To Watch Tonight

What to watch as you tearfully raise your fist with pride and chant "USA! USA!" ...
• Major League Soccer: Houston at Real Salt Lake (10 p.m., ET). How to change the station without using my hands? [ESPN2]
• Motor sports: NASCAR Sprint Cup, Coke Zero 400, practice, at Daytona Beach, Fla (4 p.m. and 6:30 p.m., ET) [Speed]; NASCAR Nationwide Series, Winn-Dixie 250, practice, at Daytona Beach, Fla. (5:30 p.m., ET) [ESPN2]; Grand-Am Rolex Sports Car Series, Brumos Porsche 250, at Daytona Beach, Fla. (8 p.m., ET). Well, my evening is set. [Speed].
• Swimming: Olympic Trials (8 p.m., ET). I have an Olympic-sized duck pond. [USA]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch after trading sex for gasoline ...
• Boxing: Heavyweights, Brian Minto vs. John Poore, at Butler, Pa. (9 p.m., ET). I've never heard of these guys, so they must be good. [ESPN2]
• MLB: Boston at Tampa Bay (7 p.m., ET). This series is getting virtually no publicity. [ESPN]
• Swimming: U.S. Olympic trials, at Omaha (8 p.m., ET). Natalie Coughlin swims through my fantasies. [USA]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while bidding on a potato ...
• Swimming: U.S. Olympic trials, at Omaha (8 p.m., ET). Katie Hoff > Aquaman. [USA]
• MLB: Mets at Cardinals (8:15 p.m., ET). What fresh Hell for Mets' fans now? [SNY] [FSN]
• MLB: Red Sox at Rays (7:10 p.m., ET). Joe Maddon controls space and time. [NESN] [FSN]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch as a new era dawns ...
• Arena Football League: Playoffs, wild-card round: Orlando at Cleveland (7 p.m., ET); Grand Rapids at Arizona (9:30 p.m., ET). Let's go on a Rampage! [ESPN2]
• MLB: New York Mets at St. Louis (7 p.m., ET). Kyle Lohse goes for 10th win. Will goes for 11th jumbo pretzel. [ESPN]
• Swimming: U.S. Olympic trials, at Omaha (8 p.m., ET). Don't pretend you're not watching this. [USA]
• Track and field: U.S. Olympic trials, at Eugene Ore. (11:05 p.m., ET). I'll watch the track, but not the field. [USA]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while going elsewhere for your underboob...

• In Progress: New York Yankees at New York Mets. [FOX] Get away from me, Joe Buck!
• In Progress: Wimbledon, Day 6. [ESPN2]
• Movie: Super Troopers 7 p.m. [Comedy Central] Meow.
• U.S. Olympic Trials. 8 p.m. [NBC] Noyoganoyoganoyoganoyoga.
• Indy Car Racing: SunTrust Indy Challenge in Richmond, Va. 8 p.m. [ESPN] The true challenge is not killing yourself for being in Richmond.
• Movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971). 10 p.m. [ABC Family] You must be this high to watch this movie.

To Watch Tonight

What to watch as the Von Trapp children invade your dreams/say goodbye to Will ...
• Arena football: Wild card playoffs, New York at Dallas (7:30 p.m., ET). I have Desperados Fever. (Help me) [ESPN]
• Boxing: Super featherweights, Breidis Prescott vs. Juan Carlos Rodriguez, at Fort Lauderdale (10 p.m., ET). Hey, I was going to name my kid Breidis. [ESPN2] (same-day tape)
• Golf: Nationwide Tour, Ford Wayne Gretzky Charity Classic, second round, at Georgian Bay, Ontario (6:30 p.m., ET). Marty McSorley with a bag full of clubs? I am so there. [The Golf Channel] (same-day tape)

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while Chris Hansen asks you to sit down so that he can write you a check ...
• Boxing: Junior welterweights, Anthony Peterson vs. Fernando Trejo; super welterweights, Vanes Martirosyan vs. Angel Hernandez, in Las Vegas (9 p.m., ET). Hey, I was going to name my kid Vanes. [Versus]
• 2008 NBA Draft: at Madison Square Garden in New York City (7:30 p.m., ET). With the first pick in the NBA Draft ... Ahh! Bees! [ESPN]
• Soccer: MLS, Dallas at Houston (9 p.m., ET). So, Rangers at Astros, or this? Your call, Houstonites. [ESPN2]
• WNBA: Fever vs. Liberty (7 p.m., ET). They're dunking now, you know. [ESPN2]

