to be penetrated with a ping-pong paddle. She's kinky. [CBS CrimeInsider]

This spot featuring Roger Federer, Thierry Henry and Tiger Woods premiered in early 2008. Federer went from averaging double digit titles a year before the campaign, to totaling eight wins in the two years since. Henry has become a global goat for his handball. And Woods...you know.

David Beckham's contract with Gillette ran through 2007, the year he became the world's only superstar athlete who managed to fade into obscurity by playing in Los Angeles. Was this year's MLS Cup disappointment a direct result of his association with Gillette? It's tough to be certain, but yes. Yes it was.

This ad featuring Sergio Garcia premiered in the summer of 2008, right after El Nino won The Players Championship. He's 0 for 27 on the PGA Tour since.

Oh, and that other guy in the spot, Ricky Rubio? He had the misfortune of being taken by the Timberwolves, and scurried back to Spain.

The curse doesn't stop at "real" sports. John Cena signed a deal to become a Gillette pitchman in February of 2008, just after winning the Royal Rumble as a surprise entrant. But as well all know, he managed to lose three straight title matches in the next three months.

So how about Derek Jeter? The man's superhuman. Gillette ads, SI's Sportsman of The Year, and no divine retribution. If he manages to get himself on the cover of Madden 11, the universe may collapse in on itself.

• Golf Channel. com eulogizes with a sack of rocks: "There is grieving for the end of an era, the end of Tiger as heroic and untouchable. He's simply human now, like us. Most of us have a sack of rocks we carry around...There's anger in the grieving period, too, from people feeling deceived and disappointed." Aw, Dusty in here! [GolfChannel]

• The regal-sounding John Paul Newport feels like the media world is a dirty place to live and he doesn't like writing about this, not one bit, no, because he's a man ill-equipped to wallow in this filth with all of us or something but he has to so he writes things like this: "If Tiger Woods, by far the game's most influential figure, has been living a duplicitous life – on his own Web site he says "I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings" - golf and golf fans are better off knowing about it and in the long-run, the game will be healthier. The golf media alone, cowed by Woods's awesomeness as an athlete and his colossal role in selling the game, would probably never have unearthed what the gossip media has. The golf media never would have dared." [WSJ]

• Surprised that this is the first time this headline has been used: "Is Tiger Out Of The Woods?" Yes, but he's still in the rough. /rimshotfartnoisehornsounddeath

"It's important to remember that a signature is how a person wants to be perceived by the public. It happens very often that a person's regular writing is completely different from the signature and reveals a different personality. In this case, the signature is more than just a scribble. There's a simplicity there. He wants to be understood."

"The entire name is written in a perfectly horizontal direction, almost as if there were an invisible line under it. It's rigid. This is probably due to his keen visual judgment and co-ordination, and here it suggests a certain level of calculation."

"The middle-zone letters are all nicely connected in a rounded, garlanded manner. It takes more time to connect letters in a rounded fashion than an angular one, and this is not often found in a signature. That shows a methodical and friendly approach to his everyday life and his work. An angry person would have jabby, angular connectors, more like a child's scribble. Tiger has warmth — calculated warmth. Also, the 'i' dot is way to the right. He's writing, and thinking, quickly. "

"Look at the 'g' and the 'o's. They're not closed like they should be. When you see open ovals, you can usually assume that the person likes to talk, and not necessarily in a straightforward manner. With criminals, we often see an open oval on the bottom of the letter. That's bad news. But that's not what we see here."

"The high upper zone indicates a high level of intelligence. It's very striving. The zone also speaks to the writer's superego. His upper zone is very straight and not loopy at all. It's rigid. Maybe he doesn't allow himself to have fun. Very often, people who consider themselves restrained have to loosen their chains and go the other way."

"The unusual formation of the 'W' has the last stroke pointing toward the left, which represents the past. In graphology, this direction is always analyzed as being past-oriented as long as the writing goes from left to right. Tiger is very past-oriented. That probably has to do with his father, though we don't know."

"On the other hand, the ending stroke of the 's' shows an energetic motion toward the right side of the paper, an orientation to the future. We call that horizontal energy. He's ambitious. He has a desire for perfection and success, and you can see it in the way he reaches out from the 's.' In addition, when you end a signature and pull the last letter to the right, is it always this straight? It usually goes a little up or even a little down. In his case, he's razor-sharp. It really does fit his professional personality to a T."

"The dramatic loop in the 'g' suggests physical well-being. Sometimes, a lower-zone loop looks like a moneybag. People who have those shapes in the lower zone are very often materialistic and money-hungry. His is not the shape of a moneybag. It's a very healthy-looking closed loop. It's sensual, and it indicates that, yes, he has a healthy sex drive."

• Yikes. The Daily Beast lays out how much money it will cost Tiger to keep Elin as his obedient Swedish house pet: $5 million now, $55 million for two more years of servitude. Preferably, without the whole golf club-chasing thing. [The Daily Beast]

• Oh, and what happened to that NY Post story about the National Enquirer reportedly shaking Tiger down? It's vanished! [GeoffShackleford]

• Gregg Doyel opens up, pops a boner: " Tiger Woods' sex life matters to me. There. I said it. And you can believe it, because it's true. This isn't reverse psychology or sarcasm or anything else. This is an admission: I'm fascinated by Tiger Woods' sex life." [CBS Sports]

• A psychologist is asked by the Daily News why Tiger would do such a thing give how attractive Elin is? "Boredom," random pysch-dude suggests. How about this — because Tiger is an ego-centric athlete who needs to collect as much pussy as possible because he's a hard-wired competitor who will try to whoop your ass at ping pong or video games or punchbuggy or whatever potentially competitive environment you put him in. [NYDailyNews]

So chew on that for a while and trudge through the outrage if you want to and then decide for yourself if it's really worth getting angry over or that, possibly, sometimes made-up trend-pieces are just made-up trend pieces and not anthropological studies meant to advance any conversation. "Cock loitering" is the new "lamestain," really.

And now we'll go back to talking about the unfolding melodrama in the golf world, where Jesper Parnevik, matchmaker for Elin and Tiger, has gone to the mattresses against the cooze-hounding bastard.

"I would be especially sad about it since I'm kind of — I feel really sorry for Elin — since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him," Parnevik said. "We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron."

One person guaranteed to not react so harshly against, Tiger? Whitlock. Pussy Galore and Strange 'Tang shall rise again tomorrow.

PHOTO: Star

****

Thanks for your continued support of TigerSpin. Barry Petchesky will shine the light on you in a few.

The statement:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

And it's working, if TigerWoods.com's carefully monitored comments section is any indication of global sentiment. I think Sonylos1966 speaks, if not for all of us, then at least for his fellow Nike interns, when he writes: "Apoligy accepted!"

UPDATE: Amusing exchange in the TigerWoods.com mailbag, teased just below his "comment on current events":

Do you enjoy playing so far away from home? I can imagine that, now that you have children, it's got to be hard to be so far away from them.
- Rupert from Houston

You're exactly right, Rupert. Now, it's very difficult to leave Elin and the children, and I'm sure it's only going to get tougher. ...

Tiger comments on current events [TigerWoods.com]