Syndicated political columnist Charles Krauthammer decided to phone in his pre-Memorial Day column, and, in turn, wound up introducing us to the world's most insufferable get-together. He presents:

With Linsanity dying out, we needed something new. Call it Kurkjianomie.

It's more understated than Blue Jays catcher J.P. Arencibia's, we'll argue. Arencibia's is perhaps funnier—he brought Kurkjian's voice to a comically high pitch—but Ruiz's seems more precise. He's Darrell Hammond to Arencibia's Will Ferrell.

The voice is dead on. Either the Blue Jays catcher is a master of impersonation, or he's squeezing his testicles between his knees.

There's Terrorized Tim Kurkjian, precious Pedro Gomez, particular Peter Gammons, and Jon fucking Heyman.

Tim Kurkjian, Baseball Tonight's creaky-voiced elder statesman, started a Twitter a couple weeks ago. He might not be getting the hang of it.

For the longest time, we thought the way Tim Kurkjian would pronounce his last name while signing off on ESPN telecasts was some sort of sonic illusion. "Tim KIRK ... (endless pause) ... JUN!, ESPN." We couldn't imagine he answered the phone like that at home.