To Watch Tonight

Irony, thy name is Pittsburgh ...
• Boxing: Lightweights, Julio Diaz vs. David Torres, in Beverly Hills, Calif. (11 p.m., ET). No better place for this than the mean streets of The BH. [ESPN2]
• College World Series: Championship series, Game 3, Georgia vs. Fresno State, in Omaha (7 p.m., ET). There will be some serious, hard-core partying in Omaha tonight (not really). [ESPN]
• MLB: Diamondbacks at Red Sox (7 p.m., ET). Randy Johnson vs. Tim Wakefield ... combined age, 85. Hans Moleman to throw out first pitch. [ESPN2]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while your horse enjoys Uncle Jimmy's Hanging Balls ...
• College World Series: Championship series, Game 2, Georgia vs. Fresno State in Omaha (7 p.m., ET). That guy in your office who keeps saying "I predict the Bulldogs will win!" ... you have my permission to poke him in both eyes with a pencil. [ESPN]
• MLB: Orioles at Cubs (8 p.m., ET). Why don't the Cubs have a mascot? [WGN]
• WNBA: Comets at Silver Stars (9 p.m., ET). I'm through pretending that I know where these teams are located. [ESPN2]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while eating your enormous MoonPie ...
• College World Series: in Omaha, championship series, Game 1, Georgia vs. Fresno State (7 p.m., ET). Lassie to throw out first pitch. [ESPN2]
• MLB: Diamondbacks at Red Sox (7 p.m., ET). A matchup not normally found in nature. [ESPN]
• MLB: Angels at Nationals (7:10 p.m., ET). Vladimir Guerrero faces his former team. [FSN-West] [MASN]

To Watch Tonight

To Watch Tonight

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while tallying the score ... woodchuck 1, hunter 0 ...
• Boxing: Heavyweights, Alonzo Butler vs. Friday Ahunanya, in Las Vegas (9 p.m., ET) [ESPN2]; Andre Ward vs. Jerson Ravelo, for vacant NABO super middleweight title; junior middleweights, Ronald Hearns vs. Jose Luis Gonzalez, in George Town, Cayman Islands, (11 p.m., same-day tape on West Coast). I was going to name my kid Friday. [Showtime]
• College World Series: in Omaha, No. 2 North Carolina vs. No. 7 LSU, (7 p.m., ET). Lightning didn't scare Roy Hobbs. What's the holdup? [ESPN]
• Golf: PGA of America, Professional National Championship, second round, in Greensboro, Ga., (6:30 p.m., ET, same-day tape) Paul Dietsche, this is YOUR time. [Golf Channel]

To Watch Tonight

What you're not going to watch because you're not grounded after all ...
• College World Series: LSU vs. North Carolina, in Omaha (7 p.m., ET). Two teams enter, one team leaves. Who run Bartertown? [ESPN]
• Major League Lacrosse: Washington at Boston (7:30 p.m., ET). Well, another Boston pro sports championship is on its way. [ESPN2]
• Soccer: MLS, Chicago vs. Chivas USA (10 p.m., ET). I'm a big Stephen King fan. Both the author and the midfielder. [ESPN2]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while hiding your baby from John McCain ...
• Boxing: Light middleweights, Roger Gonzalez vs. Cornelius Lock, in New York City (10 p.m., ET). That's Cornelius "Master" Lock. And that's your nickname of the month. [ESPN2]
• College World Series: Stanford vs. Miami (Fla.), in Omaha (7 p.m., ET). A refreshing showdown between teams without animal nicknames. [ESPN2]
• MLB: Chicago Cubs vs. Tampa Bay Rays (7 p.m., ET). Andy Sonnanstine, the seven-game winner you've never heard of. [ESPN] [WGN]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch after buying high heel shoes for your baby ...
• College World Series: in Omaha, North Carolina vs. Fresno State (7 p.m., ET). Party on, Omaha. [ESPN2].
• NBA Finals: Game 6, Lakers vs. Celtics (9 p.m., ET). Game is so late due to media's notorious west coast bias [ABC].
• MLB: Cubs at Rays (7:10 p.m., ET). Your World Series preview. [Comcast] [WXPX]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch after displaying your enormous pink balls ...
• Arena Football League: Colorado at Arizona (10 p.m., ET). Like playing football in your garage without the danger of sharp tools. [ESPN2]
• College baseball: College World Series, at Omaha, Stanford vs. Georgia (7 p.m., ET). Tell that bulldog to stop barking: The Stanford Tree has a hangover. [ESPN2]
• MLB: Boston at Philadelphia (7 p.m., ET). We need to get these teams in the same league somehow. [ESPN]

To Watch Tonight